LIFE     OF 


JEFFERSON   S.    BATKINS, 


H.  O 


LIFE     OF 


JEFFERSON   S.    BATKINS, 


MEMBER  FROM  CRANBERRY  CENTRE. 


WRITTEN   BY    HIMSELF, 


ASSISTED     BY    THE    AUTHOR     OF    THE     "  SILVER     SPOON." 


"  Be  not  afraid  of  greatness.    Some  are  born  great,  some  achieve  greatness,  and 
some  have  greatness  thrust  .upon  them." 


RIISTG-,     Publisher, 

Coil.    BliOMFIELD    AND    WASHINGTON    STREETS, 

BOSTON. 


Entered  according  to  'Avt  'of  Congress, -in  the  year  1871,  by 

A  .    K .    L  0  R  I  N  G, 
in  tlio  Office  of  tho  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


Rockwell  &  Churchill,  Printers  ami  Stereotype™, 
lU"J  Washington  Street,  Boston. 


PREFACE. 


IT  appears  to  be  the  custom  to  occupy  more  or  less  space,  at  the  end  of 
a  book,  for  the  correction  of  sucli  errors  as  may  have  escaped  the  vigilant 
eye  of  the  printer.  In  reading  over  the  pages  that  succeed  this  preface,  I 
find  the  principal  errors  are  of  my  own  making,  and  are  those  of  style, 
involving  the  rhetoric,  as  Mr.  Birch  instructed  me  to  call  it,  and  not  the 
facts  in  the  narrative. 

I  have  this  proposition  to  ^)ffer  to  the  critical  reader,  that  he  may 
always  change  the  language  to  suit  himself  when  he  reads  it  to  his  friends, 
or  makes  extracts  for  any  other  purpose,  if  he  does  not  pervert  my  mean 
ing  when  he  cannot  ^make  out  what  it  is  ;  and  also,  when  I  use  foreign 
words,  and  misapply  them,  the  reader  will  understand  that  I  picked  up 
the  phrases,  had  them  explained  to  me,  and  dovetailed  them  in  as  well  as  I 
knew  how.  I  do  not  pretend  that  they  are  good  specimens,  or  grammati 
cally  expressed.  I  am  a~ware  of  the  saying,  "A  little  learning,"  etc. 

As  it  not  unfrequently  happens  in  relating  an  extended  story,  the  same 
idea  will  be  repeated  with  a  slight  variation  of  words.  I  apologize  for 
these  repetitions  and  tautological  suggestions. 

It  is  not  an  easy  task  to  write  a  man's  life,  and  to  adhere  strictly  to  the 
truth,  particularly  when  the  man's  life  he  is  writing  is  his  own. 

This  is  my  first  attempt;  if  I  overwrite  my  life  again,  or  what  may' 
occur  after  this  date,  I  will  endeavor  to  improve,  and  say  more  in  less 
words.  As  I  have  learned,  it  is  much  easier  to  write  a  long  speech  full 
of  rhetorical  figures,  than  a  short  speech  including  only  an  intelligent 
narration  of  facts,  and  what  Mr.  Birch,  called  logical  inferences  and  con 
clusions.  What  is  true  of  speeches  is  more  true  of  books. 

I  have  attempted,  while  rescuing  from  oblivion  historical  events  of 
Cranberry  Centre,  similar  to  those  of  many  other  towns,  to  present  evi 
dence  of  the  truths  of  my  old  friend  Dr.  Slawter's  theory  of  the  inheri 
tance  of  character  from  ancestry  as  well  as  disease.  The  doctor's  theory 
is  of  ancient  origin  ;  the  remedy  is  as  old  ;  but  as,  in  the  present  day,  the 
breeding  of  fast  horses,  the  improvement  of  the  dog  race,  swine,  and  other 
domestic  animals,  are  considered  more  important  than  elevating,  in  a 
proper  way,  the  human  race,  I  do  not  know  that  the  truth  expressed  in  the 
matter  will  be  acted  m)^^  ^  **,£) 

9*333  Yo  3 


4  PREFACE. 

I  hope  no  person  will  rend  the  last  chapter  until,  in  the  natural  course 
of  events,  lie  arrives  at  that  conclusion,  as  it  might  interfere  in  the  judg 
ment  I  wish  him  or  her  to  make  as  to  the  truth  of  Dr.-SluwU-r's  theory, 
which  I  am  happy  to  endorse,  anil  desire,  in  a  proper  way,  to  be  a  propa 
gator  of. 

J.  S.   B. 

P.  S.  I  do  not  think  I  have  so  described  myself  that  I  should  be  rec 
ognized  by  the  reader  who  was  not  acquainted  with  me.  I  have  taken 
advantage  of  the  photographic  art,  not  discovered  in  my  early  days,  and 
placed  my  resemblance  as  a  frontispiece;  my  friends  say  it  is  a  goud 
likeness. —J.  S.  B. 


DEDICATORY    ADDRESS. 

I  AM  somewhat  embarrassed  as  to  the  direction  I  shall  give  to  my  dedi 
catory  address;  my  first  impression  was  to  omit  it  altogether;  but  that 
has  been  "  overruled"  by  more  consideration  and  thinking  The  "  ques 
tion"  is,  do  I  wish  to  do  honor  to  some  person,  or  persons,  other  than  my 
self,  or  to  myself  through  others?  It  is  now  "in  the. orders  of  the  day," 
and  a  decision  must  be  made,  and  upon  my  vote,  which  cannot  be  decided 
in  a  political  sense,  although,  as  usual  witli  me,  my  opinion  is  equally 
balanced,  and  requires  something  from  without  to  turn  the  scale.  I  first 
thought,  certainly  for  no  political  reasons,  that  I  should  dedicate  it  to  my 
father,  as  one  of  the  principal  responsible  parties  for  my  existence,  or  to 
my  mother,  equally  so,  or  to  Mr.  Ecathergilt,  my  father-in-law,  or  to  my 
wife,  Mrs.  Batkins.  Then  it  appeared  to  me  to  bo  objectionable,  as  my 
readers  and  other  friends  might  say  I  was  using  my  patronage  too  much 
in  favor  of  my  relations  and  connections  by  birth  or  marriage ;  that  the 
credit  of  writing  the  life  would  be  sufficient  for  the  family  name,  and  for 
posterity  in  the  family  line. 

Then  I  thought  of  my  old  friends,  Doctor  Slawter,  Aunt  Dolly,  the 
minister,  Seth  Spring,  and  several  others ;  for  various  reasons,  collec 
tively,  it  did  not  seem  expedient,  and  if  either  one  should  be  selected  the 
act  would  offend  the  others.  So  I  voted  that  proposition  down  in  the 
caucus  of  my  thoughts.  I  put  the  "question"  in  this  way:  "Mr. 
Speaker,  what  is  the  dedication  for  ?  Is  it  to  put  upon  the  record  my 
thanks  to  somebody,  and  in  addition,  perhaps,  to  assist  the  publisher  in 
the  sale  of  the  book?  Well,  it  is  clear  neither  of  the  parties  referred  to 
could  do  much  in  that  direction.  Moreover,  they  would  expect  of  me  a 
copy  gratuitous,  which  would  in  so  much  lessen  the  profit  to  the  publisher, 
and  perhaps  myself." 

This  "  motion  "  was  withdrawn,  no  objection  having  been  made. 

It  is  not  often,  in  following  the  dictates  of  duty,  that  our  gratification, 
personal  wishes,  and  pecuniary  advantages  are  in  the  same  procession ; 
but  on  this  occasion  there  is  a  unanimity  rarely  accomplished. 

I  therefore  dedicate  this  verbal  monument,  erected  by  me,  to  be  pre- 
' served  until  a  new  series  of  dark  ages  come  again  to  the  world,  as, 

5 


6  J)Kl)ir..lTOfiY 

according  to  the  theory  of  what  has  been,  may  be  :  first,  to  my  constitu 
ents  who  elected  me  to  be  representative  from  Cranberry  Centre,  and  in  a 
spirit  of  conciliation  and  brotherly  love  to  those  who  voted  against  me ; 
and.  further  '-to  amend  my  resolution,"  to  their  wives  and  children,  and 
to  their  relatives,  married  or  unmarried,  and  to  their  heirs  forever;  with 
the  request  that  this  be  entered  upon  their  almanacs  and  other  records. 

Next,  to  all  the  members  of  the  House  of  Representatives  of  the  session 
of  1852,  and  to  the  survivors  of  all  past  legislatures,  and  to  those  in  the 
future  and  their  heirs  ;  also 

To  the  governors  retrospective  if  living,  and  prospective,  to  the  coun 
cil,  the  senators,  the  sergcant-at-arms,  and  all  the  persons  employed 
about  the  State  House,  except  the  unknown  individual  to  whom  I  paid 
the  half-dollar  for  admission  to  the  cupola  at  the  session  of  1852,  and  all 
their  relatives,  friends,  and  neighbors; 

To  Mr.  Kimball,  for  his  politeness  as  a  representative  of  the  Boston 
members,  and  for  his  presentation  of  a  complimentary  ticket  for  myself  to 
tin-  Museum  during  that  eventful  year,  and  for  every  season  since  that  time  ; 

And,  lastly,  to  Mr.  William  "Warren,  through  whose  efforts  I  was  first 
brought  into  public  notice,  and  all  his  friends,  and,  if  I  am  rightly  in 
formed,  I  cannot  include  his  wife  or  family,  and  their  heirs,  as  he  has  not 
as  yet  entered  the  connubial  state ;  but  if  he  should,  —  and  I  am  strongly 
impressed  to  advise  him  to  do  so,  —  a  dedicatory  epistle  is  not  the  place 
to  give  reasons,  —  I  hereby  add,  to  his  heirs  also, — if  any  there  be. 
I  advise  all  these  persons  and  their  friends,  to  place  upon  the  shelves  of 
their  library,  or  on  the  table  of  their  best  room,  a  copy  of  my  life.  Take 
my  word,  I  shall  never  regret  that  I  have  been  so  situated  myself. 

I  am  fearful,  if  I  should  undertake  to  select  a  representative  lady  from 
among  those  engaged  in  the  new  political  agitation  for  woman's  withheld 
rights,  to  whom  I  might  apply  my  dedicatory  homage  and  respect,  I 
might  be  accused  of  partiality,  and  give  offence  to  a  goodly  number.  I 
therefore  desire  them  all  to  consider  themselves  included  in  this  category. 
To  the  female  sex  I  was  once,  you  understand,  not  over-partial.  I  have 
discovered,  and  acknowledge  my  error,  and  remain  their  obliged  and 
gratified  humble  servant, 

J.    S.    B ATKINS. 

CKANBEKKY  CENTRE,  1871. 


LIFE  OF 

JEFFERSON  S.  BATKINS. 

CHAPTER   I. 

MY     ORIGIN. 

No  ONE  will  deny  that  I  have  been  a  distinguished  individ 
ual.  I  am  about  to  give  to  the  public,  so  well  acquainted  with 
me  in  an  official  capacity,  an  account  of  my  history,  previous 
to  iny  elevation  in  the  estimation  of  my  contemporaries  in  po 
litical  life,  which,  when  completed,  I  trust  will  be  no  mean 
addition  to  the  list  of  biographies  of  American  statesmen  and 
members  of  the  General  Court  of  the  Commonwealth. 

I  have  been  perusing  some  works  of  a  similar  character,  in 
some  respects,  to  see  in  what  way  I  can  begin  with  my  parent 
age  and  birth,  and  not  frighten  my  readers  with  an  old  story 
on  the  start.  If  all  men  are  born  equal,  none  should  be  ashamed 
of  their  origin  in  consequence  of  the  obscurity  of  their  par 
ents,  or  the  humble  locality  of  their  first  inspiration. 

Nor  should  any  one  be  proud  because  his  parents,  one  or 
both,  were  "  clad  in  purple  and  fine  linen,  and  fared  sumptu 
ously  every  day." 

I  do  not  propose  to  dwell  upon  my  ancestry,  nor  the  doings 
of  my  immediate  predecessors. 

It  is  enough  to  say  that  the  Batkins  family  are  of  ancient 
origin. 

I  must  say  something  of  my  father  and  mother.     I  need 


OF 

hardly  add  tliat  my  mothor  was  not  originally  a  Batkins,  nor 
was  it  known  that  she  had  any  of  the  Batkins  blood  in  her 
veins;  not  an  impossibility,  however.  The  marriage  of  Abi 
gail  Withaspoon  to  Jethro  Batkins,  my  father,  changed  the 
manner  in  which  that  lady  had  been  previously  addressed,  and 
she  was,  during  her  life  afterwards,  known  as  Mrs.  Jethro  Bat- 
kins,  and  respected  accordingly. 

I  do  not  deem  it  necessary  to  make  any  record  of  the  date 
of  this  marriage. 

My  father  never  gave  any  account  of  his  birth  ;  there  wore 
some  people  who  knew  his  age  ;  I  never  asked  him  a  question 
on  the  subject.  My  mother,  as  I  understood,  agreed  with  him 
on  this  point,  that  is,  silence  as  to  the  day  upon  which  they 
first  appeared  upon  the  stage  of  life.  My  impression  is  that 
they  had  both  passed  the  heyday  of  youth  before  .they  joined 
their  fortunes  in  the  connubial  state.  As  I  join  with  them,  I 
shall  omit  to  give  the  exact  day  of  my  entrance  into  their  house 
hold.  My  mother  did  not  live  long  after  she  was  called  Mrs. 
Batkins,  and  whether  at  her  suggestion  or  not  I  am  not  in 
formed,  but  my  father  carried  out  their  mutual  views  on  this 
subject  in  the  arrangement  of  the  tablet  erected  to  her  memory. 

The  stone  was  considered  rather  a  handsome  testimonial  for 
those  times.  It  had  a  death's-head  and  cross-bones,  Time,  with 
a  scythe  and  hour-glass,  cut  out  on  the  top  part,  and  an  angel 
with  wings  at  each  corner,  to  represent,  I  suppose,  my  father 
and  my  mother  in  their  future  state. 

Verses  were  also  cut  into  the  stone,  after  the  following  in 
scription  :  — 

"  Abigail,  wife  of  Jethro  Batkins,  lies  buried  hero. 
"  A  loving  wife,  to  rao  most  dear, 
Was  she  that  lies  reposing  hero; 
She  dwelt  within  her  native  State, 
And  died  therein,  —  it  was  her  fate. 
Her  bereaved  husband  raised  this  stone, 
And  now  he  knows  that  bo's  alono." 


JEFFERSON  S.    E ATKINS.    '  9 

These  lines  were  said  to  have  been  composed  by  my  father, 
—  it  was  thought,  with  a  little  help  from  the  school-master. 
It  was  thought,  also,  that  her  age  was  accidentally  left  off  the 
tablet.  It  certainly  did  not  appear.  Subsequent  events,  how 
ever,  proved  that  this  was  incorrect ;  but,  whether  purposely 
or  not  is  not  known,  it  had  been  cut  so  low  down  on  the  stone, 
that  this  matter  of  fact  was  buried  in  the  earth  out  of  sight. 
.This  omission  had  been  the  frequent  subject  of  remark  by  both 
friends  and  enemies,  though  it  was  generally  agreed  upon, 
among  the  women  folks,  that  the  old  gentleman  Batkins  had 
been  liberal  in  this  final  erection  to  her  memory. 

I  am  not  disposed  to  continue  the  subject  of  my  parentage 
further  than  to  say  that  I.  Jefferson  S.  Batkins,  am  the  sole 
offspring  of  this  junction  of  the  blood  of  Batkins  and  Witha- 
spoon. 

I  think,  following  the  natural  order  of  events,  I  should  in 
troduce,  at  this  time,  a  person  to  whom,  next  to  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Batkins,  I  and  my  readers  and  the  public  are  under  obliga 
tion,  —  Dr.  Slawter,  the  physician  of  Cranberry  Centre.  It 
was  by  his  assistance,  you  understand,  that  I  was  permitted  to 
enjoy  all  I  have  of  this  world's  rewards  and  punishments.  He, 
as  I  have  been  informed,  released  me  from  my  first  difficulty. 
The  domestic  traditions  at  the  time  were,  that,  under  Provi 
dence,  and  the  skilful  use  of  instruments.  I  owed  to  Dr.  Slaw 
ter  my  thanks  for  becoming  a  living  soul,  however,  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Batkins  may  be  entitled  to  all  the  honors  of  my  being,  up 
to  that  first  crisis  of  my  fate,  the  natural  inhaling  process 
by  which  my  nostrils  performed  their  functions  for  the  first  time. 
I  do  not  think  it  important  to  perpetuate  the  memory  of  the  nurse 
of  the  occasion.  I  believe  Aunt  Dolly,  as  we  called  her,  a 
life-long  friend,  though  not  a  professional  nurse,  did  duty  at 
times,  and  is  entitled  to  notice,  as  assisting  my  mother  in  car 
rying  me  through  the  perils  incident  to  infantile  life.  It  may 
appear  strange  that  I  have  not  given  more  emphasis  to  the 


10  TJFE    OF 

obligations  I  nm  under  to  my  mother.  I  have  nothing  to  say 
against  her ;  but,  from  my  observations,  I  am  rather  inclined 
to  believe,  that,  whatever  her  merits  on  general  principles,  she 
was  not  exactly  the  right  kind  of  person  to  be  the  companion 
of  Mr.  Batkins,  my  respected  and  respectable  male  parent. 
When  she  was  removed  to  a  better  life,  I  do  not  think  my  father 
regretted  this  dispensation  of  Providence,  but  invested  the 
money  involved  in  the  erection  of  the  tablet  to  her  memory, 
with  a  satisfaction,  expressed,  as  I  have  been  informed,  in  be 
coming  language,  and  did  not  dispute  the  items  in  the  bills  of 
the  undertaker  and  stone-cutter,  which  were  paid  with  more 
than  his  usual  alacrity. 

I  have  given  the  names  of  the  four  persons  upon  whose  au 
thority  I  might  rely  to  prove  my  birth  and  parentage, —  my 
earliest  associates.  I  shall  now  proceed  to  indicate  the  locality 
of  the  great  event  referred  to ;  and  trust  this  authenticated  re 
port  will  prevent  any  other  town  from  quarrelling  for  the  honor 
of  my  birth,  which  belongs  solely  to 

CRANBERRY   CENTRE. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  11 


CHAPTER   II. 

WHY    I   WRITE    MY   BIOGRAPHY. 

NEED  I  explain  what  I  mean  by  a  biography  ?  I  think  not. 
There  has  been  any  quantity  of  doubt  expressed  by  speakers  in 
public,  and  writers  in  newspapers  and  books,  as  to  what  the  ex 
pression  "a  self-made  man"  means.  In  a  physical  sense,  the 
previous  chapter  does  away  with  any  claim  I  might  advance  in 
that  direction ;  but  in  respect  of  the  mental  and  moral  aspects 
of  the  human  organization  I  do  claim  that  I  was  not  born  with 
the  attributes  of  greatness,  nor,  to  use  the  rhetorical  figure, 
"with  a  silver  spoon  in  my  mouth,"  and  that  in  these  respects 
I  am  a  "  self-made  man."  I  propose  that  the  events  of  half  a 
century,  with  which  my  name  has  been  associated,  shall  not  be 
lost,  buried  in  that  sea  of  oblivion  which  is  constantly  rolling 
its  waves  over  the  doings  of  men,  who,  in  their  day  and  genera 
tion,  were  parts  and  parcel  of  the  progress  of  civilization,  and 
in  some  cases,  perhaps  in  mine,  its  moving  powers. 

I  appeared  about  the  time  of  that  stormy  period  of  my  coun 
try's  progress,  the  war  with  England.  Soon  after  the  war  I  had 
matured  sufficiently  to  run  about  my  native  town,  my  athletic 
form  covered  with  jacket  and  trowsers  of  home-spun  material.  I 
went  to  school,  to  an  aged  but  patriotic  spinster,  imbibing,  with 
her  teachings  of  diphthongs  and  other,  to  me  then,  literary  mys 
teries,  that  love  of  freedom  which  the  name  given  to  me  by  my 
father  had  so  well  prepared  me  to  receive.  My  distinguished 
predecessor  in  name  had  carved  for  himself  that  niche  in  Fame's 
temple  which  is  now  occupied  by  his  mental  effigy.  Jefferson ! 
Ah,  when  I  afterward  saw  this  name  prefixed  to  Batkins  in  my 


12  LIFE    OF 

copy-book,  little  did  I  think  how  illustrious  it  was  to  become  ! 
Ah,  then  when  I  heard  this  great  ex-president  of  our  then 
young,  but  to  be  everlasting,  republic  called  a  Jacobin,  and  when 
my  respected  mistress  of  the  children's  school  used  to  tell  us, 
if  we  were  not  good  boys  Bonaparte  would  come  over  here  and 
carry  us  all  to  France,  —  little  did  I  think,  that  I  should  be  an 
American  statesman,  or  that  Cranberry  Centre  would  rise  into 
a  great  political  powrer.  This  is  not  the  place  to  expand  ;  I 
only  propose  to  give  a  reason  why  I  at  this  time  appear  as  a 
biographer,  and  to  state  that,  while  I  shall  give  true  accounts 
of  my  social,  financial,  philosophical,  and  political  mistakes  and 
blunders,  I  shall,  for  obvious  reasons,  reserve  the  names  of  some 
of  my  friends  and  associates,  who  would  not  care  to  have  their 
delinquencies  or  shortcomings  known,  as  they  now  hold  high 
places  in  the  esteem  of  their  fellow-countrymen,  and  many  of 
them  offices  of  emolument  and  honor  in  the  federal,  State,  and 
municipal  governments,  or  are  employed  in  such  labors  of 
unremunerating  character,  as  teachers  of  Sunday  schools, 
deacons  of  meeting-houses,  overseers  of  the  poor,  or  general 
missionaries  of  moral  reforms. 

There  are  others  who  are  entitled  to  have  their  names  go 
down  to  posterity  with  mine,  and  perhaps  will  assist  my 
chances  of  immortality  as  a  representative  of  the  class  of 
self-made  men. 

I  can  say,  —  what  cannot  often  be  said  by  successful  poli 
ticians,  —  I  never  forget  my  friends,  —  those  who  gave  me  my 
first  boost  in  the  political  arena,  when  I  was  about  to  step  upon 
the  first  round  of  the  Jacob's  ladder  leading  to  the  cloudy  land 
of  ambitious  mortals. 

To  speak  of  Mr.  William  Warren,  of  Mr.  Kimball's  Museum, 
and  also  of  Mr.  Kimball.  seems  to  me  to  be  among  my  first 
biographical  duties  ;  and  perhaps  I  ought  to  begin  the  list  with 
the  name  of  the  author  of  the  play-acting  job  of  the  "Silver 
Spoon."  Neither  of  these  persons  have  done  any  thing  deleterious 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  13 

to  my  reputation  or  welfare  ;  on  the  contrary,  they  have  most 
generously  assisted  in  making  my  character  known  to  thousands 
of  my  fellow-countrymen,  their  wives  and  children ;  and  no 
expense  to  me.  To  be  sure,  that  part  of  my  history  as  repre 
sented  at  the  Museum  was  inaccurate  and  incomplete;  this 
biography  will  supply  the  deficiencies,  and  preserve  only  that 
portion  for  the  authenticity  of  which  I  am  responsible. 

It  is  not  often  that  a  public  man,  an  acknowledged  celebrity, 
writes  his  own  life.  Sometimes  weighty  reasons  control  his 
actions  in  tbis  matter.  Usually  some  friend,  after  the  departure 
of  the  public  functionary,  collects  the  sayings  and  doings  of 
the  lamented  subject,  and,  with  the  assistance  of  documentary 
evidence,  arranges  a  biography  to  suit  relatives  and  other  sur 
vivors. 

As  a  rule,  I  think  monuments,  obituaries,  memoirs,  eulogies, 
and  biographies  should  not  appear  during  the  lifetime  of  any 
distinguished  personage. 

Still  more,  as  a  rule,  do  I  think  it  to  be  unfair  and  im 
proper,  no  matter  how  good  the  motive,  to  put  a  man's  actions 
on  the  stage  of  a  theatre  or  a  museum  while  he  is  still  alive, 
whether  he  is  the  heroic  leader  of  a  military  battle,  or  a 
martyr  to  his  country's  cause  in  the  bloodless  field  of  legis 
lative  warfare. 

I  have  been  so  placed  in  just  this  situation,  and  in  my  case 
no  injury  has  been  done;  and  if  there  has  been  any  misappre 
hension  of  my  character  through  the  personification  of  Mr. 
Warren,  this  biography  will  set  matters  right. 

How  different  has  been  the  case  of  my  friend,  Mr.  Solon 
Shingle,  who  was  not  a  politician,  but  a  very  respectable  tax- 
paying  farmer,  in  a  somewhat  famous  old  town  of  the  Com 
monwealth  !  Our  intercourse  in  life  will  not  warrant  my  doing 
more  than  to  refer  to  his  being  placed  upon  the  stage  in  his 
lifetime ;  and  I  am  sure  if  he  had  ever  witnessed  himself 
there,  he  would  not  have  known  himself,  and  would  have  repu- 


14  LIFE    OF 

diated  such  behavior  as  is  represented  to  be  his,  in  a  court  of 
justice,  as  an  outrage  to  any  of  the  family  name. 

Mr.  Shingle  is  dead.  Pie  cannot  now  change  the  current 
opinion  as  to  his  real  character,  and  nobody  will  probably 
undertake  the  task,  unless  it  be  myself  or  the  author  of  the 
Silver  Spoon,  who  knew  him  well,  and  who  is  to  assist  me  in 
making  my  life,  although  I  am  not  to  print  his  name  on  the 
title-page.  This  is  a  condition  of  the  agreement  between  us. 
He  thinks  it  might  injure  his  practice  to  be  associated  with  me 
in  my  autobiography. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  15 


CHAPTER    III. 

CRANBERRY    CENTRE. 

THE  spirit  of  annexation  and  consolidation,  aided  by  the 
broom  of  progress,  has  swept  from  the  map  of  Massachusetts 
that  ancient  democracy  known  to  a  past  generation,  and  part 
of  the  present,  as  Cranberry  Centre ;  although  this  announce 
ment  is  after  the  pattern  of  the  style  of  to-day,  as  the  reader 
will  discover  it  is  my  intention  to  describe  the  manners  and 
customs  of  its  inhabitants  at  the  time  "when  all  that  I  saw, 
and  part  of  which  I  was,"  have  passed  to  things  that  were. 
Its  location  was  west-south-west  of  Boston,  then  only  a  town, 
communication  with  which  ever- thriving,  wealthy,  philan 
thropic,  and  moral  metropolis  was  difficult,  though  not  without 
reward  and  gratification  to  the  sojourner  within  its  limits. 
The  homestead  of  the  Batkins  family  for  several  generations 
was  not  a  conspicuous  pile  of  buildings,  constructed  after  the 
style  of  the  baronial  castles  of  the  mother  country,  as  New 
Englanders  were  wont  to  call  the  kingdom  of  Great  Britain.  I 
shall  first  describe  the  peculiarities,  and  afterwards  give  the 
reader  an  idea  of  the  other  structures,  which  were  comprised 
within  the  bounds  of  the  aforesaid  hamlet,  or  village  as  some 
termed  it,  but  I,  with  full  appreciation  of  the  dignity  of  its 
inhabitants,  denominate  a  town.  The  main  road  through  Cran 
berry  Centre  run  east  and  west,  over  a  level  plain,  at  the 
extreme  ends  of  which  it  was  bordered  by  a  diversity  of  sand 
hills  and  marsh  lands,  with  an  occasional  sheet  of  water  elabo 
rated  into  ponds  of  no  considerable  depth,  connected  with  each 
other  by  shallow  canals.  In  summer,  cattle  would  slake  their 


1C  LIFE    OF 

thirst  in  these  natural  reservoirs ;  they  also  gave  shelter  to 
frogs  and  some  small  fish,  affording  me  in  my  early  days  an 
arena  for  prosecuting  piscatory  pastimes,  rescuing  many  of 
their  pouts  and  shiners  from  their  watery  homes.  In  winter 
it  was  used  as  a  skating-ground,  —  being  before  the  days  of 
rinks  and  such-like,  improvements.  Cranberries  grew  upon  the 
marshes  and  flats  that  separated  the  watery  domain  ;  this  orig 
inally  gave  the  name  to  the  place.  "  Cranberry  Centre."  The 
high-lands,  or  sand-hills,  were  not  prolific  in  anything.  Bar 
berry  bushes  and  wild  roses,  in  a  natural  state,  gave  variety 
to  the  scene.  Savin  trees  here  and  there  dotted  the  land- 
.  scape.  It  is  immaterial  to  the  story  of  my  life  what  towns 
were  next  in  contiguity  to  Cranberry  Centre.  Of  course, 
Cranberry  Centre  was  not  an  oasis  in  the  midst  of  a  desert. 
The  face  of  the  surrounding  country  was  generally  like  the  soil 
upon  which  stood  the  homestead  of  the  Batkins  family.  On 
one  side  of  the  town  a  succession  of  rocky  elevations  diversified 
the  scene  as  towns-people  or  travellers  approached  from  the 
plain.  All  things  are  great  or  small  by  comparison.  So  these 
ro£ky  elevations  obtained  the  name  of  the  mountains,  one  of 
which  was  called  Mount  Independence,  and  to  this  day  retains 
the  appellation.  Upon  this  elevated  position  fourth  of  July 
celebrations  were  instituted  and  conducted,  with  all  the  "  pomp 
and  circumstance  of  glorious  war."  It  was  here  that  I  im 
bibed  my  first  draught  of  the  spirit  of  independence,  at  one 
of  these  patriotic  outbursts  of  annual  glorifications,  in  the 
oration  of  the  minister  of  the  town  :  — 

"  Thy  spirit,  Independence,  let  me  share, 
Lord  of  the  lion-heart  and  eagle  eye; 
Thy  steps  I  follow  with  my  bosom  bare, 

Nor  heed  the  storm  that  howls  along  the  sky." 

Between  these  hills  a  gorge  had  been  cut,  in  ancient  times, 
either  by  an  earthquake,  a  freshet,  or  some  speculating  quarry- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  17 

men.  Science  had  in  vain  attempted  the  solution  of  this  geo 
logical  problem.  A  cave  was  one  of  the  results  of  this  revolution, 
whatever  it  might  have  been  ;  this  was  called  the  "  Devil's  Gap," 
and  I  don't  believe  any  couple  in  the  neighborhood  during  their 
courting  days  failed  to  visit  this  wonderful  natural  curiosity. 
As  to  the  original  settlers  of  the  town,  anterior  to  the  period 
of  my  father's  locating  himself  therein,  I  shall  not  enlarge. 
The  grand  problem  of  how  to  improve  the  race  of  men  has 
been  in  constant  process  of  solution  since  the  pre-Adamite 
days.  My  limited  acquaintance  with  ancient  history  is  riot 
sufficient  to  throw  much  light  upon  the  shades  of  doubt  in  this 
respect.  Of  course,  Cranberry  Centre,  like  most  of  the  towns 
in  the  State, —  not  excluding  Boston  itself, —  previous  to  the 
arrival  of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers,  "so  called,"  was  in  possession 
of  the  aborigines,  "so  called"  by  the  learned,  and,  in  this 
case,  Indians,  by  everybody  else.  Of  course,  where  the 
Indians  come  from,  in  the  view  that  all  men  are  born  equal, 
is  beyond  the  province  of  this  work  to  inquire.  It  is  enough 
for  me  to  know  that  none  of  my  ancestors  were  Indians. 
After  the  fashion  of  the  noble  Caucasian  races  when  they  emi 
grate  to  other  lands,  carrying  with  them  liberty,  religion, 
and  the  fine  arts, —  and  some  other  artful  dodges, — as  the 
precursors  and  propaganding  agents  of  civilization,  they  cajoled 
the  aborigines  into  selling  their  lands,  and  when  all  the 
agencies  for  the  improvement  of  these  heathen  were  in  full 
action,  by  wars  and  laws  for  the  preservation  of  game,  and 
other  instrumentalities  framed  for  their  benefit,  there  was  not 
left  a  solitary  aboriginal  fellow-creature  in  Cranberry  Centre. 
The  Caucasian  race  had  triumphed  ;  civilization  was  estab 
lished.  We  shall  see  what  followed  this  redemption  of  the 
land.  I  have  been  reading  a  little,  in  order  to  be  posted  as  to 
this  elevating  the  human  race.  New  countries,  it  appears, 
are  usually  settled  by  what  we  should  call  hard  customers, — 
men  and  women  who  can't  stay  at  home  much  longer  and  keep 


18  /.//•••/•;  OF 

free  from  those  institutions  which  appear  to  be  the  test  of  civ 
ilization,  the  abundance  of  which  are  sucli  glorious  testimonials 
of  the  success  of  free  governments  in  our  own  republic.  In 
less  than  one  hundred  jears  we  have  eclipsed  all  other  countries 
in  our  provisions  for  these  classes.  I  refer  to  jails,  peniten 
tiaries,  almshouses,  hospitals,  and  that  other  invention,  the 
gallows,  which,  in  a  degree,  prevents  the  repetition  of  the  of 
fence  for  which  the  candidate  for  its  honors  has  obtained  them. 
Rome  was  peopled  at  first  by  thieves  and  murderers;  it  did 
not  reach  its  proud  and  imperial  position  by  any  mixture  of 
inferior  races ;  they  being  of  Caucasian  blood,  the  fact  of 
having  practised  robbery  and  other  criminal  professions  did 
not  deprive  them  of  the  power  to  inaugurate  a  posterity  equal 
to  the  emergency  of  supplying  material  for  lungs,  emperors, 
consuls,  senators,  tribunes,  generals,  and  other  important  func 
tionaries  required  to  carry  on  a  government,  whatever  its  name 
or  location.  To  be  sure,  there  was  some  mixing  of  blood  in 
this  process  ;  but  it  was  not  done  on  the  modern  principle  of 
increasing  the  nutritive  power  of  milk  by  an  addition  of  water. 
By  this  time  the  reader  may  wonder  what  this  has  to  do  with 
Cranberry  Centre.  I  answer  much,  in  the  philosophy  of  the 
thing.  It  may  be  forgotten,  perhaps,  that  I  have  been  a  legis 
lator,  and  that  I  have  been  engaged  in  making  laws  for  the 
benefit  of  that  part  of  the  human  race,  my  constituents.  And 
as  history  repeats  itself,  and  as  we  are  progressing  so  rapidly 
and  successfully  in  elevating  the  race  of  Americans,  not  yet, 
with  the  exception  of  those  who  have  Indian  blood  in  their 
veins,  quite  entitling  it  to  a  national  entity,  I  want  to  see  how 
the  Romans  come  out.  It  may  seem  singular  to  compare 
Rome,  in  its  days  of  triumph,  when  it  swallowed  up,  by  war 
or  by  annexation,  all  its  neighboring  country,  and  some  over  the 
seas,  with  Cranberry  Centre,  controlled  by  its  board  of  select 
men  under  the  guidance  of  the  ten  commandments,  and  the 
principles  of  liberty  and  justice  brought  over  in  the  May- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  19 

flower.  There  is.  what  is  called  by  scientific  men  the  hydro 
static  paradox.  I  would  have  had  a  drawing  in  this  book  of 
a  picture  to  prove  it ;  but  the  printer  says  it  costs  money,  and 
everybody  knows  what  it  is. 

That  shall  not  prevent  me  from  explaining  it.  It  may  be 
that  not  all  my  readers  study  books  of  natural  philosophy. 
I  am  sorry  to  say,  a  great  many  legislators  do  not  seem  to  un 
derstand  the  theory  of  the  paradox,  as  in  no  shape  or  manner  do 
they  practise  upon  it.  It  is  this  :  I  am  not  extracting  it  from 
a  book,  other  than  "  the  book  and  volume  of  my  brain,"  and 
may  not  hit  it.  If  one  body  of  water  is  the  ocean,  and  it  com 
municates  under  ground  through  a  small  pipe,  with  an  outlet 
on  any  surface  of  the  earth,  the  pressure  will  be  equal,  and 
the  little  stream  will  be  as  high  as  the  great  ocean ;  therefore, 
Rome  and  Cranberry  Centre  may  be  compared,  and  the  pressure 
of  human  nature  will  be  equal  without  regard  to  the  hemi 
spheres,  and  what  could  happen  to  Rome,  from  excess  of  great 
ness,  may  happen  to  Cranberry  Centre,  or  any  other  place.  I 
agree  to  this,  that  the  white  settlers  of  Cranberry  Centre 
were  no  better  nor  any  worse  than  those  of  other  towns,  whose 
pioneers  were  descendants  of  the  Plymouth  colony. 

I  shall  not  be  particular  as  to  dates,  but  the  following  state 
ment  may  be  relied  on.  In  due  course  of  time  the  following 
institutions  were  established :  a  meeting-house,  a  school-house, 
a  pound,  a  work-house,  a  poor-house,  a  store,-  a  mill,  a  justice 
of  the  peace,  a  constable,  a  whipping-post,  stocks  at  a  much 
later  period,  a  dance  hall,  a  fire-extinguisher,  and  an  oppo 
sition  meeting-house.  A  jail  was  in  the  next  town.  A  state 
prison  farther  off  answered  the  purpose.  I  will  do  justice  to 
my  native  town  by  stating  that  no  one  of  its  inhabitants  ever 
obtained  the  right  of  domicile  to  the- state  prison,  for  any  act 
committed  in  the  "  Centre;  "  some  few  citizens  having  been 
enticed  to  Boston  with  prospects  of  advancement,  I  am  told,  did 
disgrace  their  native  soil,  and  received  their  merited  reward.  It 


20  Lfi'E    OF 

\vill  be  perceived,  with  this  machinery  of  government,  and  the 
right  to  send  a  representative  to  the  legislature  to  superintend 
the  interests  of  Cranberry  Centre,  the  town  might  operate  it, 
and  contend  in  the  race  of  rivalry  with  the  other  independent 
democracies  in  the  county  of  which  it  was  a  part.  There  were 
roads  to  the  different  parts  of  Cranberry  Centre,  crossing  as  a 
general  rule  the  main  road,  and  leading  to  different  localities, 
some  of  which  have  names  expressive  of  topographical  dis 
tinction,  or  of  the  peculiarities  of  original  settlers ;  there  wore 
also  some  more  devious  pathways,  which  originally  had  been 
marked  out  by  the  boys  crossing  lots  to  the  school-house,  or 
after  the  cows  in  the  season  of  pasture-feeding  ;  on  the  main 
road  stood  the  meeting-house,  erected  after  a  plan  much  in 
vogue  in  New  England;  a  wooden  structure  with  a  porch,  or 
weather-shed,  doors  opened  on  three  sides  on  great  occasions, 
or  at  the  termination  of  services  ;  a  peculiarity  not  always  to 
be  accounted  for  in  a  people  so  thoroughly  church-going  as  the 
congregation  of  the  house  at  Cranberry  Centre,  —  upon  the 
door  were  posted  bills  of  the  tax-gatherer,  auctioneer,  town 
clerk,  and  pound-keeper. 

The  poor-house  had  a  forbidding  aspect ;  a  scrupulous  neat 
ness  characterized  its  outward  appearance  ;  the  barns  and  out 
houses  were  of  a  methodical  regularity,  the  more  chilling  to  the 
observer  if  he  reflected  upon  the  misfortunes  of  the  family  of 
the  town  dwelling  therein  ;  during  my  boyhood,  I  never  visited 
the  poor  farm.  The  stories  I  heard  of  its  keeper  and  its  in- 
3  did  not  encourage  me  to  accept  the  invitations  often 
given  to  me  on  visiting  days,  by  the  overseers  or  selectmen. 
The  occupants  of  the  rooms  in  the  poor-house  were  decrepid 
old  men  and  women,  an  idiot  or  two,  a  bed-ridden,  palsied  old 
soldier,  an  insane  woman,  with  an  occasional  cripple,  a  hero  of 
the  war,  for  "sailor's  rights  and  free  trade,"  as  they  called  it, 
whose  pension  from  his  grateful  government  was  not  sufficient 
to  supply  him  with  bread  and  milk,  if  from  any  other  source 


JEFFEllSQV    S.    n ATKINS.  21 

he  could  find  clothes  and  lodging.  I  did  not  at  the  time  un 
derstand  much  of  pauper  management,  but  from  what  I  gath 
ered  from  those  who  did,  poor-houses,  poor  people  in  them, 
and  poor-house  keepers,  are  about  the  same  all  the  world  over. 

Gipsey  Village  was  a  place  that  had  a  reputation  of  its  own, 
on  the  outskirts  of  Cranberry  Centre  proper.  Basket-making, 
poultry-stealing,  fortune-telling,  and  some  less  respectable  prac 
tices,  were  the  visible  means  of  subsistence  of  the  dwellers 
within  its  boundaries, —  a  set  of  rural  outlaws  of  both  sexes,  and 
of  all  ages,  much  of  a  pattern  with  this  class  of  nature's  noble 
men  who  are  constantly  making  business  for  constables,  justices 
of  the  peace,  keepers  of  jails  and  work-houses,  and  occasional 
necessities  for  the  services  of  physicians  and  coroner's  inquests. 
Our  constable,  Gideon  Bodge,  called  this  place  the  pest  of  his 
daily  life.  It  had  various  names  given  to  it,  according  to  the 
whims  of  different  observers  of  its  routine  of  vagabondage  and 
petty  crime. 

In  contrast  to  Gipsey  Village  was  the  better  part  of  the 
town,  through  which  abroad,  called  Main  Street,  had  been  laid 
out  at  the  early  settlement  of  this  ancient  and  respectable 
domain.  The  minister's  house,  called  the  Parsonage,  dis 
played  its  chimneys,  and  part  of  the  gable  roof,  above  the 
elm-trees  which  surrounded  it;  the  doctor's  homestead, 
with  its  neatly  ordered  fences,  sheds,  and  barns,  and  a  fine 
garden,  was  upon  the  opposite  side  of  the  way ;  the  law 
yer,  a  man  of  note,  had  a  fine  mansion,  for  the  times,  in  the 
neighborhood.  Here  were  law,  medicine,  and  divinity,  in  close 
proximity.  This  was  considered  the  aristocratic  portion  of  the 
town,  the  "  Centre." 

About  half  a  mile  from  this  centre  a  tavern  presented  its 
claim  to  notice,  by  a  somewhat  gaudily  painted  exterior ;  before 
its  door,  swinging  from  a-  beam  across  two  high  posts,  was  a 
sign  of  Washington  on  horseback,  painted  by  a  Boston  artist ; 
in  faded  letters  underneath  was  discernible  the  name  of  the 


22  LTFE    OF 

establishment,  partly  illustrated  by  the  picture,  u  Washington 
Tavern."  Down  a  lane,  a  few  rods  from  the  tavern,  were  the 
blacksmith's  and  the  wheelwright's  shops. 

From  this  point  a  good  view  was  had  of  the  houses  scattered 
about  in  different  directions,  and  of  the  styles  of  architecture 
which  give  its  peculiar  character  to  a  New  England  farm 
ing  town. 

I  do  not  suppose  that  Cranberry  Centre  differed  so  much 
from  many  other  New  England  villages  of  no  special  note, 
that  strangers  could  not  have  discerned  that  its  inhabitants  were 
not  to  be  set  down  altogether  of  that  class  that  nature  turns 
out  after  the  fashion  of  bread-pans  and  bean-pots,  with  no 
distinctive  marks  upon  them  except  as  to  the  size  and  capacity 
for  their  intended  uses.  I  shall  append  no  topographical, 
hydrographical,  or  trigonometrical  surveys  at  this  time,  nor 
make  any  further  descriptive  remarks ;  but  I  hope  to  prove 
that  the  people  of  this  ancient  and  honorable  town  were  superior 
in  some  respects  to  town  and  cities  in  the  Commonwealth,  of 
more  ostentatious  dimensions. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  23 


CHAPTER   IV. 

MY    BOYHOOD. 

I  REFERRED  in  a  previous  chapter  to  the  preliminary  steps 
towards  my  education ;  religion,  patriotism,  and  other  virtues 
being  mixed  together  at  an  early  age,  because.  I  suppose,  it  is 
thought  best  to  work  on  the  idea  that  "just  as  the  twig  is 
bent,  the  tree's  inclined,"  and  therefore  among  the  a-b,  abs, 
it  is  a  good  idea  to  sandwich  in  some  matters  that  the  oldest 
heads  in  after  life  find  a  difficulty  in  understanding.  About  my 
time  of  boyhood  there  was  a  lad  going  about  doing  all  sorts  of 
sums  in  arithmetic  without  slate  or  pencil ;  but  I  never  under 
stood  that  anything  great  came  out  of  it  when  he  was  a  man.  I 
suppose,  generally,  I  was  like  most -boys.  As  I  grew  up  I 
learned  to  play  the  jews-harp,  black  joke,  and  marbles,  on  the 
holidays ;  in  the  winter,  I  used  to  slide  down  hill  on  a  sled ;  I 
knew  pretty  much  what  was  going  on  about  the  house  ;  I  knew 
where  the  woodchuck-holes  were,  and  the  berry-fields,  and  the 
nut-trees ;  perhaps  I  had  as  much  of  the  boy  mischief  in  me  as 
was  good  for  me,  but  I  never  was  disposed  to  get  up  any  jokes 
that  would  do  anybody  harm.  If  there  were  any  barn-fillings, 
house-raisings,  or  funerals,  I  generally  knew  of  it,  and  was  on 
hand  to  do  my  share,  which  was  for  the  most  part  eating  and 
drinking  some  of  the  good  things  provided  on  such  occasions. 
I  had  never  any  desire  for  strong  drinks,  contrary  to  old 
women's  prophecies,  who.  in  consequence  of  the  use  of  gin  in 
the  substitutes  for  the  natural  aliment  not  furnished  by  my 
maternal  nurse,  said  I  should  be  a  drunkard.  Therefore  I  did 
not  hanker  after  the  sugar  left  in  the  tumblers,  on  the  side- 


24  TJFE    OF 

board  in  the  best  room,  after  the  contents  had  been  swallowed 
by  the  mourners  and  friends,  as  was  the  custom  at  funerals  in 
iny  boyhood's  days. 

I  cannot  say  I  ever  saw  any  of  the  men  or  women  folks 
tipsy  at  a  funeral;  but  as  their  eyes  were  red  1  from  weeping, 
and  their  grief  sometimes  made  them  nervous  and  uncertain  in 
their  gait,  it  might  have  happened  without  my  knowledge. 

Once,  at  Squire  Butters'  obsequies,  it  was  thought  the  min 
ister  was  so  affected  ;  and  his  enemies  did  say.  particularly 
some  members  of  the  opposition  meeting-house,  that  he  was 
fuddled  ;  his  friends  averred  that  he  was  suffering  from  rheu 
matic  neuralgia,  and  the  doctor  advised  him  to  take  Santa 
Cruz  spirit,  camphor  and  peppermint,  before  he  left  the  par 
sonage,  lie  did  so,  and  the  mixture  struck  to  his  head:  and 
if  this  had  not,  the  rheumatic  neuralgia  might  have  killed  him. 
This  is  my  boy's  recollection  of  the  affiir  at  the  time.  Two 
places  I  was  fond  of  visiting  whenever  I  had  the  opportunity, 
—  the  store  and  the  tavern.  There  were  always  some  queer 
old  jokers  about  these  places.  I  used  to  listen  with  delight  to 
their  stories  of  escapes  and  adventures,  when,  as  they  said,  the 
woods  of  Cranberry  Centre  were  full  of  bears  and  catamounts. 
I  had  full  faith  in  these  stories,  as  boys  usually  have ;  and  I 
was  in  the  habit  of  repeating  them  and  their  rusty  jokes  to 
eager  listeners  at  the  homestead. 

I  was  always  glad  to  be  sent  after  the  doctor,  and  that  was 
a  little  strange,  as  I  was  never  remarkable  for  posseting 
an  extra  share  of  moral  courage.  Most  boys  were  then  afraid 
to  go  into  the  doctor's  office.  I  was  not.  I  had  not  then  been 
told  how  much  I  was  indebted  to  the  doctor's  skill,  as  I  have 
stated  in  a  previous  —  question.  [Oh,  how  strange,  —  there's 
the  future  coming  to  mingle  with  the  past !  I  will  not  erase  the 
word,  but  substitute  the  correct  one  — previous  chapter.]  Wait 
ing  in  the  doctor's  office  one  evening  to  deliver  a  message  from 
my  father,  I  saw  upon  his  table  the  life  of  Uobinsoii  Crusoe. 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  25 

This  book  interested  me..  I  did  not  think  of  running  away 
as  he  did,  but  the  idea  did  come  into  my  head  as  to  whether  my 
life  in  Cranberry  Centre  would  ever  be  worth  writing.  I  bor 
rowed  the  book  from  the  doctor,  and  was  not  satisfied  until  I 
had  read  every  word  of  it. 

I  had  worked  on  the  farm  with  my  father ;  had  gone  along 
much  as  boys  do  in  similar  situations.  My  father  furnished 
me  my  board,  and  clothes,  which  were  never  extravagant,  and 
usually  made  with  an  allowance  for  growth  during  the  time 
they  were  in  condition  to  perform  the  duties  assigned  to  them. 
I  had  always- a  Sunday  suit,  and,  by  doing  chores  for  neigh 
bors,  and  the  like,  I  occasionally  could  jingle  in  my  pocket 
pieces  of  money  of  small  size  and  value,  with  a  representation 
of  the  copper  currency  of  the  times  in  greater  number. 

At  the  age  of  fifteen  I  went  to  a  husking.  I  was  natu 
rally  a  modest,  timid  fellow  among  the  women-folks,  but  when 
a  girl  insisted  upon  kissing  me  for  some  reason  connected  with 
the  corn-ears,  which  I  did  not  appreciate,  I  made  a  tussle  for 
it,  and  fell  down,  buried  with  corn-husks,  and,  mixed  up  as  I 
was  with  the  laughing  hussies,  she  accomplished  her  purpose 
amidst  shouts  of  laughter  and  jokes  I  have  not  forgotten  to  this 
day.  Next  day,  I  felt  a  strange  sort  of  nervousness,  as  they 
called  it.  I  got  frightened  and  went  to  Dr.  £lawter  with  my 
case,  who  laughed  at  me,  and  said  there  was  nothing  unnatural 
about  it ;  I  did  not  need  any  medicine,  as  the  difficulty  would 
cure  itself  as  I  grew  older.  It  gave  me,  however,  an  unpleasant 
idea  of  women  that  it  took  me  some  time  to  recover  from.  I 
went  to  one  Thanksgiving  ball ;  the  music  and  the  dancing 
almost  set  me  crazy,  but  remembering  the  affair  of  the  husking 
party,  I  went  home  and  played  checkers  with  our  hired  man,  — 
a  game  I  play  some  even  to  this  day,  and  enjoy  its  exhilarat 
ing  effects  very  much.  I  have  nothing  more  to  say  of  my  edu 
cation.  I  went  to  school  some,  studied  the  New  England 
Primer,  could  write  joining-hand,  and  cipher  a  little.  I 


LIFE    OF 


did  not  take  to  arithmetic  very  well,  and  studying  grammar 
appeared  to  me  a  useless  waste  of  time.  I  do  not  think  that 
any  event  occurred  which  would  be  of  interest  at  this  time  to 
record,  except  those  referred  to, — my  birth,  the  husking- 
party,  the  Thanksgiving  ball,  and  the  new  suit  of  blue  clothes, 
with  brass  buttons,  made  man-fashion,  and  given  to  me  as  a 
present  on  my  fifteenth  birthday. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  27 


CHAPTER  V. 

THE   INDIGNATION   MEETING. 

ENERGETIC  men  had  singled  out  Cranberry  Centre  as  a  place 
capable  of  great  improvement.  Good  farms  in  some  localities 
had  been  cut  up  into  building  lots.  It  had  been  proposed  to 
run  a  railroad  through  Cranberry  Centre.  This  project  met 
with  great  opposition.  One  of  the  strongest  opposers  of  this 
enterprise  was  my  father.  One  of  the  strongest  advocates  was 
a  gentleman  who  had  not  a  great  while  before  come  to  the 
Centre,  and  about  whose  history  and  previous  habits  there  had 
been  some  mystery.  For  reasons  hereafter  to  be  given,  he 
was  more  frequently  spoken  of  as  "Mrs.  Simms'  man"  than 
his  real  name  of  Andriss  used,  when  he  was  spoken  to.  In  the 
short  time  he  had  resided  in  the  Centre,  he  had  acquired  some 
reputation  as  a  lawyer,  and  some  people  had  gone  so  far  as  to 
say  that  Squire  Andriss  was  ahead  of  anybody  in  the  State.  A 
young  lawyer  fronfNew  Hampshire  was  then  beginning  to 
make  marks,  but  it  was  said  Squire  Andriss  was  too  much  for 
him  in  a  case  which  at  this  time  had  just  been  tried. 

In  order  that  my  account  of  the  meeting  I  am  about  to 
give  may  be  understood,  I  will  state  how  matters  stood  be 
tween  the  railroad  corporation  and  the  people  of  the  Centre. 
A  charter  having  been  obtained,  the  question  was  whether  the 
railroad  corporation  should  lay  their  track  through  the  old 
bury  ing-ground,  where  reposed  in  peace  the  illustrious  dead 
of  Cranberry  Centre,  who  had  been  tenants  of  this  soil  since 
the  settlement  of  the  town  :  — 

"  Thoro  the  rudo  forefathers  of  the  hamlet  sleep." 


28  LIFE    OF 

When  this  route  was  proposed  to  my  father  he  was  in  a  rage 
not  controllable  by  merely  persuasive  words.  I  will  not  under 
take  the  phraseology  of  his  first  loud  and  plump  refusal,  backed 
by  an  oath,  which,  if  my  father's  wishes  upon  himself  had  been 
gratified,  would  have  prevented  his  contemplation  of  a  hereafter 
in  a  very  complacent  tone  of  mind.  To  whoever  spoke  to  him 
with  a  view  to  cause  him  to  reconsider  his  expressed  deter 
mination  of  opposition,  he  repeated  his  first  negative  with 
such  variations  as  appeared  to  him  best  adapted  to  render  hope 
less  any  appeal  to  his  judgment  as  between  private  rights  and 
the  public  good. 

I  cannot  undertake  to  give  his  indignant  answer  to  a  com 
mittee  of  the  railroad  stockholders  who  proposed  to  give  the 
town  land  for  a  new  cemetery,  and  to  remove  the  dead,  free  of 
all  expense  to  the  survivors,  to  the  new  location  upon  a  hill, 
where  it  was  not  probable  that  any  railroad  would  interfere 
with  their  repose  at  least  for  a  century  to  come. 

After  a  number  of  private  caucuses  among  the  leaders  of 
politics  in  the  Centre,  the  following  notice,  posted  in  the  usual 
places  when  meetings  were  called  on  town  business,  may  give 
the  reader  some  idea  of  the  state  of  the  Centre  at  this  time  :  — 

"PUBLIC    NOTICE. 

"  The  inhabitants  of  Cranberry  Centre,  without  respect  to  party,  opposed  to  the 
sacrilegious  attempt  of  a  soulless  and  aristocratic  monopoly,  composed  for  the  most 
part  of  non-residents  of  the  town,  to  desecrate  and  to  destroy  the  ancient  burying- 
ground  by  running  a  railroad  through  its  consecrated  soil,  are  requested  to  assemble 
in  the  meeting-house  of  the  first  parish,  at  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  on  Wednes 
day  next,  if  the  weather  is  fair,  to  consult  as  to  the  best  means  of  frustrating  this 
odious  violation  of  the  rights  of  the  living  and  the  dead. 

"JETI1RO  BATKINS, 
"  (For  the  Committee  of  Citizens  opposed  to  the  railroad),  Chairman." 

Attired  in  my  new  suit  of  blue3  with  my  father  I  attended 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  29 

the  meeting,  a  description  of  which  I  am  about  to  give.  I 
take  a  part  of  it  from  the  newspaper  of  the  time,  and  partly 
from  impressions  made  upon  my  memory  by  an  event 
which  agitated  Cranberry  Centre  almost  to  its  founda 
tion. 

When  the  day  arrived  for  the  meeting,  Cranberry  Centre 
was  all  alive.  On  Sunday  previous,  the  minister  preached 
about  the  railroad.  I  didn't  remember  the  text.  I  thought  that 
it  wras  a  little  out  of  the  way,  to  carry  railroads  into  sermons. 
But  since  that  day,  politics,  life  insurance,  summer  resorts, 
and  quack  medicines,  have  each  and  all  had  their  turn  in  the 
pulpits  of  some  meeting-houses,  until  the  business  of  this  life,  and 
the  occupation  of  the  next,  are  so  mixed  up,  that  congrega 
tions  hardly  know  where  they  are,  or  whether  Sunday  is  diiferent 
from  other  days  of  the  week.  What  would  the  people  have  said  if 
the  minister  of  Cranberry  Centre  had  had  his  name  put  out  as 
the  author  of  novels  !  How  hard  it  is  to  keep  back  where  I 
ought  to  be,  in  writing  the  events  of  a  quarter  of  century 
or  more  behind  this  state  of  things  ! 

Cranberry  Centre,  as  I  have  stated,  was  all  in  commotion. 
The  old  farmers  turned  out  from  the  extreme  ends  of  the  town 
and  the  by-ways  :  some  on  foot,  some  in  their  old  chaises, 
some  in  wagons,  and  some  on  horseback.  I  shall  leave  the  pic 
ture  to  the  imagination  of  those  people  who  have  seen  the  gather 
ings  at  a  turkey-shooting,  a  barn-raising,  a  voting-day,  a  wed 
ding  in  the  meeting-house,  or  a  Christian  revival,  a  camp-meet 
ing,  a  cattle-show,  or  the  day  the  circus  first  enters  into  a  coun 
try  town.  This  ':  turn  out"  resembled  them  all  put  together, 
and  in  fact  there  were  few  people  left  in  the  houses  except 
nursing  children,  cripples,  and  some  old  maids,  who  took  advan 
tage  of  the  absence  from  home  of  so  many  of  the  men  folks  to 
have  a  clearing  up  of  places  that  had  not  seen  mop  or  broom 
since  the  last  time.  I  need  not  fully  describe  the  inside  of 


30  LIFE   OF 

the  meeting-house.  It  was  like  most  of  its  kind,  externally  and 
internally,  — a  platform,  a  pulpit  with  a  sounding-board,  three 
rows  of  pews,  a  gallery  part  way  round,  in  which  the  singers  and 
the  bass-viol  were  conspicuous  on  proper  occasions.  There  was 
no  band  of  music  engaged,  and  that  Iead3  me  to  remark  on  the 
difference  since  pianos  and  such-like  things  were  introduced. 
Nowadays  a  band  of  music  is  engaged  to  play  between  the 
speeches.  At  the  appointed  hour,  an  old  gentleman  —  I  did  not 
hear  his  name,  and  I  did  not  put  it  down  —  called  the  meeting 
to  order,  and  read  the  notice  of  the  meeting. 

My  father  had  taken  me  with  him  close  up  to  the  pulpit, 
and  I  declare  I  felt  proud  of  my  situation  so  near  the  big 
people  of  Cranberry  Centre. 

There  was  a  proposition  to  open  the  meeting  with  prayer ; 
this  was  voted  down  ;  one  man  said  it  ought  to  be  done,  —  that 
was  the  way  the  Declaration  of  Independence  was  made,  arid 
he  considered  this  meeting  riot  second  in  importance  to  that  revo 
lutionary  event.  Another  man  said'that  he  liked  to  have  prayers 
said  at  funerals;  but  he  did  .not  see  the  need  of  them  at  wed 
dings  or  other  meetings.  He  did  not  think  the  feelings  of  the 
people  were  in  a  condition,  on  these  occasions,  for  prayer.  He 
said  he  was  willing  to  have  the  help  of  Providence,  whenever 
he  undertook  any  work  ;  but,  according  to  his  understanding,  if 
you  have  anything  to  do  with  railroad  corporations,  there's  no 
use  relying  on  Providence ;  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  keep  your 
eyes  open,  and  not  let  them  get  ahead  on  you.  I  noticed  my 
father  was  uneasy,  he  kind  of  talked  out  his  thoughts.  When 
the  prayer  was  first  proposed,  he  said,  "That's  right.  Jeff."  A  i'ter 
the  last  speaker  concluded,  he  said,  in  an  undertone,  "  Well,  I 
don't  know.  Some  truth  in  what  he  says."  The  large  vote 
iriven  against  the  opening  of  the  meeting  with  prayer  settled 
my  tathers  notion  of  the  matter,  and  he  held  up  his  nand  in 
favor  of  omission,  with  courage  and  vigor,  arid  looking  at  me 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  31 

as  much  as  to  say,  '.'  That's  right."  I  may  as  well  explain  the 
difference  between  railroad  coroporations  in  the  early  days  of 
their  introduction  and  now.  The  directors  or  individuals  did 
seem  to  have  some  consciences,  and  did  look  upon  it  as  rather 
hard  to  tear  up  the  homes  and  the  graves  of  communities,  in 
order  to  improve  the  public  travel,  and  such  other  reasons  as  are 
given  for  changes  and  improvements  now.  Although  the  Legis 
lature  gave  the  corporation  the  right,  for  the  public  good,  to 
destroy  a  homestead,  a  graveyard,  or  a  meeting-house,  still 
they  had  a  desire  to  smooth  things  up  a  little,  and  get  the  con 
sent  of  the  people,  who  were  not  used  to  the  innovation  of  the 
times.  Things  are  different  now.  Corporations  go  through  any 
thing,  legislatures,  courts,  treasury  funds,  people's  rights,  to 
a  terminus  not  always  beneficial  to  the  public  or  to  themselves, 
but,  to  balance  the  account,  prayers  are  more  frequent.  It  is  not 
uncommon  to  open  stockholders'  meetings,  under  some  circum 
stances,  in  this  way.  Agricultural  fairs,  boat-races,  horse-trotting 
matches  and  dancing  parties,  perhaps  prize-fights^  will  be  thus 
inaugurated  as  matters  improve. 

I  cannot  give  all  the  particulars  of  the  organization  of  the 
meeting ;  there  was  a  great  deal  of  whispering  among  the  peo 
ple  on  the  platform.  At  length  the  meeting  was  put  in  work 
ing  order  by  the  choice  of  a  moderator ;  a  tall  gentleman 
read  the  following  resolutions,  —  he  was  the  secretary  :  — 

"Resolved,  by  the  people  of  Cranberry  Centre,  in  town 
meeting  assembled,  that  we  view  with  alarm  the  encroachment 
of  corporate  power  upon  private  rights,  and  consider  the  yield 
ing  by  the  Legislature  to  such  inroads  upon  the  habits  and  cus 
toms  of  law-abiding  people  and  Christian  communities,  as  open 
ing  the  graves  of  the  departed  dead,  and  exposing  them  to  the 
vulgar  gaze  of  the  rabble,  subversive  of  the  true  principles  of 
liberty,  for  which  our  fathers  fought,  bled,  and  died,  on  Lex 
ington  Plain  and  Bunker  Hill." 

Upon  this  bejng  read,  there  was  a  great  clapping  of  hands, 


3:2  LIFE  OF 

and  some  hurrahs.  My  father  expressed  his  assent  to'  these  dem 
onstrations  with  a  liberal  display  of  approving  smiles.  In  those 
days  Bunker  Hill  and  Lexington  were  considered  among  the 
great  things  of  the  world.  Subsequent  events  have  somewhat 
damaged  their  value.  They  are  scarcely  referred  to  now  even 
in  Fourth-of-July  orations. 

The  second  resolution  was  then  read,  as  follows:  "He- 
solved,  that  we  pledge  ourselves  to  resist  this  new  tyranny,  and 
instruct  our  next  representative  to  the  General  Court  to  use  his 
influence  to  have  all  charters  repealed  giving  any  such  rights 
to  corporations  as  to  desecrate  graveyards  and  churches,  or  that 
in  any  way  interfere  with  private  rights.  Also,  resolved,  that  our 
representative  be  requested  to  pledge  himself  to  oppose  this 
spirit  of  domination,  now,  henceforth,  and  forever,  and  to  com 
municate  with  other  friends  of  the  cause,  in  order  to  accom 
plish  this  patriotic  purpose." 

More  clapping  of  hands  followed  this  part  of  the  ceremony. 
It  was  evident  that  some  one,  out  of  the  usual  course  of  things, 
had  framed  these  resolutions.  My  father  could  never  have 
done  it.  It  must  have  been  the  work  of  the  minister,  or  Dr. 
Slawter,  or  the  lawyer,  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man." 

No  one  seemed  ready  to  speak  first ;  there  was  a  large  amount 
of  whispering,  and  angular  and  energetic  gesticulations ;  but 
no  person  seemed  ready  to  begin.  As  is  often  the  case  on 
such  occasions,  everybody  is  waiting  for  somebody  else.  Here 
in  is  the  advantage  of  a  band  of  music,  as  is  the  modern  way 
of  pumping  spunk  into  a  dormant  gathering.  There  was  a 
dreary  and  dead  silence,  when,  after  some  pushing  and  nodding, 
the  moderator  arose,  and  in  a  low  voice  inquired  what  was  the 
pleasure  of  the  meeting.  In  modern  times  some  half-a-dozen 
boys  would  simultaneously  have  shouted  out  for  a  speech  :  but 
no  one,  in  those  days,  had  arrived  at  that  advanced  state  of 
"Hail  Columbia"  or  "Yankee  Doodle"  inspiration,  to  make 
somebody  say  something.  After  a  great  many  evidences 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  33 

1 

of  embarrassment,  my  father  arose.  All  eyes  were  upon  him. 
He  opened  his  mouth,  but  words  seemed  to  be  wanting.  He 
placed  both  hands  upon  the- partition  separating  the  pew  from 
the  one  before  it,  and  at  last  there  escaped  from  his  mouth 
these  words :  "Mister  Mod-e-ra-tor,  I  move  the  adoption  of 
these  resolutions.  I  —  I  —  move  that  —  "  He  sat  down. 

Immediately  arose  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  the  lawyer,  with  an 
air  of  modesty  becoming  to  any  man,  and  quite  surprising  in  the 
case  of  a  man  who  had  the  reputation  of  robbing  his  principal, 
and  marrying  his  wife.  Whatever  might  be  the  truth  in  the 
case,  he  looked  around,  measured  the  calibre  of  the  meeting, 
and  in  a  sweet,  winning  voice  began:  "Mr.  Moderator,  in 
ma'tters  of  this  kind  it  is  not  always  well  to  be  hasty.  Under 
some  circumstances  I  can  conceive  that  disturbing  the  re 
mains  of  those  we  love,  who  have  been  quietly  reposing  in  their 
last  homes,  would  be  an  act  of  great  cruelty,  and  lacerating  to 
the  feelings  of  friends  who  survived.  Now  I  am  personally 
acquainted  with  many  of  the  directors  of  the  railroad,  and  I 
am  sure,  if  they  had  the  slightest  idea  of  the  objections  here 
raised,  they  would  sooner  sacrifice  all  their  interests,  and  some 
of  their  lives  even,  rather  than  to  carry  their  road  through 
Cranberry  Centre.  It  is  true  they  have  the  power,  but  they 
have  too  much  humanity  in  them,  for  merely  pecuniary  gain,  to 
offend  the  intelligent  farmers  of  this  enterprising  town.  I 
need  not  state  the  advantages  to  you  of  having  this  road  built, 
or  the  disadvantages  to  you  if  it  goes  through  Leadenville 
and  avoids  Cranberry  Centre  altogether. 

"  If  the  road  goes  through,  this  will  be  the  central  depot  for 
produce.  It  will  raise  the  value  of  your  lands,  reduce  your 
taxes,  and  bring  the  necessaries,  nay,  the  luxuries  of  life  to  your 
very  doors,  from  all  parts  of  the  world.  Now,  as  I  said,  my 
friends  and  neighbors,  I  have  a  common  interest  with  you,  and 
I  should  regret  if,  by  passing  these  harsh  resolutions,  we  should 
force  the  directors  of  the  railroad  to  give  to  Leadenville  the 


84  LIFE    OF 

advantages  intended  for  us  alone.  I  think  in  the  course  of 
time  it  will  be  necessary  to  have  a  new  cemetery.  If,  I  say, 
if  you  should  upon  consideration  give  the  corporation  permis 
sion  to  grade  the  cemetery,  and  lay  the  track  upon  it,  you  would 
not  desire  the  cars  to  run  over  the  cherished  resting-places  of 
your  friends.  I  have  no  doubt  the  corporation  would,  in  the 
most  careful  and  appropriate  manner,  remove  the  remains  of 
your  loved  ones  to  a  new  cemetery,  and  though  pecuniary  con 
siderations  could  never  alone  weigh  in  the  matter  to  influence 
your  decision,  I  feel  sure  the  corporation  would  satisfy  all  claims 
on  that  score,  for  your  noble  resignation  of  private  rights  for 
the  public  good.  I  hope  this  meeting  will  think,  and  not  act 
rashly  in  the  matter  of  these  resolutions."  He  sat  down.  More 
whispering  and  putting  of  heads  together ;  my  father  fidgety. 
All  eyes  were  upon  him.  Fingers  were  pointed  in  the  direc 
tion  of  our  pew.  The  fact  was,  my  father  was  the  chief 
getter-up  of  this  meeting,  and  it  was  expected  that  he 
would  answer  any  person  who  should  be  bold  enough  to  defend 
the  railroad  corporation.  His  continued  silence  at  last  be 
came  unendurable.  One  thick-set,  farmer-looking  individual 
arose,  with  the  hoarse  voice  peculiar  to  an  obese  specimen 
of  a  cider-drinking  community,  and  delivered  himself  as  fol 
lows  :  — 

"  Mr.  Moderator:  I  have  listened  to  the  resolutions  and  to 
the  gentleman's  speech.  I  have  not  anybody  that  belonged  to  me 
buried  in  the  graveyard,  and  don't  expect  to  be  put  there  myself, 
— at  least,!  am  not  in  a  hurry  to  be,  Mr.  Moderator  ;  but  I  should 
like  to  hear  both  sides.  I  should  like  to  hear  Mr.  Batkins'  views 
on  the  question,  and  I  hope  he  will  speak."  He  sat  down, 
chuckling  at  his  success,  and  turned  square  round  to  hear  my 
father,  encouraging  him  with  saying,  also,  "  Get  up,  Batkins,  and 
say  something." 

After  many  eiforts,  my  father  was  on  his  feet.  I  stood  up, 
gazing  upon  him  with  admiration,  —  my  father  going  to  speak 
against  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man."  Now,  I  had  heard  my  father's  posi- 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  35 

live  style  of  speaking  about  the  house,  and  around  the  farm  to 
the  men  and  the  cattle,  and  sometimes  down  at  the  store,  about 
election  time.  I  had  heard  him  talk  to  the  neighbors  on  this 
question,  calling  anybody  hard  names  who  was  in  favor  of  the 
railroad.  Now  I  was  to  hear  a  reply  to  evidently  a  friend  of 
the  outrageous  association. 

My  father's  brow  was  covered  with  sweat.  He  clenched  his 
hands.  "Mr.  Moderator,"  were  his  first  words,  and  these  he 
repeated  several  times,  and  in  different  tones  of  voice.  I  began 
to  think  the  old  gentleman  would  back  down.  He,  however, 
rallied,  and  using  both  hands  and  arms,  in  various  styles,  of 
impressive  and  expressive  pantomine,  —  this  word  has  been  put 
in  since  I  copied  my  ideas  from  the  orignal  journal,  —  he  at 
length,  in  a  loud  tone,  commenced  the  exordium  of  his  speech,  — 
this  is  also  added:  "Mr.  Moderator,  my  friends,  and  fellow- 
townsmen,  I  am  well  known  to  you  all.  When  I  say  a  thing 
I  mean  it,  unless  something  happens  to  change  my  mind.  I 
am  opposed  to  the  railroad  on  conscientious  grounds.  I  came 
prepared  to  answer  any  man  who  wants  to  prove  the  railroad  to 
be  of  any  use  to  Cranberry  Centre,  anyhow ;  but,  sir,  when  it 
comes  to  destroying  the  ancient  landmarks,  —  the  burying- 
ground, —  I  —  '"' 

My  father  stopped  full,  and,  taking  from  his  pocket,  a  piece 
of  folded  paper,  handed  it  to  me  to  read,  looking  in  vain 
in  all  his  pockets  for  his  spectacles,  without  which  the  paper 
upon  which  was  written  the  heads  of  his  objections  was  en 
tirely  useless.  He  spoke  in  a  scarcely  audible  voice:  "Jeff, 
read  me  what  the  paper  says  about  the  sacrilege."  I  repeated : 
"  To-day  I  despise  the  wretch  who,  for  filthy  lucre,  would  see 
the  railroad  corporation  play  with  his  dead  ancestors'  bones  aa 
with  a  club."  —  "  Yes,  yes,"  says  my  father,  "  that  will  do  ;  " 
and  he  repeated  this  Shakespearean  paraphrase,  I  cannot  say 
with  good  emphasis  and  good  discretion,  but  with  that  volume 
of  voice  for  which  he  was  so  noted  when  driving  cattle  from 


36  LIFE    OF 

the  corn,  or  the  dogs  from  the  chickens,  or  a  suspicious-looking 
wayfarer,  who  might  be  entering  the  gate  leading  to  the  door-yard 
of  our  homestead.  At  this  time  I  did  not  know  anything 
about  Shakespeare,  but  I  thought  the  minister  or  the  doctor  wrote 
this  for  him  when  they  made  the  resolution.  My  father  rose 
in  my  estimation  after  this  first  speech,  and  he  continued  calling 
all  corporations  awful  names,  and  this  one  in  particular,  which 
was  to  ruin  Cranberry  Centre  by  the  new  enterprise.  A  few 
questions  were  asked  and  answered  by  different  persons,  none 
of  them  throwing  much  light  upon  the  real  intention  of  the 
corporation.  Trom  the  speech  of  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  which 
Was  a  feeler,  nothing  could  be  gained  as  to  which  side  he  would 
take.  After  my  father's  speech,  the  general  feeling  was,  Down 
with  the  railroad  !  yet  nobody  seemed  ready  to  push  the  advan 
tage,  and  carry  the  resolutions.  My  father  was  surrounded  by  his 
friends,  who  congratulated  him  on  his  effort.  His  popularity 
was  established,  and  at  that  time  he  could  have  been  nominated 
as  Governor  of  the  State,  and  elected  too,  if  the  vote  of  Cran 
berry  Centre  could  have  done  it.  I  need  not  say  how  proud  I 
felt.  I  was  naturally  tall  of  my  age,  and  I  stretched  myself 
to  my  utmost  length,  at  the  hazard  of  the  seams  in  my  new 
trousers,  and  bright  buttons  that  decorated  my  first  long-tailed 
coat. 

"Mrs.  Simms'  man"  rose  again,  and  in  that  winning  way 
that  I  before  described,  said:  "Mr.  Moderator,  perhaps  before 
passing  the  resolution,  which  I  am  inclined  to  favor,  we  had 
better  dispense  with  the  formality  of  the  occasion,  and  talk  as 
neighbors  and  friends,  so  that,  whatever  conclusion  we  arrive 
at,  we  may,  as  one  man,  be  a  solid  phalanx  in  our  resistance  to 
any  power  that  would  rob  us  of  our  rights." 

This  appeared  to  suit  the  majority,  and  when  it  was  formal 
ly  announced,  promiscuous  conversation  caused  such  a  confu 
sion  that  it  would  be  difficult  to  say  what  opinion  had  been 
arrived  at.  After  a  short  time,  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man  "  came  into 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  37 

the  pew  where  we  were ;  he  was  very  polite.  He  looked  at  me  all 
over  :  "  Mr.  Batkins'  son,  I  suppose."  I  said  I  had  supposed  so. 
"  Look  like  your  father,  young  man ;  I  hope  you  will  one  day 
fill  his  place.  "  This  was  very  complimentary  to  me  ;  but  at  this 
time  my  father  was  so  full  of  enthusiasm,  he  did  not  look  upon 
the  prophecy  with  complacency  ;  as  he  at  that  time  had  no  idea 
of  anybody  filling  his  place,  particularly  if  the  road  was  to 
run  through  the  graveyard,  where  his  wife,  my  mother,  was 
reposing.  This  appeared  to  be  the  sum  and  substance  of  his 
thoughts,  judging  from  the  conversation  going  on  between 
him  and  -'Mrs.  Simms'  man."  Something  like  the  following 
dialogue  took  place,  beginning  in  a  whisper,  and,  as  the  people 
gradually  went  away  from  the  pew,  the  voices  increased  in  tone, 
so  that  I  heard  it  without  putting  out  my  ears  to  listen. 

"  Well,"  said  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  "  I  agree  with  you,  Mr, 
Batkins,  but  I  can  assure  you  the  corporation  have  no  such  in 
tention  ;  if  the  road  does  not  go  through  the  burying-ground,  it 
will  go  higher  up,  and  through  the  best  part  of  your  farm  ;  so  you 
see  personally  you  will  lose  by  the  operation  ;  now  they  have  that 
lot  next  to  yours,  by  the  upper  road.  If  you  will  not  oppose  the 
lower  track,  they  will  convey  to  you,  for  a  nominal  sum,  Hedge's 
piece  of  good  land,  and  purchase  all  your  sand-hills  to  fill  up  the 
marsh." 

My  father  listened  with  great  attention:  "  Well,"  said  he, 
"that  looks  fair ;  why  didn't  they  say  so  to  me  before  we  got  up 
this  meeting  ?  Now,  after  I  have  called  them  such  hard  names, 
and  roused  up  all  Cranberry  Centre,  it  will  not  do  for  me  to  show 
any  signs  of  backing  out." 

"Mrs.  Simms'  man"  whispered  again:  "All  easy  enough. 
I  will  make  a  motion  to  adjourn  the  meeting,  to  be  called  to 
gether  by  the  committee,  after  they  have  seen  what  the  directors 
of  the  corporation  mean  to  do."  Something  had  evidently 
changed  my  father's  mind ;  either  that  I  heard,  or  something 
else  that  was  said  when  their  two  heads  were  close  together. 


38  LIFE    OF 

Without  much  ceremony,  the  resolutions  were  laid  on  the 
table,  and  the  meeting  adjourned,  to  be  called  together  by  the 
committee,  of  which  my  father  was  the  chairman.  The  meet 
ing  dispersed  as  it  came,  only  with  more  rapidity  of  motion. 
It  was  never  calle$  together  again.  The  road  went  through 
the  graveyard.  My  mother's  remains  were  removed  to  the 
new  cemetery,  and  for  the  first  time,  when  the  old  stone  was 
taken  up,  I  discovered  when  my  mother  died,  and  her  age  at 
the  time  of  her  decease.  This  excitement  made  a  great  impres 
sion  on  me,  and  particularly  when  the  addition  was  made  to 
our  farm,  and  my  father  was  made  a  justice  of  the  peace  and 
a  coroner  of  the  county ;  arid  by  these  two  offices  I  was  enabled 
to  know  more  of  the  doings  in  Qranberry  Centre  than  the 
generality  of  people  of  my  age. 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  39 


CHAPTER    VI. 

MY   FIRST   TEMPTATION. 

ABOUT  -  this   time  I  began   keeping  a  journal  of  matters 
about  the  farm,  and   saved  up   pieces  from   the  newspapers, 
which  I  cut  out  and  pasted  in  an  old  account-book.     I  think  I 
must  say  I  was  led  to  this  from  my  continued  reading  of  the 
"  Life  of  Robinson  Crusoe,"  to  whose  adventures  I  became 
more  and   more  attached.     I  used   the  "  Old    Farmer's  Al 
manac  "  to  record  my  adventures,  without  being  aware  at  the 
time  how  useful  this  would  be,  as  I  did  not  then  think  of 
writing    my    own   life.       I   shall   not   suppress   any   truth ; 
my  journal  accounts  were  deficient  in  fulness,  and  my  spell 
ing  was  not  what  it  ought  to  have   been ;   but,  making  allow 
ance,  I  was  about  up  to  the  average ;  and  I  have  since  known 
a  school-committee-man  who  could  not  write  his  name.     I  had 
serious  thoughts  of  leaving  off  farm  work,  as  I  had  no  wages,  and 
either  going  apprentice  to  some  trade,  or  obtaining  a  situation 
in  Deacon  Sinoothe's  grocery  and  dry  goods  store.  I  understood 
his  clerk  was  about  to  be  married  and  set  up  on   his  "own 
hook,"  as  he  called  it.  and  that  would  leave  a  chance  for  some 
young  man,  of  a  religious  turn  of  mind,  who  was  willing  to 
work.     I  did  not    seem  to    suit  the    deacon  ;    but  when  my 
father  heard  of  my  movement,  he  proposed  to  give  me  an 
allowance,  besides  my  board  and  clothes,  until  I  was  of  age. 
He  was  a  plausible  man,  and  he  used  to  bring  me  over  to  his 
opinions,  after  a  hard  day's  work,  with  the  following  announce 
ment  :  — 

"Jefferson,   you  are  my  only  son;    you  look  partly  like 


40  LIFE    OF 

me,  and  partly  like  your  mother.  You  have  all  our  good 
points :  you  are  industrious,  frugal,  and  honest :  when  I 
am  gone  all  my  property  will  fall  to  you  :  and  it  depends 
upon  yourself  whether  or  not  you  will  be  the  greatest  man  in 
Cranberry  Centre." 

While  events  were  transpiring  which  I  need  not  mention,  I 
was  growing  older,  and  increasing  in  stature ;  but  I  do  not  think 
my  mental  capacity  was  increasing  in  the  same  proportion  as  my 
corporal.  I  pondered  a  good  deal  over  things  I  had, read  ;  but 
"Robinson  Crusoe"  was  uppermost  in  my  mind.  I  read  it 
so  often  that  I  could  repeat  a*  great  many  chapters  of  it.  I 
tried  to  learn  to  sing;  but  the  teacher  said  there  was  no 
music  in  me.  I  was  equally  bad  off.  in  dancing  qualities.  In 
short,  though  I  was  reckoned  forward  in  physique,  as  Dr. 
Slawter  called  it,  I  was  rather  backward  in  intellect;  this 
did  not  discourage  me.  Not  knowing  the  destiny  that  awaited 
me,  I  was  as  happy  in  my  ignorance  of  scholastic  qualities, 
as  in  the  enjoyment  of  doughnuts,  pumpkin  pies,  and 
cider  cake,  with  a  keen  appetite  for  all  good  things,  —  a 
condition  I  have  not  yet  outlived ;  I  hope  I  never  shall ; 
although  I  must  confess,  when  I  look  back,  I  am  surprised  to 
find  how  little  I  knew  of  human  nature,  which  ought  to  be  our 
study  first  and  last  and  all  the  time.  I  have  seen  that  idea  in 
a  book,  conveyed  in  the  following  concise  and  beautiful  sen 
tence  :  "  The  proper  study  of  mankind  is  man:  "  that  includes 
woman,  of  course,  as  a  prominent  feature  of  the  species. 

Time  kept  going  on  in  Cranberry  Centre  pretty  much  as  it  does 
everywhere  else.  People  were  born  and  died ;  the  poor  be 
came  rich  not  very  often,  but  the  rich  not  unfrequently  became 
poor,  and  that's  a  hard  case  anywhere.  I  used  to  think  seri 
ously  about  that  when  I  heard  of  any  poor  family  going  to  the 
poor  farm,  who,  when  I  first  knew  them,  held  good  positions, 
and  were  well-to-do.  Sometimes  the  extravagance  of  the 
wives  and  daughters,  sometimes  the  misfortunes  of  the  sons, 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  41 

and  sometimes  the  habit  of  too  often  going  to  the  tavern  or  the 
grocery,  swal lowed  up  all  the  homestead  ;  and  the  poor-house 
at  last  was  the  refuge  of  the  old  folks,  and  often  the  orphan 
infants  of  the  second  generation.  My  father,  I  arn  sorry  to 
say,  was  not  as  regular  to  his  meals  as  he  used  to  be.  Get 
ting  into  office,  and  occasionally  visiting  Boston,  as  he  often  did 
on  the  new  railroad,  changed  his  mode  of  life,  and  not  for  the 
better.  Our  house-keeper,  Aunt  Dolly  Spooner,  used  to  shake 
her  head,  and  say,  "  It  was  a  pity,  and  it  was  all  from  politics  ; 
for  since  the  indignation  meeting  my  father  was  mixed  up  in 
all  the  movements  of  the  day  in  this  direction. 

My  father,  satisfied  with  his  first  matrimonial  effort,  made 
no  second  attempt,  and  Aunt  Dolly,  since  the  death  of  my 
lamented  mother^  had  ruled  the  house  in  a  most  unexceptiona 
ble  manner.  She  was  always  kind  to  me,  and  before  she  had 
arrived  at  an  age  to  forbid  any  hope  of  her  being  my  step 
mother,  her  propriety  of  conduct  was  acknowledged  by  the 
proper  authority  of  the  place,  —  our  neighbors  and  friends. 
Scandal  will  thrive  anywhere,  in  any  soil,  particularly  where 
there  are  women  to  sow  the  seed  and  carefully  irrigate  the  soil 
in  the  encouragement  of  its  development,  if  such  a  process  is 
necessary.  So  there  was  scandal  even  in  Cranberry  Centre,  in 
volving  my  father's  name  with  Aunt  Dolly's  ;  one  disappointed 
damsel  avowing  to  my  father's  face,  that  if  he  did  not  marry 
Aunt  Dolly  he  ought  to  have  done  so,  to  save  appearances. 

For  the  motherly  treatment  given  to  me,  she  was  credited 
with  the  desire  to  be  the  second  Mrs.  Batkins.  She  gave  me 
good  advice,  and  while  talking  with  her  about  my  being  soon 
out  of  my  time,  she  said,  "Jefferson,  don't  never  go  into  poli 
tics,  and,  if  you  can  help  it,  don't  get  married  till  you  are  more 
than  forty  years  of  age."  I  always  believed  in  Aunt  Dolly, 
and  I  do  to  this  day  ;  but  still  I  must  confess  there  is  something 
in  human  nature,  —  and  the  more  I  study  it,  the  more  I  firfd  it 
to  be  true,  —  that  when  you  are  told  not  to  do  a  thing,  the  more 


42  LIFE    OF 

you  want  to  do  it.  Now,  I  confess,  I  had  a  strong  desire  to 
go  into  politics,  and  a  very  strong  inclination  to  go  into  marry 
ing  ;  but  though  I  did  both,  it  was  only  late  in  life ;  and  the 
reasons  for  resisting  these  strong  but  natural  ambitions  will  be 
discovered  at  a  proper  epoch  of  my  life.  In  about  a  month  I 
should  be  one-and-twenty  years  of  age.  I  had  no  strong  points 
of  character.  I  was  full  of  resolution  when  I  got  roused,  but  did 
not  carry  out  my  views  with  great  rapidity.  I  think  one  of 
my  great  qualities  was  caution.  Speculations  never  tempted 
me.  I  was  careful  with  what  small  sums  of  money  I  accu 
mulated,  and  never  borrowed  a  cent  up  to  the  time  of  my 
majority.  Folks  don't  usually  tell  of  any  of  their  failings ; 
but  I  am  not  ashamed  to  furnish  anything  that  will  give  an 
idea  of  my  character.  "  Just  as  the  twig  is  bent,'.'  and  u  Tall  oaks 
from  little  acorns  grow,"  are  among  the  axioms  of  my  earliest 
recollections.  I  have  said  I  was  a  believer  in  Dr.  Slawter's  theory 
of  inheriting  qualities  from  parents.  My  father  at  first  had  the 
reputation  of  being  a  mean,  close  man.  After  the  indignation 
meeting,  he  became  generous  and  liberal,  which  goes  to  show 
that  the  invention  of  railroads  was  a  moral  agent  in  the  im 
provement  of  character.  I  really  believe  I  was  naturally  mean 
and.  inheriting  it,  of ,  course  I  could  not  help  it.  I  did 
not  like  risking  money  that  I  could  not  see  any  equivalent  for, 
or  any  way  to  get  it  back.  A  little  of  my  own  human  nature 
ut  this  time  may  be  gathered  from  an  incident  which  I  am 
about  to  relate.  This  was  put  into  a  paper  some  time  ago  ;  but  I 
am  the  man  and  Cranberry  Centre  is  the  place  where  the  fact 
occurred. 

We  had  a  hired  girl,  a  plump  body,  about  ten  years  older 
than  I  was.  She  had  lived  in  Boston,  but  for  some  reason  pre 
ferred  to  come  into  the  country.  She  was  full  of  jokes,  and, as 
Aunt  Dolly  said,  was  always  ready  to  carry  on  with  any  fellow  ; 
and  somehow  or  other  I  did  feel  as  if  I  was  in  love  with  her.  It  was 
a  plaguy  curious  sort  of  sensation  anyhow.  In  a  frolic  she  kissed 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  ,         43 

me  one  day.  I  blushed  at  the  time.  I  was  uneasy  except  when 
she  was  about.  She  always  seemed  to  appear  to  me  wherever  I 
was,  or  whatever  I  was  doing  ;  if  I  went  to  milk  a  cow,  feed  the 
swiue,  or  drive  the  cattle  to  pasture.  I  had  a  kind  of  feeling 
that  I  almost  wished  that  I  was  a  pair  of  footings,  or  any 
thing  else  that  passed  through  her  hands  washing-days.  She 
used  to  talk  a  good  deal  about  getting  married  to  different 
fellows,  who  used  to  be  coming  there,  and  whenever  she  did 
I  used  to  feel  as  if  I  would  poison  any  fellow  that  should  dare 
to  do  such  a  thing ;  and  so  I  told  her  one  day.  She  said  she 
would  not  speak  to  any  other  fellow,  if  I  would  marry  her.  She 
vowed  she  loved  me,  and  so  "  bewildered  and  bedevilled  me,"  as 
Aunt  Dolly  said,  that  I  agreed  to  marry  her,  — so  Sarah  said. 
I  suppose  this  was  my  first  love.  They  say  everybody  is  bound 
to  have  such  a  thing.  I  was  not  of  age,  but  still  I  really 
think  I  made  some  promise  to  marry  her,  and  after  that  I  used 
to  go  walking  round  nights  with  her,  coming  home  a  little  late 
and  entering  at  a  different  door.  Some  folks  noticed  it ;  and  I 
was  bantered  a  little  by  my  young-men  companions.  Aunt 
Dolly  saw  it,  cautioned  me  against  the  Jezebel,  as  she  called 
her,  threatened  to  turn  her  away  and  tell  my  father  of  my 
danger.  A  truce  was  made,  and  my  fi^r  Sally  Trivetts  was 
urging  me  to  fix  the  day  of  marriage.  She  had  proposed  a 
visit  to  the  next  town  ;  to  do  this  we  must  go  over  a  bridge,  or 
take  the  railroad  train.  One  was  more  expensive  than  the 
other;  but  she  decided  that  we  should  go  on  the  cars.  My  con 
science  troubled  me  very  much.  This  was  a  turning-point.  I 
dressed  in  rny  best ;  so  did  she.  She  went  out  as  usual,  at  the 
back  door,  while  I  went  out  at  the  front.  I  felt  as  if  I  had 
been  stealing  a  sheep  and  didn't  know  what  to  do  with  the  mut 
ton,  and  half  made  up  my  mind  not  to  go ;  but  somehow,  with 
out  any  real  cause,  I  was  afraid  of  her.  I  had  heard  of  men 
being  put  in  ja.il  for  not  marrying  girls ;  but  was  not,  at  that 
time,  aware  of  my  legal  defence,  —  that  in  law  I  was  an  infant, 
though  in  fact  nearly  six  feet  high.  I  joined  her,  and  we  walked 


44  .  LIFE    OF 

to  the  station.  I  went  up  to  the  ticket-office,  and  was  about  to 
give  my  money  for  the  two  tickets  Tlie  double  price  touched 
my  quality  of  caution.  I  purchased  one  ticket,  and  when 
Sally  asked  for  her  ticket  I  told  her  that  I  guessed  she  had 
better  pay  her  own  fare,  for  if  we  should  not  get  married  I 
could  afford  to  pay  for  but  one,  and  lay  out  the  money  for 
no  use  to  me.  She  looked  at  me  as  if  she  would  kill  me,  and, 
shaking  her  clenched  hand  at  me,  exclaimed  in  a  loud  voice, 
that  could  be  heard  by  everybody  about  the  station-house  : 
"  Jeff.  Batkins,  you  are  the  meanest  cuss  in  Cranberry  Centre." 
Well,  I  said  nothing;  but  I  thought  I  was.  We  did  not  go  to 
the  next  town  that  night;  she  walked  home  alone.  I  followed, 
after  getting  the  money  back  on  my  ticket.  Miss  Trivetts 
told  Aunt  Dolly  that  she  would  not  sleep  another  night  in 
the  homestead,  and,  without  giving  any  reason,  for  her  con 
duct,  received  her  wages,  due,  left  for  Boston  in  the  morning 
train,  and  from  that  day  to  this  I  have  never  put  the  sight  of 
my  eyes  on  Miss  Sarah  Trivetts.  Now,  there  are  riot  many 
men.  writing  their  lives,  that  would  tell  this  against  themselves, 
particularly  after  they  had  been  elevated  in  public  esteem,  and 
won  the  honors  as  I  have.  It  was  a  mean  proposition,  but 
just  think  of  it !  suppose  I  had  married  Sarah  Trivetts,  what 
a  change  in  the  history  of  my  life  ! 

Not  long  after  my  adventure  with  Miss  Trivetts,  one  night, 
rny  father  and  I  discussed  the  preliminaries  of  arrangement  to  be 
made,  after  I  had  arrived  at  that  age  in  a  man's  life,  when, 
thereafter,  he  has  the  right  to  trade  for  himself,  and  to  suelind 
be  sued,  and  enjoy  all  the  luxuries  of  independent  and  free  ex 
istence.  My  freedom  day  was  approaching.  "He  was  to  give  me 
a  new  and  complete  outfit,  the  expense  not  to  exceed  thirty  dol 
lars,  for  coat,  vest,  trousers,  and  hat ;  my  boots  were  good  enough, 
he  said,  and  there  was  no  need  of  extra  display,  in  that  direction, 
on  the  occasion.  There  were  to  be  no  festivities  at  the  home 
stead,  though  Aunt  Dolly,  good  soul,  put  in  her  word  in  my  be- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  45 

half,  without  effect,  however,  at  the  economical  resolution  of  my 
father.  "Put  it  off,"  said  he,  "until  thanksgiving-day,  and 
then,  if  you  choose  to  invite  your  friends  in  the  evening,  I  will 
pay  the  bill  for  refreshments.  I  agreed  to  this.  I  had  a  few  friends 
among  the  farmers7  sons,  but  no  one  that  I  looked  upon  as  in 
dispensable  to  my  existence,  I  was  singular  in  this  respect,  per 
haps  ;  but  so  it  was.  A  loud  knock  at  the  door  put  an  end  to  our 
deliberations.  Aunt  Dolly  had  attended  to  the  summons,  and 
admitted  Gideon  Bodge,  the  constable  of  Cranberry  Centre. 

Gideon  was  a  character  of  the  past ;  as  constable,  pound- 
keeper,  and  tax-gatherer,  hi's  time  was  pretty  well  occupied  in  the 
service  of  his  fellow-citizens.  He  led  the  choir  in  the  meeting 
house,  and  whatever  service  he  performed,  a  charge  was  made,  or 
the  money  collected  on  the  spot,  —  his  choice  always,  but  not 
always  adopted.  He  was  never  known  to  do  anything  gratuitous 
ly,  of  his  own  suggestion.  He  was  a  single  man,  and  though 
nobody  was  ever  heard  to  speak  well  of  him,  he  performed  his 
duties  faithfully ;  but  always  insisted  that  the  laborer  was 
worthy  of  his  hire,  and  that  the  surest  way  to  make  enemies 
was  to  have  too  many  friends.  "  No  friendship  in  trade,"  was 
his  answer,  if  any  person  proposed,  for  any  reason  of  relation 
ship,  neighborhood,  or  previous  official  perquisites,  that  he 
should  discount  on  fees,  or  other  pecuniary  operations. 

He  was  not  liberal,  even  in  the  use  of  words,  and  spoke  only 
just  so  many  as  would  convey  his  meaning,  and  sometimes  so 
scrimped  the  supply  as  to  render  almost  unintelligible  the  drift 
of  his  communications. 

But  whenever  his  lank  body,  covered  with  a  suit  of  gray 
satinet,  tightly  fitting  his  limbs,  and  his  advanced  head  partly 
hidden  by  a  wide-brimmed  brown  hat,  showed  itself,  you  might 
be  sure  he  meant  business ;  for  no  other  purpose  was  he  ever 
known  to  enter,  uninvited,  anybody's  premises.  As  a  rule, 
he  never  spoke  first,  but  waited  for  the  usual  salutation : 
' '  Well,  Gideon,  what  now  ? ' '  and  he  was  thus  addressed  by 


46  LIFE    OF 

my   father,    who   appeared   somewhat   astonished    at   his   en 
trance. 

Gideon  replied,  u  That  plague,  Martha,  has  come  again." 
My  father  uttered  an  oath  in  addition  to  an  expressive  wish 
that  Martha  was  dead.  Putting  on  his  hat,  he  walked  out 
with  Bodge,  saying,  "  I'll  see  what's  to  be  done  ;  "  leaving  Aunt 
Dolly  and  myself  together.  I  asked  who  this  Martha  was. 
Aunt  Dolly  informed  me.  I  will  inform  my  readers  here 
after  of  her  connection  with  some  incidents  of  my  life,  which 
at  this  time  were  among  the  hidden  things  of  a  great  future. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  47 


CHAPTER  VII. 

I   KEEP   A   STORE. 

THE  thanksgiving  day  referred  to  in  the  previous  chapter 
passed  away  much  after  the  style  of  other  thanksgiving  days. 
I  shall  not  give  an  account  of  our  doings  on  that  particular 
occasion,  as  everybody  in  New  England  knows  jvhat  a  thanksgiv 
ing  day  is.  To  be  sure,  it  is  a  different  thing  from  the  real 
old  roast-turkey,  plum-pudding,  pumpkin-pie,  getting-married, 
going-to-ball  thanksgiving  day,  of  the  old  times.  In  works 
of  fiction  that  I  have  read,  in  which  the  development  of 
the  character  of  the  descendants  of  the  Pilgrim  fathers  ap 
peared  to  be  the  principal  object,  thanksgiving  day  has  been 
glorified,  and  its  instinctive  suggestions  duly  recorded  and  ex 
patiated  upon.  I  am  not  writing  the  history  of  New  England, 
and  therefore  this  is  one  of  the  institutions  I  shall  only  re 
fer  to,* leaving  the  matter  to  such  books  as  have  been  written 
on  it,  or  leave  to  the  present  posterity  the  task  of  inquiring 
of  their  predecessors,  who  may  be  living,  as  to  what  constituted 
the  observance  of  thanksgiving,  in  accordance  with  the  procla 
mations  of  the  governors  of  those  days.  I  do  not  aim  to  in 
struct  my  readers  in  morals  or  religion ;  but  as  thanksgiving 
day  is  a  different  day  from  what  it  used  to  be,  so  have  some 
other  matters  undergone  the  change  consequent  upon,  or  pre 
vious  to,  all  great  improvements,  ever  since  the  flood,  because 
all  that  happened  before  was  destroyed,  except  the  animal  crea 
tion,  including,  I  suppose,  birds,  fishes,  .and  creeping  things  ; 
and  little  is  known  as  to  the  state  of  science  and  the  fine  arts 


48  LIFE   OF 

previous  to  that  watery  epoch.  I  perceive  how  rambling  are 
my  thoughts. 

At  the  time  of  which  I  am  writing,  my  notion  of  the 
flood  was  vague  and  unsatisfactory  ;  at  this  day  my  notions 
are  somewhat  changed,  and  I  cannot  help  thinking  that 
if  the  whole  world  was  then  destroyed,  it  would  be  difficult  now 
to  repeat  the  operation,  relying  on  the  principles  of  natural  phi 
losophy,  and  the  astounding  discoveries  and  inventions  of  the 
nineteenth  century.  It  is  an  inborn  quality  of  our  national 
character  to  go  ahead,  and  I  find  it  again,  difficult  to  restrain 
myself  to  Cranberry  Centre  and  the  era  of  which  I  write. 
Under  the  light  of  my  experience,  I  am  impelled  to  the  con 
sideration  of  th«  future  at  the  expense  of  the  past.  I  am 
aware,  that  at  this  time  it  is  improper  to  refer  to  the  telegraph 
and  ocean  cable,  except  as  to  their  being  in  the  brain  of  the  in 
ventor,  and  yet,  when  we  of  this  day  reflect  upon  the  flood,  and 
Noah's  arrangements  for  self-preservation,  we  cannot  keep  out 
of  sight  the  fact,  that  if  steam  and  the  ocean  cable  had  been 
among  the  resources  of  the  people  of  Asia,  a  trip  to  America, 
where  the  signs  of  a  deluge  are  not  so  manifest,  —  that  is,  on 
a  large  scale,  —  might  have  saved  a  great  many  more  than  were 
saved  in  Noah's  specimen  of  naval  architecture,  and  thus  inter 
fered  materially  with  the  claim  of  Columbus  and  the  Pilgrim 
fathers  in  the  discovery  and  settlement  of  America.  I  have  read 
this  over,  and  am  rather  astonished  at  the  vast  grasp  of  mind 
such  a" change  of  affairs  comprehends.  Such  is  the  expansion 
of  human  thought.  I  could  not  have  done  this  at  the  time  of 
which  I  write,  because  the  brain  I  had  then  is  not  the  brain 
I  have  now.  Doctor  Slawter  said  that  once  in  seven  years 
the  whole  body  underwent  such  a  change  that  there  was  not  a 
particle  left  of  the  matter  used,  in  running  the  human  machine, 
that  was  in  it  seven  years  before. 

The  railroad  passed  through  the  town,  which  was  considered 
of  sufficient  importance  to  be  made  a  watering  station.  Every 


JEFFERSON    S.    B ATKINS.  49 

train  would  bring  passengers,  who  remained  a  day  or  two ;  some 
of  these  became  permanent  residents.  The  town  was  to  be  im 
proved  generally.  My  father  had  joined  agricultural  societies, 
and  with  his  offices  began  to  live  in  a  gentlemanly  style.  Once 
the  governor  visited  our  house,  and  I  had  the  honor  of  black 
ing  a  real  governor's  boots,  who,  from  perambulating  the  suburbs 
of  Cranberry  Centre,  had  aggregated  so  much  of  its  free  soil 
on  his  boots  as  to  compromise  his  ideas  of  gentility.  I  brought 
the  boots  to  the  governor  myself;  he  thanked  me,  and  said  he 
would  not  insult  me  by  offering  me  a  pecuniary  reward.  I 
should  not  have  considered  it  an  insult,  though  I  was  the  only 
son  of  a  justice  of  the  peace  and  a  county  coroner.  There 
was  some  talk  of  making  Cranberry  Centre  a  city.  It  was  said 
Boston  influence  defeated  the  plans.  We  had  increased  largely 
the  numbers  of  inhabitants  ;  not  always  were  the  new-comers 
of  the  best  classes.  We  had  a  fire  now  and  then ;  occasionally 
an  outbreak  among  the  foreign  population  that  had  gathered 
about  a  region  of  Gypsy  Village,  known  as  Skunk's  Misery. 
The  vagrants  who  resided  in  the  village  proper  had  a  larger 
field  for  the  practice  of  their  operations ;  they  had  ascended 
from  the  lesser  crimes  of  robbing  hen-roosts  and  clothes-lines 
to  the  cultivation  of  a  higher  style  of  depredation.  Larceny 
from  the  stores  was  increasing,  and  sometimes  a  burglary  was 
attempted,  riot  always  with  success.  There  was  also  an  estab 
lishment  near  by,  —  what  is  now  known  as  a  "  social  evil."  At 
the  time  of  which  I  write,  the  particular  institution  referred 
to  had  not  so  pronounceable  a  name. 

All  these  innovations  gave  extra  duties  to  Gideon  Bodge. 
This  in  no  way  disturbed  him,  as  "all  was  grist  to  his  mill." 
I  do  not  think  I  had  kept  pace  with  the  improvements  conse 
quent  upon  the  railroad  passing  through  the  town.  Early  in 
life  I  had  an  idea  that  I  should  like  to  be  rich ;  but  my  weak 
point  was  a  fear  to  let  go  what  I  had  for  the  chance  to  get 
more.  I  tried  my  hand  at  a  little  barter  trade,  and  did  pretty 


50  LIFE    OF 

well  sometimes.     At  turkey-shootings.  I  used  to  take  a  chance 
now  and  then ;  but  if  the  best  shots  in  three   took  the  turkey, 

I  would  sell  my  chance  as  often  as  take  my  last  fire.     When  I 
once  got  money  into  my  possession,  I  did  hate  to  part  with  it, 
and  that  is  the  truth.  The  old  proverb,  "  A  bird  in  the  hand  is 
worth  two  in  the  bush,"  saved  me  from  land  speculations,  insur 
ance  companies,  bank  investments,  and  matrimonial  enterprises. 

Some  time  after  I  was  of  age,  Deacon  Smoothe  died.  His 
store  and  stock  was  for  sale,  and  my  father,  assisted  by 
"  Mrs.  Simms'  man,';  purchased  it,  and  put  me  in  it  on  wages 
and  a  third  share  of  the  profit.  A  sign  was  put  up  over  the  door. 
Ah  !  I  see  it  now :  "  J.  S.  BATKINS  AND  COMPANY,  successors 
to  Deacon  Simeon  Smoothe.  Dry  Goods,  W.  I.  Goods,  Groceries, 
Medicines,  Fancy  Goods.  Produce  bought  and  sold."  I  thought 
the  store  was  larger  than  necessary,  and  rented  a  part  to  a 
tailor.  His  sign  was  added  to  the  building:  "Tailoring  done 
here."  The  room  over  the  store  was  let  to  a  teacher  of  a 
singing-school,  and  the  building  had  more  of  the  appearance 
of  business  than  in  the  days  of  Deacon  Smoothe.  I  used  to 
go  over  to  the  other  side  of  the  road  and  contemplate  the 
change.  "  J.  S.  Batkins,"  — that  was  me,  and  no  mistake  ;  the 

II  Company  "  was  Jethro  Batkins  and  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man."  The 
tailor   had  no  name  up,  nor  the  music-master,  and  I  received 
the  credit  of,  as  they  would  say  now,  running  the  whole  ma 
chine.     How  often  we  get  credit  for  more   than  belongs  to  us  ! 

Things  appeared  on  the  start  to  be  kind  of  curious.  I  was 
paying  wages  to  myself  and  had  partners  on  my  sign.  I  will 
not  anticipate  here  the  state  of  things  that  came  out  of  my  first 
attempt  at  commercial  endeavors.  The  clerk  that  had  been 
with  the  deacon  for  some  time  was  retained,  as  he  knew 
the  most  of  the  customers,  and  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man  "  said  it 
would  be  judicious  to  employ  him,  as  he  had  some  capital,  and 
might  set  up  an  opposition  store  and  divide  the  trade,  if  not 
rob  my  establishment  of  its  traffic  altogether.  I  had  no  experi- 


JEFFERSON  S.   R  ATKINS.  51 

ence  in  shop-keeping.  I  used  to  go  to  the  store  for  tRings,  and 
in  that  way  knew  the  method  of  purchasing  at. retail.  Selling, 
I  supposed  to  be  something  easily  learned.  The  purchasing  of 
stock  was  for  the  time  left  with  the  clerk,  who  made  frequent 
visits  to  the  city  for  this  purpose,  during  which  time  I  was  in 
full  possession  of  our  selling  department. 

I  was  in  business  in  a  store,  where,  after  many  years  of  strict 
attention  to  business,  the  deacon  had  secured  a  competence  for  his 
family.  My  father  and  u  Mrs.  Simrns'  man  "  had  furnished  the 
capital,  arid  therefore  I  was  justified  in  following  their  advice 
as  to  the  administration  of  affairs.  I  said  the  clerk  remained 
upon  a  small  salary,  and  a  percentage  of  profits,  from  the  silent 
partners'  share,  always  taken  in  advance.  I  began  to  think  that 
his  share  was  larger  than  mine.  Whenever  we  took  an  account 
of  stock,  the  nominal  profits  were  considerable;  but  I  could 
never  realize  more  than  my  salary.  I  had  often  heard  that 
"figures  will  not  lie."  I  think  that  may  be  true,  as  to  the 
figures ;  but  they  do  bring  out  different  results,  according  to 
the  use  made  of  them.  Book-keeping  was  not  among  my  ac 
complishments. 

One  of  my  weak  points,  at  this  time,  was  a  readiness  to  believe 
almost  anything  anybody  told  me  who  appeared  to  be  friendly. 
I  began  with  the  idea  that  the  great  mass  of  people  were 
honest.  This  notion  is  a  little  brewed  out  of  my  perceptive 
faculties  ;  still,  at  times  it  has  had  a  powerful  influence  on  my 
actions.  My  adventure  with  Miss  Trivetts  had  led  me  to  a  gen 
eral  distrust  of  ivomen,  — particularly  if  they  spoke  to  me  in 
that  soft  way  so  natural  to  their  sex,  and  so  fascinating  to  ours. 
I  don't  know  what  to  liken  it  to,  unless  it  be  the  power  the  cat 
has  over  the  canary  bird,  and  given  to  them  for  the  same  pur 
pose,  —  to  charm  the  victim  and  then  destroy  him.  My  opinion 
then  was,  that,  if  a  woman  wanted  to  marry  a  man,  there  was 
no  reason  why  she  should  not  begin  the  courting.  If  the  story 
of  Eve  is  a  true  one,  she  must  have  proposed  to  Adam.  At 


52  LIFE    OF 

the  time  I  am  writing,  public  opinion  sustains  this  view,  although 
it  is  not  my  intention  to  enlarge  on  the  question  of  woman's 
rights,  in  this  chapter.  I  had  been  in  the  store  more  than 
two  years,  when  I  considered  it  right  to  inquire  into  the  affairs 
of  the  firm.  Our  business  had  been  good  apparently  ;  that  is, 
we  sold  a  large  amount  of  goods ;  but  according  to  the  books 
kept  by  Mr.  Bean,  my  clerk,  we  owed  about  as  much  money 
'as  the  stock  was  worth.  On  the  other  side,  money  was  due  to  us. 
But  one  thing  that  surprised  me  more  than  anything  else  was 
the  large  amount  of  counterfeit  bills  that  was  always  returned 
to  us.  after  Mr.  Bean  had  been  to  Boston  to  purchase  supplies. 
I  was  no  great  judge  of  paper  money,  but  Mr.  Bean  pretended 
to  be,  and  yet  we  were  every  day  receiving  more  or  less  of 
the  spurious  kind.  I  was  careful,  in  taking  my  wages,  to  secure 
gold  or  silver  money,  which  I  put  in  a  savings-bank  of  my 
own.  I  made  my  mind  up  that  I  would  not  lay  away  paper 
money,  if  I  took  my  share  in  copper  coin.  I  always  did  have 
a  dislike  to  bank  bills,  though  sometimes  I  did  get  a  counterfeit 
half  dollar  or  so  for  real  silver. 

I  am  determined,  at  this  time,  to  let  the  matter  of  counterfeit 
bills  remain,  until  the  sequel  of  shop-keeping  affairs  comes  up 
in  due  form. 

Our  partnership  lasted  between  four  and  five  years.  During 
that  time  there  were,  of  course,  many  changes,  both  in  the  town 
and  in  my  acquaintances ;  but  I  shall  only  notice  those  that 
have  a  bearing  on  my  own  life.  I  was  never  above  my  busi 
ness  In  the  store  I  always  put  on  a  green  apron  and  jacket, 
over  the  arms  of  which  I  had  linen  sleeves,  which  were  washed 
once  a  week  or  so,  and  relieved  of  the  different  mixtures  of 
molasses,  butter,  and  other  matters  which  would  collect  during 
a  week's  work.  Mr.  Bean,  when  he  was  in  the  store,  attended 
mostly  to  the  dry  goods  department,  and  principally  to  the 
ladies,  \\lio  called  for  silks  and  dimity,  — an  article  much  used 
in  those  days, — '•  and  for  this  purpose  he  was  well  adapted.  It  used 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  53 

to  be  a  saying  then,  if  a  fellow  was  suitoring  to  the  girls,  he 
was  after  the  dimity,  —  a  saying  I  dare  say  well  remembered 
by  men  of  my  age,  whether  they  practised  in  the  fashion  or 
not.  I  attended  to  the  women-folks,  when  they  came  after 
groceries ;  but,  if  you  have  the  intention,  you  can  frame  your 
conversation  in  the  same  style  with  those  who  came  for  soap, 
clothes-lines,  butter,  cheese,  rat-traps,  cider,  or  rum,  as  with 
those  who  came  for  things  to  make  into  wedding-gowns,  baby 
caps,  and  such-like  furniture.  Although  I  was  the  owner  of 
the  store,  I  did  the  hardest  work.  Mr.  Bean  looked  after  the 
lighter  trade,  and  kept  the  books.  I  had  not  much  time  to 
improve  my  mind  by  reading.  It  used  to  frighten  me  some 
times  to  hear  Mr,  Bean  talk  of  poets,  and  poetry,  and  novels. 
I  heard  him  once  speaking  a  piece,  as  I  came  into  the  store,  to 
some  ladies.  When  they  were  gone  I  asked  him  what  it  was. 
He  said  it  was  from  Byron,  —  Lord  Byron,  I  think  he  called 
him ;  a  person  I  had  never  heard  of  then ;  but  a  little  later  I 
inquired  of  the  minister.  He  said  he  was  a  dissolute  man,  and 
no  youth  should  ever  read  his  works.  That  gave  a  momenta 
ry  start  to  my  human  nature ;  but  when  I  inquired  the  price 
of  the  book  I  concluded  I  would  follow  the  minister's  advice ; 
so  I  went  back  to  Robinson  Crusoe,  and  forgot  Byron  and  his 
works.  Since  then  I  have  heard  a  good  deal  of  him ;  but  now  I 
am  too  old  to  begin  to  read  the  book.  I  do  not  think  a  country 
store  is  the  best  place  to  develop  genius,  or  to  prepare  one  to 
be  a  governor,  or  a  president  of  a  college,  or  for  any  such  emi 
nent  position.  Still,  there  is  opportunity  to  do  some  thinking, 
and  to  see  something  of  people's  dispositions.  I  used  to  be 
deceived  sometimes ;  but  one  thing  I  can  say,  if  I  was  cheated 
once  by  any  person  it  could  not  be  repeated  in  the  same  way. 
The  ingenuity  of  some  people  is  astonishing.  In  order  to 
put  a  stop  to  so  much  trusting  I  put  up  a  sign,  "  No  Trust." 
^This  Mr.  Bean  removed,  and  substituted,  "  Six  per  Cent,  dis 
count  for  Cash."  Nobody  took  any  notice  of  that.  I  then  pro- 


54  LIFE    OF 

posed  to  put  up,  "  No  credit  given  here."  Mr.  Bean  remon 
strated,  said  we  should  drive  all  our  custom  to  the  opposition 
store.  After  a  while,  I  found,  in  an  old  almanac,  a  piece  of 
poetry,  and  hired  a  painter  who  owed  us,  and  would  never  pay, 
to  paint  it  out  on  a  board  as  follows :  — 

"  Since  man  to  man  is  so  unjust, 

I  cannot  tell  what  man  to  trust; 
I  have  trusted  many  to  my  sorrow; 
So  pay  to-day,  I'll  trust  to-morrow." 

This  I  put  up  in  a  conspicuous  place  in  the  store.  Folks 
would  read  it ;  but  I  did  not  see  that  it  had  much  effect  upon 
them  to  my  benefit.  Mr.  Bean  said  it  was  an  insult  to  our 
customers,  and  removed  that  also.  Some  of  the  women  had 
the  most  insinuating  ways,  and  invited  me  to  call  and  see  them. 
This  I  was  afraid  to  do,  for  I  remarked  this  :  if  you  get  on 
intimate  terms  with  your  customers,  you  can't  so  well  ask  them 
for  their  bills ;  and  no  friendship  in  trade.  —  Gideon  Bodge's 
motto,  —  after  all,  had  something  in  it.  He  was  a  constable,  to 
be  sure,  and  to  be  obliged  to  carry  your  friends  to  jail  does 
seem  to  be  not  over-pleasant,  I  confess. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  55 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

• 
THE  SEA-CAPTAIN'S  WIFE. 

THERE  was  a  gay  woman,  whose  husband  was  said  to  be 
gone  to  sea,  who  had  some  relatives  in  Cranberry  Centre, 
and  she  came  up  to  stay  until  he  came  back.  She  was 
always  talking  about  when  her  ship  came  home  she  would 
pay  her  bill.  In  looking  over  her  account,  on  my  side 
of  the  store,  I  found  she  had  a  great  many  almonds,  raisins, 
wine,  and  West  India  goods,  such  as,  in  those  days,  were  kept 
in  grocery  stores.  She  was  a  smart-looking  woman.  She  came 
in  one  day,  dressed  in  a  yellow  nankin,  tight-fitting  garment, 
trimmed  with  white  cord,  and  little  lumps  of  something  looking 
like  thimbleberries,  if  thimbleberries  were  white ;  on  her  head 
a  broad-brimmed  straw  hat  she  wore,  which  she  called  a  gypsy, 
with  red  ribbons  and  roses  all  over  it.  "  Mr.  Batkins,"  said 
she,  "  I  have  news  from  my  ship.  I  have  just  come  from  Bos 
ton,  and  my  uncle  has  made  me  a  present  of  this  new  suit.  How 
much  do  you  think  my  hat  cost  ?  "  I  told  her  about  half  a  dollar. 
"  Ten  dollars,"  said  she  ;  "  is  it  not  a  beauty  ?  "  This  set  me 
back  on  the  thought  that  was  getting  possession  of  me,  in  case 
she  should  be  a  widow.  I  was  dumb ;  but  I  was  soon  electri 
fied  by  her  saying,  ' '  Mr.  Batkins,  I  want  you  to  send  to  me,  this 
afternoon,  a  few  things,"  — she  handed  me  a  long  list  of  arti 
cles,  —  "  and  bring  your  bill  with  you  this  evening,  and  I  will 
settle  all  together.  My  uncle  is  going  to  send  me  some  money 
from  my  husband,  by  the  last  train."  Away  she  flew  out  of  the 
store.  I  busied  myself  in  putting  up  the  articles,  and  when  Mr. 
Bean  came  in,  I  requested  him  to  make  out  the  bill,  which  he 


56  LIFE    OF 

did,  adding  to  the  account  the  yellow  nankin,  and  the  daisy  trim 
ming,  which  she  had  from  my  own  stock.  I  said  nothing,  but 
after  walking  two  or  three  times  across  the  store,  suppressing  some 
very  wicked  words  which  were  trying  to  get  out  of  my  mouth,  I 
resolved  I  would  go  with  the  bill,  and  tell  her  in  plain  words 
what  I  thought  of  her  and  her  uncle's  dress.  I  had  a  mind  to 
take  Gideon  Bodge  with  me ;  but  concluded,  on  the  whole,  to 
go  alone,  and  act  as  if  nothing  had  happened,  until  I  saw  her 
and  ascertained  if  she  had  received  the  money  by  the  last  train. 

I  went  home,  dressed  myself  in  my  best  sui't,  having  told  Mr. 
Bean  I  should  not  return  after  supper,  and  started  on  my  errand. 

If  I  thought  it  would  throw  any  light  upon  the  subject,  I 
would  describe  the  house  where  this  widow  lived.  I  do  not 
give  her  name,  because  she  has  relations  living,  and  some  of 
them  are  voters ;  enough  to  say,  when  I  came  to  the  gate,  and 
saw  the  best  room  lit  up,  I  hesitated,  and  half  made  up  my  mind 
to  go  back,  and  send  Mr.  Bean  with  the  bill.  I  saw  a  shadow 
move  on  the  curtain,  and  shortly  the  front  door  opened.  "  The 
sea-captain's  wife  had  seen  me,  and  hastened  to  invite  me  in. 
"  Walk  in,  Mr.  Batkins,"  said  she  in  a  loud  voice.  I  looked 
round  to  see  if  anybody  that  I  knew  was  in  the  road.  That  was 
one  of  the  times  in  my  life  when  I  would  have  agreed  to  give 
a  dollar,  if  I  could  be  at  home  with  Aunt  Dolly,  or  in  the  store 
measuring  out  meal,  or  even  cleaning  the  oil-can,  which  fell  to 
my  share  of  duty,  instead  of  my  clerk's.  I  don't  know  what  I 
said,  or  how  I  really  got  in.  She  took  my  hat,  and  asked  me  to  sit 
down.  I  did  so.  "  Has  the  last  train  come  in  ?  "  said  she.  I  told 
her  that  it  had.  The  thought  came  over  me,  if  she  don't  know  the 
train  is  in,  she  has  not  received  the  money.  "  Well,  Mr.  Bat- 
kins,  then  I  shall  have  to  ask  you  to  wait  a  little  while.  You 
brought  the  bill?"  —  "Yes,  ma'am."  I  handed  it  to  her. 

II  Dear  me,  is  it  so  much  ?  "  —  "  Well,  I  had  no  idea  I  was  so 
extravagant.    I  don't  know  what  my  husband  will  say,  when  he 
comes  home,  do  you  ?  " 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  57 

I  did  not,  and  so  I  remarked ;  but  I  thought  I  knew  pretty  well 
what  I  should  say,  if  I  had  been  her  husband.  A  knock  at 
the  door  was  heard  :  in  those  days  bells  on  front  doors  were  not  so 
much  the  fashion.  "  Ah,"  said  she,  in  the  most  honest  way  in 
the  world,  "  perhaps  that  is  the  money.  Will  you  walk  into  this 
room,  Mr.  Batkins,  until  I  settle  with  the  messenger,  as  per 
haps  you  would  not  care  to  be  seen,  at  this  time  of  the  night,  col 
lecting  a  bill."  —  "  Certainly,"  I  said.  She  rather  hurriedly 
put  me  in  the  direction  of  the  door.  I  entered  the  room ;  she 
closed  the  door  after  me.  What  occurred  in  the  best  room,  for 
some  time  I  never  had  any  knowledge.  When  I  had  recovered 
myself  from  the  confusion  I  was  in,  I  discovered  I  was  in  a 
bedchamber,  probably  hers.  At  first  I  saw  nothing  which  could 
in  any  way  distinguish  it  to  be  a  lady's  chamber.  There 
were  lots  of  sweet  smells,  that  made  it  suspicious.  I  could 
hear  voices,  but  could  not  make  out  words.  There  was  a  large 
mirror  upon  a  table,  in  which  was  reflected  as  much  of  my 
person  as  the  glass  was  capable  of  holding.  I  looked  as  if  I 
felt  uneasy,  and  I  was.  It  just  occurred  to  me  that  I  had  left 
my  hat  on  the  floor  near  the  chair,  where  I  sat  down.  If  there 
had  been  a  door  leading  from  this  room  to  the  road,  I  should 
have  run  home  without  my  hat.  I  might  jump  from  the  win 
dow.  While  I  was  debating  what  to  do,  the  voices  became 
louder.  One,  a  man's,  was  loudest :  "I  will  know  who  he 
is."  The  door  was  suddenly  opened,  and  before  me  stood 
Aristarchus  Bean,  my  clerk,  who  exclaimed,  "  Batkins,  you  are 
a  villain!  "  All  the  rest  was  confusion.  I  think  we  had  a  sort 
of  struggle.  I  was  unconscious  of  what  followed,  and  the  next 
morning  I  found  myself  in  bed,  with  a  contused  face,  and  was 
informed  the  doctor  had  ordered  leeches,  and  expressed  an 
opinion  that  I  was  injured  dangerously.  My  father  was  much 
alarmed ;  but  when  I  asked  him  what  had  occurred,  he  said  that 
Bean  said  I  had  been  thrown  from  a  wagon,  and  so  it  passed. 
The  same  story  had  been  told  to  the  doctor,  who,  in  due  course 


58  LIFE    OF 

of  time,  came  to  make  his  second  visit.  I  was  not  long  in  recov 
ering  from  the  effects  of  my  visit  to  the  widow  of  the  sea-cap 
tain,  whose  ship,  so  far  as  I  know,  has  not  returned  to  this  day. 
The  secret  was  between  the  three,  —  myself,  my  clerk,  and  the 
lady  of  the  nankin  dress.  This  was  another  turning-point  in 
my  career ;  hereafter  it  will  appear  in  its  proper  connection 
when  the  mystery  of  the  sea-captain's  wife  will  be  explained. 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  59 


CHAPTER    IX. 

AN   ACCIDENT. 

THE  store  was  kept  open,  during  my  temporary  illness,  under 
the  sole  care  of  Mr.  Bean,  who  had  employed  a  boy  from  the 
opposition  store  to  assist  him  in  the  work  which  had  been  usu 
ally  attended  to  by  me,  senior  "partner  of  the  firm  of  Batkins 
&  Co.  As  a  proof  to  the  correctness  of  circumstances  as 
given  by  the  newspapers,  I  here  copy  a  statement  of  my 
"  accident,"  as  it  was  published  in  the  "  County  Gazette  "  :  — 

"  We  are  under  the  necessity  of  informing  our  readers  of  a 
painful  accident,  which  occurred  last  evening,  to  our  friend  J.. 
S.  Batkins,  merchant  of  Cranberry  Centre.  He  was  thrown 
from  a,wagon,  in  consequence  of  the  fright  of  a  spirited  mare, 
driven  by  Mr.  Batkins'  well-known  partner,  Mr.  Aristarchus 
Bean.  We  are  uninformed  as  to  the  business  upon  which  these 
two  gentlemen  were  engaged  on  the  evening  of  the  accident, 
but  believe  they  had  been  attending  a  meeting  of  some  of  the 
most  influential  citizens  of  Cranberry  Centre,  in  order  to  ac 
complish  the  establishment  of  a  bank  in  that  enterprising  town. 
The  scene  of  the  accident  was  near  the  house  of  the  wife 
of  a  celebrated  ship-master,  now  absent  in  China.  Mr.  Bat- 
kins  was  taken  into  her  house,  where  every  attention  was  shown 
to  the  unfortunate  sufferer,  until  the  arrival  of  Dr.  Slawter, 
who  was  called.  He  directed  his  removal  to  the  homestead, 
where  he  now  lies  in  a  critical  condition.  We  are  happy  to 
hear  that  Mr.  Bean  escaped  with  no  serious  injury,  a  few 
scratches  only  remaining  in  consequence  of  the  disaster.  The 
horse  and  wagon  have  not  been  heard  from  since.  A  liberal 
reward  will  be  paid  for  information  respecting  either,  by  Mr. 


60  LIFE    OF 

» 

Batkins,  senior,  or  Mr.  Bean,  to  be  left  at  the  store  of  J.  S. 
Batkins  &  Co." 

This  account  appeared  to  me  to  be  reasonable,  all  but  the 
bank,  as  I  had  had  no  talk  with  anybody  about  a  bank. 
Everybody  knew,  that  knew  me,  or  of  my  opinion  in  the  matter, 
that  I  was  opposed  to  all  banks,  and  hated  paper  money,  as  it 
is  said  the  Prince  of  Darkness  hates  holy  water.  I  did  not 
deny  the  statement  however,  and  when  asked  for  any  particulars 
I  of  course  could  give  no  account  of  anything.  But,  although 
I  told  no  lie,'  my  conscience  whispered  that  I  was  a  party  to  the 
fraud  ;  however,  as  it  was  published  by  that  respectable  author 
ity,  the  "  County  Gazette,"  no  one  doubted  its  truth,  and  by 
the  time  my  face  had  recovered  from  the  pommelling,  received  in 
a  manner  I  really  was  unconscious  of,  the  accident  was  an  old 
affair,  and  other  matters  crowded  it  out  of  the  topics  of  daily 
conversation.  The  questions  asked  me  by  some  people,  in  the 
light  of  the  truth,  were  amusing.  One  man  asked  me  what  the 
color  of  my  horse  was  ;  the  idea  of  the  thing  set  me  a-laugh- 
ing,  so  that  I  should  not  have  wondered  if  the  man  had  thought 
I  had  lost  my  reason. 

I  was  called  upon  by  the  minister  and  other  distinguished 
people,  during  my  illness  ;  but  as  the  doctor  had  positively 
forbidden  anybody  seeing  me,  I  was  spared  the  mortification 
of  repeating  the  particulars  of  an  affair  that  in  reality  I  knew 
little  about.  The  women  circulated  a  report,  that,  in  conse 
quence  of  the  attentions  shown  to  me  by  the  wife  of  the  sea- 
captain,  my  gratitude  had  taken  the  shape  of  a  more  ardent 
and  sometimes  more  expensive  sentiment,  and  had  hinted  that 
if  her  husband  should  be  lost  at  sea,  I  was  ready  to  make 
good  the  loss  to  her  domestic  tranquillity. 

My  reader,  who  has  been  made  acquainted  with  the  action 
prior  to  my  illness,  will  at  once  perceive  it  was  a  fabrication, 
though  he  is  in  possession  of  knowledge  beyond  that  of  the 
gossips  of  Cranberry  Centre,  who  never  until  the  day  when 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  61 

this  book  is  printed,  will  be  informed  of  the  true  state  of  the 
case.  I  think  it  proper  to  add  there  was  but  one  individual 
who  suggested  that  we  had  attended  a  dinner  that  afternoon  at 
the  County  Agricultural  Society,  and  perhaps  we  had  been 
overcome  by  the  wine  used  on  the  occasion  to  drink  the 
health  of  the  gentlemen  farmers,  as  the  members  of  this 
society  were  called  in  derision  by  some  of  the  old-fashioned 
soil-workers.  As  this  scandalous  report  was  circulated  by  a 
notorious  tippler,  whom  my  father,  in  his  capacity  of  justice 
of  the  peace  had  once  committed  to  the  workhouse,  and  as 
my  reputation  as  an  abstemious  man  was  unassailable,  no 
damage  was  done  to  me  by  the  insinuation. 

My  first  interview  with  Mr.  Bean,  after  my  recovery,  was 
an  interesting  one.  He  received  me  at  the  store  in  an  un 
usually  bland  manner.  He  always  appeared  to  defer  to  my 
opinions,  and  yet  invariably  had  his  own  way.  My  idea  was, 
after  the  usual  salutations,  to  proceed  at  once  to  business,  to 
demand  an  account  of  business  matters,  and  discharge  him  on 
the  spot  from  my  employ.  My  resolution  in  this  was  a  good 
deal  stiffened  by  advice  given  to  me  by  Aunt  Dolly  during  my 
illness,  when  she  faithfully  watched  over  me,  giving  to  me  my 
prescribed  gruel,  applying  oysters  to  my  discolored  eyelids, 
and  performing  such  other  functions  as  nurses  in  the  line  of 
duty  are  expected  to  perform. 

"Good-morning,  Mr.  Batkins,"  said  Mr.  Bean.  "  I  hope 
you  have  entirely  recovered." 

"  I  am  better,"  was  the  curt  reply  I  made,  with  an  expres 
sion  which,  if  he  had  been  a  good  physiognomist,  would  have 
caused  in  him  some  apprehension  as  to  the  nature  of  my  next 
question  to  him.  I  cannot  say  what  he  thought,  but  his  next 
movement  with  his  tongue  was  suggestive  of  the  greatest 
amount  of  assurance  and  self-possession  before  or  since  seen 
by  me.  "Mr.  Batkins,"  said  he.  "was  it  the  wheel  of  the 
wagon  that  struck  your  nose,  or  a  stone  in  the  road  ?  " 


62  LIFE    OF 

I  looked  at  him  with  amazement.      u  Mr.   Bean,"  said  I, 
* { what   do   you    mean  ?     Was    I   riding    with    you   on    that 
evening?"     Our  conversation,  continued:    "Mr.   Batkins,  I 
only  ask   you   what   somebody   asked   me."     I   replied,    "  I 
thought  it  was  a  stone  in  the  road."  —  "  What  did  Dr.  Slawter 
think  about  it?"     I  was  taken  off  my  guard  and  gave  Dr. 
Slawter's  views.     "  He  said  evidently  the  contusion  was  made 
with  some  blunt  body." 

II  Yes,  Mr.  Batkins."     He  clenched  his  hand  into  a  pretty 
firm  bunch  of  bones  and  sinews,  holding  it  up  close  to  my  eye, 
and  twisting  it  about  with  most  irritating  flexibility.      "  Don't 
that  look  to  you  something  like  the  blunt  body  that  came  into 
collision  with  your  nose  ?  " 

"  That  was  the  idea  I  had  of  it,  until  I  read  the  account 
in  the  newspaper.  As  I  did  not  know  how  I  got  home,  I  was 
willing  to  think  I  might  have  been  thrown  from  a  wagon 
after  my  meeting  you  at  the  house  of  the  sea-captain's  wife  ; 
however,"  said  I,  "  Mr.  Bean,  we  must  close  accounts.  Give 
me  a  statement  of  affairs  in  the  store,  and  then  I  shall  dis 
pense  with  your  services  after  next  Saturday  night." 

"  Dispense  with  my  services?  You  can't  do  without  me, 
Mr.  Batkins;  you  would  fail  in  a  month.  I  could  ruin  you 
if  I  would ;  but  I  have  none-  but  the  most  friendly  feelings 
towards  you.  I  have  nothing  to  say  about  your  private  affairs. 
I  don't  care  how  many  people  you  supply  with  groceries  at 
your  own  expense  ;  I  don't  care  how  much  counterfeit  money 
you  take  ;  but  you  must  allow  me  my  share  of  the  perquisites 
of  my  position.  Do  you  suppose,  for  the  paltry  salary  I 
receive  from  you,  I  would  bury  myself  up  here  in  this  miser 
able  one-horse  town  ?  No,  sir  !  My  relations  with  the  sea- 
captain's  wife  were  of  the  most  friendly  character.  Under 
the  pretence  of  collecting  a  bill,  you  visit  that  lady ;  taking 
advantage  of  your  situation  as  the  head  of  the  firmv  you  made 
infamous  proposals  to  her.  I  found  your  hat  on  a  table  in  her 
parlor,  and  you  —  where  did  I  find  you  ?  —  in  a  place  I  had 


JEFFERSON   S.    £  ATKINS.  63 

never  been  permitted  to  enter,  —  her  bedchamber.     Now  you 
will  discharge  me,  will  you?  " 

I  said  "Yes;"    but  within  me  that   shaky  monitor,  my 
conscience,  said  "No." 

"I  confess,"  he  continued,  "in  the  first  rage  of  my 
jealousy,  I  endeavored  to  discover  the  owner  of  the  hat,  and 
when  I  dragged  the  villain  into  the  light,  Mr.  J.  S.  Bat- 
kins,  it  proved  to  be  you.  In  your  struggles,  one  way  to 
escape,  and  mine  in  another  to  prevent  it,  we  fell.  As 
you  practised  a  mode  of  fighting  I  was  totally  unacquainted 
with,  such  as  biting  and  scratching,  seizing  me  by  the 
hair,  which  you  perceive  is  of  the  flowing  order  of  the  Adonis, 
you  had  an  advantage  of  me  ;  yours,  being  cut  close,  after  the 
style  of  Brutus,  there  was  then  no  other  way  for  me  to  act 
than  to  attack  the  common  sense,  supposed  to  be  resident  in 
your  cranium,  by  a  blow  calculated  to  hit  you  somewhere 
between  the  eyes  and  nose.  It  succeeded.  I  was  at  liberty 
and  you  were  bleeding  on  the  floor,  commiserated  and  assisted 
by  the  woman  who  was  the  cause,  innocent,  I  believe,  of  all 
the  mischief." 

Aunt  Dolly's  advice  "came  to  me  again,  and  as  it  is  some 
times  well  to  "assume  a  virtue  if  you  have  it  not,"  so  is  it 
well  sometimes  to  assume  a  courage  if  you  have  it  not ;  rather 
safer  the  virtue  than  the  courage,  as  the  assumption  of  courage 
may  lead  to  a  fight,  if  the  other  party  happens  to  have  the 
true  quality.  I  managed,  however,  to  say  to  him,  "Mr.  Bean, 
after  what  has  happened  it  cannot  be  to  our  mutual  comfort  to 
be  together  in  one  store." 

"  I  don't  know  how  you  feel,  Mr.  Batkins,  but  it  will  make 
no  difference  to  my  comfort.  On  the  whole,  I  expect  to  profit 
by  it ;  else  do  you  suppose  I  should  have  furnished  the  cir 
cumstantial  account  of  the  accident  for  the  newspaper?  r' 

"  Did  you  do  that,  Mr.  Bean?  " 

"I   did.   Mr.    Batkins,  for   the   benefit   of  us  all, — the 


64  LIFE    OF 

captain's  wife,  my  esteemed  employer,  and  myself.  Thus  out 
of  evil,  the  great  mind  may  work  events  for  good.  I  covered 
the  whole  thing,  and  advertised  our  store  into  the  bargain." 

The  customers  began  to  come  in.  the  press  of  business  com 
pelled  us  to  attend  to  the  calls  in  our  department.  Mr.  Bean 
was  engaged  in  measuring  tape  and  calico,  while  I,  as  usual, 
was  diving  into  the  sugar-barrels,  and  filling  the  measures 
from  the  contents  of  cider  barrels  and  brandy  casks.  That 
Bean  was  a  good  salesman  there  was  no  doubt.  He  had  just 
that  flattering,  insinuating  cast  of  the  eye  and  pucker  of  the 
lip,  that  when  he  projected  soft  words  at  your  objections  to 
price  or  quality  of  goods,  it  hit  your  opinion,  and  rather  than 
be  offended  at  the  fate  of  your  conquered  prejudices  you  felt 
obliged  to  him  for  convincing  you  of  your  mistake ;  and  then 
the  manner  of  his  passing  his  long  fingers  through  his  Hy 
perion  locks  beat  all  the  barbers  I  ever  saw  at  their  work. 
Nevertheless  I  pondered  over  his  ability  to  injure  my 
character  among  my  fellow-citizens  if  he  let  that  "  cat  out  of 
the  bag"  into  which  he  had  put  her;  the  more  I  thought 
of  it,  the  more  nervous  it  made  me.  As  to  the  captain's  wife, 
I  should  not  dare  to  look  into  her  face  again ;  and  what  would 
Dr.  Slawter  say  ?  My  father,  whenever  I  said  anything 
about  the  store  affairs,  would  only  repeat,  "  Jefferson,  you  are 
unreasonable ;  you  get  your  wages,  and  you  are  learning  the 
business.  You  must  not  expect  to  have  everything  go  smooth. 
Life  has  its  ups  and  downs.  I  have  had  mine." 

Since  the  days  of  gingerbread  and  peppermints,  and  other 
occasional  instalments  of  old-fashioned  confectionery,  I  had 
not  had  what  I  call  any  of  the  ups  of  life ;  and  so,  in  my  reply 
to  my  father,  I  summed  up  all  my  bits  of  hard  luck,  even  to 
the  last  accident,  which,  not  to  make  an  anachronism,  I  named 
the  "  upset,"  which  had  compelled  me  to  take  a  new  interest 
in  the  conduct  of  Mr.  Bean,  and  rendered  necessary  the  ser- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  65 

vices  of  Dr«  Slawter,  for  the  first  time  since  the  days  of  mumps 
and  measles.  I  think  I  did  not  lose  anything  by  my  sickness, 
in  an  intellectual  point  of  view,  for  the  doctor  instructed  me 
considerably  in  the  anatomy  of  my  frame,  as  he  was  explaining 
to  me  the  phenomena  of  a  pair  of  black  eyes,  and  the  probable 
effect  of  oysters  in  reducing  the  inflammation.  The  oysters  were 
expensive,  as  they  came  from  Boston ;  it  did  seem  a  pity,  if  any 
body  was  fond  of  shell-fish,  to  throw  them  away  after  they  had 
performed  their  mission  upon  my  dilapidated  organs  of  vision ; 
and  that  reminds  me  of  one  thing,  in  the  proper  choice  of  words  ; 
and  I  might  as  well  give  the  doctor's  views  here.  When 
I  said  dilapidated,  he  said,  that  although  my  eyelids  and 
contiguous  parts  were  in  a  'bad  state,  they  were  not  dilap 
idated,  —  because  lapis  meant  stone,  from  which  came  dilap 
idated,  —  and  could  not  be  until  turned,  to  stone,  — a  thing 
not  known  in  his  reading  or  his  practice.  I  asked  him  what 
folks  meant  when  they  said  a  person  was  stone  blind. 

u  A  figure  of  speech  only,"  said  the  doctor.  "Figures  are 
never  to  be  used  in  speaking  of  the  science  of  pathol- 

ogy." 

When,  in  the  course  of  time,  the  doctor  presented  his  bill  for 
payment,  my  conscience  twitched  me  in  consequence  of  the 
precision  with  which  the  charges  had  been  made,  reminding  me 
of  my  part  in  the  deception  practised  upon  my  friends  and  the 
public  by  the  ingenuity  of  Mr.  Bean.  It  was  the  doctor's  prac 
tice,  particularly  in  surgical  cases,  to  put  on  the  record  the 
cause  and  manner  of  the  accident,  which  he  faithfully  tran 
scribed  in  the  bill.  I  put  the  doctor's  bill  in,  because  it  was 
the  first  bill  I  had  ever  paid  for  medical  services ;  and  because 
it  is  documentary  evidence  as  to  the  origin  of  my  tumefied 
and  discolored  visual  organs. 

5 


66  LIFE    OP 

CRANBERRY  CENTRE,  March,  18 — . 
MR.  JEFFERSON  S.  BATKINS,  to  ADONIRAM  SLAWTER,  M.  D. 

For  professional  services,  dressings,  visits,  consultations,  and  advice, 

from  March  to  April,  1C  visits,  at  50  cents  each, $8  00 

Medicines, 2  00 

New  York  oysters,  for  eyes, 50 

Ilis  injuries  being  caused  by  being  thrown  from  a  wagon,  as  

described  by  Mr.  Bean.  $10  50 

Roc'd  payment, 

ADONIRAM  SLAWTER,  M.  D. 

Everybody  will  agree  with  me  that  this  was  a  moderate  bill, 
and  I  commend  it  to  the  consideration  of  the  physicians  of  the 
present  day,  and  for  their  study.  But,  moderate  as  it  was,  as  it 
had  to  be  drawn  from  my  savings-bank,  it  was  like  pulling  out 
my  teetli  to  take  as  much  from  my  stock  of  money,  particu 
larly  when  it  brought  vividly  to  my  mind  the  picture  of  the 
whole  affair,  including  the  bill  for  groceries  and  nankin,  which 
the  wife  of  the  sea-captain  had  not  liquidated.  I  was  sitting 
behind  the  counter,  revolving  over  in  my  mind  how  to  extri 
cate  myself  from  Mr.  Bean's  power  over  me,  when  who  should 
enter  the  door  but  Aram  Andriss,  the  lawyer,  proprietor  of 
"Siinms'  Folly,"  known  as  lt  Mrs.  Simms'  man  "  to  that  portion 
of  the  people  of  Cranberry  Centre,  who  were  morally  and  re 
ligiously  inclined.  He  said  tome,  "How  d'ye  do,  Mr.  Batkins? 
I  am  glad  to  know  you  have  recovered  from  your  accident." 

I  said  I  was  better.  He  then  inquired  if  I  had  found  the 
horse  and  wagon.  I  replied  I  had  not.  He  said  he  was  sorry 
for  my  loss,  inquired  after  my  father's  health,  and  wished  to 
know  if  Mr,  Bean  was  in  the  store.  I  said  I  thought  he  was, 
and  asked  him  if  I  should  call  him.  He  said  he  would  not 
give  me  that  trouble,  but  would  find  him  himself.  Mr. 
Bean  at  this  moment  was  in  an  apartment  divided  by  a  parti 
tion  from  a  part  of  the  dry  goods  division  of  the  store,  —  an 
arrangement  made  by  Mr.  Bean,  which  he  called  the  counting- 
room,  by  which  title  the  place  was  always  spoken  of  when  any 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  67' 

private  business  was  to  be  attended  to,  and  was  often  the  scene 
of  discussion  by  parties  who  did  not  care  to  express  their  views 
on  politics  in  the  store  among  the  promiscuous  gathering  of 
customers. 

As  "Mrs.  Simms'  man"  left  the  counter,  over  which  he 
had  held  the  conversation  with  me,  he  said,  "Mr.  Batkins,  I 
have  heard  it  stated  as  a  probability  that  the  horse  and  wagon 
had  gone  into  the  river  from  the  bridge,  a  large  portion  of  the 
railing  having  been  discovered  to  be  broken,  on  the  morning 
after  the  accident.  The  town  is  liable  for  the  damage,  and 

O     " 

if  you  will  give  me  a  description  of  the  property,  the  value 
of  the  horse  and  wagon.  I  will  commence  an  action  against  the 
town  of  Cranberry  Centre,  if  they  decline  to  give  you  satis 
faction."  I  told  him  I  would  £hink  about  it,  and  let  him 
know.  He  passed  into  the  counting-room,  leaving  me  to  con 
sider  his  proposition  and  to  estimate  upon  the  value  of  the 
horse  and  wagon,  which  from  the  knowledge  the  reader  has 
of  the  case  he  can  judge  how  easy  it^was  for  me  to  do. 

The  reader  might  ask,  if  the  horse  and  wagon  did  go  into 
the  river,  why  it  never  had  been  found;  but,  by  reference 
again  to  the  facts,  he  will  perceive,  as  both  horse  and  wagon 
existed  only  in  the  imagination  of  Mr.  Bean,  search 
would  be  unnecessary  and  fruitless,  even  if  made  by  those 
who  had  read  the  account  of  the  accident  in  the  "  County 
Gazette."  Of  course  I  had  no  idea  of  bringing  a  suit,  or 
even  of  asking  the  town  authorities  to  pay  Dr.  Slawter's 
bill.  One  of  the  scarecrows  of  my  life  was  the  law.  The 
mere  idea  of  it,  in  the  case  of  Miss  Trivetts,  almost  made  me 
suffer  a  fit  of  sickness.  While  "Mrs.  Simms'  man  "  was 
engaged  with  Mr.  Bean,  I  continued  to  wait  on  such  cus 
tomers  as  came  in,  and  then  to  ponder  over  my  situation. 
After  some  time  had  elapsed,  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man"  came  from 
the  counting-room,  followed  by  Mr.  Bean.  They  passed  by 
me  without  noticing  me,  and  after  a  few  words  of  conversation, 


68  LIFE    OF 

both  making  reference  to  me  occasionally  by  pointing  with 
their  hands  reversed,  the  thumbs  extended  over  their  shoul 
ders,  "  Mrs.  Siinms'  man "  walked  away,  and  Mr.  Bean 
re-entered  the  store,  beckoned  me  to  him  with  a  most  mysterious 
air,  and  said  he  had  something  important  to  communicate.  I 
reminded  him  that  I  had  not  yet  seen  what  -he  termed  the 
trial-balance  of  the  books,  and  asked  him  if  he  would  be  good 
enough  to  finish  it,  as  I  had  agreed  with  my  father  to  bring  it 
home  with  me,  in  the  evening,  that  we  might  come  to  an  un 
derstanding  how  we  stood. 

Mr.  Bean  said  it  was  not  quite  completed,  and  if  it  were,  he 
could  not  meet  Mr.  Batkins  at  Mr.  Batkins,  senior's,  house  on 
that  evening,  as  he  had  made  an  engagement  for  us  both  to  be 
present  at  a  meeting  of  citizens,  at  Mr.  Andriss'  house,  at  the 
time  mentioned,  namely,  this  evening  at  eight  o'clock. 

I  had  never  been  inside  of  this  man's  house,  though  my 
father  had,  and  was  rather  glad  of  the  opportunity ;  but  now 
there  appeared  to  be  something  to  my  mind  suspicious  about 
it.  I  asked  him,  however,  in  a  toanner  riot  calculated  to  let 
him  see  my  condition  of  mind,  what  the  meeting  was  for. 
"To  arrange  the  preliminaries  for  establishing  a  bank  in 
Cranberry  Centre,  to  be  called  the  Grocers',  Producers',  Far 
mers',  Traders',  and  Mechanics'  Bank, "was  Mr.  Bean's  reply. 
I  ventured  on  a  joke, — a  dangerous  thing  to  do  with  Mr. 
Bean.  Says  I,  "Mr.  Bean, -this  is  not  the  meeting  we 
were  going  to  attend  when  we  were  upset  in  the  wagon,  is 
it?"  I  supposed  he  would  laugh;  he  did  not  even  smile, 
but,  running  his  long,  slim,  white  fingers  through  his  Hes 
perian  locks,  he  said,  "Certainly,  Mr.  Batkins,  and  it 
was  adjourned  until  this  evening  in  consequence  of  our  acci 
dent." 

I  looked  at  him  ;  he  never  changed  his  countenance,  but  re 
marked  that  I  had  better  go  home  and  dress  myself  to  look  like 
a  gentleman,  and,  if  my  suit  I  had  worn  on  the  occasion  of  my 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  69 

visit  to  the  sea-captain's  wife  was  not  damaged  by  the  fall 
from  the  wagon.  I  had  better  appear  in  that.  "But,"  says  I, 
••  Mr.  Bean.  I  am  not  in  favor  of  banks,  you  know."  —  "It 
is  for  your  interest  to  be  ;  wait  until  you  attend  the 
meeting ;  you  may  hear  something  that  will  change  your 
views.  I  will  remain  here  and  finish  the  trial-balance,  while 
,011  go  home  and  prepare  for  the  meeting." 

The  promise  that  he  would  finish  the  trial-balance  inclined 
me  to  assent,  and  I  may  as  well  state  here  that  though  this 
document  appeared  to  be  necessary  to  settle  matters  at  the 
store,  I  had  no  idea  really  what  it  was,  and  looked  into  the 
old  Bailey's  Dictionary  of  my  father's  in  vain  for  a  definition. 
I,  however,  left  the  store,  and  proceeded  to  the  homestead  to 
dress  up  for  my  visit  to  "  Simms'  Folly." 


70  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER   X. 

MY    FIRST   VISIT   TO    SIMMS7    FOLLY. 

IN  giving  a  brief  sketch  of  Cranberry  Centre  and  its  struc 
tures  I  purposely  omitted  a  famous  assemblage  of  buildings, 
known  for  many  years  as  Simms'  Folly,  in  consequence  of 
a  supposition,  never  objected  to,  that  no  person  in  his  right  mind 
would  put  so  much  money  into  buildings  as  these  cost,  in  a 
town  of  no  more  pretensions  than  Cranberry  Centre. 

So  it  was ;  and  as  my  personal  history  and  exploits  are  not 
easily  separated  from  this  magnificent  pile  in  some  respects,  I 
shall  endeavor  to  make  my  reader  acquainted  with  its  exterior 
and  interior,  as  he  will  in  time  know  more  of  its  builder  and 
original  occupant  and  his  successors. 

I  find,  in  writing  this  history,  a  difficulty,  which  at  this  time  I 
do  not  find  a  way  easily  to  overcome  :  at  the  time  of  my  first 
visit  to  Simms'  Folly  I  was  ignorant  of  matters  that  after 
wards  I  knew  more  about ;  and  yet  I  cannot  refer  to  them  in 
this  chapter,  as  it  wmild  disclose  events  and  evidence  that  did 
not  come  to  my  knowledge  for  a  long  space  of  time  afterwards. 
If  I  had  then  been  thus  informed,  much  that  did  happen  would 
not  have  happened  at  all. 

I  find  myself  in  a  dilemma.  I  must  write  as  if  I  was  in  the 
same  state  of  ignorance  as  I  was  on  the  memorable  day, 
on  the  evening  of  which  I  first  entered  over  the  principal 
threshold  of  this  celebrated  place,  or  else  —  There  can  be  no  else. 
I  cannot,  in  justice  to  my  story,  let  the  reader  know  any  more 
than  I  did  at  that  time. 

I  can  only  add.  I  write  veritable  history,  and  if  this  chap- 


JK  if  PERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  71 

ter  does  not  fulfil  the  general  expectation,  I  hope  the  failure 
to  interest  my  reader  will  not  be  attributed  to  the  subject  it 
self,  but  to  my  inability  to.  give  full  force  to  the  powers  of 
language  used  in  its  development.  It  is  difficult  to  restrain 
the  speculations  of  my  mind,  as  I  record  the  past ;  hence  oc 
casional  digression  will,  perhaps,  in  part,  suspend  the  march 
of  events. 

These  obstacles  to  a  straightforward  progression  can  only 
be  properly  appreciated  by  those  persons  who  have  been  in  my 
situation,  and  to  those  I  appeal  for  a  general  consideration  of 
all  my  errors  in  this  new  field  of  labor. 

To  write  of  myself  is  no  easy  task,  under  the  circumstan 
ces  surrounding  the  attempt.  Feeble,  indeed,  would  be  the 
style,  if  it  at  all  resembled  my  intellectual  capacity  as  the  events 
transpired,  as  I  stated  before  on  this  memorable  occasion.  From 
all  that  I  can  gather  as  to  the  use  of  any  descriptive  statement 
of  places  in  words,  it  is- that  by  such  happy  selection  of  phrases, 
and  such  proper  adaptation  of  them,  an  object  constructed  thus 
will  appear  before  the  vision  of  the  reader,  as  if  it  were  pic 
tured  out  on  paper,  and  actually  before  his  eyes  in  painted 
colors. 

This  may  be  true  of  some  word-paintings,  as  I  have  heard 
them  called ;  but  I  have  things  in  my  mind,  that  I  do  not  propose 
to  put  in  as  against  this  idea,  that  I  do  not  think  could  be  de 
scribed  faithfully  in  words,  or  by  painting  either,  though  some 
other  sense  than  hearing  or  vision  might  be  able  to  recognize 
them  if  present  for  inspection. 

I  did  hear  of  a  picture  of  a  battle,  where  everything  was  so 
perfectly  done  that  a  friend  of  the  artist  said  he  could  hear  the 
noise  of  the  cannons,  and  the  groans  of  the  wounded  men.  If 
that  is  so,  I  am  afraid  that  my  picture  of  Simms'  Folly  will  not 
do  to  hang  up  in  the  same  collection. 

Here  it  is.  Suppose,  my  reader,  you  had  been  at  that  day 
travelling  on  the  main  road  from  Cranberry  Centre  to  the  next 


72  LIFE    OP 

town,  on  its  western  boundary  line,  after  a  New  England  sunset, 
which  varies  somewhat  according  to  the  season.  The  first 
thing  perhaps,  after  a  glance  at  the  clouds,  that  would  claim 
your  notice,  would  be  a  stately  edifice,  rising  high  above  the 
foliage  of  a  surrounding  forest  of  trees.  I  cannot  describe  the 
architecture  of  this  mansion-house.  It  was  erected  in  imita 
tion  of  a  chateau  near  the  city  of  Paris,  the  property  of  a 
nobleman,  but  not  so  extensive  as  that  the  plans  of  whicli 
had  been  imitated.  About  the  space  of  ten  rods  from  the  road, 
an  expanse  of  greensward,  nicely  trimmed  in  the  summer,  sep 
arated  the  first  line  of  oaks  and  elms  from  the  common  travelled 
way.  This  was  enclosed  by  a  wall  of  masonry  ;  a  large  gate 
in  the  centre,  supported  by  two  decorated  columns,  when  opened, 
permitted  the  passage  of  carriages,  over  a  smooth  road,  to  the 
grand  piazza,  —  a  principal  entrance  to  the  house.  On  either 
side  of  the  gate  an  opening  was  left  sufficient  for  the  accom 
modation  of  visitors  on  foot. 

Barns,  stables,  lodges,  hot-houses,  aviaries,  and  other  useful 
appendages  and  accompaniments  of  luxurious  life  occupied 
appropriate  situations,  at  proper  distances  from  the  chateau. 
In  the  gardens  all  sorts  of  flowers  flourished  ;  rare  exotics, 
and  more  humble,  New  England  wild  growths,  transplanted  to 
beautifying,  but  enervating  soil.  Some  of  the  finest  specimens  of 
fruit-trees  then  known,  were  cultivated  with  great  care.  I  shall 
not  tire  the  patience  of  my  friends  with  any  description  of  the 
interior  of  this  American  palace.  According  to  reliable  ac 
counts,  no  private  residence,  even  in  the  cities,  could  be  found 
surpassing  Simms'  Folly  in  internal  finish,  or  decoration.  The 
apartments  were  furnished  in  accordance  with  a  princely  style 
of  foreign  splendor.  Few  of  the  inhabitants  of  Cranberry 
Centre  had  any  true  idea  of  the  place,  or  of  the  doings  within 
its  aristocratic  walls. 

I  did  not  think  when  I  began  to  write  my  life  that  I  should 
notice  every  article  of  dress  worn  by  the  people  I  met,  or 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  7o 

with  whom  I  had  business,  or  friendly  acquaintance.  It 
appeared  to  me  to  be  of  no  great  consequence  as  to  the  color 
of  the  cloth  ;  and  as  to  the  fashion,  that  changes  so  often  I 
could  never  keep  the  run  of  that.  I  do  not  intend  to  describe 
my  own  costume  at  all  times. 

I  notice  among  the  women-folks,  whether  of  the  kitchen  or 
parlor,  if  you  speak  of  any  particular  person,  the  first  ques 
tions  generally  are,  What  did  she  have  on  ?  How  did  she 
look? 

Sometimes  I  shall  depart  from  my  intention,  when  I  think 
it  proper,  or  when  there  is  as  much  or  more  in  their  dress 
than  in  any  other  characteristic,  or  when  the  people  do  not 
wear  such  clothes  as  are  becoming  to  their  sex,  or  age ;  in  all 
other  cases,  unless  I  make  a  different  statement,  it  may  be 
taken  for  granted  that  those  I  mention  are  decently  clad. 

So  about  chairs  and  tables  in  folks'  houses.  I  do  riot 
desire  to  have  my  reader  too  often  reminded  of  a  catalogue 
of  articles  for  sale  by  a  vendue  master,  when  a  person  breaks 
up  house-keeping. 

I  think,  with  a  little  imagination,  after  the  picture  I  have 
written,  any  person  might  have  a  good  sort  of  notion  as  to  how 
things  looked  in  the  best  room  in  Simms'  Folly  on  that  occa- 


o 

sion. 


I  shall  not  call  the  hired  help  in  Simms'  Folly  by  their 
names,  nor  shall  I  endeavor  to  give  any  insight  into  their 
modes  of  life,  or  personal  peculiarities. 

My  curiosity  was  excited  to  see  the  inside  of  this  enormous 
homestead,  or  palace  as  some  people  called  it ;  yet  I  told  my 
father  not  to  be  in  a  hurry,  for  as  to  the  business  we  were  on, 
• —  the  raising  of  a  bank,  —  it  went  against  my  grain  to  have 
anything  to  do  with  it ;  for  even  at  my  age,  at  that  time,  I 
believed  in  consistency.  I  thought  it  was  a  jewel  equal  to 
diamonds,  if  it  had  not  the  same  market  value. 

My  father  said,  in  his  younger  days  it  was  a  hard  thing 


7-1  LJFE    OF 

to  undertake  to  get  into  Simms'  Folly.  It  was  the  head 
quarters  of  aristocracy ;  the  man  who  built  it  being  of  immense 
wealth,  growing  out  of  his  financial  operations,  which  some 
said  were  no  more  nor  less  than  robbery.  On  this  point  I 
have  to  state  that  I  have  been  unable  to  rid  myself  of  an  idea 
then  formed,  that  financiering  was  an  invention  of  somebody  to 
cheat  the  honest  part  of  the  world's  people,  under  some 
mysterious  pretence  to  make  money  out  of  figures  on  paper, 
until  at  last  some  people's  houses,  lands,  and  cattle,  gold  and 
silver,  changed  owners,  and  those  knowing  ones  divided  the 
profits,  while  some  handsome  printed  pieces  of  paper  certified  how 
many  shares  they  were  proprietors  of  in  a  bursted  financiering 
scheme  ;  and  that  is  why  I  had  no  desire  to  go  into  this  new 
plan  of  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man"  for  a  bank  in  Cranberry  Centre. 

We  were  walking  up  one  of  the  handsome  gravelled  paths, 
edged  on  each  side  with  little  stones  of  different  colors,  as  my 
father  was  telling  me  about  the  stories  of  this  palace,  and  the 
high  times  they  had  when  Mr.  Simms  was  alive. 

He  said,  the  first  time  he  went  in,  he  went  as  far  as  the 
kitchen,  in  consequence  of  assisting  one  of  the  hired  men,  that 
he  knew,  to  get  a  pipe  of  wine  into  the  cellar.  In  those  days 
people  who  could  get  a  pipe  of  wine  were  not  ashamed  to  put 
it  into  their  cellars,  or'  to  keep  a  decanter  full  of  old  cogniac, 
Santa  Cruz  rum,  or  Holland  gin  on  the  sideboard  in  their 
parlor  or  dining-room.  I  never  knew  whether  Mr.  Simms  was 
a  member  of  the  General  Court,  or  not ;  but  I  did  know  a 
member  who  kept  good  liquors  in  his  closet,  who  went  his 
whole  heft,  voice,  and  vote  for  the  prohibitory  law  —  cider 
and  all. 

We  had  arrived  at  the  front  door.  A  man  —  I  believe  he 
was  called  John  —  stood  ready  to  receive  us.  He  asked  whom 
he  should  announce.  My  father,  in  a  firm  tone,  replied,  Mr. 
Jcthro  Batkins  and  his  son  Mr.  Jefferson  S.  Batkins.  John 
took  in  our  names,  and  returned  to  show  us  the  way.  Wo 


JEFFERSON  S.   B  ATKINS.  75 

followed  him.  I  had  left  my  hat  outside;  I  did  not  know 
what  to  do  in  such  an  elegant  place  ;  I  was  afraid  to  step  upon 
the  handsome  carpet.  ;'  Mrs.  Simms'  man  "  came  to  meet  us, 
shaking  us  cordially  by  the  hand,  invited  jis  to  be  seated,  and 
rather  awkwardly,  I  have  no  doubt,  I  deposited  myself  in  one 
of  the  handsomest  chairs  I  ever  saw  before  or  since,  close  to  a 
table  of  the  most  curious  kind  of  marble  on  the  top,  and  with 
legs  that  looked  more  like  serpents  than  anything  I  ever 
looked  on  before,  only  they  had  wings  and  such  other  marks 
on  them  as  I  never  knew  any  kinds  of  snakes  to  have. 

As  I  sat  looking 'at  this  table  and  the  papers  that  were  on 
it,  Doctor  Slawter  came  in.  He  was  very  polite,  looked  side 
ways  at  my  eyes?  not  yet  entirely  put  to  rights,  then  joined  in 
our  conversation.  A  little  later  Mr.  Dovedrake,  the  minister, 
was  shown  in. 

"  Mrs.  Simms'  man  "  received  the  doctor  and  the  minister 
in  the  same  affable  manner  as  he  had  welcomed  us. 

I  thought  the  minister  bowed,  or,  as  we  used  to  say  in 
schoolma'am  days,  made  his  manners  a  little  too  much  like  a 
dancing-master  for  a  minister. 

We  all  talked  as  folks  usually  do  when  they  have  nothing 
particular  to  say.  As  yet  nobody  had  mentioned  the  subject 
of  the  bank,  any  further  than  to  refer  to  a  subscription  book 
lying  upon  the  table.  There  was  another  printed  book  that 
we  all  looked  at.  On  the  cover  was  pasted  a  piece  of  paper, 
on  which  was  printed  the  name  of  a  distinguished  lawyer  of 
New  Hampshire,  who  afterwards  made  his.  home  in  Massachu 
setts.  I  shall  withhold  the  name  of  the  owner  of  this  finan 
cial  volume,  while  I  state  the  title  of  the  book.  It  was  "  Gouge 
on  Banking."  There  ought  to  be  a  book,  in  my  opinion, 
with  the  name  Banks  on  Gouging,  written  square  up  to  the 
meaning  of  the  title-page. 

At  this  time  there  entered  into  the  room  the  Hon.  Seth 
Spring,  the  member  to  the  General  Court  from  Cranberry 


76  LIFE    OF 

Centre.  Little  did  I  think  then  I  should  ever  say  he  was  one 
of  my  predecessors  in  the  State  House  of  the  Common 
wealth. 

I  apologize  in  advance  for  a  digression.  What  comes  to 
my  mind  now  I  must  write.  Although  it  is  of  the  future,  I 
hope  to  be  excused,  you  understand,  if  I  anticipate  the 
announcement  of  the  "County  Gazette"  some  years  after 
wards,  as  follows:  '%0ur  townsman,  Jefferson  S.  Batkins, 
was  elected  yesterday  as  representative,  in  opposition  to  Seth 
Spring,  Esquire." 

What  a  difference  between  then  and  now  !  —  the  then  pres 
ent  and  coming  future  face  to  face  What  a  scene  !  Then, 
as  the  saying  was,  I  did  not  know  my  own  shears.  The 
Batkins  of  the  then  and  now  !  My  contemplation  of  the 
change  astounds  me. 

tf  Seth  Spring,  Esquire  !  "  on  that  occasion  I  had  the 
honor  of  my  first  introduction  to  this  distinguished  and  cele 
brated  personage. 

It  will  not  be  supposed  that  I  had  not  known  my  learned 
predecessor  before.  At  sight  I  knew  him  well ;  but  I  had  never 
been  before  introduced  to  him.  lie  had  always  been  an  object 
of  admiration  to  me  as  he  walked  through  the  streets  of  Cran 
berry  Centre,  in  my  boyhood's  days,  when  lawyers,  doctors, 
and  clergymen,  appeared  to  me  to  be  above  all  other  men  in 
the  ordinary  walks  of  life.  I  somehow  got  my  idea  of  gen 
tlemen  from  these  classes,  as  their  clothing  and  general  man 
agement  of  their  ways  were  so  different  from  the  farmers, 
tradesmen,  and  mechanics  that  made  up  the  bulk  "of  our  rural 
population. 

I  shall  describe  Mr.  Spring,  or  Squire  Spring,  because  his 
manner  and  style  was  somewhat  out  of  the  run  of  the  rest  of 
the  gentlemen  "born  and  bred."  as  Aunt  Dolly  designated 
these  favored  specimens  of  created  things.  I  am  not  the  biog 
rapher  of  Seth  Spring,  and  shall  not  go  back  to  his  parentage 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  77 

% 

and  birth.  I  shall  only  give  the  stamp  of  authority  to  his 
doings,  while  my  fellow-citizen  in  Cranberry  Centre.  He 
was  one  of  these  people  who  looked  older  than  his  years.  He 
had  what  was  ^termed  a  resemblance  to  a  hawk  ;  but  I  should 
say  that  a  little  change  would  be  necessary  in  the  build  of  the 
front  of  the  house  "  he  lived  in,"  as  Doctor  Slawter  used 
sometimes  to  call  a  man's  body,  to  cover  that  ground.  If  the 
hawk's  face  was  lengthened  a  little  upwards,  and  then  flat 
tened  to  give  the  whole  a  somewhat  triangular  or  flat-iron 
look,  imagination,  vivid  enough,  might  do  the  rest.  His  skin 
was  dark  ;  his  hair  thin,  a  little  whitened,  was  brushed  up 
from  his  ears,  over  a  partly  bald  crown ;  he  allowed  the* 
growth  of  so  much  beard  as  would  permit  a  portion  called 
whiskers,  to  be  cultivated  into  a  point  at  the  edge  of  the  jaw 
bone  under  the  ear'. 

All  this  information  I  give,  that  it  may  be  seen  what  care 
he  gave  to  his  personal  appearance  at  that  time.  When  he 
was  in  his  best  shape,  on  Sundays,  or  when  he  attended  the 
courts,  or  on  other  public  and  important  occasions,  he  was 
clad  in  cloth  cut  and  made  up  in  Boston,  by  one  of  the  then 
celebrated  firms  of  merchant  tailors,  who  had  his  sign  over  the 
door  of  his  shop,  then  known  as  the  "  emporium  of  fashion."  I 
never  saw  the  place,  —  that  was  my  father's  evidence  on  the 
subject.  The  locality  of  this  fashionable  tailor  was  in  the 
vicinity  of  the  old  State  House. 

Mr.  Spring's  stature  was  somewhat  at  variance  with  the 
rule  of  proportion  in  laying  out  man's  structure.  He  was 
one  of  those  persons  who,  at  all  times,  could  not  be  said  to  be 
either  tall  or  short.  He  "sat  high,"  and  "  stood  low;  "  that 
is,  his  body  was  longer  than  his  legs,  you  understand.  I  sup 
pose  the  matter  will  be  readily  enough  understood  without 
further  attempts  at  explanation. 

Those  now  living  who  may.  have  seen  the  late  statesman, 
Webster,  may  remember  his  style  of  dress;  and  thus  form 


78  LIFE    OF 

some  idea  of  how  Seth  Spring,  Esquire,  looked,  when  covered 
with  the  blue  coat,  buff  vest,  with  bright  buttons,  and  dark 
trousers  furnished  by  the  Boston  tailor,  who, m for  all  I  know 
to  the  contrary,  had  the  name  of  Daniel  Webster  on  his  books, 
and  made  his  clothes.  His  white  cravat,  double-banked  ruffled 
shirt-bosom  flowing  in  the  wind  like  a  drift  of  snow,  over  the 
high  and  stiff  collar  of  his  coat,  with  the  jaunty  twirling  of  a 
bamboo  cane  always  carried  in  his  right  hand  when  walking, 
distinguished  him  as  a  man  of  consequence,  as  with  nimble- 
footed  gait  he  moved  to  the  place  of  his  destination. 

If  ever  a  person's  step  and  way  of  movement  of  the  head 
expressed  the  idea,  "I  am  the  man,"  Seth  Spring's,  at  that 
time,  did  it  to  perfection.  It  used  to  be  said  of  him  by  the 
common  people  that  Seth  Spring  "felt  his  oats."  About 
election  time  he  knew  almost  everybody  that  voted,  and  used  to 
call  them  by  name  when  he  met  them  at  the  store,  at  the  tavern, 
or  in  the  road.  He  used  to  ask  some  of  the  women  folks  how 
their  babies  did,  and  carry  candy  in  his  pocket  for  the  babies, 
some  of  the  mothers  said.  I  only  report  it ;  I  do  not  know  it 
to  be  a  matter  of  fact.  After  election  he  would  get^to  be  a  little 
close-fistexl  with  his  money  and  aristocratic  in  the  selection  of  his 
company.  He  was  considered  the  smartest  man  in  Cranberry 
Centre  at  that  day.  A  judgment  may  be  formed  of  the  esti 
mation  held  in  Cranberry  Centre  of  his  sagacity,  shrewdness, 
and  general  mental  capacity,  from  a  saying,  never  objected  to 
that  I  ever  heard  of,  that  if  anybody  could  get  ahead  of  Seth 
Spring  that  one  could  get  ahead  of  Beelzebub  himself.  Now, 
I  believe,  in  the  nature  of  things  no  man  can  be  perfect ;  every 
one  has  a  tender  spot;  it  is  only  necessary  to  find  it.  I  am 
not  sure  where  mine  is  yet.  I  have  been  cheated,  and  expect 
to  be  again,  and  I  am  aware  this  is  not  the  place  to  allude  to 
what  happened  thereafter,  when  the  lion.  Seth  Spring  and 
Jefferson  S.  Batkins  came  to  be  better  acquainted. 

I  am  to  state  here  that  I  looked  upon  him  as  a  "  Magnus 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS. 


Apollo."  This  figure  of  my  idea  I  discovered  after  wards,  for 
at  that  time  I  had  no  knowledge  of  heathen  deities  and  the 
demigods  of  classic  days.  I  had  the  feeling,  nevertheless,  of 
a  kind  of  man-worship,  and  I  was  proud  to  think  I  should  now 
be  introduced  to  this  great  man  of  Cranberry  Centre. 

Many  will  remember,  in  the  deportment  department  of  the 
schools  in  country  towns,  kept  by  school  ma'ams  of  the  old 
pattern,  politeness  was  vigorously  taught,  and  we  were  obliged 
to  practise  the  bow  and  scrape  with  the  hand  held  to  the 
mouth,  and  dropped  with  a  curve,  'at  the  end  of  the  salute,  at 
the  side.  I  was  awkward  in  this  respect ;  but  I  went  through 
the  motions  often  enough  not  to  forget  the  principle  upon 
which  the  movement  was  planned ;  this  stuck  to  me  through 
my  life,  and  I  put  ifc  into  operation  after  my  best  pattern  on 
the  occasion  referred  to,  when  the  following  introduction  took 
place  :  ' '  Mr.  Batkins,  sir,  I  have  the  pleasure  to  introduce 
you  to  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring."  Though  Mr.  Spring  was  tall, 
I  was  taller.  I  made  my  bow,  held  out  my  hand,  and  said, 
"  I  am  happy,  sir,  to  make  your  acquaintance."  —  "  Happy 
to  know  you,  young  man,"  said  he;  and  when  I  was  about  to 
seize  his  hand,  supposing  he  meant  what  he  said,  he  withdrew 
it  after  simply  touching  mine,  with  an  air  as  if  I  had  some 
awful  catching  humor,  and  he  was  afraid  of  the  poison.  My 
father,  being  an  old  acquaintance,  he  asked  him  some  questions 
about  winter  grain,  and  a  horse  he  wanted  to  trade  with  him 
for,  and  then  began  a  conversation*  with  "Mrs.  Simms'  man." 
I  had  the  opportunity  to  watch  his  motion  with  his  arms,  when 
something  important  and  emphatic  was  escaping  from  his 
mouth,  I  suppose,  as  he  did  when  he  was  debating  with  the 
lions  of  the  Massachusetts  General  Court.  I  wished  I  was  at 
home  with  Aunt  Dolly,  for,  to  tell  the  truth,  I  felt  small 
among  the  assembly  at  this  time.  I  tried  to  talk  with  the  doc- 
tor,  but  he  seemed  to  be  desirous  to  join  in  with  Mr.  Spring 
and  "Mrs.  Simms'  njan."-  After  a  while  I  thought  I  would 


80  LIFE    OF 

try  what  ray  father  would  do  to  keep  me  from  appearing  so 
like  nobody ;  but  he  also  was  not  inclined  to  continue  to  talk 
with  me,  and  went  over  to  the  minister,  who  sat  looking 
gravely  into  the  fire,  and,  I  thought,  thinking  perhaps  of  the 
sermon  he  was  to  preach  the  next  Sunday.  But  though  my 
father  had  a  pew  in  the  meeting-house,  and  paid  his  taxes, 
he  was  not  a  constant  attendant  at  meeting  time,  and  though  a 
"justice  of  the  peese  "  (as  he  sometimes  wrote  it  at  the  end  of 
Jethro  Batkins.  or  an  official  paper),  he  could  hold  a  conver 
sation  longer  with  the  blacksmith,  the  cattle-drovers,  and  the 
horse-jockeys  than  with  the  minister.  'He  could  joke  the 
doctor  some ;  but  the  doctor  was  too  much  for  him.  After  a 
while  my  father  left  him,  and  I  thought  I  would  try  my  hand 
with  the  minister.  They  all  got  together  round  the  table.  As 
I  gathered  from  a  word  I  heard  drop  now  and  then  about  the 
"  bank  "  —  "  making  of  the  town  "  —  "  secure  the  trade  " 
—  "  PaJ  g°0(l  interest,"  they  were  busy  in  the  matter  of  the 
new  bank. 

I  thought  I  would  tails:-- about  the  bank  to  the  minister. 
Seating  myself  by  his  side,  with  my  feet  upon  the  fender,  I 
asked  him  if  he  was  in  favor  of  the  bank.  He  said  he  was 
inclined  to  be,  but  did  not  understand  much  about  banking. 
That  was  my  case,  of  course,  but  I  had  no  idea  of  confessing 
it  to  him ;  so  I  began  to  enlarge  upon  specie  and  counterfeit 
money.  I  thought  I  would  say  something  from  the  Bible 
that  would  apply  to  my  notion  of  such  matters.  He  gave 
me  the  opportunity,  by  saying  he  could  not  invest  much  in 
the  institution,  though  Mr.  Andriss  had  thought  it  would  be 
well  to  have  his  name  on  the  list  of  stockholders,  and  he 
added,  "He  has  kindly  agreed  to  loan  me  the  money  to  pay 
in  the  first  instalment."  —  "  Well,"  says  I,  "  that's  friendly. 
I  suppose  you  prefer  to  lay  up  your  treasures  where  moths 
will  not  corrupt  nor  thieves  break  in  and  steal."  —  "Yes," 
he  said,  and  looked  at  me  in  a  very  equivocal  manner,  and 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  81 

asked  me  if  I  had  recovered  from  my  accident.  This  startled 
me  so  that  I  lost  my  balance.  My  feet  slipped  from  the 
fender,  and  I  was  measuring  the  floor  with  the  whole  length 
of  my  body.  I  recovered  myself  with  the  help  of  the  min 
ister,  who,  in  his  sudden  surprise  and  effort  to  assist  me,  also 
met  with  an  accident.  Either  the  dye-stuff,  in  the  cloth  out 
of  which  his  trousers  were  made,  had  rotted  the  fabric,  or  the 
friction  between  his  body  and  the  chair  in  which  he  sat  to 
write  his  sermons,  had  made  it  too  thin  to  stand  extra  pres 
sure,  or  some  other  cause  had  permitted  them  to  split,  with 
the  usual  noise  attendant  upon  such  a  fracture,  placing  him 
at  once  in  a  most  unclerical  predicament.  For  the  moment  it 
disturbed  the  deliberation  of  the  party  at  the  table,  who  upon 
discovering  we  were  on  our  feet  returned  to  the  animated  dis 
cussion  our  mishap  had  interrupted.  I  had  torn  nothing,  —  the 
minister  had ;  and  I  then  made  a  resolution  that  if  I  should 
ever  be  a  minister  I  would  never  wear  black  trousers  without 
having  another  pair  underneath,  in  case  of  accident.  After 
an  apology  the  minister,  moving  in  an  oblique  line,  left  the 
room,  as  no  one  offered  to  supply  him  w'ith  a  substitute  for 
the  damaged  trousers.  Again  I  was  alone.  I  resumed  my 
situation  at  the  fire,  when,  unannounced,  who  should  come  in 
but  Mr.  Aristarchus  Bean  !  He  paused  and  inquired  if  Mr. 
Batkins  was  here,  then  pretending  that  he  had  not  seen  me 
he  wralked  up  to  me,  placed  in  my  hand  a  bundle  olf  papers, 
saying,  "Here,  Mr.  Batkins,  is  the  trial-balance  and  other 
papers  necessary  for  the  settlement  of  our  affairs  to-morrow." 
I  commenced  looking  at  the  papers,  he  offering  to  explain  to 
me  their  meaning  and  use. 

At  this  moment  the  party  at  the  table  arose  as  if  something 
had  been  settled.  Mr.  Andriss  seemed  in  great  spirits,  and 
said,  "Gentlemen,  it  is  all  right,  and  if  the  Hon.  Mr.  Spring 
will  present  the  petition  for  the  charter  at  the  next  session  of 
the  Legislature  there  can  be  now  no  doubt  of  its  success." 


82  .  LIFE    OF 

11 1  will  do  my  best,"  said  the  Hon.  Seth ;  "  but  I  have  no 
doubt  it  will  be  opposed  by  the  member  from  Leadenville  and 
all  the  interests  he  can  command." 

For  a  moment,  as  if  by  general  consent,  the  consideration 
of  the  bank  ceased,  and  inquiries  were  made  for  the  minister. 
When  I  had  related  the  particulars  of  the  mishap,  there  was 
a  general  smile,  with  great  expressions  of  regret  at  the  ab 
sence  of  the  minister.  I  do  not  know  how  it  is,  but  a  certain 
sort  of  accident  is  always  a  source  of  merriment  to  the  looker- 
on,  and  the  kind  of  individual  who  may  be  the  subject  of  it  in 
creases  or  decreases  the  degree.  I  don't  know  why  there 
should  be  anything  provocative  of  laughter  in  the  fact  that 
two  gentlemen  fall  together,  and  the  broadcloth  or  cassimere 
of  a  clergyman  proves  too  weak  for  the  occasion.  Mr.  Bean, 
after  I  had  expressed  this  opinion  in  an  audible  tone,  and  with 
a  countenance  indicating  my  sympathy  for  the  minister's  con 
dition,  and  some  show  of  anger  at  their  want  of  it,  came  up 
again  to  me,  and  said  he  thought  the  parson,  as  he  called  him, 
would  recover  from  the  effect  of  the  accident  to  his  trousers 
sooner  than  I  should  from  my  fall  from  the  wagon.  With 
this  speech  he  gave  me  one  of  the  most  tantalizing  and  mali 
cious  stares  possible,  saying,  somewhat  smothering  it  between 
his  teeth,  "  Batkins,  I've  got  you  for  always." 

The  doors  leading  to  another  apartment  were  opened ;  a 
table  loaded  with  deljcacies  and  luxuries  appeared.  I  had  never 
seen  such  a  sight  before,  and  rarely  since.  I  shall  not  describe 
the  articles  of  food.  I  cannot  remember  them,  and  of  course 
I  kept  no  catalogue.  All  I  have  to  say  is  that,  at  the  invita 
tion  of  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  we  sat  down  at  the  table,  — the 
Hon.  Seth  Spring  on  the  right  sid£  of  "Mrs.  Simms'  man," 
my  father  to  the  left,  Dr.  Slawter  next  to  Mr.  Spring ;  three 
gentlemen  whose  names  I  have  forgotten,  who  came  in  late 
with  Mr.  Bean,  had  seats  assigned  to  them ;  the  chair 
intended  for  the  minister  was  unoccupied;  I  sat  opposite 
to  Mr.  Bean,  who  I  thought  purposely  served  me  very 


JEFFERSOfr  S.    B ATKINS.  83 

shabbily  in   the   division  of    the   flesh   and  fowl   that   were 
so  liberally  placed  at  our  disposal. 

I  wish  I  could  give  an  account  of  what  was  said  and  done  at 
this  supper,  or  dinner,  or  whatever  it  might  be  called,  besides 
eating  and  drinking.  I  drank  no  wine  myself,  neither  did  Mr. 
Bean.  I  wished  the  minister  had  remained,  for  I  should  like 
to  have  seen  what  effect  wine  would  have  had  upon  him.  He 
did  partake,  I  believe,  on  certain  social  occasions  with  his 
parishioners.  It  was  not  considered  out  of  the  way  for  cler 
gymen  to  imbibe  in  reason.  If  it  had  the  same  effect  upon 
him  that  it  did  upon  Dr.  Slawter,  who  was  not  intoxicated  of 
course,  only  a  little  exhilarated,  the  minister  would  not  have 
been  safe  in  his  seat  without  two  or  three  pairs  of  trousers, 
unless  made  of  canvas  or  some  other  unyielding  material. 
Toasts  were  given  from  one  to  the  other,  many  of  them  allud 
ing  to  what  the  doctor  called  the  embryo  bank.  The  Hon, 
Seth  Spring,  being  called  upon,  rose  with  such  a  smile,  —  any 
painter  that  could  make  that  smile  on  canvas  would  be  immor 
talized.  The  allusion  made  to  the  representative  of  Cran 
berry  Centre  was  the  cause  of  this  smile,  and  if  a  smile  could 
be  expressed  in  words,  I  would  describe  that  on  my  face  as  my 
pen  traces  the  words  "representative  of  Cranberry  Centre." 
At  this  moment  I  almost  arose  from  my  seat  as  I  remembered 
how  in  the  days  past  —  days  then  to  come  —  I  smiled  when  I 
responded  to  that  call ;  but  I  must  curb  my  enthusiasm  and 
keep  back  until  the  proper  time.  It  was  wonderful  to  me  to 
see  how  the  wine  had  taken  down  the  aristocratic  top-loftiness 
of  Mr-.  Spring.  He  referred  to  all  present  in  some  compli 
mentary  way,  except  to  me.  I  was  dismissed  with  a  phrase 
addressed  to  my  father,  who  had  been  putting  the  sugar  to 
him,  as  Aunt  Dolly  used  to  have  it:  "  Your  son,  when  you 
are  gone,  Mr.  Batkins,  will  undoubtedly  do  as  much  as  you 
have  done  for  Cranberry  Centre."  My  father  could  never 
make  a  speech  off-hand,  but  now,  as  he  had  put  down  occa- 


84  LIFE    OF 

sionally  strong  potations  of  brandy,  in  addition  to  the  wine,  his 
powers  of  volubility  were  materially  lessened.  Mr.  Bean 
made  a  very  neat  apology  for  a  speech,  and  to  have  heard  him 
you  would  have  supposed  that  he  was  studying  for  the  minis 
try,  and  expected  to  preach  to  a  congregation  principally  com 
posed  of  ladies,  so  fine  and  nice  were  the  few  sentences  he 
uttered,  his  lips  always  appearing  to  be  in  condition  for  kiss 
ing  somebody.  He  had  the  most  effeminate  manner  of  speak 
ing,  with  the  most  positive  and  determined  method  of  enforcing 
his  views,  of  any  man  or  woman  I  ever  saw.  Women  who 
have  this  way,  'tis  said,  are  the  most  dangerous  antagonists  a 
man  can  have,  no  matter  what  the  subject  upon  which  they 
become  belligerent.  In  the  midst  of  our,  or  their,  glee,  —  for  I 
was  rather  serious  and  was  thinking  of  the  task  I  had  in  hand 
on  the  morrow,  namely,  the  dissolution  of  the  commercial  firm 
of  Batkins  &  Co.,  and  closing  partnership  of  any  kind 
with  Mr.  Aristarclms  Bean;  I  was  also  anxious  that  my 
father  should  get  home  before  the  effects  of  the  strong  drink 
should  be  manifest,  which  mastered  him  when  away  from 
home  carousing  late  at  night,  —  "Mrs.  Simms'  man" 
rose  to  make  the  closing  speech,  and  had  commenced  by 
thanking  us  for  the  pleasure  we  had  given  him  by  calling  to 
see  him.  He  said  he  had  no  ambition  to  gratify,  did  not  de 
sire  public  station,  but  in  the  present,  and  in  the  future,  as  in 
the  past,  his  designs  were  only  for  the  good  of  his  fellow- 
townsmen.  His  soul,  he  said,  was  alive  to  the  interests  of 
humanity,  and  his  heart  beat  with  no  malice  towards  his  fel 
low-men.  He  wished  the  minister  were  here  to  say  for  him 
to  the  parish  at  the  next  meeting  that  he  intended  to  join  the 
worshippers  in  that  ancient  temple,  devoting  his  means  to  the 
preservation  of  justice,  morality,  and  charity.  His  good 
name  had  been  assailed,  but  he  defied  any  human  being  to 
prove  him  guilty  of  any  injury  to  his  fellow-creatures  either 
in  thought  or  deed. 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  85 

When  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man"  sat  down,  there  seemed  to  be 
nothing  else  to  be  said.  All  rose  at  once,  and  notwithstanding 
the  invitation  to  remain,  the  party  gradually  left  the  supper- 
room  ;  in  the  parlor  there  was  a  general  shaking  of  hands. 
John  assisted  us  to  find  our  hats,  and  amidst  a  general  expres 
sion  of  hilarity  we  left  Simms'  Folly  for  our  separate  homes. 

I  hope  I  have  not  been  tedious  in  my  description  of  my  first 
appearance  among  distinguished  persons.  It  was  a  great 
matter  to  me.  How  can  I  ever  forget  my  first  introduction  to 
the  Hon.  Seth  Spring  ?  Here  I  sat,  with  my  feet  under  the 
same  table  with  Dr.  Slawter  ;  and  but  for  the  accident  which 
deprived  us  of  his  sociable  qualities,  the  minister  of  Cranberry 
Centre  would  have  furnished  me  with  sufficient  evidence  of  the 
difference  between  a  minister  among  his  flock  on  Sundays,  and 
the  minister  at  the  incubation  of  a  financial  and  worldly  egg,  — 
the  Grocers',  Producers',  Farmers',  Traders',  and  Mechanics' 
Bank  of  Cranberry  Centre. 


LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER    XL 

DISSOLUTION   OF   THE   FIRM. 

MR.  BEAN  had  had  some  talk  with  Squire  Andriss,  I  sup 
posed  upon  the  subject  of  the  store,  and  the  settlement  of  the 
accounts  of  the  firm ;  and  as  he  was  a  lawyer,  and  his  friend, 
and  interested  in  the  business,  I  did  not  think  much  of  the  mat 
ter.  I  had  understood  they  both  came  from  the  same  town.  I 
asked  Bean  once  if  this  was  so,  but  received  some  evasive 
answer,  as  I  usually  did  when  I  asked  for  any  special  information 
as  to  his  antecedents.  As  we  walked  down  the  avenue  on  our 
way  to  the  road,  I  was  about  to  speak  to  Bean  without  having 
my  father  hear  my  question.  My  father  and  myself  were 
walking  arm-in-arm  together;  in  an  attempt  to  approach  a 
little  nearer  to  Bean,  by  dropping  my  father's  arm,  I  discov 
ered  my  father's  inability  to  stand  unaided.  Bean  passed  on, 
saying  ' '  Good-night,  Batkins ;  to-morrow  will  prove  a  busy 
day.''  I  returned  his  good-night.  My  father  attempted  it, 
but  failed.  With  some  little  difficulty,  I  assisted  my  father 
to  the  homestead,  gave  him  in  charge  of  Aunt  Dolly,  and  re 
tired  to  my  room.  I  could  not  sleep  ;  that  nightmare,  Bean, 
was  my  constant  companion  all  night,  that  is,  in  my  dreams. 
With  him  I  was  riding  in  a  wagon,  or  trying  to  get  away 
from  the  sea-captain's  wife. 

As  I  increased  in  years,  three  things  had  been  constantly 
presented  to  me  as  temptations,  and  as  constantly  was  I  en 
gaged  in  resisting  their  influences,  tending  to  weaken  my 
intention  of  resistance.  I  repeat  them  here  ;  —  politics,  mar 
riage,  and  the  principal  weakness  of  my  father,  —  in-temperate 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  87 

use  of  stimulating  drinks.  Thus  far  I  had  been  successful, 
and  I  had  passed  one  of  these  dangerous  periods  of  a  young 
man's  existence.  The  more  I  thought  of  Dr.  Slawter's  notion 
of  inheriting  qualities,  the  more  resolute  I  have  been  in  my 
own  case  to  upset  the  theory.  My  father  was  a  politician  ;  he 
was  married,  but  did  not  repeat  the  ceremony  when  he  had  the 
opportunity ;  and  as  to  the  use  of  ardent  spirits,  if  I  were  not 
writing  a  true  history,  I  would  leave  that  out  for  my  father's 
sake :  and  yet,  *bear  in  mind,  I  am  afraid  I  shall  be  a  victim 
to  the  first-named  temptations  if  I  succeed  in  avoiding  the  last. 
That  dinner  did  not  start  an  active  movement  in  my  brain  for 
wedlock  or  for  brandy ;  but  the  speech  made  by  the  Hon.  Seth 
Spring,  I  confess,  made  the  idea  steal  over  me  that  if  a  day 
should  come  when  I  should  represent  Cranberry  Centre,  as  he 
did,  I  should  have  to  wear  stronger  trousers  than  the  minis 
ter's,  or  I  might  meet  with  the  same  accident  that  sent  him 
home  without  the  pleasure  he  came  to  enjoy.  When  I  awoke, 
I  found  myself  in  the  attitude  of  Mr.  Spring,  at  the  table, 
actually  making  a  speech  to  myself.  I  was  alarmed  by  a 
knock  at  the  door.  Asking  "  Who's  there?  "  Aunt  Dolly,  in 
a  trembling  tone,  inquired,  "  Jefferson,  what  is  the  matter 
with  you?  " 

"Nothing,  Aunt  Dolly,"  I  replied;  "go  to  "bed,  that's  a 
good  soul,  do." 

Hearing  the  natural  sound  of  my  voice  quieted  her.  She 
went  down  to  her  room,  and  secured  the  balance  of  her  sum 
of  sleep,  which  I  had  subtracted  from  her  in  speaking  a  piece 
to  imaginary  fellow-citizens.  This  showed  in  the  main  that 
Dr.  Slawter  was  right.  I  did  not  return  to  bed,  but  dressed 
after  shaving,  and  to  fill  up  the  time  to  the  breakfast  hour  I 
turned  over  the  papers  given  to  me  by  Mr.  Bean,  and  was 
endeavoring,  with  all  the  arithmetical  powers  invested  in  my 
not  a  large  fund,  to  understand  the  meaning  of  this  mysterious 
trial-balance,  which  was  to  prove  how  accurately  the  books  of 


88  LIFE   OF 

the  firm  had  been  kept,  and  exactly  what  my  share  in  the 
profits  of  the  business  would  be  after  a  partnership  of  five 
years'  limitation.  At  the  usual  hour  I  went  to  the  store, 
carrying  the  papers  in  my  pocket,  with  some  sheets  of  figur 
ing,  upon  which  I  had  traced  my  views  of  the  result,  partly 
from  memory,  and  partly  from  private  memoranda  in  my 
almanac,  or  other  parts  of  my  journal  of  events,  and  with 
what  I  could  understand  of  Mr.  Bean's  trial-balance.  The 
store  was  closed ;  upon  it  a  piece  of  pasteboard,  upon  which 
was  printed,  in  the  style  for  which  Mr.  Bean  was  peculiar : 
"Taking  an  account  of  stock ;  open  to-morrow  with  new 
goods."  This  he  had  placed  there  when  he  left  in  the  even 
ing  for  promiscuous  visiting,  as  he  termed  it,  to  terminate  at 
Simms'  Folly,  where  on  time  he  arrived.  I  opened  the 
store-door  and  one  shutter,  to  let  in  light  for  the  stock-tak 
ing,  and  other  duties  in  the  direction  of  the  day's  work. 

Mr.  Bean's  books  were  specimens  of  neatness  and  elegant 
penmanship;  his  chirographic  practice,  as  he  called  it,  was 
truly  wonderful,  totally  different  from  my  efforts  with  the  pen. 
Notwithstanding  I  had  the  assistance  of  good  teachers  of  busi 
ness  hands,  and  running  hands,  with  ornamental  and  fine 
hands,  the  only  result  was  a  mixture  of  the  bad  qualities  of 
all  with  none  of  the  good  of  either.  I  confess  I  am  a  bad 
writer,  and  that  I  was  not  allowed  to  write  in  these  books, 
and  scarcely  to  look  into  them ;  a  sort  of  order-book,  made  of 
brown  paper,  was  the  only  field  of  book-keeping  I  was  allowed 
to  make  a  mark  upon.  One  of  the  conditions  of  his  engage 
ment,  besides  the  general  one  of  instructing  me  in  the  myste 
ries  of  buying  and  selling  the  commodities  we  dealt  in,  was  to 
make  me  perfect  in  a  new  style  of  book-keeping  by  double 
entry,  with  all  the  rules  of  banking  and  exchanges.  I  took 
from  the  case  the  large  and  handsomely  bound  book  marked 
u  Ledger,"  for  the  purpose  of  seeing  a  statement  of  my  own 
account.  For  this  favor  I  had  asked  him  once  a  week  all  the 


JEFFERSON  S.     S ATKINS.  89 

time  we  had  been  in  business  together;  his  answer  invari 
ably  was,  "  It  is  not  posted,"  or,  "It  is  not  balanced."  Now 
I  determined  to  see  for  myself.  I  opened  it,  looked  at  the 
alphabet,  arid  found  on  the  first  page  "  Batkins,  J.  S." 
While  in  the  act  of  turning  the  leaf,  the  shutter  was  closed ; 
my  gentleman  clerk  entered,  and  took  the  book  from  my 
hands,  asking  me  what  the  devil  I  was  doing  with  his  account 
books. 

I  plucked  up  courage  to  reply  that  I  thought  I  had  as 
much  right  to  examine  the  books  as  anybody,  being  the  prin 
cipal  in  the  firm  of  Batkins  &  Co. 

"You  think  a  great  number  of  things,  Batkins,  and  so 
long  as  you  keep  your  thoughts  to  yourself,  they  will  harm 
nobody.  Have  you  told  anybody  what  you  saw  last  night  at 
the  Folly?" 

"I  have  not  seen  anybody  but  Aunt  Dolly  and  yourself; 
how  could  I  tell  anybody  ?  "  said  I,  losing  my  courage  some 
what. 

"  What  is  it  you  are  putting  down  in  a  book  you  carry  in 
your  pocket  every  day  ?  ' ' 

"  That  is  my  private  journal,  Mr.  Bean." 

"  Do  you  put  down  anything  to  my  debit  ?  " 

"  'To  your  debit  ?  —  what's  that  ?  "  I  asked  him. 

"  Why,  against  me.  I  saw  you  occasionally  writing  in  it 
last  night  at  the  supper." 

"  Yes,  the  speech  Mr.  Spring  made."     I  had  done  this. 

"  Let  me  see  that  book,  Mr.  Batkins." 

"No,  Mr.  Bean,"  said  I;  "  it  is  a  private  journal  I  keep. 
It  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  store  or  the  firm.'7 

"  Do  you  want  to  be  thrown  from  a  wagon  again,  Mr.  Bat- 
kins?  "  and  here  he  clenched  his  hand,  putting  it  close  to  my 
eyes>  as  he  did  on  a  former  occasion,  in  reply  to  an  inquiry 
I  made  as  to  what  was  the  cause  of  the  contusion  to  my  face. 
I  had  made  some  remarks  as  to  what  I  thought  of  Mr.  Bean  in 


90  LIFE    OF 

the  case  of  the  sea-captain's  wife,  and  I  refused  to  give  him 
the  !>ook. 

"Well,"'  said  he,  "I  don't  know  as  anybody  could  read 
your  stupid  scrawl.  So  this  time  I  let  you  off;  but  be  care 
ful  you  don't  put  anything  I  say  or  do  to  you,  on  any  piece 
of  paper,  or  I  will  send  you  off  the  bridge  to  look  after  the 
runaway  horse  and  wagon."  He  went  to  the  back  of  the  store, 
lit  the/  lamp  in  the  lantern,  and  came  back  to  the  counting- 
room. 

"  Now 'we  will  look  over  the  books,  Batkins,"  he  continued. 
"You  mean  about  right;  but  you  are  the  greenest  man  of 
your  age  I  ever  saw.  Why  don't  you  get  married  to  some 
smart  woman,  and  let  her  put  you  up  to  a  thing  or  two? 
Now  I  am  ready  —  go  ahead.  What  will  you  do  first?" 
He  pulled  down  the  great  ledger  again. 

"  Mr.  Bean,  first  I  want  to  know  how  we  stand  ;  how  much 
my  share  of  the  profits  of  the  business  is,  and  then  I  want 
you  to  pay  it  to  me  in  hard  money ;  and,  if  there  is  anything 
due  to  .you,  I  want  you  to  pay  yourself,  and  leave  the  store  to 
me.  I  will  settle  with  my  father  and  "Mrs.  Simms'  man;  " 
that  is,  your  friend,  Mr.  Andriss." 

"  Yes;  Mr.  Batkins,  I  see  ;  I  have  closed  the  ledger  on  the 
account  of  the  firm.  I  have  prepared  the  statements  of 
all  our  accounts,  joint  and  personal,  with  the  trial-balance 
sheet,  all  ready  for  your  examination,  and  here  they  are." 
He  laid  the  papers  on  the  desk.  "I  don't  suppose  you  can 
understand  much  about  it ;  but  this  is  about  the  way  the 
thing  stands :  Stock  cost  originally  six  thousand  dollars  ; 
profits,  nominally,  say  about  one  thousand  dollars  per  year, 
to  be  divided  into  three  parts,  —  Mr.  Andriss,  Mr.  Jethro 
Batkins,  Mr.  J.  S.  Batkins,  have  each  a  third  for  four  years, 
nine  months,  eighteen  days  to  date,  April  1.  The  other  part 
ners  have  drawn  up,  besides,  their  interest  on  capital  invested, 
and  fifteen  per  cent,  allowed  for  depreciation  of  stock.  ' 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  91 

"There's  your  account,  Mr.  Batkins,  and  here  is  mine. 
When  these  are  settled  to  your  satisfaction,  there  will  be  no 
trouble  about  Mr.  Aridriss  or  Mr.  Jethro  Batkins." 

I  opened  the  paper,  and  read  as  follows  :  — 

J.  S.  BATKINS,  DR. 

April  1.     To  balance  of  salary  account,   ....  $2,375  00 

"             "         counterfeit  money  account,           .  3,000  00 
"  bills  guaranteed  by  J.  T.  B.,  as  per  deferred 

account  between,           .....  650  00 

"  bill  Mrs.  ,  charged  to  J.  S.  Batkins,        .  COO  00 

"  balance  due  Mr.  Bean,  as  per  account,            .  2,00  00 

$8,625  00 

PER  CONTRA,  OR. 

Services  to  date,  at  $500    per  year,   four    years,   nine 

months,  eighteen  days, $2,397  50 

Share  of  profits,  net,          . 1,GGC  67 

One.-third  value  of  stock  at  valuation,       .         .       $6000  00  >  <».,  ,-nn  ftrt 

Less  15  per  cent.,  900  00  $  $1>'0< 

For  expenses  of  sickness  in  service  'of  firm,  as  per  Dr. 

Slawter's  bill, 10  50 

For  a  hat  injured  collecting  a  bill, 3  00       . 

llepairing  boots,  etc., 75 

$5,778  42 


Balance  due  J.  S.  Batkins  &  Co., $2,846  58 

I  remarked,  c '  Mr.  Bean,  how  is  this  ?  You  make  it  out 
that  I  am  in  debt  to  the  firm." 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Batkins,  that  appears  to  be  about  how  it  is. 
Upon  examining  my  account,  you  will  see  how  we  stand." 

I  opened  the  paper,  and  read  as  follows  :  — 

MR.  J.  S.  BATKINS,  TO  ARISTARCIIUS  BEAN,  DR. 

April  1.     To  advice  and  instruction  at  sundry  times,  book 
keeping,  and  mercantile  transactions,    .         .  $500  00 
To  damages  done  to  a  lady,  compromised  by  Mr. 

Bean,     .    •     .  500  00 

To  concealing  the  cause  of  his  accident,    .         .  500  00 

$1,500  00 


92  LIFE   OF 

I  looked  at  Bean  and  at  the  papers.     I  was  as  if  thunder 
struck.     My  breath  nearly  left  me.      "  I  do  not   know  about 
these  accounts,  Mr.  Bean."  I  said.      "It  appears  to  me  there 
is  something  wrong  in  all  these  figures.      I  do  not  see,  as  I  have 
only  drawn  my  salary,  and  you   luive  handled  all  the   money, 
how  I  can  owe  you,  or  the  firm  either." 

"  There  are  the  accounts,  Batkius.  You  wanted  a  settle 
ment  ;  you  wanted  to  close  the  concern,  and  get  rid  of  me. 
This  is  all  the  way  you  can  do  it.  No  use  of  talking.  My 
books  are  correct.  You  can  pay  back  your  salary,  redeem 
the  counterfeit  money  in  ca.sh.  and  I  will  take  your  note  for 
my  private  account,  endorsed  by  your  father,  at  six  months, 
with  interest." 

11 1  shall  do  no  such  thing,  Mr.  Bean.  I  am  the  head  of 
the  firm,  and  you  are  only  my  clerk.  I  shall  talk  with  Mr. 
Andriss  and  my  father  before  I  settle.  You  are  trying  to 
cheat  me,  Bean." 

II  Batkins,  if  you  say  a  word   to  Mr.  Andriss   or  to  your 
fathcc,   before  we  settle,    there   will    be  another  job    for  Dr. 
Slawter,  and  perhaps  for  the  lawyers  too.     I  will  advise  the 
sea-captain's  wife  to   bring  an  action  against  you,  as  sure  as 
you  are  born."  , 

I  said,  i;  Mr.  Bean,  I  have  been  deceived  in  you." 
He  whistled,  and  wrote  in  his  book.  I  had  no  idea  of 
paying  back  my  salary,  for  the  fact  was  I  had  expended  a  part 
lor  my  expenses ;  not  much,  to  be  sure.  I  had  signed  no 
paper  that  bound  me  to  pay  any  losses.  I  had  no  property 
except  the  cash,  and  I  felt  like  standing  up  in  my  boots 
against  paying,  until  I  knew  more  about  it.  To  be  sure,  my 
father  had  endorsed  some  notes  for  me;  but  Mr.  Bean  said 
they  were  all  paid  but  two.  I  had  known  some  of  our  neigh 
bors,  who  had  been  ruined  by  signing  for  other  people,  but  I 
did  not  object  when  Mr.  Bean  asked  my  father  to  sign  for  me ; 
for,  as  we  were  making  money  all  the  time,  I  did  not  see  that 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  93 

my  father  was  in  any  danger  of  losing  his  farm  while  I  knew 
what  was  going  on,  and  I  supposed  he  did.  I  told  Mr.  Bean 
that  we  would  not  20  any  further  into  the  matter,  and  if  it  was 
all  right,  there  would  be  no  difficulty  in  settling. 

Mr.  Bean  was  angry.  He  said  to  me,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  there 
are  the  accounts  ;  pay  back  the  salary,  settle  the  counterfeit 
money  charge,  give  me  for  the  creditors  the  stock  and  lease  of 
the  store  just  renewed,  and  I  have  no  more  to  say ;  but  if  you 
offer  to  take  any  legal  advice,  I  will  publish  in  the  '  County 
Gazette  '  a  full  account  of  your  intriguing  amour  with  the  sea- 
captain's  wife,  with  fhe  contradiction  of  the  wagon  accident, 
which  I  will  say  I  put  in  at  your  request,  and  also  show  by 
the  books  the  extravagant  supply  of  merchandise  furnished  by 
you  to  this  lady  of  the  nankin  habit  and  gypsy  hat." 

"  I  furnished  her,  Mr.  Bean?  " 

"Yes,  you.  Here  it  is;  just  look  at  the  amount  of  the 
last  charges  which  you  pretended  you  were  going  to  collect. 
Here  it  is  in  the  book,  sir,  copy  from  your  original  entry  : 
t  Mrs.  -  — ,  sea-captain's  wife.'  I  told  you,  sir,  I  did 
not  think  it  was  safe  to  -give  her  so  large  credit  without  an 
order  from  her  husband ;  but  you  said  you  thought  she  was 
an  honest  woman,  so  that  the  lirra  would  not  lose  by  the  oper 
ation.  There  it  is,  charged  to  you,  J.  S.  Batkins,  and  so 
carried  through  all  the  books.  Now,  you  go  to  law,  if  you 
like  ;  the  books,  sir,  are  not  to  be  disputed.  I  kept  them,  sir. 
I  kept  them." 

Although  I  did  not  understand  book-keeping  by  double 
entry,  I  saw  clearly  this  fellow  had  me  at  disadvantage.  I 
did  not  at  that  time  understand  fully  the  meaning  of  "  intriguing 
amour."  When  I  went  home  I  asked  Aunt  Dolly.  She 
could  not  inform  me.  I  did  not  care  to  ask  my  father ;  but 
by  searching  in  old  "  Bailey's  Dictionary  "  I  made  it  out. 

Now,  as  the  reader  knows,  his  story  was  all  false ;  but  that 
terrible  idea  of  documentary  evidence  frightened  me  into  a 


94  LIFE    OF 

capitulation.  I  attempted  a  laugh,  to  convince  Mr.  Bean  that 
I  saw  through  his  plan  ;  and  so  I  did,  far  enough  to  see  that 
he  intended  to  cheat  me,  and  would  probably  succeed.  Mr. 
Bean  muttered  between  his  teeth,  "  You  will  not  laugh  that 
way.  but  out  of  the  other  side  of  your  mouth,  when  you  get 
into  jail  for  your  frolics.  The  captain  is  expected  home  in  a 
month  or  so,  and  if  this  gets  to  his  ears,  I  would  not  give 
much  for  you." 

This  did  put  a  bad  sort  of  look  upon  matters,  although, 
for  I  have  told  the  whole  truth,  anybody  could  see  I  was  the 
victim  instead  of  an  evil-doer.  I  made  another  attempt  to  get 
a  fair  settlement,  and  said,  "Mr.  Bean,  I  have  a  proposition 
to  make.  I  will  leave  this  out  to  three  honest  men  to  settle 
the  whole  concern." 

11  Certainly,  Mr.  Batkins,  but  what  will  you  gain  by  that? 
"We  shall  have  to  show  the  books  to  the  referees  just  the  same." 

"  Well,  then,  let  Mr.  Andriss  and  my  father,  who  are  part 
ners,  settle  our  accounts." 

"  They  are  riot  partners;  they  furnished  the  stock;  their 
accounts  are  made  up,"  said  Bean, 'playing  with  a  pen  held 
between  his  lips,  and  whistling  occasionally  through  the 
feathered  edge  of  his  financial  sceptre. 

I  asked  him  who  received  the  other  two-thirds  profits. 

"  Unless  we  get  them  from  you,  there  is  nothing  to  divide  ; 
if  there  is  any,  the  amount  would  belong  to  me,  as  the  manag 
ing  partner  of  the  firm  of  Batkins  &  Co." 

"  I  agreed  to  give  you  a  salary  for  your  services." 

"I  know  you  did, — a  small  one,  five  hundred  dollars  a 
year." 

"  Well,  that  was  all  I  had,  and  my  name  was  on  the  sign  as 
the  head  of  the  firm." 

"  That  was  more  than  you  were  worth.  I  have  named  the 
terms  of  settlement :  you  can  have  until  to-morrow  night  to 
decide.  I  intend  to  shut  up  the  store,  according  to  the  notice 


JEFFERSON  S.    E ATKINS.  95 

on  the  shutter.  You  can  go  home  and  work  on  the  figures, 
and  perhaps,  with  the  light  I  have  given  you,  you  will  see  it 
all  right:  but,  Batkins,  don't  you  go  to  any  lawyer;  don't  you 
bother  Mr.  Andriss;  don't  disturb  your  father  with  any  idea 
that  there  is  any  screw  loose.  Mind  what  I  tell  you,  or  you 
will  see  in  the  next  issue  of  the  '  County  Gazette  '  an  account 
of  the  failure  of  the  firm  of  J.  S.  Batkins  &  Co. ;  and  when 
the  true  state  of  the  affairs  of  the  sea-captain's  wife  is  made 
public,  the  cause  of  your  bankruptcy  will  'be  clear  to  your 
friends  and  creditors." 

I  believe,  when  he  had  finished,  my  hair  positively  stood 
up  like  a  brush.  I  was  stupefied.  He  put  on  his  hat,  jostled 
me  to  the  door,  put  me  outside  and  locked  it.  "  Excuse  me, 
Batkins,"  said  he;  "  I  am  busy;  I  will  call  up  and  see  you 
in  the  course  of  the  evening.  Don't  you  open  the  store  to-day 
with  your  key.  Good-morning." 

Away  he  went,  whistling,  across  the  road.  Seth  Spring 
met  him.  After  a  few  words  of  conversation,  they  walked 
together,  arm  in  arm,  I  suppose,  to  the  new  bank,  for  they 
were  going  in  that  direction.  I  watched  them  until  a  turn  in 
the  road  shut  them  from  my  sight.  Lest  I  should  forget  some 
of  Bean's  remarks,  I  put  them  down  in  my  pocket-book,  put 
my  papers  in  my  coat-pocket,  and  was  about  to  return  to  the 
homestead  in  a  very  uneasy  state  of  mind.  A  gentleman  came 
up  to  me.  I  had  not  seen  him  until  he  was  at  my  side.  He 
said,  "Good-day.  Mr.  Batkins,  I  believe  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir.  You  4iava  the  advantage  of  me.  I  do  not  re 
member  to  have  had  the  pleasure  to  meet  you  before." 

"  No,  sir;  but  I  was  sure  it  was  you.  My  name  is  Reedy. 
I  am  from  Boston  on  some  business  for  the  banks.  Your 
father,  I  believe,  is  a  justice  of  the  peace?  " 

I  said  he  was,  and  a  coroner  too.  I  thought  I  would  give 
the  old  gentleman  another  lift  on  the  ofiices.  Mr.  Reedy  ap 
peared  to  have  a  smart  way  with  him,  as  most  of  the  people 


96  LIFE    OF 

did,  who  came  from  Boston.  I  continued:  "Did  you  como 
to  see  my  father  on  justice  business,  or  on  coroner's  business, 
Mr.  Reedy?" 

"  I  do  not  know  yet,  Mr.  Batkins ;  perhaps  neither,  and 
perhaps  both." 

I  said,  "  Are  you  a  lawyer  ?  " 

"  I  am  not." 

I  put  further  queries  to  him:  "  Do  you  understand  book 
keeping  by  double  entry  ?  " 

"I  do,"  he  replied. 

"  Well,  sir,  what  do  you  want  of  me  ?  " 

"  A  little  private  conversation,  Mr.  Batkins,  for  which,  for 
convenience'  sake,  if  you  have  no  objection,  I  should  be  happy 
to  go  with  you  into  your  store." 

I  explained  to  him,  briefly,  the  state  of  affairs  at  the  store ; 
that  my  clerk  had  the  key,  and  until  his  return  I  could  not 
get  in. 

"  Well,  anywhere  but  the  street  will  do,"  said  he. 

The  idea  came  to  me  that  if  he  understood  book-keeping 
by  double  entry,  he  could  explain  to  me  about  the  trial-balance, 
and  perhaps  advise  me  how  to  get  ahead  of  Bean,  without  the 
books,  or  knowing  anything  about  the  sea-captain's  wife ;  so, 
without  any  further  ceremony,  I  invited  him  to  the  homestead. 
He  accepted  the  invitation,  and  together  we  walked  home. 


JEFFERSON  S.    R  ATKINS.  97 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE    HOMESTEAD. 

THE  homestead  of  the  Batkins'  family  was  well  known  to 
the  people  of  Cranberry  Centre.  The  house  was  two  stories 
high  in  that  part  fronting  the  highway ;  the  roof  descended  to 
the  rear  to  within  six  feet  of  the  ground.  It  was  after  the  pat 
tern  of  many  wooden  structures  erected  in  the  country  a  hun 
dred  years  ago,  with,  as  usual,  a  heavy  stack  of  brick  chimneys 
in  the  centre,  up  the  flues  of  which,  mixed  with  the  smoke  of 
hundreds  of  cords  of  hickory  and  pine  wood,  had  been  carried 
the  vapors  of  many  a  savory  dinner  eliminated  in  the  process  of 
cookery  and  upon  which  the  Batkins'  family  and  their  friends 
had  thriven  and  waxed  fat.  My  grandfather's  vanity  had  been 
a  large  barn ;  this  was  preserved,  as  had  been  the  old  cider-mill 
and  well  with  the  old  sweep  and  iron-hooped  bucket.  These, 
I  have  no  doubt,  in  the  season  of  cider-making,  had  been  used 
to  assist  the  yield  of  the  pomace  when  put  under  the  press,  after 
the  fashion  of  the  day,  forming  that  stimulating  fluid  resident 
in  the  juice  of  the  apple,  so  welcome  to  the  farmer  during  a 
hard  day's  work,  or  at  the  fireside  gathering  on  a  winter's  even 
ing,  where  the  past,  the  present,  and  sometimes  the  future  are 
discussed  as  the  mug  of  old  orchard  passes  from  hand  to  hand. 
This  beverage  has  since  been  made  contraband  by  legislation. 
From  time  to  time  additions  had  been  made  to  the  old  house ;  a 
considerable  space  of  soil  was  covered  by  new  buildings  of  various 
shapes  and  dimensions,  until  that  composite  style  of  Yankee 
architecture,  so  frequently  seen  in  New  England  villages,  had 
been  arrived  at,  illustrative  of  the  different  phases  of  rural  life, 


98 


LIFE    OF 


as  wealth  and  family  had  increased,  since  the  original  founder 
ventured  to  marry  and  invite  his  neighbors  to  the  raising  of 
the  little  new  house,  in  which  were  enjoyed  the  festivities 
usually  closing  such  occasions. 

We  had  no  carpets  on  our  floors ;  here  and  there  were  ovals 
and  squares  made  from  braided  rags  of  different  colors  and 
patterns,  sewed  in  circles  and  other  figures,  —  some  by  my 
grandmother,  a  few  by  my  mother,  and  the  more  modern 
styles  by  Aunt  Dolly.  I  do  not  think  it  necessary  to  describe 
everything  in  the  best  room,  or  to  give  a  list  of  our  rooms  and 
household  furniture. 

Hanging  over  the  fireplace  in  the  best  room  was  a  picture 
in  a  handsome  frame,  said  to  be  the  coat-of-arms  of  the  Bat- 
kins  family.  Written  on  a  piece  of  paper  and  pasted  on 


the  back  of  the  picture  was  an  explanation,  partly  in  Latin, 
partly  in  French.  The  doctor  gave  the  meaning  one  way,  the 
minister  another,  the  school-master  another.  Above  is  a  copy 
of  the  picture,  which  may  explain  itself. 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  99 

Upon  a  peg  in  a  beam,  opposite  the  fireplace,  near  the  wall, 
was  suspended  by  the  collar  a  military  uniform  coat,  worn  by  my 
grandfather  —  a  military  genius  —  in  the  Indian  skirmishes 
and  in  the  Revolutionary  war  of  '76.  Attached  to  the  breast 
of  the  coat  was  a  leaden  bullet  that  killed  one  of  my  distant  rel 
atives  who  had  been  in  the  fight  of  Bunker  Hill.  My  grand 
father  had  a  gold  ring  put  to  it,  and  fastened  it  to  his  watch- 
chain  with  his  keys  and  seals,  as  people  now  wear  different 
ornaments  as  keepsakes.  The  coat-of-arms  and  the  bullet 
were  the  objects  of  pride  to  my  father,  and  discoursed  upon 
when  strangers  visited  the  homestead.  Here  a  race  of  Bat- 
kinses  were  born,  reared,  and  died.  Weddings,  births,  funer 
als,  and  other  family  meetings  and  merry-makings  had  been 
celebrated  and  talked  of  for  years.  We  had  chairs  and  tables, 
a  clock  that  struck,  kept  the  day  of  the  month,  and  to  my 
surprise,  when  I  was  a  youngster,  it  had  a  moon  that  changed 
through  the  quarters  and  came  out  full  as  regularly  as  the 
moon  out-doors  did,  and  does  it  to  this  day. 

On  the  way  from  the  store  I  had  given  Mr.  Reedy  some 
account  of  our  family.  When  we  arrived  at  home  I  walked 
with  him  into  the  best  room,  and  introduced  him  to  my  father, 
who,  as  he  termed  it,  was  a  little  set  up,  —  not  having  quite 
recovered  from  the  effects  of  the  strong  wine  so  liberally  pro 
vided  at  Simms'  Folly. 

My  father  was  glad  to  see  Mr.  Reedy,  as  he  was  anybody 
from  Boston ;  and  although  the  delivery  of  words  from  his 
mouth  was  not  as  rapid  as  usual,  he  still  managed  to  inquire 
for  some  of  his  old  friends,  who  made  Boston  their  home.  As 
Mr.  Reedy's  visit  was  upon  business,  I  retired,  that  their  con 
versation  might  not  be  interrupted. 

At  this  moment  Aunt  Dolly  entered  the  room ;  seeing  that 
my  father  had  company,  she  was  about  retiring.  But  my 
father  requested  her  to  remain,  and  introduced  her  to  Mr. 


100  LIFE    OF 

Reedy,    saying,    "Miss    Spooner,    this   is   Mr.   Reedy,    from 
Boston." 

Aunt  Dolly  hoped  Mr.  Reedy  was  well,  and  inquired  how 
all  the  folks  did  in  Boston;  said  she  "  had  just  come  from  the 
kitchen,  and  was  riot  fit  to  be  seen." 

Mr.  Reedy  complimented  Aunt  Dolly  on  her  appearance. 
My  father  said,  "  Mr.  Reedy  wants  to  inquire  something 
about  Marthy  that  used  to  live  here,"  —  his  way  of  pronounc 
ing  Martha,  —  Aunt  Dolly  did  the  same,  saying,  "I  never 
knew  any  good  of  her." 

My  father.  Aunt  Dolly,  arid  Mr.  Reedy  were  hard  at  work 
with  their  tongues.  After  a  short  time  Aunt  Dolly  left  them, 
saying,  <£I  wish  you  good-day,  sir,"  as  she  passed  me  at  the 
door  repeating  to  herself  some  kind  of  left-handed  blessing 
upon  Martha,  in  her  expressive  judgment  "  a  good-for-nothing 
hussy  !  "  thus  finishing  her  somewhat  excited  speech. 

Many  of  the  neighbors  visited  Aunt  Dolly,  and  not  a  few 
of  the  young  women  consulted  her  about  the  mysteries  of 
knitting,  cake-making,  and  other  of  the  household  fine  arts. 
I  never  had  much  talk  with  them,  and  I  did  not  exactly  then 
understand  the  way  the  girls  manoeuvred  whefl  they  wanted 
to  give  a  young  man  a  chance  to  do  a  little  courting,  if  his 
fancy  ran  that  way.  Looking  back,  I  see  where  I  missed  the 
chances,  and  if  Aunt  Dolly  had  not  figured  against  the  girls 
when  they  were  round  the  house,  I  dare  say  I  should  have  had 
a  chance  to  know  more  about  it.  I  did  catch  myself  once  feel 
ing  after  the  fashion  I  did  with  Sally  Trivetts  ;  a  little  more  re 
spectable  kind  of  emotion,  I  do  think,  but  still  much  of  the  same 
sort.  It  was  about  Miss  Pike  who  had  relations  in  Boston  ;  some 
of  them  went  from  Cranberry  Centre,  and  settled  there.  Just  as 
I  entered  the  house  with  Mr.  Reedy.  Miss  Pike  was  going  out. 
She  was  none  of  your  airy  and  flaunting  girls,  but  as  prim  as 
a  minister's  daughter.  The  nearest  she  ever  came  to  saying 
anything  that  I  thought  showed  an  interest  in  my  welfare,  was 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  101 

just  before  she  went  to  Boston.  She  said,  "  Mr.  Batkins, 
Aunt  Dolly  is  getting  old ;  if  your  father  don't  get  married 
pretty  soon,  and  bring  home  somebody  to  look  after  things, 
you  will  have  to  get  married,  or  hire  a  new  house-keeper;  " 
and  I  really  thought  she  looked  as  much  as  to  say,  "You  can 
have  me  for  the  asking."  I  do  not  know  but  I  did  her  injus 
tice.  I  know  she  refused  good  offers,  and  left  Cranberry 
Centre  with  the  reputation  of  being  a  nice  old  maid. 

My  father  left  the  room,  as  he  said,  to  look  over  some  docu 
ments  connected  with  Mr.  Reedy 's  business  at  the  homestead. 
I  thought  I  would  now  get  Mr.  Heedy's  opinion  as  to  Mr. 
Bean's  book-keeping  by  double  entry.  I  then  explained  a 
part  of  Mr.  Bean's  propositions,  and  how  matters  stood  between 
Mr.  Bean  and  myself.  He  looked  at  me  with  a  very  curious 
twinkle  of  his  eye.  and  a  good-natured  twist  of  the  mouth, 
then  at  the  papers  which  I  had  placed  in  his  hand.  He  in 
quired  of  me  how  long  Mr.  Bean  had  been  in  Cranberry 
Centre,  and  what  had  been  his  character.  I  gave  him  all  the 
information  in  my  power.  Something  seemed  to  amuse  him. 

"Mr.  Batkins,  this  appears  to  be  the  work  of  some  adroit 
person,  who  w*wld  cover  up  his  intentions  of  making  a  false 
account.  Where  are  your  books?  " 

I  replied,  "  They  are  at  the  store." 

"  Without  an  examination  of  the  books,  lean  give  you  no 
assistance  in  discovering  the  errors,  if  there  are  any.  I 
notice  here  you  are  charged  with  an  amount  of  counterfeit 
money.  Was  dealing  in  counterfeit  money  any  part  of  your 
business  ?  " 

"Not  at  all."  I  then  explained  to  him  Mr.  Bean's  views 
on  that  point. 

"  What  have  you  been  doing  to  displease  Mr.  Bean,  Mr. 
Batkins  ?  " 

I  replied,  "Nothing;  he  has  been  doing  many  things  to 
displease  me.  I  never  did  anything  that  I  ought  to  be 


102  LIFE    OF 

ashamed  of,  but  Mr.  Bean  threatens  to  say  I  have  ;  and,  if 
he  does  as  he  says  he  will  do,  I  shall  never  dare  to  show  my 
face  in  Cranberry  Centre  again."  I  related  to  him  the  affair 
of  the  sea-captain's  wife,  wragon  story  and  all.  as  far  as  I  was 
concerned,  in  what  I  should  now  call  an  allegorical  way  :  that 
is,  1  asked  Mr.  Reedy  to  suppose  it  was  somebody  else  who 
had  been  in  such  a  scrape,  and  that  Bean  said  he  would  give 
an  affidavit,  if  necessary,  that  I  was  the  person. 

Mr.  Reedy  gave  me  a  sort  of  a  droll  look  all  over,  from 
my  head  to  my  fe.et.  "Mr.  Batkins,  I  do  not  desire  to 
inquire  into  any  secrets  of  yours ;  but  unless  you  have  the 
courage  to  face  Mr.  Beau  in  a  court  of  law,  I  think  you  had 
better  make  some  settlement  with  him;  and  I  should  like  to 
be  concealed  somewhere,  with  the  opportunity  to  witness  your 
negotiation." 

I  said,  "Mr.  Reedy,  do  you  advise,  after  losing  my  share 
of  the  stock,  that  I  should  pay  him  back  my  salary  ?  " 

Mr.  Reedy  said,  "I  do,  Mr.  Batkifis,  if  you  cannot  make 
better  terms." 

u  May  I  ask  you,  Mr.  Reedy,  why  you  want  to  be  concealed 
when  we  make  the  settlement?  "  « 

"  I  desire  to  study  the  character  of  Mr.  Bean." 

I  asked  him  if  he  saw  anything  peculiar  about  me,  why  I 
should  be  selected  to  be  so  dreadfully  imposed  upon  by  Mr. 
Bean. 

He  put  on  one  of  those  droll  squints,  and  said,  "  Mr. 
Batkins,  you  have  a  countenance  expressive  of  great  honesty 
and  timidity,  and  I  should  judge  you  were  a  person  of  very 
confiding  character.  I  do  not  think  you  were  intended  by 
nature  to  engage  in  business  of  a  very  complicated  kind,  and, 
to  be  frank,  your  education  has  not  improved  you  sufficiently 
to  enable  you  to  compete  with  such  an  able  financier  as  Mr. 
Boa n.  I  do  not  know  what  I  may  hear  at  your  interview 
with  Mr.  Bean.  My  presence  concealed  can  do  no  harm,  and 


JEFFERSON  S.    B4TK1NS.  103 

may  be  productive  of  good.  If  I  might  suggest  a  time  and 
place  to  close  this  settlement,  I  would  name  this  evening,  and 
in  this  room." 

I  said  to  him,  "  I  will  follow  jour  advice  ;  if  you  will  take 
dinner  with  us  to-day,  in  plain  farmer-fashion,  I  shall  be 
pleased  to  have  you." 

"I  have  promised  as  much  to  your  father,  who  was  polite 
enough  to  anticipate  you  in  the  matter  of  invitation ;  if  my 
business  here  permits,  I  will  accept  your  hospitality.  Good- 
morning,  Mr.  Batkins,"  he  said  pleasantly. 

"  Good-morning,  Mr.  Reedy,"  I  said,  with  a  blue  look  at 
the  papers  he  handed  back  to  me  as  he  left  the  room. 

I  went  upstairs  to  my  sleeping  apartment,  where  all  my 
treasures  were  kept,  and  examined  my  stock  of  specie ;  I  did  not 
require  any  trial-balance  to  prove  the  state  of  my  finances. 
All  I  received  was  on  one  side  of  the  days  in  the  old  almanac, 
and  what  I  spent  on  the  other.  Every  month  I  footed  it  up, 
and  there  was  just  what  I  was  worth,  with  the  exception  of 
my  interest  in  the  store,  some  sheep,  and  other  little  matters 
about  the  homestead.  As  I  looked  at  my  savings,  I  did  hate 
dreadfully  the  idea  of  their  going  into  Bean's  hands;  and  I 
am  not  going  to  deny,  at  this  day,  that  I  felt  something  be 
sides  the  loss  of  my  money  whispering  into  my  ears  that  Mr. 
Bean  would  be  served  justly  if  he  was  hung  to  death  or 
killed  in  some  other  unpleasant  way.  If  I  was  drawn  on  the 
jury,  I  would  not  convict  a  man  of  murder,  who  should  be 
tried  for  killing  such  a  snipe  as  I  thought  Bean  was,  under 
circumstances  similar  to  mine. 

I  made  up  my  mind  as  to  what  I  should  say  to  Bean  when 
the  time  came.  After  a  long  "session,"  — I  did  not  think  it 
was  a  "session  "  then,  you  understand;  that  word  crept  out 
of  my  mind  on  to  the  paper,  in  consequence  of  my  future 
position,  which  need  not  be  further  explained,  and  I  shall  let 
the  word  "  stand  "  as  "  reported,"  — there  it  is  again  ! 


104  77FK    Of 

I  went  down  to  the  eating-room ;  Mr.  Reedy  had  returned. 
Aunt  Dolly  had  roasted  a  pair  of  fowls,  and  boiled  a  hand  of 
pork,  with  such  trimmings  as  she  ' '  knew  could  not  be  had  out  of 
a  thrifty  farmer's  house,"  as  she  said,  "for  love  nor  money." 
There  were  puddings  and  pies,  nice  pickles  and  jams,  with  all 
the  nick-nacks  that  go  in  to  make  a  country  dinner  inviting  to 
those  who  are  more  fond  of  something  to  eat  than  the  sight  of 
handsome  platters  and  gewgaws,  with  no  substantial  proven 
der. 

Aunt  Dolly,  in  her  best  "bib  and  tucker,"  sat  at  the  head 
of  the  table,  while  the  "hired  help,"  a  buxom  girl  of  twenty 
years,  fixed  up  for  the  occasion,  waited  on  us,  not  perhaps 
exactly  in  the  fashion  of  a  Boston  tavern,  but  with  alacrity 
and  good  humor. 

Mr.  Reedy  praised  Aunt  Dolly's  cookery,  exhibiting  the 
sincerity  of  his  compliments  by  the  quantity  of  fowls  and 
pork  he  removed  from  his  plate  to  his  own  interior  man,  in 
obedience,  as  he  said,  to  the  fine  appetite  a  walk  about  the 
town  had  given  him. 

My  father's  eating  activity,  as  usual,  was  not  in  proportion 
to  his  drinking :  but  at  this  time,  as  it  was  only  cider  that  he 
caused  to  disappear  from  the  ample  dinner-pitcher,  to  be  sure, 
in  long  "swigs,"  as  he  termed  them,  I  had  no  fear  of  his 
tongue,  or,  in  fact,  of  his  behavior  in  any  form. 

It  was  observed  that  I  did  not  appear  to  have  a  good  appe 
tite.  I  excused  myself  in  the  best  way  I  could.  The  cur 
rent  of  my  thoughts  was  discovered,  but  not  remarked  upon. 
In  a  partially  abstracted  state,  to  Aunt  Dolly's  question,  if  I 
would  have  a  piece  of  pie,  I  replied,  "  Not  a  Lean"  That 
was  it,  —  Bean  was  in  my  mind.  He  stood  upon  every 
platter  on  the  table.  I  saw  his  head  pop  out  from  the  cider 
jug ;  I  swallowed  him  at  every  mouthful  I  attempted  to  take. 
The  dinner  was  finished  after  a  while,  and  I  waited  till  the 
arrival  of  Mr.  Bean,  which  was  not  long  after  the  candles 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  105 

were  lighted.  Mr.  Reedy  walked  into  a  closet  that  led  from 
our  best  room,  through  to  the  great  entry,  as  had  been  agreed 
upon,  just  as  Mr.  Bean  had  entered  the  door  of  the  .house.  I 
was  prepared  for  him  at  the  table,  in  the  drawer  of  which  I 
had  deposited  the  papers  which  were  to  be  discussed.  The 
knowledge  that  Mr.  Reedy  was  to  witness  $he  interview  gave 
me  some  courage,  and  I  had  determined  not  silently  to  be 
abused  by  the  overbearing  Mr.  Bean.  I  assumed  an  erect 
attitude  at  the  table,  and  in  reply  to  Bean's  salutation  of 
"  Good-evening,  Batkiris,"  I  mixed  up  as  much  defiant  expres 
sion  with  my  invitation  for  him  to  sit,  as  was  possible.  His 
keen  eye  had  observed  the  change  in  my  address  to  him  from 
the  morning's  timidity  to  the  evening's  scornful  indifference. 
"Who's  been  here,  Batkins?"  I  answered,  "Nobody  that 
need  concern  you."  -  "  Well,  Batkins,  short  stories. 
Where's  the  money?  I  have  no  time  to  waste;  hand  it  over. 
When  that  is  in  my  hands,  here's  your  discharge,  with  the 
notes  and  bills." 

He  laid  the  package  on  the  table,  neatly  folded  and  tied 
with  a  red-tape  string.  I  objected  to  having  the  bad  debts 
charged  to  my  personal  account.  I  objected  to  the  charge  of 
the  sea-captain's  wife's  bill.  Bean  stopped  me,  and  said  that 
was  all  right.  When  I  mentioned  that  I  thought,  even  if  it 
was  so,  I  might  offset  my  sickness,  loss  of  time,  and  suffering, 
he  stopped  me  again.  "  Batkins,  you  have  been  taking  legal 
advice.  Such  a  thing  would  never  have  entered  your  stupid 
head.  Look  on  the  credit  side.  I  have  allowed  you  the 
doctor's  bill,  for  the  hat  you  said  you  had  lost,  and  for 
repairing  your  boots.  Go  on  to  the  next." 

I  said,  "  Well,  Mr.  Bean,  I  am  not  satisfied,  but  I  will  go 
on  to  the  next."  I  then  inquired  about  his  bill  which  I  held 
in  my  hand,  and  I  asked  if  these  charges  against  me  were  en 
tered  in  the  books  of  the  firm.  He  said  "No;  that  was  a 
private  account."  I  said,  "You  never  taught  me  book-keep- 


106  LIFE    OF 

ing  by  double  entry.  I  never  did  anything  but  write  in  the 
paper  blotter."  Bean  said  that  was  not  his  fault.  I  had  no 
genius  for  book-keeping  or  commercial  pursuits,  and  when  he 
agreed  to  teach  me  business,  he  did  not  think  the  understand 
ing  was  that  .he  should  furnish  me  with  additional  brain-com 
prehensive  power^.  He  took  the  bill  from  my  hand,  threw  it 
upon  the  table,  saying,  "That  bill  is  right.  Go  ahead,  Bat- 
kins  !  I'm  in  a  hurry.'' 

After  a  moment's  consideration  I  separated  the  papers, 
singling  out  the  trial-balance  sheet  as  the  basis  of  operations. 
"Mr.  Bean,"  I  remarked  with  all  the  coolness  I  could  com 
mand,  "  I  don't  quite  understand  this.  I  want  a  little  more 
explanation." 

Bean  started  up.  "I  thought  all  was  settled;  that  all  I 
had  to  do  was  to  come  this  evening  and  take  the  balance.  Do 
you  think  I  am  a  fool,  Batkins?  Come,  hand  over."  He  sat 
down,  throwing  his  feet  upon  the  table-top,  repeating  in  a 
slower  tone,  "Hand  over  the  balance,  Batkins,  and  we  are 
quits." 

"  Mr.  Bean,  I  have  changed  my  mind  as  to  this  matter  a 
little.  I  am  willing  to  do  what's  right  •  but  I  shall  not  give 
up  all  my  salary.  I  will  go  to  law  first,  captain's  wife  or 
no  captain's  wife." 

Down  went  his  feet  from  the  table.  He  rose  from  the 
chair.  "Batkins,  somebody  has  been  talking  to  you.  You 
have  been  taking  legal  advice." 

"I  have  taken  no  legal  advice,  Mr.  Bean;  but  I  have  in 
quired  of  a  friend  of  mine  from  Boston  as  to  the  items  on 
your  bills,  and  he  says  the  charge  for  counterfeit  money 
should  not  be  made  against  my  part  of  the  account ;  if  it  was 
charged  to  profit  and  loss,  one-third  would  come  from  me,  and 
that  is  all." 

"I  did  not  come  here  to  open  these  accounts  again,  Bat- 
kins." 


JEFFE11SON  S.    BATKINS.  107 

"  If  I  have  to  pay  for  the  counterfeit  money  I  want  it,  Mr. 
Bean.  I  never  took  any  of  it." 

"  That  is  destroyed,  of  course.  You  do  not  suppose  I 
would  permit  it  to  be  circulated  again,  do  you  ?  Come,  hand 
over." 

"Well,  now,  Mr.  Bean,  put  it  in  another  manner.  I  can 
not  afford  to  settle  in  this  way." 

1  '  Batkins,  I  always  knew  you  was  a  fool ;  but  I  did  not 
think  you  was  a  sneak.  I  rather  think  I  shall  let  things  go 
till  the  sea-captain  comes  home,  and  let  him  haul  you  over  the 
coals.  What  a  pretty  story  for  the  '  County  Gazette '  ! 
'  The  ancient,  injured  mariner  versus  J.  S.  Batkins,  —  the 
smooth-faced,  double-dyed  villain ! '  How  would  you  like 
that  kind  of  talk  about  you  ?  '  Not  the  first  of  his  villanies,' 
will  be  the  editorial  comment,  and  I  the  witness  of  your  prof 
ligacy;  'bring  down  the  gray  hairs  of  your  father  with 
sorrow  to  the  grave.'  How  do  you  like  the  souncl  of  that, 
Batkins?" 

I  was  horrified,  and  Mr.  Reedy  was  listening  to  this  all.  I 
thought  I  must  do  something  to  make  it  appear  that  I  was  not 
completely  a  coward.  "Bean,  I  tell  you  I  don't  care  any 
thing  about  the  stories.  I  am  determined  not  to  be  swindled  ; 
but  if  you  will  take  five  hundred  dollars  and  make  it  square 
all  round,  I'll  give  as  much  as  that  to  settle,  and  be  clear  of 
you  forever." 

"  I  can't  afford  it,  Batkins ;  for  five  hundred  dollars  I  will 
give  you  the  papers,  and  sign  off  for  all  demands  ;  but  unless 
you  pay  the  whole,  I'll  follow  you  up  on  the  sea-captain's  wife. 
I  advise  you  to  make  a  whole  thing  of  it,  and  I  give  you  my 
honor  that  I  will  be  shady  on  the  wagon  story  forever,  unless 
you  play  some  trick  with  me." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Bean,  give  me  the  receipt;  there's  the  money." 
Prom  a  drawer  I  took  a  bag  with  exactly  five  hundred  dollars, 


108  LIFE    OF 

and  placed  it  on  the  table.     He  was  busy  writing.      "  I  want 
the  books  of  the  firm,  Mr.  Bean,"  I  added. 

"  Certainly,  that's  fair,  you  shall  have  them.  We  will  go 
down  to  the  store  this  evening,  and  I  will  deliver  them  to  you. 
There's  your  green  jacket  and  apron,  with  the  canvas  sleeves. 
I  don't  suppose  you  will  go  into  the  store  business  again :  but 
you  may,  and  if  you  do,  they  will  be  useful  to  you ;  they  are 
yours  freely,  or  any  other  little  matters  of  personal  property 
that  may  be  valuable  to  you,  to  remind  you  of  the  happy  days 
you  passed  in  the  firm  of  Batkins  &  Co." 

I  did  not  want  to  go  with  him,  and  yet  I  wanted  the  books. 
The  jacket,  apron,  and  sleeves  I  had  already  brought  home. 
I  took  the  papers,  gave  him  the  gold,  and  thus  the  bargain 
was  concluded. 

As  he  played  with  the  money-bag,  he  said,  u  Batkins,  you 
are  not  the  worst  fellow  in  the  world,  after  all ;  but  I  will  give 
you  a  little  advice.  You  belong  to  a  kind  that  were  made  to 
be  beat  in  everything.  I  have  had  one  chance  at  you,  and  I 
don't  want  any  more,"  he  continued,  counting  the  money  as 
he  was  saying  so. 

I  thought  he  had  beat  me  out  of  almost  my  all,  and  I  could 
not  help  telling  him  so. 

He  continued  :  ' '  Batkins,  if  you  do  not  interfere  with  me, 
I  will  not  interfere  with  you.  My  books  are  all  square,  and  I 
know  where  the  money  is.  If  you  do  ever  say  anything  to 
mortal  man  about  me,  to  my  injury,  you  know  where  I  am. 
The  fall  from  the  wagon  will  not  be  a  circumstance  to  the 
way  I  will  be  revenged  on  you.  Now,  come  down  to  the  store, 
get  the  books;  and  we  will  part  friends." 

I  put  my  papers  in  the  drawer,  and  followed  Mr.  Bean  into 
the  road.  We  walked  to  the  store,  not  a  great  distance.  We 
entered.  He  was  full  of  jests  and  merriment  at  my  expense. 
As  he  lit  the  lamps,  I  discovered  in  the  store  a  new  sign 
painted  in  flaming  colors  :  — 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  13 

"  ARISTARCHUS   BEAN, 
Dealer  in  Produce,  Groceries,  and  Dry  Goods." 

"What  do  you  think  of  that,  Batkins?  That's  a  little 
ahead  of  the  old  one,  —  don't  you  think  so  ?  It  is  going  up 
to-morrow.  Won't  you  come  along  ?  At  seven  o'clock  to 
morrow  down  will  go  the  Batkins'  concern,  and  up  go  the  Bean's." 

I  remarked  that  I  thought  it  was  a  handsome  sign.  He 
took  the  books  from  the  case,  and  piled  them  up  for  me. 
As  'the  reader  may  suppose,  they  were  quite  a  load.  I  bade 
him  good-evening,  and  in  a  short  time  deposited  my  books  in 
the  entry  of  the  homestead.  Mr.  Reedy  was  in  conversation 
with  my  father.  He  smiled  at  the  load  of  books,  and  said 
perhaps  I  should  find  amusement  in  contemplating  the  contents 
during  my  leisure  hours.  I  left  my  father  and  Mr.  Reedy  in 
conversation,  and  went  to  my  own  room  with  a  part  of  the 
books,  and  after  looking  through  a  few  of  the  columns  of 
charges  and  figures,  I  made  a  resolution  that  I  would  never 
again  go  into  a  partnership  in  business  with  man  or  woman  ; 
that  I  would  never  purchase  anything  but  with  the  money  ; 
that  I  would  never  sign  a  note  or  anything  else,  for  myself  or 
anybody  else,  where  money  was  concerned;  that  I  would 
never  borrow  money,  nor  lend  money,  hereafter  ;  that  I  would 
never  have  a  paper  dollar  jn  my  possession  over  night,  if  I 
could  in  any  way  change  it  into  money.  With  the  papers  of 
settlement  in  one  hand,  and  my  other  on  the  pile  of  account- 
books.  I  solemnly  said  to  myself,  I  will  not  depart  from  this 
resolution  so  long  as  my  name  is  Batkins.  I  made  sundry 
notes  in  my  journal,  counted  the  remainder  of  the  money  I 
had  in  my  bags,  and,  after  disposing  of  several  little  matters, 
retired  to  my  bed,  and  slept  quietly,  suffering  no  longer  from 
that  nightmare  of  the  previous  night,  Aristarchus  Bean. 

Thus  was  closed  the  partnership  accounts,  as  I  thought,  of 
the  late  firm  of  "  Batkins  &  Co." 


LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

CRANBERRY    CENTRE    PROSPECTS. 

As  I  walked  about  the  town,  the  principal  topic  of  conver 
sation  was  the  new  bank.  There  was  quite  an  emulation  among 
the  women-folks,  to  put  down  their  names  as  stockholders. 
Fifty  dollars  was  the  price  to  be  paid  for  a  share.  There  were 
quite  a  number  of  old  maids,  or  spinsters  as  they  called  them, 
who  had  stowed  away,  in  stockings,  and  other  odd  places, 
about  that  amount  of  money,  in  pieces  of  gold  and  silver. 
The  minister  preached  one  sermon  about  worldly  matters,  and 
touched  a  little  on  the  bank  question.  This  had  an  effect,  it 
was  thought,  on  the  female  subscriptions,  ladies  generally 
doing  about  as  their  ministers  say.  For  myself,  I  had  made 
up  my  mind  to  have  nothing  to  do  with  it. 

By  report,  I  learned  that  my  father  had  signed  for  some 
shares.  On  my  return  from  down  town  one  day,  in  conversa 
tion  with  Aunt  Dolly,  I  discovered  that  she  had  caught  the 
bank  fever,  and,  as  the  house-keeper  of  the  Hon.  Seth 
Spring's  mansion  had  put  down  for  one  share,  Aunt  Dolly 
thought,  for  the  reputation  of  the  Batkins'  family,  she 
would  "  go  and  do  likewise."  So  one  was  put  down  for  Miss 
Dolly  Spooner. 

The  bank  was  set  a-going.  Hon.  Seth  Spring  was  chosen 
president.  Mr.  Peter  Feathergilt,  who  had  removed  over 
from  Leadcnville,  was  chosen  cashier.  He  was  in  the  shoe 
and  leather  trade,  and  had  been  a  man  of  considerable  impor 
tance.  Mrs.  Feathergilt,  it  was  talked  among  the  women 
folks,  had  been  elevated  to  the  control  of  the  domestic  affairs 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  Ill 

of  the  Feathergilt  establishment,  from  a  humble  position  in  a 
neighboring  State.  She  held  no  situation  in  the  bank.  She 
was  a  stockholder.  There  was  a  Miss  Feathergilt,  and  a  Mr. 
Horace  Feathergilt.  The  coming  of  the  Feathergilts  to 
Cranberry  Centre  introduced,  it  was  said,  a  new  social  era, 
creating,  as  it  were,  wealth,  beauty,  fashion,  and  an  aristoc 
racy  of  trade. 

The  bank  was  considered  the  first  great  step  towards  bring 
ing  Cranberry  Centre  into  the  line  of  progressive  villages,  or 
towns  ambitious  to  be  cities,  and  to  keep  the  people  from  too 
close  understanding  of  their  own  government  affairs.  What 
was  it  to  be  one  of  the  selectmen?  To  be  an  alderman  or  a 
councilman  was  another  matter.  I  did  not  then  see  it ;  but  I 
have  somewhat  mocfrfied  my  opinion. 

For  some  time  the  open  land  near  Gypsy  Village  had 
been  divided  into  building  lots.  Streets,  avenues,  and 
squares  had  names  both  sonorous  to  the  ear,  and  of  political 
significance ;  as  Washington  Street,  Independence  Square, 
Jefferson  Park,  Madison  Avenue,  Columbus  Road,  Spring 
Place,  in  honor  of  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring.  These  names  were 
painted  on  neat  sign-boards  posted  in  conspicuous  situations. 

My  father  and  myself  were  urged  to  join  in  the  speculation. 
We  declined  for  the  present ;  and,  to  tempt  us,  I  think,  to  go 
into  the  enterprise,  the  narrow  passage  between  two  of  the 
grand  avenues  was  called  ' '  Batkins'  Lane."  I  often  strolled  over 
to  this  part  of  the  town  when  I  was  in  a  contemplative  mood, 
watching  the  progress  of  some  small  buildings  being  erectc'd 
upon  parts  of  this  land  by  the  Feathergilt  people,  for  their 
operatives  and  families  to  dwell  in  when  the  Feathergilt  inter 
ests  were  entirely  transferred  to  Cranberry  Centre. 

It  was  proposed  to  make  Cranberry  Centre  productive  as  a 
shoe  town,  as  also,  in  course  of  time,  to  change  the  character 
of  the  vagrant  dwellers  in  Gypsy  Village  by  the  example  of 
industry  constantly  before  them  in  the  persons  of  the  shoe- 


112  LIFE    OF 

makers.  The  immigration  from  Leadenville  and  other  places, 
of  those  leather-working  families,  made  that  part  of  the  town 
busy.  Carpenters  and  masons  were  in  demand.  Here  and 
there  a  new  store  set  up  its  sign  and  temptations  to  purchasers. 
The  bills  of  the  new  bank  were  circulating  freely  ;  everybody 
appeared  to  be  set  in  motion  by  some  new  power,  and  some  of 
the  most  sanguine  predicted  that  at  no  distant  day  Cranberry 
Centre  would  be  the  great  commercial  rival  of  Boston ;  pos 
sibly  the  State  House  would  be  erected  on  the  hill  known  as 
Skunk's  Misery,  if  the  State  would  make  a  ship  canal  from 
the  river  to  Boston  Bay  ;  and  some  argued,  whoever  lived  to 
see  it  when  completed,  even  metropolitan  New  York  might 
find  no  contemptible  rival  in  Cranberry  Centre. 

I  must  confess  I  did  not  share  in  these  -delusive  prophecies. 
But  I  could  not  be  blind  to  the  progressive  steps  following  the 
incoming  of  these  shoemakers.  A  rise  in  land  was  now  upon 
every  tongue.  Our  homestead,  our  farm,  was  in  a  superior 
position,  though  far  away  from  the  prospected  State  House,  upon 
the  hill  of  Skunk's  Misery.  Attempts  were  made  to  persuade 
my  father  to  cut  up  some  of  his  farm  acres  into  two-thousand- 
feet  lots.  These  at  that  time  had  no  efiect  upon  any  of  the  house 
hold.  Aunt  Dolly  considered  a  flock  of  shoemakers  coming 
into  a  farming  town  as  no  better  than  an  army  of  locusts,  and 
as  destructive  to  green  trees,  garden  flowers,  and  other  of  her 
rural  delights. 

It  was  considered  judicious  to  have  a  vendue  of  some  of  the 
lots  at  the  new  city,  as  some  .called  the  place.  Plans  of  the 
grounds  were  printed,  with  handsome  pictures  of  the  eleva 
tions,  as  they  were  called,  of  some  of  the  buildings  to  be 
erected.  The  public  good  was  to  be  liberally  considered.  A 
Lyceum  building,  with  a  front  of  columns,  and  statues  of 
Greeks  and  Romans ;  a  church  with  a  higher  steeple  than  the 
old  meeting-house.  Through  the  large  windows,  an  organ  was 
seen.  Already  a  congregation  had  been  found  to  fill  this  un 
built  temple,  in  consequence  of  this  prospective  organ  in  the 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  113 

perspective  of  the  plan.  Some  people  said  the  Railroad  Corpo 
ration  was  at  the  bottom  of  the  speculation ;  some  said  the  new 
bank;  others  named  "Mrs.  Simms'  man"  and  the  Hon.  Seth 
Spring  as  the  movers  of  the  scheme.  I  was  very  certain  that 
Mr.  Bean  was  let  into  the  secret,  as  he  had  engaged  in  distrib 
uting  plans,  and  talking  it  up  wherever  he  Jiad  the  opportunity. 

At  last  the  sale  day  was  announced,  the  catalogues  printed, 
and  free  tickets  on  the  railroad  from  the  neighboring  towns 
could  be  had  at  the  station-houses. 

In  what  was  to  be  the  fashionable  part  of  the  old  town 
changes  were  also  going  on ;  old  houses  were  being  remodelled, 
and  new  structures  erected.  Some  of  them,  particularly  those 
for  the  Feathergilt  family,  were  expensive,  and  combined  the 
faults  and  beauties  of  the  French  and  American  styles,  mixed 
in  different  degrees,  according  to  the  want  of  taste  in  the  archi 
tect,  or  builder,  or  in  compliance  with  the  amount  the  parties 
were  willing  to  abstract  from  other  investments  to  apply  to 
this.  Such  was  the  state  of  public  matters.  My  own  affairs 
were  not  yet  changed  much  by  the  activity  of  the  general  mind. 
One  incident  is  worthy  of  note,  as  it  suggested  to  me  a  course 
of  reading  which  could  do  me  no  injury  and  might  be  benefi 
cial  to  me  in  many  ways.  I  received  a  letter  as  follows  :  — 

"  MR.  BATKINS  :  — My  inuther  o'd  u  a  dolar;  which  here  it  is.  It  was  for  part 
bred  for  us  and  part  rum  for  father,  which  is  ded,  and  a  string  of  beads  for  baby, 
which  is  named  for  u,  Mr.  Batkins.  Wo  are  gone  to  liv  in  the  city.  Muthor  is 
oblige  to  u.  Her  name  is  Lukus.  "  ARTEMUS  HER  SUN." 

I  give  a  copy  of  the  bill  on  the  next  page. 

The  appearance  of  this  letter,  with  the  enclosure,  induced 
me  to  search  for  the  charge  in  the  books  of  Batkins  &  Co. 
It  is  a  good  thing  to  have  the  mind  engaged  in  the  pursuit  of 
anything.  As  I  had  no  clue  to  Mrs.  Lukus'  account,!  begun  at 
the  beginning  of  the  first  book,  and  continued  the  search  until 
I  found  it  in  my  own  handwriting  in  the  brown-paper  blotter, 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  115 

as  it  was  called,  among  those  items  never  destined  to  a  double 
entry.  I  .duly  marked  it  paid,  and  thought  I  would  employ 
that  bill,  thus  received  from  an  honest  woman,  in  the  service  of 
sonie  other  honest  woman,  poorer  than  Mrs.  Lukus  —  she 
having  lost  her  husband  —  was  now  supposed  to  be. 

There  was  instruction  in  reading  over  these  books,  as  the 
accounts,  settled  and  unsettled,  in  some  measure,  I  thought,  in 
dicated  the  character  of  those  persons  whose  names  were  filling 
the  pages  of  Mr.  Bean's  well-kept  journals  and  ledgers.  I 
marked  those  I  considered  inevitably  bad,  those  I  thought 
doubtful,  and  those  that  I  thought,  with  a  little  persuasion 
,  from  a  good  collector  or  a  lawyer's  letter,  might  be  paid.  It 
was  curious  to  observe  the  evidences  of  economy  in  those  who 
paid  their  bills  regularly,  and  the  extravagances  of  those  who 
were  slow,  or  did  not  pay  at  all.  If  a  book  of  my  life  were 
the  proper  place,  I  would  insert  the  bills  of  some  persons  who 
are  still  living,  to  show  them  how  they  were  fed  and  clothed,  at 
the  expense  of  Batkins  &  Co.,  during  the  five  years  of  m/ 
commercial  life. 

If  the  law  were  not  such  a  strange  combination  of  blunders, 
justice,  arid  wickedness,  as  administered  in  some  countries,  I 
would  print  the  items  for  a  month  or  so  on  the  debtor  side  of 
the  sea-captain's  wife's  account.  The  items  on  the  credit  side 
would  do  no  harm  to  anybody.  But  she  may  have  descend 
ants  ;  they  may  be  voters  ;  I  may  be  up  for  office,  and  this 
would  be  brought  against  me  as  a  breach  of  confidence,  and 
might  assist  in  my  defeat. 

I  often  have  observed  it,  and  my  book  will  prove  it,  that 
obliging  some  of  my  friends  by  furnishing  their  families  with 
groceries  or  dry  goods,  converted  them  into  enemies  whenever 
I  asked  for  the  payment  of  the  bills ;  they  not  only  spoke  dis 
paragingly  of  my  establishment,  but  bought  their  goods  for 
cash  of  persons  who  would  not  give  them  credit  for  a  row  of 
pins.  This  is  the  old  story ;  I  put  it  in  here  because  it  is  part 


116  Ltl'K    OP 


of  my  experience.  The  bill  of  the  Grocers',  Producers', 
Farmers,  Traders"  and  Mechanics'  Bank.  I  kept  in  a  frame. 
Every  one  who  called  on  me  read  the  names  of  the  two 
distinguished  officers.  Mr.  Aristarchus  Bean's  name,  as  the 
creditor  of  the  bank,  was  a  good  advertisement,  and  assisted  in 
bringing  business  to  his  store.  I  have  given  my  opinion  of 
this  gentleman.  He  was  always  polite  to  me  in  the  streets 
when  we  met,  and  although,  from  my  own  experience,  I 
considered  him  as  great  a  scoundrel  as  any  out  of  prison,  in 
the  State,  I  returned  his  salute,  and  did  not  dare  to  make 
known  the  manner  in  which  he  had  cheated  me.  Every  day 
he  was  gaining  in  popularity,  arid  was  constantly  seen  with  Mr. 
Spring,  Mr.  Foathergilt,  and  other  rising  men,  of  similar 
position.  I  gradually  contented  myself  with  the  superintend 
ence  of  the  farm.  Another  lawyer  had  come  into  the  town, 
and  my  father  was  less  disturbed  than  formerly  by  applications 
for  his  services  as  justice  of  the  peace  or  as  coroner.  I  was 
still  undecided,  as  to  myself,  and  the  way  of  laying  out  my 
money,  amidst  the  temptations  to  double  my  investments,  as 
some  others  had  done. 

My  father  had  some  of  the  bank  shares,  and  had  just  re 
ceived  a  dividend  with  the  rest  of  the  shareholders.  It  was 
a  little  nearer  eleven  o'clock  than  usual,  —  that  was  his  hour 
of  imbibing,  frequently  enough  to  keep  him  "  set  up  "  for  all 
day  ;  but  still  he  was  firm  on  his  feet,  —  I  was  at  my  books, 
or  rather  at  Mr.  Bean's  books,  studying  up  my  list  of  bad 
debts,  when  he  came  in  with  a  handful  of  the  bills  of  the  new 
bank,  just  issued  to  pay  dividends.  "  Jeff,"  said  he,  "  do  you 
see  these?"  He  spread  them  about  as  skilful  card-players 
handle  cards. 

I  looked  at  them,  and  remarked  that  they  were  handsome 
bits  of  paper,  and,  if  I  ever  bet,  I  should  be  willing  to  lay  a 
dollar  on  it.  that  the  time  would  come  when  they  would  not 
be  worth  more  than  pieces  of  shaving-paper  of  the  same  size. 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  117 

"  Prejudice,  Jeff!  I  have  had  a  talk  with  Mr.  Spring  and 
Mr.  Feathergilt  about  you ;  they  say  you  must  get  into  the 
ring,  arid  if  I  should  judge  by  what  Mr.  Bean,  and  Mr.  Feath 
ergilt  say,  you  might  have  the  assistance  of  Mr.  Feather- 
gilt's  only  daughter,  who,  no  doubt,  wants  to  be  married." 

I  smiled,  and  said,  "  Let  her."     I  had  seen  the  young  lady 
on  the  street,  and  at  church,  but  I  had  not  thought  of  matri 
mony. 

II  It  is  about  time,  Jeff,  for  you  to  set  up  for  something. 
You  have  had  commercial  experience.     I  understand  from  Mr. 
Bean  that  you  are  perfectly  satisfied  with  the  settlement  made 
with  him." 

I  winced  a  little.  I  recovered  shortly  from  this  reminder 
of  Bean's  talent,  not  believing  he  had  revealed  the  truth  to 
my  Father.  I  simply  said  I  was  not  aware  that  that  affair  had 
advanced  me  in  public  opinion. 

"  Oh,  yes,"  said  my  father  ;  "  the  few  days  you.  were  con 
fined  to  your  room,  there  were  more  inquiries  after  your  health, 
Aunt  Dolly  said,  than  there  would  have  been  if  I  had  died  j 
some  nice  young  ladies,  too,  Jeff." 

"Yes,"  I  remarked,  not  displeased;  "our  customers,  I 
suppose." 

"  Well,  Jeff,  there  is  one  thing  about  that  accident  I  never 
understood,  —  whose  horse  and  wagon  it  was  you  had  on  the 
night  of  the  upset." 

I  could  safely  say  I  did  not  know.  I  am  sure  I  did  not. 
That  is  precisely  what  I  did  say. 

"  What  was  the  color  of  the  horse,  white  or  black  ?  " 

"I  have  no  recollection,"  was  my  reply.  "  It  was  dark," 
—  yes,  I  was  in  the  dark,  —  "so  dark  you  could  not  tell 
whether  the  horse  was  white  or  black." 

"•If  it  had  been  me,  the  people  would  have  said  the  old 
fellow  had  been  drinking.  There's  one  thing  you  must  re 
member,  —  was  you  driving,  or  Mr.  Bean?  " 


118  LIFE    OF 

"  My  impression  is,  I  was  not  driving.'-' 
"That's  what  I  thought;   that's  what  I  told  Dr.  Slawter. 
Says  I,  Jeff  could  not  have  been  driving." 

Now.  I  had  really  told  no  lie,  but  I  had  permitted  my 
father  to  be  deceived.  I  had  a  great  impulse  to  tell  him  the 
truth ;  but  my  good  intentions  were  overpowered,  and  I  al 
lowed  the  deception  to  continue. 

•'  Well,  Jeff,  my  advice  is,  put  the  profits  of  the  store  in 
the  bank  stock,  not   keep  it  idle  in  your  trunk  ;    or,  if  you 
want  to  put  it  in  the  soil,  they  -say  the  new  city  lands  will  be 
worth  double  in  a  year.      Salt  some  of  your  money  there." 
I  said,  "I  will  think  of  it." 

"  I  will  give  up  the  working  of  the  farm  to  you,  if  you  say 
the  word ;  but  my  advice  is,  rise  with  the  town ;  get  to  be 
chosen  into  some  office,  if  it  is  only  pound-keeper.  I  really 
would  like  to  see  a  Batkins  governor  of  the  Commonwealth, 
Jeff.  Well,  what  do  you  say?" 

"  I'll  think  it  over,  father.  I'll  think  it  over." 
He  went  to  put  his  bank  bills  in  the  drawer  of  the  old  sec 
retary,  where  the  earliest  Batkinses  kept  their  money.  Some 
of  the  old  continental  congress  money  was  still  there  and  is  to 
this  day.  I  used  to  look  at  these  paper-mill  apologies  for 
money,  and  that's  how  I  got  my  ideas  against  any  currency 
but  gold,  silver,  and  copper.  My  father  was  right ;  I  should 
do  something.  I  did  not  really  like  to-  put  myself  between 
the  handles  of  a  plough,  after  being  engaged  in  trade.  I 
thought  some  of  going  into  the  butchering  business  ;  but  I  had 
not  the  nerve  to  kill  animals  in  a  cold-blooded,  dollar-and-cent, 
business  way.  My  father  had  touched  the  string  that  always 
played  a  tune  in  my  brains,  —  I  mean  the  idea  of  politics, 
and  that  was  the  thins  I  was  endeavoring  so  hard  to  avoid : 

O  O 

for  I  had  an  idea  it  would  make  or  break  me.  The  fact  is,  I 
wanted  to  go  in,  and  yet  I  did  not  dare  to  say  so,  even  to  my 
self;  and  then  the  hint  that  Miss  Feathergilt  was  at  my  dis- 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATE  INS.  119 

posal  for  a  wife,  —  both  these  topics  acting  on  my  mind  at  the 
same  time,  one  pushing  one  way,  and  one  pulling  the  other, 
had  the  effect  to  drive  me  into  the  road,  where  I  revolved  the 
matter  over  in  my  mind,  ^without  coming  to  any  conclusion. 


120  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER    XIY. 

TIIE   LAND   SALE. 

WHEN  the  day  arrived  for  the  vendue,  Cranberry  Centre 
was  all  astir.  I  have  before  remarked,  in  the  case  of  the  bank, 
the  people  seemed  to  carry  in  their  countenances  the  idea  of 
increased  wealth,  and  some  of  them  did  not  seem  able  to  keep 
their  feet  on  the  ground  long  enough  to  walk,  but  absolutely 
danced,  skipped,  and  almost  flew  during  the  busy  hours  of  the 
day. 

The  gathering  at  the  place  of  the  vendue  was  promiscuous. 
Four  red  flags  had  been  planted  at  the  four  corners  of  the  lot. 
This  was  my  first  sight  at  a  vendue.  I  wish  I  had  the  power 
to  describe  all  there  was  to  see  and  to  hear.  The  gathering 
at  the  "indignation  meeting"  was  small  in  comparison,  for 
the  number  of  inhabitants  had  increased,  and  the  free  tickets 
on  the  railroad  brought  visitors  from  the  neighboring  towns. 

I  did  not  attend  this  land  sale  with  a  view  to  buy  land.  In 
my  own  name  I  did  not  hold  a  foot  of  soil  in  Cranberry 
Centre.  I  was  there  to  Assist  by  my  presence  the  success  of 
the  scheme.  I  preserved  one  of  the  painted  plans  of  the  new 
city,  and  have  had  it  copied.  As  one  of  the  documentary 
proofs  of  the  truth  of  my  history,  I  have  marked  the  spots 
where  I  stood  at  different  times  during  the  sale.  The  eleva 
tions,  as  they  were  marked  by  the  surveyor  and  architect,  I 
also  preserved.  I  shall  annex  them  to  this  book,  so  that  any 
person  who  doubts  the  veracity  or  the  correctness  of  my  state 
ments  can  visit  Cranberry  Centre  at  his  own  convenience  and 
expense,  except  he  happens  to  be  a  government  official ;  then. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  121 

in  that  case,  he  can  make  out  his  bill  and  charge  it  to  the  ac 
counts  of  such  committee  as  he  thinks  can  best  afford  to  liqui 
date  it.  This  advice  may  appear  as  if  somebody  had  given 
me  an  idea  —  I  admit  it  —  and  this  information  may  be  of  im 
portant  use  to  committees  on  public  buildings,  who  are  about 
inaugurating  plans  and  projects  for  the  public  good.  A  list 
of  the  original  estimates  for  the  buildings  can  be  seen,  and  those 
interested  will  discover  how  far  short  the  actual  expenditure 
was,  compared  to  the  estimated  cost.  I  believe  this  method 
is  improved  upon,  the  rule  now  being,  low  estimates  and  high 
expenditures.  I  shall  attempt  no  explanation. 

In  addition  to  this,  there  was  handed  about  to  some  people  a 
bird's-eye  view  of  Cranberry  Centre,  with  the  residences  of 
prominent  citizens  of  the  town  marked  in  red  ink,  public 
buildings  in  yellow  ink,  sites  sold  in  blue  ink.  In  red  and 
green  ink  the  names  of  the  prominent  citizens  whose  houses 
and  villas  were  thus  displayed,  were  placed  on  the  margin  of 
the  map,  with  reference  figures  upon  the  houses.  I  do  not 
suppose  that  any  of  these  arrangements  are  new  to  land  spec 
ulators,  or  to  my  readers.  They  were  new  to  the  people  of 
Cranberry  Centre,  and  as  connected  with  this  epoch  of  my 
life  must  have  a  proper  representation  here.  It  may  be  dull 
work  for  the  present  day.  but,  as  I  remarked  before,  this  is  my 
life,  —  and  also  in  part  a  history  of  Cranberry  Centre. 

I  heard,  as  I  walked  among  the  different  parties  on  the 
ground,  various  opinions  as  to  the  prospects,  as  also  the  criti 
cisms  upon  some  of  the  "well-to-do"  folks,  of  whom  it  was 
remarked  of  one  :  "  It  is  not  long  ago  that  my  father  saved 
the  whole  family  from  the  poor  farm.  Now  I  am  not  good 
enough  for  them  to  speak  to." 

While  I  was  thus  engaged  in  observation  upon  the  general 
gathering.  I  saw  my  father  coming  across  lots,  and  beckoning 
me  to  him.  He  had  just  come  from  a  house,  around  which 


122 


LIFE   OF 


\    \ 


JEFFKHSON  S.    B ATKINS.  123 

were  wagons,  carriages,  chaises,  and  other  vehicles,  some  with 
finely  dressed  ladies  lazily  leaning  from  the  cushions  to  chat 
with  the  better-dressed  people  who  were  about  them. 

Before  I  arrived  at  the  house,  I  distinguished  Hon.  Seth 
Spring,  the  Feathergilts  old  and  young,  Gideon  Bodge,  "  Mrs. 
Simms'  man,"  Dr.  Slawter,  the  minister,  and  sundry  other 
people  to  whom  perhaps,  as  yet,  the  reader  will  not  care  to  be 
introduced.  Mr.  Bean  was  talking  to  a  gentleman  I  had 
never  seen  before.  He  was  the  auctioneer,  who  had  been  sent 
from  Boston  to  conduct  the  sale,  —  our  auctioneer,  Mr.  Slow- 
kail,  not  having  been  thought  competent  for  so  extensive  an 
affair.  Mr.  Bean  left  the  auctioneer,  and  came  towards  us. 
Speaking  to  me  very  politely,  taking  off  his  hat,  he  said  :  — 

"  Batkins,  I  am  glad  to  see  you.  Buy,  Batkins,  —  there's 
money  in  this  land,  —  buy  it." 

To  my  father  he  said,  "  Uncle  Jethro,"  — many  people  ad 
dressed  my  father  by  that  title,  though  so  far  as  we  know,  or 
the  town  records  show,  he  could  not  be  uncle  to  anything  of 
the  humankind,  —  "Uncle  Jethro.  Mr.  Spring  and  Mr. 
Feathergilt  have  something  to  say  to  you." 

My  father  left  us,  and  Mr.  Bean  inquired  if  I  had  a  plan 
of  the  lots.  I  told  him  I  had. 

"  Perhaps  not  the  right  one,  said  he ;  let  us  see  it." 

I  took  from  my  pocket  the  plans  and  the  notice.  He  looked 
at  it,  shaking  his  head. 

"That's  not  it.  Have  you  not  seen  the  bird's-eye  view, 
Mr.  Batkins?" 

I  told  him  that  I  had  not. 

"Well,  walk  in,  Batkins,  before  the  sale  begins,  and  get 
one  of  those  bird's-eye  views.  It  makes  a  very  handsome 
picture,  —  handsome  enough  to  hang  up  in  anybody's 
parlor." 

He  took  me  by  the  arm,  and  led  me  along,  introducing  me 
to  some  gentlemen  whose  names  I  scarcely  heard,  and  hurry- 


124  LIFE    OF 

ing  me  on  to  get  one  of  the  bird's-eye  pictures.  Beckoning, 
as  he  went,  to  another  smartly  dressed  gentleman,  who  had 
just  arrived,  asking  him  the  same  question,  —  if  he  had  seen 
the  bird's-eye  plan,  —  we  entered  the  house.  A  table  was  set 
with  decanters,  bottles,  tumblers,  crackers,  cheese,  cigars,  and 
other  evidences  of  what  some  people  call  having  a  good  time. 
On  a  table  were  the  bird's-eye-view  plans.  I  was  invited  to 
drink,  —  I  declined  ;  to  smoke,  which  I  declined  also.  I  took 
a  piece  of  cracker  and  cheese,  and  my  friend,  —  as  he  called 
himself,  —  Bean,  handed  me  a  bird's-eye  plan. 

Those  who  have  attended  land  sales  I  dare  say  understand 
what  I  at  that  time  did  not.  I  asked  no  general  questions, 
but  my  good  friend  Bean  explained  to  me  the  idea  of  the 
luncheon  to  which  'some  had  been  invited,  while  a  great  many 
had  not.  It  was  an  object  to  have  a  large  attendance.  Now, 
as  I  have  stated,  the  town  was  divided  on  the  temperance  ques 
tion,  and  those  who  wer-e  known  to  indulge  in  mixed  beverages 
were  invited  to  see  the  bird's-eye  plan,  or  those  not  committed 
against  the  use  of  liquor.  It  wa§  known  that  I  was  a  temper 
ance  man  on  principle,  and  from  choice,  with  no  desire  to  in 
fringe  upon  the  rights  of  my  neighbors.  I  regretted  that  my 
father  did  not  take  the  same  view  as  I  did ;  but  Mr.  Bean 
wanted  me,  as  he  said,  to  be  in  with  the  right  sort,  and  therefore 
I  was  invited  to  see  the  bird's-eye  plan,  as  has  been  described. 

The  people  were  now  moving  off,  and  it  was  said  the  sale 
was  about  to  begin.  There  was  a  good  deal  of  whispering  and 
going  to  and  fro  from  one  to  another,  Mr.  Bean,  as  usual, 
being  the  busiest  man  of  all. 

The  auctioneer  at  last  left  for  the  platform  with  Mr.  Slow- 
kail,  and  his  clerk,  with  pen,  ink,  and  book.  He  mounted  a 
chair  upon  the  platform,  took  off  his  hat,  looked  about  him, 
up  at  the  sun,  and  round  the  town,  flourished  a  white  hand 
kerchief,  and  begun  his  speech  :  — 

"Gentlemen,  we  are  upon  the  eve  of  great  events.     Some- 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKIXS.  125 

times,  when  the  serenity  of  the  cerulean  arch  above  our  heads 
is  undisturbed  by  a  cloud,  there  lurks  the  whirlwind,  the  hurri 
cane,  and  the  devastating  tempest.  For  the  first  time  I  find 
myself  in  this  ancient  town,  Cranberry  Centre,  gentlemen, 
heard  of  in  my  infancy.  The  desire  of  my  manhood  is  at  last 
accomplished.  I  am  here  to  assist  you  in  a  great  work,  a  glorious 
work,  —  to  expand  your  capabilities,  to  make  your  fortunes,  to 
enrich  your  heirs.  This  soil,  virgin  from  the  days  of  creation, 
will  soon  be  made  to  teem  with  the  products  of  your  industry. 
I  come  to  sell  it,  sell  it,  gentlemen,  to  the  highest  bidder; 
not  as  a  whole,  —  the  company  would  not  so  dispose  of  it,  — 
but  to  give  all  a  chance.  You  have  seen  the  plans,  the  ele 
vations,  gentlemen,  and  many  of  you  have  seen  the  bird's-eye 
plan,  which  shows  the  liberality  of  the  land  company,  whose 
representative  I  am  to-day." 

Here  the  doctor  and  I  exchanged  a  smile,  which  the  auc 
tioneer  seeing,  discoursed  upon  as  follows  :  — 

"My  friend,  here,  smiles,  and  I  don't  wonder  at  it.  The 
ladies  smile  upon  us  and  cheer  us  with  their  presence.  Nature 
smiles,  —  a  good  omen ;  you  have  seen  the  plans ;  you  know 
the  terms  of  sale,"  — which  he  here  repeated.  When  he  had 
finished,  he  said,  "  We  are  at  your  mercy.  What  is  the  bid 
for  lot  No.  1?" 

Nobody  seemed-  inclined  to  say  anything.  After  the  usual 
invitation  to  bid,  from  the  auctioneer,  somebody  said,  "  One 
cent  a  foot. ' ' 

Well,  now  that  sounds  small,  I  dare  say.  My  father  said 
he  had  seen  the  time  he  could  have  bought  it  all  for  ten 
dollars  an  acre ;  and  when  an  acre  of  land  is  sold  for  one 
cent  a  foot  it  counts  up  something. 

The  vendue  master  kept  talking,  and  nobody  offered  to 
give  more.  Mr.  Bean  came  to  me.  Said  he,  u  Buy  it, 
Batkins."  I  told  him  I  did  not  come  to  buy. 

"Two   cents  from    the  gentleman?"  pointing  to  me;  the 


126  JJFK    OF 

auctioneer  repeated   the^  sum.     "Two  cents  a  foot, — going. 
Your  name,  I  think,  is  Batkins?  " 

I  nodded  my  head. 

II  Shall  I  have  three?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  I;    "  my  name  is  Batkins." 

"  Gone  to  Mr.  Batkins,  for  three  cents  per  foot." 

"  No,"  says  I ;  "I  didn't  bid.  You  asked  me  if  my  name 
was  Batkins;  I  said  yes." 

"You  will  never  be  sorry  for  your  bargain.  Mr.  Jefferson 
S.  Batkins,  I  believe?  "  and  the  clerk  put  down  the  name. 

Bean  came  up  to  congratulate  me.  Says  he,  in  a  quiet  way, 
"  Don't  back  out,  Batkins.  I  will  take  it  off  your  hands." 

"Which  lot  do  you  take,  Mr.  Batkins?  From  one  to 
twenty,  you  have  your  choice." 

"  He  takes  the  whole  twenty,"  said  Bean;  "in  all  about 
fifty  thousand  feet." 

All  I  could  say  was  useless.  The  auctioneer  put  up  other 
lots.  Some  were  knocked  off  to  Seth  Spring,  some  to  Mr. 
Feathergilt,  some  to  Mr.  Bean,  one  lot  to  Mr.  Sully,  one  to 
Milksay,  one  or  two  of  the  smaller  lots  to  two  shoernaking-look- 
ing  men,  —  these  bringing  from  one  to  one  and  a  half  cents 
per  foot.  Then  suddenly  appeared  a  cloud,  indicating  a 
shower.  The  vendue  master  thanked  the  company  for  their 
attendance ;  said  the  sale  would  be  postponed,  and  proper 
notice  would  be  given.  The  prices  were  too  low,  but  he 
thought  next  time  they  would  be  higher.  Might  he  ask  Mr. 
Batkins  if  he  would  give  a  bond  a  month  hence  for  a  part  of 
his  purchase  at  five  cents  per  foot  ?  He  had  been  offered  that 
price  privately  and  refused.  He  supposed  the  man  had 
missed  the  train,  or  that  range  of  lots  would  never  have  been 
sold  so  low.  He  made  it  a  rule  never  to  bid  himself  at  a 
public  sale,  or  Mr.  Batkins  would  never  have  had  the  bargain 
he  had  this  day  made. 

The  crowd  had  begun  to  disperse.     I  was  invited  by  Mr. 


JKFFEHSOtf   S.    E ATKINS.  127 

Feathergilt  to  take  a  seat  in  his  chaise  with  his  daughter,  as 
he  wanted  to  have  a  little  talk  with  Mr.  Spring,  and  was 
going  to  ride  home  with  him.  **I  could  not  say  no  before  so 
many  people.  I  walked  with  him  to  the  carriage,  was  put  in, 
with  a  compliment  for  my  sagacious  investment. 

Mrs.  Feathergilt  was  in  Mr.  Spring's  carriage.  Mr.  Feath 
ergilt  had  driven  his  daughter  to  the  sale,  and  she  was  now 
under  my  care.  A  gust  of  wind,  blowing  up  the  sand  into  all 
kinds  of  shapes,  for  the  moment  blinded  my  eyes,  as  well  as  my 
fair  companion's  ;  thus  I  avoided  a  discovery  on  her  part  of  my 
embarrassment  at  finding  myself  with  her  in  such  a  conspicuous 
position,  about  to  drive  her  through  the  streets  of  Cranberry 
Centre.  And  now  again  the  whirling  columns  of  dust  were 
flying  about,  lit  up  by  the  light  of  the  sun  into  a  sort  of 
yellow  snow-storm,  putting  dust  and  gravel  for  snow.  I  took 
the  reins,  gave  a  sort  of  cluck  to  the  horse,  who  started 
with  spirit  on  his  homeward  road,  my  father  appearing  to 
be  much  pleased. 


128  LIFE   OF 


CHAPTER    XV. 

CAUGHT    IN    A    SHOWER. 

IN  reply  to  my  father,  who  occasionally  expressed  his 
opinion  of  my  neglect  of  instruction  upon  matters  which  a 
study  of  some  popular  works  would  give  me,  I  stated  —  what  he 
already  knew  —  that  I  was  averse  to  reading  books,  not  having 
a  very  high  idea  of  learning.  I  told  him  I  preferred  to  study 
human  nature,  in  men  and  animals.  I  had  been  studying  the 
faces  of  the  people  at  the  land  sale,  and  among  the  rest  the 
members  of  Mr.  Feathergilt's  family,  who  were  considered  in 
Cranberry  Centre  of  that  class  called  by  those  of  less  preten 
sions,  the  "  upper  crust,"  which,  as  Aunt  Dolly  explained  to 
rne,  had  some  reference  to  the  top  piece  on  the  mince  pies.  I 
was  making  niy  own  estimate  of  these  people,  when  I  was  so 
unexpectedly  introduced  to  the  young  lady.  I  dare  say  I 
may  get  my  ideas  somewhat  mixed,  as  I  endeavor  to  give  an 
account  of  this  ride,  growing  out  of  our  being  caught  in  a 
shower.  Showers  are  common  enough,  and  almost  everybody 
has.  at  some  period  of  their  lives,  been  overtaken  by  that  nat 
ural  display  of  aquosity  and  noise,  called  a  thunder-storm. 
Matters  so  common  would  hardly  seem  of  much  importance  iq 
the  life  <sf  any  individual,  unless  he  had  been  struck  by  lightning. 
It  is  true,  I  had  not.  Many  persons  have  dated  much  of  their 
happiness  or  misery  from  some  accidental  cause,  not  unfre- 
quently  from  being  caught  in  a  shower. 

When  I  was  quite  a  lad,  I  confess  I  was  afraid  of  thunder, 
and.  if  in  the  night,  crawled  into  Aunt  Dolly's  room  for  pro 
tection.  I  afterwards  discovered  that  thunder  was  only  a 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  129 

noise,  and  harmless  ;  that  the  lightning  was  like  the  fire  and 
shot  from  the  cannon,  and  did  like  mischief,  if  it  hit.  I 
cannot  say  now  that  I  have  the  same  fear  at  an  explosion  of 
this  natural  battery  during  a  thunder  shower,  as  Dr.  Slawter 
called  it,  while  one  day  explaining  the  philosophy  of  it  when 
caught  in  a  shower  at  the  homestead.  I  am  not  ashamed  to 
confess  that  I  am  not  entirely  free  from  apprehensions,  if  I 
am  on  the  road  during  a  severe  thunder  shower.  I  have 
lu-ard  that  some  of  the  bravest  men  in  battle  have  been  so 
frightened  at  thunder  storms  as  to  hide  themselves  in  a  cellar 
during  the  passing  of  a  shower.  No  one  is  to  be  blamed  for 
moral  cowardice  in  such  matters. 

On  this  occasion  I  was  not  to  be  alone  ;  still  I  was  not  with 
Aunt  Dolly,  the  friend  and  protector  of  my  youthful  days. 
I  managed  pretty  well  to  conceal  my  trepidation,  if  I  had  any, 
although  I  had  the  responsibility  of  driving  a  lady,  to  be  sure 
not  a  very  young  lady,  to  whom  I  had  just  been  introduced, 
who  was,  or  if  not  now,  had  been,,  quite  a  belle  in  Leadenville. 
I  was  simply  an  individual,  who  in  a  horse-trade  perhaps 
might  prove  that  my  eye-teeth  had  been  cut,  a  well-to-do 
farmer's  only  son,  and  an  ex-storekeeper,  as  Bean  sometimes 
called  me ;  and  besides  driving  in  a  shower,  I  might  be  ex 
pected  to  entertain  in  conversation  a  lady,  who  had  visited 
Saratoga,  Boston,  and  other  popular  and  fashionable  resorts 
of  the  time.  I  had  seen  her  on  the  streets  swinging  her  para 
sol  over  her  shoulders  in  a  gay  style,  and  walking  along  with 
an  air  as  if  either  she  or  her  father  owned  pretty  much  all 
creation. 

I  regret  that  I  cannot  describe  this  lady  to  my  friends ; 
she  was  rather  short,  and  while  her  face  was  slightly  yellow 
and  thin,  the  rest  of  her  person  appeared  to  be  pretty  plump. 
I  don't  think  I  could  say  her  hair  was  exactly  what  I  have 
heard  called  gold  color.  It  had,  like  her  face,  a  sort  of  yellow 
complexion,  only  a  shade  or  two  darker.  I  did  think  her  nose 


130  LIFE    OF 

naturally  was  a  little  red.  I  would  not  be  certain,  but  there 
was  just  such  an  appearance  of  the  skin  as  I  have  noticed  on  the 
neck  of  a  turkey,  before  Aunt  Dolly  put  it  to  roasting,  after  she 
had  been  shaking  the  flour-box  over  it.  She  had  a  sharp-looking 
eye,  on  each  side  of  her  nose ;  one  appeared  to  be  looking  at 
the  other,  just  as  I  have  seen  a  rat  when  he  was  cornered, 
with  a  dog  on  one  side,  and  a  man  with  a  club  on  the  other. 
She  did  not  look  unlike  a  rat,  —  that  is,  a  good-dispositioned, 
well-fed,  handsome  rat,  when  her  features  were  in  that  condition 
expressed  by  writers  as  being  in  repose. 

It  is  often  a  good  illustration  of  the  character  of  a  person, 
instead  of  describing  the  features  in  detail,  to  simply  state  that 
this  one  looked  like  a  fox  ;  that  like  a  dog ;  that  like  a  lamb ; 
that  like  a  lion  ;  and  so  through  the  list  of  quadrupeds.  It  is 
the  same  with  beasts  and  fishes ;  and  you  will  find,  upon  com 
parison  among  your  friends,  where  they  have  this  physiognom 
ical  likeness,  the  characteristic  qualities  will  be  found  in  the 
same  proportion.  I  have  not  much  to  say  about  how  much 
cultivation  and  intellectual  gymnastics,  religious  impressions, 
or  other  emotional  machinery  may  have  to  do  with  concealing, 
sometimes.,  this  natural  reflection  of  mere  animal  instincts.  I 
believe  this, —  and  in  this  opinion  I  am  sustained  by  Dr.  Slaw- 
ter  and  other  physicians,  —  Ihat  under  the  influence  of  certain 
passions,  all  that  goes  to  make  the  social  distinction  between 
lady  and  gentleman  disappears,  and  the  individual  develops  so 
much  of  the  animal  that  there  can  be  no  doubt  that  all  the 
education,  all  the  reason,  given  to  man  and  refused  to  the 
brute,  will  not  always  obliterate  the  nearness  of  relationship, 
and,  in  many  cases,  that  is  nearer  and  more  demonstrative  than  we 
are  willing  to  admit.  So  I  say  Miss  Feathergilt  looked  like  a  rat, 
Mrs.  Feathergilt  not  unlike  a  seal ;  that  is,  her  facial  expres 
sion  and  her  movement,  so  far  as  the  human  face  divine  is 
concerned.  Yet  there  is  no  relationship,  that  we  know,  exist 
ing  between  the  rat  and  the  seal.  One  is  more  amphibious 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  131 

than  the  other,  although  "  there  be  land  rats  and  water  rats." 
Mr.  Feathergilt  in  likeness  might  be  said  to  partake  of  the 
characteristic  expression  of  a  horse  and  a  fox,  —  the  large, 
intelligent  eye,  the  massive  forehead  of  the  first,  with  the 
pointed  nose,  sly  and  knowing  action  of  the  mouth  of  the 
distinguished  representative  of  sagacity,  cunning,  and  flat 
tering  way  of  putting  his  opinions,  as  illustrated  by  fables 
that  have  done  justice  to  his  character  as  a  diplomatist  arid 
natural-born  thief.  Now  I  admit  your  mind  must  be  educated 
to  see  the  counterpart  of  these  portraits  in  the  faces  of  your 
friends.  So  say  many  doctors,  and  I  agree  with  the  results 
of  their  scientific  observations,  though  I  arrived  at  my  views 
in  a  practical  way.  If  you  could  enlarge  a  rat  to  the  size  of 
Miss  Feathergilt,  change  its  style  of  movement. and  bodily 
form,  and  put  it  into  just  such  costume  as  a  lady  of  Miss 
Feathergilt' s  position  would  select,  the  likeness  would  be 
more  complete.  So  in  the  case  of  this  lady's  mother :  hang 
over  a  seal's  head  a  wig  resembling  Mrs.  Feathergilt's 
hair,  with  a  cap  and  ruffles,  a  proper  quantity  of  green  and 
yellow  ribbons,  or  flowers  and  leaves,  with  a  cashmere  shawl 
enfolding  the  form,  so  that  it  was  concealed,  and  you  would 
admit  the  similarity.  Those  who  have  watched  the  behavior  of 
learned  seals,  dogs,  and  pigs,  will  perceive,  just  in  proportion 
as  their  artificial  education  has  proceeded,  so  will  their  mental 
expressions  be  more  or  less  like  the  person  who  taught  them. 
Whoever  doubts  the  fundamental  basis  of  this  argument,  let 
him  study  the  faces  of  his  friends  and  relatives,  and  sometimes 
his  own  in  a  mirror,  and  after  that  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear  and 
answer  his  objections. 

Now,  it  may  be  asked  here,  what  is  the  foundation  for  such 
a  theory,  admitted  perhaps  to  be  plausible,  yet  only  fanciful  ? 
I  will  answer.  I  have  no  doubt  my  opinions  will  be  the  subject 
of  comment,  if  I  am  so  fortunate  as  to  have  them  circulated, 
and  I  would  answer  conjectured  objections  as  I  go  along, 


132  LIFE    OF 

but  I  think  the  printer  would  object.  I  do  not  consider  my 
self  capable  of  giving  the  best  shape  to  my  own  ideas,  but  if 
it  be  admitted  that  the  original  man  was  the  last  living  thing 
created,  —  woman  included,  of  course,  —  would  the  instincts 
given  to  other  animals,  for  their  preservation  and  com 
fort,  be  taken  from  man,  simply  because  to  these  instincts, 
necessary  also  to  his  preservation  and  comfort,  there  had  been 
added  the  power  of  reason  to  control,  but  not  to  destroy  them  ? 
Brain  action  impresses  the  features.  The  superiority  in 
intellectual  expression  of  such  persons  as  have  been  favored 
with  individual  culture  over  those  whose  companions  have 
been  for  the  most  part  dumb  animals,  or  men  scarcely  a  grade 
above  them,  and  recognizable  only  sometimes  by  the  gift  of  a 
human  voice,  may  be  thus  understood. 

Much  of  this  was  in  my  mind  as  I  took  my  seat  in  the 
chaise,  with  the  little,  rat-like  Feathergilt,  as  in  no  offensive 
sense  I  have  designated  her.  I  had  studied  the  group  as  they 
were  together,  though,  if  I  then  had  been  asked  to  give  my 
opinion  in  writing,  I  am  free  to  say  I  could  not  have  done  it 
with  the  same  facility  as  now,  thanks  to  a  little  more  experi 
ence,  and  not  a  few  conversations  with-  my  friend  Dr.  Slaw- 
ter,  and  others,  as  I  have  stated  before.  With  all  my  short 
comings,  I  could  drive,  very  well,  a  horse,  or  a  pair  put  to 
anything  on  wheels,  a  yoke  of  cattle,  or  a  double  team 
attached  to  a  breaking-up  plough,  a  load  of  hay,  or  a 
tree  necessarily  requiring  this  aid  to  move  it.  So  that  I  was 
not  so  much  out  of  place  at  the  side  of  Miss  Feathergilt,  with 
the  reins  in  my  hand,  as  some  people  might  imagine.  I 
will  not  say  I  was  at  ease.  I  was  not.  Driving  to  ..mill, 
Aunt  Dolly  to  meeting,  or  my  father  to  a  cattle-show,  I  was 
used  to ;  but  with  a  tolerably  young,  fashionable,  and  unmar 
ried  lady  that  I  had  never  spoken  to  before,  at  my  time  of 
life,  was  another  thing.  Then  the  chance  of  being  shut  up 
almost  from  public  view,  by  the  boot  of  the  chaise,  was  not, 
in  view  of  things,  a  matter  of  comfort  to  me. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  133 

My  conversational  powers  with  ladies  were  quite  limited. 
If  questioned  on  some  subjects,  I  might  answer.  t 

The  distance  to  Mr. 'Feather-gilt's  villa  was  a  trifle  more 
than  a  mile  and  a  half  from  the  new  city.  I  had  in  hand  a 
fine  specimen  of  horse-flesh.  If  I  had  been  alone,  I  should 
not  have  objected  to  the  drive.  At  the  start,  I  remarked  that 
the  horse  was  speedy.  Miss  Feathergilt  said  he  was ;  that  he 
belonged  to  her  brother  Horace,  and  asked  if  I  knew  him.  I 
said  I  had  not  the  pleasure  to  know  him.  She  said  Horace 
was  a  good  brother,  but  he  did  not  take  her  to  ride ;  and  that 
all  the  girls  were  in  love  with  him,  and  that  his  ways  were 
very  fascinating.  I  listened. 

"Mr.  Batkins.  please  don't  drive  too  fast;  it. gives  me  the 
headache.  We  need  not  be  in  a  hurry.  We  are  safe  out  of 
the  rain." 

I  said,  "We  are." 

"You  met  with  an  accident,  I  believe;" 

I  said,  "Yes." 

"We  were  very  much  alarmed  when  we  read  the  account 
in  the  newspaper  of  your  being  thrown  from  your  wagon. 
Were  you  much  hurt  ?  " 

I  said,  "Not  much." 

"Father  said  at  the  time,  you  could  not  always  tell  how 
much  a  person  might  be  hurt ;  when  the  external  appearances 
are  trifling,  there  may  be  an  internal  injury  that  will  last  a 
very  long  time." 

I  said  I  was  not  hurt  internally.  This  reference  to  the 
accident  did  not  improve  my  disposition  to  aid  in  the  conver 
sation  by  any  lengthy  remarks,  and  I  rather  fidgeted  with  the 
reins ;  the  whip  touched  the  high-spirited  horse,  who  began 
jumping  and  rearing,  requiring  considerable  coaxing  and 
pulling,  before  I  got  him  down  to  a  steady  trot.  During  these 
manoeuvres  Miss  Feathergilt  screamed,  womanlike,  and  seized 
my  hands,  interfering  somewhat  with  their  free  use,  en 
abling  the  horse  to  resist  my  efforts  to  restrain  him,  besides 


134  LIFE    OF 

convincing  the  animal  as  I  thought,  that  the  reins  were  not 
managed  in  the  most  skilful  manner. 

Just  where  the  road  branched  to  the  nearest  way  to  Feath- 
ergilt's  villa,  the  horse  was  at  his  highest  point  of  restiveness. 
I  did  not  dare  to  turn  him,  so  kept  on  the  road  leading  in  a 
different  direction,  and  towards  the  next  town.  I  said  r — 

"  Miss  Feathergilt,  I  will  turn  back  directly  ;  we  shall  not 
lose  much  time." 

She  apologized  for  her  fright,  saying  she  had  never  seen 
Prince  —  the  name  of  the  horse  —  act  so  before,  adding,  "I 
think  the  shower  is  over,  and  if  you  have  no  objections,  as  we 
appear  to  be  on  the  road  to  it,  I  should  be  pleased  if  you  will 
drive  me  over  the  bridge." 

Of  course  I  could  not  refuse,  so  I  said,  "  With  pleasure, 
Miss  Feathergilt." 

"Thanks,  Mr.  Batkins;  but  it  does  sound  so  odd  to  be 
called  Miss  Feathergilt,  when  I  am  riding.  To  be  sure,  I 
only  ride  with  pa  and  brother  Horace.  They  always  call  me 
Amanda;  that  is  my  given  name,  Mr.  Batkins." 

I  said  it  was  a  very  handsome  name  indeed,  and  I  did  not 
know  any  lady  in  Cranberry  Centre,  of  that  name. 

11 1  am  glad  it  pleases  you,  Mr.  Batkins.  That  is  a  name 
I  shall  always  keep,  though  I  do  not  think  it  sounds  bad  with 
Feathergilt." 

"  And  that  is  the  name  you  do  not  intend  to  keep,"  I 
replied,  with  a  smile. 

a  Well,  I  do  not  know,  Mr.  Batkins;  pa  and  ma  think  and 
say  that  I  do." 

I  said  nothing. 

"  Are  you  married,  Mr.  Batkins?  " 

"lam  not,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 

I  never  did  undertake  what  I  considered  a  smart  thing,  or 
a  joke,  without  being  sorry  for  it.  This  pleasant  hint  at 
the  probability  of  her  changing  her  name  had  started  an 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  135 

idea  in  her  mind  that  I  was  making  a  kind  of  indirect  at 
tempt  to  bring  her  out  on  that  subject.  Some  time  after,  I 
learned  the  reason  why  the  little  eyes  sparkled  at  my  answer, 
and  the  next  question  followed  with  rapidity  and  evident  grati 
fication  on  her  part. 

"Are  you  engaged,  Mr.  Batkins?  I  think  that  is  what 
Horace  said,  that  you  were  engaged.  Of  course  I  knew  you 
were  not  married.-' 

"I  am  not,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 

"Well,  that's  just  the  way  folks  will  talk.  There  was  a 
report  that  I  was  engaged  to  Mr.  Bean.  The  idea  that  I 
should  be  engaged  to  Mr.  Bean  !  Father  thinks  everything  of 
Mr.  Bean ;  but  then  he  is  too  young,  too  fascinating.  By  the 
way,  do  you  know  how  much  Mr.  Bean  thinks  of  you  ?  He 
says  that  though  you  do  not  show  out  much,  you  will  some 
day  be  one  of  the  greatest  men  in  the  States." 

I  said  I  was  much  obliged  to  Mr.  Bean  for  his  good  opinion. 

"  He  said  he  felt  dreadfully  when  you  fell  out  of  the 
wagon." 

I  said,  "He  ought  to  have  expressed  some  feeling;  "  that 
"  but  for  him  the  accident  would  never  have  occurred." 

We  had  by  this  time  reached  the  bridge  ;  the  sun  had 
emerged  from  the  dark  clouds,  shining  with  full  force  on  the 
water,  which  caused  Miss  Amanda  to  go  into  an  ecstasy  of 
delight,  exclaiming,  "How  splendid!  What  a  beautiful 
scene  !  "  The  toll-gate  was  closed.  I  pulled  up  the  horse  ; 
the  tollman  received  his  money,  opened  the  gate,  and  we  were 
rattling  over  the  bridge. 

She  said  it  was  getting  warm,  and  she  thought,  if  I  had 
no  objection,  we  had  better  have  the  weather-cloth  rolled  up, 
and  put  the  chaise-top  down,  the  air  was  so  refreshing.  I  had 
no  objection  to  rolling  up  the  cloth,  as  my  legs,  none  of  the 
shortest,  were  uncomfortably  situated  in  respect  of  freedom  of 
motion.  I  said  to  her,  after  we  had  crossed  the  bridge,  and 


13G  LIFE    OF 

while  the  horse  was  walking  up  the  hill,  I  would  secure  the 
boot  of  the  chaise,  as  I  called  it,  and  also  depress  the  top, — 
although,  to  tell  the  truth,  I  did  not  care  to  be  seen  driving 
this  young  lady,  with  her  ribbons  flying,  and  her  yellow-com- 
plexioned  hair  assisting  the  ribbons  in  the  gay  display. 

The  rattling  of  the  wheels  upon  the  loose  planks  of  the 
bridge  made  conversation  in  an  ordinary  tone  not  an  easy 
task.  She  kept  her  parasol  moving  about  in  different  direc 
tions,  sometimes  driving  it  into  my  face,  and  for  the  time 
shutting  out  the  view  entirely. 

"  0  Mr.  Batkins,  this  is  exhilarating  !  " 

I  thought  she  would  jump  out  of  the  chaise  with  delight, 
and  I  am  not  sure  that  it  would  not  have  happened,  but  the 
leather  was  only  loosened  at  the  top  loop.  A  carriage  was 
coming  towards  us.  She  made  some  remark  that  I  could  not 
exactly  hear,  and  I  inclined  my  head  to  hers,  stooping  a  little 
to  understand  her  better.  The  near  wheel  struck  a  stone, 
which  sent  her  suddenly  towards  me,  and  the  action  brought 
the  parasol  so  as  to  cover  both  our  heads ;  at  which  the  party 
in  the  approaching  carriage  bawled  out,  as  they  passed  us, 
u  Pretty  well  done;  try  it  again  !  "  She  heard  it,  of  course, 
and,  looking  me  full  in  the  face,  said  she  wondered  what  the 
impudent  fellow  meant.  u  You  don't  suppose  that  he  meant 
that  you  kissed  me,  Mr.  Batkins?  " 

I  said  I  thought  not :  but  as  I  had  no  experience  in  such 
matters  I  could  not  tell.  I  am  not  certain  that,  if  I  had 
been  the  party  in  the  other  chaise,  I  should  not  have  had 
some  such  idea,  if  I  had  supposed  such  things  ever  did  occur 
on  a  public  road  in  the  daytime. 

We  had  now  crossed  the  bridge,  -and  the  horse  appearing  to 
be  inclined  to  walk.  I  set  myself  at  work  rolling  up  the  boot.- 
I  gave  the  reins  into  the  hands  of  Miss  Amanda,  who  said  she 
could  drive  as  well  as  anybody.  I  had  observed  on  one  side 
of  the  road  a  limb  of  a  tree  was  projected  over  the  travelled 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  137 

path  on  that  side.  The  horse  started  into  a  gentle  trot,  which, 
in  the  attitude  I  was  in,  catching  the  straps,  gave  an  irregu 
lar  motion  to  the  chaise  ;  the  horse  gave  a  sudden  shy,  and, 
the  next  observation  I  made  of  the  limb  of  the  tree  was  at  the 
horse's  head ;  and  before  I  could  secure  the  reins  to  check  the 
horse,  or  turn  him,  the  limb  struck  the  top  of  the  chaise.  I 
stooping  to  avoid  the  blow  upon  my  head.  Miss  Amanda, 
sensibly  enough,  seeing  the  danger,  fell  down  from  the  seat, 
her  weight  upon  my  legs,  which  disabled  me  still  further  from 
directing  the  horse.  The  effect  of  the  limb  upon  the  top  of 
the  chaise  rendered  unnecessary  any  further  attempt  on  my 
part  to  comply  with  Miss  Feathergilt's  request  to  put  down 
the  chaise-top  ;  it  was  effectually  done.  She  fainted.  I  put 
her  upon  the  seat,  using  a  fan  and  a  bottle  she  had  with  her, 
to  aid  in  resuscitating  her.  It  was  not  long  before,  as  they 
term  it,  "  she  come  to,"  somewhat  bewildered,  saying  :  — 

"  What  a  wonderful  preservation  !  " 

I  said,  "  Yes,  marvellous  !  " 

"  You  are  riot  hurt,  Mr.  Batkins  ?  " 

I  said,  "No." 

"  Ah,  well,"  she  said,  in  a  condoling  tone,  "it  is  not  so  bad 
as  being  thrown  from  a  wagon." 

I  hesitated,  then  said  "  it  was  not." 

I  made  the  best  arrangement  I  could  of  the  shattered  chaise- 
top,  and  asked  her  if  she  did  not  think  we  had  better  return. 

In  the  mean  time  there  were  signs  of  a  repetition  of  the 
squall  and  shower.  She  said  she  would  like  to  ride  a  little 
further,  and  I  began  to  think,  if  she  did  get  a  little  wet,  I 
wouldn't  mind  my  share  of  the  rain.  To  be  sure,  I  had  some 
misgiving  as  to  the  damage  my  hat  and  best  coat  might  re 
ceive  in  the  event  of  being  without  shelter,  as  the  disabled 
chaise-top  would  not  afford  much  protection.  We  were  going 
along  again,  and  for  some  time  Miss  Feathergilt  was  silent. 
She  hummed  tunes  partly  to  herself;  then  asked  me  if  I  was 


138  LIFE   OF 

fond  of  music.  I  said  I  was  tolerably  fond,  when  a  good  band 
played.  She  asked  me  if  I  could  sing.  I  told  her  I  could  not. 
She  had  taken  music  lessons,  and  could  play  on  the  piano 
forte.  She  commenced  a  fashionable  song,  stopped  sud 
denly,  and  asked  me  if  I  was  fond  of  reading.  I  re 
plied,  "Not  much."  She  wanted  to  know  if  I  had  read 
"Charlotte  Temple,"  or  "  Eliza  Wharton."  I  said  I  had 
never  heard  of  the  women,  and  perhaps  my  readers  never 
have.  She  said  they  were  both  novels,  and  beautiful  ones ; 
that  she  cried  over  them,  when  she  first  read  them,  just  as  if 
they  were  real ;  and  they  were  founded  on  facts.  I  had  no 
doubt  of  the  effect  they  had  upon  her,  and  so  expressed  my 
self.  "  What  is  your  favorite  reading  ?  "  - 1  told  her,  "  Rob 
inson  Crusoe."  She  said  she  had  never  heard  of  it,  and 
wanted  to  know  if  it  was  anything  like  "  Pilgrim's  Progress." 
She  said  her  mother  read  that,  and  the  "  Arabian  Nights." 
She  asked  what  "Robinson  Crusoe"  was  about.  As  that 
history  was  my  favorite,  I  could  talk  about  him,  and  informed 
her  somewhat  of  the  experience  of  that  famous  mariner  of 
York.  She  wanted  to  know  if  there  were  any  women  on  the 
island.  I  told  her  it  was  a  desolate  island.  Miss  Feather- 
gilt,  after  a  sound  which  escaped  from  her  inmost  recesses,  as  she 
termed  the  place  of  its  origin,  and  which  I  afterwards"  learned  to 
be  a  sigh,  said,  "  Well,  I  do  not  believe  it  could  be  a  good 
novel,  if  there  were  no  women  in  it,  nor  lovers."  I  remarked 
that  it  was  not  a  novel,  but  a  true  history  of  Mr.  Crusoe's 
life  and  adventures.  She  listened,  I  thought,  with  consider 
able  interest  to  my  recital  of  some  of  "Man  Friday's"  mis 
haps  and  misapprehensions,  and  asked  if  he  was  really  a  black 
man.  I  assured  her  that  I  had  never  heard  it  doubted  before. 
She  said  she  would  get  the  dear  Crusoe  from  the  library,  and, 
if  she  liked  it,  pa  should  buy  it  for  her  the  next  time  he  went 
to  Boston.  She  said  she  was  one  of  that  kind  that,  when  she 
liked  anything,  she  did  like  it,  and  she  did  not  care  who  knew 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  139 

it.  I  was  pleased  with  her  decision,  as  it  was  in  approval  of 
my  literary  tastes.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  am  aware  that  girls 
do  not  take  to  "Robinson  Crusoe,"  as  they  term  it,  and  I 
thought  I  would  endeavor  to  read  tl  Charlotte  Temple,"  and 
"  Eliza  Wharton,"  out  of  compliment  to  her  promise  in  rela 
tion  to  my  weakness  perhaps,  or  fondness  for  Crusoe's  life, 
written  by  himself. 

There  was  a  pause.  I  was  musing.  I  felt  awkward."  Miss 
Feathergilt  broke  the  silence  in  a  few  remarks  about  riding  by 
moonlight.  She  thought  that  a  charming  way  to  pass  time, 
' '  particularly  if  happening  to  be  in  company  with  one  one 
is  inclined  to  admire,  Mr.  Batkins." 

I  said,  "No  doubt." 

"Have  you  ever  been  in  Boston,  Mr.  Batkins?  " 

"  I  have  heard  that  I  once  visited  Boston  with  my  mother, 
when  I  was  an  infant ;  but  I  have  no  recollection  of  it." 

"  How  old  are  you,  Mr.  Batkins  ?  " 

I  replied,  "  In  the  neighborhood  of  thirty  or  so." 

"  Dear  me  !  "  she  said,  "  I  thought  you  were  older  than 
that.  Not  that  you  look  very  old;  but  then,  you  are  so  tall." 

"How  old  do  you  call  yourself," — I  was  about  to  say 
Amanda,  —  "  Miss  Feathergilt  ?  " 

"  0  Mr.  Batkins,  that  is  a  question  you  ought  not  to  ask  a 
lady.  I  am  a  little  older  than  my  brother  Horace." 

I  began  to  think  I  had  made  a  mistake  in  asking  such  a 
question,  and  suggested  that  I  did  not  expect  her  to  tell  lier 
age.  We  were  now  riding  along  at  the  top  of  the  horse's 
speed,  over  a  level  plain ;  the  sun  was  fast  sinking,  and  a 
strange  mixture  of  clouds  was  gathering.  I  dare  say  the 
scene  was  one  of  great  beauty  to  those  who  understand  such 
matters ;  from  my  observation  and  a  hint  or  two  on  the  signs 
from  the  almanacs,  I  differed  from  Miss  Feathergilt,  who  saw 
in  the  prospect  ahead  a  long  and  beautiful  moonlight  evening. 
This  she  said  in  so  many  words,  and  added  that  if  her  father 


140  LIFE    OF 

or  Mr.  Bean  Avas  driving,  she  would  not  hesitate  to  ask  either 
of  them  to  drive  her  to  West  Cranberry,  where  she  had  a 
cousin,  whom  she  should  like  very  much  to  see ;  but  as  she 
supposed  my  young  lady  would  be  waiting  for  me,  and  she 
should  not  like  to  have  anybody  made  to  feel  unpleasant  on 
her  account,  she  would  not  ask  me  to  go  any  further  than  the 
four  corners,  —  about  two  miles  further  on,  —  and  she  would 
ask  Mr.  Bean  to  drive  her  to  her  cousin's  the  next  day.  I 
wondered  if  Bean  was  trying  to  marry  this  girl,  or«how  it  was. 

As  I  was  not  disposed  to  have  her  think  any  young  lady 
was  waiting  for  me,  I  said,  "  Miss  Feathergilt,  there's  no 
young  lady  to  wait  for  me,  or  any  lady  but  Aunt  Dolly ;  and 
if  you  wish  to  see  your  cousin,  I  shall  be  pleased  to  drive  you 
to  West  Cranberry." 

She  seemed  pleased  at  this.  The  clouds  continued  to  get 
together,  and  I  felt  sure  it  would  not  be  long  before  there 
would  be  a  collision  above,  which  would  materially  shorten  our 
ride.  Now  and  then  a  gust  of  wind,  with  a  sprinkle  of  large 
drops  of  rain  warned  us  of  what  was  coming. 

A  little  way  from  the  road  was  an  old,  two-story  building,  with 
a  long,  open  shed.  It  seemed  scarcely  habitable,  but  a  smoke 
from  the  chimney  indicated  that  it  contained  human  beings. 
The  shattered  condition  of  the  house,  and  the  surroundings,  — • 
broken  fences,  dilapidated  walls,  and  wrecks  of  farm  utensils,  — 
were  proofs  that  the  inhabitants  must  be  of  a  class  of  shiftless, 
decayed  agriculturists,  so  often  seen  on  the  outskirts  of  very 
•respectable  towns.  I  had  no  knowledge  of  the  locality ;  but 
in  view  of  the  threatening  signs  between  us  and  the  sky,  I  was 
looking  at  it  as  a  probable  port  of  safety,  as  a  sailor  would  say, 
when  the  hurricane  came. 

We  had  not  long  passed  this  monument  of  the  ruin  of  some 
body's  other  days'  hopes,  when  it  seemed  as  if  the  wind  would 
whirl  the  chaise,  horse,  myself,  and  Miss  Feathergilt  up  into 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  141 

the  air.     The  leaves  were  flying  from   the   trees,   and   some 
good-sized  limbs  were  crackling  and  breaking  away. 


"It  is  coming,"  said  she. 


"  It  has  come,"  said  I. 

I  let  go  the  boot,  and  turned  the  horse  arouryl  until  the 
tempest  had  decided  which  way  the  wind  would  blow,  after 
the  first  experiment  of  blowing  from  all  quarters  at  once  should 
have  succeeded  or  failed,  as  the  case  might  be.  Now  came  a 
flash  of  lightning,  with  a  quick-following  thunder-clap.  I 
tried  to  make  a  temporary  shelter  with  'the  damaged  chaise- 
top,  when  I  requested  Miss  Fea-thergilt  to  hold  on  with  one 
hand  until  I  could  get  the  strap  of  the  boot  fastened  to  it.  I 
made  out  to  hold  on  with  one  hand,  keeping  Prince  to  his 
work  with  the  other,  the  best  way  I  could.  The  black  cloud, 
in  which  was  concealed  one  of  the  finest  hail-storms  I  think  I 
had  ever  seen,  was  moving  on. 

"It  is  too  bad  !  "  said  Miss  Feathergilt.  "  Now  we  shall 
have  to  go  home,  and  have  no  moonlight  ride.  It  would  have 
been  so  pleasant,  Mr.  Batkins.  to  have  listened  to  your  story 
of  Mr.  Crusoe.  If  there  had  been  a  Mrs.  Crusoe,  I  should 
have  liked  it  better." 

"  Crusoe  "  was  my  weak  point ;  but,  as  the  hail  was  coming 
into  the  chaise,  my  whole  attention  was  directed  to  the-  best 
and  shortest  method  of  getting  back  to  the  friendly  shelter  of 
the  poverty-stricken  shed,  —  which  doubtless  had  many  open 
ings  through  its  moss-covered  and  water-logged  roof;  still  it 
was  better  than  anything  else  we  could  get  out  of  the  foul- 
weather  protectives  of  Feathergilt' s%  chaise. 

Thunder,  lightning,  rain,  and  hail  were  upon  us ;  the  wind 
whistled.  Miss  Feathergilt.  alarmed,  said  it  was  dreadful. 
She  let  go  the  strap  ;  I  was  afraid  to  do  the  same  with  my  end 
of  the  leather.  I  gave  Prince  the  reins,  and  allowed  him  to 
gallop  into  the  yard,  bringing  him  up  handsomely  under  the 
old  shed.  From  the  appearance  of  matters  now,  it  was  quite 


112  LIFE    OF 

possible  we  should  have  to  pass  some  time  in  the  chaise,  or 
accept  the  hospitality  of  the  old  house,  if  we  were  fortunate 
enough  to  have  it  tendered  to  us. 

It  had  become  quite  dark.  At  the  farthest  corner  of  the 
building  a  light  was  seen.  The  roof  of  the  shed  proved  to  be 
more  water-proof  than  I  had  given  it  credit  for.  I  asked 
Miss  Feathergilt  what  we  had  better  do.  She  said  she  was 
not  much  wet,  and  she  was  willing  to  remain  in  the  chaise 
until  the  shower  was  over.  She  would  tell  me  about  "  Char 
lotte  Temple,"  and  I  might  tell  her  about  "  Robinson  Crusoe." 
I  said  so  be  it ;  and  she  had  better  begin.  She  did  begin. 
She  said  on  the  title-page  there  was  some  poetry,  thus :  — 

"  She  was  her  parents'  only  joy, — 
They  had  but  one,  one  darling  child;  " 

and  then  another  verse,  that  ended  with  :  — 

"  But,  ah!  the  cruel  spoiler  came." 

I  listened  to  all  she  said,  thinking,  however,  more  of  the 
awkwardness  of  my  situation  ;  but  it  was  not  until  afterwards 
that  I  comprehended,  in  its  full  length  and  breadth,  the  foun 
dation  I  had  made  for  the  gossip  and  scandal  of  Cranberry 
Centre.' 

Occasionally  I  heard  doors  opening  and  shutting  in  the  old 
house.  Miss  Feathergilt  continued  her  narration,  pausing  at 
times  to  ask  me,  "  Is  not  that  good?  "  "Is  not  that  nice  ?  " 
"Is  not  that  a  shame?"  as  the  sentiment  or  action  of  the 
story  appeared  to  her.  I  responded,  yes,  or  no,  as  I  gathered 
from  the  tone  of  her  voice  the  direction  of  her  wishes.  My 
nerves  were  in  a  twitter,  and  I  verily  thought  I  should  jump 
out  of  my  skin,  as  rny  attention  was  called  to  a  sort  of  two- 
voiced-whispering,  almost  under  the  body  of  the  chaise.  By 
the  light  reflected  from  an  open  door,  I  beheld  two  slatternly 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  143 

dressed  girls,  with  shawls  over  their  heads,  who  had  evidently 
come  out  on  a  mission  of  discover/.  One  said  to  the  other, 
"  No."  The  other  said  to  the  one,  "  Yes;  I  tell  you  it  is  a 
feller  and  his  gal.7'  The  one  said  to  the  other,  "Be  still; 
don't  let  them  hear  you.  Perhaps  it  is  a  man  and  his  wife." 
The  other,  with  a  "  Pooh  !  "  and  a  "  Hush  !  "  somewhat  pro 
longed,  said,  "Do  you  suppose,  if  they  were  man  and  wife, 
they  would  be  such  fools  as  to  sit  there  in  the  cold  in  the 
chaise  all  this  time  ?  The  man  might,  the  woman  would  not. 
Would  you  now,  Clarissa?" 

Clarissa  admitted  that  she  did  not  think  she  would,  and 
remarked  to  the  other  that  she  would  see  who  we  were,  and 
recommended  the  use  of  a  lantern  ;  but  Evelina  —  the  name  of 
the  other  —  said  it  was  in  the  barn.  There  was  now  silence 
under  the  chaise,  but  Miss  Feathergilt  had  been  trying  to 
remember  something  about  a  Miss  Wetherby,  in  the  story,  and 
had  succeeded,  and  so  informed  me :  — 

"This  is  it,  Mr.  Batkins.  Perhaps  you  have  known  just 
such  ladies :  — 

"  '  But  like  the  tulip  caught  the  eye, 
Born  just  to  bo  admired  and  die; 
When  gone,  no  one  regrets  its  loss, 
Or  scarce  remembers  that  it  was.' 

"  That  is  just  what  Miss  Wetherby  was." 

I  do  not  know  what  I  said.  I  was  as  uneasy  as  if  I  was 
sitting  on  nettles,  thinking  of  these  girls  making  inspection  as 
to  who  we  were. 

Both  were  wrong  in  respect  to  the  propositions  as  to  ' i  fel 
low  and  sweetheart,"  or  "  man  and  wife."  We  were  neither; 
but  as  to  the  other  character  assigned  to  us,  I  would  admit  in 
my  own  case  the  insinuation  to  have  been  true,  if  I  had  will 
ingly  occupied  the  seat  referred  to.  I  asked  Miss  Feathergilt 
if  she  heard  the  voices  outside.  She  said  she  did  not.  I  was 
listening  for  the  next  instalment  of  opinion  from  these  fair 


144  LIFE    OF 

observers,  and  requested  Miss  Feathergilt  to  assist  with  her 
ears,  which  had  the  effect,  as  she  complied  with  my  request,  to 
stop  her  story  of  "  Charlotte  Temple,"  which  appeared  to  me, 
as  far  I  understood  it,  not  appropriate  for  the  occasion.  •* 

The  curious  individuals  referred  to  had  changed  their  posi 
tions  and  were  endeavoring  to  ascertain  who  or  what  we  really 
were.  One  said,  "  They  are  both  men."  The  other  said, 
"No,  they  are  both  women."  After  a  little  more  reconnoi 
tring,  one  yielding  and  the  other  yielding, — splitting  the 
difference,  as  people  call  this  kind  of  compromise,  either  of 
money  or  relation  of  facts,  —  they  fell  back  upon  their  first 
opinion,  that  one  was  a  man  and  the  other  a  woman,  or  a  girl, 
without  deciding  whether  the  two  were  in- expectancy  or  in 
reality  in  conjugal  relations. 

"Nice  place  for  courting,  anyhow,"  said  one. 

"  I  don't  think  so  ;  rather  cold  love,"  said  the  other. 

"Why,  Mr.  Batkins,"  whispered  Miss  Feathergilt,  putting 
her  head  close  to  rny  cheek  ;  she  had  to  raise  up  a  little  to  do 
this,  and  I  instinctively  to  drop  down  a  little.  I  felt  her 
breath  on  my  face,  as  warm  as  the  steam  of  a  teakettle,  —  "  Mr. 
Batkins,  do  you  hear  what  those  people  say?  Are  they  men 
or  women  ?  ' ' 

Their  voices  were  somewhat  rough,  though  stifled  by  their 
endeavors  not  to  be  heard ;  yet  I  felt  warranted  to  assert  that 
they  were  women  by  so  much  of  their  costume  as  I  had  made  out. 

"  Why,  Mr.  Batkins,  what  shall  we  do?  Let  us  get  out  and 
show  them  who  we  are." 

For  myself  I  objected  to  this  movement.  I  said  if  she  wished 
to  get  out  for  any  purpose,  I  would  assist  her.  She  declined,  say 
ing  she  could  remain  in  the  chaise  as  long  as  I  could.  There  was 
more  whispering  outside.  The  rain  had  ceased,  and  looking 
through  the  glass  in  the  back  of  the  chaise  I  thought  I  could 
perceive  some  beams  of  moonlight.  Cautioning  Miss  Feather- 
gilt  to  be  ready  for  a  start,  and  recommending  her  to  conceal 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  145 

her  face,  I  backed  the  horse  from  the  shed,  and  as  I  turned 
his  head  in  the  direction  of  the  road  to  Cranberry  Centre 
the  full  moon  shone  in  our  faces.  We  had  doubled  upon  the 
young  ladies  who  had  been  watching  us ;  they  had  not  seen 
us,  and  could  not  recognize  us.  They  gave  us,  however,  a 
parting  evidence  of  their  good  will,  by  wishing  us  a  "Good 
night,  and  better  luck  next  time."  The  top  of  the  chaise  was 
let  down,  the  boot  removed;  as  a  guard  from  the  showers  of 
mud  flying  from  the  wheels  and  the  feet  of  the  horse,  as  the 
vehicle  was  dragged  through  the  puddles  of  the  road  at  a  rapid 
pace.  It  was  not  long  before  we  were  rushing  back  across  the 
bridge,  in  violation  of  the  law,  the  rattling  of  the  loose  planks 
suggesting  a  speed  something  in  advance  of  six  miles  an  hour. 
Neither  of  us  spoke,  until  the  lights  in  the  windows  of  the 
houses  of  Cranberry  Centre  were  visible,  and  among  them,  dis 
tinguishable  by  the  extent  of  the  illumination,  was  plainly 
seen  the  villa  of  Miss  Feathergilt's  father. 

"  We  shall  soon  be  home,"  said  my  companion  j  "  but  what 
will  folks  say  ?" 

As  I  had  no  idea  what  they  would  say,  I  could  not  give  her 
the  information  she  required.  I  was  so  delighted  myself  with 
the  prospect  of  soon  being  relieved  from  Miss  Feathergilt's 
"Charlotte  Temple"  and  "Eliza  Wharton,"  that  I  cared 
very  little  what  anybody  might  say.  I  was  conscious  of  hav 
ing  done  no  harm  to  anybody  but  myself;  and  the  damage  to 
the  chaise  was  certainly  in  consequence  of  no  act  of  mine. 
Still  I  could  not  but  remember  the  affair  of  the  wagon,  and 
was  prepared  to  tell  the  truth,  if  I  was  questioned  as  to  our 
late  arrival. 

It  was  nine  o'clock  as  we  turned  into  the  yard  of  Feather- 
gilt's  villa.  I  drove  up  to  the  piazza,  and  handed  Miss  Feath- 
ergilt  out.  She  rushed  into  the  house,  as  a  groom  came  to 
receive  Prince  and  the  remains  of  the  carriage.  I  heard  Mrs. 
Feathergilt  say,  "Amanda,  where  have  you  been?"  and 
10 


146  LIFE    OF 

while  she  was  relating  the  adventure  to  the  family,  I  attended 
the  groom  to  the  stable.  '  He  had  discovered  the  condition  of 
the  chaise,  only  remarking,  "  You  have  had  a  smash-up,  sir." 
I  replied  in  the  affirmative,  and  requested  him  to  drive  me  to 
the  farm  in  his  wagon,  after  giving  Prince  to  the  care  of 
Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt's  man,  who  proceeded  to  give  him 
proper  care,  while  jny  friend  was  putting  another  horse  to  the 
wagon,  in  which  he  drove  me  to  the  homestead,  —  where  Aunt 
Dolly  had  been  some  time  expecting  me  to  do  justice  to  a  nice 
supper  of  ham  and  eggs,  with  such  toast,  coffee,  and  cream  as 
she  knew  so  well  how  to  prepare. 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  147 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

9  EXPLANATION. 

I  DID  not  like  to  be  badgered  about  our  ride.  The.re  had 
been  no  particular  anxiety  felt  at  Feathergilt's  villa  in  conse 
quence  of  the  absence  of  Miss  Amanda.  "  She  was  with  Mr. 
Batkins,"  her  mother  said,  "  and  that  was  enough  ;  they  had 
been  caught  in  the  shower,  probably,  and  had  stopped  at  some 
neighbor's  house ;  or  perhaps  Mr.  Batkins  had  invited  her  to 
see  his  model  farm."  Mr.  Feathergilt  said  he  knew  Mr.  Bat- 
kins  had  the  reputation  of  being  a  skilful  driver ;  but  still  he 
was  a  kind  of  Jonah,  as  his  accident  when  riding  with  Mr. 
Bean  corroborated.  "Yes,"  said  Bean,  who  was  at  the  villa; 
"  but  that  was  wholly  my  fault.  I  was  driving  that  team. 
If  Batkins  had  had  his  way,  he  would  never  have  been  thrown 
from  the  wagon." 

When  Amanda  arrived,  for  the  moment  I  was  forgotten  in 
the  joy  of  her  reception.  This  gave  to  me  the  opportunity  to 
ride  off  with  Tom,  without  comment ;  but,  as  I  heard  the 
matter  from  Bean,  after  the  usual  questions,  "Where  have 
you  been?"  "What  has  happened  to  you?"  had  been 
asked  and  answered,  the  gentlemen  retired  to  finish  the  even 
ing  with  a  game  of  cards.  Bean  explained  the  game  to  me, 
offered  to  teach  it  to  me ;  but  I  declined ;  and  to  this  day 
cards  are  not  among  my  accomplishments. 

Amanda  told  her  father  as  much  as  she  thought  proper  of 
our  conversation,  concluding  with  a  request  to  purchase  a  copy 
of  the  life  of  "  Crusoe,"  and  asked  him  if  he  had  ever  read  it. 
He  said  he  had  not,  but  would  purchase  a  copy  for  her.  Mrs. 


148  LIFE    OF 

Feathergilt  took  Amanda  aside,  who  had  made  a  toilet  for  the 
evening,  not  forgetting  to  arrange  the  bunch  of  yellow  hair,  and 
asked  her  how  she  liked  Mr.  Batkins.  She  said,  ' '  Very  well, 
only  he  don't  talk  much."  She  asked  Amanda  if  he  said  any 
thing  that  sounded  like  a  proposition.  Amanda  thought  he 
did  once  or  twice ;  he  asked  her  age.  "  I  hope  you  did  not  tell 
him."  —  "  Oh,  no  ;  I  only  told  him  I  was  olcfer  than  Horace." 
Bean  was  about,  as  he  said,  Mrs.  Feathergilt,  therefore,  not 
liking  *to  be  impolite,  whispered  to  Amanda  that  she  might 
sleep  in  her  room  that  night,  and  tell  her  all  that  happened. 

My  recollections  went  to  a  matter  beyond  the  ride,  which  I 
thought  of  sufficient  importance  to  attend  to  early  the  next 
day,  —  and  for  that  purpose  I  determined  to  see  Bean  and 
Mr.  Feathergilt,  —  about  the  twenty  lots  of  land  knocked  off 
to  me  by  the  chicanery  of  the  Boston  auctioneer.  I  shall  not 
enlarge  on  such  small  matters  as  the  condition  of  my  clothes 
after  the  ride,  or  precisely  what  were  my  thoughts  during  the 
hours  between  my  arrival  at  the  homestead,  and  my  departure 
on  the  next  morning  for  an  interview  with  somebody  who 
would  make  me  more  comfortable  on  the  land  question.  I  had 
a  desire  also  to  see  the  Feathergilt  folks,  and  get  over  the  ride 
affair.  As  there  was  money  in  the  one  case,  and  only  an 
accident  in  the  other,  my  mind  was  pretty  much  monopolized 
by  the  former.  My  disposition  was  to  avoid  these  little  do 
mestic  matters,  in  which  the  woman  element  was  predomi 
nant  ;  but  when  my  pocket  was  the  question,  I  was  assiduous 
on  the  right  of  property,  to  at  least  an  approximate  degree  of 
energetic  action. 

My  first  visit  was  made  to  Mr.  Bean.  I  had  kept  away  from 
that  scene  of  ifly  commercial  enterprise,  the  store,  since  my 
final  departure  with  the  books  and  papers.  This  incident  in 
my  life  is  strongly  marked  in  my  almanac  journal,  and  I  did 
think  that  I  never  should  again  enter  its  well-known  doors  while 
Mr.  Aristarchus  Bean  was  the  proprietor.  I  think  I  am  now 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  149 

in  or  about  the  crisis  of  one  of  the  seven-year  changes,  and  new 
atoms  —  or,  as  Dr.  Slawter  calls  them,  molecules  —  are  getting 
the  better  of  the  old  ones,  and  if  their  action  is  in  accordance 
with  a  republican  form  of  government,  that  the  majority  should 
rule,  my  atoms  are  in  a  corresponding  condition  of  action.  I 
feel  sensibly  a  change.  The  land  sale,  and  the  ride  in  the 
shower,  perhaps  may  be  causes,  or  they  may  be  effects. 

I  found  Mr.  Bean  busy  at  his  books,  and  a  little,  queer-look 
ing  boy,  dressed  after  the  pattern  I  had  adopted  when  engaged 
in  cleaning  oil-cans,  grinding  sugar,  and  such  similar  forms 
of  muscular  exercise.  There  was  a  difference  in  color  of  the 
store  livery,  my  apron  and  jacket  being  green,  while  Mr.  Bean's 
assistant's  was  red.  Mr.  Bean  received  me  very  affably ;  said 
he  was  glad  to  see  me ;  hoped  I  had  not  taken  cold  in  the 
shower.  I  assured  him  I  had  not. 

"Well,"  he  said,  "  I  suppose  not.  In  company  with  such 
an  animated  and  warm-hearted  girl  as  Miss  Feathergilt,  wet 
jacket  or  wet  feet  ought  not  to  succeed  in  disturbing  the 
proper  balance  of  circulation  in  a  young  man  like  you,  Bat- 
kins.  How  do  you  like  Amanda,  on  the  whole  ?" 

' '  I  did  not  come  here  to  talk  about  Miss  Feathergilt,  but 
the  house-lots  that  were  knocked  off  to  me  at  the  auction  when 
I  made  no  bid." 

"  Oh,  that  is  all  right,"  said  Bean.  "I  will  lend  you  the 
money,  or  Mr.  Feathergilt  will,  if  you  don't  feel  like  paying 
all  yourself." 

"  I  don't  want  the  land,  Mr.  Bean,  and  I  will  not  take  it ; 
that's  the  end  of  it,"  I  said,  with  considerable  firmness  of  tone, 
and  acted  up  to  it  with  the  closing  of  my  lips  tight  over  my 
teeth,  and  striking  my  clenched  right  hand  upon  the  counter. 
The  blow  caused  a  large  glass  jar,  in  which  were  some  fine 
specimens  of  candles,  to  topple  from  a  box  upon  which  it  had 
been  placed  by  the  new  shop-boy ;  between  us  we  prevented  it 
from  falling  to  the  floor.  This  narrow  escape  from  committing 


150  LIFE    OF 

a  damage  to  his  property  recalled  me  a  little  from  the  mo 
mentary  display  of  decision  I  was  making.  I  repeated  my 
resolution  less  firmly  perhaps,  and  added  to  it,  by  way  of 
compensation  for  the  subtraction  of  the  vehement  action,  these 
words  :  "  I  mean  what  I  say,  Mr.  Bean.  I  really  do." 

Bean  laughed  at  me.  "  Batkins,"  said  he.  "I  am  doing  a 
good  thing  for  you,  and  by  and  by  you  will,  see  it.  and  ac 
knowledge  it.  Marry  Feathergilt's  daughter,  and  come  into 
the  ring  with  us,  and  it  will  not  be  long  before  you  will  be 
one  of  the  '  biggest  toads  in  the  puddle.' ' 

I  might  not  have  usjsd  the  language  I  now  use,  —  I  did  not 
keep  the  record  in  full,  —  but  my  answer  was  in  about  this  sub 
stance  :  "  Mr.  Bean,  I  do  not  desire  your  friendship.  You  have 
cheated  me  once.  No  man  can  cheat  me  twice  in  the  same 
way.  I  did  not  buy  the  land.  I  will  not  have  the  land.  I 
am  not  going  to  marry  anybody ;  consequently  I  shall  not 
marry  Miss  Feathergilt ;  \  and  when  I  do  think  of  marrying,  I 
shall  make  my  own  selection." 

"That's  very  well,  Mr.  Batkins.  You  have  been  on  a 
rather  suspicious  ride  with  this  lady.  Instead  of  taking  her 
home,  as  her  father  requested  you  to  do,  you  carried  her  to 
the  next  town,  stopped  at  one  of  the  worst  places  in  the  coun 
try,  and  in  the  evening  left  her  at  her  father's  door,  without 
any  apology,  and  drove  off  to  your  home  witn  one  of  Feather- 
gilt's  horses,  with  no  word  either  to  the  lady  or  any  of  the 
family." 

"  It  was  all  accidental,  Mr.  Bean." 

"Accidental,  Batkins?  It  was  an  accident,  was  it.  that 
took  you  to  the  sea-captain's  wife,  that  resulted  you  know,  in 
being  thrown  from  a  wagon  ?  ' ' 

"I  was  not  thrown  from  a  wagon,  Mr.  Bean;  you  know 
better  than  that." 

"  Well,  that  is  the  way  it  is  now  understood.  You  will  not 
get  off  so  well  this  time." 


JEFFERSON  S.   BATKINS.  151 

"  How  did  you  know  where  we  went?  "  I  asked,  with  an  air 
of  incredulous  coolness. 

"Why,  was  I  not  at  the  villa,  and  did  not  Miss  Amanda 
tell  the  whole  story  ?  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  swears  you 
shall*  answer  to  him  for  the  scandal  that  will  come  to  his 
sister's  character.  I  should  not  be  surprised  if  he  should  chal 
lenge  you  to  fight  him,  or  marry  his  sister ;  or  the  old  gentle 
man  might  persuade  his  fighting  son  to  yield  to  his  views, 
and  punish  you  in  a  legal  way,  by  a  suit  at  law  for  damages. 
You  would  not  like  to  be  arrested,  Batkins,  for  abduction  of  a 
young  girl,  or  for  a  breach  cf  promise  in  case  you  marry 
during  the  single  life  of  Miss  Amanda  Feathergilt." 

I  really  had  no  idea  any  such  things  could  happen ;  but  I 
was  perfectly  aware  that  .if  it  suited  Mr.  Bean's  purpose  to 
have  it  tried,  it  would  be  done.  I  had  not  forgotten  Miss 
Trivetts,  and  how  I  felt  then.  Of  course,  my  experience  with 
the  sea-captain's  wife  was  too  recent  to  have  escaped  my  con 
sideration.  Bean  had  gone  to  his  books,  as  if  something  had 
occurred  to  him  suddenly,  leaving  me  to  talk  to  myself,  or  his 
shop-boy,  or  go  away,  just  as  I  pleased.  I  knew  his  way.  I 
was  revolving  in  my  mind  how  improbable  it  was,  from  my 
known  character  for  rectitude,  to  be  suspected  of  such  a  vil- 
lanous  plan  as  to  run  away  with  Miss  Feathergilt,  even  if 
she  had  been  willing,  and  everybody  knew  it ;  and  then,  a 
breach  of  promise  appeared  to  me  the  height  of  absurdity.  I 
was  about  to  address  him,  when  he  returned  from  his  books. 

"  Well,  Batkins.  you  have  thought  the  matter  over,  and  I 
suppose  you  will  do  the  right  thing." 

"  I  am  always  ready,  fo  .do  that,  Mr.  Bean.  In  this  case, 
what  do  you  call  the  right  thing  ?  " 

"  The  right  thing?  Why,  of  course,  first  go  and  pay  for 
your  land,  or  fix  it  some  way.  They  will  lend  you  the 
money  at  the  bank  on  your  note  endorsed  by  your  father." 


152  LIFE    OF 

i 

"No,  sir,  I  will  not  do  that.  I  will  not  give  a  note  to 
anybody." 

"  Well,  pay  the  money  then." 

"  No,  I  will  not  do  that." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Batkins,  what  do  you  propose  to  do?  " 

"I  propose  to  explain  to  Mr.  Feathergilt  the  mistake  of 
the  auctioneer.  I  propose  to  state'  to  him  also,  and  to  his  wife, 
and  to  Mr.  Horace,  how  the  affair  of  the  ride  happened,  and 
trust  to  my  character  in  the  town  to  protect  me  against  any 
insinuations  from  any  quarter;  "  giving  him  at  the  same  time 
the  idea  that  the  quarter  I  meant  was  about  where  he  stood. 

"Character,  Batkins?  All  very  well  ;  but  you  are  found 
out.  Do  you  suppose  anybody  will  believe  your  story  after  I 
shall  have  sufficiently  ventilated  the  affair  of  the  sea-captain's 
wife  ?  What  did  you  go  to  that  old  house  for?  " 

"To  get  away  from  the  shower.  I  did  not  know  whose 
house  it  was,  and  I  don't  know  now.  Besides,  you  agreed,  if 
I  paid  you  the  money,  you  would  never  say  anything  about 
that  woman  to  anybody." 

"Yes,  so  far  as  I  was  concerned;  but  when  a  man  who 
pretends  that  his  moral  character  can  protect  him  from  the 
charge  of  attempting  to  run  away  with  the  daughter  of  my 
dear  friend,  making  his  home  desolate,  he  and  his  wife  almost 
childless,  their  only  son  sisterless,  —  that  is  another  thing; 
and  justice,  Batkins,  justice  demands  that  I  should  sacrifice 
all  feelings  that  have  hitherto  led  me  to  conceal  your  follies,  I 
will  not  say  crimes,  from  the  worthy  and  honest  people  of  the 
town.  It  was  only  my  influence,  Batkins,  that  prevented  the 
sea-captain's  wife,  whom  I  will  call 'Matilda,  from  suing  you 
for  assault." 

He  walked  off  to  his  books  again.  The  shop-boy  seemed 
amazed,  though  part  of  this  statement  was  projected  into  my 
ear  with  that  sort  of  shrill  whisper,  close  to  it,  which  increased 
the  distinctness  of  the  emphatic  words.  Though  all  a  lie,  the 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  153 

circumstances  of  that  unfortunate  bill-collecting  embassy  gave 
the  appearance  of  truth  to  all  he  might  allege.  In  my 
mind,  the  complicity  and  relationship  of  these  two  individuals. 
Bean  and  the  lady,  were  beyond  conjecture  or  doubt.  The 
farther  I  am  from  the  scene  of  that  evening's  experience,  the 
more  clearly  I  see  and  appreciate  the  way  in  which  I  was  so 
held  in  check  by  this  fair  specimen  of  the  class  who  get  their 
bread,  not  by  the  sweat  of  their  brows,  but  by  the  villanous 
activity  of  their  brains.  I  wavered,  but  at  last  said,  u  Mr. 
Bean.  I  think  I  shall  take  your  advice  in  part." 

He  left  his  books,  put  on  his  hat,  turned  the  key  of  the  of 
fice,  as  he  called  the  counting-room,  saying  to  the  shop-boy, 
"  Artemus,  I  shall  soon  return  ;  I  am  going  to  the  bank.  Come, 
Mr.  Batkins."  He  seized  me  by  the  arm,  and,  moving  with  a 
quick  step,  he  was  hurrying  me  along  at  a  pace  no  one  in  Cran 
berry  Centre  ever  saw  me  moving  at  before,  on  my  feet.  Al 
most  everybody  we  passed  touched  their  hats  to  Mr.  Bean ; 
some  of  the  people  recognized  me  as  he  hurried  me  along.  If 
it  had  been  Gideon  Bodge,  instead  of  Aristarchus  Bean,  every 
body  would  have  thought  I  was  under  arrest. 

I  could  not  help  thinking,  as  he  was  talking  as  fast  as  he 
walked,  that  I  was  then  in  company  with  one  of  the  greatest 
rascals,  in  his  way,  of  his  age,  in  the  republic.  Subsequent 
events  have  somewhat  modified  that  opinion ;  for  the  present  I 
give  him  the  credit  of  the  discount,  that  hereafter  it  may  be 
placed  right  in  his  account. 

A  building  I  had  not  seen  was  in  view,  —  the  land  com 
pany's  office.  "We  shall  find  him  there,"  said  Bean;  "if 
not,  we  shall  be  sure  to  catch  him  at  the  bank."  He  was  not 
in  the  land  office,  so,  for  the  first  time,  I  entered  that  place  of 
abominations  to  ine,  —  The  Producers',  Farmers',  Traders', 
Manufacturers',  and  Mechanics'  Bank. 


154  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER   XVII. 

» 

CHANGES. 

MY  business  at  the  bank  was  soon  settled.  The  terms  upon 
which  I  was  to  keep  the  house-lots  were  so  liberal  that  I  could 
not  refuse  them.  Mr.  Bean  was  pleased ;  he  congratulated  me 
on  my  financial  change.  I  was  cordially  received  by  Mr. 
Feathergilt  and  Mr.  Spring.  Mr.  Feathergilt  invited  me  to 
his  villa,  and  I  confess,  as  I  left  the  bank,  I  had  experienced  a 
change,  and  felt,  when  I  arrived  at  the  homestead,  like  another 
man,  as  it  were. 

I  subsequently  made  the  call  upon  the  Feathergilts,  was  in 
troduced  formally  to  Mr.  Horace,  and  some  friends  of  the  fam 
ily  who  were  on  a  visit  from  a  neighboring  State.  Mr:  Horace 
made  no  reference  to  the  ride  with  his  sister,  other  than  to  say 
that  he  was  sorry  that  he  had  not  attended  the  sale,  as,  in  that 
case,  he  should  have  driven  his  sister  to  the  villa ;  by  so  do 
ing,  he  should  have  relieved  me  of  the  unpleasant  circumstances 
arising  out  of  my  kindly  taking  his  place.  Miss  Amanda  was 
very  agreeable,  laughing  merrily  at  the  incidents  of  the  old 
house,  particularly  at  the  observations  made  by  the  females  as 
to  our  supposed  social  position.  She  reminded  me  of  her  prom 
ise  to  procure  for  me  "  Charlotte  Temple  "  and  il  Eliza  Whar- 
ton,"  and  repeated  her  earnest  desire  to  commence  reading  my 
favorite  "Robinson  Crusoe." 

I  was  pleased  with  my  call ;  it  proved  th&t  Bean's  account 
of  matters  at  the  villa  was  his  own  invention.  It  appeared  to 
me  that  peace  was  made  all  round ;  but  to  accomplish  it  I  had 
somewhat  yielded  from  previously  established  intentions.  I  had 


JEFFERSON  8.   BATKINS.  155 

entered  Bean's  store ;  I  had  transacted  business  at  the  bank ; 
I  had  been  in  the  land  office ;  I  had  taken  a  deed  of  the  lots  in 
the  new  city ;  I  had  given  a  note ;  I  had  made  a  visit  to  the 
Feathergilt  family  at  their  elegant  mansion. 

I  had  changed.  I  felt  the  change;  and  as  matters  stood 
nothing  appeared  as  the  result  of  the  changes  likely  to  give 
me  any  particular  uneasiness  of  mind.  The  time  passed 
along,  finding  me  engaged  in  the  usual  farm  business;  now 
and  then  making  a  dollar  in  a  cattle-trade.  I  had  become 
interested  in  sheep-raising,  and  one  day  I  had  been  showing 
some  of  my  fine  lambs  to  the  butcher,  who  made  me  an  offer 
of  a  large  price  for  two  or  three  for  slaughter.  I  had  become  * 
quite  attached  to  these  little,  frisking  specimens  of  Angola 
breed,  and  the  proposition  set  my  teeth  on  edge,  as  if  I  had 
been  eating  a  lemon,  or  suddenly  had  bitten  upon  a  bone  in  a 
plum-pudding.  I  declined.  I  said,  "For  no  money,  Mr. 
Shrinker,"  —  the  butcher's  name. 

He  smiled,  played  with  the  blade  of  a  jack-knife  he  had  in 
his  hand,  —  he  had  been  making  skewers,  —  said  he  was  sorry, 
for  Mrs.  Feathergilt  was  desirous  of  tasting  the  flesh  of  one 
of  those  foreign  lambs,  and  he  thought,  as  I  was  to  marry  Mr. 
Feathergilt 7s  daughter,  I  should  be  pleased  to  furnish  the  fam 
ily  with  a  lamb  or  two,  particularly  when  the  price  would  bq 
no  object. 

I  told  my  friend,  the  butcher,  that  I  had  no  intention  ' 
marrying  Miss  Feathergilt,  nor  supplying  their  family  , 
with  my  Angola  lambs. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.JShrinker,  " perhaps  it  is  the 

who  has  the  intention  of  marrying  you,  Mr     p  ,-,  .          «, 

i,      i,       i    A         -f  r       '  -batkins-     She 
was  with  her  father  when  he  asked  me  if  J    „_,  i  •• 

,,,,.<,,,.  -  could  get  an  An 

gola  lamb.     I  told  him  you  had  *om«v   and  j  thoufyh     ^^ 

the   circumstances,   you    would   oblige   him.      ghe   gaid   ^ 
thought  so  too,  and  that  she  shr  uld  admipe       ^  ^  Qf  ^ 
Batkins'  Angola  lambs.     She  knew,  she  said,  'if  Mr.  Bat- 


156  LIFE    OF 

kins  wanted  any  of  father's  stock  he  would  give  it  to  him, 
whether  it  was  an  old  sheep  or  a  lamb.' J 

The  butcher  laughed  as  if  he  had  made  a  good  joke ;  but, 
as  I  did  not^erceive  exactly  the  humor  of  it,  I  did  not  laugh. 
As  I  walked  into  the  house  I  thought  strange  about  the 
lambs,  and  I  wondered  if  Miss  Feathergilt's  desire  to  eat  one 
of  them  was  any  evidence  of  her  affection  for  me.  Aunt 
Dolly  seemed  a  little  disturbed  as  she  came  from  her  pantry 
to  meet  me.  "  Ah,"  says  I3  "  Aunt  Dolly,  what's  the  matter 
with  the  milk,  the  cream,  or  the  butter?  " 

"  Nothing,  Jefferson,  with  either.  All  things  are  right  in 
'the  pantry." 

"What  is  it  then,  Aunt  Dolly,  that  has  put  your  good- 
natured  face  into  such  a  pucker?  Has  father  been  talking 
loud  to  you?  "  as  he  did  sometimes,  when  he  was  more  liquor 
than  Batkins. 

"  No.  Jefferson,  I  don't  see  why  the  women  don't  let  you 
alone." 

"  Why,  they  do,  Aunt  Dolly." 

"That  giggle  of  a  girl,  old  Feathergilt's  daughter,  has 
been  here  in  her  carriage  after  you." 

"Oh,  yes;  Mr.  Shrinker,  the  butcher,  just  told  me  her 
fatter  wants  some  of  my  Angola  lambs  to  eat,  Aunt  Dolly ; 
and  I  suppose  she  came  to  see  about  it." 

"No,  Jefferson,  it  is  not  one  of  your  Angola  lambs  she 
wants.  She  wants  you;  that's  what  she's  after." 

"  Whax\  me?  she  don't  want  to  eat  me,  Aunt  Dolly  !  " 

"  I  don't  know  what  she  wants  to  do  with  you.  She's  old 
enough  to  know  better." 

"  How  old  is  she,  Aunt  Dolly  ?  " 

"  Older  than  you  are,  Jefferson,  in  more  than  one  way." 

"Well,  Aunt  Dolly,  she  looks  pretty  well  of  her  age,  don't 
she?" 

"When  she's  fixed  up." 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  157 

I  thought  I  would  get  Aunt  Dolly's  idea  of  her  at  any 
rate. 

"  If  she  was  not  a  rich  man's  daughter,  a  pretty  story  they 
would  make  of  your  ride  in  the  dark  with  her  over  Games' 
Bridge,  the  other  night  in  the  rain." 

"  Why,  how  did  you  know  that,  Aunt  Dolly?  " 

' c  Why,  she  told  me  the  whole  story  herself ;  what  the 
girls  said  at  the  old  house  and  all.  When  I  was  young, 
girls  that  thought  much  of  themselves  would  not  do  such  a 
thing  as  that  with  a  man  they  had  never  spoken  with  before." 

"Aunt  Dolly,  it  was  all  an  accident.  If  she  told  you  the 
whole  story  she  must  have  stayed  some  time." 

"  She  did.  I  thought  she  never  would  go.  She  was  wait 
ing  for  you.  Don't  you  go  again ;  remember,  you  fell  from 
the  wagon,  JeiFerson." 

"There,  Aunt  Dolly,  don't  say  any  more  about  that  wagon. 
Every  time  anybody  says  anything  about  that  to  me,  I  think 
of  Bean,  and  wish  him  far  beyond  the  help  of  Providence." 

I  confess  I  did  feel  a  little  proud  at  this  visit,  though,  of 
course,  I  never  had  any  idea  of  marrying  Miss  Feathergilt,  or 
at  that  time  any  other  woman. 

Aunt  Dolly  moved  off  slowly,  returning  with  a  small  pack 
age :  "  Here  is  something  she  left  for  you,  Jefferson."  She 
placed  the  package  on  the  table,  brushing  her  fingers  as  it  left 
them,  as  if  there  was  something  contaminating  in  the  touch, 
and,  with  her  features  gathered  up  to  an  intense  expression  of 
scorn,  she  left  the  room,  muttering,  "  Such  forward  imps  I 
never  saw  as  the  girls  are  nowadays." 

I  opened  the  package,  in  which  were  two  books,  and  a  letter 
directed  to  Mr.  Jefferson  S.  Batkins,  in  a  very  neat  and  pretty 
style  of  writing.  I  opened  one  book,  with  the  title-page  as 
follows:  "Charlotte  Temple:  A  Tale  of  Truth.  By  Mrs. 
Rawson." 

There  were  some  poetry  and  other  matters  printed  on  this 


158  LIFE   OF 

page.  I  kept  the  letter  always  in  the  book,  and  my  friends 
can  read  it.  There  is  a  little  mixture  in  the  rhetoric.  I 
think  she  was  agitated, — I  did  not  perceive  it  then, — iJut 
style  is  not  important  when  the  meaning  is  honest. 

"  ROSEWOOD  VILLA,  Thursday  P.  M. 

"  Miss  Amanda  Feathergilt's  compliments  to  Mr.  Batkins,  with  her  expression  of 
thanks  for  his  kind  treatment  on  the  occasion  of  the,  in  some  respects,  unfortunate 
ride  after  the  land  sale,  in  her  father's  chaise.  She  hopes  that  under  the  excitement 
of  the  occasion,  and  the  novel  situation  for  two  persons  hitherto  strangers  to  be  placed 
in,  that  she  said  nothing  to  ofFoud  Mr.  Batkins,  or  that  would  admit  of  any  other 
construction  than  expressions  of  disinterested  regard. 

"  Mr.  Batkins  will  find  the  books  spoken  of  during  our  ride,  and  which  I  had 
given  him  some  idea  of.  They  are  love  stories.  Ho  was  pleased  to  observe  that  ho 
should  like  to  read  them.  It  would  give  Miss  Feathergilt  groat  pleasure  to  read 
'  Charlotte  Temple'  to  Mr.  Batkins,  or  to  have  Mr.  Batkins  read  '  Robinson  Crusoe' 
to  Miss  Feathergilt,  whose  father  has  purchased  it  for  her,  with  illustrations.  I 
was  much  pleased  with  the  appearance  of  '  Man  Friday,'  and  amused  with  big 
adventures. 

"  Wo  are  to  have  a  dinner-party,  and  I  understood  by  Mr.  Bean,  that  you  are  to 
bo  invited.  I  tell  you  this  in  confidence;  but  you  will  have  a  card  from  mother  at 
the  proper  time. 

"  Excuse  hasto, 

"  AMANDA  FEATHERGILT." 

When  I  read  this,  I  wondered  what  Aunt  Dolly  would  say. 
I  put  the  books  in  my  room,  and  read  the  letter  over  again. 
When  I  came  to  the  last  lines  about  the  dinner,  I  almost 
wished  that  I  had  let  Shrinker  have  the  Angola  lambs.  I  state 
this  to  portray  the  effects  of  the  first  letter  I  had  then  received 
from  a  lady,  —  books  of  love  stories  and  a  letter.  I  did  feel  a 
kind  of  a  new  sensation,  when  I  contemplated  the  letter  and  the 
books,  different  from  that  in  Miss  Trivetts'  case,  and  not  a 

morsel  like  my  recollections  of  the  interview  with  Mrs. , 

the  sea-captain's  wife. 

These  books,  as  I  read  them,  opened  my  eyes  to  some  parts 
of  human  nature,  and  I  came  to  the  conclusion  that  there  was 
just  about  so  much  goodness  and  so  much  wickedness  to  be 
carried  out  in  the  world  ;  and  the  difference,  where  it  was  done, 
was  only  in  the  way  of  doing  it  in  different  places  and  by  dif- 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATK1NS.  159 

ferent  persons.  Human  nature  itself  has  not  changed  much 
since  the  days  of  Adam  and  Eve,  though  the  individual  did 
change  amazingly  sometimes,  according  to  Dr.  Slawter's  theory, 
which  I  had  more  faith  in  the  older  I  grew. 

According  to  these  novels,  I  did  not  think  it  mattered  much 
whether  folks  wore  fig-leaves  or  broadcloths  and  satins.  I 
was  of  the  opinion  then  that  it  was  not  a  good  plan  to  let  young 
folks  read  love  books.  I  tried  to  read  some  of  "Charlotte 
Temple  "  aloud  to  Aunt  Dolly ;  but  she  shut  her  ears,  said  she 
would  not  listen  to  such  lies,  as  she  believed  all  novels  and 
romances  to  be.  Aunt  Dolly  was  of  my  opinion  as  to  "  Rob 
inson  Crusoe." 

I  had  heard  Mr.  Dovedrake  talk  considerably  about  Rome, 
and  once  in  a  sermon  he  recommended  his  hearers  to  study  its 
history,  and  they  would  better  understand  how  the  greatest 
nations  of  the  earth  could  fall  if  they  were  too  proud. 

Doctor  Slawter  had  the  "  History  of  Rome,"  in  eight  volumes, 
with  pictures  of  old  Roman  kings,  and  emperors,  and  warriors, 
on  almost  every  page.  I  borrowed  it  of  him  ;  but  there  were 
so  many  hard  names  to  spell  in  it,  at  this  time  I  did  not  make 
much  headway  in  reading  it.  Busied  with  one  thing  and  an 
other,  matters  were  going  on  at  the  homestead  with  me,  in  a 
so-so  sort  of  way  ;  but  I  was  driving  in  no  particular  direc 
tion  to  make  myself  very  prominent  in  the  history  of  Cran 
berry  Centre. 

About  town  there  were  marks  of  activity.  The  shoemakers 
were  sprinkling  themselves  pretty  thickly  over  one  part  of  the 
new  city ;  there  the  smell  of  leather  was  strong  enough  to 
satisfy  any  one  who  could  enjoy  this  evidence  of  the  increase  of 
this  department  of  domestic  manufactures.  Shoemakers  had 
then  a  reputation  of  being  great  thinkers,  and  politicians,  and 
tough  fellows  in  argument.  I  never  had  heard  a  reason  given, 
nor  do  I  dispute  it.  I  know,  from  observation,  that  there  ap 
peared  to  be  a  great  increase  in  the  juvenile  population  since 


160  LIFE    OF 

Cranberry  Centre  was  getting  to  be  more  of  a  shoe  town.  I  do 
not  know  that  the  thinking  and  political  qualities  of  the  shoe 
makers  had  anything  to  do  with  this  evidence  of  successful 
industrial  pursuits. 

Engaged  one  day  in  reading  the  "History  of  Rome,"  Mr. 
Bodge  made  me  a  call,  as  he  said,  to  get  some  information  as 
to  my  views  on  town  matters.  He  wanted  to  know  if  I  would 
stand  as  a  candidate  for  overseer  of  the  poor.  I  shut  up  the 
volume  of  the  "History  of  Rome,"  and  asked  Bodge  to  say 
that  again.  Bodge  repeated  the  question.  I  was  not  mis 
taken,  you  understand,  and  replied,  "Bodge,  you  know  I  am 
averse  to  going  into  politics." 

Bodge  said,  "Mr.  Batkins,  the  overseer  of  the  poor  is  an 
honorable  office,  and  every  citizen  should  be  willing  to  devote 
some  of  his  time  to  the  public  good.  There  is  nothing  politi 
cal  about  the  overseer.  Paupers  do  not  vote ;  there  is  no 
pay;  nothing  to  be  made." 

I  never  heard  Bodge  say  so  much  at  one  time  before.  I 
asked  Bodge  who  put  this  notion  into  his  head. 

Bodge  said,  "  I  was  talking  with  Mr.  Bean  about  who  would 
be  the  best  man.  He  said,  '  Batkins.'  I  told  him  I  did  not 
think  you  would  take  it.  Mr.  Bean  said,  *  Yes,  he  will,  for 
my  sake. ' ' 

1 '  What  do  you  suppose  he  wants  me  to  be  overseer  of  the 
poor  for.  Bodge?  " 

"  Well,  he  thinks  you  are  just  the  man.  He  says  he  can 
furnish  the  supplies  for  the  poor  farm  cheaper  than  anybody 
in  Cranberry  Centre." 

' '  Does  the  overseer  of  the  poor  trade  for  the  groceries, 
Bodge?" 

"  No,  the  keeper  of  the  poor  farm  does,  and  the  overseer 
puts  his  name  on  the  bills  before  they  go  to  the  selectmen. 
He  says  you  would  do  anything  to  oblige  him,  as  he  would  do 
anything  to  oblige  you." 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  161 

I  thought  to  myself,  what  does  Bean  mean  ?  but  I  said  to 
Bodge,  "  What  do  you  think  about  it?  " 

"  Well,  Mr.  Batkins,  I  should  advise  you  to  do  it.  Mr. 
Bean  says  you  can  hire  my  brother  and  his  wife  next  year  to 
take  care  of  the  poor  farm;  then  it  will  come  right  all  round." 

"  Bodge,  tell  Mr.  Bean  I  am  much  obliged  to  him  for 
thinking  of  me ;  but  I  do  not  want  any  office.  I  do  not  want 
to  get  mixed  up  in  politics." 

"You  had  better  think  about  it;  that's  the  way  Seth 
Spring  began.  He  was  overseer  of  the  poor,  and  now  look  at 
him." 

Bodge  left  me.  When  he  had  gone,  I  opened  the  "  History 
of  Rome."  I  was  reading  about  Csesar ;  and  the  idea  rather 
took  hold  on  me,  and  the  more  I  thought  of  it,  the  more  the 
idea  gained  the  victory  over  my  objections.  I  was  tempted, 
that's  the  fact.  Seth  Spring  had  been  overseer.  And  I  was 
to  hire  Bodge's  brother  and  his  wife,  and  Bean  would  get  the 
trade,  —  Bean  that  had  cheated  me  !  I  might  get  back  my 
money,  too.  by  some  kind  of  dicker,  if  Bean  did  not  financier 
me  again. 

It  is  hardly  worth  while,  at  this  time,  to  make  extracts 
from  my  journal  to  prove  what  took  place  between  Mr.  Bean 
and  myself,  on  this  subject,  before  the  town-meeting  day.  It 
is  enough  to  state  here,  you  understand,  that  I  stood,  and  was 
elected :  and  the  stepping-stone  to  my  future  career  was  the 
office  of  overseer  of  the  poor  of  the  town  of  Cranberry  Centre. 


1C2  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER   XVIII. 

DOCTOR    SLAWTER. 

IT  will  certainly  not  be  expected  of  me  to  make  the  biog 
raphies  in  full  of  the  distinguished  inhabitants  of  Cranberry 
Centre,  who  maybe  at  this  time  living  or  dead.  I  shall  waive 
the  rule  I  had  made  for  my  government,  — as  I  filled  the  writ 
ten  pages  of  my  life,  —  in  favor  of  my  old  and  tried  friend, 
Dr.  Adoniram  Slawter. 

There  are  a  number  of  people  of  the  town,  with  whom  I  have 
had  business  relations,  and  pleasant  social  pastimes,  whose 
names  will  not  appear  in  my  life,  because  I  "have  no  lack  of 
material  to  fill  the  allotted  space  destined  to  receive  the  record 
of  those  with  whom  my  personal  history  is  more  or  less  connected, 
nor  do  I  wish  to  make  a  commercial  directory  of  my  biography. 

In  the  beginning  I  recorded  my  obligations  to  Dr.  Slawter 
for  services  rendered,  for  which  he  received  his  fee ;  and  it  was 
not  until  a  later  period  of  my  life  that  I  was  acquainted  with 
the  nature  of  his  skilful  exertions  in  my  behalf.  In  those 
scenes  of  my  childhood,  in  which  he  mingled  his  doses  with  my 
pap.  or  gruel,  I  dare  say  he  did  justice  to  me  and  to  his  art. 
I  will  not  pretend  to  make  any  estimate-  as  to  his  agency  in 
my  development.  The  first  consultation  I  remember  to  have 
had  with  him  was  the  day  after  the  husking  frolic,  in  conse 
quence  of  some  new  phenomena,  which  at  the  time,  in  my 
ignorance,  I  did  not  attribute  to  the  proper  cause.  I  under 
stand  it  better  now,  and  I  hope  my  friendly  reader  does  also. 
My  next  need  of  the  doctor  was  in  consequence  of  my  collision 
with  Mr.  Bean  at  the  house  of  the  sea-captain's  wife.  From 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  163 

this  time  forward,  our  relations  were  more  intimate,  and  in 
their  proper  place  his  further  services  will  be  noted. 

Those  who  had  ever  seen  the  doctor  would  not  mistake  him 
for  any  other  person.  I  shall  not  describe  his  dress.  I  will 
merely  state  that  he  was  always  neatly  dressed,  in  a  gentle 
manly  fashion ;  that  he  was  never  married,  and  that  I  shall 
not  obtrude  in  my  biography  an  account  of  his  domestic  rela 
tions. 

I  did  not  see  him,  to  recognize  him,  at  the  time  of  my 
birth.  He  was  then  a  young  man,  had  just  come  into  the 
town  to  fill  the  place  made  vacant  by  the  death  of  the  old 
Dr.  Bloodcase,  who  had  been  the  terror  and  delight  of  two 
generations  in  Qranberry  Centre,  according  to  the  nature  of 
the  services  required.  Dr.  Slawter's  successful  handling 
of  the  Batkins'  affair,  as  has  been  related,  gave  him  a  good 
start ;  and  for  a  long  time  he  enjoyed  a  lucrative  practice  in 
the  town,  with  occasional  rides  into  the  surrounding  country 
in  important  cases. 

During  my  confinement  to  my  room,  on  Mr.  Bean's  ac 
count,  while  making  inquiries  as  'to  my  own  case,  I  obtained 
many  useful  ideas,  although  it  was  only  at  a  later  day  that  I 
was  enabled  to  bring  them  into  a  state  of  practical  utility. 

I  have  referred  to  his  notion  as  to  the  changes  going  on  in 
the  human  system-.  This  was  proved  in  my  own  case.  Both 
my  eyes  were  closed  by  the  swelling  from  the  concussion  with 
Mr.  Bean's  fist ;  in  short,  to  be  plain,  — if  I  have  not  been  so 
before,  —  I  had  a  pair  of  black  eyes  ;  and  "  if  there  were  not 
this  inherent  power  of  change  in  the  system,"  —  these  are  the 
doctor's  words,  —  my  eyelids  would  have  remained  discolored 
until  now. 

Another  notion  he  had  about  what's  in  the  blood :  he  said 
men  and  women  inherited  diseases,  evil  desires,  and  crazy 
doings,  as  much  as  the  shapes  of  their  noses,  or  the  color  of 
their  eyes  and  hair.  That  a  thief  naturally  produced  a  thief, 


164  LIFE    OF 

as  a  peculiar  potato-seed  produced  a  peculiar  potato,  and  so 
on,  through  the  animal  and  vegetable  kingdom.  When  he 
talked  these  things  around,  the  orthodox  people  said  the  doc 
tor  was  ahead  of  the  times,  and  he  did  not  make  these  notions 
go  much.  The  minister  preached  about  it;  the-old  ladies  said 
he  was  crazy,  and  the  young  folks  said  he  did  not  know  any 
thing. 

To  keep  his  practice  he  kept  silent.  The  minister  gave 
out  that  he  recanted  his  error,  and  he  kept  on  his  way,  as 
usual,  until  a  young  doctor,  fresh  from  Germany,  arrived  in 
the  town,  and  set  up  his  sign.  Dr.  Phobeamy,  —  that  was 
his  name.  He  dressed  to  suit  the  ladies,  rode  about  in  a  yel 
low-bodied  sulky,  bowed  politely  to  everybody  he  met,  went 
to  meeting,  taught  in  the  Sunday  school,  and  otherwise  em 
ployed  his  time  in  making  himself  popular. 

Dr.  Slawter  told  Mr.  Spring  that  Dr.  Phobeamy  was  an 
ignoramus,  and  that  he  hoped  he  should  have  an  opportunity 
to  show  him  up  in  some  professional  failure. 

The  opportunity  came.  The  case  was  known  as  the  hog 
case,  in  which  Dr.  Phobeamy  placed  himself  at  the  head  of 
the  physicians  of  the 'State  as  a  jurisprudent,  and  scientific 
demonstrator  of  osteologic  truth. 

It  will  be  necessary,  at  the  risk  of  being  somewhat  tedious, 
to  give  an  idea  of  the  case,  which  raised  Dr.  Phobeamy  to 
the  highest  pinnacle  of  popularity. 

Two  men,  of  no  very  good  reputation,  dwellers  in  Gypsy 
Village,  had  a  quarrel  growing  out  of  one  of  them  stealing  a 
hog  butchered  for  the  minister,  the  head  of  which  had  been 
found  in  the  house  of  Gulpy,  who  had  been  convicted  of  hog- 
stealing  and  sentenced  to  the  county  jail.  After  his  sentence 
had  expired,  upon  his  return  to  Cranberry  Centre,  Gulpy 
swore  vengeance  against  Milks,  who  was  the  owner  of  the  hog, 
saying  he  would  kill  him  the  first  time  he  met  him. 

On  a  certain  day  after  the  threat,  these  two  men  were  seen 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  165 

fighting  together,  on  a  knoll  at  Skunk's  Misery,  by  some 
boys,  who  ran  to  call  the  constable.  When  they  returned 
with  Mr.  Bodge,  both  men  had  disappeared.  A  knife  was 
found  near  one  of  the  trees  upon  the  knoll,  and  a  piece  of  a 
shirt,  known  to  have  been  worn  by  Mr.  Gulpy,  stained  with 
blood. 

The  theory  of  the  officers  was  that  one  or  other  of  these 
men  had  been  killed,  and  the  other  had  escaped,  as  both  were 
missing ;  but  no  clue  could  be  found  to  this  mystery.  Rewards 
were  offered,  with  no  tidings  from  either.  After  a  while  it 
became  an  old  story,  and  likely  to  be  forgotten. 

One  day  two  reports  were  circulated,  that  created  a  great 
commotion  in  Cranberry  Cefitre,  —  one  that  the  bones  of  the 
murdered  man  had  been  found  buried  in  the  earth  of  Skunk's 
Misery ;  the  other,  that  Gulpy  had  been  arrested  in  the  Gypsy 
Village. 

Dr.  Phobeamy,  in  the  absence  of  Dr.  Slawter,  had  exam 
ined  the  remains,  and  established  the  fact  that  the  bones  were 
part  of  a  human  body.  Some  were  missing,  probably  decayed, 
or  destroyed  in  some  other  way. 

An  inquest  was  held ;  a  verdict  df  murder  was  found. 
Gulpy  was  charged  with  the  deed,  and  sent  to  the  county  jail 
for  trial.  Seth  Spring  was  engaged  as  counsel,  and  Mr. 
Andriss,  "Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  volunteered  to  assist. 

Circumstances  were  against  Gulpy;  but  the  great  point 
seemed  to  be  whether  any  man  was  killed,  and  if  the  bones 
were  part  of  his  body  when  he  was  alive.  To  demonstrate 
this,  Dr.  Phobeamy  had  arranged  the  bones  upon  a  board, 
and  substituted  drawings  of  those  that  were  missing,  making 
the  skeleton  complete  and  exactly  the  height  sworn  to  have 
been  that  of  Milks,  as  certified  to  from  the  records  of  a  prison, 
in  which' he  had  once  been  an  inmate. 

The  day  of  trial  came.  Notwitstanding  the  eloquence  of 
Seth  Spring,  and  the  sagacious  handling  of  witnesses  by  Squire 


1G6  LIFE    OF 

Andriss,  Gulpy  was  convicted  of  murder,  and  sentenced  to  be 
hung. 

Dr.  Slawter  had  been  absent  from  Cranberry  Centre,  and 
was  not  consulted,  nor  did  he  attend  the  trial;  but,  after 
reading  a  report  of  i^  and  examining  the  famously  constructed 
skeleton,  which  had  so  increased  Dr.  Phobeamy's  reputation, 
he  publicly  proclaimed  his  opinion  that  there  were  but 
few  human  bones  in  the  collection  used  at  the  trial. 

Gulpy,  by  his  counsel,  had  been  advised  to  acknowledge  his 
guilt,  plead  provocation  and  extenuating  circumstances,  in  the 
hope  of  pardon  from  the  governor.  A  petition  had  been  pre 
pared  and  presented  for  that  purpose.  When  Dr.  Slawter's 
opinion  had  been  published,  it  c^lised  much  talk  and  many 
speculations.  A  committee  had  been  appointed  by  court, 
or  at  the  State  House,  —  I  cannot  state  which,  as  I  have 
no  documentary  evidence  on  this  point,  — to  inquire  into 
the  statement  of  Dr.  Slawter,  with  power  to  send  for  per 
sons  and  papers.  A  day  was  fixed  for  the  investigation, 
and  celebrated  doctors,  from  the  Boston  College,  were  to 
attend,  when  an  event  occurred  that  startled  the  public 
mind  of  Cranberry  Centre,  and  in  fact  of  the  whole  Common 
wealth. 

While  his  certified  bones  were  undergoing  scientific  investi 
gation,  Milks  returned  alive  to  Cranberry  Centre.  This  fact 
settled  the  question  of  science  between  Doctors  Phobeamy  and 
Slawter;  as  also  the  question  of  guilt  between  the  Common 
wealth  and  Jacob  Gulpy,  who  was  released  from  confinement 
and  returned  to  Skunk's  Misery  in  triumph. 

The  affair,  once  so  serious,  became  amusing.  First,  to  ex- 
plum  the  affair  of  the  hog :  Milks  had  sold  his  hog  to  the  min 
ister,  who,  although  a  very  good  man  in  his  way,  had  an  idea 
that  he  knew  a  great  deal  of  human  nature,  as  clergymen  gen 
erally  suppose  they  do,  always  making  the  best  investments  of 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  167 

their  spare  capital,  when  they  have  any^which  was  not  the  case 
with  our  minister,  Mr.  Dovedrake.  He  paid  Milks  for  the 
hog,  which  was  to  be  carried  to  the  minister's  house  next  morn 
ing.  Milks  had  a  spite  against  Gulpy.  He  cut  off  the  head 
of  the  hog,  and,  after  securing  for  himself  the  legs  and  other 
parts,  including  all  the  fat,  which  he  stripped  off,  he  carried 
the  carcass  to  the  old  knoll,  and  buried  it,  not  very  deep,  in 
the  loose  soil;  then  removed  the  head  to  Gulpy 's  shanty,  on 
the  edge  of  Gypsy  Village. 

Milks'  family  did  not  enjoy  the  highest  repute  for  strict 
morality,  although  he  was  riot  suspected  of  appropriating  prop 
erty  in  the  way  he  had  abstracted  the  minister's  hog.  During 
that  night  his  wife  had  tried  out  the  fat,  and  it  was  safely 
stored  in  the  cellar.  When  the  morning  came  the  discovery 
was  made  that  the  minister's  hog  had  been  stolen,  and  the  tid 
ings  sent  to  the  minister.  Milks  put  the  officers  on  the  scent, 
and,  as  has  been  related,  Gulpy  was  arrested  and  punished  as  the 
thief. 

'A  subscription  was  started,  and  with  the  money  another 
porker  was  bought  for  the  minister,  faithfully  slaughtered,  and 
put  in  pickle  for  the  minister's  use.  The  hog  story,  being 
less  than  a  nine  days'  wonder,  soon  ceased  to  be  talked  about, 
until  the  quarrel  between  Gulpy  and  Milks  took  place. 

Both  murderer  and  murdered  disappeared  for  a  time.  Gul 
py  had  occasionally  showed  himself  at  Gypsy  Village,  in  .the 
night  time,  but  was  concealed  by  his  comrades  until  the  reward 
was  offered  for  the  apprehension  of  the  murderer.  No  person 
took  any  special  pains  to  look  up  the  case.  This  was  before 
the  modern  detective  practice  had  been  introduced. 

Constable  Bodge  and  my  father,  both  had  an  eye  to  the  re 
ward.  They  made  a  little  stir,  which  only  had  the  effect  to 
cause  Gulpy  to  still  closer  cover  up  his  tracks,  and  soon  again 
a  temporary  oblivion  quieted  the  excitement.  After  a  long  lull, 


168  LIFE    OF 

some  boys,  digging  on  the  hill  for  some  purpose  of  amusement, 
discovered  the  bones. 

This  part  of  the  hill  had  long  been  used  as  a  burial-place 
for  deceased  quadrupeds.  Gulpy  had  buried  a  colt  and  a  calf 
there  the  year  previous.  The  human  skull  was  missing  as  a 
whole,  but  Dr.  Phobeamy  had  arranged  some  fragments  that 
appeared  to  be  parts  of  one.  The  theory  was,  that  the  part  of 
the  missing  head  was  buried  elsewhere ;  the  human  bones  were 
thought  to  be  a  part  of  some  long  since  buried  aboriginal  In 
dian,  or  other  victim  of  earlier  discordant  times. 

This  time  Bodge  worked  more  on  his  own  account ;  and,  by 
some  manoeuvre,  discovered  Gulpy's  hiding-place,  and  arrested 
him.  Milks  had  gone  off  on  some  business,  in  the  transaction 
of  which,  in  a  neighboring  State,  he  had  contrived  to  get  into 
prison,  from  which  he  was  released  with  some  difficulty,  as  it 
was  said,  by  "Mrs.  Simms'  man."  He  had  intended  to  go 
farther  before  his  return,  but,  reading  in  a  newspaper  the  state 
of  things,  and  not  being  bad  enough  to  have  an  innocent  man 
hung,  came  at  once  to  Cranberry  Centre,  and  was  the  memns 
of  clearing  up  the  mystery  that  surrounded  this  interesting 
case. 

Dr.  Slawter  was  cheerful  when  he  saw  his  assuming  rival 
suddenly  leave  the  town.  Next  day  a  petition  was  circulated, 
to  be  presented  to  the  next  General  Court,  for  the  abolition 
of  ^capital  punishment.  This  was  uot  accomplished ;  but 
some  change  was  made,  so  as  to  give  a  criminal  a  chance, 
while  he  lived,  of  proving  his  innocence,  even  if  he  had  him 
self,  to  avoid  hanging,  plead  guilty. 

Now,  some  people  may  deny  this  case,  or  say  it  did  not  oc 
cur  in  Cranberry  Centre.  All  I  have  to  say  is,  it  did  occur, 
though  I  may  err  in  some  particulars,  where  I  have  trusted  to 
my  memory  alone;  but  as  I  have  not  stated  exactly  where 
Cranberry  Centre  was  located  at  that  time,  and  it  may  not  be 
found  in  the  list  of  towns  in  the  register  of  to-day,  no  person 


JEFFERSON  8.    B ATKINS.  169 

who  has  not  been  there,  has  any  no  right  to  doubt  its  history, 
of  which  this  hog  case  is  a  part. 

I  have  concluded  to  reserve  further  mention  of  the  parts 
that  make  the  whole  of  Dr.  Slawter's  character.  He  will  be 
appreciated  by  my  friends  who  read  his  record  here,  arid  who 
have  never  had  the  pleasure  of  his  acquaintance  ;  and  those  who 
have  been  in  a  situation  to  require  his  professional  services  will 
recognize  him  as  he  now  stands  before  them  in  the  portrait  rny 
pen  has  executed.  Although  generally  grave* in  his  manner,  he 
was  not  without  humor  when  stimulated  thereto  by  any  sugges 
tive  remark.  I  do  not  propose  to  reproduce  his  anecdotal  rep 
utation,  but  shall  let  his  future  actions  and  proclivities  establish 
his  claim  to. that  not  too  frequent  combination, — a  genial, 
sensible  gentleman,  and  wise  and  prudent  physician. 


170  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

ARAM   ANDRJSS. 

•\ 

THE  person  wh^se  name  heads  this  chapter,  as  I  have  be 
fore  stated,  was  known  as  "Mrs.  Simnis'  man."  We  had  a 
habit  of  thus  speaking  of  people,  instead  of  calling  them  by 
their  proper  names,  as  we  say  the  doctor,  the  minister,  and  as 
in  my  own  case  afterwards  —  I  will  not  anticipate,  but  con 
fine  my  attention  to  Aram  Andriss,  Esq..  as  his  doings  and 
influence  affected  the  people  of  Cranberry  Centre. 

Every  town  has  its  distinctive  peculiarity,  the  more  ancient 
in  origin  the  more  interesting  the  eccentricities  of  some  of 
the  so-called  oldest  inhabitants. 

To  thoroughly  understand  why  Aram  Andriss  was  called 
"Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  in  my  younger  days,  it  will  be  neces 
sary  to  unfold  some  of  the  secrets  of  family  matters  connected 
with  the  place  known  as  Simms'  Folly,  my  first  visit  to  which 
I  have  described,  —  the  reader  will  remember,  for  divers 
reasons,  an  important  visit  to  me.  I  have  purposely  re 
frained  from  any  allusion  to  the  original  occupant  of  Simms' 
Folly  until  this  time  of  my  life,  when  the  true  character  of 
Aram  Andriss  was  in  part  discovered.  It  was  not  until  a 
later  period,  you  understand,  that  all  the  truth  became  known 
of  his  evil  ways. 

In  my  description  of  Simms'  Folly,  I  did  not  particularize 
the  style  of  architecture,  which  Mr.  Spring  told  me  afterwards 
was  Venetian,  nor  did  I  give  any  account  of  the  history  of  the 
builder,  —  a  foreign  gentleman,  who  it  was  said  made  a  great 
fortune  at  the  time  of  the  French  Revolution.  His  name  was 


JEFFERSON   3.    B ATKINS.  171 

Simms.  I  have  stated  that  he  was  a  wealthy  man,  and  it  was 
then  said  his  fortune  came  in  some  way  "  over  the  devil's 
back,"  either  by  privateering,  piracy,  or  the  slave-trade,  — all 
lucrative  in  those  days.  The  grandchildren  of  some  of  these 
old  buccaneers  are  now  enjoying  the  proceeds,  as  among  the 
first  people,  socially,  in  the  land.  But  I  have  learned  since, 
that  his  financial  success  was  due  to  a  different  style  of  traffic. 
It  consisted  in  importing  from  France  gold  and  silver  plate, 
which  had  been  stolen  from  the  churches,  and  palaces  of  the 
noblemen  who  had  run  away,  or  whose  heads  had  fallen  "into 
the  basket  of  the  guillotine,"  to  perpetuate  liberty  in  France. 

With  a  part  of  the  proceeds  he  erected  the  house  for  a  long 
time  spoken  of  as  Simms'  Folly,  upon  land  owned  by  a 
merchant,  whose  daughter  he  married.  No  one  knew  why  he 
selected  Cranberry  Centre  for  his  future  residence.  It  was 
said  the  cellars  were  full  of  money.  I  do  not  know  that  any 
was  ever  found  there. 

After  a  grand  time,  on  the  occasion  of  his  marriage,  which  I 
had  often  heard  talked  about  in  my  boyish  days,  he  went  back 
to  France,  to  complete  his  financiering^  leaving  his  business  to 
the  care  of  a  young  lawyer  just  settled  in  Cranberry  Centre. 
Nobody  knew  him ;  but  a  story  soon  circulated  among  the 
women-folks,  that  he  was  on  easy  terms  with  Mrs.  Simms,  who, 
as  the  gossips  had  it,  was  forced  to  marry  by  her  father  against 
her  inclination.  When  Simms  went  back  to  France,  he  was 
betrayed  by  his  confederates  there,  arrested,  tried,  convicted, 
and  sentenced  to  imprisonment  for  life.  His  being  an  Ameri 
can  saved  him  from  the  guillotine,  and  I  may  as  well  state,  he 
remained  in  prison  until  he  died. 

Aram  Andriss,  it  was  given  out,  had  married  Mrs.  Simms, 
who,  after  a  while,  put  off  her  mourning  and  assumed  the  du 
ties  of  her  new  situation  with  apparent  satisfaction,  it  having 
been  stated  that  Simms  was  dead.  Some  people  said  they  were 
not  married.  He  was  acknowledged  as  the  master  of  the 


172  TJFE    OF 

house ;  but  was  spoken  of,  as  I  have  related,  usually  in  con 
versation,  as  "Mrs.  Simms'  man."  Some  people  said  Simmg 
was  alive,  and  Mrs.  Simms  knew  it.  The  marriageable  spin 
sters  agreed  that  it  was  "  a  scandalous  shame,"  particularly 
those  who  had  endeavored,  by  assiduous  attentions,  to  gain 
the  young  lawyer's  regard. 

Ugly  stories  were  in  circulation  as  to  the  doings  in  Simms' 
Folly.  I  did  not  so  well  understand  their  meaning  then.  I 
shall  not  repeat  them,  as  the  old  maids'  gossip  of  a  past  gen 
eration  would  lose  its  spice  in  comparison  with  the  versions  of 
similar  transactions  now  so  freely  promulgated  in  the  news 
papers  of  our  day. 

I  will  also  state  that  Mr.  Andriss,  though  reserved  and  dis 
tant  to  most  people,  was  always  on  good  terms  with  my  father 
up  to  the  last  day  of  his  residence  in  Cranberry  Centre. 
\Yhat  the  "indignation  meeting"  policy  had  "to  do  with  this, 
I  am  unable  to  decide.  I  have  referred  to  an  old  saying 
about  "  money  got  over  the  devil's  back."  I  will  add  that 
the  proverb  is  continued  by  an  allusion  to  the  way  in  which 
such  money  is  spent,  and  have  also  noted  my  opinion  that  there 
were  exceptions.  I  suppose  everybody  has  heard  of  the  prov 
erb,  or  saying  ;  it  was  one  Aunt  Dolly  used  often  to  repeat. 
Aram  Andriss'  method,  it  appears,  followed  the  rule. 

In  my  first  notice  of  this  gentleman,  I  remarked  upon  the 
soft  tones  of  his  voice,  and  his  winning  ways ;  these  he  pre 
served.  They  were  improved  upon  by  his  friend  and  disciple, 
Bean,  who,  whatever  their  business  relations,  were  socially 
inseparables. 

Mr.  Andriss  made  frequent  and  protracted  visits  to  Canada 
and  to  Maine,  for  facilitating,  as  was  said,  his  operations  in 
the  lumber  trade. 

In  his  absence  Mr,  Bean  conducted  his  business  affairs. 
Andriss  had  so  managed  as  to  control  the  bank.  Seth  Spring 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKJNS.  173 

and  Mr.  Feathergilt  had  resigned  their  offices.  Aram  Andriss 
was  made  president. 

The  great  political  tornado  made  changes  in  Cranberry 
Centre.  The  hard-cider  and  log-cabin  campaign,  however, 
did  not  have  the  effect  to  deprive  me  of  my  reason,  and  I 
kept  out  of  politics.  Mr.  Andriss  was  much  engaged,  and 
won  great  reputation  as  a  stump  speaker,  being  thought  to 
have  quite  a  resemblance  in  his  style  to  the  celebrated  states 
man  of  that  time,  Henry  Clay. 

Cranberry  Centre  had,  since  my  remembrance  of  it,  period 
ical  outbreaks  of  unexpected  events,  sometimes  retarding  and 
sometimes  advancing  its  growth  and  prosperity,  or  otherwise 
forcing  into  notoriety  a  portion  of  its  inhabitants.  I  shall  not 
recapitulate,  but  refer  back,  if  my  reader's  memory  is  defi 
cient,  to  such  of  these  invasions  into  the  quiet  of  rural  life  as 
occurred  in  my  time. 

During  a  supposed  temporary,  though  somewhat  prolonged, 
absence  of  Mr.  Andriss,  Mr.  Reedy 's  appearance  in  Cranberry 
Centre  was  the  subject  of  comment.  It  was  not  long  before 
the  object  of  his  visit  was  disclosed. 

An  extensive  combination  of  coiners  and  counter feit'ers  had 
been  discovered,  with  agencies  in  all  the  States  of  New  England. 
The  chief  of  this  organized  band  of  financiers  was  Aram 
Andriss  ;  their  head-quarters  the  magnificent  structure  known  as 
Simms'  Folly,  in  the  comparatively  humble  town  of  Cran 
berry  Centre.  Some  persons,  who  before  had  been  considered 
upright  citizens,  were  more  or  less  implicated.  A  few  of  the 
poorer  sort,  after  a  while,  found  their  future  welfare  a  matter 
of  public  consideration,  and  were  sent  to  the  State  prison. 
Some  absconded.  Aram  Andriss  was  of  this  class,  and  was 
never  again  seen  in  Cranberry  Centre. 

•Mr.  Bean  was  suspected  of  some  connection  with  Andriss' 
swindling  operations,  but  somehow,  as  he  termed  it,  came  out 
right,  and  was  first  among  the  rising  men  in  the  town. 


174  L7FK    OP 

Perhaps  I  need  not  add  that  Mr.  Reedy  was  a  detective  of 
the  old  school,  who  caught  his  rogues,  and  generally  brought 
them  to  grief. 

Following  this  exposure  of  the  resident  of  Simms'  Folly, 
came  the  failure  of  the  Producers',  Farmers',  Traders',  Man 
ufacturers',  and  Mechanics^  Bank,  which  had  been  managed 
by  Andriss,  in  accordance  with  the  needs  of  his  other  finan 
ciering  operations.  This  failure  was  a  severe  blow  to  some 
of  the  stockholders.  Many  of  the  original  subscribers  had 
disposed  of  their  stock  to  Andriss ;  among  these,  were  Seth 
Spring,  Mr.  Feathergilt,  and  Mr.  Bean.  I  never  had  any 
stock.  My  father  traded  off  his  for  a  fast-trotting  horse. 
Aunt  Dolly  and  Seth  Spring's -house-keeper  followed  the  ex 
ample  of  their  employers,  and  were  not  harmed.  Mr.  Dove- 
drake,  the  minister,  kept  his  shares.  Andriss,  somehow  or 
other,  had  obtained  so  much  influence  over  him  that  no  advice 
of  his  friends  could  induce  him  to  disturb  what  he  called  his 
permanent  investment. 

I  should  state  here,  in  explanation,  that  Andriss  had  been 
liberal  to  the  church,  in  the  way  of  subscription  for  tracts  and 
missionary  enterprises ;  in  fact,  he  was  said  to  have  run  the 
church,  for  a  time,  on  his  improved  financial  principles.  The 
minister  .bore  his  loss  with  the  same  equanimity  he  displayed 
at  the  first  meeting  at  the  Folly,  to  get  up  this  bank,  —  where, 
the  reader  will  remember,  he  suffered  a  fracture  in  his  trousers. 
Mr.  Dovedrake  seemed  to  be  of  that  kind  of  persons  -who, 
whenever  they  leave  the  business  they  have  learned  for  any 
speculation,  always  tear"  their  trousers,  —  to  use  a  rhetorical 
figure. 

Thus  passed  away  this  great  financial  luminary.  I  have  no 
further  comments  to  make  at  this  time,  upon  the  career  of 
Aram  Andriss,  or  "Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  whose  name  is -no 
more  heard  in  the  financial  circles  of  Cranberry  Centre  ;  but 
who,  for  a  time,  was  a  power.  So  passeth  away  all  the  glories 
of  this  world ! 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  175 


CHAPTER  XX. 

HOW  THINGS   WORKED. 

I  STATED  that  the  great  political  uprising,  which  had  been 
so  successful  for  one  party  and  so  disastrous  to  another,  did 
not  deprive  me  of  my  reason ;  neither  did  it  engulf  me  in  the 
whirlpool  that  ruined  so  many.  I  kept  out  of  politics,  and 
there  is  not  a  man  to  this  day  who  can  tell  how  I  voted.  There 
have  been  surmises  and  guesses  on  both  sides.  Judging  by 
my  expressed  opinions,  my  readers  may  have  an  idea  which 
way  I  inclined,  or  leaned,  as  a  matter  of  judgment.  But  some 
times  a  man's  judgment  is  one  thing,  and  the  way  he  votes  is 
another. 

If  I  have  never  stated  it  before,  I  will  state  it  now,  —  I  have 
never  been  a  strong  party  man.  I  was  always  independent  in 
this  regard,  and  if  it  should  appear  as  if  I  had  changed  my 
opinions  on  men  and  measures,  no  one  can  accuse  me  of  going 
from  one  party  to  another,  for  any  purpose  whatever.  Now  I 
did  not  join  either  side  in  the  hard-cider  campaign  ;  I  must 
leave  my  readers  to  discover  the  reason  why  I  did  not.  I  was 
overseer  of  the  poor.  I  had  under  my  care  paupers  of  both 
parties,  and  on  principle  refrained  from  expressing  my  prefer 
ences.  One  or  the  other  of  the  great  parties  was  to  be  de 
feated.  I  had  an  idea  which  ;  it  could  just  as  well  be  defeated 
without  my  vote  as  with  it. 

I  had  no  notion  of  speech-making  ;  but  my  mind  was  occu 
pied  with  the  chances  in  my  favor  for  being  one  of  the  select- 
men.  When  I  was  made  overseer  of  the  poor,  I  had  no  thought 
of  advancement ;  but  being  in  that  office  gave  me  a  sort  of 


176  LIFE    OF 

hankering  for  another.  I  cannot  account  for  it.  I  was  not 
inspired  by  any  desire  to  make  money.  I  was  bashful  in  my 
manner.  I  knew  very  little  of  the  wickedness  of  public  life, 
or  the  real  vanities  of  the  world.  I  never  could  tell  why  I 
was  inoculated  with  the  truly  American  idea  that  one  man  is 
just  as  good  for  an  office  as  any  other,  if  he  can  get  the  votes ; 
and  can  learn  the  duties  of  the  place  after  he  gets  it. 
AVhen  anything  of  the  kind  was  hinted  to  me,  I  always  said  I 
was  unfit ;  and  I  really  believed  I  was.  I  refused,  and  kept 
quiet.  My  reader  will  understand  where  I  got  the  idea  from, 
to  refuse  properly  the  tiling  you  want,  when  you  know  you 
can  have  it;  if  he  does  not,  it  will  be  explained  hereafter. 
About  this  time  I  had  made  up  my  mind,  whenever  the  chance 
came,  to  have  the  man  ready. 

I  will  simply  state  here  that  the  country  had  been  engaged 
in  war  since  the  log-cabin  success,  by  an  administration  of 
another  kind.  Generals,  colonels,  and  corporals  rose  from  the 
ranks,  and  other  obscurer  and  less  reputable  places ;  but  the 
war  was  not  popular  in  Cranberry  Centre,  and  few  of  its  in 
habitants  rose  to  any  distinguished  military  positions.  It  was 
di til-rent  in  the  State  of  New  Hampshire  ;  but  I  forbear.  I 
am  not  writing  the  history  *of  New  Hampshire,  or  the  United 
States. 

The  free-soil  agitation  was  just  now  disturbing  the  old  war- 
horses,  as  they  were  called,  of  both  great  parties.  The  pro 
hibitory-law  organizers  were  trying  their  tactics,  and  exciting 
discussions  upon  these  so-called  live  questions  were  not  un 
common  Things  were  getting  just  enough  mixed  to  give  men 
a  chance  to  leave  their  party  if  they  could  do  better  in  another 
without  sacrificing  their  principles.  Some  did  it. 

I  have  made  no  attempt  at  fixing  exact  dates  hitherto ;  in 
future  I  may  be  more  precise,  as  I  approach  that  period  when 
I  launched  my  bark  upon  the  tempestuous  seas  of  public  life. 
I  still  adhere  to  the  idea  of  concealing  my  actual  years  of  ex- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  177 

istence ;  that  is,  I  mean,  their  number.  I  will  only  state,  I 
thought  I  had  arrived  at  an  age  when,  if  ever,  I  might  fulfil 
in  part  my  public  and  private  destiny. 

I  will  state  that  I  am  now  about  to  fix  a  date,  but  for  which 
the  life  of  Batkins  might  never  have  been  written.  It  is  the 
memorable  year  1851.  The  previous  changes  were  many  in 
Cranberry  Centre.  I  shall  but  refer  to  a  few  topics  of  public 
and  private  interest,  and  then  pursue  my  task  as  chronicler  of 
my  public  mission. 

As  time  moved-  on,  people  were  married,  children  were  born, 
as  usual  some  died  ;  but  on  the  whole  the  town  increased  the 
number  of  its  inhabitants,  and  houses  were  nearer  to  each  other 
in  some  localities  than  when  I  first  described  its  boundaries  and 
extent,  and  its  later  progress/ 

Sirnms'  Folly  was  sold  at  vendue,  with  all  its  old  French 
and  Dutch  furniture.  Mr.  Feathergilt  bought  the  estate,  and 
some  of  the  pictures,  handsome  chairs,  tables,  and  gorgeous 
furniture. 

In  looking  over  my  almanacs,  I  find  that  the  sun  of  my 
political  life  was  rising,  as  it  was  setting  with  some  of  my 
neighbors  of  Cranberry  Centre.  I  was  getting  to  be  pretty 
well  known.  As  to  my  private  affairs,  during  this  time,  I  shall 
not  enlarge.  I  still  paid  taxes  on  my  lots  in  the  new  city; 
Aunt  Dolly  presided  at  the  homestead ;  my  father  held  his  own. 
Among  the  ladies  a  frequent  subject  of  discussion  was,  "  When 
will  Mr.  Batkins  marry,  and  who  will  be  the  lady  of  his 
choice?  "  I  had  some  offers,  I  confess,  but  at  present  I  shall 
name  no  parties. 

I  had  made  some  slight  acquaintance  with  ladies  of  culti 
vated  tastes,  as  well  as  the  wives  and  daughters  of  farmers, 
mechanics,  and  shoemakers ;  this  partly  on  account  of  my  po 
sition  as  overseer  of  the  poor,  and  jpartly  for  other  reasons, 
which  it  is  not  necessary  to  specify.  I  had  not  yet  become 
familiar  with  the  ways  of  the  women-folks.  I  had  an  idea 


178  LIFE    OF 

that  there  was  a  stylish  class  of  young  men,  just  then  being 
introduced,  that  could  better  comprehend  their  winning  ways 
than  I  was  able  to  do. 

I  had  no  music  in  me ;  the  idea  had  begun  further  to 
develop  that  the  American  people  were  a  musical  people. 
Music  teachers  found  their  way  to  Cranberry  Centre. 
I  noticed  that  cumbersome  invention,  the  piano-forte,  was 
fast  displacing  the  wash-tub,  the  churn,  and  the  cheese- 
press,  in  the  houses  of  Cranberry  Centre.  I  noticed  that 
people  of  limited  means  would  do  some  things,  to  keep  up  ap 
pearances,  that  were  neither  in  accordance  with  the  ten  com 
mandments,  or  the  laws  of  the  Commonwealth  ;  and  —  I  will 
not  particularize  —  though  some  of  these  foolish  people  are 
dead,  their  relatives  still  live,  and  pursue  the  same  or  similar 
mysterious  ways.* 

*  I  will  state  here,  that  if  I  had  carried  out  my  own  views,  I  should  have  made 
further,  and  as  I  think,  interesting  extracts  from  my  files  of  the  "  Farmers'  Alma 
nac,"  and  other  records,  in  relation  to  these  matters  of  music  and  morals;  but  the 
person  who  is  assisting  mo  in  my  autobiography  advises  me  to  pass  over  this  part 
of  my  history,  and  also  not-  to  anticipate  the  future  too  much.  Reluctantly  I  fol 
low  his  advice,  and  that  must  account  for  the  brevity  of  this  chapter.  —  J.  S.  E. 


JEFFERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  179 


CHAPTER  XXL 

MY   NAME. 

IN  the  beginning  I  stated  that  I  should  not  make  any 
parade  of  my  ancestry,  and  I  did  not  even  name  my  paternal 
grandfather.  I  have  since  learned  that  he  had  a  sort  of 
hereditary  notion  of  politics,  and  my  naming  was  influenced 
by  it;  indeed,  my  father  admitted  it.  This  giving  to  chil 
dren  the  names  of  great  men  is  not  without  some  disadvan 
tages.  The  little  time  I  had  to  spare  to  the  reading  of  the 
"  History  of  Rome  "  gave  me  the  information  as  to  where 
some  of  these  names  came  from.  I  had  also  observed  that  these 
classic  names  were  given  in  equal  proportions  to  dogs,  horses, 
and  negroes.  Csesar,  Pompey,  Cassius,  are  familiar  exam 
ples  of  this  distribution  of  names. 

A  generation  or  so  changes  the  style.  In  the  days  of  my 
boyhood  the  favorite  names  were  of  our  heroes  and  statesmen. 
George  Washingtons,  James  Madisons,  and  Thomas  Jeffer- 
sons,  and,  a  while  after,  Andrew  Jacksons,  were  plenty  among 
the  rising  stock  of  American  citizens.  These  names  are  not 
often  given  to  dogs,  though,  at  a  later  period,  some  horses  were 
thus  designated  as  well  as  ships,  and  locomotive  engines.  I 
have  not  yet  heard  of  my  name  out  of  the  family.  I  dare 
say  in  the  future  it  will  be  thus  honored. 

My  grandfather's  name  was  Jethro  Smith  Batkins  ;  Smith 
after  the  minister  who  had  married  his  progenitor  to  the  damsel 
of  his  choice.  Smith  had  been  an  unsuccessful  suitor  to  the 
lady,  whose  name  in  the  maiden  state  I  am  unable  to  give. 
Family  tradition  has  it,  the  question  was  decided  by  the  lady's 


180  LIFE    OF 

having  more  affection  for  mammon  and  lucre,  than  for  piety 
and  poverty,  ; —  the  property  of  the  young  clergyman,  who 
exemplified  the  teachings  of  the  golden  rule,  by  exacting  from 
the  bride  to  be,  the  promise  to  love,  honor,  and  obey  Jethro 
Batkins,  instead  of  Smith  himself. 

When  my  father  appeared,  it  was  decided  to  drop  the  name 
of  Smith,  as  that,  too,  had  become  a  somewhat  overused  ex 
pression  as  a  distinctive  mark  or  feature  of  departed  greatness 
or  living  reputation.  There  had  never  been  any  intimation 
that  anything  derogative  to  the  Smith  family  had  occurred, 
either  from  the  neighborly  visits-  of  the  minister  to  the  home 
stead  of  the  Batkins  family,  or  in  any  other  form.  Plain 
Jethro  Batkins  was  the  style  of  my  father's  address. 

When  I  came,  my  father  decided  that  one  Jethro  Batkins 
in  a  family  was  enough.  In  a  patriotic  moment  he  decided 
that  I  should  bear  the  name  of  his  favorite  American  politician 
and  ex-president,  Jefferson ;  so,  but  for  the  interference  of 
my  mother,  as  I  understood  from  Aunt  Dolly,  my  name  would 
have  been  Thomas  Jefferson  Batkins.  She  said  my  grand 
father  ought  to  be  represented  by  name  in  the  third  genera 
tion,  and  insisted  upon  Smith  being  added  to  the  Tom 
Jefferson,  which  then  would  have  been  Thomas  Jefferson 
Smith  Batkins.  I  do  not  know  if  the  Smiths  and  Witha- 
spoons  were  connected  either  by  blood  or  marriage,  but  the 
dispute  over  the  name  of  the  first  and  only  pledge  of  mutual 
love,  or  some  other  domestic  virtue,  was  settled  by  a  com 
promise,  —  my  father  consenting  to  omit  the  Thomas  and 
insert  the  Smith. 

I  will  correct  here  the  wrong  impression  of  the  interpolation 
of  my  intermediate  name.  Though  I  always  wrote  my  name 
J.  S.  Batkins,  I  did  not  fancy  the  Smith.  I  do  not  know 
that  I  was  ever  asked  any  explanation  as  to  the  meaning  of 
the  letter  S.,  but  when  I  begun  to  get  into  politics,  I  was  called 
familiarly  by  some  people  Jeff  Batkins,  as  they  used  to  say  Tom 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  181 

Jefferson,  and  Bob  Winthrop,  —  one  of  my  contemporaries, 
and  at  present,  I  believe,  alive  and  well ;  at  least,  I  hope  so. 

My  grandfather  was  often  put  up  in  a  caucus  for  something, 
but.  had  not  any  desire  to  hold  any  office  of  responsibility,  and 
I  do  not  think  the  majority  of  his  fellow-townsmen  had  any 
disposition  to  interfere  with  his  comfort  by  forcing  him  to 
serve  the  town  or  State  against  his  will ;  still  he  rather  liked 
to  have  himself  talked  about  as  a  candidate,  and  there  were  a 
few  —  his  hired  men  and  other  discontented  partisans  —  who 
would  vote  for  him.  In  the  returns,  after  election,  a  vote  or 
two  would  be  counted  for  J.  S.  Batkins,  and  recorded  aa 
"  scattering;  "  until,  by  general  consent,  he  was  called  "  Old 
Scattering,"  which  he  received  as  a  pleasantry,  and  at  last 
Scattering  was  established,  and  Smith  forgotten. 

On  one  election,  before  I  had  any  knowledge  of  the  matter, 
I  also  received  one  vote  for  some  inconsiderable  office,  and  was 
marked  as  "scattering."  Then  was  revived  the  story  of  my 
grandfather's  case,  by  some  old  joker  of  the  place,  and  then  and 
there  was  transferred  to  me  the  euphonious  name  of  Scattering, 
which,  until  this  time,  I  never  disputed,  but  deem  it  to  be  my 
duty  to  do  so  now.  I  do  not  fancy  the  name  of  Smith  ;  still 
it  is  mine,  and  may  be  preferable  to  Scattering,  which  is  not 
mine,  only  in  a  political  sense.  Names  will  stick.  Jefferson 
S.  Batkins  is  mine, —  and  I  always  answer  to  it  when  it  is 
called  out  so  I  can  hear  it. 


182  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

THE    CAMPAIGN.  —  MY    ELECTION. 

IT  will  be  remembered  that  I  have  recorded  a  resolution 
that  I  made  when  I  escaped  from  the  trap  set  for  me  in  the 
grocery  store,  by  my  confidential  clerk  and  partner,  Mr.  Bean, 
to  the  effect  that  I  hoped  I  should  never  get  into  politics.  I 
thought,  also,  and  partly  resolved,  that  I  would  not  marry 
until  after  I  had  counted  more  than  forty  years  of  life.  I  now 
confess  I  had  the  desire  to  do  both,  namely :  to  hold  an  office 
of  honor  and  emolument,  and  marry  a  woman  proper  for  my 
habits  and  condition.  In  fact,  I  was  haunted  by  day  by  the 
ghosts  of  politics  and  politicians ;  by  night  I  was  rendered 
sleepless  by  the  phantom  of  marriage. 

The  time  was  coming  for  me  as  to  the  office.  The  people 
were  in  an  unsettled  state;  the  "political  caldron  was  seeth 
ing,"  as  was  printed  in  the  "  County  Gazette  ;  "  the  politician 
element  of  the  Batkins'  blood  was  developing,  proving  again 
Dr.  Slawter's  molecular  theory.  As  to  the  marriage,  I  was 
but  imperfectly  impressed  with  that  idea,  —  a  negative  quality, 
it  will  be  remembered  in  my  father's  line.  An  office  was  a 
natural  necessity  in  my  case  ;  for  matrimonial,  operations  I 
could  afford  to  wait.  Briefly  stated,  this  was  about  the  condi 
tion  of  my  mind  when  the  campaign  of  1851  had  commenced 
in  Cranberry  Centre. 

It  was  said,  a  political  whirlwind  was  about  to  sweep  the 
land,  and  Cranberry  Centre  could  not  be  neutral  in  the  crisis. 
Its  citizens  were  alive  to  the  threatenings.  Great  powers 
were  arraying  to  attack  two  great  evils,  slavery  and  intern- 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  183 

perance.  Agitation  had  produced  wonderful  effects.  I 
had  opinions,  but  I  did  not  promulgate  them.  Parties  made 
divisions  on  these  questions.  I  remained  at  home  on  my  farm, 
reading  the  newspapers,  my  favorite  "  Robinson  Crusoe," 
"  Pilgrim's  Progress,"  and  the  "  Life  of  Franklin."  I  was  like 
the  Roman  general,  who  was  a  warrior  in  war,  and  a  farmer  in 
peace,  only  with  this  difference,  —  I  had  no  experience  in  war. 
I  was  attached  to  this  old  warrior  by  some  poetry  verses, 
that  run  thus  :  — 

"  Great  Cincinnatus  at  his  plough, 

With  greater  lustre  shone, 
Than  guilty  Cacssar  e'er  could  show, 
Though  seated  on  his  throne." 

When  I  first  read  this  poetry  I  had  never  heard  of  Cincin 
natus,  but  I  had  heard  of  Caesar.  We  had  a  dog  named 
Cossar,  and  there  was  an  old  negro  in  the  town,  who  came 
from  Virginia,  when  I  was  a  youngster;  I  knew  him. well. 

Two  of  my  neighbors  were  rivals  for  a  seat  in  the 
State  House  that  I  had  the  honor  to  occupy,  under  the  fol 
lowing  circumstances.  Each  of  them,  with  their  friends,  had 
struggled  for  the  nomination.  To  succeed  it  was  necessary  for 
one  or  the  other  to  have  the  support  of  a  part  of  the  neutral 
party.  Neither  of  these  gentlemen  would  pledge  themselves 
to  such  action,  if  elected,  as  would  satisfy  this  neutral  party  ; 
but  to  retain  their  own  party  votes,  their  party  pledge  must  be 
stiffened  beyond  peradventure.  Upon  being  waited  upon,  to 
know  to  which  party  I  should  give  my  influence,  instinctively 
I  avoided  either  of  the'  two  great  contending  powers.  It  was 
given  out  that  a  man  was  wanted,  who  did  not  seek  office ; 
that  to  obtain  the  right  man,  the  office  should  seek  him.  I 
happening  to  agree  to  this  doctrine,  not  having  been  embar 
rassed  by  any  attempts  of  this  kind,  while  the  other  gentle 
men  had  notoriously  been  working  for  some  office  all  their  lives, 


184  LIFE    OF 

when  it  was  asked  around,  "  Where  is  such  a  man?  Who  is 
he?"  the  response  was,  "  Batkins."  The  time  had  come; 
the  man  was  ready;  and,  "like  Cincinnatus  at  his  plough," 
I  was  waited  upon  by  a  committee,  and,  though  it  was  with 
reluctance  at  first,  I  declined ;  for  I  confess,  when  the  honor 
stared  me  in  the  face,  I  did  not  believe  that  I  was  qualified  ; 
but  upon  being  urged,  after  the  Caesar  fashion,  —  I  don't 
mean  the  dog,  nor  the  negro,  but  the  emperor,  —  I  ac 
cepted  the  nomination. 

Now,  my  honest  reader,  whether  politician  or  not,  I  appeal 
to  you  thus  far  if  I  had  any  hand  in  this  nomination.  I  fear 
lessly  await  your  answer,  in  any  form,  and  proceed  to  give  an 
account  of  my  election. 

I  said  that  old  parties,  at  least  in  Cranberry  Centre,  were 
at  this  time  undergoing  the  process  of  breaking  up.  I  was 
the  candidate  of  the  Honest  Men's  and  Independent  Party,  of 
which  Mr.  Bean  was  a  moving  power.  I  held  one  office  in  the 
"gift  of-  the  people,"  — overseer  of  the  poor.  I  did  think 
that  Mr.  Bean  was  rather  a  tricky,  plotting  citizen,  and  I  had 
suffered  from  his  manoeuvres  ;  but  I  had  no  right  to  prevent 
him  from  assisting  the  party  that  nominated  me,  or  to  refuse 
his  voting  for  me,  on  private  grounds,  when  the  public  good 
was  at  hazard.  I  have  this  to  state  in  his  favor,  at  this  time. 
After,  in  my 'capacity  of  overseer  of  the  poor,  I  obtained  for 
him  the  supplying  the  poor-farm  with  groceries  and  dry  goods, 
the  inmates  never  complained  of  bad  tea  or  coffee,  molasses  or 
flannel ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  some  of  our  paupers,  who  had 
been  used  to  good  things  in  better  days,  agreed  that  their 
victuals  and  raiment  were  equal  to  their  remembrances  of 
happier  times. 

It  appeared  he  never  took  any  advantage  of  the  poor.  The 
selectmen  sometimes  found  fault  with  Bean's  bills.  His  reply 
was  generally  to  this  effect :  "  No  man  can  be  one  of  the 
selectmen  longer  than  one  year  unless  he  is  liberal  to  the  poor 
with  the  town's  money." 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  185 

I  did  not  then  understand  how  well  men  who  had  been  in 
office  liked  to  keep  it.  I  have  had  my  experience  since,  as  my 
reader  will  discover. 

Bean's  threat  usually  silenced  opposition  to  his  bills  of  gro 
ceries  and  dry  goods.  Human  nature  does  get  mixed  up  in 
strange  compounds.  Bean  was  a  pattern  not  easy  to  match. 

As  to  my  election,  I  did  not  think  my  giving  the  master  of 
the  poor  farm's  office  to  Bodge's  wife's  brother,  and  the 
matron's  to  his  wife,  at  Bean's  suggestion,  injured  my  pros 
pects  among  the  friends  of  these  well-pfovided-for  individuals. 
I  rather  think,  on  reflection,  my  seven  years'  change  of  mole 
cules,  as  Dr.  Slawter  named  the  atoms,  had  removed  some  of 
my  vealy  ideas.  One  of  our  girls  had,  not  long  before-,  said, 
"  For  a  critter  as  old  as  I  was,  there  was  a  considerable  quan 
tity  of  calf  in  me  yet;  and  she  guessed  it  was  not  on  my 
mother's  side."  I  did  not  own  up  at  that  time;  but  when  I 
call  to  mind  the  nature  of  her  previous  conversation,  I  am  not 
sure  that  the  female,  from  her  stand-point,  was  not  about  half 
right. 

I  began  to  see  that  it  would  not  do  to  follow  a  too  rigid 
mode  of  intercourse  with  your  fellow-citizens.  I  have  arrived 
at  the  conclusion  that  to  go  through  a  crowd  easy,  you  must 
not  let  your  elbows  stick  out  too  much.  I  was  nominated,  and 
after  the  nomination  I  walked  more  than  usual  down  among  the 
shoemakers.  I  said  nothing  that  should  make  it  appear  as  if 
I  had  any  interest  in  the  election.  If  anybody  questioned  me 
I  expressed  great  doubts  as  to  my  success.  My  father  said 
he  thought  I  should  win.  Aunt  Dolly  was  afraid  I  should. 

One  trouble  gained  upon  me,  —  I  should  have  to  make  a 
speech.  I  tried  to  do  so  when  the  committee  waited  upon  me. 
I  sat  up  all  night  to  write  one.  I  could  riot  find  the  right 
almanac  in  which  I  had  put  down  Mr.  Spring's  speech  at  the 
bank-meeting.  '  I  could  not  get  beyond  "Mr.  Chairman,  I  am 
not  accustomed;"  so  when  the  committee  came,  I  said,  "I 


7.7/7?   OF 

can  make  no  speech,  Mr.  Chairman,  but  I  accept  the  nomina 
tion.  I  hope;  as  I  am  nominated,  I  shall  be  elected ;  if  I  am 
elected,  I  shall  go  to  Boston,  and  the  interests  of  Cranberry 
Centre  shall  not  suffer  at  my  hands." 

The  committee  said  that  was  a  good  speech  ;  that  it  would 
require  a  little  money  to  grease  the  wheels.  I  understood 
that,  and  agreed  to  pay,  after  the  election,  what  they  thought 
should  be  my  share.  I  do  not  know  how  other  candidates  feel 
before  the  election  any  more  than  I  do  how  some  people  feel 
in  the  prospect  of  being  married.  I  know  I  could  not  sleep 
nights.  I  watched  the  "  County  Gazette,"  with  the  expecta 
tion  of  having  some  question  asked  of  me  that  I  could  not 
answer.  I  was  dreaming  all  the  time  of  counting  votes. 
Though  I  pretended  to  be  unconcerned,  I  was  constantly  in  a 
twitter. 

The  great  day  of  election  came  at  last,  and  I  went  with  my 
fellow-citizens  to  cast  that  great  weapon  of  freedom,  the  ballot. 
Bean  was  at  the  meeting-house,  distributing  votes.  He  ap 
proached  me  with  great  politeness,  took  off  his  hat,  as  he  handed 
me  what  he  called  the  Independent  Ticket,  saying  to  the  crowd 
hanging  about,  "  Three  cheers  for  Batkins,  the  future  represent 
ative  of  Cranberry  Centre  !"  I  took  off  my  hat,  bowing,  as  I 
moved  along  to  the  ballot-box.  I  deposited  the  freeman's  weapon. 
I  do  not  know  whose  name,  headed  the  ticket  for  governor.  It 
was  Bean's  ticket,  and  whether  I  voted  for  my  then  aspiring 
friend,  Mr.  Boutwell,  or  the  candidate  of  the  Whigs,  I  am  to 
this  day  ignorant.  I  suppose  I  must  have  voted  for  myself,  as 
it  was  Mr.  Bean's  interest  to  have  me  elected,  and  it  is  not 
supposable  that  he  would  give  me  a  ticket  upon  which  my 
name  had  not  been  printed.  As  I  was  elected  by  a  majority 
of  one  vote,  I  never  asked  the  question,  but  at  this  late  day, 
after  my  acquaintance  with  political  management,  I  am  not 
ashamed  to  publish  the  truth,  let  it  cut  where  it  may. 

That  evening  the  returns  were  brought  to  the  homestead, 


JEFFERSON  S.    E ATKINS.  187 

and  the  interesting  part,  to  me,  I  subjoin,  as  part  of  the  docu 
mentary  evidence  belonging  to  my  political  life :  — 

"FoR  REPRESENTATIVE. 

"Seth  Spring         ........  29 

Poter  Drystone   ........  50 

Jefferson  S.  Batkins 81 

160" 

I  was  elected  representative  for  Cranberry  Centre,  by  a 
majority  of  one  vote.  If  I  did  vote  for  myself,  I  was  only 
enjoying  my  right  as  a  freeman.  It  is  a  question  unsettled 
to  this  day  whose  vote  elected  me,  J.  S.  Batkins. 


188  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER   XXIIL 

THE    SCHOOL-MASTER. 

IN  due  time  I  received  from  the  town-clerk  the  certificate  of 
my  election  as  representative.  I  had  been  anxious  until  that 
event.  When  I  was  congratulated  upon  my  success,  it  ap 
peared  to  me  as  a  doubtful  thing.  I  was  fearful  that  my  seat 
would  be  contested. 

Mr.  David  Drystone,  a  painter,  one  of  my  defeated  compet 
itors,  asserted  that  a  man  was  taken  to  the  polls  from  the  poor- 
farm,  to  vote  on  the  name  of  his  brother,  who,  it  afterwards 
appeared,  was  in  Boston  jail  on  the  day  of  the  election. 

As  I  was  overseer  of  the  poor,  this  trick  was  charged  upon 
me.  Bean  advised  me  to  be  silent,  to  appear  to  be  indignant, 
and  scorn  to  reply.  I  told  him  that  was  just  how  I  did  feel 
about  it,  and  asked  Bean  if  he  supposed  I  would  do  such  a 
thing. 

Bean  said  he  did  not  know;  that  politics  u  made  us  ac 
quainted  with  strange  bedfellows;  "  that  Drystone  was  a  hard 
customer,  but  he  thought  he  could  manage  him.  I  told  him 
he  might  do  it,  if  he  thought  best.  The  voting  list  showed  no 
mark  against  the  name  of  Solomon  Pinkeyside,  the  party  in 
question.  Bean  thought  there  had  been,  and  that  a  knife  or 
india  rubber  had  been  used. 

Drystone,  when  appealed  to  by  Bean,  said,  "Nobody  could 
fool  him  ;  the  ballot-box  had  been  tampered  with,  and  the 
check-list  manipulated," — these  are  his  words,  you  under 
stand,  not  mine.  Bean  listened  to  him,  making  no  reply. 
Drystone  continued,  in  a  self-assured  way  :  — 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  189 

"It  is  between  the  overseer  of  the  poor,  the  master  of  the 
poor- farm,  and  somebody  else  that  I  need  not  travel  a  great 
distance  to  put  my  hand  upon." 

Bean  ran  his  fingers  through  his  hair,  evidently  suppressing 
his  indignation.  Looking  the  painter  in  the  face,  he  said  :  — • 

"  Drystone,  if  you  mean  to  insinuate  that  Mr.  Batkins,  rep 
resentative  elect,  had  anything  to  do  with  the  matter,  you 
wrong  hinr;  he  is  incapable  of  such  a  thing.  If  you  mean 
me,  as  the  person  represented  in  your  assertion  as  '  somebody 
else,'  say  it,  and  I  will  prosecute  you,"  — this  was  spoken  in 
an  elevated  tone  of  voice,  — '"according  to  law." 

Walking  up  to  him  quietly,  he  said,  "  Drystone,  if  you  say 
this  thing  again,  I  will  give  you  such  a  cowhiding  as  no  horse 
in  Cranberry  Centre  ever  had,  and  then  complain  of  myself 
for  assault,  and  pay  the  fine." 

This  threat  frightened  Drystone  more  than  -the  threat  of  the 
prosecution.  Bean  also  added:  "The  poor-farm  house,  the 
meeting-house,  and  Mr.  Batkins'  barn,  are  all  to  be  painted  in 
the  spring,  and  after  attempting  to  contest  Mr.  Batkins'  seat  in 
the  Legislature,  what  chance  would  you  have  for  either  of  these 
jobs?" 

This  time  I  thought  Bean  hit  the  mark,  for  Drystone  re 
plied,  a  little  nervously,  I  thought,  "Well,  Mr.  Bean,  if  you 
say  it  is  all  right,  I  suppose  it  is.  I  have  nothing  against  Mr. 
Batkins,  only  I  don't  want  to  see  anything  done  to  destroy  the 
purity  of  elections." 

Bean  said  he  agreed  with  him.  No  more  was  said  about 
contesting  the  seat  of  the  successful  candidate  of  the  "  Honest 
Men's  and  Independent  Party  "  ticket.  Drystone's  scruples 
had  vanished,  and  we  all  walked  from  the  office  of  the  town 
clerk  together,  our  conversation  taking  a  business  turn  until 
we  separated,  and  each  went  on  his  way  home. 

I  began  more  and  more  to  feel  the  responsibility  of  the  new 
situation.  I  was  to  succeed  that  old  and  tried  parliamentarian 


190  LIFE    OF 

and  faithful  public  servant  of  the  town,  as  he  was  called  on 
the  stump.  Hon.  Seth  Spring,  who  had  represented  the  dis 
trict  in  the  Senate,  and  who,  for  the  good  of  the  State  in  gen 
eral,  and  Cranberry  Centre  in  particular,  was  willing  to  go 
again  to  the  "  House." 

I  submit  to  my  readers  an  extract  from  an  article  in  the 
"  County  Gazette,"  published  previous  to  the  election  :  — 

"Mr.  Spring  is  a  strong  man,  who,  although  he  has  rep 
resented  a  senatorial  district  with  honor  to  himself,  at  a  time 
when  men  of  large  experience  are  wanted  in  the  councils  of  the 
State,  he  is  not  unwilling  to  go  back  to  the  popular  branch  of 
the  Legislature,  where  years  ago  he  won  his  spurs  in  that 
grand  debate  in  which  many  of  Boston's  ablest  men  partici 
pated,  but  in  which  the  victory  was  with  the  defender  of  the 
rural  districts. 

"Who  are  his  opponents?  David  Drystone,  a  political 
hack,  on  what  is  called  the  Democratic  ticket,  and  upon  the 
'piebald,'  so-called  'Honest  Men's  and  Independent  ticket.' 
Jefferson  S.  Batkins,  —  a  man  no  doubt  of  good  intentions, 
who,  whatever  he  may  prove  himself  to  be  hereafter,  has  not 
that  political  experience  and  parliamentary  grasp  that  will 
enable  him  to  meet  the  old  war-horses  of  Boston,  always 
opposed  to  the  rural  districts,  and  who  look  down  with  con 
tempt  upon  constituencies  like  ours  of  Cranberry  Centre." 

I  read  this  extract  often.  I  could  not  understand  how  the 
Hon.  Seth  Spring  could  win  his  spurs  in  a  debate,  not 
knowing  that  that  was  the  phrase  for  winning  a  race  of  words 
in  the  State  House.  I  understood  somewhat  how  medals  and 
purses  of  money  were  won  at  ploughing-matches  and  horse 
races,  and  winning  spurs  might  come  in  there ;  but  from  what 
I  had  heard  my  father  say,  things  were  not  always  square  at 
cattle-shows,  and  other  trials  of  speed.  He  used  to  say  il  was 
not  always  sure  that  the  best  teams  would  get  the  prizes. 

I  had  had  some  talk  with  Mr.  Birch,  the  school-master,  about 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  191 

such  matters,  and  I  asked  bin*  about  this  "  winning  spurs." 
Mr.  Birch  said  it  was  a  figure  of  speech,  a  rhetorical  decora 
tion,  as  was  the  phrase  "  war-horses  of  Boston,"  applied  to 
gentlemen  veterans  in  politics. 

I  told  the  school-master  then,  you  understand,  that  I  sup 
posed  I  was  right  in  saving  Seth  Spring  would  wear  these 
spurs,  if  he  ever  got  another  chance  to  ride  these  war-horses 
of  Boston.  Mr.  Birch  smiled.  He  said  I  had  used  a  rhetor 
ical  figure,  too ;  and  if  my  metaphor  was  as  happy  in  debate, 
the  mantle  of  my  predecessor  might  fall  on  me,  and  he  had  no 
doubt  I  should  wear  it  gracefully. 

I  asked  him  if  Seth  Spring  wore  a  mantle  in  the  State 
House.  Mr.  Birch  said  no  ;  that  was  a  figure  of  rhetoric  also. 

This  explanation  did  not  relieve  me  of  my  qualms,  as,  with 
out  assistance,  I  could  not  tell  the  difference  between  the 
rhetorical  decorations  and  the  pith  of  the  speeches.  I  asked 
his  advice  ;  what  I  had  better  do  in  the  way  of  preparations, 
as  it  would  certainly  be  expected  of  me  that  I  should  make  at 
least  one  speech  that  would  be  a  credit  to  the  town,  as  well  as 
to  myself.  He  said,  in  his  judgment,  a  man  that  had  nothing 
to  say  had  better  hold  his  tongue.  I  told  him  there  was  less 
than  sixty  days  before  the  General  Court  met,  and  I  must 
learn  as  much  as  I  could  in  that  time  ;  but  as  I  could  not 
learn  everything  in  sixty  days,  I  wished  he  would  give  me  an 
idea  what  I  had  better  take  hold  of  first,  and  I  would  pay  him 
well  for  his  trouble  out  of  my  pay  for  services  at  the  State 
House.  He  said  a  legislator  ought  to  know  something  of 
ancient  history,  as  well  as  modern,  and  have  some  idea  of 
contemporaneous  legislation  of  other  countries ;  he  ought  to 
understand  the  general  principles  of  national,  State,  and 
municipal  law ;  the  different  theories  of  finance,  as  well  as  the 
practice  of  the  ablest  European  financiers  ;  he  ought  to  be  well 
read  in  the  geography  and  history  of  the  world,  —  with  these 
appliances,  acquired  tact,  and  a  full  share  of  common  sense,  a 


192  LIFE    OF 

man  would  be  qualified  to  make-  statutes,  to  govern  his  fellow- 
citizens  and  protect  their  rights  ;  but  if  he  aspired  to  a  leading 
position,  he  should  besjdes  understand  logic,  rhetoric,  the  lan 
guages,  living  and  dead,  civil  and  criminal  codes,  be  conversant 
with  current  literature  and  the  dramatic  art,  and  with  these, 
aided  by  a  cultivated  elocution,  he  might  impress  those  less  gifted 
with  his  fascinating  eloquence  and  effective  massing  of  facts. 

I  was  astounded.  I  asked  him  how  many  members  had  all 
these  gifts  of  nature/  The  school-master  replied  that  they 
were  unot  all  gifts  of  nature;  some  of  these  requisites  are  the 
result  of  study  in  sciences  and  arts.  I  should  say  in  answer, 
Mr.  Batkins,  if  I  were  to  judge  by  their  actions  in  the  General 
Court,  hardly  a  majority  would  come  up  to  the  proper  standard/' 

I  ventured  to  ask  if  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring  had  these.  He 
said  lie  had  many  of  them.  He  was  a  fine  scholar,  and  a  very 
good  speaker  in  debate. 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  I  cannot  learn  all  these  in  sixty  days, 
Sundays  and  all ;  what  do  you  recommend  me  to  do?  " 

He  asked  me  how  extensive  a  library  I  had.  I  told  him 
"  Robinson  Crusoe,"  all  the  Farmers'  Almanacs  from  1809, 
il  Charlotte  Temple,"  "Eliza  Wharton,"  "The  Columbian 
Reader,"  a  book  of  National  Songs.  "  Mother  Goose's  Melo- 
~dies,"  "  New  England  Primer,"  the  Bible,  and  "Jefferson's 
Manual,"  that  I  borrowed  of  the  town  clerk  ;  the  "  History  of 
Rome  "  in  eight  volumes,  with  all  my  accounts  while  I  kept 
store,  and  a  ;'  DaboFs  Arithmetic  "  I  used  at  school. 

I  thought  the  school-master  was  laughing  at  the  list ;  but 
he  appeared  to  be  serious.  He  said  they  were  very  good 
works,  all  of  them  ;  but  he  thought  the  Constitution  of  the 
United  States  and  of  the  State  might  be  added  with  advantage. 
The  "  History  of  Rome  "  would  do;  but  "  a  little  idea  of  Eng 
lish  Grammar  and  a  little  reading  of  parliamentary  debates 
might  prepare  the  way  for  such  other  useful  studies  as  your 
time,  Mr.  Batkins,  will  permit." 

"  It  is  a  hard  job  I've  got,  Mr.  Birch." 


JEFFERSON   S.    BATKTNS.  193 

The  school-master  thought  I  had  better  not  attempt  too 
much  at  once,  arid  commit  to  time  the  rest. 

I  asked  Mr.  Birch  if  he  could  write  a  speech  for  me,  so  that 
I  could  learn  it  and  read  it,  if  I  could  not  do  any  better.  Mr. 
Birch  said  that  might  be  done ;  upon  what  subject  would  I 
choose  to  speak  ? 

I  told  him  I  supposed  I  should  be  expected  to  speak  on  the 
temperance  question ;  country  members,  I  was  told,  made  that 
their  hobby ;  but  I  wanted  a  speech  so  fixed  that  I  could  put 
any  subject  in  the  middle  of  it.  and  have  both  ends  do  to  hitch 
on  to  anything  else. 

Birch  thought  that  was  a  grand  idea,  and  said  if  I  would 
select  the  style  of  the  "exordium  and  peroration,"  he  would 
revolve  the  matter  over  in  his  mind.  u  Perhaps,  Mr.  Batkins, 
the  better  way  would  be  for  you  to  write  a  speech  in  your  way, 
and  let  me  make  such  emendations  as  might  be  found  neces 
sary,  and  still  preserve  the  peculiarity  of  manner  you  might 
desire  to  establish." 

I  told  Birch  I  would  try  it ;  but,  you  understand,  it  was  not 
to  be  so  altered  that  folks  would  say  I  did  not  compose  it,  and 
so  I  told  Birch  afterwards.  I  thought  I  would  ask  Birch  about 
some  of  the  great  orators  that  I  had  heard  spoken  of ;  so  I  be 
gan  on  that  one  that  I  read  about  in  the  "  History  of  Rome," 
that  pitched  into  Cat-a-li-ne  so.  I  asked  him  if  his  name  was 
Cicero.  I  was  always  afraid  to  speak  these  names,  and  it  ap 
peared  on  this  occasion  I  was  wrong.  Mr.  Birch  said  the  great 
conspirator's  name  was  Catiline,  composed  of  three  syllables ; 
and  in  Cicero,  the  consonant  C  was  spoken  soft,  as  if  S.  I  was 
dismayed.  I  remembered  the  C  in  carrots  was  not  soft,  so  I 
supposed  it  must  be  the  same  with  Cicero.  Mr.  Birch  said  no. 
There  were  rules  that  governed  the  sounds  of  consonants,  and 
he  would  instruct  me  in  their  application.  I  said  "  All  right," 
and  asked  Mr.  Birch  if  Cicero  was  the  greatest  orator  in  the 
world  in  those  days. 
13 


194  *  LIFE    OP 

"  Among  the  Romans  he  was  held  to  be,  as  was  Demosthe 
nes  among  the  Greeks:  both  are  highly  esteemed  by  modern 
nations,  as  models  in  their  different  styles.  Cicero  was  born 
an  orator." 

"  Oli,  he  was  !  "  I  said.  "He  could  not  help  it,  then.  I 
suppose  the  Greek  gentleman  was  a  self-made  orator,  Mr. 
Birch?" 

"  He  was  self-taught,  Mr.  Batkins  ;  he  had  great  difficulties 
to  overcome.  He  had  an  impediment  in  his  speech,  yet  he 
lived,  in  the  popular  language  of  the  day,  to  make  Philip 
tremble  on  his  throne,  by  his  fierce  eloquence  and  patriotic, 
but  terrible,  invective  power." 

"  Made  Phillips  tremble  ?  "   I  said.     "  Who  was  Phillips  ?  " 

"  Philip  was  king  of  Macedonia." 

"And  the  Greek  gentleman,  with  the  impediment  in  his 
speech,  was  on  the  stump  against  him?  " 

11  Not  precisely  so.  You  must  read  the  speeches  of  De 
mosthenes." 

As  it  appeared  to  me  that  I  was  more  like  Demosthenes  than 
Cicero.  I  said  I  would.  I  was  somewhat  interested  about  the 
impediment  in  his  speech.  I  asked  Mr.  Birch  if  he  stuttered. 

Mr.  Birch  said,  "  No,  he  did  not  stutter,  exactly  as  we  un 
derstand  it ;  but  by  great  perseverance,  in  constant  and  unre- 
mitted  exercise  and  exertion,  he  overcame  his  physical  difficul 
ties,  and  became  famous  as  an  orator." 

I  told  Birch  I  thought  his  case  was  encouraging  to  new 
members.  I  did  not  know  as  I  ever  should  make  Phillips 
tremble ;  but  I  should  like  to  know  how  he  did  it. 

"It  is  said  he  went  to  the  sea-shore,  and,  filling  his  mouth 
with  pebbles,  declaimed  to  the  sea." 

"I  think,  Mr.  Birch,  you  understand.  I  am  more  likely  to 
be  like  Demosthenes  than  Cicero.  I  can  put  stones  in  my 
mouth  and  go  down  to  the  river,  at  night,  and  try  my  hand  at 
the  '  fierce  eloquence.'  " 


JEFFERSOX   S     B ATKINS.  195 

"Well,  Mr.  Batkins.  I  shall  be  glad  to  assist  you;  begin 
your  speech  first,  and  I  will  think  of  what  i^  best  to  do  next." 

I  promised  him  I  would  do  so.  I  asked  him  if  he  would 
not  like  to  take  part  of  his  pay  in  potatoes,  a  barrel  of  cider, 
or  something  of  that  sort,  and  after  I  got  my  wages  from  the 
State  House  I  would  pay  him  the  balance  for  his  lessons  in 
cash.  He  said  he  should  be  happy  to  accommodate  me,  and 
wished  me  good-evening. 

When  he  had  gone  I  looked  at  myself  in  the  glass,  and  I 
wished  I  had  what  was  in  his  head.  I  would  have  given  a 
large  part  of  my  body  for  some  of  his  brains.  Now,  you  un 
derstand,  reader,  that  then  I  had  to  ask  him  how  to  spell  some 
of  the  words  I  have  written  down,  and  what  they  meant. 

But  I  do  not  desire  to  fill  up  this  page  with  too  many  rep 
etitions  of  my  ignorance.  It  was  I  that  was  chosen  to  the 
General  Court,  not  he ;  and  that  shows  the  beautiful  harmony 
of  republican  institutions  and  governments  in  which  it  is  not 
the  learned  and  competent  only  that  can  aspire  and  be  nomi 
nated  to  office,  but,  thanks  to  the  purity  of  the  ballot-box,  that 
armory  of  the  weapons  of  freemen,  the  most  ignorant  are  as 
eligible  as  the  most  learned,  with  a  good  deal  better  chance  of 
being  elected. 

I  took  out  my  certificate  of  election  from  the  envelope  in 
which  it  was  kept  since  I  received  it  from  the  town-clerk,  that 
made  me  sure  that  I  was  duly  elected  by  the  majority  of  in 
telligent  voters,  and  I  immediately  set  about  preparing  myself 
for  my  duties. 

I  commenced  writing  a  speech.  I  began  it,  "  Mr.  Presi 
dent,"  "Mr.  Moderator,"  "Mr.  Chairman."  I  was  not  sure 
which  was  right :  but,  looking  over  the  book  of  the  last  session, 
I  found  the  head  man  in  the  House  was  to  be  addressed  as  ' '  Mr. 
Speaker."  So  I  scratched  out  all  the  rest,  and  wrote  in  large 
hand,  "  Mister  Speaker,  —  sir,  —  gentlemen  :  —  I  —  I  rise  to 
speak,  and  when  I  speak  I  expect  —  I  hope  —  I  mean  to  — 


196  LIFE    OF 

say  something."  I  turned  to  the  "  History  of  Rome,"  to  Cic 
ero  ;  but  as  I  coujd  not  find  anything  he  said  that  would  suit 
the  temperance  question,  I  gave  it  up.  I  turned  to  my  old 
friend,  "Robinson  Crusoe;"  there  was  no  help  there.  I 
opened  "  Charlotte  Temple  "  and  "  Eliza  Wharton,"  the  prim 
er,  the  arithmetic,  and  the  Bible ;  in  the  Bible  I  found  some 
good  things  about  temptation,  and  about  the  use  of  good  wine, 
and  to  be  careful  not  to  put  new  wine  into  old  bottles ;  but 
neither*  of  these  would  do  to  begin  with.  I  looked  over  the 
Almanacs,  —  nothing  there  ;  the  National  Songs,  —  nothing 
that  would  do  to  begin  with.  "  Mother  Goose  "  was  consulted, 
all  in  vain.  At  last  I  hit  upon  the  "Columbian  Reader." 
There  I  found  a  beginning  of  a  Cicero  speech.  It  began, 
"  Conscript  Fathers,"  and  I  soon  discovered  that  that  speech 
was  delivered  in  the  Senate,  and  would  not  do  in  the  House, 
where  I  was  to  begin  "Mr.  Speaker."  I  was  in  despair  as  to 
writing,  and  got  up  from  the  table,  and  tried  to  imagine  myself 
in  the  State  House,  and  that  somebody  had  said  something  that 
I  did  not  believe.  I  started  again,  with  some  of  the  school 
master's  rhetoric.  Says  I,  "Mr.  Speaker:  If  the  gentleman 
has  won  his  spurs  in  this  debate,  and  with  these  spurs  intends 
to  ride  over  us  war-horses  from  the  country,  sir,  —  the  rural 
districts,  —  without  saddle  or  bridle,  Mr.  Speaker,  then  I  say 
to  him  that  we  of  the  rural  districts  have  seen  the  spurs  taken 
from  many  a  rooster,  who  goes  pillaging  round  the  barn-yard, 
without  in  any  way  contributing  to  the  prosperity  of  the  far 
mer  or  to  the  public  good."  I  wrote  this  down  as  quickly  as  I 
could,  and  I  here  preserve  it,  in  the  original  handwriting  or  a 
similarity  of  it,  just  as  I  wrote  it  then. 

Aunt  Dolly  was  vexed  when  she  heard  of  my  election. 
Said  she,  "Jefferson,  you  was  a  good  boy,  and  in  the  ab 
sence  of  your  father's  wife,"  — that's  what  she  always  called 
my  mother,  you  understand.  —  "I  have  done  my  best  for  you  ; 
and  to  think  you  should  get  into  politics,  and  have  to  go  to 


JEFFERSON  S.    D ATKINS.  197 

that  dreadful  Boston  to  live  for  three  months,  among  all  the 
wickedness  and  temptations  of  that  abominable  place." 

I  tried  to  persuade  Aunt  Dolly  that  I  did  not  believe  there 
was  any  more  wickedness  in  Boston  than  in  Cranberry  Centre. 
Says  I,  "  You  understand,  Aunt  DoJly,  where  there  are  more 
people  there  is  more  wickedness.  Dr.  Slawter  says,  these 
talks  about  cities  are  not  to  be  taken  except  '  cum  grano  salis.' 
You  understand  that's  Latin,  Aunt  Dolly,  and  it  means  with 
the  salt,  as  Dr.  Slawter  explained  it  to  me :  and  you,  Aunt 
Dolly,  are  one  of  the  salts  of  the  earth." 

"I  am  afraid  you  will  get  sick,  Jefferson  ;  and  then  who 
will  fix  the  balm  tea  for  you,  and  make^your  gruel?  " 

"Nonsense!"  says  I,  interrupting,  "I  shall  not  be  sick. 
The  doctor  says  there  is  no  more  danger  there  than  here.  I 
shall  not  catch  any  of  the  city  diseases,  and  as  to  dying,  Aunt 
Dolly,  there  can't  be  no  more  people  die  than  are  born, 
though  I  read  in  the  paper  that  the  deaths  were  ten  and  a  half 
per  cent,  more  than  the  births,  in  one  place  ;  but  where  they 
found  the  half  death  I  don't  understand."  Says  I  to  Aunt 
Dolly,  u  Let  us  come  to  matters  more  important,  Aunt  Dolly. 
I  want  all  the  holes  in  my  footings  darned,  the  buttons  put  on 
my  shirts,  and  my  best  trousers  I  wore  to  the  party  all  fixed 
up,  Aunt  Dolly  ;  because  I  understand  the  members  of  the 
House  go  to  meeting  regularly  in  Boston.  I  must  have  my 
best  clothes  in  good  order." 

Aunt  Dolly  was  in  dreadful  low  spirits  about  my  going  to  Bos 
ton;  to  tell  the  truth,  I  did  feel  a  little  down  at  the  heel  too ;  but 
I  rose  up  again,  as  I  was  spoken  to  by  my  fellow-townsmen,  who 
almost  all  of  them  wanted  me  to  do  something  for  them  when 
I  went  to  the  General  Court.  Mr.  Spring  called  upon  me 
one  day,  when  I  was  in  the  midst  of  my  studies.  He  said 
anything  he  could  do  to  assist  me  he  would  do  ;  he  offered  to 
lend  me  some  of  his  speeches  I  thought  if  I  knew  which  one 
he  "won  his  spurs"  with,  I  should  like  to  study  on  that; 


198  LIFE    OF 

but,  you  understand,  I  thanked  him,  and  told  him  if  I  had 
time  to  read  them,  I  should  be  sure  to  call  upon  him. 

I  worked  sharp,  but,  as  my  father  remarked,  it  was  hard 
work  "  to  teach  old  dogs  new  tricks."  and  for  a  man  of  my 
age  to  begin  to  go  to  school  again  was  rather  tough.  I  had 
the  school-master  every  day,  and  I  spoke  a  piece  to  him  and 
answered  questions.  He  was  a  good  school-master :  he  used 
to  keep  me  up  to  the  mark  pretty  well  by  telling  me  of  some 
old  fellows,  who  got  to  be  famous  for  one  thing  and  another, 
who  did  not  begin  to  read  until  after  they  were  fifty  years  old ; 
some  of  them  their  wives  taught  their  alphabet.  He  kind 
of  hinted  that  if  I  had  a  wife  it  would  help  matters.  He 
said  as  ' '  eternal  vigilance  was  the  price  of  liberty, ' '  so  was 
eternal  work  necessary  to. a  man  in  public  office. 

I  thought,  on  the  whole,  speaking  the  speech  would  be  the 
easiest,  if  I  could  once  get  it  written  out,  and  put  into  my 
head.  The  object  with  me  at  this  time  was  not  so  much  to 
know,  as  to  have  my  constituents  and  the  Boston  members 
think  I  knew,  all  about  things ;  therefore,  you  understand,  my 
reader,  that  I  paid  the  most  attention  to  the  Demosthenic  part 
of  my  education.  I  took  every  opportunity  of  studying  the 
speech  and  practising  the  attitudes.  Whenever  I  went  to  the 
barn  I  would  begin  with,  "Mr.  Speaker."  I  used  to  speak 
to  the  cattle,  and  I  began  to  think  they  had  an  idea  of  a 
change  in  my  manner  of  addressing  them.  The  dogs  used  to 
follow  me  about;  our  yellow  and  white  bull-dog.  I  thought, 
looked  at  the  terrier  sometimes  as  if  they  were  estimating 
upon  what  this  new  language  of  mine  meant.  Then  I  had 
been  down  to  the  river  with  the  walnuts  in  my  mouth  instead 
of  stones,  two  or  three  times ;  but,  as  the  river  was  frozen  over, 
I  suppose  I  did  not  improve  as  much  as  if  it  had  been  summer 
time.  I  did  not  see  any  difference  between  that  and  the  barn 
exercise.  I  could  not  remember  the  piece  any  longer,  at  any 
rate.  I  asked  the  school-master  what  Demosthenes'  idea  prob- 


JEFFERSON  S.    1) ATKINS.  199 

ably  was  in  putting  the  stones  into  his  mouth  and  going  to  the 
sea-shore.  lie  said  that,  as  to  the  stones,  I  had  better  ask 
Dr.  Slawter,  but  as  to  the  sea  it  was  supposed  that  as"  he  de 
sired  to  speak  in  the  open  air  to  great  crowds,  he  would  prac 
tise  until  his  voice  could  be  heard  above  the  roar  of  the  water 
rolling  on  the  beach.  I  then  saw,  if  that  was  so,  why  I  did 
not  do  any  better  at  the  river  when  it  was  frozen. 

I  inferred  by  this,  that  Demosthenes  was  a  stump  speaker  ; 
so  it  seemed  that  in  Rome  and  Greece  they  did  things  pretty 
much  as  they  do  in  America. 

Mr.  Birch  said  I  must  not  make  such  a  mistake  as  that.  It 
was  Cicero  that  spoke  in  Rome,  and  Demosthenes  to  the 
Greeks.  I  asked  him  if  he  was  the  man  that  said :  — 

"  When  Greek  meets  Greek  then  comes  the  tug  of  war." 

He  said  he  thought  not.  There  was  no  such  saying  then. 
But  I  had  really  the  speech  disorder.  I  had  speech  on  the 
brain. 

I  worked  along  this  way,  until  two  days  before  the  time  I 
was  to  take  my  departure.  I  tried  on  my  best  suit,  had  my 
overcoat  and  my  umbrella  mended,  my  high-crowned  hat  ironed 
smooth,  my  shoes  half-soled  and  heeled ;  for  I  did  not  intend  to 
spend  any  more  out  of  my  two  dollars  and  half  "per  diem" 
in  Boston  than  I  could  help.  I  had  my  father's  old  travelling- 
bag  new  strapped,  and  got  Drystone  to  paint  on  it,  "J.  S. 
Batkins,  Cranberry  Centre,"  in  large,  white  letters. 

I  made  some  calls  among  the  neighbors,  including  a  visit  to 
Feathergilt's  villa,  where  the  principal  people  of  Cranberry  Cen 
tre  had  congregated.  In  compliance  with  the  then  prevailing  idea 
liquors  and  wines  were  not  introduced.  We  had  cake  and  tea, 
the  feast  being  intellectual.  Whether  or  not  it  was  the  absence 
of  the  inspiring  beverage,  or  whether  it  was  that  my  mind  was 
so  much  occupied  with  public  matters,  you  understand,  I 
thought  it  was  about  as  stupid  a  party  as  I  ever  attended. 


200  LU'K    <>!< 

Miss  Featbergilt,  now  grown  a  little  older,  to  my  vision 
looked  less  like  a  rat  than  at  our  first  meeting.  She  had 
grown  nfucli  stouter.  •  She  hoped  I  should  have  a  pleasant 
time,  and  should  be  happy  to  hear  from  me.  She  had  friends 
in  Boston,  and  should  probably  make  a  visit  to  that  city  dur 
ing  the  winter,  and  hoped  to  have  the  pleasure  of  hearing  my 
speech,  which  I  had  informed  her,  you  understand,  that  I  had 
been  some  time  preparing. 

I  think  I  used  to  feel  more  at  home  talking  with  Miss 
Feathergilt  than  any  other  lady  of  my  acquaintance,  with  the 
exception  of  Aunt  Dolly,  and  some  of  the  old  ladies  at  the 
poor-farm,  I  had  had  more  conversations  with  her  than  any 
other  woman.  I  rather  got  to  liking  to  talk  with  her,  you  un 
derstand,  since  she  read  "  Charlotte  Temple,''  and  li  Eliza 
AYharton  "  to  me,  and  listened  to  my  ideas  of  "  Robinson  Cru 
soe."  Just  at  this  time,  if  I  had  been  obliged  to  be  married, 
I  am  not  sure  that  I  would  not  have  been  satisfied  to  perform 
rny  share  of  the  nuptial  ceremony  with  Miss  Feathergilt.  I 
don't  think  I  was  in  love  with  her  as  young  folks  talk  these 
things,  because  both  of  us  were  too  old  for  such  kind  of  non 
sense  ;  but  I  confess  I  did  not  feel  sorry  when  she  used  to  come 
to  the  homestead,  though  Aunt  Dolly  insisted,  you  understand, 
that  she  had  a  design  upon  me,  or,  in  other  words  she  was 
courting  me  ;  and  that  reminds  me  of  one  objection  made  to 
nie  by  one  of  Drystone's  stump  speakers,  who  said  I  was  a 
bachelor,  and  he  did  not  think  it  was  for  the  moral  good  of  the 
community.,  that  any  man  should  hold  a  public  office,  who  had 
not  agreed  lawfully  to  provide  for  at  least  one  woman. 

I  am  not  afraid  to  say  it  now,  but  if  my  election  had  depended 
upon  my  getting  married,  I  think  I  should  have  done  it,  and 
Miss  Feathergilt  being  willing,  you  understand,  as  I  think 
she  would  have  been,  we  should  now  perhaps  be  just  starting, 
so  as  to  pass  our  honeymoon  in  the  great  city.  It  did  not 
happen,  however,  and  I  was  just  bidding  her  good-by  in 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  201 

her  single  condition,  after  which  I  walked  to  the  homestead  to 
continue  my  preparations. 

I  had  an  old  friend  in  Boston  who  was  pretty  well-to-do, 
and  when  he  was  on  a  visit  to  Cranberry  Centre,  he  invited 
me,  if  I  ever  came  to  Boston,  to  come  to  his  house.  To  be 
sure,  he  did  not  think  at  that  time,  you  perceive,  that  I  should 
ever  be  a  member  of  the  General  Court.  I  thought  it  would 
be  cheaper  and  better  than  going  to  a  Boston  tavern  ;  so  I 
wrote  to  him,  and  looking  at  the  Almanac,  I  find  it 
was  in  December,  1851.  I  do  not  put  this  letter  into  my 
life,  as  there  has  been  some  dispute  about  a  letter  in  which  it 
is  averred  I  made  some  unguarded  allusion  to  a  lady  of  my 
acquaintance,  you  understand,  in  early  life.  If  I  change  my 
mind  in  this  respect,  I  will  put  the  letter  in  the  appendix  at 
the  end  of  the  book.  I  am  equally  guarded,  you  understand, 
in  respect  of  some  letters  which  have  been  sent  to  me,  and  if 
necessary  they  will  be  referred  to  the  same  committee.  — Bless 
me  !  how  the  old  idea  comes  to  me  !  —  I  mean  the  same  ap 
pendix  to  my  book. 

The  next  morning  I  put  the  letter  in  the  post-office.  Mrs. 
Bacon  met  me,  and  she  said,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  when  are  you 
going  to  Boston  ?  " 

I  said,  "  Next  Monday." 

"  Well,"  said  she,  "  Abby's  going  to  Boston  to  see  her 
aunt ;  and  if  she  is  ready,  will  you  see  her  safely  there  ?  She 
has  never  been  to  Boston,  and  perhaps  while  you  are  there  you 
will  give  her  good  advice." 

I  told  Mrs.  Bacon  that  I  would  do  anything  in  my  power 
for  Abby,  and  if  she  was  at  the  depot  for  the  first  train  I 
would  see  that  she  was  comfortable  on  the  road ;  and  if  she 
did  not  get  ready,  to  write  me  what  train  she  would  come  on, 
and  I  would  meet  her  at  the  Boston  depot  and  go  to  her  aunt's 
with  her. 


202  LIFE    OF 

She  said  she  supposed  I  should  go  to  the  Tremont  Tavern, 
and  if  Abby  missed  me,  she  could  find  me  there. 

I  told  her  I  should  not  go  to  the  Tremont  Tavern.  I 
gave  her  the  address  of  my  friend  in  Boston  where  I  should 
board,  and  told  her  to  send  Abby  there  for  me,  or  to  the  State 
House,  and  inquire  for  me,  —  that  is,  for  Mr.  Batkins,  you 
understand. 

Mrs.  Bacon  thanked  me,  and  said  she  hoped  I  would  have  a 
pleasant  time. 

Without  any  explanation  some  people,  in  view  of  all  the 
circumstances,  might  think  that  I  was  demeaning  myself,  — a 
member  of  the  General  Court,  —  to  be  interested  in  Mrs. 
Bacon's  daughter.  I  have  to  say  it  was  simply  a  friendly  act 
of  good-natured  willingness  to  do  good  on  my  part.  Abby 
Bacon  was  a  nice,  pretty  girl ;  and  this  simple  act  of  good 
nature,  as  it  will  be  seen  hereafter,  cost  me  something  in  money, 
you  understand,  and  came  near  to  ruining  my  reputation. 

Mr.  Bean  gave  me  a  few  hints  as  to  some  matters  in  which 
he  was  interested  in  Boston.  I  did  not  know  what  to  think 
of  him.  I  could  never  see  through  his  schemes.  I  only  knew 
he  had  none  of  the  sneak  tricks  in  trade.  When  he  was  in 
my  store  he  was  opposed  to  a  great  many  of  the  customs  of 
shop-keepers,  who  desired  to  be  considered  honest  men  and 
fair  dealers.  He  would  never  sell  sand  for  sugar,  —  it  was 
said  Deacon  Smoothe  did,  —  nor  meal  for  ginger,  nor  mix 
flour  with  mustard.  With  him  coffee  was  coffee,  pepper  was 
pepper.  His  great  genius  was  in  finance.  Bean  was  a  mas 
ter  at  screwing  up  of  figures  on  paper,  and  other  of  the  fine 
iwistings  of  the  art  of  money-making,  and  competent  to  be  the 
president  of  a  financial  college.  The  singular  success  that 
attended  his  operations  was  the  result  of  circumstances,  not 
comprehended  at  this  time,  but  were  developed  by  years  of 
further  practices,  of  which  my  reader,  in  due  time,  shall  be 
informed. 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  203 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

MY    DEPARTURE    AND    ARRIVAL    IN    BOSTON. 

WHEN  I  left  the  homestead,  with  my  travelling  equipage,  I 
experienced,  I  dare  say,  somewhat  similar  sensations  to  those 
of  the  early  friend  of  my  youth,  "  Robinson  Crusoe,"  when 
he  left  home  to  seek  his  fortune.  Our  errands  were  as  unlike 
as  our  ages ;  he  a  youth,  I  in  a  forward  state  of  maturity, 
if  not  in  my  prime.  Years  are  artificial  divisions  of  time. 
Man's  life  has  been  divided  into  seven  ages  by  a  writer  of 
authority,  whenever  nature,  in  its  many  forms^  is  to  be  dis 
cussed.  This  writer  gives,  according  to  scriptural  limit  of  the 
life  of  man,  ten  years  in  each  age,  making  the  understood 
right  of  life  threescore  years  and  ten.  Many  live  beyond 
this  term ;  a  greater  number  never  reach  it ;  the  doctors 
give  their  reasons. 

It  is  not  then  the  years  a  man  has  existed  that  should  be  the 
criterion  of  his  condition  mentally  or  physically.  It  is  the 
question  of  original  condition  and  after-development. 

I  was  leaving  my  native  town,  for  the  first  time,  to  go  to 
live  in  a  new  country,  that  country,  Boston,  — Boston,  that 
I  had  heard  of  all  my  life ;  Boston  that  I  had  read  of  in  the 
newspapers ;  Boston,  the  home  of  the  wealthy,  the  learned, 
the  "  commercial  emporium  "  of  New  England ;  Boston,  famous 
in  the  days  of  the  Revolution,  remembered  in  the  annals  of 
the  past,  filled  with  churches  and  schools,  and  yet  said  to  be  the 
wickedest  city  of  the  East ;  and  to  this  combination  of  quick 
sands  and  whirlpools  I,  Jefferson  S.  Batkins,  was  about  to 
commit  myself,  to  be  a  sojourner,  a  dweller,  a^ traveller  in  its 
streets. 


204  LIFE    OF 

Such  were  my  thoughts,  as  I  stood  upon  the  platform  of 
the  depot  and  cast  my  eyes  about  me ;  and  this,  I  said,  in 
wardly,  is  Cranberry  Centre.  The  loud  ringing  of  the  bell 
of  the  engine  started  those  people  from  their  seats  around  the 
stove  in  the  station-house  who  were  bound  east  on  this  train. 
Abby  Bacon  had  not  come ;  the  representative  from  Leaden- 
ville  was  going  to  Boston,  and  others  of  my  acquaintance 
wore  bound  to  different  places  on  the  line  of  this  famous  rail 
road,  the  advent  of  which  had  made  such  a  ferment  in  the 
town  as  to  cause  that  "  indignation  meeting,"  now  almost  for 
gotten,  and  probably  rescued  from  oblivion  and  preserved  only 
in  this  record  of  my  life,  in  a  tangible  form  for  reference. 

The  train  stopped ;  we  entered  a  car  ;  again  the  bell  rung, 
and  away  we  flew,  the  rattling  wheels  over  the  iron  rail  testify 
ing  to  a  rate  of  speed  greater  than  ever  I  had  moved  before. 
Amid  the  confusion  my  mind  was  in,  as  trees,  houses,  bridges, 
and  other  objects  were  passed,  Mr.  Speaker  occasionally 
obtruded,  and  Cicero  and  Demosthenes  were  mixed  up  with 
the  modern  names  of  those  I  was  to  be  associated  with  in  the 
Capitol,  which  I  was  told  was  near  the  Common,  —  a  part  of 
the  city  familiar  to  everybody  in  the  town. 

My  imagination,  never  of  a  kind  that  had  lifted  me  much 
above  my  station  in  life,  was  a  little  more  active  than  usual. 
I  could  not  help  contrasting,  however,  my  father's  description 
of  a  journey  to  Boston,  in  his  day,  as  he  termed  it,  with  the 
conveyance  now  furnished  by  those  much-abused  corporations 
that  build  railroads  for  public  accommodation,  with  no  expec 
tation  of  profit  to  themselves.  Then,  the  journey  in  summer 
was  made  by  long-winded  stages  for  passengers,  and  slow 
wagons  with  produce  for  the  city  supply,  and  return  load  of 
dry  goods  and  groceries  for  the  country.  In  the  winter  this 
work  was  performed  by  old-fashion  pung  teams,  driven  by 
cider-drinking  farmers,  their  sons,  or  hired  men,  with  occa 
sionally  a  female  traveller  returning  from  a  wedding,  thanks 
giving  ball,  or  other  rural  merrymaking. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  205 

I  was  as  pleased  as  a  boy  with  many  things  I  saw  on  the 
road.  Mental  activity  had  sharpened  up  my  appetite,  which 
had  not  been  too  good  since  I  had  been  in  preparation  for  the 
State  House.  Aunt  Dolly  had  provided  for  my  comfort. on 
the  road,  and  had  put  in  the  top  of  my  carpet-bag  some  pie  and 
cheese,  half-a-dozen  of  her  best  doughnuts,  and  some  tea  in  a 
small  bottle,  which  I  verily  believe,  when  I  drank  from  it,  my 
fellow-passengers  thought  was  ardent  spirits,  prepared  with 
molasses  for  the  occasion,  and  known  in  those  clays  as  black 
strap,  by  those  who  imbibed,  this  celebrated  New  England 
beverage.  I  partook  of  these  refreshments  with  a  display  of 
satisfaction  which  caused  a  smile,  I  observed,  at  my  independ 
ence,  from  some  of  our  well-dressed  companions  of  the  car. 

I  frequently  heard  my  name  whispered  around,  as  people 
came  into  the  cars.  The  member  from  Leadenville  spoke  it 
when  he  came  in.  He  was  seated  by  the  side  of  a  lady,  to 
whom  he  was  very  attentive ;  and  at  every  stopping-place  he 
seemed  to  have  acquaintance  with  the  passengers  taken  in. 
"  Batkins,"  "  Cranberry  Centre."  were  repeated  by  her  as 
often  as  her  new  friends  joined  in  the  conversation.  The 
ofterier  I  heard  my  name,  the  more  I  kept  silent,  pulling  up 
my  shirt-collar,  and  adjusting  my  bandanna  neckerchief, 
as  the  increase  of  blood  rushing  to  my  head,  in  consequence 
of  a  more  exalted  opinion  of  myself,  rendered  this  action  nec 
essary. 

When  we  started  it  was  a  cold  winter  day,  and  the  weather- 
wise  people  in  the  cars  discussed  the  probability  of  a  snow-storm ; 
and,  sure  enough,  it  was  soon  upon  us.  We  were  now  within 
a  few  miles  of  Boston.  People  were  picking  up  their  shawls 
and  overcoats,  pulling  out  their  portmanteaus  and  travelling- 
bags,  and  we  should  soon  be  scattered  at  the  Boston  terminus, 
each  to  go  his  way.  Looking  out  of  a  window  of  the  car,  rising 
above  what  appeared  to  be  a  wood  of  leafless  trees,  I  saw  the 
tops  of  houses,  and  one  high  above  them  all,  —  the  majestic 


206  LIFE    OF 

State  House,  with  its  top  looking  like  a  large  pumpkin  with 
one  end  cut  off,  and  standing  on  something  that  looked  like 
the  front  of  the  meeting-house  in  Cranberry  Centre.  I  knew 
the  building  by  a  picture  I  had  seen,  but,  to  be  sure,  I  asked 
a.  man  if  that  was  the  State  House,  where  the  General  Court 
met.  He  said  it  was,  and  added,  "It  will  soon  be  filled  by 
all  the  noodles  of  the  country,  who  come  here  once  a  year  de 
termined  to  destroy  the  interests  of  Boston."  I  thought  to 
myself  he  little  suspects  that  I  am  one  of  the  noodles. 

He  asked  me  if  I  came  from  the  country.     I  told  him  I  did. 

"What  town?" 

"  Cranberry  Centre,"  I  replied. 

"  Cranberry  Centre,"  said  he  ;  "I  never  heard  of  the  place. 
Some  one-horse-power  town,  I  suppose.  So  they  send  a  rep 
resentative  this  year?  " 

I  said,  "They  do." 

"Who  is  it?" 

"Mr.  Batkins,"  said  I.      "  J.  S.  Batkins." 

"Batkins?  I  never  heard  of  him.  What  kind  of  a  fellow 
is  he,  Whig  or  Democrat  ?  " 

"  Neither,"  said  I.  "He  was  elected  on  the  Honest  Men's 
and  Independent  ticket." 

"  Cranberry  Centre,"  said  he.  "  Is  not  that  the  town  Seth 
Spring  came  from?  " 

I  told  him  it  was. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "I  knew  Spring.  He  was  an  able  man. 
Is  this  Batkins  rich?" 

"No,  he  us  a  farmer,  pretty  well-to-do." 

"Married  man!  " 

"No;  a  bachelor." 

"  Do  you  know  him?  " 

"  Well,  yes.  I  am  somewhat  acquainted  with  him." 

"  What  is  his  given  name  ?  " 

"Jefferson." 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  207 

"  Well,  that  is  a  pretty  good  Democratic  name." 

I  was  lifting  up  my  travelling-bag,  when  he  saw  the  letters 
of  my  name.  Says  he,  "Are  you  Mr.  Batkins?"  I  told 
him  I  was.  He  said,  "  I  am  very  glad  to  make  your  acquaint 
ance  ;  here  is  my  card.  Come  and  see  me.  I  am  a  member 
of  the  House,  and  I  dare  say  we  shall  become  very  good  friends." 

We  were  now. going  into  the  depot.  He  bade  me  good- 
evening,  after  asking  me  where  I  was  going  to  put  up,  and  said 
he  would  call  and  see  me  in  the  morning.  I  followed  the  rest 
out  into  the  street,  and  there  were  carriages  and  wagons,  and  a 
great  crowd  of  people.  I  was  looking  for  the  State  House,  but  I 
could  not  see  it ;  it  was  snowing ;  so,  before  I  started,  I  thought 
I  would  ask  one  of  the  hack-drivers.  I  asked  one,  who  wanted 
to  know  if  I  did  not  want  to  ride,  if  he  knew  where  the  State 
House  was.  He  said  he  "didn't  know  anything  else." 

I  was  cautioned  against  being  put  upon  by  strangers,  so  I 
would  not  tell  him  exactly  where  I  was  going,  you  understand, 
and  I  said,  "  I  want  to  go  to  the  State  House;  from  there 
I  think  I  can  find  the  way.  I  am  going  myself  to  Mr.  Tre- 
mont's  Tavern;  that's  near  the  State  House,  I  think." 

He  said    it  was,  and   he   was    going   right   up   that  way. 

"Well,"  I  said,  "if  you  are  going  up  that  way  and  invite 
me  to' ride,  I  will  accept  your  invitation." 

He  took  my  travelling-bag,  and  showed  me  the  way  to  his 
cab,  as  he  called  it,  —  a  thing  on  two  wheels  with  a  door 
behind.  Says  I,  "Do  you  know  where  Mr.  Reuben  Wilson 
lives,  up  that  way?  " 

"  Yes,  he  is  expecting  you." 

"  Oh,  you  know  me  then?  " 

"  Yes,  of  course  I  do.     I  have  been  waiting  for  you." 

He  bundled  me  in,  jumped  on  and  drove  off,  bumping  me 
over  the  stones,  turning  round  corners  every  minute,  swearing 
at  the  rest  of  the  drivers,  till  at  last  he  stopped  at  a  nice- 
looking  house  near  the  meeting-house,  saying,  "  Here's  the 


208  LIFE    OF 

place,  sir."  I  walked  up  the  steps,  and  by  the  lantern  that  wag 
before  the  door  I  read,  on  a  large  brass  sign,  the  name  of  my 
friend.  Says  I,  "  Yes,  this  is  the  place  ;  give  me  my  bag." 

"  Fifty  cents,"  said  he,  —  "  fare." 

"Fifty  cents,"  said  I;  "no  such  thing.  I  didn't  agree  to 
give  you  any  fare.  You  invited  me  to  ride ;  said  you  came  on 
purpose  for  me.  Give  me  my  bag.  I  am  a  member  of  the 
General  Court." 

He  said  he  did  not  care  what  court  I  was  member  of  whether 
it  was  a  general  or  corporal.  He  should  keep  the  bag  till  I 
paid  him  his  fare.  I  pulled  at  the  bell-handle.  A  girl  came 
to  the  door.  I  asked  if  Mr.  Wilson  was  in.  She  said  he 
was.  Says  I,  "Tell  him  Mr.  Batkins  has  come  to  see  him." 
"  Walk  in,"  says  she.  So  I  took  hold  of  the  bag,  and  the  cab 
driver  followed  me  in,  saying  he  wanted  his  fare.  Mr.  Wil 
son  came  and  took  me  by  the  hand,  and  asked  what  was  the 
matter.  I  told  him.  He  laughed,  paid  the  driver  half  a 
dollar,  who  went  off,  saying  that  I  was  the  greenest  old  cuss 
he  ever  drove  from  a  railroad. 

I  took  off  my  great-coat  and  hat,  wiped  the  snow  off  my 
boots,  and  was  invited  into  the  sitting-room,  where  a  nice  fire 
was  blazing  in  the  grate.  He  introduced  me  to  his  daughter, 
whom  I  had  not  seen  since  she  was  a  little  child.  She  had 
grown  to  be  a  handsome  young  woman.  She  was  as  polite  to 
me  as  a  judge's  wife.  Then  he  introduced  me  to  another 
lady,  that  I  had  seen  at  Cranberry  Centre.  At  that  time  she 
was  a  good-looking  young  woman.  She  used  to  remind  me  of 
a  handsome  goose,  the  way  she  used  to  swing  her  head  round 
on  a  long  white  neck. 

I  still  adiiere  to  my  notion  of  people's  looking  like  animals 
and  birds  and  fishes.  I  think  that  bird,  the  goose,  has  a  hand 
some  way  of  stepping  as  well  as  swinging  her  head.  This 
lady  had  that  way  of  stepping,  too,  in  consequence,  I  suppose, 
of  not  having  very  long  logs.  I  think  this  lady  was  a  little 
more  goosey  in  her  stepping  out  than  when  I  first  saw  her,  for 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATK1X9,  209 

the  reason,  I  suppose,  of  her  growing  more  fat.  This  makes 
some  women  ineligible  for  a  number  of  pastimes,  —  such  as 
dancing,  horseback-riding,  and  going  upstairs. 

She  was  good-looking,  notwithstanding  her  increased  age 
and  size.  She  received  me  with  a  great  deal  of  politeness,  which 
I  returned  with  bows  and  a  smiling  countenance.  My  friend 
asked  me  if  I  would  not  have  some  refreshment.  I  thanked 
him,  and  consented  to  a  proposition  for  some  tea.  The  two 
ladies  —  the  daughter,  and  the  other,  I  believe,  the  aunt  — 
left  the  room,  and  we  sat  over  the  fire,  and  entered  into  con 
versation  as  to  matters  and  things,  and  old  recollections  of 
Cranberry  Centre. 

Mr.  W.ilson  married  his  wife  in  our  town,  but  had  made 
Boston  his  home  for  many  years,  and  was  considered  a  very 
worthy  citizen. 

My  friend  inquired  for  Seth  Spring.  I  told  him  Seth  was 
well,  that  we  were  on  good  terms ;  but  he  was  a  little  touched 
up  because  he  was  not  sent  to  the  General  Court.  "  At  one 
time  it  was  thought  he  might  run  from  Leaden  ville.  He  had 
property  there.  But  some  of  the  lawyers  in  the  back  part  of 
the  State  said  it  would  not  do  to  take  a  man  from'  another 
district,  as  he  was  not  supposed  to  represent  saw-mills,  but  his 
fellow-citizens.  So,  Wilson,  Seth  stays  at  home,  and  I  am 
the  member  from  Cranberry  Centre.  Say  you,  now,  you  never 
expected  to  see  me  here  in  Boston  in  that  capacity,  did  you?  " 

"Well,  Batkins,  no.  I  cannot  say  that  I  did.  I  thought 
you  was  rather  opposed  to  political  action.  By  the  way, 
you  are  not  married  yet?  " 

"  No,  I  am  not  married." 

"  If  I  recollect  rightly,"  said  he,  "  matrimony  was  not  one 
of  your  favorite  schemes." 

"No,   it  was  not,  no  more  than  politics;   but  I  tell  you, 
Wilson,  there  is  something  awful  catching  in  politics.     I  kept 
out  of  the  way  of  it,  some  time,  but  when  I  got  among  bffice- 
H 


210  LIFE    OP 

holders,  I  had  such  an  itching  to  be  one  too,  that  all  the 
scratching  of  friendly  admonition,  both  from  Aunt  Dolly  and 
other  Christian  well-wishers,  could  not  overcome  it." 

u  Do  you  come  with  instructions  from  your  constituents,  or 
are  you  left  to  follow  your  own  ideas  of  what  is  for  the  general 
good?" 

'  Well,  upon  some  points,  I  suppose  I  am  instructed,  and 
on  others,  I  am  left,  as  you  say,  to  act  "  pro  bono  publico," 
that  sounds  good,  don't  it?     You  did  not  expect  to  hear  me 
talk  Greek  and  Latin." 

"  Well,  we  often  hear  that  phrase;  it  is  about  as  common 
as  '  E  pluribus  unum.'  I  never  could  understand  why  that 
national  motto  or  the  legends  upon  State  shields  should  be  in 
dead  languages  ;  however,  we  have  much  to  learn  before  we  arc 
thoroughly  nationalized.  Upon  what  ticket  were  you  elected  ?  " 

;'  The  Honest  Men's  and  Independent  ticket." 

"A  third  party?  " 

t{  Yes,  a  third  party  ;  in  this  case  it  was  first,  number  one. 
Well,  my  instructions  from  some  of  our  folks  are  to  go  against 
anything  that  is  to  increase  the  power  of  Leadenville  and 
Beet  Borough,  and  I  got  a  letter  from  a  man,  I  will  not  tell 
you  his  name,  who  has  given  me  his  views,  and  a  letter  to  a 
lawyer  here  who  will  keep  me  posted  all  the  way  along." 

"A  responsible  position,  Mr.  Batkins,  you  assume." 

"  Yes,  I  am  aware  of  the  responsibility,  and  Mr.  Birch  and 
I  together  have  been  working  up  matters,  so  that  I  feel  better 
than  I  did  upon  the  responsibility. 

"  By  the  way,  Wilson,  there's  one  thing  I  want  to  ask  you 
about  before  I  forget  it.  We  are  old  friends,  and  anything  I 
say  to  you,  of  course  will  not  get  out.  I  am  to  use  my  dis 
cretion  on  the  liquor  law  ;  but  until  things  are  fixed,  I  am 
always  to  vote  against  anything  the  Boston  members  favor  ; 
then  our  folks  say  I  am  sure  to  be  right."  I  took  out  of  my 
pocket  the  letter  which  I  had  not  time  to  ask  Birch  about, 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  211 

and  showed' it  to  Wilson.  Says  I,  "  There  is  a  word,  I  can't 
tell  how  to  speak  it,  and,  to  tell  the  truth,  Wilson.  I  don't 
exactly  know  what  it  means,  though  I  heard  it  used  by  Seth 
Spring  in  our  town-meetings,  and  in  the  bank  days.  There 
it  is :  '  There  is  a  C-L-I-Q-U-E  at  work  always.'  How  does  that 
go,  when  you  want  to  talk  it  in  a  speech  ?  Kleenk,  aint 
it?" 

''No,  Batkins,  clique." 

"Yes,  kleenk,  that  always  vote  together;  now  I  am  to 
attack  that  Boston  kleenk,  on  all  occasions." 

"  Yes,  Batkins,  that  clique,  as  your  friend  calls  it,  is  no 
common  organization.  You  will  find  some  of  our  ablest  men 
associated  together  to  resist  unwise  legislation.  It  would  not 
always  be  safe  for  you,  Batkins,  until  you  have  more  expe 
rience  in  such  matters  to  attack  them." 

"  I  suppose  not ;  some  real  gritty  fellows,"  said  I ;  "  take  the 
hair  right  off  your  head  to  hear  some  of  them,  I  suppose.  It 
would  be  a  little  safe  at  first  to  be  on  their  side." 

"What!  on  the  side  of  the  clique,  Batkins,  that  you  are 
sent  here  to  oppose  ?  " 

"  That's  a  fact,  Wilson,  and  I  begin  to  think  already  that  this 
politics  is  a  kind  of  trade,  and  to  make  much  out  of  it  a  fellow 
has  to  serve  his  time  at  it." 

"Well,  my  friend,"  said  Wilson,  laughing,  "you  are  not 
the  first  man  who  has  come  from  the  country  with  pretty 
well-established  opinions,  that  has  gone  home  very  much 
changed  in  his  views  as  to  the  Boston  members." 

"  I  have  a  speech,  —  between  ourselves,  — all  written  out, 
and  I  have  spoken  it  a  great  many  times." 

"  That  may  be  good  practice  to  get  you  in  the  way  of 
addressing  audiences,  but  I  cannot  well  understand  how  you 
can  write  a  speech  before  you  have  decided  the  question  upon 
which  side  you  are  to  speak." 

"Well,  the  idea  is  that  I  go  against  kleenks :   but  gener- 


212  LIFK    OF 

ally  I  am  liberal  in  my  sentiments.  Then  I  want  the  people 
to  think  that  I  am  acquainted  with  history,  and  such  like  ; 
so  I  touch  on  America,  industry,  Russia,  Bonaparte,  the 
Revolution,  the  Constitution,  the  rights  of  the  majority,  free 
dom,  Great  Britain  and  Ireland ;  a  little  slanting  touch  on 
rum  and  temperance,  and  other  prevailing  topics." 

"  Well,"  said  Wilson,  "  I  should  like  to  hear  it;  it  appears 
to  be  a  good  mixture,  but,  like  some  of  the  doctors'  mixtures, 
until  taken  you  can't  always  tell  the  way  they  work.  When 
you  speak,  Batkins,  I  must  try  and  go  up  to  the  House,  and 
hear  you." 

"Of  course.  You  know,  Wilson,  I  don't  pretend  I  wrote 
it  all  myself.  Some  of  it  is  from  Demosthenes,  some  from 
Cicero,  some  from  the  '  Farmers'  Almanac  ;  '  here  and  there  a 
bit  from  Daniel  Webster's  speeches,  a  little  altered  and  im 
proved  ;  some  from  the  newspapers,  —  whenever  I  saw  any 
thing  that  appeared  to  be  of  my  way  of  thinking,  I  put  it  in." 

"Batkins.  you  are  naturally  of  an  eclectic  turn,  and  you 
are  not  alone.  Many  legislators  have  the  same  cultivated 
faculty,  and  upon  its  exercise  secure  a  good  reputation.  I 
shall  be  curious  to  hear  your  Mosaic  speech." 

Mosaic  and  eclectic,  says  I  to  myself.  I  wonder  what  they 
moan;  but  at  this  time  I  thought  I  would  not  ask  Wilson; 
so  says  I,  "  Wilson,  wouldn't  you  like  now  just  to  hear  a 
little  of  my  speech  ?  " 

I  took  out  the  speech  ;  it  was  tied  up  in  a  piece  of  brown 
paper,  and  my  name  written  on  the  outside,  in  case  I  should 
drop  it  anywhere.  Wilson  said  while  the  women-folks  were 
getting  my  supper  he  would  be  pleased  to  hear  it ;  so  .1  un 
rolled  it.  Says  I,  I  begin  in  this  way:  "  Mr.  Speaker,  when 
I  arose  to  answer  a  question,  I  did  not  intend  to  make  a 
speech." 

"Well,  but  Batkins,  if  you  rise  with  the  manuscript  in 
your  hands,  how  can  you  say  that?  " 

"  I  don't  intend  to  show  the  written  speech.     I  intend  to 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  213 

have  it  between  two  newspapers.  0  Wilson,  I  know  enough 
for  that !  I  have  seen  the  minister  put  his  sermon  between  the 
Bible  leaves  on  the  same  account." 

If  my  reader  has  a  good  memory,  he  will  see  where  the 
beginning  of  my  speech  came  from:  "  Mr.  Speaker,  we  are 
upon  the  eve  of  great  events.  Sometimes  when  the  serenity 
of  the  cerulean  arch  above  our  heads  is  undisturbed  by  a 
cloud,  suddenly  a  speck  appears  no  larger  than  my  hand,  and 
in  that  speck  there  lurk  the  whirlwind  and  the  hurricane, 
the  tornado  and  the  devastating  tempest."  I  stopped  to  hear 
what  Wilson  .would  say.  He  said  nothing,  you  understand 
I  told  him  it  went  on  this  way  some  time,  until  I  began,  to 
answer  the  objections  of  the  other  side-to  my  side. 

Wilson  said  then,  "I  suppose  you  are  replying  to  one  of 
the  clique." 

"Yes,  just  as  likely  as  not  it  will  be  one  of  those  smart 
ones,  and  here's  what.  I  say."  I  now  rose  from  my  chair. 
Says  I,  "Mr.  Speaker,  if  the  gentleman  who  has  won  his 
spurs  in  this  debate,  and  with  these  spurs  intends  to  ride  over 
the  old  war-horses  from  the  country,  sir,  the  law-abiding 
Christian  representatives  of  the  rural  districts,  without  saddle 
or'bridle,  Mr.  Speaker,  then  I  say  to  him  that  we  of  the  rural 
districts  have  seen  the-  spurs  taken  from  many  a  presumptuous 
rooster,  whose  business  was  to  go  about  the  farm  pillaging,  — 
pillaging,  Mr.  Speaker,  without  in  any  way  contributing  to 
the  increase  of  chickens,  or  in  any  way  using  his  faculties  for 
the  public  good.  If  the  gentleman  uses  his  spurs  here,  I  sug 
gest  to  him  that  there  are  those  who  will  unstrap  them,  batter 
their  points,  and  Cranberry  Centre  will  sustain  the  act,  if  it 
should  be  done  by  a  member  who  represents  a  different  con 
stituency." 

I  stopped  again.  Wilson  was  listening  ;  he  arose  to  poke 
the  fire  a  little,  to  put  up  a  burned .  stick  or  something, 
although,  I  confess,  you  understand,  that  I  thought  he  was 


214  LIFE    OF 

laughing  a  little  at  what  the  school-master  thought  was  a  good 
joke  about  the  spurs.  As  he  did  not  speak,  I  thought  I  would 
say  something  ;  sol  said,  "Wilson,  now  tell  the  truth.  Is 
there  anything  very  bad  in  the  speech?  '"' 

"Well.  Batkins.  I  do  not  know.  WThat  your  speech  is 
driving  at,  I  cannot  tell.  I  have  heard  much  of  the  same 
sort,  and  they  print  it  in  the  newspapers.  Still,  I  think  I 
must  reserve  my  opinion  until  I  hear  you  at  the  State  House/' 

The  young  lady  came  in  to  say  that  supper  was  ready ;  so 
I  put  up  my  speech,  you  understand,  and  with  Wilson  ad 
journed  to  the  supper  room.  There,  at  the  head  of  a  neatly 
set  table,  was  sitting  the  other  lady,  who,  now  that  she  was 
seated,  did  not  appear- to  be  so  portly.  She  was  one  of  those 
kind  that  stand  low  and  sit  high  ;  that  you  think  are  short 
when  standing,  and  tall  when  sitting,  —  as  I  have  mentioned 
in  another  case. 

We  had  a  very  pleasant  time  at  the  table.  At  this  late  day 
it  would  be  no  advantage  to  anybody  to  recite  the  articles  upon 
the  table,  or  the  manner  of  the  cooking.  I  was  satisfied  in  my 
mind  that  this  department  of  house-keeping  was  well  managed, 
and  after  the  experience  I  had  had  of  Aunt  Dolly's  skill  in  the 
culinary  art,  you  understand,  I  think  my  judgment  was  worth 
something.  After  supper  we  talked  a  little  of  the  news  of  the 
day.  As  it  was  a  stormy  night,  I  remained  in  the  house.  My 
friend  Wilson  said  he  should  be  pleased  to  show  me  a  little  of 
Boston  by  gas-light,  but  would  take  some  other  opportunity. 

I  retired  to  the  chamber  appointed  for  me,  after  receiving 
a  hearty  invitation  to  make  myself  at  home  while  I  remained, 
and  wrote  up  my  journal  to  that  date,  and  begun  a  letter  to 
my  father.  Feeling  a  little  fatigued,  I  blew  out  the  gas-light 
and  retired  to  my  bed,  —  when  I  soon  discovered  the  mistake 
I  had  made,  by  the  smell  in  the  room,  and  rose  up  precipi 
tately,  and  after  a  little  while  occupied  in  the  dark  in  finding 
the  stopcock,  shut  off  the  offensive  gas}  and  prepared  to  pre- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  215 

cipitate  myself  again  into  the  bed.  I  wish  it  to  be  understood 
here  that  I  was  not  entirely  ignorant  of  gas-light  machinery. 
The  candlestick,  or  whatever  it  was,  was  on  a  table,  not  fast 
ened  to  the*  wall,  or  I  should  not  have  made  this  mistake ; 
others  have  done  the  same  thing,  no  doubt ;  but  being  in  a 
strange  house,  eating  a  hearty  supper,  thinking  over  my 
speech  and  the  prospects  of  the  morrow,  confused  me,  and  I 
pursued  my  old  habit  at  home  of  blowing  out  instead  of  shut 
ting  off.  It  was  not  a  serious  blunder,  nor  the  only  one  I 
made  during  my  sojourn  in  Boston  city. 


216  LTFE    OF 


CHAPTER   XXV. 

MY    FIRST    VISIT   TO    THE    STATE    HOUSE. 

I  WAS  up  early  in  the  morning.  The  snow-storm  had  not 
been  a  very  extensive  effort  of  nature.  It  was  sufficient  to 
whiten  the  ground,  and  to  give  a  wintry  look  to  the  houses 
in  the  neighborhood.  I  saw  some  fine-looking  buildings.  In 
quiring  the  way,  I  soon  found  myself  in  State  Street,  and  the 
signs  reminded  me  of  an  old  riddle  or  conundrum  that  I  read  in 
the  almanac :  "  Why  is  State  Street  like  a  river?  Because 
there  are  banks  on  both  sides  of  it."  And  now  I  had  seen 
this  river  through  which  I  supposed  there  was  always  running 
a  stream  of  money.  I  noticed  the  old  State  House.  I  re 
membered  that,  from  its  being  in  the  middle  of  the  street,  — 
as  I  saw  it  in  a  picture  of  the  Boston  massacre.  Then  I  saw 
a  building  they  told  me  was  City  Hall.  I  walked  up  a  street 
by  the  Tremont  Tavern,  and  then  I  was  in  front  of  the  new 
State  House.  The  emotion  I  had  at  my  first  glance  of  the 
whole  of  this  edifice  I  will  not  undertake  to  describe.  I  took 
a  good  survey  of  the  premises,  thinking  with  delight  that  I 
should,  before  the  sun  set,  stand  in  the  hall  where  so  many  of 
my  illustrious  predecessors  had  been  before  me.  I  was  satis 
fied  with  what  I  had  seen  of  Boston,  and  returned  to  my 
friend  Wilson's,  where  I  enjoyed  a  hearty  breakfast.  I  was 
to  go  and  draw  for  my  seat,  — that  was  to  be  my  first  official 
act,  as  I  was  informed.  The  postman  brought  me  a  letter. 
I  opened  it.  It  was  from  Abby's  mother,  about  Abby,  and 
read  as  follows  :  — 


JEVfrKRSOV    S.     7MrA7/V.<?.  217 

"January,  1852. 
''Squire  Batkirs,  ropresentive  of  cranbery  centre  to  ginral  cort  —  Stait  IIus  — 

"  MISTER  B ATKINS,  DEER  SUR: — I  tak  me  pen  in  hand  to  inform  yu,  that  Abby  is 
sik  and  she  cudn't  cum  as  agreed  upon  wich  wen  this  cums  yu  will  no.  she  will 
cum  in  larst  trano  to-morror,  or  nox  da,  or  nex  week.  If  yu  will  meet  her  and 
go  with  her  tu  her  aunt's,  wich  she  will  tell  you  were  she  lives,  yu  wil  much 
oblego  .  your  huinbil  servint, 

"  PATSEBA  BACOX. 

"P.  S.  hur  aunt  kepes  a  boarclin'-IIus,  and  iseturs  and  such  refreshings  at  the 
north  end.  she  wil  cum  a  cros  to  Mane  rail  rode  depot." 

After  reading  this  letter  from  the  good  old  lady,  I  went  to 
my  room,  and  begun,  as  was  my  custom,  to  read  over  my  speech. 
Being  in  a  strange  house,  I  did  not  want  to  speak  it  out  loud, 
though  I  should  have  liked  to  have  done  so.  I  laid  it  down 
upon  the  table,  and  went  through  the  motions,  not  forgetting 
to  work  out  what  Mr.  Birch  called  the  emphatic  words.  I 
asked  Mr.  Wilson,  after  I  went  down,  if  he  would  go  up  to 
the  State  House  with  me.  He  said  he  would,  whenever  I  was 
ready.  We  sat  down  a  little  longer,  when  all  at  once  I 
remembered  that  I  had  not  finished  my  letter  to  my  father.  I 
spoke  to  Wilson  about  it.  He  said  I  could  write  it  at  the 
State  House  ;  there  was  plenty  of  pens  and  ink,  and  paper, 
and  if  I  was  particular  about  the  seat  I  was  going  to  draw,  I 
had  better  be  in  good  time.  He  would  go  up  to  the  State 
House  with  me,  leave  me  to  arrange  matters,  "and  then, 
Batkins."  says  he,  u  you  can  come  home  when  you  please. 
Our  dinner  hour  is  two  o'clock." 

I  took  a  look  into  the  glass  over  the  chimney-mantel,  to  see 
if  my  hair  was  all  fixed  right.  I  don't  think  that  I  have 
mentioned  the  way  I  had  of  smoothing  my  hair  a  little  over 
my  forehead.  I  was  a  little  bald  ;  so  I  found  some  difficulty 
in  keeping  my  thin  locks  from  falling  over  my  ears.  As  I 
was  starting  I  followed  my  usual  habit  and  straightened  it  in 
the  right  way. 

Another  thing  I  have  omitted  to  state,  —  the  color  of  my 
hair  and  eyes.  Well,  it  was  always  considered  that  I  took 


218  LTFB    OF      • 

them  from  my  father.  Aunt  Dolly  said  I  was  all  Batking, 
but  my  hands  and  feet,  and  them  was  all  Withaspoon.  —  the 
name  my  mother  was  born  with  before  it  was  changed,  as  has 
been  related,  to  Batkins.  People  who  have  thus  far  read  my 
life  ought  to  be  able  to  judge  as  to  the  color  of  my  eyes  and  hair 
by  my  temperament  ahd  actions,  as  they  have  seen  them  under 
different  circumstances.  Dr.  Slawter  said  I  had  no  very 
marked  temperament,  but  that  I  was  a  little  of  all  combined* 
That's  what  a  phrenologist  told  me  once  about  my  bumps. 
He  said  if  I  had  strong  ones  on  -one  side,  they  were  offset  by 
strong  ones  on  the  other,  so  that  I  had  a  pretty  well-balanced 
head ;  and  that's  the  case  with  my  temperament.  However, 
the  question  of  Batkins  and  Withaspoon  blood  settled  as  may 
be  hereafter,  the  size  of  my  boots  and  gloves  determined  by 
actual  measurement  as  they  may  be,  my  bumps  and  tempera 
ments  scientifically  arranged  as  they  may  be,  —  I  was  now 
ready  to  go  with  my  friend  to  the  State  House,  to  be  perhaps 
introduced  to  some  of  Boston's  ablest  sons,  and  to  make  that 
first  move  that  should  write  the  name  of  Batkins  on  the 
archives  of  the  Commonwealth.  As  we  passed  along  we  no 
ticed  several  individuals,  who,  Wilson  said,  were  country 
members.  They  were  travelling  the  same  way  we  were ;  he 
said,  bound  for  the  State  House.  I  asked  him  how  he  could 
tell  the  country  members  from  any  others. 

"Batkins.  there  is  a  different  style  of  appearance  as 
well  as  manner.  They  have  the  characteristics  of  persons 
not  at  home.  There  is  more  uncertainty  in  their  step 
upon  the  bare  stones  of  the  street  and  the  sidewalks ; 
some  of  them  have  an  anxious  expression,  as  if  the  importance 
of  their  situation  was  fully  comprehended,  and  in  some  cases 
there  is  a  development  of  suspicious  caution  in  their  move 
ments,  and  quick  glance,  as  if  they  were  in  constant  expecta 
tion  of  being  cheated  in  some  way.  They  appear  to  be 
always  buttoning  up  their  coats  instinctively,  as  if  they  were 
surrounded  by  pickpockets." 


JEFFERSON  S.    R ATKINS.  219 

I  stopped  him.  "  Wilson,  you  are  joking.  Do  I  appear 
so  ?  If  you  did  not  know  me,  now,  would  you  take  me  for 
a  country  member?  " 

Wilson  gave  me  a  look  from  head  to  foot.  "  Well,  yes, 
Batkiris,  I  think  I  should  if  I  met  you  in  the  neighborhood  of 
the  State  House." 

That's  just  where  we  were  at  that  time.  I  was  looking 
up  at  the  great  dome,  and  thinking  it  would  not  be  long  before 
I  should  be  under  it.  I  inspected  some  of  the  country  members  a 
little  more  closely  as  they  were  going  in,  and  I  think,  on  the 
whole,  Wilson  was  right  about  it.  There  was  a  difference  be 
tween  them  and  the  slicked-up  Boston  legislators,  who  appeared 
to  be  always  at  home  everywhere ;  and  the  longer  I  was 
among  them .  the  more  convinced  I  was  of  the  correctness  of 
this  opinion,  you  understand.  We  walked  up  a  narrow  pas 
sage-way,  from  one  corner  of  the  building,  and  did  not  go  up 
the  high  steps  on  the  front  that  was  facing  the  Common. 

There  was  a  good  deal  of  bustle  and  stir  going  on.  Wilson 
introduced  me  to  a  gentleman  who  I  thought,  by  his  looks, 
and  the  way  he  gave  his  orders  about  there,  was  the  governor. 
He  had  shining  buttons  on  his  coat,  and  a  cockade  in  his  hat. 
He  did  not,  to  be  sure,  look  like  Mr.  Boutwell's  picture  that  I 
saw  once.  I  don't  think  Mr.  Boutwell  ever  had  much  of  the 
grand  look  of  a  governor,  according  to  the  pictures  of  his  pre 
decessors  which  are  hanging  up  in  Mr.  Kimball's  Museum, 
-  a  place  which  had  much  to  do  with  my  happiness,  as  I 
shall  explain  hereafter.  As  he  was  a  store-keeper,  and  as  that 
once  was  my  calling,  I  was  rather  pleased  with  his  election, 
you  understand,  on  that  account.  We  are  apt  to  be  glad  if 
any  of  our  fellow-craft  are  exalted  by  public  opinion  into  ex 
ecutive  position  or  any  other  high  station. 

I  see  I  am  following  my  old  fashion,  when  I  get  an  idea  of 
one  thing  to  mix  it  with  another.  The  gentleman  who 
seemed  engaged  in  his  officious,  or  rather  official  duty,  was  not 


220  LIFE    OF  ' 

the  governor,  but  the  sergeant-at-arms ;  and,  as  I  afterwards 

learned,  in  some  matters  lie  knew  more  of  the  whirl  of  the 
wheels  than  the  governor  himself,  and  had  more  power  to 
make  things  pleasant  for  the  members.  He  and  Wilson  were 
old  friends.  I  believe  Wilson  had  been  a  representative  him 
self.  When  I  was  introduced  to  him  he  offered  me  his  hand, 
which  was  as  soft  and  white  as  a  lady's.  He  addressed  me 
thus  :  "  Mr.  Batkins,  I  welcome  you  to  Boston,  and  to  the  State 
House.  Anything  I  can  do  to  make  your  visit  agreeable 
will  give  me  great  pleasure."  —  "I  thank  you  kindly  for 
your  expression  of  good  intentions,  and  if  you  ever  go  out  of 
town,  and  come  to  Cranberry  Centre,  I  shall  be  happy  to  re 
turn  all  your  compliments  :  "  this  was  my  reply. 

lie  said  he  was  quite  busy ;  hoped  I  would  excuse  him ; 
but  if  I  would  look  at  the  hall,  and  select  such  seat  as  I 
would  prefer,  in  case  that  I  did  not  draw  one  to  my  mind, 
he  might  arrange  to  exchange  it  for  me  with  some  repre 
sentative  who  would  not  be  particular. 

'•  This  is  your  first  visit,  Mr.  Batkins,  and  those  in  their 
first  year  do  not  generally  prefer  a  seat  near  the  speaker;  the 
old  stagers  do.'; 

I  thanked  him.  Wil-on  said,  as  I  was  in  good  hands,  he 
would  leave  me.  He  did  so,  after  exchanging  a  word  or  two 
with  the  sergeant-at-arms.  They  both  laughed  simultaneously, 
looking  at  me.  I  have  no  doubt,  although  I  never  inquired,  that 
the  joke  was  at  my  expense  personally,  or  at  all  country  mem 
bers  collectively.  The  sergeant-at-arms  called  to  him  a  man 
whose  name  I  did  not  very  distinctly  hear.  It  sounded  like 
Bnnkeyfield,  or  something  like  that.  After  saying,  "  Brinkey- 
field,  you  will  see  that  Mr.  Batkins,  of  Cranberry  Centre,  is 
properly  attended  to,''  he  left  me  to  bestow  the  light  of  his 
smiling  countenance  and  touch  of  his  soft  fingers,  in  the  wel 
coming  of  others  to  the  scenes  of  their  former  labors  and  tri 
umphs. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  221 

I  think  my  introduction  by  Wilson  to  the  sergeant-at-arms 
was  rather  in  my  favor.  Looking  back  upon  those  ,halcyon 
days,  I  think  I  should  not  have  fared  so  well  but  for 
this  friend  at  court.  He  used  to  try  to  post  me  up  in  the 
way  of  the  thing.  I  was  naturally  of  a  confiding  disposition, 
and  in  my  first  days  I  used  frequently  to  inform  him  of  my 
grievances,  and  how  some  members  tried  to  be  rough  on  me. 
I  am  satisfied  he  never  betrayed  my  confidence  in  him,  and  his 
advice,  I  have  no  doubt,  saved  me  from  many  unpleasant  pre 
dicaments,  some  of  which  I  may  refer  to,  as  I  proceed  in  my 
legislative  career. 

My  dear  reader,  you  will  oblige  me  if  you  will  constantly 
bear  in  mind  that  I  do  not  propose  to  discuss  politics  in 
the  interest  of  any  partisan  feelings.  It  is  not  known  to 
this  day  whose  vote  it  was  that  elected  me.  Chosen  as  I 
was,  by  the  Honest  Men's  and  Independent  party,  I  consid 
ered  it  a  duty  to  my  constituents,  or  a  majority  of  them,  not 
to  act  with  either  of  the  other  great  factions,  then  striving  for 
the  mastery  in  the  State.  I  must  sometimes  name  these 
factions.  I  may  speak  of  Whigs  and  Democrats ;  but,  you 
understand,  I  am  not  to  be  classed  with  either.  Great  events 
followed  the  action  of  the  Legislature  of  which  I  was  a  mem 
ber,  and,  as  I  was  saying,  to  which  I  was  about  to  draw  my 
seat.  They  call  the  days  of  which  I  am  writing  now,  the 
days  of  the  coalition,  and  I  suppose  I  must  admit,  so  far  as 
Cranberry  Centre  was  concerned,  I  was  elected  by  a  coalition, 
although;  you  understand,  I  did  not  make  it.  I  was  selected  as 
a  candidate  and  elected,  with  a  reservation  always  to  occupy  a 
neutral  ground,  and  I  put  it  in  here,  it  is  of  no  consequence 
whether,  previous  to  that  time,  I  was  a  Whig  or  a  Democrat. 

It  is  evident  things  had  changed.  lion.  Seth  Spring,  my 
predecessor,  was  a  Whig:  Drystone  was  a  Democrat.  Bat- 
kins  could  not  have  been  either  in  public  estimation.  Now,  I 
still  preserve  this  balance  of  power  within  myself,  which 
perhaps,  had  as  much  to  do  as  anything  else  in  making  the 


222  LIFE    OF 

name  of  Batkins  famous;  and  the  policy  I  adopted  on  all 
occasions,  where  voting  was  to  be  done,  was  significant  of  the 
party  whose  principles  I  represented  at  that  time. 

I  have  been  delighted  in  my  retirement  to  have  found 
myself  referred  to  as  a  model  legislator.  I  will  not,  however, 
anticipate  the  future,  in  that  respect ;  let  my  reputation  depend 
upon  my  action  in  accord  with  that  neutral,  conciliating,  non-par 
tisan  policy,  of  which  it  was  claimed  I  was  the  founder.  The 
drawing  of  my  seat  was  to  be  one  of  my  first  official  acts.  I 
had  understood  it  was  done  on  the  principle  that  you  draw  a 
lottery,  whether  for  pins,  marbles,  gingerbread,  or  rose  cakes  ; 
those  first  lessons  in  gambling,  practised  by  boys  and  girls  in 
school-days,  that  when  arrived  at  man's  estate  are  forbidden 
by  law.  I  have  not  much  to  say  on  this  subject,  only  that 
it  corroborates  what  is  said  in  some  poetry  before  referred  to, 

"  Tirf  education  forms  the  common  mind." 

Some  thought  we  legislators  were  breaking  the  law  against 
gambling  in  having  a  lottery  with  seats  for  prizes.* 

One  circumstance  I  have  omitted,  but  as  I  agreed  to  put  in 
all  matters  that  would  be  instructive  as  to  my  character,  I 
have  concluded  to  close  this  chapter  with  an  incident  which 
tends  to  show  my  confiding  nature.  I  was  gazing  round  the 
State  House,  and  I  rcad^a  sign  "To  the  cupola."  Now,  I 
am  not  ashamed  to  say  I  did  not  know  what  it  meant.  The 
reason  was  from  a  difference  in  spelling  words  and  .pronoun 
cing  them.  A  young  man  was  standing  by,  and  I  asked  him. 
He  said  it  was  the  first  thing  a  member  from  the  country 
ought  to  see.  It  would  give  him  a  better  idea  of  Boston  than 
he  could  get  in  any  other  form.  I  asked  him,  in  a  kind 
of  bantering  way,  if  he  was  not  mistaken  in  the  person  he  was 
talking  to.  The  young  man  said  no,  as  it  was  part  of  his 
duty  to  show  the  members  from  the  country  this  cupola, 

*  The  form  of  selection  of  seats  since  my  day  has  been  changed. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  223 

which  the  people  who  thought  they-  owned  the  State  House 
were  not  allowed  to  see,  at  this  time.  It  would  soon  be  closed, 
and  I  might  lose  my  chance.  One  member,  who  lost  his 
opportunity  last  year,  said  he  would  rather  have  given  ten 
dollars  than  to  have  missed  it. 

This  rather  excited  my  curiosity.  I  pulled  out  my  watch, 
to  see  how  the  time  was  going,  and  asked  him  how  long  it 
would  take  to  see  the  cupola.  He  said  I  looked  like  a  spry 
sort  of  gentleman,  and  he  thought  about  ten  minutes.  He 
said  if  I  went  up  now  it  would  only  cost  half  a  dollar ;  next 
week  the  price  was  to  be  raised.  He  said  the  money  went  to 
the  lunatic  hospital,  and  I  could  give  as  much  more  as  I 
pleased. 

"  Half  a  dollar,"  I  thought' to  myself.  "  Well,  if  all  the 
country  members  go  to  see  it,  I  might  as  well ;  "  so  I  told  the 
young  man  I  would  follow  his  advice,  and  asked  him  when  he 
took  the  money.  He  said,  "  In  advance."  I  was  feeling 
after  my  purse,  and  he  took  out  a  kind  of  a  memorandum-book 
and  asked  me  my  name.  I  said,  "  Batkins."  He  said, 
"  Your  whole  name,  sir,  if  you  please."  I  then  gave  him  a 
half  a  dollar,  and  at  the  same  time  my  name,  which  he  wrote 
on  his  book,  repeating  it  slowly,  "Jefferson  S.  Batkins, 
Cranberry  Centre."  He  put  the  book  in  one  pocket,  the  half- 
dollar  in  the  other,  saying,  "This  way,  sir,  if  you  please," 
I  followed  him,  and  after  going  up,  I  thought,  a  thousand  steps, 
we  reached  the  top  of  the  State  House,  and  the  young  man 
said,  "There,  sir,  you  can  see  Boston,  the  islands,  and  the 
adjacent  country." 

I  told  him  I  could  see  a  considerable  surface  of  country  ; 
but  I  did  not  know  as  I  could  make  any  use  of  the  sight.  He 
said  I  ought  to  have  heard  one  of  the  Boston  members  describe 
the  scene,  in  a  speech  he  made  last  year  against  the  influence 
of  the  country  injuring  Boston.  When  he  spoke  of  this  pan 
orama  as  superior  to  the  Bay  of  Naples,  it  produced  a  sensation. 


224  LIFE    OF 

I  did  not  know  where  the  Bay  of  Naples  was  situated, 
but  I  asked,  "Which  is  the  panorama?"  I  am  not  now 
ashamed  to  say  I  did  not  know  the  meaning  of  the  word. 
I  thought  it  would  sound  well  in  a  speech.  He  pointed 
with  his  finger,  saying,  "  The  whole  expanse.  What  a  pic 
ture  !  "  I  said  yes,  not  sure  then  that  I  understood  him,  and 
then  asked  him  where  the  cupola  was.  He  looked  at  me. 
"  Why,  this  is  it !  Batkins,  —  Cranberry  Centre,  I  wish  you 
good-day;  you  can  go  down  when  you  please.  lam  going 
now."  He  left  me,  saying  something  that  sounded  to  me 
like  "hookey." 

Now,  if  he  had  said  cupelo,  I  should  have  had  an  idea  of 
what  he  meant.  I  was  not  so  well  off  in  money  by  half  a 
dollar  as  I  was  before  ;  but  I  had  the  idea  of  panorama,  used 
by  the  Boston  member,  and  I  had  discovered  the  difference 
between  a  cupelo,  as  I  understood  it,  and  a  cupola.  When  I 
told  this  to  Wilson,  he  laughed,  and  said,  "  Just  like  them  !"  * 

*  My  coadjutor  recommended  me  to  omit  that  part  of  the  chapter  relating  to 
my  expedition  to  the  top  of  the  State  House.  I  declined  to  do  so,  and  upon  asking 
fora  good  reason,  ho  stated  as  follows:  "  In  the  first  place,  Mr.  Batkins,  the  inci 
dent  is  trivial ;  in  the  next  place  it,  or  some  such  imposition,  has  been  practised 
upon  many  country  persons  visiting  a  city,  who  are  thus  led  to  suppose  they  aro 
to  pay  for  every  object  of  interest  they  may  desire  to  see,  when  it  is  free  to  all,  and 
without  charge.  Again,  this  old  deception  has  been  printed  over  and  over  again 
in  newspapers,  in  joke-books, —  to  be  sure,  with  some  valuations.  If  you  add  it 
to  your  composition,  it  will  bo  said  that  if  all  your  sayings  and  doings  are  not  more 
original  than  this  one,  a  doubt  may  be  raised  of  the  authenticity  of  any  of  tho 
others." 

I  stated  to  him  that  this  incident,  as  he  called  it,  did  occur  to  me,  — to  bo  sure, 
it  was  many  years  prior  to  this  time,  —  and  there  were  many  reasons  why  I  should 
put  it  in  the  book.  I  am  not  ashamed  to  have  people  see  what  my  state  of  gen 
eral  ignorance  was  of  city  customs,  and  how  I  improved.  Of  course,  no  such  trick 
could  bo  played  on  me  now;  and  then,  as  to  printing  it  in  the  papc-rs,  as  I  hinted 
before,  in  Sally  Trivctts'  case,  about  tho  railroad  fare,  odd  things  that  I  have 
spoken  of  in  my  way  have  found  their  way  into  newspapers  and  joke-books.  Is 
that  any  reason  I  should  leave  them  out  of  my  authentic  life,  because  somebody 
stole  them  and  used  them  before  I  had  the  opportunity  ? 

My  friend  smiled  and  yielded;  so  with  this  explanation  the  cupola  iuui-r.-nt  gooa 
in.— J.  S.  13. 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  225 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

DRAWING   A    SEAT. 

IT  was  quite  a  pleasing  ceremony  this  State  House  lottery. 
I  was  told  by  Mr.  Brinkeyfield  that  it  was  a  good  time  now  to 
go  for  my  seat,  and  he  pointed  the  way  to  the  sergeant-at- 
arms.  who  was  then  engaged  with  some  Boston  members,  who, 
Brinkeyfield  said,  had  great  luck  in  getting  good  seats.  I 
walked  up  to  the  sergeant,  and  said :  — 

"  Sir,  I  should  like  to  have  a  seat  in  the  House.  I  suppose 
you  remember  me." 

He  looked  at  me.      "  Certainly,  you  are  Mr. —  " 

He  hesitated.     I  put  in  "  Batkins." 

"  Of  course;  who  else  but  my  old  friend,  Batkins, 
from  —  " 

He  hesitated  again.      "  From  Cranberry  Centre,"  I  said. 

"  Of  course,  from  no  other  place.  How  is  your  wife  and 
family?" 

I  said,  "  I  have  no  wife." 

"  No,"  he  said;  "then,  of  course,  you  have  no  family.  I 
was  thinking  of  another  gentleman,  who  has  a  family,  but  no 
wife.  Well,  Mr.  Batkins,  how  did  you  like  your  seat  last 
year?" 

Somewhat  surprised  at  the  question,  I  answered,  "This  is 
my  first  year  to  the  General  Court." 

"  Who  represented  Cranberry  Centre  last  year?  •' 

"The  Hon.  Seth  Spring." 

"Spring,  so  it  was.     Well,  you  resemble  him  very  much, 


226  LIFE    OF 

Mr.  Batkins.     I  hope  you  will  be  as  fortunate  in  the  drawing 
of  jour  seat  as  Mr.  Spring  was." 

I  was  rather  pleased  at  the  comparison,  and  asked  him  what 
I  should  do  next.  He  said  he  would  look  at  my  credentials 
if  I  had  them  about  me. 

"  Credentials,"  I  said.  As  I  did  not  exactly  understand 
the  purport  of  that  word,  I  thought  I  would  run  for  luck,  as  I 
did  on  my  name  ;  so  I  said,  "  You  mean  my  "  —  then  I  hesi 
tated,  and  he  said,  "Yes,  the  certificate  of  your  election." 

My  natural  cuteness  helped  me  that  time.  I  handed  the 
document  to  him.  He  examined  it,  said  "  All  right,"  and 
turned  to  a  young  lad  with  a  pair  of  bright  eyes,  who  stood  at 
his  side  with  a  box  with  a  hole  in  the  top. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Batkins,"  said  the  sergeant,  this  is  Master 
Joseph,  a  page,  who  in  this  case  represents  fortune.  He  will 
put  his  hand  into  that  box,  and  as  I  report  the  name  of  J.  S. 
Batkins,  from  Cranberry  Centre,  he  will  draw  a  number; 
that  number  will  entitle  you  to  the  seat  in  the  House  upon 
which  a  corresponding  number  will  be  found.  Now,  Joseph, 
a  good  shake  for  Mr.  Batkins,  and  if  you  know  where  the 
good  numbers  are,  pick  out  the  right  one  for  him.  Mr.  J.  S. 
Batkins,  from  Cranberry  Centre,  Joseph." 

Joseph  said  he  would  draw  just  the  one  Mr.  Batkins  wanted. 
He  put  his  hand  in  the  box,  took  out  a  number,  saying :  — 

"  Number  thirty.     That  is  the  number  of  your  seat,   Mr. 
Batkins.     Are  you  satisfied  with  it  ?  " 
"  As  I  did  not  know  the  difference,  I  said  I  was. 

"  Well,"  said  the  sergeant-at-arms,  "it  is  usual  when  a 
member  is  fortunate  in  getting  the  seat  he  desires  to  remember 
the  page." 

The  page  —  Joe,  as  they  called  him  —  came  down  from  the 
desk,  and  said  he  "  should  be  happy  to  be  remembered  by  Mr. 
Batkins  about  five  dollars'  worth."  I  thought  Joseph  was 
joking.  I  told  him  he  began  early.  He  replied  ho 
did,  but  he  went  to  bed  late.  I  promised  him,  however,  that  I 


'JEFFERSON  s.  BATKINS.  227 

would  remember  him  and  see  him  again.  The  page  amused 
me,  but  I  did  not  see  the  joke  then.  It  appeared  I  was  lucky. 
I  had  drawn  a  seat  in  front  of  the  speaker's  place,  who  came  in 
just  at  this  time,  and  spoke  to  the  sergeant-at-arms.  He  did 
not  draw  for  a  seat,  but  from  what  happened  afterwards  I  think 
he  knew  what  seat  was  picked  out  for  him  beforehand. 

I  was  introduced  to  him.  It  was  Mr.  Banks  himself.  He 
took  me  by  the  hand,  held  it  tight,  looked  at  me,  right  in  the 
eye,  as  if  he  was  measuring  me  for  something,  and  said  :  — 

"  I  am  glad  to  see  you,  Mr.  Batkins;  happy  to  make  your 
acquaintance.  How  is  your  family?  How  is  your  wife? 
How  are  your  children?  " 

I  looked  at  him  with  astonishment,  and  said,  "Mr.  Banks, 
I  am  not  married ;  therefore  to  ask  after  my  wife  and  children 
is  unnecessary." 

Banks  said,  "  Batkins,  you  ought  to  be ;  "  and  said  he 
should  have  the  pleasure  of  seeing  me  hereafter  often. 

While  he  was  looking  at  me,  I  was  looking  at  him.  Ac 
cording  to  my  plan  of  describing  people  by  what  they  look 
like,  —  as  in  the  case  of  Miss  Feathergilt,  you  understand,  and 
the  lady  with  the  goosey  way  of  swinging  her  head  on  her 
neck, — I  thought  he  had  a  look  of  three  animals  mixed, 
something  like  the  picture  of  a  lion  and  a  wolf,  —  as  I  had  seen 
them  painted,  —  and  a  gray  fox ;  I  had  seen  these  creatures 
often.  Now,  I  can't  say  there  was  any  mixture  of  lamb  in  his 
composition ;  yet  there  was  a  pleasant  compound  of  expressions  ; 
he  could  make  a  smile  as  handsome  as  a  rose  looks,  so  that  you 
would  not  suspect  how  lion-like,  wolf-like,  or  foxy  he  could 
be,  if  bis  mind  was  bent  in  either  direction. 

Pretty  soon  after  the  drawing  was  over,  and  I  had  begun  to 
feel  more  at  home,  I  went  and  looked  at  the  place  I  was  to 
occupy  during  the  great  debates  of  this  most  important  and 
celebrated  session.  I  talked  with  different  individuals  about 
matters  and  things,  without  any  introduction,  and  soon  found 
out  to  my  satisfaction  that  some  of  the  members  naturally  didt 


228  LIFE    OF 

not  know  any  more  than  I  did,  and  had  not  the  benefit  of  the 
instruction  I  received  from  our  old  school-master,  Mr.  Birch. 

As  it  is  not  my  desire  to  place  myself  at  this  time  any 
higher  than  I  deserve  to  be  in  my  reader's  estimation,  I  shall 
say  nothing  of  my  experience  in  horse-trades  or  cattle  bargains. 
I  know  that  in  store-keeping  I  did  not  succeed  very  well ;  but 
my  reader  will  not  forget  that  it  was  that  unfortunate  affair 
with  the  sea-captain's  wife  that  compelled  me  to  submit  to 
what  I  knew  to  be  unbusiness-like  and  wrong.  I  think  I  was 
growing  a  little  wiser,  and  therefore  I  discovered  Cranberry 
Centre  was  not  the  highest  on  the  list  for  sending  men  who 
had  not  learned  the  trade  of  politics.  Upon  talking  about 
Caesar,  Cicero,  and  Demosthenes,  I  found  the  member  from 
Leadenville  did  not  know  any  more  about  them  than  I  did 
before  I  took  lessons  of  Mr.  Birch. 

I  had  looked  at  my  seat,  the  shelf,  and  the  desk,  and  tried 
the  effect  of  the  cushion  upon  which  I  was  to  seat  myself 
during  the  trying  times  to  come,  which  then  I  had  no  knowl 
edge  of.  I  surveyed  the  scene,  and  wondered  what  the  codfish 
was  there  for.  I  asked  no  questions,  but  passed  up  the 
passage-way  and  went  into  a  handsome  room,  though  not 
so  large  as  our  hall,  that  I  was  told  was  the  Senate 
Chamber.  Things  looked  a  little  more  comfortable.  There 
was  a  large  table  set  all  round  the  room,  with  nice  arm-chairs. 
I  thought,  on  the  whole,  I  should  prefer  a  seat  at  that  table ; 
there  would  not  be  so  many  to  look  at  me  when  I  made  my 
speech,  which  was  always  uppermost  in  my  mind.  I  sat  down 
in  one  of  the  chairs,  and  really  felt  much  more  at  home  than  I 
did  in  the  other  hall. 

As  it  was  called  a  chamber  I  looked  for  a  bedstead  and  such 
things.  I  saw  none.  I  was  much  pleased  to  see  some  drums 
and  a  musket  on  the  wall.  Upon  inquiry  I  was  told  that  they 
were  captured  from  some  Russians,  —  I  so  understood  the  man 
who  gave  me  the  information,  —  in  the  Revolutionary  War  or 
the  Mexican  AVar,  I  have  forgotten  which.  Subsequently  I 


•  JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  229 

discovered  the  mistake  I  made,  when  I  repeated  the  history  of 
the  matter  to  some  little  boys,  who  were  one  day  looking  at 
the  cannon,  which  were  in  the  hall  below.  They  said  it  was 
Hessians,  not  Russians. 

While  I  was  sitting  in  this  chair,  the  young  man  that  was 
told  by  the  polite  sergeant-at-arm's  to  look  after  me,  came  into 
the  Senate  room,  and  said  he  was  looking  after  me.  He 
wanted  to  know  if  I  was  satisfied  with  the  seat  I  had  drawn. 
I  told  him  I  was.  He  said  if  I  was  not,  he  thought  he  could 
find  a  member  who  would  be  willing  to  exchange  with  me.  I 
asked  him  if  the  seat  I  had  drawn  was  not  considered  a  pretty 
good  seat.  He  said  it  was.  I  asked  him  if  the  other  gentle 
man's  was  equally  good.  He  said  it  was,  for  some  people. 
Now,  you  understand,  I  was  not  posted  in  this  way  of  chang 
ing  seats.  I  did  not  see  that  I  had  any  property  in  it.  But 
this  young  man  looked  a  little  like  a  weasel,  and  a  little  like 
an  owl,  —  that's  a  pretty  cute  mixture  in  a  man's  face  or  a 
woman's  ;  so  I  just  said  to  him  :  — 

"I  am  a  farmer,  and  I  sometimes  swap  horses;  but  if  I 
trade  off  a  good  beast  for  a  bad  one,  I  generally  want  as  much 
boot  as  both  horses  are  worth." 

I  watched  the  effect  of  this  speech  on  him.  His  owl's 
eyes  twinkled,  his  weasel's  mouth  twitched. 

"Yes,"  says  he,  UI  s'pose  so.  If  you  will  change  your 
seat,  Mr.  Batkins,  with  a  Boston  member,  who  wants  to  be 
next  to  his  colleague,  who  has  drawn  a  seat  next  to  you,  I 
will  give  you  twenty  dollars  out  of  my  own  pocket  to  accom 
modate  him." 

"  Twenty  dollars,"  says  I.  "  Well,  not  for  the  money,  but 
to  oblige  the  Boston  member.  I  will  make  the  trade." 

The  truth  was,  I  did  not  want  to  sit  near  one  of  the  Boston 
clique.  He  gave  me  twenty  dollars,  and  the  seats  were  ex 
changed.  I  went  with  him  to  the  Boston  member's  seat,  and 
was  introduced  to  him.  He  said  he  was  very  much  obliged  to 


230  LIFE    OF 

me  for  my  courtesy,  and  if  he  could  do  me  any- favor  during 
the  session,  it  would  give  him  pleasure  to  do  so. 

Now,  I  am  not  mercenary,  —  I  never  was ;  I  did  feel  some 
squeasy  about  selling  my  seat.  I  was  always  in  doubt 
whether  the  Boston  member  paid  for  it,  or  the  messenger.  I 
did  not  like  to  ask  him  ;  but  I  was  told  such  things  were  done, 
and  sometimes  the  messenger  made  more  by  the  trade  than  the 
member  who  sold  the  seat. 

I  am  telling  this  story,  you  understand,  just  as  it  was. 
At  the  time  I  am  writing  I  am  better  informed  how  things  are 
done  in  the  houses  where  they  make  laws,  and  in  court 
houses  where  they  enforce  them.  There  are  other  matters 
bought  and  sold  besides  seats. 

Being  satisfied  with  my  morning's  work.  I  went  to  Mr. 
Wilson's,  and  talked  with  the  ladies  until  dinner-time.  After 
dinner,  I  related  my  experience  to  Wilson,  including  the  trade 
I  made  on  the  seat.  He  said  he  thought  I  commenced  well. 
and  guessed  I  could  be  trusted  at  the  State  House  as  well 
as  any  of  them.  He  wished  to  know  how  I  intended  to  pass 
the  evening.  I  told  him  I  did  not  know.  I  understood  there 
was  to  be  a  caucus  at  the  State  House  in  the  evening,  to  fix 
up  the  officers.  I  had  some  talk  with  diiferent  members,  and 
they  tried  to  discover  who  I  favored  ;  but  up  to  this  time  I 
had  kept  pretty,  close.  One  member  said  that  it  was  all 
fixed ;  that  N.  P.  Banks  was  to  be  speaker,  and  Henry  Wil 
son  president  of  the  Senate.  I  asked  him  how  he  knew  that. 

He  said,  "  Batkins,  I  don't  think  they  have  let  you  into 
the  ring.  If  you  don't  show  your  hand  somewhere,  you  will 
not  have  any  influence.  Sometimes  one  vote  is  worth  a  pile, 
as  in  your  case ;  whether  it  was  the  man's  that  was  in  jail  or 
your  own,  it  sent  you  from  Cranberry  Centre." 

"Yes,"  I  observed,  "I  have  no  objections  to  vote  for  Mr. 
Banks.  I  think  he  is  a  very  pleasant  man." 

"Yes,  Batkins,  and  if  you  have  a  wish  to  speak  often,  or 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  231 

to  get  on  a  committee  of  your  choice,  you  must  be  on  good 
terms  with  the  speaker,  or  he  may  always  see  somebody  else 
before  he  sees  you,  and  on  exciting  questions  many  will  rise 
at  once.  I  suppose  it  will  be  no  ordinary  question  that  will 
bring  forth  your  speech.  I  think  Mr.  Banks  will  treat  you 
fairly  ;  but  he  has  it  in  his  power  to  do  more,  and  it  is  in 
politics  as  it  is  everywhere  else,  — friends  before  enemies." 

I  listened ;  I  thought  Wilson  was  about  right,  and  so  I 
told  him,  and  under  my  then  conviction,  I  thought  the  repre 
sentative  of  the  Honest  Men's  and  Independent  ticket 
would  go  for  Banks.  We  dropped  politics,  and  talked  on 
general  subjects.  I  told  him  I  should  write  some  letters,  and 
go  to  the  depot  for  Abby  Bacon,  and  get  that  affair  off  my 
mind,  and  then  perhaps  I  would  go  out  in  the  evening,  and 
see  the  Boston  sights,  or  do  anything  else  he  pleased  to  pro 
pose. 


232  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

THE 

AFTER  my  conversation  with  Wilson  I  retired  to  my  room, 
and  continued  my  letter  to  my  father;  then  practised  the 
reading  of  my  speech.  I  made  it  a  rule  to  do  this,  or  to  find 
the  meaning  of  words  I  did  not  know,  every  afternoon,  unless 
prevented  by  something  unavoidable.  From  some  cause,  not 
well  understood,  I  fell  asleep.  When  I  awoke  it  was  quite 
dark,  arid  I  ought  to  have  been  at  the  depot  to  meet  Miss 
Bacon,  who  was  to  arrive  in  the  last  train.  I  hurried  as  fast 
as  possible.  I  inquired  the  nearest  way  to  the  railroad  station. 
It  was  a  kind  of  pokerish-looking  neighborhood,  and  I  didn't 
feel  exactly  safe.  I  heard  a  fiddle,  and  saw  a  great  number 
of  carriages  and  stages.  I  did  not  know  but  there  was  a  ball 
somewhere.  I  kept  on  a  little  further,  and  got  kind  of  be 
wildered  with  the  gas-lights.  I  could  not  see  the  top  of  the 
State  House ;'  it  was  my  way.  wherever  I  was,  if  I  could  see 
that  cupola  to  go  in  the  direction  until  I  found  it,  and  then  I 
could  make  my  way  from  there  in  almost  any  direction.  If  I 
could  not  see  it,  then  I  always  inquired  the  way  to  it. 

I  met  Seth  Spring,  coming  along  in  a  hurry ;  so  I  knew 
the  train  had  -come.  I  asked  him  if  Abby  Bacon  came  along 
in  the  cars.  He  said  he  thought  she  had,  and  he  saw  some 
body  that  looked  like  her -get  out  of  the  cars,  she  was  talking 
with  a  hack-driver  about  her  trunk. 

I  walked  as  fast  as  I  could  to  the  station.  I  looked  all 
round  in  the  ladies'  room.  I  could  not  see  anybody  that 
looked  like  Abby  Bacon,  and  I  thought  if  Seth  Spring  had 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  233 

seen  her  talking  to  a  hack-driver,  perhaps  she  was  gone  to 
Mr.  Wilson's.  I  thought  then  I  would  inquire  the  way  to 
the  State  House,  and  get  back  as  fast  as  I  could.  For  this 
purpose  I  came  out  of  the  depot  building. 

A  hack-driver  stopped  me.  saying,  u  Can't  you  find 
her?"" 

Says  I,  "Find  who?" 

"  The  young  woman  you  expected." 

I  asked  him  how  he  knew  I  was  looking  for  a  young 
woman,  and  if  he  knew  me.  He  said  he  did.  I  asked  him 
what  was  my  name.  He  said,  "  Batkins,  representative  to  the 
General  Court,  from  Cranberry  Centre."  He  did  know  me, 
and  he  knew  I  was  looking  for  a  young  woman.  Abby  told 
him,  I  suppose;  so  I  said,  without  much  thinking,  "  I  was 
looking  for  Miss  Bacon,  and  I  wanted  her  to  go  to  her  aunt's." 

The  hack-driver  said,  "I  have  just  carried  the  young 
woman  to  her  aunt's.  She  waited  for  you  some  time.  If 
you  would  like  to  see  her  I  will  carry  you  to  her  aunt's." 

I  wanted  to  be  sure  that  Miss  Bacon  was  safe;  so  I  thought 
I  would  go  to  her  aunt's ;  and  remembering  my  experience  on 
my  arrival,  I  asked  him  how  much  he  would  charge  me  for 
the  ride. 

He  said  that  depended  upon  how  long  I  stayed  at  Miss 
Bacon's  aunt's,  and  if  I  wanted  him  to  carry  me  home.  He 
said  if  I  did  not  stay,  he  would  do  both  jobs  for  half  a  dollar, 
if  I  had  no  baggage. 

I  agreed  to  this.  I  felt  a  little  liberal,  as  I  had  made 
twenty  dollars  on  my  seat.  I  told  him  if  he  was  sure  it  was 
Miss  Bacon  that  was  asking  for  me,  and  he  was  sure  he  carried 
her  to  her  aunt's,  I  would  go  with  him.  So  he  took  me  to  his 
carriage.  I  got  in,  and  he  commenced  driving  me,  I  knew 
not  whither. 

At  this  day,  as  I  am  writing  this  page,  I  cannot  help  think 
ing  of  that  ride  and  the  sequel,  you  understand;  as  it  will  ap- 


234  LIFE   OF 

pear.  I  had  been  cautioned  against  pickpockets,  and  I  kept 
pretty  good  lookout  for  them  ;  but  for  the  scrape  I  did  get 
into,  I  had  no  warning  against  anything  of  the  kind.  When 
I  came  to  this  part  of  my  journal  I  had  some  hesitation  in 
copying  it  into  my  life ;  but,  on  the  whole,  I  thought  it  was 
so  long  ago,  and  the  knowledge  of  it  could  not  injure  me  now, 
either  privately  or  publicly,  and  it  might  serve  as  a  warning 
to  some  other  representative  from  the  country,  so  that  he 
might  avoid  the  traps  and  pitfalls  of  Boston.  I  have  taken 
the  advice  of  the  person  whom  I  have  engaged  to  assist  me 
iif  preparing  my  work  for  the  press,  and  he  will  permit  it  to 
be  printed,  as  that  person  pronounces  it  one  of  the  most 
dramatic  scenes  of  my  life,  and  he  regretted  that  he  had  not 
known  of  it  before.  This  remark  will  be  better  understood, 
you  understand,  as  the  narrative  proceeds. 

I  take  the  liberty  of  saying  here  my  face  has  often  burned 
with  shame,  my  heart  beat  with  indignation,  when  I  have 
heard  public  speakers  declare  that  Boston  was  the  most  virtu 
ous  city  of  the  world.  I  wanted  to  tell  this  story,  and  so  I 
would,  but  I  did  not  care  then  to  have  my  experience  known. 
If  my  reader,  by  this  time,  has  been  able  to  judge  of  my 
character  he  can  estimate  my  sufferings  during  the  time  I  was 
in  such  jeopardy  from  wicked  people,  and  the  stupidity  of 
those  who  were  to  administer  the  law.  I  almost  shudder  as  I 
recall  the  doings  of  that  evening,  and,  dear  reader,  if  you 
think  there  is  anything  improper  in  what  I  am  about  to  relate 
you  can  pass  it  over,  you  understand,  and  go  to  the  next 
chapter,  continuing  in  ignorance  of  my  visit  to  the  "  Saints' 
Best" 

After  jolting  me  around  for  some  time,  he  stopped  his 
carriage  and  opened  the  door.  I  got  out,  and  looked  about 
me.  It  was  a  more  suspicious-looking  street  than  the  one  at 
the  railroad  depot  where  we  started  from.  I  said  to  the- 
driver,  "  What  part  of  Boston  is  this  ?  " 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  235 

He  said,  "  The  North  End." 

That  was  what  Mrs.  Bacon's  letter  said,  —  North  End. 

"  How  far  is  it  from  here  to  the  State  House?  " 

He  said  it  was  about  half  a  mile. 

' '  Are  you  sure  this  is  the  plifce  ?  ' ' 

"  Oh,  yes,"  said  he,  "I  will  go  in  with  you,  and  if  it  is  not 
all  right,  I'll  make  it  so.  This  is  the  place  where  I  brought 
the  young  woman." 

He  rung  a  bell  and  we  went  into  a  kind  of  porch ;  then  he 
rung  another  bell,  and  a  girl  came  to  a  door. 

He  spoke  first :  "  Here's  a  gentleman  who  wants  to  see  the 
young  woman's  aunt,  that  I  brought  here." 

"  Walk  in,"  said  the  girl,  looking  very  smiling,  and  I 
thought  she  had  her  face  a  little  painted  red. 

The  hack-driver  said,  "  When  you  get  in,  you  ask  for  the 
young  woman,  and  she  will  show  you  to  her  aunt.  When  you 
want  to  go  home  you  ask  'em  to  send  for  Bilky,  —  that's  me; 
11,982  is  my  number  on  my  carriage." 

It  all  seemed  fair  enough.  As  I  had  not  paid  him  his  half 
dollar,  I  felt  sure  that  he  would  carry  me  home.  Bilky  went 
off.  The  young  lady  asked  me  to  walk  into  the  parlor,  and 
she  would  send  to  me  the  lady  of  the  house.  I  looked  about 
the  room.  I  thought  it  was  pretty  well  fixed  up,  only  it 
smelled  strong  of  rum  and  tobacco.  While  I  was  look 
ing  at  the  pictures,  which  were  handsome,  a  young  woman 
came  in ;  she  was  gayly  dressed ;  she  had  her  face  painted  too. 
I  thought  she  was  hardly  c'overed  up  about  the  neck  and 
shoulders  as  much  as  would  be  decent,  and  I  thought  her 
dress  might  have  been  longer  without  damage  to  her  modesty, 
though  I  must  say  she  had  a  pretty  pair  of  legs. 

She  said,    "Good-evening,  sir.     What  can  I  do  for  you?" 

I  said,  "  Good-evening,"  and  asked  her  if  she  lived  here. 

She  said  she  "  didn't  do  anything  else." 

"Well,  miss,  I  want  to  see  Abby  Bacon, — Miss  Bacon." 


236  LIFE    OF 

"You  want  to  see  Miss  Bacon." 

"  If  it  is  not  giving  you  too  much  trouble,  I  should  like  to 
see  her  aunt.  Where  is  her  aunt?  "  I  asked. 

The  young  lady  replied.  "  I  suppose  her  aunt  is  with  her 
uncle."  • 

I  had  riot  heard  of  any  uncle.  I  thought  Abby's  aunt  was 
a  widow  ;  but  I  might  be  mistaken.  She  asked  me  what  Miss 
Bacon's  aunt's  name  was,  and  as  I  did  not  know,  I  could  not 
tell  her ;  but  suggested  if  I  could  see  Abby  Bacon  it  would 
be  all  right. 

She  said,  "  I  do  not  know  the  names  of  all  the  girls  that 
come  here ;  but  as  you  seem  to  be  a  very  respectable  old  gen 
tleman,  I'll  try  to  find  what  you  want." 

I  thanked  her,  and  told  her  she  had  some  pretty  gay  pic 
tures  for  an  oyster-house.  She  did  not  seem  to  understand 
that,  but  said  if  I  would  come  into  her  room  she  would  show 
me  a  handsome  picture  of  "  Pilgrim's  Progress."  I  told  her 
I  should  prefer  to  see  Miss  Bacon  or  her  aunt  first. 

Just  then  I  heard  a  fiddle  somewhere  in  the  house,  and  I 
asked  her  what  they  called  the  place.  She  said  it  was  called 
the  "  Saints'  Rest."  I  thought  that  was  a  curious  name  for 
a  tavern,  — that's  what  I  supposed  Miss  Bacon's  aunt  kept: 
on  a  moderate  scale,  of  course.  I  asked  the  young  woman  if 
that  was  not  a  fiddle  I  heard. 

She  said  it  was ;  there  was  a  kind  of  fair,  they  called  it, 
she  believed.  They  were  going  to  have  a  social  dance  or  ball, 
and  a  supper.  The  money  that  was  made  was  going  to  a 
society  for  doing  something  for  the  heathen  in  the  Holy  Land, 
or  some  such  place. 

I   thought  it   was   strange   that  people    should   fiddle   and 

dance  for  the  benefit  of  the  heathen  in  the  Holy  Land.      I 

told  her  I  thought  there  must  be  some  mistake ;   that  I  rather 

guessed  Miss  Bacon  was  not  here,  and  I  thought  I  would  go. 

She  said  I  had  better  go  upstairs  and  see  the  dance,  and  if 


JEFFEKSOV   S.     R ATKINS.  237 

I  liked  to  dance  she  would  get  me  a  partner.  If  Miss  Bacon 
did  not  come,  she  would  dance  with  me  herself  one  dance. 

I  told  her  .my  dancing  days  were  over.  I  confess  I  had  a 
little  curiosity,  as  I  was  so  far,  to  see  the  fair,  and  thought,  on 
the  whole,  I  would  go  up  and  see  the  next  dance.  Just  then 
I  heard  the  fiddle  again.  I  don't  know  what  there  is  about  a 
fiddle,  when  it  is  played.  It  always  did  give  me  a  kind  of 
dancing  feeling.  So  says  I,  "Guess  I  will  just  look  in  a 
minute  or  so." 

"That's  right.  I  knew  you  wouid  do  something  for  the 
heathen." 

"  This  way,  sir,  if  you  please.  Mr.  — -  What  is  your 
name?" 

"  Batkins,"  I  said. 

"This  way,  Mr.  Batkins." 

I  followed  her  along  a  kind  of  crooked  sort  of  passage, 
until  we  came  to  some  steps,  and  then  I  heard  considerable 
laughing.  A  door  opened,  and  a  man  asked  me  for  a  ticket. 
I  told  him  I  had  no  ticket ;  that  I  came  by  the  invitation  of 
this  lady. 

She  said  it  was  "all  right."  I  went  in  to  the  "Saints' 
Rest."  They  were  just  finishing  a  dance.  Somebody  said, 
"  All  promenade  to  the  left  !  "  The  whole  party  danced  off 
into  another  room,  except  the  musicians,"  who  were  up  in  a 
kind  of  gallery.  There  was  a  sign  up,  printed  in  red  letters 
on  a  white  board,  reading  as  follows  :  "  Pay  the  fiddler  and 
treat  your  partner." 

I  was  not  acquainted  at  that  time,  you  understand,  with 
Boston  fashions  ;  but  yet  I  had  misgivings  about  where  I  was. 
I  asked  the  lady  what  her  name  was.  She  said,  "Bird,  — 
Lotty  Bird."  I  asked  her  where  all  those  dancers  had  gone 
to,  and  she  said  they  were  gone  to  get  refreshments.  I  in 
quired  where  the  fair  was ;  and  she  said,  in  another  room. 
She  asked  me  if  I  would  go  there.  I  said,  I  thought  not.  I 


238  LIFE    OF 

guessed  the  hack-driver,  Bilky,  would  get  tired  of  waiting  for 
me,  and  I  would  go. 

Said  she.  "  Mr.  Batkins,  you  won't  go  without  seeing  the 
elephant?" 

"Elephant?  you  have  not  got  an  elephant  upstairs,  have 
you  ?  " 

"  Oh,"  said  Miss  Bird,  "  the  genuine." 

As  I  had  never  seen  this  animal,  I  concluded  I  would.  By 
this  time  all  the  people  came  back,  and  one  of  the  musicians 
blew  a  trumpet.  They  got  ready  for  a  dance  ;  the  leader  of 
the  music  said  "  Hull's  Victory,"  arid  at  it  they  went,  I  sat 
down  to  see  the  dftnce.  There  were  some  that  did  not  join  in 
the  dance :  there  was  quite  a  crowd  around  me.  All  at  once 
I  felt  somebody  around  my  pocket.  My  twenty  dollars  were 
in  my  pocket-book,  and  my  speech,  that  I  always  carried 
about  with  me. 

As  you  may  suppose,  I  valued  the  speech,  and  my  mind  for 
a  moment  was  somewhat  diverted  from  my  pocket,  in  which  I 
kept  my  money.  There  was  a  considerable  struggle.  I  said, 
"Am  I  among  thieves?"  In  my  efforts  to  escape  some 
body  fell  on  the  floor.  I  caught  the  hand  of  the  Bird  girl  in 
my  pocket,  and  I  do  .not  think  I  wholly  let  it  go  from  me. 

I  have  heard  it  said  that  when  persons  are  drowning,  in  the 
moment  preceding  their  unconscious  state,  you  understand,  all 
the  events  of  their  lives  rush  before  them.  Just  so  in  this 
case.  I  felt  a  swimming  in  the  head,  a  dizziness,  a  blindness, 
a  coldness  and  a  warrnness  following  rapidly,  a  dying-away 
sound  of  the  music,  with  the  laughing  of  what  seemed  a  thou 
sand  female  voices.  My  last  thought,  next  to  my  speech  and 
my  money,  was  my  interview  with  Bean  at  the  house  of  the 
sea-captain's  wife,  and  the  prospect  of  getting  my  eyes  in  the 
same  black,  blue,  and  green  condition  they  were  in  after  my 
collision  on  that  occasion.  That,  the  story  of  the  wagon,  and 
the  doctor's  bill,  all  passed  as  a  vision  before  me,  with  the 


JEFFERSON   S.    ItATKIXS.  239 

after-thought,  you  understand,  of  my  going  to  the  State  House 
on  the  morrow,  that  is,  the  next  day. 

I  had  an  indistinct  recollection  of  a  tall  man,  that  appeared 
to  be  a  watchman  or  a  constable,  asking  who  I  was.  He  had 
searched  my  pocket,  and  discovered  the  packet  in  which  was 
my  speech. 

I  have  heard  strange  stories  of  the  instincts  of  mothers  for 
their  offspring,  and  that   sometimes,  when  they  are  crazy,  — 
the  mothers,    you   understand, —  "holy  nature  "  asserts    its 
power,  and  upon  seeing  their   children   there   is  a   temporary 
return  of  reason,  during  which  time  the  mother  will  recognize 
the  child,  if  it  is  put  before  her.    So  I  think,  when  my  speech 
was  being  taken  from  me,  nature  moused  up,  and  I  recognized 
a  real  man,  with  my  speech  in  his  hand,  instead  of  the  spectre 
of  one,  that  my  confused  imagination  had  raised. 

My  return  to  consciousness  was  assisted  somewhat  by  two  or 
three  violent  shakes  given  to  me  by  this  guardian  of  the  night, 
—  as  I  have  heard  the  watchman  called  since. 

II  What  are  you  doing  here  ?  "  was  the  first  well-understood 
question  I  was  requested  to  answer;   and  my  reply,  though 
not  in  a  very  loud  voice,  was,  "  I  came  to  sec  if  Abby  Bacon 
was  safe  at  her  aunt's/'     I  noticing  for  .the  first  time  in  his 
hand  my  to-be-celebrated  speech,  I  requested  him  to  return  it 
to  me.     lie  did  so,  inviting  me  to  go  with  him,  and,  taking 
the  Bird  girl  by  the  arm,  requested  her  to  accompany  him. 

I  simply  asked  if  my  face  was  bruised,  and  went  with  a 
somewhat  staggering  gait  to  a  looking-glass,  where  the  reflec 
tion  of  my  face  rather  disturbed  me.  I  was  not  cut  up,  as  in 
the  case  of  Mr.  Bean's  demonstration  ;  but  there  was  a  sort 
of  uncertainty  of  expression,  that  left  it  doubtful  in  my  mind 
if  all  was  right. 

"  I'll  take  care  of  you,"  was  his  reply,  as  he,  in  not  tire 
most  gentle  manner,  removed  me  from  the  glass.  Miss  Bird 
seemed  perfectly  at  ease,  and  remarked  something  like  the 


210 

not  elegant  expression.    "  Come  along,  old  fellow;   it  will  be 
all  right!  " 

I  endeavored  to  arrange  my  shirt-collar  and  cravat,  and 
smooth  down  rny  hair,  as  was  my  habit.  These  efforts  were 
partially  frustrated  by  the  pertinacity  of  the  watchman,  who 
said  he  would  see  me  home. 

Although  I  did  not  think  Miss  Bird  was  much  pleased  with 
the  invitation  given  to  her  by  the  watchman,  still  she  accom 
panied  us  to  the  street,  where  Mr.  Bilky,  with  his  carriage, 
was  waiting.  Having  asked  him  if  he.  remembered  me,  he 
said  he  did,  and  opened  the  door  of  his  carriage.  I  entered, 
and  was  somewhat  taken  by  surprise,  you  understand,  when  I 
was  followed  in  by  Miss  BirjJ,  who  was  assisted  in  an  effort  to 
ascend  the  steps  by  a  motion  of  the  watchman,  which  gave  her 
more  than  the  necessary  momentum,  occasioning  her  landing 
upon  the  seat  in  a  position  somewhat  dubious.  The  watchman 
entered  last,  the  door  -was  closed,  and,  as  I  supposed,  Mr. 
Bilky  was  driving  me  home ;  but  exactly  where  Miss  Bird 
was  going,  I  did  not  understand. 

I  was  feeling  in  my  pocket,  and  discovered  that  my  pocket- 
book  was  gone,  and  suggested  the  idea  of  going  back  to  look 
for  it.  This  was  objected  to  by  the  watchman,  who  said  he 
knew  what  he  was  about.  To  my  questions  I  received  no 
answer,  and,  as  subsequent  events  proved,  this  guardian  of  the 
rights  of  citizens  was  under  the  delusion  that  I  was  intoxi 
cated,  and  to  his  mistaken  apprehensions  of  my  condition  I 
was  indebted  for  my  further  experiences  of  that  night. 

After  a  ride  of  some  minutes,  he  stopped  at  a  not  very  in 
viting  place,  which  I  supposed  to  be  the  watch-house ;  and 
being  invited  in.  I  was* subjected  to  considerable  examination 
by  a  kind  of  head  watchman,  who  informed  me  that  I  was 
arrested  under  very  suspicious  circumstances,  and  asked  my 
name.  It  just  occurred  to  me  that  if  I  was  in  suspicious  cir 
cumstances,  I  would  not  tell  my  name.  I  gave  my  account 


JEFFERSON   S.    BATE  INS.  241 

of  the  affair  up  to  the  time  of  the  attempt  to  rob'  me,  and  in 
formed  the  officer  he  must  inquire  of  somebody  better  able  to 
inform  him  than  I  was  as  to  the  rest.  The  officer  said  he  did  not 
know  as  he  could  compel  me  to  give  my  name.  He  thought  I  had 
better,  if  I  wanted  my  pocket-book,  and  asked  me  if  my  name 
was  in  it.  I  told  him  there  might  be  papers  in  it  with  my 
name  on  them.  He  asked  me  how  much  money  I  had  in  it. 
I  told  him  about  twenty  dollars.  He  said  I  might  do  as  I 
pleased  about  the  pocket-book  ;  but  as  a  charge  was  made 
against  me  of  being  present  where  gambling  was  going  on,  I 
should  have  to  go  in  the  morning  before  the  court ;  and  there 
I  could  give  any  name  I  pleased,  if  I  did  not  want  the  affair 
known.  I  told  him  I  did  not  want  the  affair  known,  and 
asked  him  when  I  was  to  be  allowed  to  go  to  my  home.  He 
said  not  until  after  I  had  been  to  court,  and  paid  the  fine.  I 
began  to  feel  a  little  alarmed  as  well  as  uneasy,  and  asked  him 
where  I  was  going  to  stop  during  the  night.  He  said  he 
should  lock  me  up  in  a  cell,  and  previous  to  that  time  it  would 
be  necessary  for  him  to  search  me. 

"  Search  me  ?  for  what  ?  I  am  an  honest  man.  Do  you  think 
I  have  been  gambling,  or  anything  else  ?  " 

"  You  were  found  in  a  disreputable  place." 

"What,  the   <  Saints'  Rest!'" 

He  laughed.  '  Saints'  Rest !  '  Devil's  Paradise,  —  one 
of  the  worst  dens  in  North  Street." 

I  was  astonished,  you  understand,  and  I  asked  what  he 
had  done  with  Miss  Bird,  as,  in  looking  around,  I  perceived 
she  was  gone. 

"  She's  locked  up." 

"  I  want  you  to  search  her." 

"  It  has  been  done." 

'  \  Did  you  find  my  pocket-book  ?  ' ' 

"  I  don't  know.  Corae,  -let  us  see  what  you  have  about 
you." 


242  LU'K  or 

"Must  I,  Mr.  Watchman,"    said  I. 

"Yes,  it  is  the  rule.  We  shall  not  be  rough  on  you,"  he 
said. 

I  turned  my  pocket  inside  out  with  a  good  deal  of  internal 
commotion.  I  felt  that  I  had  got  my  hand  into  the  lion's 
mouth,  and  I  would  not  pull  very  hard  to  get  it  out.  When 
it  came  to  the  speech,  there  was  written  on  it,  "Jefferson  S. 
Batkins,  Cranberry  Centre,  member  of  the  General  Court." 
The  watchman  read  it.  Says  he,  * '  Are  you  Mr.  Batkins  ? 
Says  I,  "  I  am."  He  spoke  to  another  watchman,  and 
asked  him  if  he  had  written  any  charge  against  rne  yet  on  the 
book.  The  man  answered  no.  The  man  that  carried  off 
Miss  Bird  returned,  and  the  three  had  a  conversation 
together  while  I  was  looking  at  the  brown-paper  covering  of 
my  speech.  After  a  while  the  head  watchman  said  that  Miss 
Bird  had  stolen  my  pocket-book,  and  wanted  to  know  if  I 
wanted  her  prosecuted  in  the  court.  I  told  him  if  I  got  my 
pocket-book. and  the  money  back  I  did  not  care  what  became 
of  Miss  Bird. 

"  You  would  not  like  to  have  this  whole  thing  get  into  the 
papers,  would  you,  Mr.  Batkins?  " 

"  Not  for  the  world,"  was  my  reply. 

44  If  you  go  to  court  you  will  have  to  employ  a  lawyer,  and 
that  and  the  fine  and  costs  would  be  about  twenty  dollars. 
If  you1  will  leave  that  with  us,  and  ask  no  questions  about  it,  we 
will  say  nothing,  and  the  thing  will  never  get  out  at  all."  In 
thinking  the  matter  over  I  thought  I  would  make  the  com 
promise.  He  gave  me  the  pocket-book  and  papers,  and  kept 
the  money,  and  one  of  the  men,  at  my  request,  agreed  to 
show  me  to  the  State  House,  which  he  did.  I  bade  him  good 
night,  and  found  my  way  to  Mr.  Wilson's  house,  and  from 
that  day  to  this  I  never  heard  of  that  Bird  of  mischief  again, 
and  of  course  never  visited  the  ft  Saints'  Rest  "  again,  and 
until  now  have  never  lisped  a  word  of  rny  night's  adventure. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  243 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

ORGANIZATION. 

THERE  had  been  notice  given  that  a  caucus  would  be  held 
of  the  different  parties,  for  the  purpose  of  nominating  the  offi 
cers  of  the  two  branches,  as  they  were  called,  of  the  General 
Court.  Of  course  this  is  rhetorical,  and  I  suppose  the  gov 
ernor  and  the  other  officials  were  the  grand  trunk  of  the  politi 
cal  tree,  also  in  a  rhetorical  sense. 

As  I  saw  no  notice  for  any  caucus  of  the  Honest  Men's  arid 
Independent  party,  upon  inquiry  I  understood  the  members 
of  the  other  parties  would  be  expected  to  attend  their  caucus 
and  no  other.  I  did  not  appear  to  have  any  business  with 
either,  and,  being  modest,  did  not  care  to  obtrude.  I  had 
heard  some  talk  about  the  third  house,  which  I  afterwards 
heard  called  the  lobby.  Their  caucus,  I  understood,  was  in 
some  place  out  of  the  State  House,  where  good  dinners  and 
suppers  could  be  had  at  short  notice. 

I  did  not  attend  any  caucus.  Occasionally  inquiries  would 
be  made  of  me  which  caucus  I  was  going  to  attend.  My 
usual  answer  was,  I  thought  not  either.  As  I  understood, 
things  were  pretty  much  agreed  upon  about  the  organization. 
I  had  this  from  many  members,  and  I  thought  there  was  no 
great  risk  in  my  repeating  it.  The  member  from  Leadenville, 
I  thought,  rather  tried  to  push  me  to  the  wall  on  that  point ; 
but  I  swung  clear  of  him,  with  the  safe  saying  that  I  should 
think  about  it. 

When  I  was  alone  I  felt  all  the  importance  of  my  position, 
but  when  I  was  about  the  State  House,  mingling  with  the 


244  LIFE    OF 

war-horses,  —  as  they  culled  them,  —  the  leaders,   the  wire 
pullers,  it  rather  lessened  my  estimate  of  myself. 

There  was  a  good  share  of  twisting  and  turning  all  round 
about  this  time,  of  which  I  do  not  propose  to  reveal  the  mo 
tives,  presuming  that  all  were  acting  for  the  public  gQod,  and 
in  no  sense  from  selfish  motives. 

There  had  been  a  great  snow-storm,  which  prevented  many 
members  from  participating  in  the  preliminaries  of  organiza 
tion.  Among  the  great  men  I  was  introduced  to  was  the 
greatest  man,  in  one  sense,  I  had  seen,  —  Senator  Lawrence, 
of  llampdeii,  —  who  c.illo  1  the  Senate  to  order,  and  to  whom  at 
a  subsequent  date  was  given  a  hat  and  cane,  whether  in  ac- 
knowledgment  of  his  being  the  greatest  senator,  or  the  greatest 
man,  or  in  continuance  of  some  ancient  custom,  I  either  never 
knew  or  I  have  forgotten. 

It  is  a  little  curious  that  the  House  was  called  to  order  by 
the  oldest  member,  whose  name  was  Small,  and  of  whose 
stature  I  have  no  recollection  :  but  I  believe  he  was  from  a 
town  on  Cape  Cod. 

It  is  not  parliamentary  in  debate  for  the  members  of  one 
branch  to  speak  of  the  other  collectively,  or  individually,  in 
any  offensive  way ;  but  outside  opinions  may  be  expressed  of 
each  freely  upon  individual  responsibility. 

The  clerk  of  the  Senate  was  not  re-elected,  to  the  surprise 
of  some  who  were  not  in  the  "ring,"  as  they  called  it.  The 
reason  given,  as  I  heard,  and  as  was  given  in  a  newspaper. 
was  as  follows  :  lie  was  doomed  to  pay  one  hundred  dollars 
for  party  purposes  (out  of  patriotic  inspiration,  I  suppose. 
This  supposition  is  mine,  and  not  taken  from  the  papers)  ;  but 
he  said,  he  would  not  pay  it.  It  was  said  he  offered  to  pay 
ten  dollars.  This  set  me  a-thinking  on  the  exposures  attend 
ant  upon  getting  a  political  office. 

.  I  do  not  propose  to  make  my  impressions  and  recollections 
of  the  session  of   1852;    as  far  as  public  matters  are  con- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  245 

cerned,  an  authentic  record,  particularly  as  to  dates  and  the 
order  of  legislation,  because  a  file  of  newspapers,  or  the 
record  of  the  State  House,  will  be  found  more  reliable  ;  but 
many  of  my  personal  experiences  connected  with  these  events 
have  never  found  their  place  in  any  journal  but  my  own, 
upon  which  I  rely,  and  which  I  consider,  beyond  all  dispute,  a 
truthful,  impartial,  and  neutral  record. 

I  will  state  briefly  that  I  was  qualified  in  proper  form  with 
my  fellow-members  of  the  Legislature  of  1852.  That  the 
officers  were  chosen,  and  that  there  was  a  considerable  degree 
of  amusement  blended  with  the  instruction  to  me  in  the 
method  of  organization.  There  were  humorous  remarks  dur 
ing  the  voting,  and  speeches  by  Mr.  Banks  and  Mr.  Wilson 
when  it  was  over. 

I  listened  to  the  speeches,  and  could  riot  help  comparing 
them  with  mine,  because  Mr.  'Banks  and  Mr.  Wilson  were  said 
to  be  self-made  men,  as  well  as  the  governor,  whose  name  was 
mentioned  often  at  this  time;  but  I  am  not  sure  that  I  ought 
to  do  more  now  than  simply  to  make  this  statement,  as  the 
people  having  failed  to  elect,  this  legislature  was  in  proper 
time  to  reflect  their  will,  and  perform  the  duty  they  should 
have  done. 

Of  myself,  personally,  I  will  remark,  I  often  felt  that  it 
was  a  question, — as  I  was  naturally  honest, — whether  or 
not  I  did  just  right  in  transferring,  or,  — yes, — selling,  — 
I  might  as  well  come  right  out,  —  selling  my  seat  to  the  Bos 
ton  member,  and  I  felt  quite  uneasy  when  in  my  other  seat. 
I  took  my  oath  of  office ;  but.  on  the  other  hand,  I  think  the 
account  was  balanced  on  the  same  day,  by  my  getting  into  the 
hands  of  the  Philistines,  to  be  free  from  which,  my  ill-gotten 
gains,  if  they  can  be  so  called,  were  taken  from  me.  I  hope 
none  of  my  associates  of  18-02  have  any  greater  peccadillo  or 
self-appropriation  to  answer  for. 

There  was  a  great  deal  of  talk  about  inviting  a  Hungarian 


246  .  LIFE    OP 

rebel,  Mr.  Kossuth,  who  was  at  Washington,  to  Boston.  I 
did  not  then  understand  the  shape  of  things ;  but  the  argu 
ment  was,  that  as  we  became  a  nation,  in  consequence  of  being 
rebels,  we  should  always  welcome  rebels  from  every  other  coun 
try,  to  show  our  appreciation  of  their  acts,  and  give  our  support 
to  all  rebels  who  sought  to  put  down  regular  government, 
that  being  supposed,  from  our  stand-point,  always  to  be  cor 
rupt  and  subversive  of  the  true  principles  of  liberty. 
»  One  Boston  member  said,  "The  chickens  might  come  home 
to  roost "  some  day,  considering  that  we  were  rebels  and 
gloried  in  it.  We  might  have  a  little  rebellion  among  our 
selves,  and  he  thought  we  had  better  not  go  too  far  in  welcom 
ing  distinguished  rebels,  even  if  Mr.  Webster,  and  other  Mas 
sachusetts  politicians  favored  it.  Some  said  it  was  a  bid  for 
foreign  votes.  Being  then  inexperienced  in  the  dark  ways  of 
political  action.  I  took  further  time  to  consider  its  effect  on 
me,  that  is,  on  my  constituency  of  Cranberry  Centre. 

After  the  organization,  both  branches  adjourned  until  next 
day.  when,  after  some  other  business,  a  resolution  was  offered 
to  empower  the  governor  to  invite  Mr.  Kossuth  to  Boston. 
There  was  some  skirmishing  over  it,  but,  at  last,  in  some 
form,  it  was  sent  to  the  Senate,  and  we  tried  to  choose  a  chap 
lain.  We  did  not  succeed  in  doing  this  job  at  this  time, 
proving  the  saying  that  "many  shall  be  called,  but  few 
chosen."  Then  there  was  a  stick  about  electing  some  sen 
ators.  I  concluded  to  keep  a  private  journal  of  all  the 
doings,  and  I  did  for  a  while,  then  slacked  up  a  little. 

I  am  sure  of  this  date,  January  8,  1852,  and  it  was  a  great 
day  for  me,  that  is,  in  my  feelings.  When  the  House  ad 
journed,  the  sergeant-at-arms  requested  the  members  to  repair 
to  the  Doric  Hall,  where  he  soon  put  us  into  position  to  go  to 
the  Old  South  Church,  to  hear  the  sermon  proper  to  the  occa 
sion.  When  we  were  ready  to  start,  the  Boston  Artillery 
began  to  fire  their  cannon,  and,  as  I  passed  down  the  steps,  I 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  247 

saw  the  flash  of  the  fire,  and  the  smoke  through  the  trees.  It 
was  a  cold  day ;  but  with  stout  boots  on  my  feet,  and  woollen 
mittens  on  my  hands,  my  feeling  of  devotion  to  public  duty 
kept  the  rest  of  my  body  warm  on  the  march.  The  soldiers 
went  ahead  of  us,  with  the  band  ahead  of  them,  playing  a 
tune  that  almost  spoke  as  plainly  as  words  :  — 

"  Somebody  is  coming  this  time." 

We  were  escorted,  as  they  called  it,  the  governor  and  all 
of  us,  by  the  Independent  Cadets,  —  the  governor's  body 
guard.  I  do  not  propose  to  write  the  history  of  that  so-called 
aristocratic  Boston  Militia  Company.  Without  doubt,  as  I 
was  told,  you  understand,  it  was  composed  of  the  best  of  Bos 
ton  men,  in  regard  of  wealth  and  social  position  at  that  day, 
and  I  do  not  know  but  it  is  so  now.  It  has  always  kept  its 
character,  if  not  for  the  highest  degree  of  discipline,  of  hav 
ing  in  its  ranks  more  learned  men  than  any  other  military 
organization  in  the  State.  This  company  escorted  us  to  the 
church,  and  were  on  hand  to  guard  us  back  again.  Whether 
they  listened  to  the  sermon  by  the  minister  I  do  not  know. 

I  believe  they  were  the  first  company  to  do  away  with 
spirituous  drink,  on  all  festive  occasions,  which  at  the  time 
had  much  to  do  with  the  induction  of  the  Prohibitory  Law, 
yet  in  embryo. 

This  company  was  the  first  I  had  ever  noticed  in  which 
spectacles  were  used  by  any  of  its  members  on  duty.  I 
noticed  two  or  three  of  the  members  and  one  officer  with  gold- 
bowed  spectacles,  as  they  were  wheeling  round  a  corner  of  one 
of  the  streets.  I  do  not  know  that  any  harm  could  come  of  it. 
It  only  went  to  show,  you  understand,  the  patriotic  spirit  and 
military  ardor  of  these  young  men,  who  would  not  take  advan 
tage  of  their  supposed  physical  disability  to  be  exempt  under 
the  law. 


248  LIFE   OF 

I  hope  I  have  made  no  misstatement  in  relation  to  this  com 
pany's  performing  their  evolutions  in  strict  accordance  with 
total-abstinence  principles.  I  am  here  told  by  the  person 
who  assisted  me  in  this  work,  that  I  am  in  error ;  that  thpugh 
the  members  of  this  military  organization  made  no  pretensions 
to  teetotalism,  they  were  generally  very  temperate  men  in  all 
things,  and  on  their  festive  occasions  the  use  of  wine  of  the 
best  brands  was  not  interdicted ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  was 
liberally  dispensed  to  themselves,  their  friends,  and  guests, 
always  within  the  bounds  of  gentlemanly  regard  for  good  taste 
and  decorum.  He  says  he  knows  this,  having  partaken  of 
their  hospitality  on  more  than  one  occasion.  Of  course,  this 
is  authority  and  documentary  evidence,  and  settles  the  point 
in  my  mind. 

While  upon  the  military  part  of  the  procession  I  will  say, 
it  was  not  so  with  the  militia  company  in  Cranberry  Centre. 
Whenever  they  went  to  training,  it  was  noticed  they  inarched 
out  very  well ;  but  after  being  on  duty  all  day,  hid  in  the 
woods,  or  on  the  muster-field,  not  more  than  half  came  home 
with  the  captain  and  the  music,  and  they  could  hardly  keep 
close  enough  together  to  make  it  look  like  a  company.  The 
officers  were  strictly  temperate  men.  Some  said  it  was  fatigue 
that  demoralized  the  company  before  they  were  dismissed ; 
others  said  it  was  too  much  cider,  or  something  stronger.  These 
things  made  more  impression  on  me  in  those  days,  in  con 
sequence  of  the  liquor  law,  which  it  was  to  be  our  privilege 
to  enact. 

I  have  only  to  record  that,  marching  through  the  streets  of 
Boston  to  the  martial  music  of  the  Brigade  Band,  I  could  not 
help  thinking  of  Cranberry  Centre,  and  what  the  people  there 
would  say,  if  they  had  seen  me  walking  with  one  of  the  Boston 
members,  with  whom  I  had  some  pleasing  talk  as  we  marched 
along.  I  saw  Seth  Spring  standing  on  the  corner  of  a  street ; 
at  sight  of  him  I  walked  more  erect,  and  wondered  what  was 


JEFFERSOtf  S.    B ATKINS.  249 

going  on  in  his  mind  at  the  sight  of  his  successor.  I  rose  in 
my  own  estimation  from  that  day.  The  sight  of  a  watchman 
on  the  sidewalk,  keeping  the  crowd  in  order,  reminded  me  of 
the  "  Saints'  Rest,"  and  for  a  moment  I  sunk  down  in  my 
boots,  with  the  thought  if  Seth  Spring  knew  of  that  blunder, 
my  political  days  would  be  ended  in  that  home  of  respectabil 
ity,  Cranberry  Centre. 

The  day  passed  without  any  exciting  incident.  I  grew  in 
self-importance ;  but  while  I  felt  so  well  within,  I  had  de 
termined  to  preserve  my  usual  serenity  and  modest  demeanor 
as  to  others,  not  by  any  outward  sign  giving  anybody  the  right 
to  question  my  views  as  to  the'  proposition  of  the  Declaration 
of  Independence,  that  all  men  are  created  equal.  I  have  to 
say  then,  with  my  limited  experience  of  men,  I  did  not  believe 
the  proposition  as  a  fact,  with  the  exception  of  Dr.  Slawter  s 
constant  observation,  that  if  it  meant  that  there  was  only  one 
way  in  which  men  were  born  into  the  world,  it  was  true,  and 
that  was  the  same  with  regard  to  animals ;  so,  on  that  ground 
there  .was  no  difference  between  two-legged  and  four-legged ; 
the  fact  of  creation  was  the  same,  —  "all  from  the  egg ;  "  but 
if  it  meant  anything  else,  there  was  no  sense  in  it.  I  don't 
think  I  have  suffered  much  change  since,  in  that  respect,  and 
I  think,  without  admitting  the  truth  of  the  phrase,  as  a  rhetor 
ical  figure,  as  Mr.  Birch  would  call  it,  it  would  be  better  if 
those  persons  who  talk  so  much  of  equality  would  practise  a 
little  more,  and  show  some  acquaintance  with  the  common  dic 
tates  of  humanity,  both  to  men  and  their  not  very  distant  blood- 
relations,  quadrupeds  and  other  animals. 

I  have  no  doubt  some  men  looked  erroneously  upon  me.  and 
thought  I  was  feeling  above  them,  and  might  have  applied  to 
me  some  poetry  that  I  did  not  exactly  understand,  and  ask  me 
rhetorically,  "  Upon  what  meat  our  Cnesar  feeds,  that  he  has 
grown  so  great?  "  and  I  can  tell  you  it  does  make  a  deal  of 
difference,  whether  born  equal  or  not,  what  kind  of  feed  they  have 


250  LIFE    OF 

for  their  bodies  as  well  as  what  kind  of  books  they  study  in 
life  ;  and  when  I  say  men,  I  always  include  women,  unless  from 
some  connecting  circumstances  it  would  be  impossible  to  do 
so. 

The  next  question  of  importance  was  the  election  of  the 
governor.  The  caucusing  went  on  as  usual,  and  I  managed  to 
steer  clear  of  that  rock  ahead,  showing  my  hand.  I  occasion 
ally  heard  remarks  as  to  myself ;  the  most  frequent  was,  Ci  How 
is  he  on  the  governor  ?  "  I  heard  others  say  to  similar  ques 
tions  from  all  parties,  "  I  shall  vote  right;  "  so  I  adopted  that 
method  of  escape,  and  when  asked  I  said,  "  I  shall  vote  right." 
They  pumped  the  member  from  Leadenville,  as  I  was  informed, 
as  to  my  ideas.  He  said,  I  was  cunning  as  a  fox,  a  close  old 
jockey.  I  had  beat  Seth  Spring  in  the  canvas,  and  the  man 
that  could  do  that  must  have  something  in  him.  I  was  pleased 
at  their  estimate  of  me. 

At  length  the  day  of  election  came.  The  State  House  was 
lively  that  day.  When  I  was  called  I  answered.  I  hear  that  name 
now,  as  the  clerk  called  it  out,  —  "  Jefferson  S.  Batkins,"  — 
in  a  sonorous  voice,  and  I  replied,  I  think  rather  faintly, 
"Here,"  and  walked  up  and  deposited  my  ballot  for  —  no 
one  knows  who  to  this  day  but  myself.  I  have  only  to  say 
my  vote  for  the  lieutenant-governor  is  involved  in  the  same 
uncertainty  to  everybody  but  myself. 

After  the  usual  ceremonies  the  governor  and  lieutenant- 
governor  were  qualified,  and  we  all  listened  to  the  address.  I 
read  the  "  Boston  Post"  next  day,  and  so,  when  I  was  asked 
what  I  thought  of  it,  I  replied,  that  I  thought  it  was  "a  lucid 
and  patriotic  address,"  as  the  "  Post"  said  it  was.  I  do  not 
know  what  other  papers  said  at  the  time. 

It  was  some  days  before  the  Legislature  was  in  what  they 
call  working  order.  I  found  out  very  soon  that  there  were 
wheels  within  wheels  in  the  State  House,  as  well  as  anywhere 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  251 

else,  and  that  the  best  way  for  me  to  do  was  to  get  the  hang 
of  things  before  I  undertook  to  do  anything  myself. 

I  was  introduced  to  the  governor  in  his  room.  He  was 
very  pleasant,  but  it  appeared  to  me  then  that  he  was  about  as 
uneasy  in  his  position  as  I  was  in  mine.  It  was  almost  as 
new  a  thing  to  be  a  governor  to  him.  as  it  was  to  be  a  repre 
sentative  to  me,  only,  to  tell  the  truth,  I  think  he  knew  more 
of  politics  than  I  did  then,  and  I  rather  think  he  kept  ahead 
of  me  all  the  time. 

Mr.  Banks  appeared  to  get  along  better  than  the  most  of 
them.  He  asked  me  one  day  what  committee  I  thought  would 
be  best  suited  to  my  tastes,  and  best  satisfy  my  constituents  at 
Cranberry  Centre,  remarking,  at  the  same  time,  "Mr.  Bat- 
kins,  your  predecessor,  Mr.  Spring,  was  on  some  of  the  most 
important  committees  of  the  House." 

"  Now,  Mr.  Batkins,"  said  Mr.  Banks,  in  his  usual  serious 
way,  "  you  know  how  hard  it  is  to  please  everybody;  but  you 
are  about  the  only  member  who  has  not  suggested  to  me  the 
committee  on  which  he  would  like  to  be  placed." 

I  need  scarcely  tell  my  reader  that  he  could  not  have  asked 
ine  any  question  more  difficult  to  answer.  As  to  the  duties 
of  these  committees  I  had  very  little  idea.  I  told  him  I 
would  think  about  it,  and.  in  the  mean  time,  he  could  do  with 
me  as  he  pleased,  only  I  thought  he  had  better  not  put  me  in 
the  same  place  that  Mr.  Spring  had  occupied,  as  I  had  under 
stood  there  were  some  hard  horses  among  the  Boston  members, 
and  I  could  not  be  expected  to  race  with  them  without  I-  had 
Mr.  Spring's  spurs.  I  thought  it  was  a  good  chance  to  put  in 
a  few  of  Mr.  Birch's  rhetorical  figures. 

Mr.  Banks  looked  grave.  He  said  he  knew  Mr.  Spring 
was  a  hard  driver  in  debate,  but  did  not  exactly  understand 
my  joke  of  the  spurs. 

"Well,'1  said  I,  "Mr.  Speaker,  I  do  not  suppose  the  mantle 
of  my  predecessor  has  fallen  on  me." 


252  LIFE    OF 

He  looked  grave  again,  but  his  eye  twinkled  a  little,  and  I 
saw  a  smile  rolling  round  on  his  lips.  He  looked  at  me,  from 
the  longest  hair  I  had  on  my  head  down  to  the  toe  of  my  boots. 
Says  he,  "Mr.  Spring's  mantle  would  hardly  cover  you,  Mr. 
Batkins,  as  Mr.  Spring  is  hardly  up  to  your  stature." 

"May  be  so;  but  if  I  had  that  to  start  with  I  might 
piece  it  out  a  little  with  somebody  else's,  if  it  should  happen 
to  be  of  the  same  color." 

The  speaker  laughed,  said  I  was  a  dry  joker,  and  he  would 
put  me  on  a  special  Committee  upon  Fisheries  and  Flats. 
When  he  left  me  he  was  surrounded  by  the  representatives 
who  had  more  to  say  than  I  had. 

I  do  not  think  it  worth  while  to  describe  the  State  House, 
as  almost  everybody  has  seen  it.  I  went  up  to  the  top,  as  I 
have  related,  and  had  a  good  look  at  Boston  and  the  surround 
ing  towns.  Somebody  there  pointed  out  the  State  Prison,  and 
other  objects  of  interest,  and  when  I  returned  home  I  had  a 
long  talk  with  Wilson  as  to  how  I  should  employ  my  time. 

I  have  only  to  add  that  I  soon  became  acquainted  with 
many  of  the  Boston  clique.  I  suppose  the  speaker  had  said 
something  about  my  being  a  joker.  Now,  if  I  was,  I  was  not 
aware  of  it.  I  spoke  to  Wilson  about  it,  and  he  said  I  did 
get  off  some  good  things ;  but  it  was  some  time  before  I  un 
derstood  the  thing,  as  will  be  seen  hereafter. 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  253 


CHAPTER     XXIX. 

VARIOUS    TOPICS. 

Two  measures  were  introduced  into  the  General  Court, 
in  both  of  which  I  was  interested.  Upon  the  first  I  did  not 
intend  to  publicly  express  my  views,  —  that  was  an  order  to 
limit  the  session  to  one  hundred  days,  and  to  increase  the  pay 
to  three  dollars  per  diem  for  the  members.  I  rather  favored 
this  raising  the  pay ;  but  I  began  to  think  if  I  could  do  a  little 
trading  in  horses  or  produce  to  make  a  dollar  or  so,  I  should 
not  be  so  strenuous  about  limiting  the  session  to  the  hundred 
days.  Matters  at  home  would  go  on  well  enough  without  me 
until  haying-time.  I  did  always  like  to  be  about  then. .  Of 
course  I  had  not  made  up  my  mind  how  I  should  vote  when 
the  time  came  ;  but  as  we  were  an  economical  Legislature,  I 
felt  that,  though  I  should  be  willing  to  take  the  money,  it 
would  sound  better  at  home  to  have  my  vote  recorded  against 
it,  as  that  would  be  opposing  the  Boston  members,  —  being  on 
the  side  of  retrenchment  and  reform,  —  and  I  should  get  my 
"  per  diem  "  just  the  same. 

But  upon  the  other  subject  I  felt  bound  to  make  my  mark. 
This  measure  was  introduced,  in  the  form  of  a  petition,  with 
great  pomp  and  ceremony.  It  was  signed,  as  it  was  said,  by 
one  hundred  and  thirty-six  thousand  three  hundred  and  fifty- 
six  men,  women,  and  children ;  it  was  a  roll  said  to  be  in 
diameter  two  feet  six  inches,  fixed  on  a  reel,  and  placed  on  a 
stand  in  front  of  the  speaker's  chair,  by  the  Sons  of  Temper 
ance. 

A  distinguished  senator  said,  when  he  heard  the  drums  of 


254  LIFE    OP 

the  procession,  that  "the  subject  of  the  demonstration  was  a 
great  one  ;  that  it  involved,  in  its  direct  and  consequent  action, 
the  utter  extinction  of  the  great  enemy  of  the  human  race,  the 
destroyer  of  our  intelligence,  and  the  waster  of  the  human 
body." 

He  said  he  "  bowed  to  the  majority  of  the  people,  and  es 
pecially  when  they  came,  as  they  did  now,  with  the  loud  hurra, 
the  sonorous  drum,  the  piercing  fife,  and  the  thrilling  bugle." 
I  did  not  hear  him  say  this,  but  it  was  so  reported,  and  I 
thought  I  must  try,  when  my  turn  came,  to  say  something  as 
good  for  Cranberry  Centre.  Thus,  you  understand,  was  the 
Maine  Liquor  Law  introduced.  It  was  destined  to  immortal 
ize  this  Legislature,  and  was  one  of  the  grand  topics  of  discus 
sion  of  the  session,  and  called  forth  bursts  of  eloquence  from 
day  to  day. 

Another  subject  had  been  assigned,  in  which  I  felt  a  per 
sonal  interest,  —  the  election  of  the  sergeant-at-arms.  I  found 
there  was  to  be  a  tussle  for  this  office,  and  during  this  exciting 
contest  between  the  friends  of  the  gentleman  who  was  the  in 
cumbent  of  the  office  and  another  gentleman,  or  other  gentle 
men,  said  to  have  equal  or  superior  qualifications,  there  were 
frequent  and  animated  discussions,  as  the  learned  men  called 
it.  pro  and  con.  On  sound  principles,  I  am  not  afraid  to 
state  at  this  time  that  I  was  a  pro-major  man.  The  sergeant- 
at-arms  was  called  the  major  ;  he  wore  a  cockade  in  his  hat, 
and  I  think  I  have  seen  him  either  with  a  white  rod  or  a  sword 
in  his  hand,  as  an  emblem  of  his  authority  in  the  State  House. 
I  do  not  know  whether  he  was  a  civil  major  or  a  military 
major.  I  only  know  when  both  houses  were  to  be  mustered 
together,  —  to  use  a  military  phrase,  as  we  are  a  great 
military  nation,  or  are  to  be,  —  he  used  to  be  principal  com 
mander. 

I  had  not  forgotten  his  pleasant  manner  to  me  on  my  first 
introduction  to  him,  and  on  every  occasion  prior  to  this  elec- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  255 

tion  struggle,  while  I  thought  —  mind  you,  it  might  only  be 
my  thought,  you  understand  —  that  some  Boston  members,  — • 
of  the  terrible  clique,  perhaps,  — and  I  almost  blush  at  this 
date  to  add,  some  of  the  members  of  the  rural  districts  rather 
looked  down  upon  me  ;  from  jealousy  likely,  for  my  lack  of 
gentility,  or  some  other  reason  ;  it  could  not  have  been  my 
politics,  for  nobody,  by  any  a  ;t  or  speech  of  mine,  could  know 
what  they  were.  The  major  always  met  me  with  a  bland  smile, 
a  cordial  shake  of  the  hand,  and  a  courteous  bow,  addressing  me 
thus  :  "  Mr.  Batkins,  good-day.  I  hope  you  are  well.  All's 
well  at  the  farm,  I  hope." 

I  thought  after  the  Senate  had  come  to  so  close  a  vote  on 
the  election,  — the  major  having  but  a  majority  of  one  vote,  — 
he  was  a  little  anxious.  He  said,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  if  I  am  not 
wanted,  I  do  not  desire  to  serve.  It  is  a  little  closer  in  the 
Senate  than  I  thought  it  would  be." 

I  asked  him  if  he  had  any  objection  to  serving  another  year. 
He  said  no,  it  would  give  him  great  pleasure  to  be  re-elected. 

He  did  not  ask  me  to  vote  for  him,  but,  as  we  parted,  he 
gave  me  a  peculiar  shake  of  the  hand,  saying,  "This  is  the 
day  '  big  with  the  fate  of  Cato  and  of  Rome.'  ' 

When  he  said  this,  I  did  not  quite  understand  the  allusion 
to  Cato  and  to  Rome.  I  smiled,  however,  and  said, 
"  Yes." 

This  is  often  a  good  way  to  conceal  your  ignorance,  and  at 
the  same  time  to  seem  to  agree  with  your  friend  who  thus 
uses  rhetorical  figures. 

When  he  had  left  me,  I  did  not  forget  that  I  was  elected  by 
one  vote  (perhaps  my  own),  and  when  the  hour  for  the  elec 
tion  had  come  I  deposited  my  vote  for  the  major.  He  was 
elected ;  and  after  the  election  he  did  not  change  his  manner 
to  those  who  voted  against  him.  He  made  no  difference.  I 
do  not  know  as  he  knew  who  voted  against  him.  His  smiles 
were  distributed  on  the  principle  that  governs  the  rain,  falling 


256  LIFE    OF 

on  "the  unjust  as  well  as  the  just," — if  there  were  any 
"  unjust  "  in  the  Legislature  of  eighteen  hundred  and  fifty-two. 
As  to  smiles,  I  remember  reading  somewhere,  —  I  do  not 
know  whether  in  the  Bible  or  in  Shakespeare's  book,  for  I 
have  found  the  same  ideas  in  both,  —  this  line  :  — 

"  I  can  smile,  and  murder  while  I  Smilo." 

Now,  I  think  I  have  seen  smiling  politicians,  who  do  as  I  did, 
—  cover  up  a  good  deal  of  ignorance  with  a  smile,  and  a  large 
share  of  villany  also. 

I  remember  once  an  old  friend  of  mine,  who  was  a  doctor, 
a  Boston  doctor,  who  wanted  to  go  on  a  vacation,  and  upon 
being  advised  to  leave  his  business  in  the  care  of  a  profes 
sional  friend  who  had  cultivated  this  smiling  art,  replied,  "  No  ; 
if  I  should,  he  would  smile  away  from  me  all  my  patients." 
This  might  have  been  a  joke ;  but  I  maintain,  as  the  saying 
is,  you  understand,  there  is  "  more  truth  than  poetry  "  in  the 
principle.  I  am  still  of  opinion,  nevertheless,  that,  as  in  case 
of  the  flies,  "it  is  easier  to  catch  them  with  molasses  than  with 
vinegar." 

The  business  of  the  session  went  slowly  along.  I  heard 
some  good  speeches,  and  many  I  thought  no  better  ,than  that  I, 
with  the  assistance  of  Mr.  Birch,  had  made,  upon  which  I  was 
always  at  work.  The  debates  on  the  Maine  Liquor  Law  were 
instructive  to  the  crowds  of  temperance  people,  ministers,  dis 
tillers,  glass-blowers,  bottle-makers,  tavern-keepers,  barrel- 
makers,  doctors,  undertakers,  and  everybody  interested  in  the 
"utter  extinction  of  the  great  enemy  of  the  human  race," 
which  this  Legislature,  with  the  Maine  Liquor  Law,  was  to 
accomplish. 

It  was  curious  to  watch  the  movements  of  the  people,  who 
from  day  to  day  came  to  see  "which  way  the  cat  jumped." 
Looking  back  upon  what  was  said  by  many  members  on  both 
sides  of  the  question,  "it  is  astonishing  to  see  how  easy  it  is 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  257 

to  be  mistaken.  I  do  not  propose  to  reason  upon  the  subject ; 
let  that  be  determined  by  my  action  and  the  speech  it  was  my 
intention  to  make  upon  it.  I  only  say  here,  the  "  war-horses  " 
reared  and  pitched  and  kicked  on  both  sides,  and  the  colts 
in  some  degree  imitated  their  progenitors,  sufficiently  to  show 
their  breed  to  an  observer  versed  in  the  transmission  theories. 

One  bystander,  that  I  conversed  with,  said.  "  If  the  Legis 
lature  was  discussing  the  indefinite  postponement  of  the  day 
of  judgment,  there  could  be  no  more  diversity  of  opinion,  nor 
a  greater  variety  of  reasons  given  for  and  against  it ;  "  and  he 
thought  the  result  would  have  just  as  much  effect  on  rum- 
drinking  as  the  passage  of  the  Maine  Liquor  Law. 

I  thought  that  was  a  good  idea  to  put  into  a  speech  for  a 
man  who  was  opposed  to  the  law,  and  would  speak  his  mind. 
I  was  of  this  man's  opinion,  but  politically  it  would  not  do  for 
me  to  say  so. 

I  had  the  newspapers.  These  I  read  every  day,  and,  with 
the  books  furnished  to  me,  I  sent  to  the  homestead  to  my 
father  and  Aunt  Dolly,  and  once  a  week  I  had  a  letter  from 
my  father,  who  let  me  know  how  things  were  going  on,  and 
what  the  folks  in  Cranberry  Centre  said  about  me.  I  met  a 
number  of  ladies  at  Mr.  Wilson's  house,  and  began  to  like  the 
society  of  the  women,  and  sometimes  almost  wished  I  was  not 
a  bachelor,  as  some  of  the  members  had  their  wives  with  them, 
and  that  kept  them  from  being  lonesome,  as  sometimes  I  con 
fess  I  was.  I  was  afraid  to  go  walking  with  the  ladies,  though 
Mr.  Wilson's  daughter  and  I  would  sometimes  go  to  a  lecture 
or  a  concert  in  the  evening.  One  afternoon  I  went  into  the 
Museum  to  see  the  mermaid  and  the  waxwork,  and  there  I 
saw  the  pictures  of  all  the  governors,  from  Governor  Wirithrop 
down  to  Governor  Briggs.  I  used  to  hear  my  name  often 
spoken  in  the  streets,  —  "There  goes  Batkins.  I  wonder  if 
he  has  got  off  his  speech  yet."  "Well,  I  was  not  aware  that 
17 


258  LIFE    OF 

anybody  in  Boston  but  Wilson  knew  that  I  had  a  speech  writ 
ten,  and  I  had  not  yet  tried  to  get  it  off. 

So  things  passed  on.  A  letter  from  my  father,  in  answer 
to  one  I  had  written,  was  as  follows  :  — 

"  CRANBERRY  CENTRE,  Feb.  27, 1852. 

"  DEAR  SON:  —  Your  enemies  are  working  against  you.     They  say  you  don't  do 
anything,  nor  say  anything.     You  had  better  come  home  and  see  about  it. 

"  I  remain  your  father, 

"JETHRO  BATKINS. 

"P.    S.     Aunt  Dolly  says,  if  you  have  anything  that  wants  mending,  bring  it 
with  you." 

I  showed  this  to  Wilson,  who  said  he  thought  I  had  better 
attend  to  it,  as  he  said,  notwithstanding  what  I  had  done,  I 
must  look  to  my  laurels ;  for  it  was  a  truism  that  republics 
were  ungrateful.  So  might  be  towns,  and  Cranberry  Centre 
might  prove  no  exception.  He  asked  me  if  I  suspected  any 
body.  I  said  I  did  not  know ;  it  might  be  Bean,  it  might  be 
Seth  Spring,  or  it  might  be  Drystone.  He  inquired  how  it 
was  about  Mr.  Feathergilt.  I  had  given  him  an  account  of 
my  acquaintance  with  him  and  his  family.  I  told  him  I  did 
not  see  how  they  could  work  to  injure  me,  unless  Mr.  Horace 
wanted  to  come  as  a  representative  next  year.  He  advised  me, 
on  the  whole,  to  go. 

I  had  been  put  on  the  committee  on  leave  of  absence,  I  sup 
pose,  in  consequence  of  a  remark  made,  that  I  thought  members 
should  not  go  home  to  stay  any  time,  but  should  remain  and 
attend  to  the  public  business,  except  in  case  of  sickness  in 
their  families,  or  to  attend  to  funerals  or  weddings;  and  now, 
if  I  went,  I  was  to  be  the  first  to  ask  for  leave  of  absence,  and 
if  I  let  myself  go,  it  would  seem  out  of  character.  I  was 
conscientious,  if  I  did  sell  my  seat  for  twenty  dollars,  and 
I  had  scruples  how  to  act. 

Wilson  said,  politics  did  not  require  a  man  to  be  too  scrupu 
lous,  and  if  there  was  any  important  question  coming  to  a 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  259 

vote,  I  could  pair  off  with  some  member,  who  might  wish  to 
go  home  at  the  same  time,  and  who,  if  he  voted,  would  vote 
in  opposition  to  me.  He  said  dodgers  often  did  that.  I 
thought  that  was  fair,  and  made  up  my  mind  to  that  effect.  I 
fixed  in  my  mind  I  would  apply  at  the  end  of  the  week,  and 
write  to  my  father  accordingly.  The  question  was,  after  I  ar 
rived  at  home,  what  excuse  I  could  give  for  not  making  my 
speech,  for,  you  understand,  all  my  object  in  making  any 
speech  was  to  hold  up  my  end  of  the  stick,  as  we  used  to  say, 
for  Cranberry  Centre.  I  had  no  spurs  to  win. 

I  asked  a  little  friendly  advice  of  Mr.  Banks,  who  I  reckoned 
was  a  good  judge  of  such  things.  I  was  a  little  careful  in 
putting  the  question.  I  did  not  say  that  I  was  going  to  make 
any  speech,  but  I  asked  him  if  a  young  member  was  going  to 
make  a  speech,  when  was  the  best  time.  I  think  he  guessed 
it  was  about  myself,  after  all,  u  for  "  said  he,  "  when  a  mem 
ber  has  anything  to  say  upon  a  question,  and  feels  sure  he 
is  right,  and  knows  what  he  wants  to  say,  one  time  is  as  good 
as  another,  Mr.  Batkins."  Some  of  the  ablest  men,  he  said, 
had  failed  in  their  first  speeches,  and  he  named  the  present  Mr. 
Bonaparte,  who,  he  said,  made  a  very  bad  job  of  his  maiden 
speech,  in  the  French  General  Court,  but  afterwards  could  say 
what  he  had  to  say,  as  well  as  any  of  them. 

I  felt  a  little  flattered  with  these  remarks ;  it  gave  me 
courage,  you  understand,  and  since  then  I  have  kept  this  Mr. 
Bonaparte  in  my  mind,  and  with  the  light  of  history  before 
me,  I  am  astounded  at  what  the  Frenchman  has  done  from 
such  small  beginnings.  To  be  sure,  he  had  some  of  the  fam 
ily  blood  of  the  Corsican  race  in  him. 

Now.  if  my  father  had  been  like  Mr.  Bonaparte's  uncle,  per 
haps  the  name  of  Batkins  might  yet  grace  the  roll  of  Presi 
dents  of  the  United  States.  It  cannot  be  any  of  my  nephews, 
you  understand,  so  if  it  comes  at  all  it  must  come  in  the  di 
rect  line.  I  really  confess,  as  I  feel  now,  I  should  like  to  live 


2CO  LIFK    OF 

to  see  a  Batkins  in  tlmt  high  office.  But  this  must  seem  like 
speculating  on  futurity,  as  my  reader  knows  at  this  time  I  was 
unmarried,  and  had  no  woman  in  my  eye  ''to  fill  the  vacancy," 
—  now  and  then  these  phrases  come  into  my  mind,  though  I  do 
all  I  can  to  keep  them  out.  I  may  as  well  state  here  that 
Abby  Bacon  did  not  come  to  Boston,  and  that  I  never  had 
the  pleasure  of  meeting  her  aunt.  I  cannot  tell  to  this  day 
what  the  serpent  Bilky  meant  by  taking  me  to  the  "  Saints' 
Rest." 

If  you  want  anything  of  committees,  it  is  not  a  bad  idea 
to  be  on  a  committee  yourself,  on  the  principle,  a  little  varied, 
that  charity  begins  at  home.  I  find  it  does  so  begin,  and  so  ends, 
with  some  people  in  office,  who  u  strain  at  a  gnat  "  and  •'  swal 
low  a  camel"  when  it  is  necessary  to  provide  for  their  own 
relations  out  of  the  public  funds,  a  great  many  more  times 
used  as  charity  funds  than  the  people  who  put  up  the  money 
think  of. 

I  had  resigned  my  place  on  the  committee,  but  at  a  proper 
time  I  applied  for  leave  of  absence,  and  I  was  joked  consider 
ably  by  the  committee.  Some  advised  me  to  bring  my  wife 
here.  Some  said  perhaps  her  condition  would  not  admit  of 
it.  I  told  them  I  had  no  wife.  "Perhaps  you  want  to  go 
home,  Batkins,  and  do  a  little  courting."  To  all  this  ban 
tering,  however,  I  only  laughed,  as  my  statements  were  both 
true  and  honest,  whenever  these  topics  were  introduced. 
Notwithstanding,  I  did  not  think  it  proper  to  give  the  real 
reason  of  my  going  to  Cranberry  Centre  any  further  than  that 
I  had  important  business  to  attend  to.  I  obtained  the  leave 
of  absence  for  six  days. 

My  reader  will  not  care  to  know  any  more  than  that  the 
next  morning  I  started  for  Cranberry  Centre,  and  in  due  course 
of  time  arrived  at  the  homestead. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  261 


CHAPTER   XXX. 

ON    LEAVE    OF    ABSENCE. 

I  WAS  received  at  the  homestead  with  great  joy  by  Aunt 
Dolly,  and  I  thought  my  father's  eye  was  a  little  brighter 
when  he  took  me  by  the  hand,  and  said,  "  Jeff,  I  am  glad  to 
see  you  again."  Everything  about  the  house  and  barn  ap 
peared  to  be  glad ;  the  dogs  jumped  round  and  almost 
spoke  to  me,  and  after  I  had  driven  them  away  from  my  best 
clothes,  which  the  animals  in  their  joy  seemed  to  take  no 
notice  of,  they  went  round  and  round,  wagging  their  tails 
with  delight,  as  dogs  will  when  anything  pleases  them.  This  4 
is  a  curious  manifestation,  or  way  of  showing  gladness.  If  it 
evolves  in  the  dog's  brain,  whence  comes  the  dog's  notion  of 
wagging  his  tail  ?  I  suppose  it  must  be  put  with  the  rest 
of  the  incomprehensible  things.  I  dare  say  the  dogs  know,  but 
cannot  explain.  The  horses  and  cattle  all  seemed  glad  to  see 
me  too,  and  the  smell  of  the  hay  in  the  barn  was  as  exhila 
rating  to  me  as  a  mug  of  cider  was  to  my  father  ;  and  yet  in 
this  short  absence  from  home,  I  had  changed  some.  I  must 
not  omit  to  mention  the  hired  girl,  who  appeared  as  pleased  to 
see  me  as  the  dogs  or  the  cattle,  but  expressed  her  joy,  of 
course,  in  a  totally  different  way. 

After  a  little  talk  with  my  father,  I  found  the  opposition  to 
me  was  principally  from  the  shoemaking  interests.  They  had 
a  man  among  them  that  used  to  make  speeches  evenings,  and 
the  idea  was  that  he  should  first  get  my  place  as  overseer  of 
the  poor,  as  he  said  it  was  not  consistent  with  a  republican 
government  to  have  one  man  -  hold  two  offices.  He  had  been 


262  /,//•/;  OF 

up  to  the  poor-house,  talking  to  the  inmates.  I  told  my 
father  I  did  not  see  how  much  could  come  of  that.  But  he 
said,  in  his  usual  slow  way,  "Jeff,  you  cannot  always  tell. 
This  man  Shiverings  is  a  cunning  fellow,  and  he  is  beginning 
underground,  some  way  off,  to  get  into  your  place." 

I  knew  my  father,  on  some  things,  could  "  see  as  far  into  a 
grindstone  "  as  anybody  else.  He  had  lived  some  time  on 
this  earth,  and  the  longer  I  live,  I  believe  the  more  that  there 
is  a  great  deal  in  that  saying.  ;{  The  more  you  live,  the  more  you 
see;  the  more  you  see,  the  more  you  know."  There  is  always 
a  sort  of  people  that  do  the  same  thing  over,  from  generation  to 
generation.  Now  my  father  knew  more  of  these  folks  at  the 
poor-farm  than  I  did.  He  used  to  say,  in  this  land  of  freedom 
you  could  not  always  tell  from  the  start  what  the  end  would  be, 
and  that  some  folks  set  out  in  great  shape,  and  ended  their  days 
in  the  almshouse  ;  while  some  had  their  milk  and  clothing  from 
the  same  source,  and  at  last  got  to  be  governors  and  ruling  pow 
ers.  But,  as  he  used  to  say,  folks  will  soon  forget  whose  milk 
it  was  that  raised  them,  whether  from  the  poor-farm,  or  charitable 
neighbors'  cows.  "  Now."  said  he,  "  Jeff,  there's  a  great  differ 
ence  between  rich  folks  poor,  and  poor  folks  poor ;  and,  I  am 
sorry  to  say,  on  the  poor-farm  of  Cranberry  Centre,  there  are 
some  of  these  rich  folks  poor.  They  have  an  influence,  and  if 
Shiverings  gets  hold  of  them,  he  will  bring  his  plans  to  bear 
a  little ;  besides  turning  out  Bodge's  wife's  brother,  and  his 
wife  would  follow,  as  soon  as  he  puts  himself  in  as  overseer. 
As  a  matter  of  course,  Jeff,  if  you  are  in  for  anything,  you 
must  work  to  keep  it." 

I  acknowledged  my  father's  reasoning  was  good  ;  but  still  I 
did  not  see  how  I  could  prevent  Shiverings  from  making 
speeches  to  the  shoemakers,  or  prevent  him  from  visiting  the 
poor-farm,  according  to»  the  regulations ;  and  then  as  I  put 
Bodge's  wife's  brother  and  his  wife  into  the  house,  they  ought 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  263 

to  luck  out  for  their  own  interest  when  they  were  looking  out 
for  mine. 

That  was  all  very  well,  my  father  said ;  but  one  of  the 
first  Christian  duties,  as  things  are  now  regulated,  was  for 
people  to  look  out  for  their  own  interests  first.  Shiverings 
would  begin  probably  by  getting  Bodge  to  looking  at  things  his 
way.  "  However,  Jeff,  you  can  see  them  ;  you  must  go  among 
the  shoemakers  and  make  speeches  too.  The  shoemaking  inter 
est  will  always  be  an  increasing  one  so  long  as  people  have  feet, 
and  speaking  speeches  seems  to  be  the  best  way  of  telling  peo 
ple  that  you  think  as  they  do,  whether  you  do  or  not.  Now 
you  must  make  a  stiff  speech  in  the  State  House,  as  soon  as 
you  can,  and  always  have  an  eye  to  your  own  town  ;  for 
there's  where  your  political  bread  and  butter  is  to  come  from ; 
and,  if  the  shoemakers  are  to  become  a  power,  you  must  talk 
leather ;  and  when  you  are  to  speak  to  the  cattle-dealers  and 
butchers  you  must  talk  hides  and  tallow;  and  when  to  the 
manufacturers,  you  must  talk  wool." 

I  had  never  before  heard  my  father  talk  so  much  to  the 
point.  His  advice  made  an  impression  accordingly,  and  I 
promised  to  see  to  things  before  I  went  back  to  Boston.  Said 
he,  "  There's  another  matter  people  seem  to  be  interested  in 
as  far  as  you  are  concerned,  and  I  suppose,  you  might  as  well 
know  it  now  as  any  other  time.  The  women-folks  say  you 
ought  to  be  married,  Jeff,  and  I  suppose,  if  you  are  to  remain 
in  public  life,  some  attention  must  be  paid  to  what  the  women 
folks  say.  I  have  never  much  encouraged  the  idea,  still,  as  I 
told  you  before  you  went  to  Boston,  you  are  the  last  Batkins, 
and  it  may  be  well  enough  before  you  get  to  be  much  older  to 
put  the  matter  to  rest  by  taking  some  young  woman,  not  too 
young,  nor  too  old,  for  a  wife." 

I  acknowledged  also  the  justice  of  this  remark  of  my  father, 
for  reasons  heretofore  given,  which  every  day  seemed  more 
strong. 


2G4  LJFK    OF 

The  next  day  after  my  arrival  I  devoted  the  time  in  visit 
ing  my  constituents.  I  went  over  to  the. new  city,  and  ex 
amined  the  vacant  lots,  which,  when  the  new  buildings  were 
erected  upon  them,  was  to  be  called  Batkins'  Row.  I  visited 
the  shoemakers1  shops,  and  talked  with  them  about  the  im 
provements  I  intended  to  make  on  my  lots. 

As  Shiverings  had  a  great  deal  to  say  on  the  education 
question,  I  spoke  to  these  people  on  the  propriety  of  teaching 
the  higher  branches  of  education  in  the  schools.  I  said  more 
than  I  knew  anything  about  as  to  the  effect  of  instructing  the 
masses,  and  one  of  these  operatives  proved  more  than  a  match 
for  me.  He  said  Shiveririgs  was  a  humbug.  He  wanted  to 
get  into  office,  and  that  was  all  there  was  to  him  :  said  he  had 
not  the  pleasure  of  my  acquaintance,  and  did  not  know  but 
his  views  were  different  from  mine,  and  he  did  not  care  if 
they  were ;  he  always  spoke  what  he  thought ;  he  never  begun 
a  conversation  with  anybody  on  politics  or  religion  but  he  cal 
culated  to  hold  his  own,  if  anybody  begun  on  him. 

I  informed  him  who  I  was.  He  stopped  pounding  his 
leather,  looking  up  at  me  with  one  hand  resting  on  the  lap- 
stone,  the  other  holding  the  hammer.  "Are  you  Mr.  Bat- 
kins?" 

"  I  am,  "  was  my  reply,  "  Mr.  —  " 

"-Brightson,  sir,  is  my  name.  I  have  moved  over  here 
from  Leadenville  ;  and  you  are  Mr.  Batkins,  the  representative 
that  beat  Spring  and  Drystone  by  one  vote  ?  " 

He  appeared  to  be  waiting  for  a  reply.  I  nodded  my  head 
in  assent,  but  said  nothing. 

"Well,  one  vote  sometimes  counts."  He  commenced 
pounding  again. 

I  having  assented  to  his  last  proposition  as  to  one  vote's 
counting,  he  smiled. 

'•'  Mr.  Batkins,  of  course  I  did  not  vote  for  you,  as  I  was  a 
resident  in  Leadenville,  but  if  you  had  known  beforehand 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  265 

how  close  it  was  to  be,  you  wQuld  not  have  minded  if  a  vote 
or  two  had  come  from  Leaden ville?  " 

I  said  that  would  not  be  fair  play. 

"  Fair  play  in  politics  is  another  humbug."  He  kept 
pounding. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Batkins,  how  many  men  have  claimed  that  they 
voted  in  your  favor?  " 

I  replied,    "  Not  any  that  I  have  heard  of." 

He  sharpened  his  knife  on  the  stone,  preparing  to  cut  the 
leather  into  the  required  shape.  "Mr.  Batkins,  you  won't 
be  offended  if  I  ask  you  a  question  ?  " 

I  said,  "  Certainly  not." 

Without  stopping  his  work  or  looking  at  me,  he  said,  "  Who 
did  you  vote  for  ?  ; ' 

I  paused,  and  then  said,   "  Mr.  Brightson,  I  don't  know." 
He  looked  up.      "  You  voted  for  somebody  ?  " 

II  Oh,  yes,  Mr.  Bean  handed  me  a  ticket,  and  I  supposed  it 
to  be  the  right  ticket,  and  I  did  not  suppose  he  would  give  me 
a  ticket  against  ..myself.     Whatever  ticket  that  was,  I  put  it 
into  the  box." 

He  went  to  work  again,  waxing  an  end  and  preparing  the 
bristle.  "  Then  you  elected  yourself,  Mr.  Batkins." 

I  said,  "  Possibly;  that  is  something  I  could  never  know 
without  asking  Mr.  Bean,  and  that  I  have  omitted  to  do." 

I  asked  Mr.  Brightson  if  there  was  anything  criminal  in 
voting  for  myself. 

He  said,  "  Certainly  not;  if  you  would  not  vote  for  your 
self,  how  could  you  expect  your  friends  to  vote  for  you?  "  He 
said  he  thought  I  would  do  for  a  politician  ;  but,  at  the  same 
time  to  his  mind  politics  was  a  scurvy  trade,  and  spoiled  a 
man  for  anything  else;  but  he  added,  "Mr.  Batkins,  this 
idea  of  educating  'the  masses  is  the  biggest  humbug  of  the 
whole.  When  you  educate  what  you  call  the  masses,  there  are 
no  masses  left.  Do  you  suppose  I  could  make  any  better 


2CG  LIFE    OP 

shoes  than  I  do  now  if  I  had  studied  Greek  and  Latin,  mathe 
matics,  physics,  geometry,  grammar,  music,  painting,  poetry, 
and  chemistry?  " 

I  said  I  did  not  suppose  it  would  prevent  his  being  a  good 
shoemaker,  because  he  was  acquainted  with  all  these  things. 

"  Perhaps  not;  but  do  you  suppose  I  would  be  patient,  and 
sit  here  pounding  leather  for  nine  dollars  a  week?  " 

"  Perhaps  not,1'  I  said,  "  because  there  would  be  something 
better  for  you  to  do." 

"  Yet  somebody  must  make  shoes.  Somebody  must  do  all 
the  drudgery  of  the  world.  It  is  the  masses.  Now,  you  edu 
cate  them,  as  you  call  it,  and  the  masses  will  see  you  into 
Satan's  kingdom  before  they  will  do  it.  Well  if  you  only 
half  educate  them,  it  is  just  as  bad.  I  don't  mean  anything 
personal,  Mr.  Batkins,  but  for  the  most  moral,  intellectual,  intel 
ligent  and  educated  people,  we  are  the  easiest  cheated  of  any 
people  in  the  world.  We  only  want  to  be  tickled  on  some  of 
our  weak  spots,  and  open  go  our  mouths  to  swallow  any  dose  of 
quackery  in  religion,  politics,  or  physic,  any  shrewd  knave  is 
ready  to  give  to  us.  Just  keep  on  in  the  way  you  are  going, 
keep  riding  this  bird  of  freedom  and  make-all-men-equal  hobby, 
and  you  will  find  that  your  men  of  real  education  will  go  to 
the  bottom,  and  spread-eagle  ignorance  will  take  their  place  !  " 

I  thought  I  had  had  enough  of  Mr.  Brightson's  views ;  I 
felt  as  if  he  was  almost  personal.  I  certainly  did  not  belong  to 
the  educated  class,  and  as  certainly  one  of  my  opponents,  Seth 
Spring,  did.  I  told  Mr.  Bright-son  I  was  glad  of  the  opportu 
nity  of  being  acquainted  with  him  and  his  views,  and  when  I 
returned  I  should  call  again  and  see  him.  He  said  I  was  wel 
come  to  his  views.  Somebody  had  said  there  was  a  little  cloud 
gathering,  and  one  of  these  days  it  would  burst,  and  whoever 
lived  to  see  it  would  see  a  storm  that  the  country  would  be  a 
long  time  getting  over.  I  bade  him  good-day,  and  left  his  little 
shop,  thinking  how  strange  it  was  that  the  auctioneer  should 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  2G7 

have  said  the  same  thing  when  he  was  selling  the  land  at  the 
new  city.  That  storm  came  pretty  soon,  as  Miss  Feathergilt 
and  myself  and  the  reader  will  remember. 

I  said  nothing  to  him  about  giving  some  of  my  land  for  a 
college,  if  anybody  else  would  put  up  the  building.  I  thought 
I  could  count  on  his  being  my  friend,  so  far  as  matters  went 
at  the  present  time. 

I  saw  Mr.  Bean,  who  was  agent  for  the  new  mill.  I  could 
not  tell  him  any  news  about  Boston.  He  seemed  better  posted 
as  to  what  was  going  on  at  the  State  House  than  I  was.  He 
did  not  say  anything  about  the  "Saints'  Rest;"  that  made 
me  feel  sure  that  he  did  not  know  anything  about  that  affair. 
I  wanted  to  know  about  the  sea-captain's  wife ;  but  I  did  not 
dare  to  ask  him  anything  about  her.  I  called  on  .Mrs.  Bacon, 
and  some  other  of  our  old  neighbors,  that  they  might  not  sup 
pose  I  felt  above  them  in  consequence  of  my  elevation.  By 
the  time  my  leave  of  absence  had  expired,  I  had  obtained  con 
siderable  useful  information,  and  had  a  pretty  good  lay  of  the 
land.  I  had  made  inquiries  around  how  they  felt  on  the 
Maine  liquor  question,  and  of  course  there  was  much  difference 
of  opinion.  I  had  a  notion  that  I  ought  to  stay  until  the 
town-meeting  day ;  but  before  that  time  my  leave  of  absence 
would  expire.  I  was  gratified,  in  reading  in  the  paper,  that 
the  Legislature  would  adjourn  over  until  after  the  spring  elec 
tion.  In  that  case,  I  need  not  return  on  my  appointed  day. 

Mr.  Bean  said  I  had  better  stay  to  vote  at  town-meeting 
and  be  seen  by  my  friends ;  they  were  dissatisfied  with  my 
silence ;  said  there  was  something  in  the  wind  about  making 
Cranberry  Centre  a  city,  and  when  I  went  back  to  Boston  I 
had  better  get  introduced  to  the  mayor,  and  see  how  the  alder 
men  did  their  business,  as  I  might  some  day  want  to  be  a 
mayor  or  an  alderman  myself. 

I  was  pleased  with  Bean's  idea,  and  concluded  I  would  take 
his  advice.  I  occupied  myself  for  the  benefit  of  my  constituents. 


2C8  LIFE    OF 

There  was  nothing  of  especial  interest  to  those  outside  of 
Cranberry  Centre  at  the  town-meeting,  party  politics  were 
not  introduced.  I  voted;  felt  a  little  different  from  what 
I  had  at  other  town-meetings.  I  suppose  because  I  was  a  re 
presentative,  I  was  treated  with  great  respect. 

I  had  quite  an  interview  with  Dr.  Slawter ;  but  my  final 
conversation  with  Aunt  Dolly  convinced  me  that  lady's  inter 
est  in  my  affairs  was  founded  upon  no  mercenary  motives,  and 
with  no  hope  of  reward.  Upon  my  informing  her,  on  the 
Sunday  evening  previous  to  the  day  of  departure,  that  I  was 
well  satisfied  with  matters  in  Boston,  she  asked  me  what  kind 
of  house-keeping  there  was  at  Mr.  Wilson's,  and  who  did  the 
work.  I  told  her  that  I  had  made  no  especial  inquiries  in 
that  respect,  but  there  was  a  girl  they  called  Biddy,  who 
seemed  to  do  the  heaviest  kinds  of  work ;  then  there  was  a 
lady  who  was  the  aunt,  I  thought,  of  Mr.  Wilson's  daughter, 
—  a  nice,  pretty  girl,  the  same  that  was  up  here  visiting, 
only  now  she  was  about  fit  to  be  married  if  she  wanted  to  be. 
I  noticed  there  were  a  great  many  young  men  came  in  occa 
sionally,  and  the  three  women  did  the  work  between  them,  as 
I  should  judge. 

"Jefferson,  I  want  you  to  answer  me  one  question:  have 
you  seen  any  woman  in  Boston  that  you  thought  you  should 
like  to  marry?" 

"  Well,  Aunt  Dolly,  to  speak  the  truth,  there  are  some 
pretty  handsome  women  in  Boston,  I  can  tell  you ;  and  if  I 
was  condemned  to  be  married  or  to  be  hung,  I  think  I  should 
choose  the  first,  if  I  had  my  pick  out  of  some  that  I  saw  in 
Boston.  They  do  walk  off  on  their  toes  so  nice,  Aunt  Dolly, 
and  go  with  such  a  swing !  " 

"  You  have  not  spoken  your  mind  to  any  of  these  fine 
ladies?" 

"Bless  your  soul,  Aunt  Dolly,  no.  You  know  I  have  not 
thought  of  marrying." 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  2C9 

"  Jefferson,  if  you  are  going  to  Boston,  I  think  you  had 
Jbetter  marry.  You  have  arrived  at  a  time  of  life  now,  when 
you  ought  to  find  some  steady,  honest  woman,  to  look  after 
matters  at  the  homestead." 

I  told  Aunt  Dolly  that  I  had  not  set  my  mind  on  anybody, 
and  I  wished  that  she  would  tell  me  who  there  was  in  Cran 
berry  Centre  that  would  come  up  to  her  idea. 

Aunt  Dolly  did  not  know  that  she  was  acquainted  with 
anybody  that  was  just  the  thing,  and  she  did  not  believe  in 
match-making.  She  thought  the  way  that  marriages  were  gen 
erally  made  by  the  young  folks  did  not  turn  out  well.  First 
place,  she  said,  "  This  nonsensical  stuff  they  call  love  haint 
got  any  last  to  it.  They  say  it  must  always  come  to  folks ; 
but  it  is  bad  to  let  it  lead  you  off  in  a  hurry.  It's  natural  for 
girls  to  want  to  get  married  ;  some  for  a  living,  some  to  get 
rid  of  work,  and  some  for  one  thing,  and  some  for  another. 
And  I  suppose  the  young  men,  when  they  see  a  girl  all  dressed 
up  fine,  do  think  that's  the  way  she  always  is ;  but,  Jefferson, 
it  iiint  so  ;  when  a  girl  is  going  to  a  sleigh-ride  or  a  ball,  or 
to  meeting,  it's  a  different  thing  to  when  she  is  going  to  a  wash- 
tub  or  dairy-work." 

I  told  Aunt  Dolly  I  agreed  with  her,  and  as  to  love,  my 
experience  in  that  direction  was  only  with  Sarah  Trivetts,  and 
then  I  was  young  and  soon,  got  over  it. 

"  Ah,  Jefferson,  only  think  what  you  escaped.  That  artful 
baggage  !  How  many  men's  lives  have  been  spoiled  just  in 
that  way  !  —  gentlemen's  sons,  too,  Jeff.  It's  dreadful  !  If 
a  man  has  such  a  wife,  and  rises  in  the  world,  as  you  will,  Jeff, 
what  can  he  do  with  her?  and  such  imps  of  mischief,  they 
never  die.  Now,  Jefferson,  you  always  was  an  honest,  square- 
acting  boy.  You  have  your  faults  ;  but  they  are  on  the  good 
side,  after  all.  I  am  sorry  that  you  ever  went  into  politics  ; 
but,  as  you  have,  I  hope  you  will  do  well  ;  and  though  I  did 
all  I  could  to  keep  you  from  getting  married  in  your  younger 


270  LIFE    OF 

days,  I  think  the  time  has  come  when  you  ought  to  have  a 
wife,  —  a  good  woman  who  knows  how  to  work,  and  knows, 
how  to  be  a  lady  at  the  proper  time.  But,  Jeff,  don't  you 
marry  any  of  these  poor  ladies,  these  people  whose  fathers 
were  once  rich  and  proud.  When  the  money's  gone,  and 
there's  only  the  pride  left,  I  pity  the  man  who  has  to  live  with 
them.  And,  Jefferson,  don't  you  marry  into  a  large  family, 
for  the  sake  of  one  of  them.  When  you  bring  your  wife  home 
to  the  farm,  there  will  be  no  mother-in-law  to  domineer  over 
her.  A  man's  wife  should  be  mistress  of  her  own  house,  Jef 
ferson  ;  and  when  yours  comes  home,  I  am  ready  to  give  up 
the  keys  to  her.  I  shall  not  live  much  longer,  and  while  I  do 
I  shall  try  to  make  things  comfortable  ;  and  if  your  new  wife 
will  let  me,  Jeff,  I  should  like  to  keep  the  little  back  chamber, 
•where  I  have  slept  so  many  years,  until  I  am  ready  to  be  car 
ried  to  the  graveyard,  to  sleep  with  the  friends  of  my  young 
days  who  have  gone  home  before  me." 

Says  I,  "  Aunt  Dolly,  don't  talk  so ;  you  are  good  to  live 
as  long  as  any  of  us ;  and  as  to  the  little  bed  chamber,  you 
shall  keep  it  as  long  as  I  own  a  foot  of  land  on  the  farm. 
And  as  to  my  wife,  Aunt  Dolly,  if  there  is  any  such  person 
now  living,  I  will  make  her  promise  to  love  you,  Aunt  Dolly, 
before  I  agree  to  go  with  her  to  the  minister  to  make  us  one.  I 
should  not  like  a  woman  that  did  not  like  you,  Aunt  Dolly." 

"Well,  well,  Jefferson,  we  shall  see.  Are  you  telling  me 
the  truth  now  ?  It  is  not  that  woman  that  came  here  with  the 
books,  that  set  you  to  reading  after  she  went  to  ride  with 
you  that  you  are  thinking  on  ?  " 

"  Miss  Amanda?  —  oh}  no,  Aunt  Dolly." 

"  I  am  glad  to  hear  you  say  so,  Jefferson.  The  idea,  too, 
of  her  reading  '  Robinson  Crusoe  :  because  you  did  !  " 

"  I  don't  see  any  harm  in  that." 

"  All  art,  Jefferson,  all  art.  If  you  marry  her,  you  will  find 
no  such  book  as  that  in  her  hand,  but  you  will  find  yourself 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  271 

as  bad  off  in  house-keeping  as  Robinson  Crusoe  was  on  his 
island. " 

Aunt  Dolly  did  not  like  Miss  Feathergilt,  that  was  certain ; 
and  at  mention  of  her  name  there  was  that  rigidity  of  lips, 
that  dilatation  of  nostril  and  expression  of  the  eye,  that  indi 
cated  the  positiveness  of  her  character  beyond  any  doubt.  I 
thought  I  would  pacify  her  a  little  by  a  new  assurance  that 
there  was  no  love  between  us,  and  also,  you  understand,  my 
admiration  for  "  Robinson  Crusoe."  I  said,  "  Aunt  Dolly,  I 
am  not  so  much  engaged  now  in  reading  '  Robinson  Crusoe  ' 
as  I  was."  I  told  her  I  thought  there  were  books  better 
calculated  for  my  advanced  years.  Since  I  read  the  "His 
tory  of  Rome"  and  had  Mr.  Birch's  lessons,  of  course  I  put 
aside  my  old  friend,  "  Robinson  "  ;  but,  said  I,  "  Aunt  Dolly, 
you  know  one  of  your  earliest  lessons  to  me  was,  never  to 
desert  old  friends  for  new  ones ;  so  that  I  shall  not  hear  any 
body  blamed  solely  on  account  of  a  liking  for  one  of  my  old 
friends." 

"  I  do  not  blame  you  for  that,  Jefferson,  but  I  tell  you 
again,  you  are  like  your  father  in  your  disposition.  It  is  easy 
for  friends  to  deceive  you.  Now,  your  father's  wife,  your 
mother,  Jefferson,  she  was  —  Well,  she  is  dead ;  no  matter, 
she  was  your  mother,  and  I  won't  disturb  things  of  long 
ago." 

"  Am  I  like  her,  Aunt  Dolly?  " 

"  No,  Jefferson,  not  a  morsel."  She  spoke  quickly  and  with 
emphasis.  "  She  ought  to  have  been  a  man,  — that's  all  there 
is  about  it.  She  was  married  out  of  spite.  Your  father,  Jeffer 
son,  liked  another  girl,  and  I  think  he  would  have  married  her, 
but  Abby  Withaspoon  said  it  should  not  be  ;  and  she  married 
him  out  of  spite,  and  the  neighbors  said  she  died  out  of  spite." 

' '  Aunt  Dolly,  I  have  always  wondered  why  you  did  not 
get  married.  If  I  could  find  just  such  a  girl  as  yo'u  were,  at 
the  right  age  for  me,  I  would  not  look  any  further." 


272  LIFE    OF 

"I  suppose  nobody  wanted  me,  Jefferson.  At  any  rate,  I 
was  left  over,  as  my  father  said." 

Aunt  Dolly  appeared  satisfied  with  my  statement ;  said  she 
should  see  that  I  had  a  good  breakfast  ready.  As  I  l}ad  this 
time  no  travelling-bag,  she  would  put  me  up  a  luncheon  in  a  nice 
little  box,  and  would  also  do  up  a  pair  or  two  of  new  footings 
she  had  knit  for  me  during  my  absence,  and  a  couple  of  clean 
shirts.  I  thanked  her,  bade  her  good-night,  and  she  left  me 
to  ponder  as  I  might  upon  the  future  whenever  I  was  alone. 

Bean  was  uppermost  in  my  thoughts.  It  seemed  to  me,  in 
the  new  light  of  things,  that  I  could  never  forgive  him  for  the 
assault  made  upon  me  at  the  house  of  the  sea-captain's  wife, 
and  the  cheat  of  the  store  affairs.  I  often  had  the  disposition 
to  serve  him  in  the  same  way,  for  I  was  no  coward,  if  attacked 
by  a  man  or  a  wild  bull :  in  a  physical  sense  I  could  have 
rolled  Bean's  bones  out  of  his  skin  with  great  ease.  My  reader 
knows  at  first  how  he  restrained  me,  in  consequence  of  my 
moral  weakness,  and  his  present  position  and  influence  in 
Cranberry  Centre  were  as  unaccountable  as  any  other  part 
of  his  history.  The  next  morning,  after  a  good  breakfast, 
in  accordance  with  Aunt  Dolly's  promise,  in  which  she  and  my 
father  participated,  I  left  the  homestead  just  in  time  to  secure 
a  passage  in  the  express  train,  which  in  due  time  arrived  in 
Boston.  Nothing  occurred  on  the  way  worthy  of  notice.  I 
did  not  require  the  services  of  a  hackman,  but  walked  boldly 
out  of  the  depot  with  my  umbrella,  my  bundle  of  shirts  and 
footings,  and  the  remains  of  my  lunch,  which  I  bestowed  on  a 
ragged  little  fellow  who  asked  me  for  some  pennies  to  buy 
bread.  I  was  not  long  in  finding  my  way  to  my  friend 
Wilson's,  and,  strange  as  it  may  appear,  my  feelings  were  as 
if  I  had  arrived  at  home,  though  but  a  few  hours  since  I 
left  the  place  in  which  I  was  born  and  had  lived  for  a  space 
of  time  occupying  between,  thirty  and  forty  years,  more  or 
less. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  273 


CHAPTER   XXXI. 

BACK   AGAIN. 

I  WAS  welcomed  back  by  Mr.  Wilson  and  the  members  of 
his  family.  Wilson  asked  me  what  the  farmers  thought  of  the 
cider  clause  in  the  liquor  bill. 

I  told  him  what  my  father  said ;  that  he  considered  it  the 
most  healthy  beverage  ever  made,  and  that  as  long  as  apples 
grew  he  should  make  cider,  and  drink  it,  and  sell  it,  or  give  it 
away,  just  as  he  pleased,  law  or  no  law.  Aunt  Dolly  said  if  the 
men  could  not  do  any  better  than  to  go  to  Boston  and  make  laws 
as  to  what  people  should  not  eat  and  drink,  she  thought  the 
women  had  better  go  to  the  State  House ;  and  the  sooner  the 
better. 

She  said  Old  King  George  did  undertake  to  make  folks  pay 
a  tax  on  tea,  and  they  resolved  they  would  not  drink  it ;  arid 
to  make  sure  of  it,  and  not  to  be  led  into  temptation,  they 
threw  the  tea  overboard ;  and  if  the  General  Court  tried  to  stop 
people  drinking  cider,  they  would  not  throw  it  overboard,  but 
they  would  drink  more  than  ever,  if  they  had  to  go  to  Eng 
land  to  get  the  apples  to  make  it  of. 

I  told  Wilson  I  thought  it  would  not  do  to  pass  the  liquor 
law,  and  the  general  idea  was  that  it  could  not  go  through  the 
Legislature,  and  if  it  did  the  governor  would  veto  it. 

When  I  went  up  to  the  State  House  there  was  a  general 
shaking  of  hands,  and  exchanging  views,  and  talk  about  the 
town-meetings.  I  was  joked  a  little  on  being  an  old  head  for 
getting  leave  of  absence  just  before  the  usual  time  of  adjourn 
ment.  As'  usual  I  smiled,  said  yes,  and  was  pleased  to  hear 


274  L1FR    OF 

them  repeat,  "  Batkins  is  an  old  head."  My  reader  knows 
very  well  whether  in  this  case  I  deserved  the  appellation.  I 
really  felt  like  taking  a  new  start  after  my  return  to  Boston. 

One  of  the  Boston  members,  after  I  had  had  some  conver 
sation  with  him  on  the  subject,  said  it  would  give  him  great 
pleasure  to  introduce  me  to  the  mayor  of  Boston.  We  went  to 
the  City  Hall  together,  and  I  was  introduced  to  the  mayor,  who 
was  called  His  Honor,  it  appeared.  He  seemed  to  be  of  about 
the  same  importance  in  the  City  Hall  that  the  governor  is  in 
the  State  House,  who  is  called  His  Excellency.  I  thought  of 
what  Bean  said  about  my  being  mayor  of  Cranberry  Centre. 
My  neck  stiffened  a  little  at  the  idea.  I  was  introduced  to 
some  of  the  aldermen,  who  had  just  been  holding  a  special  ses 
sion.  This  board  appeared  to  be  in  the  city  government  like 
the  Senate  up  at  the  State  House.  I  was  invited  to  visit  the 
city  institutions.  I  accepted  this  courtesy  in  behalf  of  Cran 
berry  Centre,  with  a  promise  to  avail  myself  of  the  first  op 
portunity  public  business  would  permit. 

On  a  subsequent  evening  I  visited  what  they  called  the 
lower  branch,  in  session  ;  but  the  council  room,  as  they  called 
it,  was  in  the  upper  story  of  the  City  Hall. 

This  City  Council  was  like  the  House  of  Representatives, 
spoken  of  as  the  popular  branch,  of  which  I  was  a  member, 
generally  composed,  as  I  was  informed,  of  the  most  wealthy 
and  influential  citizens,  who  held  the  purse-strings  of  the 
treasury.  I  was  naturally  interested  in  their  debates.  I  was 
politely  shown  to  a  seat  near  the  president  of  the  City  Coun 
cil,  who  was  afterwards  chosen  governor  of  the  Commonwealth. 

I  noticed  one  gentleman  of  the  City  Council,  who  was  a 
member  of  the  House.  I  had  not  been  introduced  to  him ; 
but  as  my  case  was  something  like  his,  that  is,  holding  two 
offices  in  the  gift  of  the  people  at  the  same  time,  I  thought 
I  should  like  to  have  his  views,  if  anybody  should  call  my  case 
in  question.  I  retired  before  the  council  adjourned  with  my 


JEFFERSON  S.    RASKINS.  275 

friend,  who  introduced  me  to  the  city  messenger,  a  gentleman 
who  appeared  to  perform  similar  duties  to  those  of  the  cour 
teous  major,  of  the  State  House.  He  said  if  we  would  go  with 
him  a  short  distance  there  were  some  friends,  engaged  at  a 
committee  meeting,  he  had  no  doubt  would  be  glad  to  see  us. 

We  left  .the  City  Hall,  and  travelled,  as  he  said,  a  short  dis 
tance.  I  never  knew  exactly  where  the  place  was,  as  the 
night  was  dark  and  we  went,  as  near  as  I  could  judge,  through 
a  very  narrow  street,  or  a  moderately  wide  lane  for  Boston. 

We  found  the  committee  in  session.  Being  only  an  in 
vited  guest,  I  did  not  feel  authorized  to  inquire  what  subject 
had  been  referred  to  them  for  "  consideration  and  report."  All 
I  have  to  say  is,  ther.e  was  a  fine  supper  on  the  table,  and 
after  my  introduction  .1  was  invited  to  participate,  and  I  say 
here  that  I  accepted  the  invitation,  and  enjoyed  the  supper 
and  the  company  very  much,  without  damage  to  the  contents 
of  my  pocket-book.  This,  on  my  way  home,  led  me  to  think 
I  had  made  a  mistake  in  not  getting  on  to  some  committees  at 
the  State  House ;  but  upon  a  subsequent  inquiry  I  learned  the 
committee  business  of  the  State  House  was  a  very  different 
thing  from  that  at  the  City  Hall. 

On  the  whole,  I  thought  I  had  an  insight  into  some  things 
that  might  be  useful  to  me  if  Cranberry  Centre  ever  was  made 
a  city  in  my  day,  and  I  should  be  a  member  of  its  city  gov 
ernment. 

As  I  did  not  indulge  in  the  use  of  wines  or  other  exciting 
beverages,  nor  use  tobacco  in  any  form,  I  had  not  added  much 
to  the  expenses  of  the  city  committee,  from  whose  action  my 
ideas  flowed  on  municipal  matters,  to  use  a  rhetorical  figure. 


276  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER   XXXII. 

MY  FIRST   VISIT   TO    SEE  A  PLAY  AT  THE  MUSEUM    PLAYHOUSE. 

AMONG  the  amusements  designed  to  fill  the  leisure  time 
of  the  people  of  Boston  and  the  neighboring  towns,  plays  at 
the  theatres,  of  which  there  were  several  in  the  city,  appeared 
to  be  the  most  popular.  I  have  heretofore  referred  to  Cran 
berry  Centre  as  in  some  respects  a  model  town.  The  puri 
tanical  idea  of  the  Pilgrim  fathers,  as  to  amusements,  had 
been  preserved  in  the  families  of  their  descendants,  with  quite 
as  much  expressed  veneration  as  for  the  dinner-pots,  frying-pans, 
teakettles,  teacups,  teapots,  chairs,  bedquilts,  and  other  verita 
ble  utensils  of  domestic  use.  still  to  be  found  in  the  private 
museums  of  many  citizens,  endorsed  from  generation  to  genera 
tion  as  part  of  the  freight  of  the  Mayflower.  In  Cranberry  Centre 
up  to  the  time  of  my  representing  it  in  the  General  Court,  no 
circus,  or  play-acting  show,  had  been  allowed  ;  all  attempts  at 
spreading  their  allurements  were  made  abortive  by  the  steady 
opposition  of  the  selectmen.  They  had  a  circus  show  some 
times,  on  the  other  side  of  the  river  at  Leadenville.  In  my 
boyish  days  I  had  heard  mention  of  it.  I  remember,  after 
the  circus  show  had  been  there,  seeing  some  boys  of  low 
degree  standing  upon  their  heads  and  hands  with  their  feet 
against  the  walls  of  the  houses.  I  was  told  these  were  in  part 
the  antics  performed  by  the  circus-riders,  that  had  inspired 
these  urchins  in  the  development  of  the  atoms  of  their  gym 
nastic  predilections.  I  had  also  heard  of  some  funniinents 
spoken  of  as  part  of  the  clown's  performance,  — a  personage  of 
importance  in  a  circus  show,  with  whom  since  I  have  had  some 


JEFFERSON  s'  £  ATKINS.  277 

acquaintance,  and  acknowledge  that  I  have  had  instruction 
blended  with  amusement  and  moral  reflections,  during  the  time 
employed  in  listening  to  his  comical  discourses. 

I  had  attended  but  one  place  of  amusement,  strictly  speak 
ing,  in  Boston,  though  I  had  been  much  amused  while  at 
tending  other  places,  you  understand,  not  set  down  as  such. 
My  visit  to  the  Museum,  to  see  the  mermaid,  and  the  wax 
work,  and  like  exhibitions  of  natural  history,  required  no  con 
cession  to  some  scrupulousness  I  had  as  to  the  morality  of 
a  legislator  visiting  them,  particularly  a  member  from  Cran 
berry  Centre.  I  was  fond  of  a  good  joke,  though  laughing, 
except  for  diplomatic  purposes,  was  not  an  accomplishment  on 
my  list  of  social  interchanges.  I,  nevertheless,  saw  the  fun 
of  a  thing,  and  was  gratified  without  too  much  outward  ex 
pression. 

The  talk  at  the  tea-table,  one  evening,  was  about  a  new  play 
at  the  Museum,  and  as  I  had  no  engagement  it  was  suggested 
that  I  should  go  with  Miss  Wilson  and  see  the  play.  At  the 
time  I  had  no  more  idea  of  what  a  play  was,  you  understand, 
than  a  child  unweaned. 

At  the  proper  time  I  started  with  Miss  Wilson,  and  as  it 
was  not  far  to  go  to  the  Museum,  we  soon  arrived  at  the  door. 
A  great  crowd  of  people  were  struggling  to  get  in,  while 
others  were  pushing  their  way  to  a  sort  of  open  window  to  get 
tickets,  with  which  Miss  Wilson  was  already  provided.  We 
passed  in  with  the  crowd.  Many  persons  had  arrived  inside  the 
playhouse  part  of  the  building.  A  boy  handed  us  a  piece  of 
printed  paper,  as  we  went  in,  which  Miss  Wilson  said  was  the 
play-bill.  I  asked  her  what  it  was  for.  She  said  it  contained, 
besides  the  titles  of  the  plays,  the  performers'  names,  and 
sometimes  a  description  of  the  scenes  as  they  were  shown  in 
the  course  ofv  the  play.  I  put  my  bill  in  my  pocket.  As  I 
did  not  care  what  the  name  of  the  play  was,  nor  what  the  play 
actors'  names  were,  I  did  not  see  how  it  could  be  of  any  use  to 


278  LIFE   OF 

me.  We  found  two  seats  close  together,  unoccupied.  She  said 
they  were  very  good  seats.  My  own  idea  was  that  it  would 
be  a  pretty  close  squeezing  if  all  the  people  we  left  behind  us 
were  coming  in.  I  watched  the  countenances  of  the  people  as 
they  came  in,  and  all  seemed  ready  to  laugh,  they  were  so 
pleased. 

I  had  been  to  meeting  evenings  and  on  thanksgiving  day, 
when  everybody  was  thinking  of  roast  turkey  and  plum-pud 
ding,  besides  the  governor's  proclamation  to  give  thanks  for 
good  times  past ;  but  I  never  saw,  so  many  people  with  real 
thanksgiving  faces  as  were  now  filling  this  playhouse  part  of 
the  Museum.  I  don't  know  how  it  was,  but  the  atmosphere  was 
different  from  any  I  ever  experienced.  I  felt  full  of  expecta 
tion  of  something,  I  did  not  know  what.  I  had  heard  of  per 
formances  with  laughing  gas,  and  Dr.  Slawter  explained  it  a 
little  to  me,  but  it  was  not  clear  in  my  mind.  I  wondered 
if  this  playhouse  had  a  supply  of  the  gas,  or  whether  the  jokes 
were  so  good  that  the  atmosphere  was  impregnated  with  them, 
and  so  kept  from  one  day  to  another.  I  began  to  feel  as  much 
excited  as  any  of  them,  though  not  knowing  what  was  to  come. 
I  have  since  seen  plays  in  a  number  of  theatres.  From  some 
of  the  newspapers  I  found  out  that  the  men  and  women  I  saw 
were  great  performers.  And  yet  I  have  not  got  that  idea  out 
of  me  yet,  you  understand,  that  there  is  a  different  smell  to 
a  theatre  from  any  other  place  of  amusement  or  religious  en 
terprise.  I  cannot  explain  it ;  I  only  think  it  is  so,  and  the 
Museum  is  no  exception  to  the  rule,  whether  it  is  the  plays  or 
the  people  that  make  this  aromatical  theatre  odour. 

The  Museum  theatre  was  a  handsome  kind  of  a  room 
with  a  gallery  round  on  the  second  story,  something  like  some 
meeting-houses,  only  there  was  no  pulpit.  There  was  a  place 
in  front,  just  before  you  come  to  a  platform,  with  a  railing 
round  it,  and  some  music-stands,  with  music  on  them.  I  sup- 


JEFFERSON   S.    fiATKTNS.  279 

posed  these  were  the  singing-seats,  and  was  rather  glad  to 
think  I  had  got  a  place  so  near  the  singers.  There  was  a 
great  picture  crossing  the  room.  I  asked  Miss  Wilson  what  it 
was.  She  said  it  was  the  curtain,  and  behind  it  was  the  stage. 
They  let  the  lights  up  a  little,  and  it  was  a  handsome  sight  to  see 
so  many  pretty  women  all  around  me,  their  mouths  laughing, 
and  their  eyes  shining,  the  ribbons  flying,  and  the  young  fel 
lows  mixing  in  and  enjoying  all  their  delights.  Now  and  then 
there  would  be  seen  one  or  two  serious-looking  people,  who  were 
wiping  their  spectacles,  and  waiting  to  see  the  play,  without 
wasting  any  of  their  exuberance  among  other  subjects. 

A  bell  rang,  and  the  musicians  came  into  the  pen  that  was 
parted  off  by  the  fence,  and  began  to  play  some  music,  which 
pleased  me  very  much;  but  the  rest  of  the  people  paid  but 
little  attention  to  it.  It  was  not  long  before  another  bell  rang, 
the  curtain  was  rolled  up,  and  a  room  appeared  all  furnished 
with  a  fireplace,  a  fire,  and  everything  just  as  I  had  seen  it, 
and  not  much  unlike  Wilson's  where  I  put  up.  A  mid 
dle-aged  woman  came  in,  that  reminded  me  of  Aunt  Dolly 
some  years  before, —  a  kind  of  house-keeper,  I  thought.  She 
was  putting  up  tea  and  sugar  in  a  basket,  to  give  to  some  poor 
woman,  I  judged,  as  she  was  talking  it  to  herself.  I  took  to 
this  house-keeper  directly,  she  was  dressed  up  so  nicely,  and 
appeared  to  be  such  a  benevolent  lady.  She  put  on  her  spec 
tacles  and  began  to  read  a  newspaper ;  then  a  man  came  in ; 
they  had  some  talk  together.  She  did  not  like  him.  He  ap 
peared  to  be  looking  round  among  the  papers  in  a  sly  way.  I 
took  him  to  be  a  lawyer,  and  I  was  not  mistaken.  The  house 
keeper  put  down  the  paper,  and  went  to  knitting.  I  rather 
took  to  this  house-keeper  more  and  more,  and  before  she  got 
through  I  thought  she  was  about  the  pattern  for  a  wife  for  me, 
on  some  accounts. 

.  A  middle-aged  gentleman  came  in,  covered  with  snow.     I 
said,  "  Miss  Wilson,  it  is  snowing."  —  "  No,"  she  whispered, 


280  LIFE    OF 

"that's  in  the  play."  -"Why,  yes,"  I  whispered,  "  he  'has 
just  come  from  out-doors."  He  took  off  his  overcoat  and  hat, 
pulled  a  letter  out  of  his  pocket,  and  went  to  the  fireplace  to  warm 
himself.  He  saw  the  lawyer,  and  they  began  to  talk,  and  the 
house-keeper  went  out  of  the  room.  I  was  sorry  for  that.  After 
considerable  talk  about  some  wills,  and  such  matters,  the  lawyer 
brought  in  a  ragged-looking  fellow,  and  said  he  was  somebody's 
heir.  They  talked  a  little  more,  and  according  to  the  drift  of 
the  conversation,  as  I  understood  it,  the  lawyer  did  not  do 
exactly  as  he  intended  when  he  came  in.  The  house-keeper 
came  back ;  the  man  called  her  Aunt  Hannah,  and  they  talked 
something  about  his  daughter,  and  somebody  being  "  born  with 
a  silver  spoon,"  according  to  the  old  saying.  That  was  the 
name  of  the  play,  though  I  did  not  see  how  much  of  a  play 
could  come  out  of  a  silver  spoon.  Then  his  daughter  came  in. 
Her  name  was  Sarah.  She  was  a  picture  to  look  at,  and 
changed  my  mind  a  little.  I  thought  I  would  rather  have  her 
for  a  wife  than  the  house-keeper.  She  appeared  to  keep  her 
father's  books,  and  was  busy  at  the  desk,  overhauling  papers. 
Her  father  gave  a  letter  to  the  house-keeper.  Says  he,  "  Aunt 
Hannah,  here's  a  letter  from  an  old  friend  of  the  family,  from 
Cranberry  Centre."  She  took  the  letter,  and  when  I  heard 
that  name,  I  began  to  prick  up  my  ears  to  see  who  this  family 
knew  at  Cranberry  Centre.  Aunt  Hannah  said  she  had  no 
spectacles,  and  asked  the  young  lady,  Sarah,  if  she  would  not 
read  the  letter.  Aunt  Hannah  gave  Sarah  the  letter,  and  sat 
down  to  her  knitting.  Sarah  sat  alongside  of  her,  before  the 
fire,  which  was  sparkling  up,  and  the  two  ladies  looked  so 
cosey  I  almost  wanted  to  get  up  on  the  platform,  as  they 
called  the  stage,  and  join  them,  though  I  had  never  seen  either 
of  them  before.  Sarah  was  reading  the  letter  to  herself,  and, 
I  thought,  laughing  a  little  at  something  there  was  in  it,  arid 
the  people  in  the  theatre  began  to  laugh  too.  I  suppose  some 
of  them  had  heard  it  read  before,  for,  as  I  understood  it,  "The 


JEFFERSON   S.    It  ATKINS.  281 

Silver  Spoon  "  had  been  acted  out  in  Mr.  Kimball's  Museum, 
a  number  of  times.  I  confess,  I  had  a  kind  of  extra  notion 
to  hear  it,  but  then  there  was  a  good  reason,  — it  came  from 
Cranberry  Centre.  I  did  not  suppose  there  was  another  per 
son  in  the  playhouse  that  came  from  our  town. 

I  looked  round,  but  I  did  not  see  any  one  that  I  knew. 
Aunt  Hannah,  as  they  called  her,  pretended  that  she  was  in  no 
hurry  to  hear  the  letter,  but  still  she  asked  Sarah  to  read  it 
aloud,  and  kept  on  knitting  as  usual,  only  I  thought-  that  she 
was  a  little  more  jerky  with  her  fingers,  you  understand,  as  she 
moved  the  needles;  then  Sarah  said,  "Aunt,  this  is  from  an 
admirer  of  yours.  I've  heard  father  speak  of  him." 

Miss  Sarah  read  the  letter.  I  would  not  undertake  to  put 
it  in  here,  but  I  remember  about  how  some  of  it  went  on.  It 
appeared  to  be  a  mixture  of  business,  courting,  and  politics, 
and  when  she  came  to  the  end  of  it,  it  was  signed  as  follows : 
"  I  remain  your  humble  servant,  JeiFersoa  S.  Batkins."  The 
people  in  the  playhouse  all  laughed.  When  I  heard  my 
name,  I  rose  up  in  my  seat,  and  was  just  about  to  say,  "  Mr. 
Speaker,"  when  Miss  Wilson  whispered,  "Be  seated,  Mr. 
Batkins.''  I  did  not  know  what  to  make  of  this  letter,  but 
as  Miss  Sarah,  on  the  stage,  was  beginning  to  read  a  post 
script,  I  sat  down,  though  a  little  nervous,  and  thought  I 
would  listen  further.  The  young  woman  then  read  on  about 
like,  this:  "You  need  not  show  this  letter  to  Hannah  Par 
tridge,  if  she  stays  in  your  house  now,  nor  say  anything  about 
my  coming  to  her,  until  we  meet  and  I  can  see  which  end  of 
the  stick  is  up."  Then  the  people  all  laughed  and  clapped 
their  hands,  and  Aunt  Hannah  appeared  to  blush  as  the 
young  woman  was  twitting  her  about  her  old  beau. 

I  asked  Miss  Wilson  what  all  this  meant.  She  said,  if  I 
would  wait  until  the  play  was  over,  I  should  see  it  all  as  it 
was.  I  told  her  there  was  no  other  Mr.  Batkins  in  Cranberry 
Centre  but  myself  and  my  father.  She  said,  perhaps  this 


282  LJFK    OF 

Mr.  Batkins  was  from  another  town  of  the  same  name.  I 
said,  that  might  be,  for  I  never  wrote  no  such  letter  as  that  to 
anybody. 

More  people  came  on  the  stage,  —  a  young  man,  that 
I  thought  was  Miss  Sarah's  beau,  then  Sarah's  father 
came  in  while  they  were  talking.  There  was  a  noise  outside 
the  door.  Everybody,  was  looking  at  the  play-bills,  and  ap 
peared  to  be  getting  ready  for  something.  Now  and  then  I 
heard  somebody  say,  "  Batkins  is  coming."  I  took  my  play 
bill  out  of  my  pocket,  and  read  it  over. 

Both  of  the  doors  in  the  house  on  the  stage  were  open.  I 
could  see  into  the  street;  it  was  snowing.  I  told  Miss  Wilson  I 
had  not  brought  my  umbrella.  The  people  in  the  playhouse 
were  moving  about.  One  young  urchin  behind  us,  who  was  in 
great  glee,  said,  "  Batkins  is  the  fellow  for  me ;  he  is  so  funny  !  " 
I  turned  round  to  speak  to  the  youngster,  when  I  heard  a  great 
shouting  and  laughing  all  over  the  theatre.  The  people 
clapped  their  hands  as  if  they  were  tickled  at  something. 
When  I  looked  back  on  the  stage  again  I  saw  what  it  was  about. 
A  man  was  standing  in  the  doorway,  covered  with  snow,  disput 
ing  with  a  hack-driver,  that  looked  like  the  fellow  that  I  met 
at  the  railroad  when  I  first  arrived.  Everybody  on  the  stage 
seemed  glad  to  see  this  man ;  they  called  him  Batkins.  He 
brushed  the  snow  off  his  clothes,  warmed  himself  all  round, 
appeared  quite  at  home,  and  after  the  hack-driver  was  gone 
they  all  had  a  good  talk  together.  It  came  out  then  that  he 
was  a  member  of  the  General  Court,  and  had  a  speech  all 
ready  to  speak.  I  was  in  hopes  he  was  going  to  speak  it.  I 
was  bewildered,  astonished  at  his  appearance ;  it  appeared  to 
me  as  if  I  looked  just  like  him,  or  felt  just  as  he  looked.  At 
last  they  all  went  off  to  supper ;  the  great  picture  rolled 
down,  and  the  congregation  began  to  laugh  and  talk  with  one 
another. 

I  thought  the  play  was  over,  and  rose  up  to  go  out;  but 
only  a  few  seemed  to  be  moving.  I  asked  Miss  Wilson  about 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  283 

it.  She  said  there  were  three  parts  more  of  the  play,  and 
asked  me  how  I  liked  it.  I  told  her  I  did  not  see  into  it  yet ; 
but  I  should  like  to  know  who  this  Mr.  Batkins  was,  and 
where  he  really  did  come  from.  Miss  Wilson  explained  that 
this  Mr.  Batkins  in  the  play  was  an  imaginary  character,  and 
the  person  I  saw  was  Mr.  Warren,  as  it  was  in  the  bill.  I 
told  Miss  Wilson  that  I  understood  that  much.  I  asked  her 
if  he  meant  to  play-act  me.  Where  did  he  ever  see  me  ?  Be 
fore  she  could  answer,  the  bell  rang,  and  the  picture  was 
rolled  up  again,  and  more  people  came  on  and  talked.  Then 
the  room  changed  right  before  your  eyes  to  a  street,  with  all 
the  buildings.  There  was  one  foppish  sort  of  a  man,  who  in 
some  respects  reminded  me  of  Mr.  Bean.  I  began  to  see  a  little 
more  about  the  "  Silver  Spoon."  The  young  man  who  wanted 
to  marry  the  young  girl,  and  I  thought  she  acted  as  if  she 
wanted  to  marry  him,  seemed  to  come  to  a  stop  because  his 
father,  a  rich  man,  had  made  a  will,  and  only  left  him  a 
silver  spoon.  Then  they  rolled  down  the  picture  again,  the 
music  played,  and  the  people  talked  as  they  did  before. 

The  next  time  the  curtain  was  up.  there  were  gay  times, 
dancing,  singing,  eating  and  drinking,  and  more  talk  about 
marrying.  Mr.  Warren  —  or  Mr.  Batkins  as  they  called 
him  —  was  everywhere,  trying  to  make  his  speech  ;  and  I  real 
ly  thought  he  got  a  little  fuddled,  and  before  that  part  was 
through  he  danced  with  the  women,  and  did  what  then  I  did 
not  think  I  should  have  done ;  but  I  am  not  sure,  at  this  day, 
but  I  might  have  done  the  same  as  he  did. 

I  was  a  .good  deal  interested  in  the  piece,  for  I  saw  that 
some  of  the  people  were  doing  just  as  I  had  seen  people  do. 
If  somebody  did  not  let  out  the  truth  somewhere,  it  appeared 
to  me  there  was  to  be  some  swindling  done  between  the  lawyer 
and  the  ragged  rascal  that  was  playing  he  was  a  son  to  the 
young  man's  father,  who  was  gone  abroad,  and  who  was  to 
marry  the  school-teacher.  The  fellow  who,  I  thought, 


284  LIFE    OF 

acted  like  Bean,  was  going  to  cheat  the  rich  lady,  her  cousin, 
to  get  her  fortune,  and  it  appeared  to  me  that  Mr.  Warren  had 
got  mixed  up  in  the  matter  too.  I  began  to  feel  a  little  curious 
when  Mr.  Warren  began  to  court  the  house-keeper.  I  rather 
thought  he  must  have  had  some  practice  in  that  way,  it 
seemed  so  human-nature  like,  though  I  had  never  tried  it; 
but  it  put  notions  into  my  head  that  with  such  a  nice-looking 
woman  as  was  acting  the  part  of  Aunt  Hannah,  after  what  I 
had  seen,  I  should  not  object  to  trying  it  too.  I  say  now,  at 
this  time,  after  all  I  have  seen,  that  the  courting  between  Aunt 
Hannah  and  Mr.  Warren  was  the  thing  itself. 

Before  the  play  was  over  I  saw  how  it  would  be.  The 
rascals  got  served  right,  and  all  the  clever  people  had  things 
about  as  they  wanted  them,  except  Mr.  Warren,  who  never  had  a 
chance  to  speak  his  speech.  I  wanted  to  hear  that,  — because 
I  felt  I  was  somewhat  in  the  same  way  as  he  was.  When  the 
curtain  came  down  the  last  time,  and  in  fact  a  little  before, 
the  people  began  to  go  off.  I  did  not  like  that  very  well,  be 
cause  I  could  not  hear  the  last  part  of  what  Mr.  Warren  was 
saying.  I  thought  the  rest  of  the  people,  who  were  in  such  a 
hurry,  had  seen  the  play  before,  and  knew  all  about  it ;  but 
we  who  had  not,  ought  not  to  have  been  deprived  of  our 
money's  worth. 

Walking  home  with  Miss  Wilson,  we  talked  the  matter 
over.  I  asked  her  if  she  really  thought  they  meant  me. 
She  said  she  could  not  tell,  but  Mr.  Warren  certainly  did  re 
mind  her  of  some  things  she  had  heard  me  say.  He  looked 
something  like  me,  was  about  my  size,  and  had  just  such  an 
umbrella.  I  asked  her  if  she  knew  Mr.  Warren.  She  said 
she  did  not ;  but  she  met  him  often  on  the  street,  as  he  was 
going  from  the  Museum  to  his  home. 

I  made  up  my  mind  to  this  idea,  —  I  would  go  and  see  Mr. 
Kimball,  and  find  out  what  family  this  Mr.  Batkins  belonged 
to.  This  play  was  running  in  my  head  all  night,  and  made 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  285 

a  great  impression  on  me,  politically  and  socially,  and  opened 
my  imagination  in  an  entirely  new  direction.* 

*My  coadjutor  objected  to  my  doing  more  than  to  refer  to  this  play.  I  state  in 
this  note,  I  do  not  pretend  that  I  have  given  a  full  description  of  it,  or  all  that 
happened  on  the  occasion  of  my  visit  to  the  Museum.  People  can  go  to  see  it  for 
themselves,  as  I  did,  and  when^they  read  my  biography  they  will  be  able  to  distin 
guish  between  the  imaginary  Batkins,  as  Mr.  Warron,  with  his  mimical  powers, 
represents  him,  and  the  true  one,  myself.  —  J.  S.  B. 


286  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

• 

I   CALL    ON    MR.    KIMBALL. 

AFTER  a  day  or  two,  thinking  it  over,  and  keeping  my  in 
tention  to  myself,  one  forenoon,  just  as  I  bad  come  from  the 
State  House,  I  went  into  the  Boston  Museum.  There  was  a 
young  man  at  the  office  where  they  kept  the  tickets  for  sale, 
and  as  I  went  up  the  steps  he  was  getting  ready  to  receive  me, 
with  a  smile,  which  I  supposed  was  because  he  thought  he  had 
a  customer.  I  asked  him  if  Mr.  Kimball  was  the  proprietor 
of  the  Museum.  He  said  he  was.  I  asked  him  if  I  could  see 
him.  He  wanted  to  know  if  it  was  on  particular  business.  I 
told  him  it  was  somewhat  particular.  He  asked  me  if  it  was 
on  personal  matters,  or  business  of  the  Museum.  I  told  him 
a  little  of  both.  He  said  Mr.  Kimball  did  not  like  to  be 
disturbed  in  the  morning,  unless  for  important  matters,  or 
when  any  of  his  personal  friends  called.  He  asked  me  if  I  knew 
Mr.  Kimball.  I  told  him  I  was  not  personally  acquainted, 
although  it  appeared  by  the  goings-on  here  that  he  knew  me, 
and  I  thought  he  would  be  glad  to  see  me.  The  young  man 
said,  if  I  would  give  him  my  address,  he  would  send  it  in  to 
him.  I  said  I  would  rather  introduce  myself  to  him ;  but  he 
might  say,  if  he  chose,  that  I  was  a  member  of  the  General 
Court. 

He  went  away  from  the  office  window,  and  in  a  short  time  re 
turned,  asking  me  to  walk  into  the  hall,  and  Mr.  Kimball  would 
see  me  as  soon  as  he  bad  completed  a  matter  of  business  then  in 
hand.  I  walked  into  the  hall,  and  thought,  as  he  was  so 
polite,  I  would  look  around  a  little  at  the  pictures  and  curi- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  287 

osities.  I  do  not  know  exactly  how  long  I  was  engaged  in. 
this  manner,  when  I  saw  a  gentleman  coming  towards  me. 
He  was  smiling.  I  then  discovered  he  was  a  fellow-member 
of  the  Legislature,  and  it  appeared  to  me  as  if  he  knew  me. 
He  was  about  the  first  person  I  had  met  among  the  dons  who 
had  no  collar  to  his  shirt.  He  came  up  to  me,  offered  me  his 
hand,  asked  me  how  I  did,  and  if  I  had  come  from  the  State 
House.  I  told  him,  after  shaking  hands,  that  was  where  I 
came  from.  He  said,  "  You  have  sent  word  to  see  me." 

I  looked  at  him  again  ;  he  reminded  me  of  a  picture  of 
Governor. Briggs  that  I  had  seen.  I  spoke  to  him  thus: 
"Mr.  Kimball,  I  came  to  see  your  play  the  other  night,  for 
the  first  time  in  my  life  that  I  was  ever  in  a  theatre." 

He  stopped  me.  "This  is  not  a  theatre;  this  is  the 
Museum." 

"Well,  but  the  other  building  is.  I  want  to  see  that 
man  that  acted  out  Mr.  Batkins." 

"Mr.  Warren?" 

"Yes,  that's  what  they  called  his  name.  Now,  my  name 
is  Batkins,  and  I  am  the  representative  from  Cranberry 
Centre.  What  I  want  to  know  is,  how  you  and  Mr.  Warren 
come  to  put  me  on  the  stage  ?  " 

I  saw  Mr.  Kimball  laughing  to  himself,  and  I  rather 
gathered  that  he  thought  I  was  a  crazy  man.  He  said,  "  I  am 
glad  to  see  you,  Mr.  Batkins ;  but  I  think  Mr.  Warren  can 
give  you  more  information  on  the  subject  of  your  relative,  if 
he  is  a  relative,  than  I  can." 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  Mr.  Speaker,"  — forgetting  for  a  moment 
that  I  was  in  the  Museum,  and  not  in  the  State  House,  —  "I 
mean  Mr.  —  "  I  hesitated ;  he  gave  me  the  word  :  — 

"  Proprietor,  sir.     I  am  the  proprietor." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Proprietor,  I  don't  know  where  Mr.  Warren 
lives.  I  don't  suppose  all  your  actors  live  in  the  Museum." 

"  No,"  he  said,  "  they  live  out  of  it." 

"Yes,"   said   I,    seeing  a  chance  for  a  joke,   "and   you 


288  LIFE    OF 

must  make  a  good  living  out  of  it  too,  if  you  always  have  as 
many  people  in  to  see  you  as  there  was  when  I  visited  it,  and 
they  all  pay  for  their  going  in." 

He  did  not  seem  to  see  any  joke  ;  but  said  he  was  a  little 
busy,  and  if  I  wanted  to  see  Mr.  Warren  I  had  better  call  on 
him  at  his  residence.  I  asked  him  if  he  would  give  me  an  in 
troduction  to  him. 

"Certainly,"  he  said.  "Walk  in  with  me,  unless  you 
choose  to  look  around  at  the  curiosities." 

I  told  him  I  had  seen  the  mermaid,  and  the  waxwork,  and 
the  elephant's  bones,  and  I  wanted  to  tell  him  I  l\ad  seen  a 
real  elephant  at  the  "  Saints'  Rest;  "  but  I  thought  better  of 
that.  "If  it  is  the  same  to  you.  I  will  look  at  the  pictures 
while  you  are  writing  the  letter." 

He  went  into  a  room,  and  I  employed  myself  with  listening 
to  the  conversation  of  some  country  people.  I  should  judge, 
who  walked  about  holding  on  each  other's  hands,  as  if  they 
rather  liked  that  way  of  enjoying  things.  Mr.  Kimball  soon 
returned,  with  a  letter,  which  he  gave  to  me,  saying  he  should 
be  happy  to  have  me  visit  the  Museum  while  I  remained  in 
Boston,  and  presented  me  with  a  complimentary  ticket,  which 
I  have  to  this  day.  I  wished  him  good-rnorning,  asking  him 
about  what  was  the  best  time  to  find  Mr.  Warren  at  his 
abode.  He  said  "  About  four  o'clock." 

"I  thank  you  for  your  politeness,  sir,"  was  my  response, 
as  I  looked  at  the  letter,  then  at  him,  and  added  as  a  query, 
••  .Mr.  Kimball,  is  Mr.  Warren  a  married  man?  " 

"  I  think  not.     Good-morning,  Mr.  Batkins." 

"Good-morning,  Mr.  Kimball,"  —  my  eye  half  on  him, 
half  on  the  letter. 

He  went  away  into  his  office,  you  understand,  and  I  went 
down  the  steps  into  the  street.  This  was  on  the  outside  of  the 
letter:  "William  Warren,  Esq.,  Present.  By  Mr.  Batkins." 
He  did  not  seal  up  the  case  of  the  letter,  the  envelope,  so  I 


JEFFERSON    S.    E ATKINS.  289 

thought  I  would  just  step  into  an  alley  way  and  read  it  before 
I  gave  it  to  Mr.  Warren.  I  put  the  letter  in  as  a  document. 
The  real  one  is  not  in  my  possession,  but  it  went  on  about  like 
this :  — 

"  BOSTON  MUSEUM,  Thursday  A.  M. 

"Mv  DEAR  WARREN:  —  This  will  be  handed  to  you  by  Mr.  J.  S.  Batkins,  tho 
member  from  Cranberry  Centre,  who  desires  to  see  you  upon  matters  which  he  will 
communicate  to  you. 

"  Truly  yours,  MOSES  KIMBALL. 

"W.  WARREN,  ESQ." 

"  So,"  says  I,  "Mr.  Kimball's  name  is  Moses;  but  he 
has  not  put  on  the  letter  where  Mr.  Warren  lives."  I  thought 
I  would  not  go  back  to  bother  Mr.  Kimball.  As  I  was  not 
going  to  call  on  Mr.  Warren  until  four  P.  M,,  I  thought  I 
should  find  somebody  that  could  tell  me  where  he  lived. 

There  was  no  session  at  the  State  House,  and  I  had  the  rest 
of  the  day  to  myself;  so  I  walked  down  to  Washington 
Street,  to  see  the  sights  and  the  pretty  women  that  I  told 
Aunt  Dolly  of.  When  I  got  home  to  dinner  Miss  Wilson 
told  the  name  of  the  street  in  which  Mr.  Warren  lived,  and 
the  number  of  the  house.  I  had  not  exactly  made  up  my 
mind  what  to  say  to  Mr.  Warren.  Two  or  three  times  when 
he  was  on  the  stage  I  felt  like  getting  up  and  speaking  my 
mind,  but  now  I  was  somewhat  cooted  down.  I  started  off, 
however,  in  good  spirits,  and  it  was  not  long  before  I  was  at 
the  door.  I  pulled  at  the  bell,  and  while  the  door  remained 
unopened  X  was  practising  the  best  manner  of  presenting  my 
self.  I  felt  more  disturbed  than  I  did  to  go  to  the  governor's 
room  in  the  State  House.  A  boy  opened  the  door.  I  asked 
if  Mr.  Warren  was  at  home.  He  said  he  was,  and  showed 
me  into  a  parlor.  He  knocked  at  the  door  of  Mr.  Warren's 
room.  A  voice  within  said,  "  Come  in;"  but  it  did  not 
sound  like  the  same  voice  I  heard  at  the  Museum. 

While    the  boy   was  in  Mr.  Warren's  room  I  was   gazing 

19 


290  LIFE    OP 

about,  looking  at  the  pictures  hanging  round,  and  the  images 
of  people  set  upon  blocks  ;  but  by  their  faces  they  did  not 
seem  to  be  anybody  that  I  knew. 

I  used  to  be  particular  in  those  days  about  anything  pecu 
liar  that  struck  me  when  I  went  into  a  house  for  the  first  time. 
I  noticed  the  smell  of  something  that  gave  me  an  idea  Mr. 
Warren's  folks  had  had  something  very  good  for  dinner,  and 
I  supposed  his  wife  was  a  good  cook.  I  remembered  that 
Mr.  Kimball  told  me  Mr.  Warren  had  no  wife";  so  I  gave  the 
credit  of  the  good  smells  to  his  house-keeper,  and  I  thought 
perhaps  I  had  come  too  soon,  and  that  Mr.  Warren  had  not 
finished  his  dinner. 

While  engaged  in  these  reflections  the  boy  returned  from 
Mr.  Warren's  room,  and  asked  me  if  he  should  take  my  coat 
and  hat.  I  kind  of  hesitated,  and  on  the  whole  I  concluded 
that  I  would  go  in  just  as  I  stood ;  so  I  told  the  boy  I  was 
much  obliged  to  him  for  his  politeness,  and  while  he  was  hold 
ing  out  his  hand  for  my  coat  and  hat,  I  supposed,  I  could  not 
help  recalling  to  my  mind  the  nature  of  my  business,  and  was 
almost  half  minded  not  to  go  in ;  but  the  boy  opened  the 
door,  saying,  u  This  way,  sir."  I  lifted  myself,  thought  of 
Cranberry  Centre,  and,  making  my  old-fashioned  bow,  I 
walked  in,  and  what  happened  will  be  found  in  the  next 
chapter. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  291 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

MY   INTERVIEW   WITH   MR.    WARREN. 

SURE  enough  there  he  sat  before  me.  I  looked  at  him  with 
a  smile,  but  with  some  hesitation.  I  spoke  first.  "  Mr.  War- 
ren,  I  believe  ;  am  I  right?  " 

"My  name  is  Warren." 

He  had  been  smoking  and  reading.  He  laid  down  his  book, 
and  rose  to  welcome  me.  •  I  handed  him  Mr.  Kimball's  note. 
He  read  it,  looked  at  me,  laughed,  or  rather  smiled,  and  said, 
' '  Mr.  Batkins,  I  am  very  happy  to  know  you.  Sit  down ; 
have  a  cigar?  " 

I  accepted  the  courtesy  of  the  chair,  but  declined  the  cigar. 
As  I  sat  down  he  looked  at  me,  and  I  looked  at  him.  1 
began :  "  Mr.  Warren,  I  went  to  the  Museum  one  evening  to 
see  the  '  Silver  Spoon,'  and  in  that  play  there  was  a  man  that 
was  called  Jefferson  S.  Batkins.  Now,  that  is  my  name,  and 
I  am  the  representative  from  Cranberry  Centre.  What  I 
want  to  know  is,  if  you  ever  saw  me  before  ?  " 

"  Never,  to  my  knowledge." 

"  Did  you  ever  hear  of  me  ?  " 

"  Never,  sir." 

"  Then  how  came  you  to  play  me  in  the  '  Silver  Spoon  '  ?  " 

"  I  did  not.  sir,  play  you  ;  I  played  a  character  conforming 
as  nearly  as  I  could  to  the  idea  of  the  author." 

"Mr.  Warren,  I  don't  know  how  plays  are  made;  but  do 
you  think  it  is  fair  to  put  a  representative  on  the  stage  to  make 
all  the  folks  laugh  at  him,  and  put  his  name  in  the  play-bills 
too?" 


292  LIFE    OF 

"  That  is  a  matter  of  education  and  taste,  Mr.  Batkins.  They 
put  my  name  in  the  play-bills,  and  it  gives  me  great  pleasure 
when  my  friends  and  the  public  are  pleased  to  laugh  at  me." 

"Well,"  I  said,  "Mr.  Warren,  as  near  as  I  can  make  out, 
that's  your  trade,  and  I  think  you  must  be  pretty  good  at  it ; 
perhaps  I  am  no  judge,  for  I  never  saw  a  play  before  that 
night  •  but  if  any  of  my  friends  from  Cranberry  Centre  should 
go  to  the  Museum  and  see  me,  —  that  is  you,  Mr.  Warren, 
acting  out  me,  you  understand,  —  they  will  think  that  I 
really  did  some  of  the  things  you  did." 

"Mr.  Batkins,  what  was  there  objectionable  in  anything 
that  I  represented  ?  " 

"  Why,  you  must  understand,  Mr.  Warren,  in  the  first 
place.  I  am  unmarried." 

"  Yes  —  well,  that's  the  way  I  played  you." 

"  Yes,  but  I  never  paid  my  addresses  to  Hannah  Partridge. 
If  any  of  the  girls  should  see  the  play  that  know  I  intend  to 
get  married,  and  really  think  it  was  me  that  you  were  acting, 
they  would  all  tell  me  to  go  and  have  Miss  Partridge.  That 
was  a  nice-looking  house-keeper  you  had  there.  The  fact  is, 
Mr.  Warren.  I  thought  it  was  all  real  but  myself,  and  what 
bothers  me  still  is,  how  you  get  at  this  play-acting,  making 
everything  seem  so  real." 

"  Mr.  Batkins,  as  you  are  a  legislator,  I  suppose  you  to 
be  familiar  with  Shakespeare's  works." 

"Shakespeare's  works?  No;  since  I've  been  up  to  the 
House  I've  heard  considerable  of  gas-works,  water-works, 
soap-works,  and  fire-works,  but  not  Shakespeare's." 

"Is  it  possible!  "  said  Mr.  Warren.  "I  had  hardly  sup 
posed  there  was  a  man  of  your  age  in  Massachusetts  not  fa 
miliar  with  Shakespeare.  What  has  been  your  reading,  sir, 
in  a  literary  way  ?  " 

I  told  him  my  first  book  was  "Robinson  Crusoe."  then 
"Charlotte  Temple  "  and  "Eliza  Wharton,"  the  "History 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  203 

of  Rome,"  and  some  other  books  of  the  kind.  I  told  him 
the  story  of  my  ride.  He  laughed,  and  said  that  ought  to  be 
put  in  the  "Silver  Spoon."  We  talked  about  va  great  many 
things,  and  I  began  to  think  he  was  a  pretty  nice  sort  of  a 
gentleman.  He  explained  to  me  that  when  the  author  wrote 
the  play,  this  part  was  given  to  him ;  that  he  went  to  the 
State  House,  when  the  General  Court  assembled,  to  see  who 
there  was  there  that  seemed  to  agree  with  the  author's  idea. 
He  found  a  number  of  country  gentlemen  who  appeared  to  come 
up  to  the  idea  of  the  author  in  representing  a  class.  The  author 
gave  the  name  of  Batkins  to  his  ideal,  perhaps  had  visited 
Cranberry  Centre  himself,  selecting  you  as  his  model  Mr. 
Batkins. 

I  listened  to  him,  and  asked  him  if  that  was  the  way  plays 
were  made.  He  said,  sometimes  not.  There  were  plays  in 
which  none  of  the  characters  were  like  anything  human.  I 
asked  him  who  paid  for  making  plays.  He  explained  to  me 
that  it  was  the  public  at  last,  but  the  manager  first. 

On  the  whole,  I  was  pleased  with  my  visit  to  Mr.  Warren, 
and  upon  asking  him  if  some  things  could  not  be  altered  a 
little,  lie  said  I  must  see  the  author  about  that.  I  asked  him 
what  kind  of  men  these  play-authors  were.  He  said  there 
were  different  kinds,  like  men  in  all  other  professions  or 
trades.  I  asked  him  how  much  a.  play  was  worth.  He  said 
you  could  only  tell  by  trying  it.  I  asked  him  if  all  authors 
had  the  same  price.  "  No,"  he  said,  "  some  work  on  the 
principle  of  the  negro  who  sold  brooms."  I  asked  him  how 
that  was.  He  said,  ""Two  negroes,  who  were  broom-sellers, 
met  to  discuss  the  practice  of  underselling.  Csesar  said  to 
Johnson,  '  How  is  it  you  sell  brooms  cheaper  than  I  do,  when 
I  steal  the  corn  I  make  them  of  ?  ;  '  Why,  Csesar,  easy 
enough.  I  steal  the  brooms  all  ready-made.'  So  some  authors 
steal  the  stuff  and  make  the  plays,  while  another  set  steal  the 
plays  ready-made.  Hence  the  difference  in  price;" 


294  LIFE    OF 

u  Mr.  "Warren,  I  am  obliged  to  you  —  I  am  really  pleased 
to  make  your  acquaintance." 

"I  am  very  happy  to  have  met  you,  Mr.  Batkins ;  shall 
be  happy  to  see  you  often/' 

"  Mr.  Kimball  has  given  me  an  invitation  to  come  to  the 
Museum  every  night.  I  mean  to  see  you  often  ;  and  if  you 
should  ever  visit  Cranberry  Centre  I  shall  be  happy  to  see 
you  at  the  homestead.  I  could  introduce  you  to  some  singular 
people,  and  if  you  want  to  put  them  into  your  plays,  you 
can." 

I  thanked  him  again  for  the  insight  he  had  given  me  into 
plays,  as  it  seemed  to  me  a  grand  way  of  blending  instruc 
tion  with  amusement.  .  I  told  him  I  should  go  and  get  a  book 
of  Shakespeare,  and  read  the  ''Silver  Spoon"  part  of  it. 
lie  smiled  in  a  very  gentlemanly  way ;  said  Shakespeare  had 
been  dead  many  years,  although  many  of  his  plays  had 
lived  until  now  ;  that  he  did  not  write  the  "Silver  Spoon." 
The  author  of  the  "  Silver  Spoon,"  however,  he  said,  was 
his  neighbor;  and  if  Mr.  Batkins  would  call  upon  him,  he 
had  no  doubt  he  would  permit  him  to  read  the  play,  make  any 
alterations  he  desired,  and  possibly  give  him  some  information 
as  to  Shakespeare's  works. 

I  again  bade  him  adieu.  He  smiled,  and  said,  "  Au  revoir, 
Mr.  Batkins."  I  inquired  of  Miss  Wilson,  when  I  returned 
home,  what  language  that  was.  She  said  it  was  French,  and 
explained  the  meaning. 

While  noting  down  the  heads  of  these  facts  in  my  journal, 
I  thought  I  had  received  considerable  light  from  my  visit  to 
Mr.  Warren.  I  shall  not  describe  his  appearance,  for  I  do 
not  suppose  there  is  anybody  in  New  England  who  has  not 
seen  Mr.  William  Warren,  to  say  nothing  of  a  great  many 
people  in  the  United  States  and  foreign  countries.  If  there 
are  any  such  people,  and  if  they  read  this  book  I  am 
making,  I  advise  them  to  see  him.  They  say  he  does  look 


JEFFERSON  S.  'B ATKINS.  295 

just  like  me ;  and  for  that  reason  I  have  applied  to  him  that  I 
may  have  his  picture  in  this  book,  when  the  reader  can  judge. 

I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  go  and  see  the  author  of  the 
"  Silver  Spoon.''  As  that  will  come  in  its  proper  place,  I 
shall  dismiss  the  subject  to  return  to  matters  of  the  State 
House,  which  at  this  time  were  very  interesting. 

After  I  had  asked  Mr.  Kimball  if  the  actors  lived  in  the 
Museum,  I  wondered  why  I  should  have  thought  such  a 
thing.  What  a  family  to  provide  for,  to  be  sure  !  When  we 
have  men  on  a  farm,  generally  we  find  them  in  board  and 
lodging ;  that  is,  when  they  are  hired  by  the  year,  or  in  hay 
ing-time  ;  but  farming  and  play-acting  are  different  things. 

When  I  arrived  at  the  State  House,  as  I  was  passing 
through  the  Doric  Hall,  I  saw  a  man  with  a  travelling-bag,  in 
conversation  with  Joseph.  He  appeared  as  if  he  was  in  a 
consumption.  When  Joseph  left  the  man  I  asked  him  who 
that  sickly  man  was.  He  said  he  was  a  representative  from 

,  who  had  been  sick,  and  had  just  come  to 

Boston,  He  was  looking  for  his  room,  and  wanted  me  to 
show  it  to  him,  as  he  was  tired,  and  wanted  to  go  to  bed. 
I  told  him  the  members  did  not  lodge  in  the  State  House. 
He  said  he  thought  they  did  ;  he  had  been  in  the  Senate 
Chamber,  and  showed  his  credentials ;  but  they  told  him  his 
place  was  in  the  other  hall.  Joseph  said  he  had  sent  him 
to  a  boarding-house.  I  don't  think  my  mistake  about  Mr. 
Kimball' s  actors  indicated  so  much  ignorance  of  Boston  ways, 

as  the  member  from did,  when  he  thought 

he  was  to  have  his  "per  diem"  pay,  and  to  have  board  and 
lodgings  in  the  State  House. 


296  LIFE  OF 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

I    GET    THE    FLOOR. 

MR.  JEROME  SPLENDID  SILK  was  a  character  in  the  "  Sil 
ver-Spoon  "  play,  you  understand;  that  is,  the  character  is 
real,  but  not  the  name  and  invention.  I  think  this  dramatic 
form  a  good  method  to  warn  people  against  the  conduct  of 
individuals,  whose  names  it  might  be  unsafe  to  write,  to  print, 
or  to  speak  the  truth  to  the  individual  himself,  except  by  some 
of  the  rhetorical  applications  to  him,  as  if  to  another  per 
son. 

It  will  not  be  forgotten  that  I  objected  to  the  way  I  was 
used,  name  and  all,  to  represent  a  not  over-qualified  specimen 
from  the  rural  districts,  in  the  u  Silver  Spoon."  Mr.  Silk,  not 
a  member,  was  represented  as  rather  { '  coming  it  over  "  —  to 
use  a  vulgar  saying  —  Mr.  Batkins,  of  the  Museum.  I  had 
protested  against  that  author's  ideal,  as  Mr.  Warren  called  him, 
being  identified  with  me,  in  anything,  socially  or  politically  ; 
but  I  have  to  state  that  I  did  make  the  acquaintance  of  a 
man, —  a  colonel  as  he  was  called, —  who  tried  his  wits  on  me, 
as  Mr.  Silk  did  on  the  Batkins  of  the  "  Silver  Spoon."  He 
borrowed  my  money,  over-persuaded  me  to  use  my  influence,  and 
give  rny  vote,  for  the  carrying  of  a  bill,  which,  in  the  opinion 
of  some  members  of  sound  judgment,  was  of  no  more  pith 
than  Silk's  act  for  the  growth  of  caterpillars.  The  author  of 
the  "  Silver  Spoon  "  put  that  allcgorically.  So  shall  I,  in 
using  the  name  of  Mr.  Silk,  to  conceal  the  real  name  of  the 
member,  and  the  act  he  invited  me  to  support.  I  shall  call  it 
the  act  for  the  promotion  of  the  growth  of  caterpillars.  If 


JEFFERSON  'S.   B  ATKINS.  297 

my  readers  can  see  the  individual  in  my  picturing  of  the  lin 
eaments  of  his  face,  in  the  adornments  of  his  body,  very  well ; 
arid,  you  understand,  if  he  himself  recognizes  in  Mr.  Silk  a 
person  whose  name  was  on  the  roll  in  the  session  of  1852,  I 
am  satisfied  without  his  acknowledging  the  fact  in  the  news 
papers  of  the  day. 

Colonel  Silk,  then,  was  one  of  the  best-dressed  men  that  ever 
had,  at  that  day,  answered  to  his  name  upon  a  call  of  the 
"  yeas  and  nays  "  in  the  House  of  Representatives. 

There  is  a  kind  of  dog,  called  a  poodle  in  old  times,  or  lady's 
lap-dog.  These  animals  recently  have  had  a  new  classification, 
and  are  of  different  breeds  and  shapes,  to  distinguish  which  at 
this  time  I  shall  make  no  attempt.  The  kind  I  refer  to  is 
usually  small  in  dimensions,  with  white  curly  hair,  carrying, 
in  manner  and  motion,  an  expression  of  considerable  self- 
esteem  and  conceit,  I  suppose  in  consequence  of  being  selected 
as  ladies'  companions,  endowed  with  all  the  social  privileges 
some  other  parlor  nuisances  enjoy,  whose  insignificant  bark, 
jerky  snarl,  and  showing  of  teeth  at  the  entrance  of  strangers, 
are  well  known  to  visitors  in  a  certain  kind  of  society,  whose 
characteristics  it  is  no  part  of  my  duty  or  pleasure  to  recapit 
ulate.  Silk,  then,  looked  like  one  of  these  poodles ;  it  would 
be  necessary,  of  course,  to  trim  his  ears  a  little,  and  enlarge 
his  features,  to  complete  the  likeness,  his  locomotion  being 
usually  on  two  legs  instead  of  the  quadruped's  manner  of 
passing  to  and  fro  on  four  on  occasions  of  business  or  pleasure, 
as  the  case  might  be.  Silk  had  no  perceptible  tail,  and  the 
likeness  between  himself  and  the  poodle  terminated  at  the  line 
involved  in  his  shirt-collar  surrounding  his  neck,  to  which  his 
ordinary  habiliments  from  below  upwards  were  contiguous. 
Silk's  coats,  vests,  and  other  articles  of  dress  were  in  the  ex 
treme  of  the  fashion,  as  I  have  before  hinted,  in  saying  he 
was  one  of  the  best-dressed  men,  in  the  State  House,  of  the 
session  of  1852.  I  believe  he  was  by  profession  a  lawyer, 
a  broker,  or  something  of  the  sort. 


298  LIFE    OF 

Colonel  Silk  was  ready  to  speak  on  every  occasion,  and 
appeared  always  equal  to  the  emergency,  and  frequently,  for 
I  sat  near  to  him,  when  I  was  about  -to  get  the  speaker's  eye 
or  ear,  —  which  I  always  found  it  difficult  to  do ;  of  which 
fact  I  inquired  of  Mr.  Banks  the  reason.  If  he  gave  me  one 
I  don't  think  I  understood  it  or  profited  by  it.  As  I  say,  if  I 
tried  to  get  a  chance  to  speak,  Silk  would  ask  me  what  I 
wanted,  and  when  I  had  begun  to  explain  to  him,  he  would 
say,  "Yes,  I  see;  I'll  do  it  for  you,"  and,  sure  enough, 
somehow  or  other,  Mr.  Banks  always  gave  him  the  chance.  I 
had  at  this  time  received  a  letter  from  home,  saying,  that  I  — 
On  the  whole,  I  will  put  in  the  letter  without  the  name,  and 
let  my  friendly  reader  put  what  construction  upon  it  he  may 
deem  best. 

"  CRANBERRY  CENTRE,  March,  1852. 

"  J.  S.  BATKINS,  —  DEAR  SIR:  —  Great  complaints  are  made  hero  of  your  silence 
on  a  question  important  to  the  interests  of  Cranberry  .Centre.  The  people  are  dis 
appointed.  Mr.  Spring  is  to  visit  Boston,  arid  use  his  influence  to  find  somebody,  to 
support  a  certain  bill,  which  is  to  be  of  vast  consequence  to  Cranberry  Centre. 
Look  to  your  laurels;  '  win  your  spurs; '  let  Cranberry  Centre  bo  heard  from." 

I  did  not  hear  of  this  while  I  was  at  the  homestead,  but  I 
thought  it  ought  to  be  attended  to. 

•  When  I  read  this  letter  over  again,  I  was  determined  to 
make  some  sort  of  a  speech  before  Spring  could  arrive.  I 
requested  Colonel  Silk,  if  he  saw  me  about  to  rise,  not  to  dis 
turb  me.  The  caterpillar  bill,  as  I  called  it,  had  got  some 
how  before  the  House ;  its  exact  stage  then  I  have  no 
means  of  now  explaining.  One  day,  when  the  House  was 
unusually  thin,  —  I  believe  there  was  some  holiday  work 
going  on, —  I  proposed  to  make  my  attempt.  As  soon  as  I  took 
my  seat,  I  pulled  out  my  great  written  speech  from  my  pocket, 
and  laid  it  upon  my  desk.  I  called  upon  Joseph,  one  of  the 
pages,  and  asked  him  for  a  journal  of  the  previous  year.  I  had 
not  "won  my  spurs," — my  reader  knows  that  was  in  my 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  299 

speech, — Spring  had  "  won  his  spurs.5'"  I  looked  over  the 
speech  ;  the  page  brought  the  journal,  and,  seeing  my  speech 
on  the  desk,  said  :  — 

"Mr.  Batkins,  are  you  going  to  speak  to-day?" 

I  said,  "  Yes,  if  I  can  get  the  opportunity." 

"  I  will  look  out  for  you,"  said  Joseph,  and  left  me  at  the 
call  of  some  member  near  the  speaker's  desk. 

After  a  little  business  the  subject  of  interest  to  me  was 
taken  up.  .  I  rose.  "  Mr.  Speaker,"  said  I. 

This  time  I  caught  Mr.  Banks'  eye,  who  recognized  me 
with  a  smile.  li  The  member  from  Cranberry  Centre,"  said 
he. 

At  last  I  had  the  floor.  Nobody  else  said  a  word ;  mem 
bers  turned  round  to  listen.  I  repeated  the  words,  "  Mr. 
Speaker,"  and  everything  about  me  seemed  turning  round. 
Bean,  the  sea-captain's  wife,  Feathergilt,  Spring,  Aunt  Dolly, 
Sarah  Trivetts,  Dr.  Slawter,  everybody  and  everything  was 
tumbled  together  about  me.  I  saw  a  pair  of  spurs  in  the  air, 
bright  and  shining ;  they  seemed  to  perform  a  movement  as  if 
to  light  on  my  head,  notwithstanding  their  proper  place  of 
attachment,  for  use  or  ornament,  is  in  another  direction. 
It  is  impossible  for  me  to  describe  all  that  passed  in  that  flit 
ting  moment  of  dizziness  and  confusion.  The  time  I  had  so 
much  desired  had  come  ;  but  the  man  was  not  there.  My 
first  glance  at  real  things  was  Joseph  at  my  side,  who  had 
brought  a  tumbler  filled  with  water  to  me,  evidently  suppos 
ing  I  intended  to  make  a  long  speech ;  and  this  explained  the 
meaning  of  his  saying,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  I  will  look  out  for  you." 
I  took  a  draught  of  the  water,  then  another.  I  looked  about ; 
all  eyes  were  gazing  at  me,  and  every  eye  appeared  as  large 
as  the  light  upon  a  locomotive  engine. 

A  Boston  member,  always  well  posted,  and  always  setting 
things  right  if  they  were  getting  into  a  snarl,  after  a  sweep  of 
his  eyes  all  round  the  hall  fixed  them  on  me,  and  made  a 


300  LIFE    OF 

motion  with  his  hand  as  if  to  say  no  to  something.  I  felt  that 
I  would  give  my  right  in  the  farm  almost  if  somebody  would 
do  something  to  stop  my  going  on,  in  any  proper  way. 
After,  at  intervals,  in  -small  draughts,  swallowing  half  the 
water  in  the  glass,  I  again  set  up  myself  and  said  faintly, 
"Mr.  Speaker."  The  member  who  shook  his  head  at  me  rose 
from  his  seat,  and  said,  "  Mr.  Speaker,  I  rise  to  a  point  of 
order." 

The  speaker  said,  "The  member  from  Boston  will  state 
the  point  of  order." 

"  I  will,  —  I  do  not  believe  there  is  a  quorum  in  the  House. 
I  wish  it  to  be  known,"  was  the  response. 

"The  point  is  well  taken,"  said  Mr.  Banks. 

The  clerk  was  ordered  to  count  the  House,  and  when  the 
number  was  given,  the  speaker  declared  there  was  not  a  quorum 
of  members  in  their  seats,  and  the  House  could  not  transact 
any  business.  This  was  joyful  news  to  me.  I  was  stopped  ; 
but  it  was  not  my  intention  to  have  it  appear  in  this  light,  you 
understand  ;  so  I  raised  my  voice  courageously,  pretty  much  as 
a  man  will  who  has  been  frightened  by  an  attack  of  an  ugly  dog 
after  his  owner  has  appeared  and  called  him  off.  Says  I, 
looking  indignantly,  after  another  sip  of  the  water,  ' '  Mr. 
Speaker,  I "  —  , 

The  Boston  member  arose;  said  he,  "Will  the  member 
from  Cranberry  Centre  give  way  a  moment?  " 

I  did  not  know  exactly  what  he  was  driving  at.  I  knew 
what  I  wanted,  and  that  was  not  to  make  a  speech,  but  let  the 
news  go  to  Cranberry  Centre  that  I  had  once  obtained  the 
floor.  So  I  ventured  to  say  that  if  I  gave  way  I  should 
hold  the  floor  until  I  had  made  a  motion.  Mr.  "Speaker 
Banks  said  no  motion  was  in  order  except  to  adjourn,  as 
there  was  no  quorum  present.  I  sat  down  apparently  in  a 
huff,  without  agreeing  to  anything,  when  the  Boston  member 
arose  and  said,  "Mr.  Speaker,  I  move  the  House  adjourn." 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  301 

This  was  seconded  by  many  voices ;  the  question  was  put,  and 
the  House  adjourned. 

Some  members  hastily  left  the  hall ;  others  gathered  in  little 
parties.  As  they  frequently  looked  at  me,  I  suppose  I  was 
the  subject  of  their  conversation. 

.  I  think  this  was  the  first  time  an  adjournment  had  been  made 
in  consequence  of  insufficient  numbers  at  this  session.  I  thought 
it  was  hardly  fair,  as  none  of  us  had  earned  our  "  per  diem  " 
wages,  or  the  two  dollars  and  a  half  per  day,  as  was  the  plain 
English  of  the  thing.  I  mentioned  this  to  a  member  whose 
seat  was  next  to  mine,  and  who  was  making  up  his  newspapers 
to  send  home,  as  he  said  he  sold  them  to  a  tavern-keeper  in 
his  town  for  half  the  subscription  price,  during  the  session. 
He  looked  at  me  and  smiled.  Said  he  :  — 

"Mr.  Batkins,  frequent  adjournments  will  make  the  session 
longer,  and  as  many  of  us  could  not  earn  two  dollars  and  a 
half  per  day  at  any  other  work  than  legislation,  we  ,ought  not 
to  complain." 

I  replied,  in  that  light  it  was  an  advantage  to  such  mem 
bers.  By  this  time  the  Boston  member  who  made  the  motion 
to  adjourn  came  to  my  seat. 

"Mr.  Batkins,"  said  he,  "I  have  not  had  the  pleasure  of 
an  introduction  to  you  ;  but  I  shall  be  glad  to  know  you  better. 
My  name  is  Tenpinson." 

I  call  it  Tenpinson,  you  understand.  He  spoke  his  real  name ; 
there  was  no  such  name  on  the  roll  as  I  give  him.  I  state  this 
that  my  reader  may  not  have  the  trouble  of  looking  over  the 
list  of  1852,  if  his  curiosity  should  lead  him  to  such  inquiry. 
Tenpinson,  on  the  play-plan  of  representation  of  character 
under  an  invented  name,  was  a  large  specimen  of  Boston 
development,  raised  in  an  agricultural  town  not  many 
miles  from  Boston,  and  transplanted  early  in  his  youth 
ful  days  to  the  soil  which  has  produced  so  many  speci 
men  men  of  mark  under  city  culture,  whose  blossoms  first 


302  LIFE    OF 

expanded  in  the  rural  districts.     I  shall  not  name  them    at 
this  time. 

His  head  and  face  were  of  the  ox  pattern,  without  the  horns ; 
a  little  shortened,  until  its  appearance  was  not  unlike  the  rep 
resentation  of  a  full  moon  in  the  almanacs.    There  was  always  a 
smile  upon  his  lips,  which  was  seconded  by  a  merry  twinkle  of 
the  eye.     The  constant  use  of  tobacco  supplied  the  frequent  mo 
tion  of  his  jaws  in  the  manner  somewhat  of  the  ruminating  ani 
mal  chosen  as  an  illustration  of  physiognomy  in  his  case,  whose 
cud-chewing  propensity  is  well  known,  although  the  cud  is 
formed  of  a  different  kind  of  plant  compared  with  that  used  by 
the  member  to  exercise  his  jaw  gymnastics.    The  physiological 
fact  of  an  ox  losing  his  cud,  and  not  living  long  unless  he  is 
provided  with  a  new  one,  of  course  is  not  paralleled  in  the  case 
of  the  member  referred  to.     His  round  forehead  was  sparely 
covered  with  hair,  his  neck  was  short ;  from  it  was  continued 
a  body  of  such  ample  proportions  that  the  weight  of  the  whole 
concern  was  some  more  pounds  than  two  hundred  avoirdupois. 
With  this  large  body,  he  had  but  a  small  voice,  and  after  much 
exertion  his  breathing  apparatus  was  evidently  destined  to  pre 
vent  the  proper  amount  of  what  Dr.  Slawter  called  oxygen  to 
move  the  vital  current  according  to  the  requirements  either 
of  long  walking  or  long  talking.     He  was  considered  a  joker, 
and  had  a  way  of  enforcing   attention  to  the  display  of  this 
talent  by  a  squeaky  laugh,  and  a  poke  with  his  finger  at  some 
part  of  the  listener's  body,  which,  in  the  experience  of  some 
persons,   lasted  for   some    hours  after  the    first  sensation  in 
flicted  upon  the  field  of  his  enterprising  digitation.     I  had  re 
ceived  one  of  these  finger-points  upon  my  ribs  as  an  accom 
paniment  to  his  self-introduction.     My  experience,  I  dare  say, 
was  not  that  of  a  person  who  saw  any  joke  in  his  impressive 
style.     I    rather    withdrew   from  the   reach  of  his  arm  as  I 
repeated  his  phrase  of  "hoping  for  a  better  acquaintance." 

"  Batkins,'''  Tenpinson  continued,  "  I  don't  know  what  your 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  303 

speech  was  to  be  about,  and  am  sorry  that  I  should  be  obliged 
to  disturb  you ;  but  the  fact  is,  it  was  understood  by  a  party 
of  us  that  there  should  be  no  quorum  this  morning,  so  that 
an  adjournment  would  be  a  matter  of  course.  You  see  there 
is  always  a  way  of  doing  things,  but  it  is  not  necessary  always 
that  everybody  should  know  how  the  thing  is  done.  Now,  I 
am  willing  that  you  should  come  into  the  ring.  If  you  do 
—  why,  if  Cranberry  Centre  helps  Boston,  Boston  will  help 
Cranberry  Centre.  Your  predecessor,  Spring,  understood  this 
thing,  and  found  his  account  in  it." 

•'In  the  ring?"  said  I  to  myself;  "  that's  the  kleenk, 
as  the  man  in  the  '  Silver  Spoon '  called  it,  and  in  my  letter 
too."  It  would  not  do  for  me  to  join  that,  for  I  was  always  to 
vo'te  against  the  Boston  members.  "  But  if  Spring  did  it  per 
haps,"  thought  I,  "that's  the  way  he  'won  his  spurs,'  or  the 
straps  that  fastened  them  on,,  and  that  is  pretty  much  the 
same  thing."  "  Well,"  said  I  to  Tenpinson,  who  had  just  been 
talking  to  another  member,  £'I  will  think  the  matter  over." 

"All  right,"  he  said,  and  walked  away  with  a  member,  to 
say  something  to  Mr.  Banks,  who  had  not  left  his  chair,  and 
who,  I  rather  thought,  was  not  far  out  of  the  ring,  if  he  was 
not  already  in  it.  I  rolled  up  my  papers  and  my  speech,  and, 
as  I  descended  the  stairs. in  the  State  House,  I  felt  more  like 
a  legislator  than  at  any  other  previous  day  of  the  session ;  and 
the  words  I  heard  from  Mr.  Tcnpinson,  that  he  was  willing  I 
should  come  into  the  ring,  kept  humming  i-n  my  ears,,  until  I 
found  myself  repeating  them  in  the  street.  I  am  not  ashamed 
to  state  it  now,  that  such  was  my  condition  of  curiosity  to 
know  what  this  "ring"  meant,  in  my  then  days  of  political 
ignorance  and  innocence,  that  it  is  my  opinion  that  Eve,  when 
listening  to  the  serpent,  was  not  more  thirsty  after  knowledge 
than  I  was  at  Tenpinson's  *  promise  of  good  for  Cranberry 

*  NOTE  OP  EXPLANATION".  —  Thoso  who  desire  a  reason  for  everything  a  person 
may  say  or  do,  may  ask  why  I  selected  the  name^of  Tenpinson.    I  answer,  the  per- 


304  LIFE   OF 

Centre,  which  I  was  to  learn  if  I  accepted  his  rather  plainer 
proposition  than  that  made  in  the  Garden  of  Eden  by  Satan,  in 
his  persuasive  and  inviting  form.  I  went  home  to  think  the 
matter  over,  and  there  I  heard  Spring  had  been  inquiring  for 
me,  and  in  my  opinion  was  manoeuvring  to  secure  my  seat, 
and  win  more  "  spurs,"  or  saddles  and  bridles,  as  the  case 
might  be. 

son  referred  to  was  a  great  hand  at  rolling  ball.  I  never  played  the  game;  I  was 
told  ho  used  to  knock  down  all  the  pins  with  one  ball.  His  chums  called  him  "Old 
Tenstrike."  I  thought  Tenpinson  would  read  better  than  Tenstriker,  my  original 
idea. 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  305 


CHAPTER  XXXVI. 

I    CALL    ON   THE    AUTHOR    OF   THE 

I  AM  under  considerable  restraint  in  composing  this  chapter. 
The  reader  will  perceive  the  novelty  of  the  situation.  I  think, 
if  the  facts  of  this  interview  were  confided  to  a  third  person, 
to  discourse  upon,  it  would  be  more  satisfactory  to  all  concerned ; 
however,  I  shall  endeavor  to  describe  what  occurred,  as  cor 
rectly  as  my  memory,  assisted  by  my  journal,  will  permit.  I  am 
not  allowed  to  make  any  reference  to  personal  peculiarities,  or 
to  make  comparisons  as  to  the  likeness  of  animals,  as  in  other 
cases.  Imagination,  my  reader,  must  supply  the  omission,  if 
you  are  unacquainted  with  the  individual  himself. 

One  afternoon  on  a  disagreeable,  sleety  sort  of  a  day,  I 
started  for  the  residence  of  the  author  of  the  "  Silver  Spoon." 
I  hesitated  a  little  before  I  rung  the  bell,  as  to  which  door  of 
the  house  I  should  call  at.  I  did  not  know  but  I  should  have  to 
pay  him  a  fee,  as  I  was  going  to  consult  him,  first,  you  under 
stand,  professionally.  I  found  out  at  the  theatre  and  the  tav 
erns,  and  a  great  many  other  places,  the  difference  in  doors  of 
entrance  made  a  difference  in  the  price  of  tickets.  I  concluded 
I  would  go  to  the  office  door,  where  two  or  three  people  were  just 
coming  out.  Before  I  rung  the  bell  I  thought  I  had  better  make 
up  my  mind  what  disease  I  would  consult  him  about.  In  doing 
this,  and  thinking  of  my  speech,  as  in  the  case  of  Mr.  Warren. 
I  made  some  noise  with  my  feet.  The  door  was  opened,  before  I 
rung  the  bell,  by  the  author  himself.  I  knew  him  at  once  by 
what  some  of  the  people  had  told  me.  I  pretended  ignorance, 
however,  and  asked  if  the  ....  was  at  home. 


300  LIFE    OF 

"  Walk  in,  sir." 

Ho  had  a  cigar  in  his  mouth,  but  it  was  not  lighted.  I 
walked  into  the  office,  and  at  his  invitation  sat  down.  He  asked 
me  at  the  same  time  if  there  was  anything  offensive  to  me  in 
the  smoke  of  tobacco.  I  said  no ;  but  I  understood  doctors 
generally  agreed  it  was  injurious. 

He  said,  "  You  must  not  always  believe  what  doctors  say." 

"  Then  you  do  not  think  it  is  injurious?" 

"You  see  my  practice.  With  your  permission  I  shall  set 
this  a-going." 

He  lit  his  cigar ;  but  he  kept  his  eye  on  me,  saying,  when 
it  was  well  going,  u  What  can  I  do  for  you  ?  " 

As  I  had  not  made  up  my  mind  what  disease  I  was  to  con 
sult  him  about,  and  as  he  kept  his  eyes  so  fixed  upon  me, 
looking  me  all  over  as  if  he  had  made  up  his  mind  about  some 
thing  in  my  case,  I  was  a  little  uneasy.  When  I  used  to  call 
on  Dr.  Slawtcr  I  felt  differently.  So  I  thought  I  would  put 
it  in  another  way,  and  I  said,  "  I  called  to  see  you,  sir,  to  ask 
you  if  you  see  anything  wrong  about  me." 

"  Yes,  you  are  not  married." 

"  Where  do  you  see  that  ?  " 

Giving  a  long  puff,  and  sending  rings  of  smoke  up  in  the 
air.  one  after  another,  he  replied,  "  I  see  it  in  your  strong  ex 
pression  of  happiness  and  self-reliance." 

"  Are  you  a  mesmerizer  ?  " 

"No." 

li  Then  you  don't  see  any  particular  disease  about  me.  ?  " 

"No." 

"  Did  you  ever  see  me  before  ?  " 

"  That's  what  I  was  thinking ;  but  I  have  come  to  the  con 
clusion  that  I  have  never  seen  you,  but  somebody  very  like  you. 
You  are  from  the  country,  sir?  " 

"  Yes,  sir ;  "  and  to  make  matters  short,  I  thought  I  would 


JEFFERSON  S.    E ATKINS.  307 

tell  him  who  I  was,  and  not  ask  for  any  medical  advice.  "  My 
name  is  Batkins,  sir." 

"Oh,  yes!  that's  where  the  resemblance  is.  I  saw  your 
namesake  at  the  Museum." 

I  pulled  out  the  play-bill  from  my  pocket,  showed  it  to  him, 
and  asked  him  if  he  was  not  the  author,  as  there  stated.  He 
said  it  was  one  of  his  jobs.  "  I  have  been  to  see  Mr.  Kimball 
and  Mr.  Warren  about  the  matter,  and  that  is  what  I  have 
come  to  see  you  for.  I  am  Jefferson  S.  Batkins,  and  I 
come  from  Cranberry  Centre,  and  I  want  to  know  a  little  more 
how  these  things  are  done.  Mr.  Warren  said  he  thought  you 
would  explain  the  matter,  and  give  me  some  information  in  re 
gard  to  Shakespeare,  who,  as  I  understand,  was  a  great  maker 
of  plays,  and  though  he  has  been  dead  more  than  two  hundred 
years,  his  plays  are  acted  now." 

"  That  is  very  true ;  Mr.  W&rren  can  tell  you  more  about 
Shakespeare  than  I  can." 

"  Well,  you  can  tell  me  about  this  '  Silver  Spoon  '  ?  " 

"  Not  much  ;  have  you  heard  this  play,  Mr.  Batkins?  " 

I  told  him  I  had. 

"  I  thought  when  you  came  in  I  had  seen  you  somewhere." 

"  What  I  want  to  know  is,  if  you  think  it  is  right  to  put 
people  on  the  stage  before  they  are  dead,  and  while  they  are 
walking  about  the  streets,  so  people  can  point  at  them  as  they 
do  at  me,  and  say,  l  There  he  goes,'  as  they  do  since  I  was 
put  into  the  Museum  playhouse  ?  " 

"Why  not,  Mr.  Batkins?  The  great  object  of  life  with 
everybody  is,  to  be  in  a  position  such  as  yours,  to  hear  other 
people  say,  '  There  he  goes.'  That's  fame,  that's  reputation, 
that's  notoriety,  Mr.  Batkins." 

"  Did  you  ever  know  of  such  a  case  before  ?  " 

"I  think  I  have." 

"  Not  such  a  case  as  mine  ?  You  did  not  know  me  at  home?  " 

"  Personally,  — no." 


308  •         LIFK    OP 

"  How  caine  I  in  your  play  ?  " 

11  Naturally  enough.  The  dramatist  of  the  novelist,  in 
describing  any  particular  class  of  persons,  creates  a  represen 
tative,  and  in  proportion  as  that  creation  appears  to  be  real,  it 
is  recognized  as  the  type  of  a  class." 

"I  do  not  know  that  I  see  clearly  what  you  mean;  but 
how  came  your  creation,  as  you  call  it,  of  a  representative  to 
be  called  Batkins ;  and  how  comes  he  to  be  the  representative 
from  Cranberry  Centre  ?  " 

"An  accidental  coincidence;  you  are  the  type  of  certain 
country  representatives." 

"  And  you  have  known  living  men  put  on  the  stage  with 
other  men  to  act  them  out  ?  " 

"  Certainly,  Mr.  Batkins,  —  men  and  women  too." 

"My  case  seems  to  be  a  little  different.  When  you  created 
me  to  represent  a  class,  how  came  you  to  call  me  Batkins,  — 
J.  S.  Batkins,  too?" 

"  By  mere  accident,  as  in  the  case  of  '  Paul  Pry.'  in  the  com 
edy.  I  never  knew  a  person  of  the  name ;  there  are  many  that 
are  like  the  author's  creation,  and  a  real  one  might  turn  up. 
So  in  the  farce  of  '  John  Jones  ;  '  it  would  not  be  very  sin 
gular  to  have  a  '  Mr.  John  Jones '  inquire  of  the  play- 
inaker  how  he  came  to  put  him  on  the  stage.  '  Major 
Jack  Downing '  and  '  Colonel  Pluck '  were  both  put  upon  the 
stage:  so  was  'General  Jackson,'  '  Solon  Shingle,'  and  'Sam 
Patch.'" 

"  And  they  all  saw  themselves  there  ?  " 

11  I  cannot  answer  that." 

"I  knew  Mr.  Shingle,  and  when  he  is  put  there  again  I 
will  go  and  see  him.  And  so  they  put  women  on  the  stage 
too,  and  other  women  act  them  out  ?  " 

"Yes,  many  years  ago,  a  celebrated  lady,  who  was  dis 
turbed  at  the  criticisms  of  the  press,  made  a  pen-creation  with 
the  lively  title  of 'Bugs,'  —  bugs  being  her  name  for  the 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  309 

critics.  The  Bugs  piece  was  put  upon  the  stage,  introducing  the 
lady  herself  in  a  representative  character,  — a  blue-stocking." 

•'  A  blue-stocking,  —  what  is  that  ?  " 

"  A  term  used  in  past  days  to  signify  an  intensely  learned 
or  literary  lady.  In  this  case  the  lady  was  an  actress  of 
ability,  an  authoress  of  some  note,  —  one  of  the  family  of  the 
great  Kembles.  Her  case,  in  some  degree,  is  not  unlike  yours, 
Mr.  liatkins." 

"  So  Miss  Kimball   did  have  somebody  else  act  her  out?  " 

"  Yes,  a  gentleman  represented  the  authoress  of  the  '  Bugs,' 
following  the  old  ways  of  Shakespeare's  time,  when  boys  and 
men  acted  female  characters." 

"  A  man  acted  Miss  Kimball,  the  same  as  Mr.  Warren 
acted  me?  " 

'•'Yes,  making  proper  allowances,  of  course." 

"  Was  this  Miss  Kimball  a  relative  to  Mr.  Kimball  of  the 
General  Court,  who  keeps  the  Museum  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Not  any,  Mr.  Batkins  ;  a  different  name,  — Kemble,  not 
Kimball." 

I  asked  if  Shakespeare  put  real  men  and  women  in  his  plays. 

"Yes,  many  historical  characters;  others  imaginative,  but 
reflecting  the  age  and  body  of  the  time,  and  the  subtleties  of 
human  nature." 

"But  he  did  not  make  any  representatives  to  the  General 
Court,"  I  ventured  to  say. 

"No,  but:  — 

"  '  Each  change  of  many-colored  life  ho  drew, 
Exhausted  worlds,  and  then  imagined  new,'  — 

as  Johnson  gave  it." 

I  asked  what  Johnson. 

He  said,  "  Sam." 

I  told  him  I  was  afraid  I  should  not  understand  Shakes 
peare.  I  was  engaged  in  studying,  and,  I  was  not  ashamed  to 


310  LIFE  OF 

own  it,  some  matters  that  I  had  neglected  in  my  younger  days, 
and  I  did  not  suppose  it  was  necessary  to  understand  Shakes 
peare,  in  order  to  perform  my  duties  as  a  legislator. 

"  No,  to  understand  Shakespeare,  however,  woulol  seem  to 
imply  some  previous  mental  training.  If  some  legislators  had 
so  read  Shakespeare  as  to  understand  him,  they  would  not  be 
found  framing  and  defending  useless  statutes,  to  control  human 
appetites  and  tastes.  No  poet  is  borrowed  or  stolen  from  more 
than  Shakespeare.  Distinguished  orators,  often  ignorant  of 
their  origin,  give  credit  to  the  Bible  for  their  quoted  phrases, 
when  a  stage  play  of  Shakespeare  contained  the  enforced  fig 
ure,  or  bold  assertion  of  some  nervous,  energetic  truth." 

As  he  referred  to  distinguished  orators,  I  asked  if  Cicero 
and  Demosthenes  borrowed  ideas  from  Shakespeare.  He  gave 
a  droll  slant  of  his  eyes  at  me,  and  after  a  pause  said  :  — 

"  No,  Mr.  Batkins;  they  flourished  many  centuries  before 
Shakespeare  was  born." 

We  had  gone  away  from  the  object  of  my  visit,  which  was 
to  get  the  hang  of  Batkins  in  the  "  Silver  Spoon."  As  I 
was  about  to  ask  him  how  he  made  these  plays,  a  mes 
senger  came  in  and  delivered  a  note  to  the  author.  Pie 
read  it  hastily,  saying,  u  Mr.  Batkins,  I  am  obliged  to  leave 
you  for  a  short  time.  Here  is  something  to  amuse  you/'  He 
placed  a  volume  of  plays  upon  the  table.  "  Read  Shakes 
peare's  '  Comedy  of  Errors,'  Mr.  Batkins,  and  you  will  dis 
cover  how  two  persons  can  be  so  alike  as  to  interfere  with  their 
recognition.  When  I  return  you  shall  give  me  your  opinion 
of  the  Dromios.  Excuse  me." 

He  left  me,  and  I  thought  I  would  look  about.  I  saw  some 
thing  to  remind  me  of  Dr.  Slawter's  office 

There  was  a  bookcase  full  of  books;  a  sort  of  undersized 
bureau,  for  the  purpose  of  keeping  ....  Upon  this 
was  an  image,  I  supposed,  of  some  great  Boston  ...  I 
afterwards  discovered  my  mistake  in  this  idea.  I  sat  down  to 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  311 

read  the  book.  It  was  as  hard  to  get  at  as  the  "  History  of 
Rome,"  full  of  hard  names,  and  begun,  as  near  as  I  could 
make  out,  about  a  pair  of  twins  and  a  shipwreck.  I  could 
not  see  that  it  had  anything  to  do  with  the  two  Batkinses  in 
any  shape.  I  think  I  should  have  soon  fallen  to  sleep,  but 
my  friend  returned,  much  to  my  satisfaction,  and  asked  me 
how  I  liked  the  book.  I  signified  to  him  that  I  thought  there 
might  be  good  reading  in  it,  but  I  wanted  to  know  a  little 
more  about  things  nearer  home.  I  told  him  I  hoped  he  would 
excuse  me,  but  I  wanted  to  know  a  little  more  about  the  put 
ting  me  into  a  play. 

"  Certainly;  "  he  said,  "  I  will  tell  you  all  about  it. '  Sit 
down." 

I  told  him  I  was  much  obliged  to  him  for  his  politeness  and 
his  information,  and  I  asked  him  whose  image  that  was  on  the 
top  of  his  .  .  .  .  He  said,  "  That  is  a  bust  of  Edwin 
Forrest,  the  tragedian."  I  thought  he  was  a  fine  specimen,  of 
mankind,  and  so  expressed  myself.  He  did  not  look  much 
like  Mr.  Warren ;  of  course  he  did  not  look  like  me.  The 
author  said  no ;  but  if  Mr.  Warren  and  myself  were  seen  sep 
arately,  it  would  be  as  difficult  to  tell  which  was  Batkins  and 
which  was  Warren,  as  in  the  play  of  "  Errors  "  it  was  to  dis 
tinguish  the  two  Dromios. 

I  asked  my  friend  if  Mr.  Forrest  could  make  as  much  merri 
ment  on  the  stage  as  Mr.  Warren  did.  He  smiled,  and  said, 
"  Both  are  artists,  Mr.  Batkins.  They  exoel  in  different 
lines.  I  advise  you,  Mr.  Batkins,  when  Mr.  Forrest  acts,  to 
go  to  the  theatre,  and  hear  him  in  one  of  Shakespeare's  plays. 
I  shall  be  glad  to  know  your  opinion  of  him." 

I  asked  some  questions  as  to  Dr.  Slawter's  theory  of  changes 
and  transmission  in  the  blood. 

I  assured  him  that  I  was  satisfied  with  my  interview,  and 


312  LIFE    OF 

as  I  signified  my  pleasure,  and  took  up  my  hat  and  coat  to 
retire,  my  friend  said,  "  I  shall  be  happy  to  see  you  any  time 
you  may  be  pleased  to  call,  Mr.' Batkins." 

I  accepted  the  invitation  to  call  on  him  again,  with  a  promise 
from  him  to  visit  Cranberry  Centre,  if  he  had  an  opportu 
nity,  when  it  would  give  me  great  pleasure  to  introduce  him  to 
some  of  the  notable  persons  of  the  placet 

*  As  will  bo  seen,  there  are  point9  in  place  of  some  parts  of  our  conversation, 
which  my  coadjutor  declines  to  have  published,  and  refers  me  to  a  passage  in  tho 
second  chapter  of  this  book,  as  to  the  agreement  between  us,  with  this  remark:  "  Mr. 
Batkins,  I  do  not  object  to  the  use  of  tho  words,  '  author  of  the  Silver  Spoon/  but 
I  cannot  permit  tho  use  of  the  author's  name,  or  allow  you  to  circulate  my  profes 
sional  or  political  opinions." 

I  yielded;  it  is  hard  to  write  and  not  printj  and  if  my  reader  does  not  know 
who  the  author  of  the  "  Silver  Spoon"  is,  he  must  look  for  it  on  the  bills  when  the 
play  is  performed.  —  J.  S.  B. 


JEFFERSON    S.    B ATKINS.  313 


CHAPTER  XXXVII. 

A    EECEPTION    PARTY. 

ONE  morning,  not  long  after  my  attempt  at  a  speech,  which 
was  frustrated,  as  my  reader  has  been  informed,  by  the  Bos 
ton  ring,  or  kleenk,  as  they  had  it  in  the  play,  I  found  upon 
the  table  in  my  room  a  letter,  which  smelled  as  sweet  as  a 
barber's  shop,  directed  to  me  in  a  very  nice  handwriting, 
which  I  opened,  angl  read  as  follows :  — 

"  REVERE  HOUSE,  Wednesday  evening,  March  —  . 

"  Miss  AMANDA  FEATHERGILT'S  compliments  to  Mr.  J.  S.  Batkins,  and  begs  his 
acceptance  of  the  enclosed  invitation  for  to-morrow  evening,  from  my  friend,  Mrs. 
Hambleton  Squiek,  who  receives  on  that  occasion,  she  having  just  returned  from 
Europe.  Miss  Fcathergilt  has  the  privilege  of  inviting  one  friend.  Miss  Feather- 
gilt  thought  she  could  not  use  it  more  discreetly,  at  the  same  time  more  satisfacto 
rily  to  herself  and  Mrs.  Squiek,  than  by  placing  it  at  the  disposal  of  her  friend  and 
neighbor,  Mr.  Batkins." 

The  enclosed  invitation  was  printed  on  a  shining  piece  of 
stamped  pasteboard,  and  was  as  follows  :  — 

"  The  pleasure  of  your  company  is  requested  on  Thursday  evening,  March  — , 
1852,  at  8$  P.  M.  "MRS?.  HAMBLETON  SQUIEK." 

This  invitation  stirred  me  up  considerably,  for  many  rea 
sons,  moral,  political,  and  social.  I  had  heard  at  the  State 
House  that  this  party  was  coming  off,  and  that  it  was  to  be 
quite  an  aristocratic  affair.  The  governor  was  to  be  invited  and 
other  distinguished  officials,  including  the  mayor  of  Boston,  and 
some  of  the  aldermen,  and  members  of  the  lower  board,  with 
other  city  dignitaries ;  but  as  my  memory  is  not  sufficient  to 


314  Lint  OF 

retain  all  their  names  I  shall  omit  to  name  any,  and  thus 
avoid  giving  offence  to  the  survivors,  if  any  still  remain.  It 
was  said  the  President  of  the  United  States  was  invited,  but  it 
was  doubtful  if  he  came  so  far  from  his  sphere  of  official  duty, 
to  give  aclaw  —  as  I  then  understood  the  spoken  word ;  it 
was  spelled  eclat  —  to  the  occasion. 

I  did  not  dream  of  an  invitation,  but  it  had  come,  and  from 
Miss  Feathergilt.  I  should  go  to  Mrs.  Hambleton  Squiek's 
great  party,  certainly,  if  I  followed  my  own  inclination,  and  I 
thought  I  would  not  consult  Wilson  on  this  matter,  as  I  was 
in  the  habit  of  doing  on  many  what  I  considered  difficult 
questions.  I  whistled  and  almost  sung,  as  I  walked  about  the 
room  with  the  invitation  in  my  hand,  I  was  so  elated,  when  all 
at  once  a  thought  came  over  me  that  was  a  drawback  on  my 
hilarious  condition.  My  best  suit  of  clothes  was  hardly  the 
pattern  to  appear  in  at  such  a  gay  party,  as  Mrs.  Hambleton 
Squiek's  was  to  be,  in  the  famous  Revere  Tavern ;  and  could 
I  afford  to  lay  out  money  for  anything  new?  I  overhauled 
my  stock,  oid,  looking  at  my  best  trousers,  I  was  reminded  of 
the  accident  to  the  minister's,  at  the  bank  meeting,  in  Simms' 
Folly,  and  did  not  care  to  have  a  repetition  of  any  similar 
outbreak  in  my  own  case. 

I  went  up  to  the  house  at  the  usual  hour,  and  inquired  of 
one  of  the  men  I  had  had  some  talks  with  before,  as  to  fashions 
in  Boston  society,  how  some  gentlemen  dressed,  when  they 
attended  some  of  these  high  free-blows.  I  obtained  the  desired 
information,  which,  if  I  had  attempted  to  follow  out  in  full, 
would  have  taken  a  number  of  my  "per  dierns"  to  have 
footed  the  bill. 

At  this  day  it  seems  to  me  impossible  that  I  should  have 
known  so  little  of  matters  and  things  which  to  others  wore 
every-day  occurrences.  It  was  evident  that  I  must  dress  up 
some,  and,  without  making  any  long  story  about  it,  I  went 
down  to  Oak  Hall,  and  selected  a  new  pair  of  trousers,  a  hand- 


JKFFRRSON  8.   B ATKINS.  315 

some  yellow  vest,  a  pair  of  white  gloves,  and,  yes,  I  borrowed 
a  coat,  as  there  was  not  time  enough  to  have  one  made,  and 
had  them  sent  home.  When  I  gave  my  address,  —  J.  S.  Bat- 
kins,  —  the  young  man  that  tied  up  the  bundle  seemed  delighted 
to  have  me  for  a  customer.  He  wanted  to  know  if  he  should 
send  the  clothes  to  the  State  House,  or  to  Cranberry  Centre. 
I  smiled,  and  wrote  the  name  of  the  street  and  the  number 
of  Wilson's  house,  and  handed  it  to  him.  As  I  was  leaving 
Oak  Hall,  I  observed  the  young  man  beckoning  to  some  of  his 
fellow-shopkeepers  to  look  at  me,  saying,  "  That's  him,  —  Bat- 
kins,"  and  after  I  had  walked  some  ways  from  the  door,  which 
was  opened  for  me  by  a  very  nice-looking  gentleman,  I  turned 
round  and  saw,  I  should  think,  half  of  Mr.  Simmons'  workmen 
looking  after  me. 

I  was  not  offended ;  on  the  contrary,  I  was  pleased  that  I  was 
getting  to  be  so  well  known.  I  never  felt  bad,  to  tell  the  truth, 
when  I  heard  my  name  spoken  in  the  streets,  —  Batkins,  — 
with  "  There  he  goes  "  added  to  it,  and  at  last  I  used  to  read  it 
on  the  Museum  play-bills,  on  the  walls  of  the  houses,  with  real 
pleasure,  and  even  now,  at  this  late  day.  I  am  not  sure  that 
my  heart  will  not  swell  with  emotion,  if  I  should  see  printed  at 
the  booksellers'  doors  and  in  the  newspapers  :  "  For  sale,  '  The 
Life  of  Batkins.'  " 

But,  as  is  often  the  case,  I  am  anticipating  the  future. 
Whatever  should  have  occupied  my  mind,  during  the  interval 
of  my  securing  my  new  clothes  and  the  hour  to  prepare  for  the 
party,  it  did  not  obtain  pre-eminence.  The  State  House 
and  Cranberry  Centre,  for  the  time,  were  partially  put  aside. 

I  do  not  propose  to  record  the  incidents  of  my  preparatory 
operation.  Upon  looking  into  a  mirror  I  was  satisfied  with 
my  appearance.  I  certainly  had  not  seen  myself  so  well  at 
tired  before.  As  my  overcoat  and  hat  would  not  be  seen  by 
the  party,  I  had  made  no  change  in  these  useful,  if  not  orna 
mental,  parts  of  my  equipage.  I  put  them  on,  walked  to 


316  LTFK    OF 

the  Revere  House  as  if  I  was  no  stranger  to  the  streets 
leading  to  that  great  tavern.  I  ascended  the  steps,  passed 
under  the  portico,  and  was  met  by  a  young  man,  who  took  my 
hat  and  coat,  gave  me  a  check,  with  a  number  76,  and  placed 
the  venerable  garments  on  a  shelf  near  some  of  the  more  ele 
gant  outfits  of  Boston's  favorite  sons.  I  was  then  shown  up- 
sjtairs  to  a  handsome  parlor  filled  with  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
among  whom  the  Feathergilt  family  were  prominent.  Miss 
Amanda,  I  thought,  looked  as  well  as  any  of  them,  and  a 
great  deal  less  like  a  rat  than  ever  I  saw  her  before.  I  was 
presented  to  the  hostess  of  the  evening,  as  they  called  her, 
Mrs.  Hambleton  Squiek,  and  her  husband,  Mr.  Squiek,  —  he 
was  the  host;  I  was  the  guest.  That  was  the  first  time  in 
my  life  I  understood  these  terms  in  their  proper  relations. 

The  peopled  talked  on  all  subjects.  I  was  introduced  to  many 
people  ;  among  the  rest  to  a  lady  who  moved  majestically  round 
the  room,  —  the  widow  of  General  Swamscott,  who,  if  the 
question  of  quantity  was  to  decide  it,  was  the  belle  of  the  party. 
I  begun  to  wish  I  knew  Mrs.  General  Swamscott  better,  as 
she  talked  of  war,  politics,  and  legislation  as  well  as  a  man,  and 
I  thought  of  what  Bean  said ;  if  I  had  a  wife  like  Mrs. 
Swamscott  she  could  assist  my  political  prospects  very  much. 

I  thought  Miss  Feathergilt  seemed  to  be  a  little  jealous  of 
my  attention  to  Mrs.  Swamscott,  although  she  introduced  me 
to  her,  and  my  conscience,  which  always  had  a  great  deal  to 
do  in  keeping  me.  about  right,  did  whisper  to  me  that,  as  I 
should  not  have  had  the  pleasure  of  being  at  this  party  but  for 
Miss  Feathergilt,  I  ought  to  give  her  a  little  attention. 
Miss  Feathergilt  joined  us,  saying  to  Mrs.  Swamscott,  who  was 
laughing  merrily  at  something  I  said,  —  I  dare  say  a  good 
joke,  though  I  might  not  have  Dcen  aware  of  it,  —  "  Will  you 
permit  me,  my  dear,  to  rob  you  of  Mr.  Batkins'  company  for  a 
moment  ?  I  desire  to  present  him  to  Alderman ,  I  have  for 
gotten  his  name,  and  cannot  obtain  it  now,  —  a  rather  fat  man." 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  317 

"  Oh,  certainly,"  said  Mrs.  Swamscott;  "we  shall  meet 
again.  Mr.  Batkins,  and  continue  our  conversation." 

She  made  an  elegant  courtesy,  kissed  her  hand  to  me,  and 
swept  away  from  us,  throwing  her  dress  about  in  a  way  such 
as  I  never  saw  before  except  in  a  theatre,  where  the  ladies 
seem  to  do  everything  in  a  style  that  will  put  romantic 
notions  into  the  head  of  most  any  man,  not  even  excepting  a 
member  of  the  General  Court. 

I  obeyed  Miss  Feathergilt's  request  to  come  with  her,  and 
in  another  part  of  the  room  she  introduced  me  to  her  friend, 
the  alderman,  who  began  to  talk  with  rne  about  the  prohibitory 
law,  then  on  its  passage  at  the  State  House.  I  gave  him  my 
views,  as  usual  at  considerable  length,  while  Miss  Feathergilt 
was  engaged  in  conversation  with  a  curious-looking  gentleman, 
who  I  was  told  was  the  editor  of  a  temperance  newspaper. 

The  alderman  said,  "  Batkins,  you  country  members  are  too 
hard  on  us  in  the  city  ;  if  you  don't  want  any  rum,  don't 
have  it;  but  let  us  have  it,  if  we  want  it." 

I  told  him  I  was  willing  for  everybody  to  have  what  they 
wanted,  if  they  could  get  it. 

"  That's  right.  I  knew  by  your  looks  you  was  all  right. 
You  will  vote  against  this  new  law.  It's  no  use  to  make  it ; 
people  will  do  as  they  please,  law  or  no  law.  How  is  it  going  ?  " 

I  told  him  I  did  not  know  ;   I  guessed  "  all  right." 

"  Ah,  that's  what  you  all  say.  Now,  Batkins,  you  know  the 
governor  will  veto  any  prohibitory  law,  don't  you?  " 

I  told  him  I  could  not  speak  for  the  governor. 

"  Then  you  are  not  in  the  ring^?  " 

"  The  clique?    No." 

"  See  that  fellow,"  said  the  alderman,  pointing  to  the  curi 
ous-looking  gentleman  referred  to  as  the  editor  of  the  temper 
ance  newspaper, — u  he  is  here  mousing  round  to  see  if  this 
reception  is  on  temperance  principles." 

I  was  amazed  at  this.     Says  I,  ' '  Mr.  Alderman,  this  is  a 


318  LIFE    OP 

private  party ;  the  prohibitory  law  would  not  prevent  the  use 
of  wine  in  this  tavern,  on  such  an  occasion,  would  it?  " 

"Why,  yes,  if  you  have  ruin,  somebody  must  sell  it ;  but, 
between  ourselves,  this  party  is  not  altogether  a  private  party. 
Mrs.  Squiek's  husband  wants  to  go  to  Congress.  The  dodge 
is  to  be  temperance,  to  get  the  votes  of  his  district.  I  don't 
know  but  he  lives  in  your  district.  Now,  this  is  a  strictly 
temperance  levee.  You  see  the  force  of  public  opinion. 
Squiek  is  in  the  habit  of  taking  his  'tods,'  and,  for  the  mat 
ter  of  that,  they  say  Mrs.  Squiek  does  too ;  so  that  cold-water 
editor  is  invited  here  as  a  compliment  to  his  clique." 

I  told  the  alderman  he  surprised  me ;  and  so  he  did,  and  I 
was  getting  information  too,  as  to  how  the  "  cat  was  jumping," 
as  the  old  saying  is. 

"  But,"  continued  the  alderman,  "as  you  are  all  right,  I'll 
show  you  there  are  two  sides  to  the  question.  Come  with  me. 
I  will  introduce  you  to  some  first-rate  fellows." 

I  saw  that  Miss  Feathergilt  was  still  engaged  in  conversa 
tion  with  a  lady,  and  I  followed  the  alderman  up  two  or  three 
flights  of  stairs,  where  I  heard  some  loud  laughing  and 
smelled  tobacco-smoke.  A  door  opened,  and  displayed,  spread 
on  a  large  table,  bottles,  glasses,  cigars,  eatables  and  drink 
ables,  including  those  things  in  the  tin  boxes  that  I  saw  at  the 
Museum,  that  made  Mr.  Warren  so  sick,  that  he  called  "  little 
fishes  biled  in  ile."  I  was  asked  to  imbibe,  after  having  been 
introduced  to  the  party  assembled.  They  were  talking  about 
Mr.  Banks,  who,  they  said,  had  just  been  there.  I  did  not 
see  him,  so  I  cannot  say  he  had  been  there.  I  declined  the 
hard  drink,  but,  for  appearance'  sake,  pretended  to  drink  some 
of  that  squirting  wine  they  had,  —  champagne,  they  called  it,  — 
and  tried  to  eat  one  of  the  fishes  ;  but  either  the  ile,  or  the 
thought  of  Mr.  Warren's  experience  after  I  had  seen  him  try 
it  in  the  play,  prevented  my  enjoying  the  luxury  at  that  time, 
but  which  since,  as  it  is  said  to  be  necessary  in  order  to  appre- 


JEFFERSON   S.    BATKINS.  319 

ciate  olives,  I  have  done  in  the  case  of  sardines,  learned  to  eat 
them. 

After  a  few  moments  with  the  alderman,  I  returned  to  the 
parlor.  As  we  came  downstairs,  he  observed,  "  Mr.  Batkins, 
this,  you  see,  is  a  temperance  party,  and  that  fellow  will  pub 
lish  it  as  such  in  his  paper  to-morrow,  if  you  do  not  unde 
ceive  him." 

When  we  arrived,  the  guests  were  engaged  in  partaking  of  re 
freshments,  without  the  upper-room  accompaniments, —  cakes, 
oysters,  salads,  ice-creams,  fruit  and  lemonade.  Coffee  and  tea 
were  in  abundance. 

I  joined  Miss  Feathergilt,  assisted  her  in  securing  some 
ice-cream,  while  I  thought  I  would  partake  of  some  oysters 
one  of  the  waiters  placed  in  my  hands ;  but  the  thought 
of  their  use  many  years  before  to  my  eyes,  by  order  of  Dr. 
Slawter,  after  my  interview  with  the  sea-captain's  wife,  or  the 
idea  of  Bean's  trick  upon  me  at  that  time,  rather  turned  my 
inclinations  into  disgust.  I  declined  the  oysters,  and  swal 
lowed  a  plateful  of  a  pudding  they  called  Charlotte  something, 
much  to  the  enjoyment  of  Miss  Amanda,  who  said  she  was 
delighted  to  see  my  expression  of  fondness  for  the  pastry  with 
a  feminine  name.  It  was  a  compliment  to  the  original  Char 
lotte  Russe.  I  said,  "Charlotte  how,  Miss  Feathergilt?" 
She  said,  "  Russe."  I  did  not  quite  catch  it,  but  I  said,  "  Yes," 
with  a  smile.  I  told  her  I  was  always  fond  of  feminine  names, 
and  if  all  feminines  were  as  nice  as  this  pie  she  called  Char 
lotte  Russe,  I  should  not  wonder  if  they  had  admirers  in 
abundance. 

Amanda  seemed  pleased,  and  whispered,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  did 
you  say  anything  very  particular  to  Mrs.  Swamscott?  " 

"  About  what?  "  said  I,  reaching  for  another  piece  of  Char 
lotte  Russe. 

"  Did  you  tell  her  you  was  a  bachelor?  " 
"No,  indeed." 


320  LIFE    OF 

"  What  did  you  say  to  Mrs.  Swamscott  about  marriage,  Mr. 
Batkins?" 

"  Nothing.     Why  do  you  ask  me  that  question?  " 

"  Because  she  asked  me  if  you  were  a  marrying  man." 

"  Well,  what  did  you  tell  her,  Miss  Feathergilt?  " 

"I  told  her  at  one  time  I  thought  you  had  some  inclina 
tion  that  way ;  but  on  the  whole  I  could  not  say." 

She  was  still  eating  a  piece  of  frozen  colored  cream,  but  I 
thought  looked  at  me  as  much  as  to  say,  "  Batkins,  you  ought 
to  marry  me."  I  confess  sometimes  I  did  think  I  ought  to  have 
given  her  a  hint  that  way,  at  least ;  but  then  Aunt  Dolly  did 
not  like  her,  and  I  felt  I  ought  to  please  Aunt  Dolly  ;  so  I  said 
to  her,  "  I  am  too  old,  and  have  given  up  the  idea,  or  if  1  had 
the  idea,  I  do  not  know  where  I  could  find  a  woman  who 
would  have  me.  I  should  not  like  to  be  refused,  now,  would 
you,  Amanda,  that  is.  Miss  Feathergilt?  " 

She  hesitated  a  moment,  looked  at  me,  took  up  a  large 
piece  of  frosted  cake,  and  said,  "Mr.  Batkins,  now  tell  me, 
are  you  engaged  to  any  lady  ?  J ' 

I  replied,  "Miss  Feathergilt,  I  am  not." 

"  Mrs.   Swamscott  didn't  ask  you  to  marry  her,  did  she?  " 

"No,  indeed,  Miss  Amanda." 

"Well,  Mr.  BatkinSj  if  you  have  no  preference  for  any 
lady,  and  you  should  think  of  getting  married,  you  can  have 
me  one  of  these  days." 

I  was  pleased  at  this  proposition,  but  yet  I  was  amazed,  you 
understand  ;  nevertheless,  I  did  not  know  how  to  answer  her 
I  could  not  say  no,  and,  to  tell  the  truth,  as  I  have  hinted 
Mrs.  Swamscott  had  done  something  to  me  which  sent  me  on 
the  matrimonial  anxious  seat ;  but  she  had  not  offered  herself 
in  so  many  words. 

I  said,  "Miss  Feathergilt,  you  have  taken  me  by  surprise 
by  your  complimentary  offer.  I  know  there  are  many  good 
things  about  you.  I  am  under  obligations  to  you;  but  Aunt 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  321 

Dolly  don't  exactly  like  you.  I  am  under  a  kind  of  promise 
not  to  marry,  if  I  ever  do  marry,  — and  I  do  not  know  as  I  ever 
shall,  — I  say  I  am  under  a  kind  of  promise  not  to  marry 
anybody  that  Aunt  Dolly  would  object  to." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Batkins.  I  do  not  want  you  to  marry  me  unless 
I  am  agreeable  to  you,  and  I  think  I  can  be  so ;  but  if  I  am 
agreeable  to  you,  or  should  I  be,  I  will  take  the  risk  of  Aunt 
Dolly's  agreeing  to  it  on  my  own  shoulders." 

"  Shoulders,"  I  looked  at  them  outside  of  her  dress.  I 
thought  they  were  broad  enough  to  risk  it.  I  said,  "  Miss 
Feathergilt,  when  the  session  is  over,  we  will  see.  I  take  this 
opportunity  to  thank  you  for  the  invitation  to  this  party  of 
Mrs.  Hambleton  Squiek's.  I  see  the  people  are  beginning 
to  go  home,  and  your  father  will  be  expecting  you," 

"  Oh,  no,  Mr.  Batkins,  he  has  gone  home  long  ago.  Ma 
was  not  well,  and  could  not  come,  so  I  told  pa  you  would  get 
into  the  carriage  and  come  with  me.  Our  acquaintance  com 
menced  with  a  ride." 

"  Yes,  in  a  shower.  Very  well,  I  will  get  my  hat  and 
overcoat  and  go  with  you,  Miss  Amanda,  with  pleasure." 

"Just  speak  to  Tom  at  the  door,  Mr.  Batkins,  and  he  will 
call  the  carriage.  I  will  be  ready  soon." 

I  left  her.  I  saw  Tom ;  he  called  the  carriage.  Miss 
Feathergilt  came  to  the  door,  and  entered  the  carriage.  I  fol 
lowed  her,  and  rode  home  with  her.  Thus  ended  my  visit  to 
Mrs.  Hambleton  Squiek's  reception  party,  but  as  to  Amanda 
and  Mrs.  Swamscott  let  my  reader  wait.  Time  and  patience 
work  wonders. 


322  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

EXPERIENCES    OF    WOMEN. 

I  HAD  very  materially  added  to  my  list  of  experiences. 
I  had  so  often  heard  the  subject  of  marriage  discussed  in 
the  manner  that  never  gives  offence  to  a  bachelor,  by  in 
terested  representative  candidates  for  wedlock,  that  I'  more 
seriously  than  ever  began  to  take  to  heart  some  of 
the  recollections  of  these  pleasant  discussions,  and  I 
actually  did,  sometimes,  find  myself  putting  to  myself 
the  query  whether  Mrs.  General  Swamscott  meant  any 
thing  when  she  said  no  man  should  be  a  public  func 
tionary  who  had  not  a  wife  to  assist  him  in  framing 
a  little  democracy  in  his  household.  My  notion  of  domes 
tic  government  in  the  family  kingdom,  however,  liad  been 
rather  against  democracy  in  the  territory.  My  father's  doc 
trine  was  of  a  high  order  of  the  patriarchal,  and  insisted  upon 
the  authority  of  a  king  in  the  paternal  office.  My  mother 
held  a  different  opinion,  and  practically,  I  believe,  endeavored 
to  carry  out  her  views.  Her  reign,  as  it  was  called,  was 
comparatively  short,  and  I  do  not  propose  to  open  a  page  in 
family  history  at  this  time,  as  it  is  not  necessary  to  settle  the 
question  of  Mrs.  General  Swamscott's  matrimonial  strategy,  as 
she  called  it,  or  the  tactics  of  love  in  the  presence  of  the 
enemy,  she  maintaining  that  bachelors  and  old  maids  were 
enemies  of  progress,  and,  if  they  did  not  surrender  uncondi 
tionally,  were  to  be  captured  and  punished,  according  to  the 
usages  of  war. 
•  I  cannot  well  describe  Mrs.  General  Swamscott.  She  was  a 


JEFFERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  323 

widow,  and  labelled  as  a  specimen  of  wine,  instead  of  woman, 
her  age  would  have  dated  from  a  grape  season  of  forty 
years  before.  She  was  bulky  and  tall.  I  have  seen  a  pic 
ture  of  Columbia,  with  the  flag  around  her,  which  conveys  my 
idea  of  Mrs.  Swarnscott  exactly.  I  do  not  know  how  she 
appears  to  other  men's  eyes.  I  have  heard  how  her  figure 
and  embellishments  were  talked  of  by  some  persons.  As  they 
were  generally  the  expressions  of  women  of  more  diminutive 
stature  and  less  masculine  proportions,  I  shall  not  repeat  them. 
The  deceased  general  was  undersized,  as  they  would  have  said 
had  he  offered  himself  to  the  recruiting  officer  to  be  enrolled 
among  the  enlisted  men.  As  he  never  proposed  to  do  duty 
as  a  private  soldier,  he  was  not  refused,  and  when  he  offered 
to  become  the  commanding  officer  of  the  lady  now  the  relict 
of  the  late  general,  his  size  proved  no  obstacle,  and  they  were 
married.  She  never  spoke  much  in  my  hearing  of  her  married 
life.  There  were  no  offspring  of  Swamscott,  which  made  the 
military  widow  more  eligible,  her  future  husband  being  not 
entitled  to  a  step-father's  duties  and  delights. 

To  continue  my  description  of  Mrs.  General  Swamscott 
would  not  much  enlighten  my  reader  as  to  her  appearance, 
if  he  should  meet  her,  nor  would  he  recognize  her  by  my  word- 
painting  of  her  beauties  of  feature  or  character ;  yet  she  did 
appear  to  me  to  possess  a  determined  will  and  firmness  of  pur 
pose  in  a  cause  worthy  of  her  talent,  to  cause  a  husband, 
unless  he  possessed  similar  qualities,  and  had  practically  made 
her  acquainted  with  them,  to  "Hail  Columbia!"  when 
ever  she  pleased,  and  not  say  the  same  thing  to  any  other 
lady  and  let  her  hear  of  it.  The  lady  had  made  impressions 
on  me  sufficient  to  cause  me  to  think  of  her  as  a  companion 
at  the  breakfast-table  and  other  places  where  wives  and  hus 
bands  meet,  as  it  were,  on  neutral  ground. 

I  looked  at  her  as  she  ma,j§stically  crossed  the  street  on  a 
rainy  day,  in  defiance  of  rain  and  storm,  and  as  she  stepped  over 


32-i  LiiK    OF 


a  young  river,  from  the  roadway  to  the  sidewalk,  —  something 
of  a  distance,  —  I  could  not  help  exclaiming,  in  the  words  of 
somebody,  '  '  If  she  were  mine  I  could  say  :  — 

'I  am  monarch  of  all  I  survey.'" 

This  exclamation  grew  out  of  an  ecstasy  of  admiration  at 
the  display  of  that  part  of  her  person  enclosed  in  stockings  and 
boots.  Of  course,  my  practical  experience  in  getting  at  the 
weight  of  cattle  by  a  general  estimate  of  the  proportion  of 
parts  unseen  with  the  parts  seen  was  an  advantage  in  settling, 
as  it  were,  about  her  weight,  when  she  was  covered  up  in  the 
various  and  mysterious  articles  of  woman's  wear  ;  but  now  I 
had  a  glimpse  of  more  than  usually  meets  the  eye  when  a 
lady's  proportions  are  to  be  considered,  —  not  the  case  of  course 
in  horse  and  cattle  questions. 

I  cannot  explain  what  I  am  about  to  relate.  While  I  was 
suffering  with  this  paroxysm  of  delight  at  the  firm  step  and 
agile  movement  of  Mrs.  General  Swamscott,  the  thought  came 
to  me,  that  the  power  that  had  so  gracefully  and  readily  trans 
ferred  the  body  of  Mrs.  General  Swamscott  over  the  water, 
however  concealed  in  the  tight-fitting  stocking  and  delicate  boot, 
might,  if  directed  against  any  part  of  the  person  of  her 
companion,  be  as  effectual  in.  gracefully  or  not,  readily  enough 
moving  him  into  the  street  or  elsewhere,  as  her  whim  or  ca 
price  directed.  I  heard  afterwards  this  course  of  gymnastics 
she  did  sometimes  practise  upon  the  general,  though  I  will  not 
be  responsible  for  the  truth  of  the  saying.  Thus,  in  a  moment 
as  it  were,  "in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye,"  my  love  for  the 
widow,  or  something  like  it,  resolved  itself  into  a  "No,  I 
thank-you  '?  kind  of  state  of  mind,  which  caused  me  to  chuckle 
over  my  continued  state  of  single-blessedness.  One  question 
in  my  mind  is  still  unsettled,  whether  I  was  seen  by  her  or 
not,  or  if  she  made  the  leap  ove/  the  sluice-way,  in  order  to 
display  that  agile  movement,  which,  to  women  of  large 


-JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  325 

proportions,  is  a  source  of  pride  and  perhaps  excusable 
vanity. 

Closing  my  account  with  Mrs.  General  Swamscott,  to  whom 
the  reader  will  recollect  I  was  introduced  at  Mrs.  Hamilton 
Squiek's  by  Mies  Feathergilt,  led  me,  naturally  enough,  to  think 
of  the  proposal  made  to  me  conditionally  by  my  neighbor  and 
admirer  of  Cranberry  Centre.  To  put  it  fairly,  I  might  say 
she  had  offered  herself  to  me.  I  suppose  a  great  many  mar 
riages  grow  out  of  similarly  made  propositions,  and  I  am  free 
to  say  I  do  not  see  any  more  harm  in  a  lady's  proposing  to  a 
gentleman  than  in  a  gentleman's  proposing  to  a  lady.  In' fact, 
it  is,  properly  considered,  the  more  natural  way.  According  to 
sacred  writ,  it  must  have  been  Eve  who  proposed  to  Adam, 
whatever  of  good  or  evil  came  of  it.  We  can't  always  tell, 
you  understand,  so  that  the  affair  turns  out  well,  what  is  the 
difference,  be  that  as  it  may  ? 

When  I  rode  to  the  house  of  a  friend  on  the  evening  of  the 
party,  where  the  Feathergilts  were  visiting,  Miss  Amanda  set 
things  to  rights,  by  telling  me  why  she  spoke  her  mind  so 
freely.  I  do  not  know  that  it  is  necessary  to  repeat  here  all 
she  said.  She  left  matters  so  that  I  was  not  to  be  compro 
mised,  if  I  saw  anybody  I  preferred,  or  if  Aunt  Dolly  would  not 
give  her  consent.  I  met  her  the  next  day.  She  gave  me  the 
news  from  the  Centre,  and  said  she  should  come  down  to  hear 
my  speech  on  the  prohibitory  law.  This  was  a  soft  spot  to 
me,  and  it  would  be  of  no  use  to  say  that  it  did  not  have 
some  effect  upon  me,  arid  I  am  not  sure  that  it  did  not  lead  to 
my  thinking  less  of  Mrs.  General  Swamscott  even  before  I 
witnessed  her  jumping  qualities,  as  I  have  before  mentioned. 

It  was  pretty  clear  in  my  mind  that  to  preserve  my  politi 
cal  position,  I  must  be  married,  and  I  began  to  think  Miss 
Feathergilt,  if  I  should  ever  go  to  Congress,  would  shine  at 
the  capitol.  I  held  up  on  that  idea ;  it  appeared  selfish,  I 
did  not  think  money  would  influence  me  in  such  a  matter.  I 


326  LIFE   OF 

must  confess,  as  my  reader  is  aware,  I  knew  her  father  was 
very  wealthy,  and  was  desirous  that  his  daughter  should 
marry  some  one  distinguished  in  public  life.  This  set  me 
thinking  that  some  other  of  these  Boston  officials  might  be 
tempted  a  little  to  offer  her  marriage,  and  I  might  suddenly 
hear  that  some  alderman  or  councilman  had  taken  from  Cran 
berry  Centre  its  most  wealthy  maiden  ;  in  that  case  the  name 
of  Batkins  would  not  take  the  place  of  Feathergilt,  nor  the 
Feathergilt  fortune  assist  the  Batkins'  ambition  to  a  seat  in 
Congress.  With  this  in  my  mind,  I  ascended  the  State  House 
steps,  and  .was  just  in  time  to  answer  to  my  name,  and  vote 
with  the  majority. 


JEFFERSON  S.    BA.TKINS.  327 


CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

SIXTY    DOLLARS. 

I  WAS  at  my  post  of  duty  at  the  State  House  every  day. 
It  was  instructive,  interesting,  and  amusing  to  me  to  listen  to 
the  debates  on  the  liquor  law.  If  I  had  been  a  stranger  to 
our 'ways  of  conducting  public  business,  I  should  have  thought 
there  was  danger  of  producing  a  war  in  the  State  House, 
and  if  the  words  of  the  representatives  meant  anything,  it 
would  be  a  war  to  the  knife,  —  though  I  did  not  exactly 
understand  what  that  belligerent  metaphor  meant  in  a  war 
of  oratorical  weapons. 

The  liquor  law  bill,  with  the  various  proposed  amendments, 
by  both  friends  and  enemies  to  it,  was  unmercifully  pounded 
with  strong  language  from  day  to  day,  by  the  war-horses  and 
the  colts,  now  in  their  first  battles,  and  smelling  for  the  first 
time  the  smoke  of  the  conflicts  on  the  floors  of  the  Senate 
chamber,  and  the  popular  arena  of  the  House. 

The  speeches  were  terribly  convincing  on  both  sides,  causing 
me  great  embarrassment,  and  requiring  constant  changes  in 
the  disposition  of  the  strong  language,  out  of  which  I  was  con 
stantly  constructing  and  reconstructing  my  —  as  it  was  hinted 
at  —  powerful  maiden  speech.  I  was  making  notes  of  what  I 
supposed  to  be  strong  points,  in  my  memorandum-book,  while 
the  debate  was  going  on,  and  I  dare  say  I  expressed  my  sen 
timents  on  the  same  by  an  approving  smile,  an  affirmative  nod, 
or  a  shake  of  the  head,  a  turn  of  the  eye,  a  shrug  of  the 
shoulders,,  when  there  was  a  doubt  in  my  mind,  or  a  positive 


328  LIFE    OF 

negative  conviction,  — if  there  was  ever  anything  positive  in 
me  at  that  time. 

I  was  observed  bj  some,  if  not  "  the  observed  of  all  observ 
ers,"  for  Tenpirison  said  to  me  one  day,  "  Batkins,  we  expect 
when  your  turn  comes  you  will  not  leave  a  leg  for  this  mon 
strous  conception  to  stand  upon." 

I  smiled  as  usual,  but  I  made  no  reply  ;  the  .rhetoric  here 
was  too  much  for  me.  I  think  he  understood  me  that  I  agreed 
with  him  that  the  bill  was  "  a  monstrous  conception,"  and 
that  of  course  I  should  speak  and  vote  against  it  in  every 
shape  ;  but  that  would  be  acting  with  the  Boston  clique.  *  I 
had  not  yet  arrived  at  that  determination.  Then  as  to*  the 
bill,  —  this  "  monstrous  conception  "  ijot  having  a  leg  to  stand 
upon,  —  I  could  neither  see  how  a  bill  could  be  said  to  have 
legs,  nor  by  what  process,  if  it  had,  my  speech  was  to  perform 
the  operation  of  amputation. 

My  friend,  whom  I  have  agreed  to  have  my  readers  call 
Colonel  Silk,  took  every  occasion  to  be  near  me  when  I  was 
taking  notes,  and  one  day  he  said,  "  Batkins,  you  must  be 
laying  yourself  out  for  a  great  speech.  Now,  in  confidence, 
tell  me,  —  is  it  not  so  ?  " 

A  little  off  my  guard,  I  said,  "Yes,  colonel,  I  am  trying 
to  put  things  together  a  little.  I  do  not  know  how  I  shall 
come  out." 

t:  Come  out?"  said  the  colonel,  "how  should  you  come  out  ? 
You  will  not,  of  course,  try  to  compete  with  these  lawyers, 
with  their  great  forensic  efforts,  which,  after  all,  are  '  full  of 
sound  and  fury,  signifying  nothing.'  One  of  your  plain, 
straightforward,  common-sense,  farmer-like  speeches,  going 
right  to  the  mark,  would  knock  their  airy  fabrics  into  annihi 
lating  space." 

I  smiled  again,  saying,  "  Cincinnatus  was  a  farmer.  I 
never  read  any  of  his  speeches.  But  Cicero  and  Demosthenes 
were  not  farmers,  eh,  colonel?  "  and  here  I  smiled  again. 


JEFFERSON  S.    £ ATKINS.  329 

The  colonel  said  he  believed  they  were  not;  the  days  of 
such  men  were  over.  "  Batkins,  give  it  to  them.  I  wish  I 
had  been  a  farmer." 

I  have  heard  people  say,  in  order  to  account  for  some 
strange  marriages,  that  there  were  times  when  the  human 
mind  was  strangely  compliant,  and,  as  it  were,  bent  on  its  own 
destruction,  so  far  as  a  determination  to  carry  out  an  idea  is 
concerned  ;  and  also,  as  it  is  said,  flattery,  expressed  or  im 
plied,  is  an  agent  powerful  to  produce  this  state,  in  opposition 
to  preconceived  opinions.  I  must  have  been  in  this  state,  and 
acted  upon  by  this  agent,  when  I  asked  the  colonel  if  he  would 
like  to  hear  me  read  my  speech. 

He  replied,  "  With  great  pleasure,  Batkiris.  I  was  about 
to  ask  for  that  privilege ;  but  you  farmers  are  such  long 
headed  chaps."  If  he  had  said  long-eared,  I  suppose  I  should  not 
have  felt  pleased  then,  but  my  reader  will  think  he  would  have 
been  right,  when  he  comes  to  the  sequel.  After  a  pause  and  a 
smile,  which  might  be  translated  into  the  phrase,  "I-  guess 
not,"  yet  willing  to  take  the  credit  implied  in  the  compliment, 
I  responded  :  "  You  flatter  us  from  the  rural  districts,  colonel." 
I  was  about  to  draw  on  my  recollections  from  the  "History 
of  Rome  "  for  something  Caesar  said,  or  something  somebody 
said  to  him,  on  this  account.  It  came  thus :  — 

"  I  kiss  thy  hand,  but  not  in  flattery,  Caesar.' 

It  will  be  seen  how  history  repeats  itself :  Caesar  and  Batkins  ! 
The  colonel  said  there  was  no  flattery  in  his  remark.  "I 
shall  be  delighted  to  hear  your  speech,  and  if  I  can  see  any 
thing  to  be  improved,  and  you  will  not  be  offended,  I  shall  be 
pleased  to  offer  you  some  suggestions. 

I  told  the  colonel,  after  the  adjournment  I  would  meet  him, 
and  we  would  go  into  one  of  the  committee  rooms,  and  I  would 
read  my  speech  to  him.  I  had  to  go  down  to  the  market  to 


830  LTFR    OF 

receive  some  money  for  a  neighbor.  Then  I  would  go  home 
for  my  speech,  and  meet  him  in  the  major's  room,  at  three 
o'clock,  in  the  State  House. 

The  colonel  left  me,  saying  he  had  some  business  to  do  at 
the  bank,  but  that  he  would  be  punctual  at  three  o'clock. 
Just  at  this  moment,  my  friend  Joseph,  one  of  the  pages  of 
the  House,  —  I  dare  say  every  member  of  the  session  will  re 
member  Joseph,  —  I  thought,  was  trying  to  speak  to  me  ;  but 
the  colonel  took  him  one  side,  and  while  thus  engaged  I  left 
the  hall.  My  reader  will  discover  hereafter  that  I  was  right 
in  my  conjecture  that  Joseph  had,  at  that  time,  something  to 
say  to  me. 

I  received  the  money  at  the  market-house,  —  a  building  I 
frequently  visited,  —  went  to  my  place  of  abode,  rolled  up  the 
loose  sheets  of  paper  on  which  my  speech  was  written,  and 
after  dinner  I  wended  my  way  to  the  State  House.  The 
colonel  was  "  on  hand,"  as  he  remarked,  and  without  loss  of 
time  we  repaired  to  the  then  unoccupied  green-room.  I  shall 
be  brief  in  the  narrative  of  what  occurred. 

The  colonel  took  a  chair,  lit  a  cigar,  and  said,  "  Go  ahead, 
Batkins." 

I  commenced  to  read,  when  the  colonel  interrupted  me  by 
saying,  "  Batkins,  read  straight  on;  if  I  have  any  remarks  to 
make  I  will  defer  them  to  the  end ;  then  we  will  have  a  cheer 
ful  talk  over  the  matter." 

I  began  again,  reading  steadily  on,  looking  up  now  and  then 
to  see  what  the  effect  was  upon  the  colonel,  particularly  where 
the  "spurs"  came  in.  I  thought  he  was  remarkably  atten 
tive  for  a  person  of  his  bustling  way.  He  had  his  feet  up  on 
the  table,  his  hat  on  over  his  eyes,  and  two  or  three  times  I 
thought  his  cigar  dropped  out  of  his  mouth,  and  there  was  a 
sound  not  unlike  a  snore.  When  I  had  concluded  he  said, 
"  Splendid,  Batkins,  a  d — d  fine  speech,  that  will  knock 
thunder  out  of  them." 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  331 

I  smiled,  rolled  up  my  speech,  and  asked  him  which  side  it 
would,  in  his  judgment,  knock  the  thunder  out  of. 

He  said,  "All  of  them,  Batkins.  You  have  hit  'em  all 
round." 

"  That  was  contrary  to  my  intentions,"  I  said ;  "  I  did  not 
mean  to  hit  anybody.  My  object  was  to  make  a  conciliatory 
speech,  to  harmonize  different  antagonisms." 

The  colonel  said  there  was  a  large  amount  of  concealed  power 
in  the  speech.  I  did  not  smile  this  time,  for  it  appeared  my 
speech  was  not  understood,  and  I  asked  the  colonel  if  the 
power  was  concealed  how  he  discovered  it  in  the  speech. 

He  said,  "  A  man  cannot  always  understand  himself." 

I  thought  the  colonel  appeared  a  little  uneasy  about  some 
thing.  He  was  walking  about  the  room,  every  now  and  then 
looking  at  his  watch.  I  said,  "  Colonel,  what's  the  matter?  " 

He  said  a  man  had  agreed  to  call  for  him  at  about  this  time, 
and  had  not  kept  his  agreement,  —  a  thing  he  despised.  "  But, 
Batkins,  I  say,  as  I  said  before,  that's  a  splendid  speech  ;  it 
will  be  a  great  honor  to  you  and  to  your  town ;  it  wants  a  little 
trimming  here  and  there.  —  speeches  generally  do,  —  we  will 
talk  it  over,  Batkins,  this  evening,  if  you  will  join  in  a  supper 
at  Parker's  at  my  expense,  if  it  will  be  agreeable  to  you." 

I  said,  "  Colonel,  it  will  be  agreeable  to  me." 

At  this  time  there  was  a  knock  at  the  door.  Joseph,  the 
page,  came  in,  inquired  for  the  colonel,  and  said  there  was  a 
man  looking  for  him.  The  colonel  seemed  much  pleased,  and 
told  Joseph  to  show  him  the  way  in,  —  there  was  nobody  here 
but  his  friend  Batkins. 

After  a  short  delay,  a  man  entered ;  in  one  hand  he  held 
some  papers,  in  the  other  some  bank-bills.  He  and  the  colonel 
had  some  conversation  together.  The  colonel  pulled  out  his 
watch,  saying,  "The  bank  is  closed;  too  late  to  draw;"  then 
turned  to  me,  saying,  "Batkins,  I  am  sixty  dollars  short." 
He  felt  in  all  his  pockets,  emptying  them  of  all  their  contents, 


332  LIFE    OF 

tooth-picks,  penknives,  leadpencils,  some  small  silver  coin, 
omnibus  tickets,  buttons,  and  a  comb.  "  Just  you  lend  it  to 
me  until  the  morning.  I'll  give  you  a  check  or  a  due-bill, 
and  be  much  obliged  to  you.  I  will  do  the  same  for  you  any 
time  ;  that  is  a  splendid  speech  of  yours,  Batkins  ;  I  should  like 
to  have  my  friend  here  read  it.  Mr. 'Peel,  this  is  Mr.  Batkins. 
of  Cranberry  Centre,  that  you  have  heard  me  speak  of  so  often, 
—  one  of  our  strongest  men." 

Mr.  Peel  said,  "  Yes,  I  have  heard  of  him." 

I  said,  ''How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Peel.  —  Sixty  dollars, 
colonel?" 

"  Sixty,  only  until  to-morrow.  Sixty  dollars,  Batkins, 
only  until  to-morrow." 

I  intend  to  make  this  matter  as  short  as  possible.  I  loaned 
him  the  money  and  took  his  note.  He  and  Mr.  Peel  left  the 
room  with  my  sixty  dollars,  that  is,  my  neighbor's  money. 
Joseph  entered.  "  Joseph,  what  is  it?  " 

"  Mr.  Batkins,  what  can  I  do  for  you  ?  " 

"Nothing  just  now,  Joseph."  I  held  the  due-bill  in  my 
hand.  "  Do  you  know  the  colonel  ?  " 

"  The  man  who  has  just  gone  out?  " 

"  Yes,  Joseph."  . 

"I do,  Mr.  Batkins." 

"He's  good  for  sixty  dollars,  eh?  " 

Joseph  was  silent. 

-''What  is  he?" 

"  A  sucker." 

"  A  sucker,  Joseph  ?  I  thought  he  was  a  lawyer,  a  broker, 
or  a  solicitor.  What's  a  sucker?  " 

"A  sucker  is  just  such  a  fellow  as  that  colonel,  Mr.  Bat- 
kins.  He  has  been  borrowing  money  of  you?  I  thought 
that's  what  he  was  after.  I  wanted  to  tell  you  this  morning 
to  look  out  for  him." 

"  Joseph,  he  is  good  for  sixty  dollars,  eh  ?  " 


JEFFEKSON  S.    B ATKINS.  333 

"  Not  for  a  cent.     I  wouldn't  trust  him  for  a  steel  pen." 
I  did  not  like  to  think  so;  so  I  said,  "Joseph,  I  guess  the 
colonel's  good."     The  idea  then  came  into  my  mind  that  the 
scamp  was  asleep  when  I  read  my  speech  to  him,  and  had  not 
heard  a  word  of  it. 


NOTE.  —  I  had,  from  a  conversation  with  Joseph,  a  more  perfect  account  of  the 
colonel's  operations;  and,  somewhat  indignant  at  his  treatment  of  me,  I  had  re 
solved  to  print  his  real  name,  upon  the  testimony  of  Joseph;  as  also  Joseph's 
definition  of  a  "  sucker;  "  but  my  coadjutor  objects,  for  the  following  reasons: 
First,  it  would  be  libellous,  and  subject  me  to  action  for  damages;  and,  next,  it  is 
not  proper  to  print  anybody's  name  in  connection  with  your  own  in  a  book  like 
this,  unless  you  have  permission  to  do  so.  The  explanation  of  the  term 
"sucker"  is  superfluous;  you  must  allow  something  for  the  possibility  of  your 
readers  being  sufficiently  informed  upon  that  part  of  natural  history  involved  in 
the  question,  as  also  upon  the  application  of  its  characteristics  to  the  colonel  by 
the  State  House  page. 

I  reminded  my  coadjutor  that  I  had  not  asked  permission  of  Mr.  Wilson,  nor  the 
speaker,  Mr.  Banks,  nor  Mr.  Warren,  nor  Mr.  Kimball,  and  he  had  not  objected  to 
their  names  being  used.  He  replied,  "All  public  men.  You  connect  them  with 
no  ambiguous  personal  action.  Totally  different  matter,  sir." 

When  I  write  my  life  again,  or  any  other  person's,  I  will  do  it  on  my  own  re 
sources.  The  reader  will  now  see  and  understand  the  points  again  in  place  of  care 
fully  prepared  extracts  from  my  journal.  My  coadjutor  will  not  yield,  so  I  must. 
—  J.  S.  B. 


334  LIFE   OF 


CHAPTER  XL. 

GOVERNOR   KOSSUTH. 

FROM  this  time  until  the  end  of  the  session  my  journal  is 
so  full  of  copiousness  that  I  am  compelled  to  abridge  in  order 
that  my  doings  may  come  within  the  bounds  of  a  reasonable 
space.  As  the  harness  is  being  taken  off  from  the  old  war- 
horses,  about  to  enjoy  their  freedom  in  the  high  grass  of  such 
pastures  as  their  own  toil  or  the  generosity  of  friends  and  rela 
tives  may  have  provided  for  them,  I  hope  the  young  people 
now  rising  up  to  take  the  reins  of  government  in  their  hands 
will  appreciate  their  services,  and  will  read  this  chapter  of  my 
life  with  attention  and  profit. 

The  fourth  month  of  the  session  was  near  its  end  ;  for  a 
time,  everywhere,  where  men  and  women  were  congregated,  the 
name  of  Kossuth  was  repeated  from  mouth  to  mouth.  Austria 
and  Hungary,  with  the  tyranny  of  the  one  and  the  sufferings 
of  the  other,  were  the  themes  of  constant  conversation.  News 
papers  were  filled  with  reports,  differing  as  the  one  or  the 
other  fluctuated  between  opinions,  in  accordance  with  their 
party  tests.  Geographies  and  histories  were  in  demand.  I 
am  willing  to  confess  that  I  was  entirely  ignorant  at  that  time 
of  the  cause  of  quarrel  between  Kossuth  and  Austria ;  but 
from  what  I  heard  Mr.  Kossuth  say,  he  was  an  ill-used  gov 
ernor.  As  to  how  our  governor  would  have  behaved  under 
similar  circumstances,  may  be  implied  by  any  one  who  will 
read  his  speech  on  the  great  Hungarian's  reception.  All  I 
have  to  record  is,  that  after  much  preparation  Kossuth  came, 
escorted  by  the  militia,  including  the  famous  governor's  body- 


JRFFKRSON  S.    B ATKINS.  335 

guard.  All  business  of  the  ordinary  kind  at  the  State  House 
ceased;  politics  were  laid  aside;  "  the  lion  and  the  lamb"  of 
party  lay  down  together,  to  honor  the  Hungarian  chief.  I 
would  at  this  point  give  my  impression  of  his  personal  appear 
ance,  and  to  what  animal  I  should  liken  him,  with  regard  to 
some  examples  given  heretofore ;  but  as  he  was  a  foreigner,  — 
a  nation's  guest,  —  I  forbear,  and  refer  my  young  reader  to 
the  newspapers  of  the  times,  and  the  pictures  on  the  bonds  he 
distributed,  if  any  yet  exist  unpaid  in  our  ancient  and  wise- 
headed  Commonwealth.* 

Our  governors  and  military  men  in  that  day  were  in  the 
habit  of  wearing  showy  uniforms,  stiff-looking  caps,  and  gay 
feathers  of  almost  the  peacock's  hue,  or  hues.  I  noticed  the 
difference  of  the  Hungarian  governor's  hat,  —  a  slouchy  affair, 
with  a  dark  feather  lying  close  over  the  crown.  The  hat  of 
Kossuth  outlived  all  the  ex-governor's  sayings,  doings,  and 
displays;  it  still  bears  his  name.  Though  "  such  is  fame,  such 
is  reputation,  such  is  notoriety,"  I  doubt  if  half  the  men  that 
cover  their  crowns  with  the  exiled  Hungarian's  head-piece  know 
its  origin,  not  to  speak  disparagingly  of  the  hat,  or  of  the  dis 
tinguished  wearer  of  it,  who  introduced  it  to  our  republican 
land. 

Kossuth  was  received  at  the  State  House  in  a  gorgeous 
manner.  He  visited  both  branches  of  the  Legislature,  and 
there  I  was  introduced  to  him,  and  shook  the  Hungarian  re 
publican  by  the  hand.  Another  great  day  for  Cranberry 
Centre.  Seth  Spring,  in  all  his  glory,  was  no  object  of  envy 
to  me  that  day.  I  wonder  if  Kossuth  remembers  me.  After 
that  it  was  jubilee  for  a  week.  He  met  the  citizens  at  Fan- 
euil  Hall,  Bunker  Hill,  the  Revere  House  Tavern,  and  other 
places.  I  shall  never  forget  that  legislative  banquet  to  Kos 
suth,  "  while  memory  holds  its  seat  in  this  distracted  globe." 

*  This  remark  has  no  personal  reference  to  the  governor,  its  civil  and  military 
head.  —  J    S.  B. 


33 G  L7FK    OF 

In  the  Senate  an  order  was  passed,  after  some  debate,  to 
provide  tickets  for  the  Legislature,  at  the  State's  expense  ;  the 
vote  was  fifteen  in  favor,  eight  opposed.  When  it  came  to 
the  House  the  order  was  indefinitely  postponed.  It  was  set 
tled  by  the  lower  branch  that  the  tickets  should  be  sold  by 
the  sergeant-at-arms.  A  Boston  member  said  it  was  inconsist 
ent  with  the  dignity  of  the  House  to  have  its  officer  perform 
such  a  duty,  and  offered  an  order  authorizing  that  officer  to 
decline  such  service. 

This  order,  the  patriotic  and  far-seeing  lower  branch,  of 
which  I  was  a  member,  rejected  by  a  nearly  unanimous  vote. 
The  tickets  were  put  up  for  sale  at  the  different  taverns  of  re 
pute,  and  limited  to  eight  hundred,  besides  those  reserved  for 
invited  guests.  An  incident  was  put  into  the  paper,  which 
was  significant  as  to  the  demand  for  the  article  of  tickets, 
and  proof  of  the  enterprising  character  of  the  Boston  people. 
A  ring  was  formed  to  buy  up  the  whole  lot  on  speculation; 
but  the  committee  declined  to  assist.  Kossuth  bonds  were  for 
sale  at  the  different  taverns. 

When  the  evening  came,  all  that  had  tickets  were  assembled 
in  the  Doric  Hall  of  thfe  State  House.'  A  procession  was 
formed,  and  in  due  time  we  entered  the  cradle  of  liberty,  as 
the  Boston  people  called  this  celebrated  old  Faneuil  Hall 
building. 

There  are  no  words  in  the  English  language,  at  my  com 
mand,  to  describe  fitly  this  sumptuous  banquet.  The  galleries 
were  filled  with  ladies,  who  had  taken  their  tea  early,  in  order 
to  be  present  at  the  exciting  festival  in  honor  of  Governor 
Kossuth.  Although  I  never  pretended  to  be  a  ladies'  man, 
I  thought  it  looked  rather  mean  to  be  sitting  down  eating  all 
these  good  tilings,  while  the  ladies  were  looking  on.  I  do  not 
remember  that  these  thoughts  reduced  my  appetite  any,  as  I 
saw  that  the  ladies  themselves  were  amused  by  the  band  of 
music,  the  eloquent  speeches,  and  witty  toasts  of  the  distin- 


JEFFERSON  s.  BATKT'NS.  337 

guished  speakers.  They  enjoyed  "  the  feast  of  reason  and 
the  flow  of  soul ;  "  they  waved  their  handkerchiefs  and  parasols, 
adding  much,  by  their  smiles,  to  the  hilarity  of  the  occa 
sion. 

It  is  about  that  way  with  the  women-folks  everywhere ; 
they  seem  always  to  be  doing  something  ,to  make  mankind 
happy,  without  getting  much  of  the  real  fun  themselves  after  all. 
Many  of  the  people  around  the  tables  had  their  wives,  their 
daughters,  their  intendeds,  or  their  mothers,  their  sisters,  or 
some  female  acquaintances  to  look  up  and  smile  at.  I  had,  so 
far  as  I  knew,  not  one.  This  set  me  to  thinking,  until  I  was 
aroused  by  the  applause  in  consequence  of  one  old  gentleman's 
rising  to  speak,  who  said  he  was  eighty  years  of  age.  I  was 
much  pleased  with  him ;  his  name  was  — 

I  thought,  if  the  Emperor  of  Austria  had  been  in  a  sly 
corner  to  witness  the  proceedings,  he  would  have  been  in  a 
passion,  perhaps,  and  have  sworn  a  little,  —  if  emperors  do 
swear,  —  when  he  heard  our  governor,  Mr.  Wilson,  Mr. 
Banks,  and  the  rest  call  his  enemy,  Governor  Kossuth.  I  do  not 
know  whether  the  actual  presence  of  the  emperor  would  have 
made  any  difference  in  their  energetic  pronunciation  of  this  title. 
I  suppose  it  would  depend  some  whether  this  banquet  had  been 
given  to  Kossuth  in  the  Austrian  dominion  or  in  Faneuil  Hall. 
There  was  some  talk  of  war  with  Austria  to  compel  the  em 
peror  to  restore  Governor  Kossuth,  if  necessary.  Not  much 
was  heard  of  this  after  the  departure  of  this  noble  guest  of 
the  Commonwealth.  At  a  late  hour  the  banquet  came  to  an 
end. 

I  have  not  stated  how  I  obtained  my  ticket.  I  did  not  pay 
for  it.  Mr.  Tenpinson  asked  me  if  I  was  supplied  with  a  ticket 
to  the  banquet.  I  said  I  had  not  yet  secured  one.  I  was 
not  sure  I  should  be  in  town,  as  I  had  an  invitation  to  go  over 
to  a  place  called  Chelsea.  He  interrupted  me  by  saying, 


338  LIFE    OF 

"You  must  not  be  absent;  if  you  are  not  there  it  will  be 
noticed.  I  have  more  tickets  than  I  need.  I  shall  be  happy 
to  supply  you,  if  you  —  "  # 

*  My  coadjutor  has  drawn  his  pen  over  a  conversation  between  Mr.  Tenpin- 
son  and  myself,  to  be  sure,  somewhat  of  a  personal  nature;  and  the  printer 
will  leave  it  out.  I  do  not  know  that  I  have  explained  exactly  how  things 
are  understood  between  us;  it  was  something  like  this:  I  was  to  write  what  I 
pleased,  my  coadjutor  was  to  read  the  manuscript,  add  words  if  they  were  needed, 
and  strike  out  anything  improper,  impolitic,  or  unnecessary.  Here  is  what  he 
wrote  when  he  had  read  the  manuscript:  "After  Mr.  Tenpinson's  offer  to  supply 
you  with  the  ticket,  it  is  not  necessary  to  state  you  accepted  it,  or  why.  You  were  at 
the  banquet;  how  you  obtained  your  ticket  is  of  no  consequence  to  the  reader;  but 
your  version  of  the  conditions  of  receiving  it  might  bo  a  reflection  upon  Mr.  Ten 
pinson's  character,  who  was  a  member  of  the  House,  and  who  with  his  wife  and 
children  are  still  living." 

I  omitted  to  state  that  I  had  invested  no  money  in  Kossuth  bonds.  If  one  had 
been  in  my  possession  I  should  have  had  it  pictured  as  a  companion-piece  to  the 
bill  of  the  departed  Cranberry  Centre  Bank. 

I  put  this  in  to  account  for  the  points.  — J.  S.  B. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  339 


CHAPTER  XLL 

MY    SPEECH.  —  THE    MAINE    LIQUOR    LAW. 

I  AM  to  give  in  this  chapter  an  account  of  what  occurred 
to  me  on  the  day  of  the  passage  of  the  Maine  Liquor  Law.  It 
will  be  understood  that  Cranberry  Centre  was  not  near  the 
town  in  which  the  governor  resided.  I  had  never  exchanged 
opinions  with  His  Excellency,  as  regards  public  measures  or 
political  policy.  I  had  talked  considerably  with  Joseph,  the 
page,  as  to  how  the  members  viewed  the  situation.  I  found 
him  well  posted,  as  he  called  it,  on  what  was  going  on.  I  am 
not  ashamed  to  say,  now  and  then  I  spoke  some  of  my  speech 
to  him,  without  telling  him  what  it  was  or  who  was  to  speak 
it.  My  coadjutor  informed  me  that  a  celebrated  foreign  play- 
maker  was  in  the  habit  of  reading  the  scenes  of  his  plays  to 
his  servants  for  their  criticism ;  if  they  said  it  was  all  right, 
he  sent  the  play  to  the  play-actors,  and  they  spoke  it  off  to  the 
people,  as  I  heard  them  at  the  Museum  playhouse. 

When  I  asked  Joseph  what  he  thought  of  it,  he  said  it  was 
first-rate,  and  that  it  would  "  knock  'em."  Now,  I  had  heard 
the  governor  make  speeches.  We  both  had  been  store-keepers, 
and  there,  I  suppose,  the  similarity  between  us  personally, 
ends.  He  was  a  governor ;  I  was  a  representative.  Dr. 
Slawter  used  to  say  that  the  different  quantities  of  oxygen  in 
the  atmosphere  of  different  places  produced  different  effects 
upon  the  temperaments  of  different  people,  inspiring  their 
brains  with  more  or  less  patriotic  ardor  and  native  genius. 
Perhaps  the  atmosphere  of  Cranberry  Centre  had  less  oxygen 
in  it  than  that  of  the  governor's  more  genial  home.  He  was 


340  LIFE    OF 

opposed  to  the  liquor  law,  although  a'  temperance  man.  I  was 
a  temperance  man,  and  not  in  favor  of  it;  there  was  all  the 
difference  between  us.  His  messages  are  preserved  in  the 
archives  of  the  State  House ;  mine  are  to  be  preserved  in  this 
biography  of  a  "self-made  man."  His  have  been  read;  I 
hope  mine  will  be. 

During  the  protracted  and  exciting  debate  I  had  listened  to 
the  arguments  of  the  friends  and  opponents  of  the  famous  bill. 
I  knew,  from  Joseph  and  others  that  it  was  expected  on  all 
sides,  that  Batkins  would,  at  a  proper  time,  come  out  in  a 
strong  speech;  in  the  language  of  Colonel  Silk,  one  u  that 
would  knock  thunder  out  of  them,"  and  in  Joseph's  more 
concise  phrase,  would  u  knock  'em."  My  reader  is  aware  of  the 
preparations  I  had  made.  He  also  knows  my  situation.  I 
was  to  speak  for  Cranberry  Centre,  and  for  the  Honest  Man's 
and  Independent  party.  I  confess,  upon  this  speech  might 
depend  my  election  in  the  autumn,  and  with  it  the  opportunity 
to  serve  my  fellow-citizens  again  in  the  State  House,  and  to 
enjoy  the  hospitality,  amusements,  festivities,  and  other  delights 
of  social  intercourse  in  the  Athens  of  America. 

I  have  no  desire  at  this  day  to  stir  up  the  coals  of  animosity 
buried  in  the  ashes  of  the  consumed  opinions  and  excitements 
of  that  never-to-be-forgotten  time.  I  will  only  say  it  was  a 
question  of  morals  to  be  enforced  by  the  prohibition  of  alco 
holic  beverages  by  the  civil  forces  of  the  Commonwealth, 
backed,  if  necessary,  by  the  military  and  naval  arms. 

I  will  state  that  members  of  the  great  parties  used  various 
means  to  enable  them  to  conceal  their  opinions  and  their  votes. 
I,  as  a  representative  of  the  Honest  Men's  and  Independent 
party,  —  a  faction,  as  some  slurringly  called  it,  —  was  under 
no  necessity  of  this  kind,  preserving  that  happy  medium  between 
extremes,  which,  naturally-  followed  out,  would  prevent  any 
thing  positive  being  done  to  benefit  or  to  injure  the  human 
race. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  341 

Perhaps  I  am  getting  tedious.  I  caught  the  speaker's  eye 
amidst  the  struggles  of  the  mighty  orators  and  astute  schemers 
for  a  chance.  It  was  near  the  hour  at  which  the  final  vote 
was  to  be  taken.  All  eyes  glanced  from  me  to  the  clock  as  the 
speaker  pronounced,  in  that  sententious  and  powerful  manner 
so  natural  to  him,  "  The  member  from  Cranberry  Centre, 
Mr.  Batkins.  Preserve  order."  His  hammer  fell  most  reso 
lutely  on  his  desk.  I  had  at  last  a  chance.  I  was  excited,  — 
excited  as  I  imagine  a  wild  bull  would  be  when  fifty  dogs 
were  let  loose  at  him.  At  the  top  of  my  voice  I  began  :  "  Mr. 
Speaker,  as  the  time  is  short,  I  have  to  suppress  the  indignation 
I  feel  at  the  Boston  members,  who  would  trample  on  the  rights 
of  the  country."  Here  I  was  called  to  order.  The  usual 
parliamentary  forms  were  used  to  choke  me  off.  I  shall  not  re 
peat  them.  I  was  declared  "  in  order,"  and  told  to  "proceed." 
The  interruption  confused  me.  I,  however,  began  to  speak, 
when  another  member  rose  and  asked  me  if  I  would  yield  to  a 
question  which  might  economize  the  time,  and  also,  perhaps, 
elicit  information  which  might  have  the  effect  to  change  his 
vote.  I  said  I  was  willing  to  yield  to  a  question,  but  did  not 
desire  to  have  my  time  taken  up  by  any  explanatory  remarks. 
The  speaker  said,  "The  member  from  Boston  will  state  his 
question." 

I.  sat  down;  the  member  from  Boston  arose.  "Mr. 
Speaker,"  said  he,  "  I  desire  to  know  if  the  member  from 
Cranberry  Centre  will  answer  this  question,  whether  or  not  he 
is  overseer  of  the  poor  of  the  town  of  Cranberry  Centre,  and 
what  are  the  emoluments  of  the  office  ?  I  have  a  reason  for 
this  question,  Mr.  Speaker,  and  when  the  member  from  Cran 
berry  Centre  has  answered  this  question  categorically,  I  shall- 
be  prepared  to  give  my  reasons  for  the  question,  and  the  House 
will  see  the  important  bearing  it  has  upon  the  vote  the  gentle 
man  from  Cranberry  Centre  may  record  in  this  House." 

Now,  everybody  will  see,  you  understand,  that  this  question 


342  LIFE   OF 

was  only  put  to  me  to  interrupt  me,  or  to  prevent  my  making 
my  speech.  It  did  not  seem  a  very  bard  thing  to  do  to  answer 
this  question.  Some  members  about  me  said,  "What  of  it? 
Go  on,  Batkins."  The  member  from  Leadenville  whispered, 
"This  is  Spring's  work."  The  demand  to  answer  did  not 
disturb  me  so  much  as  to  answer  categorically.  I  did  not 
know  what  that  word  meant,  at  that  time.  Cat-e-gorically  up 
set  me,  and  sent  my  speech  into  flinders.  How  was  I  to  select 
the  best  parts,  and  in  about  ten  minutes  speak  them  to  the  ex 
cited  and  crowded  House? 

To  those  persons  who  have  never  witnessed  the  close  of  a 
debate  in  the  General  Court  upon  an  important  question,  I 
have  to  say,  —  go  and  see  it.  Why,  it  is  like  the  last  end  of 
a  game  of  foot-ball,  when  the  kickers  are  expecting  every 
minute  to  hear  the  school-bell  ring,  which  must  end  the  game, 
if  neither  side  has  beat.  And  here  I  would  remark  that  some 
of  the  questions  that  come  into  the  General  Court  appear  to 
be  like  foot-balls,  to  be  kicked  about  a  certain  time,  and  then 
have  the  bell  ring  to  close  the  session,  which  carries  the 
measure,  or  foot-ball,  over  another  year,  to  play  the  same  game 
over  with.  The  result  of  the  interruption  and  the  category 
was  as  follows. 

I  concluded  that  I  would  answer  the  question.  I  did  so  in 
these  words:  "Mr.  Speaker,  in  answer  to  the  member's 
question,  I  say,  categorically,  I  am  overseer  of  the  poor  of 
Cranberry  Centre,  and  I  glory  in  it.  Though  in  an  humble 
sphere  of  duty,  it  is  duty,  and  somebody  must  do  it.  As  to 
the  pay,  I  am  out  of  pocket  by  the  office,  no  doubt,  but  it  is 
for  the  public  good  I  serve." 

For  this  courageous  effort  I  was  rewarded  with  applause, 
clapping  of  hands,  arid  stamping  of  feet,  just  as  the  people  did 
at  the  Museum  when  my  friend  and  representative  of  me,  Mr. 
Warren,  tried  to  make  his  speech  ;  but  as  I  looked  around,  I 
began  to  feel  the  responsibility  of  my  situation.  I  had  seen  a 


JEFFERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  343 

picture  in  a  book  of  a  man  carrying  on  his  shoulders  a  rep 
resentation  of  the  globe.  I  used  to  think  he  had  a  heavy  load 
to  carry,  particularly  as  he  had  nothing  to  stand  upon.  I 
since  have  discovered  that  his  name  was  Atlas,  one  of  the  ex 
ploded  heathen  individuals  of  classic  days.  I  have  no  doubt 
Mr.  Atlas'  sensations  were  not  unlike  mine.  I  felt  I  had  a 
load  to  carry.  When  the  fear  of  a  failure  of  my  memory 
came  upon  me,  I  remembered  my  father's  resource  at  the  "in 
dignation  meeting."  I  thought  it  safe  to  adopt  his  plan.  I 
put  the  sheets  of  paper,  with  my  speech  written  on  them, 
before  me.  I  asked  my  neighbor,  a  representative  from  a 
town  in  the  western  part  of  the  State,  to  watch  me  as  I  went 
along,  and  read  what  came  next,  if  I  stopped,  so  I  could  hear 
him.  He  agreed  to  this  mode.  One  member  had  made  an 
allusion  to  the  eagle  over  the  speaker's  chair,*  and  said  that 
it  was  taken  from  the  top  of  the  monument  on  Beacon  Hill, 
where  it  had  roosted  for  many  years,  to  warn  the  sailor,  as 
he  approached  the  harbor,  of  any  danger.  Another  member 
asked  him  if  the  eagle  ever  screamed.  The  member  replied, 
that  he  did  not  know ;  but  that,  if  the  House  passed  the  liquor 
bill,  the  eagle  would  scream  so  loud  that  the  speaker,  the 
members  who  voted  for  it,  and  the  governor  who  signed  it, 
would  never  have  a  chance  to  come  to  the  State  House, 
officially,  again,  especially  the  country  members.  I  thought 
he  looked  at  me.  He  was  a  Boston  member,  and  they  ap 
plauded  him  as  they  applauded  me,  only  I  think  a  little  louder 
for  him,  which  the  speaker  stopped  by  a  blow  of  his  hammer, 
as  he  had  done  in  my  case. 

In  the   theatre  or  the   Museum  they  have  no    speaker  to 
stop   applause.       Mr.   Warren    told    me    that    applause    from 

*  The  person  who  assists  me,  in  other  words,  my  coadjutor,  informs  ine  that  hi? 
grandfather  was  a  stone-cutter,  and  a  specimen  of  his  skill  may  be  seen  upon  the 
tablets  now  in  the  State  House,  formerly  a  part  of  the  Beacon  Hill  monument. 
Who  carved  the  eaglo,  since  immortalized  by  his  present  position  ovei-  the  speaker's 
chair,  is  not  known  to  him.  —  J.  S.  B. 


uil  %  LIFE   OF 

the  audience  when  play-acting  goes  on  makes  the  actors  feel 
better.  I  think  it  would  be  so  when  members  of  the  Legis 
lature  speak  speeches.  It  did  me  good:  what  little  grit  I 
then  had  came  up  to  the  surface.  My  mouth  was  dry.  I 
looked  about  for  Joseph,  who  saw  what  was  the  matter.  I 
paused.  Joseph  came  to  me  with  a  glass  of  water,  handed  to 
him  by  Colonel  Silk,  who  was  near  the  speaker's  desk.  I 
took  a  large  draught.  I  was  excited,  and  the  refreshing  bev 
erage  excited  me  more.  I  thought  it  had  a  strange  taste,  but 
my  thoughts  were  hurrying  rny  tongue.  The  oxygen  was  at 
work ;  the  eagle  was  flying  before  my  eyes.  I  determined  to 
begin  with  the  eagle,  and  get  the  "  storm  "  and  the  "spurs  " 
in  the  best  way  I  could.  This  is  my  speech  made  on  that 
occasion  :  — 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  I  regret  that  the  member  from  Boston  thinks 
the  eagle,  which  formerly  perched  upon  the  monument,  will 
scream  the  country  members  out  of  this  House.  He  will  be 
mistaken.  This  bill,  upon  which  so  many  men  expect  to 
win  their  spurs  to  ride  over  the  rural  districts,  either  will  be 
a  law  or  not..  Yes,  sir,  — 

"  '  When  Greek  meets  Greek,  then  comes  the  tug  of  war,' 

and  when  votes  meet  votes,  then  is  the  time  to  count  the 
chickens,  not  before  they  are  hatched." 

This  rhetorical  agricultural  introduction  of  chickens  caused 
some  merriment.  It  was  not  in  my  written  speech,  nor 
was  the  eagle.  I  had  got  adrift.  The  hands  of  the  clock 
were  moving  on.  I  looked  to  my  neighbor  for  a  hint,  but, 
except  the  spurs,  I  had  said  nothing  by  which  to  direct  his  at 
tention.  The  next  strong  point  to  the  spurs,  in  my  mind,  was 
Spring's  mantle,  so  I  started  again  on  that,  as  follows  :  — 

"Mr.  Speaker,  when  my  mantle  falls  from  me,  which  fell 
from  my  predecessor,  let  it  be  remembered  that  Cranberry 
Centre  was  true  to  public  duty,  and  that  I  represented  on  this 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  «  345 

occasion  Cranberry  Centre,  and  when  that  eagle  screams  again, 
Mr.  Speaker,  let  me  say,  Mr.  Speaker  —  Mr.  Speaker,  I 
am  —  " 

I  took  another  drink  from  the  glass.  The  speaker's  ham 
mer  fell.  I  looked  at  the  clock ;  my  time  had  expired.  Be 
fore  I  sat  down  my  eye  wandered  to  the  gallery,  and  there, 
sitting  by  the  side  of  Mrs.  General  Swamscott  and  Mrs.  Ham- 
bleton  Squiek,  was  Amanda,  —  Miss  Feathergilt.  I  did  not 
know  she  was  in  the  city,  but  she  had  come,  as  she  had  prom 
ised,  to  hear  my  speech,  and  by  the  force  of  parliamentary 
rule  was  disappointed.  I  picked  up  my  written  speech,  and 
put  it  into  my  pocket.  The  member  who  had  the  right  to 
the  last  speech  was  on  the  floor.  I  was  dizzy.  All  was  con 
fusion.  Everything  seemed  to  be  turning  round.  I  had 
vertigo,  the  doctor  said.  I  was  assisted  to  an  ante-room,  but 
did  not  recover  until  after  the  yeas  and  nays  had  been  called, 
and  the  act  passed  by  a  not  large  majority.  This  will  ac 
count  for  the  omission  of  my  name  upon  the  passage  of  the 
prohibitory  law. 


346  '  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  XLII. 

MY    WRITTEN    SPEECH. 

"  MR.  SPEAKER  :  —  We  are  upon  the  eve  of  great  events. 
Sometimes,  when  the  serenity  of  the  cerulean  arch  above  our 
heads  is  undisturbed  by  a  cloud,  suddenly  a  speck  appears, 
no  larger,  perhaps,  than  an  infant's  haud,  and  in  that  hand  or 
speck  lurk  the  whirlwind,  the  hurricane,  the  tornado,  and  the 
mad,  devastating  tempest. 

"  Sir,  I  represent  Cranberry  Centre,  an  inland  town.  A 
pious,  virtuous,  law-abiding,  conscientious  people  are  my  fel 
low-townsmen  ;  they  are  determined  to  put  down  iniquity 
throughout  the  world.  Sir,  Cranberry  Centre  is  an  inland 
town,  not  washed  by  the  waves  of  a  great  ocean  that  bears 
upon  its  bosom  the  pollution  of  foreign  shores. 

"  Sir,  I  have  listened  to  the  debates  in  this  hall,  sacred  to 
our  independence,  which  have  burst  on  our  ears  from  lips 
soon  perhaps  to  pass  to  that  bourn  from  which  no  traveller  re 
turns.  I  wish  to  pour  oil  over  the  troubled  waters  of  discussion 
on  this  bill,  and  to  calm  the  storms  of  eloquence  from  the 
Athens  of  America,  with  the  pacificating  breezes  fresh  from 
rural  atmospheres,  —  from  Cranberry  Centre. 

"Mr.  Speaker,  this  bill  is  calculated,  however  honest  the - 
motives  of  those  who  support  it,  to  cause  a  great  deal  of  dis 
satisfaction,  —  a  condition,  if  possible,  to  be  avoided  by  a  free 
people.  Sir,  in  my  native  town,  which  I  am  always  proud  to 
name,  —  Cranberry  Centre,  —  if  I  am  known  for  anything, 
beyond  the  rest  of  my  fellow-townsmen,  it  is  for  a  desire  never 
to  hurt  the  feelings  of  friends  or  enemies.  It  is  our  duty  as 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  347 

legislators,  as  well  as  good  citizens,  to  legislate  in  this  spirit ; 
but,  sir,  while  I  believe  in  meeting  calumny  with  a  smile,  and 
disarming  the  impotence  of  rage  with  a  temperate  magna 
nimity,  I  can  say,  in  behalf  of  my  constituents  of  Cranberry 
Centre,  that  there  is  a  point  that  makes  even  a  worm  turn ; 
that  is,  when  the  booted  heel  of  man  is  ready  to  crush  him. 

"  Much  has  been  said  of  the  clique  of  Boston  members, 
who  are  determined  to  rule  the  country  or  ruin  the  State.  I 
do  not  believe  all  that  is  said  on  any  side.  If  I  saw  any 
movement  in  this  direction,  I  should  say  to  these  gentlemen, 
beware  how  you  put  your  foot  upon  the  men.  women,  and  chil 
dren  of  Cranberry  Centre,  or  you  will  see  such  a  squirming 
and  turning  of  worms  as  no  amount  of  political  anodynes  will 
ever  assuage. 

"  Sir,  I  have  in  my  eye  a  gentleman  of  great  culture, 
whose  bed  has  been  upon  roses,  who  drank  in  with  his  mother's 
milk  inspirations  from  the  classic  groves  of  Harvard,  and  who 
is  said  not  to  be  in  sympathy  with  the  hard-handed,  whole- 
souled,  but  less  learned  people  of  the  rural  districts.  He,  sir, 
has  spoken  for  Boston.  I  am  to  speak  for  the  rural  districts, 
for  the  —  the  pious  sons  of  pious  ancestors,  and  owners  of 
the  soil,  whose  hands  are  seldom  covered  with  kid-skin  gloves. 

"  No;  sir.  If  that  gentleman  who  has  won  his  spurs  in  this 
debate,  and  with  these  spurs  intends  to  ride  over  the  old  war- 
horses  of  the  country,  sir,  the  law-loving  Christian  represent 
atives  of  th^  rural  towns,  without  saddle  or  bridle,  Mr.  Speaker, 
then  I  say  to  him  that  we  of  the  rural  abodes  of  industry  have 
seen  the  spurs  taken  from  many  a  presumptuous  bantam 
rooster,  whose  business  was  to  go  about  the  farm  pillaging, 
—  pillaging,  Mr.  Speaker,  foraging,  —  foraging,  sir,  without 
in  any  way  contributing  to  the  increase  of  chickens,  sir,  or  in 
any  way  using  his  faculties,  given  him  for  noble  purposes,  for 
the  public  good.  If  the  gentleman  uses  his  spurs  here,  I  sug 
gest  to  him  that  there  are  those  who  will  unstrap  them,  batter 


348  LIFE    OF 

their  points,  and  Cranberry  Centre  will  sustain  the  act,  if  it 
should  be  performed  by  a  member  who  represents  a  neighbor 
ing  constituency.  But,  sir,  it  will  not  be  done.  .  This  is  a 
libel  upon  Boston.  As  to  Cranberry  Centre,  look  at  her,  — 
there  she  is.  It  is  not  for  me  to  say  more. 

"  Boston,  Mr.  Speaker,  is  a  great  city,  sir;  a  noble  city, 
sir.  Far  be  it  from  me  to  underrate  the  power  of  Boston ;  its 
wealth,  its  virtue,  its  magnanimity,  the  beauty  of  its  women, 
and  the  learning  of  its  men,  give  it  a  world-wide  celebrity.  I 
do  not  compare  Boston  with  Cranberry  Centre,  and  upon 
Boston  now  the  country  ought  to  call  for  such  a  majority  on 
this  bill,  either  one  side  or  the  other,  as  will  not  put  upon  us 
in  the  country,  who  are  interested  in  this  bill,  the  necessity  of 
voting  at  all,  to  the  injury  of  one  side  or  other  of  the  feelings 
of  our  constituents.  I  am  willing,  sir,  to  set  the  example  of 
neutrality.  I  am  willing  to  deprive  myself  of  my  right  to 
vote,  —  to  yield  a  right,  sir,  to  prove  my  willingness  to  have 
justice  done.  Therefore,  sir,  I  appeal  to  Boston  members, 
whose  patriotism  knows  no  bounds,  to  do  as  they  have  so  often 
done,  to  sink  mere  partisan  views,  and,  while  assisting  Cran 
berry  Centre,  to  assist  themselves,  to  assist  the  Commonwealth, 
to  assist  the  Union,  to  assist  the  world.  I  know  they  will  do 
it.  Old  men  will  thank  them,  old  women  will  bless  them,  the 
middle-aged  of  both  sexes  will  join  in  the  thankings  and  bless 
ings.  The  young  of  both  sexes,  just  now  entering  upon  the 
work  of  life,  courted  and  uncourted,  married  and  unmarried, 
will  also  join  in  their  praise.  The  children,  boys  and  girls, 
will  listen  to  their  fathers  and  mothers,  as  they  tell  the  tale 
of  Boston's  greatness,  Boston's  philanthropy,  Boston's  consist 
ency,  Boston's  generosity.  Their  little  voices  will  be  raised 
at  the  Sunday  school,  at  the  meeting-house,  on  the  play 
ground',  to  sing  an  anthem  that  shall  echo  from  continent  to 
continent,  from  California  to  Japan,  from  pole  to  pole;  and 
the  children  yet  unborn,  when  they  arrive,  shall  learn  to  lisp 


JEFFERSON   S.    £  ATKINS.  349 

the  name  of  Boston,  and  raise,  too,  their  tiny  voices  to  swell 
the  anthem  louder  than  the  loudest  swell  of  Boston's  organs, 
coupling  forever,  in  words  that  burn,  the  names  of  Boston  and 
Cranberry  Centre,  now,  henceforth,  and  for  evermore." 

My  reader  will  probably  understand,  without  further  expla 
nation,  that  this  speech  was  arranged  in  accordance  with  my 
views,  first,  to  say  something  to  shut  up  Spring's  mouth,  then  to 
praise  Boston,  as  was  recommended  to  me  to  do,  by  Mr.  Tenpin- 
son.  Of  course,  I  did  not  go  into  the  merits  of  the  bill ;  but 
there  are  two  sides  to  all  questions.  There  was  a  country  in 
terest  which  I  was  bound  in  honor  to  go  with  against  the 
Boston  clique,  and  therefore  I  was  prepared  with  a  speech 
that  begun  and  ended  pretty  much  like  this  one,  only  if  I  spoke 
against  Boston  I  was  to  use  a  different  line  of  argument.  That 
part  was  to  come  in  where  I  thought  best.  A  member  had 
asked,  "  Who  opposes  the  country;  who  tramples  its  rights 
under  foot?  "  and  replied  thus  :  "  It  is  not  Boston,  the  guar 
dian,  the  jealous  guardian,  of  its  own  rights,  and  everybody 
else's.  Whenever  a  good  thing  is  to  be  done,  Boston  is  ready 
to  do  it ;  whenever  a  bad  thing  is  to  be  put  down,  Boston  is 
ready  to  do  it.  Let  us  hear  no  more  from  country  members 
about  Boston's  pride  or  Boston's  injustice." 

The  above  extracts  were  spoken  in  a  debate  on  another  bill, 
you  understand ;  but  I  was  bound  to  be  ready  to  hit  Boston  if  I 
could  get  a  chance.  That  part  of  my  speech  will  be  found  in 
another  place,  as  spoken  on  a  future  occasion. 


350  LIFE    OP 


CHAPTER  XLIII. 

THE    CLOSE    OF    THE    SESSION. 

THE  cause  of  my  failure  in  my  speech  was  never  precisely 
understood.  I  was  detained  at  Mr.  Wilson's  house  a  day  or 
two  from  sickness,  caused  in  part  by  my  anxiety,  not  a  little 
augmented  by  the  discovery  that  Colonel  Silk  would  probably 
never  pay  the  note  he  gave  me  for  the  sixty  dollars  that  I 
loaned  him,  —  the  property  of  one  of  my  neighbors,  for  whom 
I  had  sold  some  hogs  in  the  winter,  and  let  the  money  lay 
in  the  hands  of  the  pork-dealer,  as  he  agreed  to  allow  interest 
for  the  same.  My  neighbor  had  written  to  me  that  if  I  saw 
any  way  to  lay  out  the  money  to  advantage  he  should  be  glad' 
to  have  me  do  so.  If  I  had  profited  by  Mr.  Bean's  practices 
of  financiering  I  suppose  I  should  have  stated  to  my  neigh 
bor  that  I  invested  the  money  on  his  account,  and  as  I  had 
not  guaranteed  the  colonel's  note,  the  loss  would  have  been 
my  neighbor's,  not  mine.  Of  course,  no  such  idea  came  into 
my  mind.  A  doctor  was  called  to  see  me,  who  thought  there 
must  have  been  something  put  into  the  water  handed  to  me  by 
Joseph,  which,  in  addition  to  my  mental  exhaustion,  had  in 
duced  the  vertigo.  He  recommended  me  to  abstain  from  the 
excitements  of  public  life  for  a  time. 

The  first  day  I  went  to  the  State  House,  after  my  mishap.  I 
had  a  conversation  with  Joseph  as  to  what  was  said  about  me. 
Joseph  said  there  was  a  difference  of  opinion  among  the  mem 
bers.  Some  thought  I  was  drunk.  Confidentially  to  Joseph, 
I  said  it  was  my  opinion  that  that  was  what  the  doctor  thought. 
I  told  him  I  was  a  temperance  man.  I  asked  Joseph  what 
was  in  the  tumbler  he  gave  me  the  day  I  made  the  speech. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  351 

Joseph  hesitated,  then  said,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  it  was  gin  and 
water,  — more  gin  than  water." 

I  asked  Joseph  who  put  it  in.  Joseph  said  he  could  not 
tell ;  that  it  was  not  his  duty  to  tell  anything  that  occurred 
among  the  members.  He  heard  a  member  say  to  another 
member,  "It  could  be  done  for  five  dollars,"  and  he  thought 
it  meant  "  gin  could  be  put  in  the  water  for  five  dollars." 

"  Gin,  Joseph  ?  "  I  asked,  —  "  gin  in  a  temperance  Legisla 
ture  ;  gin  in  the  State  House  ;  how  did  it  get  there  ?  " 

"  It  was  bought.  I  bought  a  bottle  for  a  member  who  had 
the  colic  one  day." 

' '  Who  was  the  member  ?  ' ' 

"  Colonel  Silk,"  Joseph  said. 

"  He  put  it  in  the  water,  Joseph?  " 

"  I  did  not  say  so." 

"  Did  the  colonel  pay  for  the  bottle  of  gin?  " 

"  No,  Mr.  Batkins,  — he  never  pays  for  anything." 

"Who  did  pay  for  the  gin?" 

"  The  Commonwealth." 

"What,  for  gin?" 

"No, — brooms,  dust-pans,  inkstands,  penknives, — inci 
dentals." 

"Is  this  so,  Joseph?" 

"  It  is,  and  more  too,  Mr.  Batkins." 

I  have  not  mentioned  tha£  branch  of  the  Legislature  known 
as  the  Third  House.  As  I  had  no  great  experience  in  their 
ways  of  working,  except  on  political  questions,  I  had  no  in 
terest  in  concealing  my  opinions.  There  were  bills  of  a  pri 
vate  nature,  that  I  considered  it  fair  to  ask  for  information 
about,  before  I  voted.  I  used  to  consult  Wilson,  very  often, 
on  matters  introduced  by  Boston  members,  and  sometimes  I 
voted  with  them. 

I  was  somewhat  surprised  when  Joseph  informed  me  as  to 
the  doings  of  the  Third  House,  and  I  found  that  I  had  un- 


852  LIFE    OF 

consciously  been  interested  in  their  schemes.  Joseph  said  the 
reception  party  was  one  of  their  operations. 

I  told  Joseph,  as  the  session  was  near  the  end,  if  he  knew 
anybody  that  wanted  to  buy  the  colonel's  note,  I  should  like 
to  sell  it. 

Joseph  said,  "  Nobody  would  give  a  cent  for  it." 

I  asked  him  if  I  could  not  stop  his  per  diem  at  the  treas 
urer's  office. 

Joseph  said,  "  No.     He  always  draws  out  in  advance." 

lt  And  you  think  he  put  the  gin  in  the  water,  Joseph  ?  " 

"I  did  not  say  so,  Mr.  Batkins." 

Joseph  left  me  to  attend  to  his  duties  as  a  page.  I  could  not 
but  hope  that  the  colonel  would  pay  me  the  sixty  dollars. 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  353 


CHAPTER  XLIV. 

THE  VETO. 

THERE  are  some  proverbs  or  sayings  which  serve  on  many 
and  opposite  occasions.  This  one  ought  to  be  put  up  in  every 
legislative  hall  and  alderman's  room  throughout  the  republic  : 
"Wise  men  change  their  minds;  fools  never  do."  Now  a 
question  comes  in  here,  what  are  the  proofs  that  a  man  is 
wise  previous  to  the  change?  Mr.  Birch,  and  in  fact  Dr. 
Slawter  also,  in  the  philosophical  talks  I  have  had 'with  these 
gentlemen,  had  a  good  deal  to  say  of  the  logic  of  events.  Al 
gebra,  logic,  and  law,  I  could  never  understand,  and  therefore 
they  are  of  no  use  to  me  in  the  solution  of  some  of  the  prob 
lems  of  human  nature.  Without  the  aid  of  these  sciences  at 
an  early  age  I  could  discover  why  my  father  changed  his 
mind  in  regard  of  the  railroad  running  through  the  old  bury- 
ing-ground,  notwithstanding  it  desecrated  the  grave  of  my 
mother;  and  his  grief,  or  sympathy,  with  others  at  this  at 
tempted  outrage  caused  him  to  be  the  prime  mover  of  the 
"indignation  meeting."  "Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  it  will  be  re 
membered,  put  the  thing  in  such  a  light  that  my  father  could 
see  the  w^ay  to  change  his  mind.  The  old  burying-ground 
was  dug  up,  the  ancestral  bones  of  the  fathers  and  mothers  of 
the  hamlet  were  deposited  in  the  new  cemetery  given  to  the 
town  by  the  railroad  corporation,  and  a  valuable  piece  of  land 
added  to  my  father's  farm,  with  other  and  divers  prospective 
advantages  secured  to  my  father  by  the  railroad.  If  there  is 
any  occasion  for  logic,  algebra,  or  rhetoric  here,  in  order  to 


354  LIFE    OF 

be  clear  that  my  father  was  a  wise  man,  so  be  it ;  and  let  my 
reader  use  them. 

When  Mr  Bout  well  was  made  governor.,  the  year  preceding 
my  entry  into  public  life,  I  had  not  heard  much  of  him,  only 
that  he  kept  a  store  in  the  country,  as  I  had  done,  and  of 
course,  as  a  store-keeper,  I  had  a  fellow-craft  feeling  for  him, 
and  for  that  reason  I  hoped  he  might  get  elected  if  the  people 
were  willing.  I  had  a  notion  my  father  voted  for  him  :  and  it 
is  of  no  consequence  now  to  say  whether  I  did  or  not,  nor  is  it 
important  for  anybody  to.  know  how  I  voted  in  the  Legisla 
ture. 

I  will  say  this,  so  far  as  my  allegiance  to  the  Honest  Men's  and 
Independent  party's  policy  would  permit,  I  was  disposed  to 
sustain  the  governor  on  personal  grounds,  on  account  of  his 
mercantile  antecedents.  I  used  to  wonder  if  he  had  such  a 
financial  clerk  as  I  had,  in  the  person  of  Aristarchus  Bean. 
I  studied  his  inaugural  message  to  the  two  houses,  to  one  of 
which  I  belonged.  Two  passages  made  a  great  impression 
upon  my  mind,  not  yet  removed,  because  of  the  great  moral 
improvement  going  on  in  the  Commonwealth  on  the  one  part, 
and  my  notions  of  politics  on  the  other.  I  copy  from  the 
message  :  — 

u  The  number  of  convicts  in  the  prison  is  rapidly  increas 
ing,  and  there  is  a  melancholy  prospect  that  all  the  cells  will 
be  occupied  in  three  years." 

This  had  reference  to  the  State's  institution  at  Charles- 
town,  to  be  seen  from  the  cupola  of  the  State  House  by  any 
person  who  does  not  care  to  travel  across  the  river.  -  I  saw  it 
from  this  point.  I  do  not  know  how  this  prophecy  has  been 
fulfilled.  The  governor's  address  closed  with  the  following 
information  to  us,  and  through  us  and  the  press  to  the  people:  — 

' ;  I  take  this  occasion  to  announce  my  determination  not  to  be 
a  candidate  for  re-election,  and  to  assure  you  of  my  purpose, 
under  Divine  Providence,  to  labor  in  private  life  with  equal 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  355 

zeal,  and  greater  freedom,  for  the  welfare  and  honor  of  the 
Commonwealth." 

At  that  time  I  believed  what  he  said,  and  in  my  own  mind 
concluded  that  after  two  years  I  would  follow  his  example. 

Of  my  own  will  I  rarely  changed  my  mind,  or  vote,  and 
perhaps  that  places  me  in  the  category  of  the  not  wise. 

I  have  said  before,  after  a  great  struggle,  they  —  not  we,  I 
was  absent  —  passed  the  prohibitory  law,  and  what  was  then 
called  by  some  a  bomb-shell,  foil  into  the  Senate,  in  shape  of' 
the  bill  returned,  with  a  veto  message,  arid  the  governors 
reasons  for  not  signing  the  same. 

I  am  no'o  writing  the  governor's   life  or  history,  political  or 
personal,  therefore  I  shall  not  do  more  than  make  an  extract 
from  the  message,  and  I   do   this  only  for  the  purpose  of  fur 
nishing     evidence     presumptive,     sustaining    a  philosophical 
theory,  of  which  the  governor,  if  he  ever  reads  my  life,  may 
desire  to  take  advantage.     This  is  the  governor's  composition, 
not  mine  nor  that  of  my  friendly  assistant :  — 

II  Two  considerations   have  great  influence  upon  my  mind. 
I  know  of  no  government,  either  despotic  or  republican,  which 
has  permanently  succeeded  in  limiting  the  use  of  intoxicating 
liquors,  except  so  far  as  it  was  sustained  by  the  conscientious 
opinion  and  practice  of  a  majority  of  the  people  ;  and  further, 
I  cannot,   by   any  process  of  moral  reasoning,  relieve  myself 
of  the   duty  of   resisting  the  passage  of  a  doubtful  measure, 
under  such  circumstances  that,  in  the  certain  ultimate  defeat 
that  awaits  it,  is  to  be  overthrown  the  cause  it  was  intended  to 
support." 

I  shall  do  no  more  than  to  remind  my  reader  that  after  some 
tinkering,  as  it  was  called,  the  liquor  law  bill  was  sent  back 
to  the  governor,  whose  signature  made  it  a  law,  and  whose 
reasons  for  the  change  of  his  mind  and  consequent  action 
were  given  in  a  message  on  the  last  day  of  the  session.  I 
shall  make  no  extracts  from  that  message. 


356  LIFE   OP 

During  his  practice  in  store-keeping  I  have  no  doubt  he 
found  it  necessary  to  raise  or  fall  on  the  price  of  some  articles 
of  produce  or  merchandise,  from  one  week  to  another,  or  even 
from  one  day  to  another,  in  consideration  and  in  consequence 
of  the  fluctuation  of  trade,  or  the  tricks  and  habits  of  oppo 
sition  store-keepers. 

•  Some  of  us  legislators,  who  were  not  in  the  governor's  confi 
dence,  found  it  difficult  to  account  for  this  change  from  our 
stand-points.  We  could  see  no  reason  if  his  first  arguments 
were  sound.  To  be  sure,  his  position  as  governor  was  on  a 
higher  altitude ;  he  could  see  farther  into  a  futurity  beyond 
our  political  horizon ;  but  as  he  had  declined  to  be  a  candidate 
for  re-election,  and  as  he  was  to  work  hereafter  with  "  equal 
zeal  and  greater  freedom  in  private  life  for  the  welfare  and 
honor  of  the  Commonwealth,'7  the  mystery  was  not  explained. 
I  am  able  to  account  for  it  only  upon  Dr.  Slawter's  notion  of 
what  he  called  molecular  changes,  as  referred  to  by  me  before. 
The  governor  was  probably  undergoing  the  last  of  the  series 
of  changes  involved  in  the  seven  years'  period  just  about  to 
terminate,  so  that  the  opinions  he  had  formed  during  that 
seven  years  were  not  those  of  the  governor  five  days  sub 
sequently  given. 

I  came  to  the  conclusion  that  politics  will  almost  make  a 
man  forget  the  ten  commandments.  Party  discipline  is  re 
morseless.  How  can  a  man  keep  the  fifth  commandment,  and 
vote  against  his  father  or  mother  ? 

Although  I  did  not  put  full  faith  in  Dr.  Slawter's  philoso 
phy  of  molecular  displacement  as  a  whole,  I  cannot  deny  that 
it  looks  reasonable,  and  appears  to  be  the  only  way  in  some 
instances  to  account  for  the  changes  people  make  in  their  pol 
itics,  religion,  and  other  matters,  and  the  increasing  desire  for 
divorce  from  marriage  vows.  I  admit  the  theory,  and  thus  it 
stands :  If  a  man  marries  a  woman,  and  she  changes  in 
seven  years,  she  is  another  person,  —  in  fact,  not  the  woman  the 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.       .  357 

man  married ;  or  the  change  may  be  in  the  man's  molecular 
arrangements,  and  the  new  shape  not  please  either.  As 
neither  party  in  law  can  be  bound  by  a  contract  another  party 
has  made,  believers  in  this  doctrine,  about  to  enter  into  mat 
rimonial  engagements,  should  be  allowed  to  make  conditions  to 
Dieet  the  new  order  of  things,  and  ^thus  lessen  the  number  of 
unmarried  females  in  the  census  returns  of  the  Commonwealth, 
in  my  opinion.  I  give  this  hint  tq  future  legislators. 

The  business  of  the  session  was  finished;  everything  was 
made  harmonious ;  all  the  little  quarrels  and  mistakes  were 
adjusted;  the  speaker  made  a  speech  complimentary  to  the 
members,  in  reply  to  a  resolution  of  thanks  passed  by  them 
complimentary  to  him.  In  the  Senate  there  were  similar  man 
ifestations,  as  I  was  told.  I  really  think  everybody  wanted 
to  go  home,  and  we  showed  the  exuberance  of  our  spirits  like 
school-boys  when  the  vacation  is  given  out.  We  had  a  ses 
sion  extra,  and  I  was  invited  to  take  the  chair,  which  I  de 
clined.  I  was  then  told  I  could  have  an  opportunity  of  finish 
ing  my  speech  on  the  liquor  law.  Joseph  came  to  me  to  tell 
me  it  was  a  mock  session,  and  I  must  not  speak  unless  I  went 
in  for  the  fun.  If  a  foreigner  had  been  present,  I  do  not 
know  what  he  would  have  thought  to  see  legislators  acting 
like  so  many  boys.  The  mock  session  was  participated  in  by 
the  members  of  the  Third  House.  The  next  day  the  General 
Court  was  prorogued  in. proper  form  until  the  Tuesday  next 
preceding  the  first  Wednesday  of  January,  1853.  The  ses 
sion  of  1852  was  among  the  things  of  the  past.  I  had  re 
ceived  my  per  diem  and  mileage,  made  Joseph  a  present  to 
remember  me  by,  and  received  from  him  some  stationery,  pen 
cils,  and  pens,  and  parted  with  him  with  a  desire  expressed  on 
both  sides  that  we  should  meet  again  on  some  future  occasion. 
Joseph  was  a  promising  lad,  and  did  not  "  tell  tales  out  of 
school ;  "  if  he  thinks  it  would  be  fair  to  inform  me  who  put  the 
gin  into  the  water,  I  shall  be  happy  to  hear  from  him.  I 
have  not  received  the  colonel's  sixty  dollars  to  this  day. 


358  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  XLV. 

SETTLING    UP. 

NEARLY  five  months  I  had  been  a  sojourner  in  Boston,  with 
the  exception  of  the  time  occupied  in  my  visit  to  Cranberry 
Centre,  on  political  grounds.  I  had  made  many  acquaintances  ; 
I  had  been  to  several  meeting-houses,  to  lectures,  to  the  Muse 
um,  to  the  theatres,  and  to  some  parties,  with  Miss  Wilson. 
I  had  heard  much  of  the  iniquities  of  Boston ;  but  with  the 
exception  of  my  visit  to  the  "  Saints'  Rest,"  and  the  decep 
tion  of  the  hackman,  I  cannot  say  I  saw  any  worse  things  in 
public  than  were  to  be  seen  in  my  own  Cranberry  Centre.  I 
must  say,  I  knew  of  things  being  done  in  the  Legislature,  or 
in  the  committee-rooms,  that  if  it  were  not  in  politics,  and  for 
the  good  of  the  State,  might  savor  of  a  lack  of  "  doing  as  you 
would  be  done  by,"  particularly  when  practised  by  deacons  and 
ministers,  who  always  prayed  before  doing  anything  out  of 
the  every-day  course  of  life. 

I  have  described  the  closing  moments  of  that  ever- to-be-re 
membered  session  which  connects  my  name  with  the  proud  his 
tory  of.  the  old  Bay  State.  I  carried  off  all  my  public  docu 
ments,  and  left  nothing  to  show  to  my  successor,  whoever  he 
might  be,  that  the  now  empty  place  had  been  the  seat  of  Batkins. 
A  boyish  propensity  for  a  moment  returned  to  me,  with  consid 
erable  force  of  inclination.  It  was  that  of  most  boys  who,  hav 
ing  jack-knives,  are  disposed  to  cut  their  names  upon  trees, 
doors,  or  school-house  desks  and  benches,  meeting-house  pews, 
and  other  wooden  fabrics  offering  facility  for  the  practice  of 
this  youthful  passion  for  wood  engraving.  I  did  not,  however, 


JEFFKRSON   S.    B ATKINS.  359 

carve  upon  the  vacated  seat  J.  S.  Batkins.  I  was  tempted, 
but  I  fell  not. 

I  will  not  describe  my  emotions,  as  for  the  last  time,  though 
then  I  knew  it  not,  I  descended  the  steps  of  the  State  House, 
It  was  spring,  and  I  was  about  to  return,  like  Cincinnatus,  to 
the  plough  I  left,  the  cattle,  the  sheep,  old  friends  and  neigh 
bors.  I  should  again  see  Miss  Feathergilt,  whom  I  had  fre 
quently  found  myself  calling  Amanda.  I  had  not  seen  her 
since  my  affair  on  the  day  of  the  speech,  which  I  was  so  un 
fairly  prevented  from  "getting  off,"  as  the  phrase  was,  though 
I  should  say,  speaking,  which  I  think  in  better  taste.  But  I 
was  consoled,  in  a  measure,  by  a  letter  from  Mr.  Bean,  in 
which  I  was  informed  that,  in  consequence  of  the  indignity 
put  upon  the  town  by  this  uncourteous  act  to  its  representa 
tive,  the  people,  without  respect  to  party,  were  determined  to 
get  up  an  ovation  to  receive  me  on  my  return. 

Now,  I  do  not  know  how  my  reader  would  feel  under  similar 
circumstances,  but  I  was  pleased  with  the  idea.  Mr.  Bean  wrote 
to  say  I  could  use  the  suppressed  and  martyred  speech  in  reply 
to  the  chairman  of  the  committee  who  would  welcome  me  back. 

Some  people  may  pretend  that  I  encouraged  a  childish 
feeling ;  but  here  comes  in  one  of  those  sayings,  as  they  call 
them,  that  I  believe  in.  I  have  seen  it,  and  I  have  felt  it,  in 
more  things  than  one  :  — 

"  Men  aro  but  children  of  a  larger  growth." 

It  is,  I  know,  usual  to  laugh  at  boys  for  dragging  their  sleds 
up  a  long  hill,  for  the  pleasure  of  riding  down.  Iliave  seen 
quite  old  men  try  to  do  the  same,  and  sometimes,  after  drag 
ging  the  sled  up  hill,  somebody  else  would  get  the  ride  down. 
My  reference  to  sledding  is  rhetorical,  particularly  as  to  old 
"  coasters." 

So  I  felt  proud  of  the  reception  I  was  to  have,  and  already 
was  revolving  in  my  mind  whether  I  should  choose  the  style 


3 GO  LIFE    OF 

of  Demosthenes,  Cicero,  or  Seth  Spring,  in  my  speech.  No 
one  could  stop  me  after  I  once  started,  and  I  should  have  the 
opportunity  "to  define  my  position,"  as  they  termed  it,  on  a 
variety  of  topics.  Ah,  if  I  could  feel  now  as  I  felt  then  !  My 
boyish  fancy,  which'  you  know  was  never  one  of  the  fastest, 
revived  again,  as  in  the  knife-cutting  design  I  had  upon  the 
mahogany  of  the  State  House  seats. 

I  had  also  the  opportunity  to  hear  Daniel  Webster  speak  a 
speech  in  Fanueil  Hall, — a  real  Boston  speech.  The  gov 
ernor  was  there,  the  postmaster,  the  mayor,  and  many  other 
public  and  private  functionaries,  besides  myself,  with  the  city 
government  of  Boston,  at  whose  invitation  Mr.  Webster  spoke 
his  speech.  When  they  came  into  the  hall  the  cheers  were 
long  and  loud.  The  mayor  introduced  Mr.  Webster  to  the 
people  as  our  esteemed  friend  and  townsman,  Hon.  Daniel 
Webster.  At  that  moment  I  thought  of  Cranberry  Centre, 
and  the  reception  preparing  for  me.  Mr.  Webster  rose  majes 
tically  on  the  platform,  and  spoke  handsomely  for  some  time. 
He  said  the  path  of  politics  was  a  thorny  path,  and  on  this  oc 
casion  he  should  leave  the  briars  and  go  in  for  a  time  among 
the  roses.  He  said  folks  sometimes  said  he  was  the  man  that 
made  Noah  Webster's  Dictionary.  He  said  Boston  was  a 
noble  place,  and  he  wanted  to  know  where  you  could  find 
another  Boston.  I  put  some  of  his  sayings  on  my  "memoran 
dum-book,  thinking  some  of  them  would  do  for  Cranberry  Cen 
tre,  with  a  little  change.  Two  lines  of  poetry  that  he 
spoke  made  a  good  deal  of  laughing.  They  were  as  fol 
lows  :  — 

"  Yo  solid  men  of  Boston,  make  no  long  orations, 
Ye  solid  men  of  Boston,  drink  no  strong  potations." 

This  was  near  the  end  of  the  speech,  and  all  the  people, 
white-headed,  solid  old  gentlemen  and  all,  gave  three  cheers  for 
this  poetry,  though  I  did  not  then  see  through  the  joke  of  it. 


S.    B ATKINS.  361 

I  never  beard  so  much  merriment  before,  except  at  the  Mu 
seum,  when  Mr.  Warren  was  making  his  speeches. 

When  the  speech  was  over,  I  went  home  and  found  I  was 
full  of  enthusiasm,  and  begun  to  think  everybody  liked  to  be 
applauded,  and  that  the  path  of  politics  was  not  so  thorny, 
after  all.  While  reflecting  upon  all  that  had  happened,  I 
thought  I  would  write  an  address  to  the  people  of  Boston,  and 
have  it  printed  in  the  "  Boston  Post,"  that  paper  having 
spoken  kindly  of  me,  before  I  had  the  pleasure  of  being  intro 
duced  to  the  editor.  I  wrote  the  address,  and  read  it 
to  Wilson ;  he  thought  it  did  honor  to  my  qualities  as  a  man, 
but,  being  a  legislator,  he  thought  it  had  better  not  appear  in 
print,  as  my  motives  might  be  misapprehended.  I  followed 
his  advice  then,  but  I  do  not  think  it  ought  to  slumber  any 
longer  in  obscurity,  when  addresses  in  my  judgment  no  better 
are  the  subjects  of  great  praise.  I  subjoin  portions  of  the  doc 
ument  ;  it  began  thus  :  — 

"TO    MY    FRIENDS    IN    BOSTON. 

"  About  to  leave  this  hospitable  city,  I  desire  to  express 
some  of  my  sentiments  of  gratitude  before  I  return  to  Cran 
berry  Centre.  I  am  no  man  of  letters,  in  the  literary  accept 
ance  of  that  term ;  but  it  has  sometimes  happened  that  in  the 
course  of  my  official  duties  I  have  been  called  upon  to  write  a 
letter,  and  I  did  it."  [This  was  from  Mr.  Webster's  speech. 
When  he  spoke  it,  the  cheers  and  applause  were  vociferous. 
I  suppose  now  everybody  knew  what  it  meant.] 

"The  citizens  of  Boston  and  vicinity  first  heard  my  name 
at  the  Museum;  therefore  first  I  address  myself  to  the 
players  of  Boston,  and  particularly  to  those  who  act  plays, 
to  whom  I  am  indebted  for  many  ideas  unknown  to  me  before. 

"  I  have  a  very  high  opinion  of  the  play-actors'  way  of  tell 
ing  a  story ;  and  all  I  have  to  say  of  a  number  of  them  with 
whom  I  became  acquainted,  is,  they  appeared  to  know  more  of 


362  LIFE   OF 

history  and  politics  than  the  average  of  my  associates  of  the 
State  House.  I  wish  to  place  my  acknowledgments  for  services 
rendered  by  some  of  them  as  individuals,  on.  the  same  page  that 
I  record  my  delight  at  the  amusement  they  offered  me,  on  the 
stage,  in  their  professional  vocation.  All  I  have  to  ask 
of  them  is,  if  any  of  them  hereafter  should  present  me  to  the 
public  in  a  dramatic  form,  to  remember  that  if  their  business 
is  '  to  hold  the  mirror  up  to  nature,'  it  is  not  best  on  all  occa 
sions  to  hold  that  mirror  up  in  public  to  some  things,  however 
natural  they  may  .be.  I  do  not  propose  to  criticise  the 
players ;  in  me  that  would  be  a  ridiculous  assumption  and  out 
of  my  line,  you  understand ;  only  this  was  my  private  opinion, 
now  publicly  expressed. 

"As  to  the  clergymen,  I  do  not  desire  to  put  upon  this 
record  any  characteristic  remarks.  I  agree  as  to  their 
usefulness  in  a  professional  point  of  view ;  but  as  to  char 
ity,  although  that  is  a  favorite  topic  of  discourse,  I 
really  do  not  think,  you  understand,  from  my  point  of  view, 
they  all  practise  it  any  more  than. some  other  classes  of  their 
fellow-citizens,  particularly  when  they  preach  politics,  or  any 
of  the  fine  arts. 

"  As  to  the  doctors,  I  did  not  need,  during  my  sojourn  in 
Boston,  many  professional  services,  and  therefore  was  under 
but  little  obligation  to  them,  so  far  as  the  domain  of  medicine 
was  concerned ;  but  as  a  legislator  I  had  need  to  consult  them, 
and  in  my  official  visits  to  some  of  the  State  institutions  I  did 
avail  myself  of  the  opportunity.  They  agreed  pretty  well 
with  our  old  physician  of  Cranberry  Centre,  Dr.  Slawter, 
who  used  to  say,  '  So  much  depended  on  matters  that  you 
never  could  know  anything  about,  it  was  extremely  difficult, 
at  all  times,  to  make  up  your  mind  in  a  case  that  was  in  any 
way  doubtful.' 

"  As  I  may  visit  Boston  again,  and  require  the  services  of 
some  of  its  eminent  physicians  or  surgeons,  I  think  it  best, 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  363 

you  understand,  not  to  put  into  print  what  I  thought  of  some 
of  them. 

"  As  to  the  lawyers,  to  whose  good  offices  I  owed  much,  I 
dare  not  say  exactly  what  I  think.  I  am  ready  to  pay  those  to 
whom  I  may  have  been  indebted ;  but  I  fear  to  mention  any 
names  in  connection  with  such  services,  as,  although  I  was  in 
formed  that  the  advice  given  was  gratuitous,  still,  under  the 
influence  of  molecular  or  some  other  change,  my  words  might 
be  made  a  foundation  for  an  action  against  me,  or  my  executors, 
if  I  have  any,  by  their  heirs,  administrators,  or  assignees,  if 
any  such  persons  survive  them. 

11 1  feel  like  recommending  to  patronage  many  of  the  store 
keepers  and  traders  with  whom  I  had  dealings,  and  in  conse 
quence,  in  part,  of  my  former  occupation,  and  partly  from  my 
public  official  character  as  the  member  from  Cranberry  Cen 
tre,  they  frequently  sold  me  articles  at  cost,  giving  me  the  op 
portunity  of  adding  a  profit  when  I  bought  for  others,  and 
saving  a  penny  for  myself  when  the  articles  were  for  home 
consumption."* 

This  was  the  substance  of  my  address.  I  settled  with  Mr. 
Wilson  for  my  board  and  lodgings  during  the  session,  to  his 
satisfaction ;  and  as  that  was  a  kind  of  family  affair  I  avoid  further 
particulars.  I  do  not  think  he  could  make  a  fortune  keep 
ing  a  boarding-house  for  members  of  the  General  Court,  if 
their  appetites  were  equal  to  mine,  and  the  weekly  pay  was 
no  greater  than  the  price  for  which  he  gave  me  a  receipt  in 
full. 

I  shall  not  attempt  a  description  of  the  final  separation  be 
tween  myself  and  the  Wilson  family.  Words  are  always  inade 
quate  to  fully  express  emotions  and  sensations,  and  it  is  in  this 

*  I  have  to  acknowledge  some  omissions  made  against  my  judgment. 


364  LIFE    OF 

I  think  the  dramatic  form  of  expression  excels.  It  reproduces 
the  scene,  as  it  were,  and  I  would  adopt  it  at  this  time,  but  my 
friendly  coadjutor  advises  me  not  to  do  so.  He  says  that  in 
the  mere  separation  of  friends  there  is  no  great  dramatic 
effect,  and  that  it  is  so  common  an  aifair  in  every-day  life  that 
but  little  imagination  is  required  to  appreciate  any  peculiar 
case,  and  therefore  it  will  be  understood  at  once  when  only 
mentioned  in  proper  connection  with  the  natural  order  of  events. 
Mr.  Bean's  letter  came  duly  to  hand,  informing  me  that 
all  the  arrangements  were  made  for  my  reception,  and  that  a 
committee  would  be  sent  to  Boston  to  accompany  me  to  Cran 
berry  Centre.  The  committee  arrived,  and  with  them  I  took 
my  departure  for  home,  giving  a  last,  lingering  look  at  the 
State  House  cupola  as  it  faded  from  my  view. 


JEFFERSON  S.   B  ATKINS.  365 


CHAPTER  XL VI. 

MY  RETURN  TO  CRANBERRY  CENTRE. 

IN  the  earlier  part  of  my  history,  it  will  be  remembered,  men 
tion  was  made  of  the  u  County  Gazette,"  in  which  journal  my 
name  first  appeared  in  its  account  of  the  accident  originating 
in  the  then  young  but  fertile  brain  of  Mr.   Bean.     For  some 
years  that  journal  was  the  organ  of  a  party  in  the  district, 
making  itself  a  useful  ally  to  the  machinery  of  politics  about 
election  time.     Some  disappointed  politicians,  upon  the  prin 
ciple  of    "  divide  and  conquer,"   proposed   to  set  up  a  new 
journal.     Assisted  by  some  discharged   printers,  rival   paper- 
makers,  and  some  furloughed  editors  from  other  parts  of  the 
State,   the   idea   became  a  fact ;  a  small  sheet  bearing  this 
imposing    title,    "The     Independent     Success    and    Weekly 
Forum,"  was  issued  from  the  office  secured  for  the  publication 
of  this  new  candidate   for  public   favor.     I  was  asked  to  sub 
scribe  for  this  paper,  and  did  so.     It  had  been  reported  that 
the  "  Success"  had  outlived  its  usefulness  ;  it  had  become  an  un 
profitable  concern  to'  its  projectors,  some  of  whom  had  secured 
places   under  the  government  in  some  way.     In  the  race  of 
competition  it   had  compelled  the  proprietor  of  the  "  County 
Gazette  "   to  additional  outlay.     This,   undoubtedly,   was   of 
advantage  to  the  subscribers  and  readers,  and  to  the  character 
for  enterprise  of  the  older  journal,  but  it  lessened  the  profits, 
so  that  after  some  negotiation,  and  upon  terms  not  made  pub 
lic,  the  two  rivals  were  consolidated,  merged  into   each  other, 
and  the  "  County  Gazette,"  as  stated  in  an  editorial  valedic 
tory,  salutatory   and  congratulatory,  was  again  the  organ  as 


3C6  LftK    OP 

before.  It  is  from  the  account  given  in  the  enlarged  "  County 
Gazette ''  of  my  reception,  by  the  people  of  Cranberry  Centre, 
on  the  following  day,  that  ruy  readers  and  the  rest  of  the  world 
•will  be  informed  of  what  occurred  on  that  memorable  occasion. 
I  kept  several  copies  of  the  "  County  Gazette/'  and  I  have  no 
doubt  any  one  curious  in  such  matters,  by  consulting  the  files 
of  papers,  will  find  I  am  corroborated  not  only  in  this  but  in 
the  case  of  the  accident  so  often  referred  to  by  me. 

"  At  an  early  hour  yesterday  morning  there  was  an  unusual 
excitement  in  our  usually  quiet  town.  Flags  were  raised  upon 
the  town-hall  and  at  the  railway  station,  a  telegram  having 
been  received  the  evening  before  that  our  distinguished  towns 
man  and  representative,  J.  8.  BatkinS,  Esq.,  would  arrive 
about  noon  the  following  day,  from  Boston.  We  believe  it 
was  the  expressed  desire  of  Mr.  Batkins  tiiat  he  should  be 
permitted  to  return  without  any  parade,  but  his  desires  were 
overruled.  The  members  of  the  Committee  of  Arrangements 
left  a  day  or  two  since,  and  are  to  return  with  him.  An  hour 
before  the  expected  arrival  of  the  train  the  streets  were  filled 
with  our  people  on  their  way  to  the  station.  A  platform  had 
been  erected,  arid  a  band  of  musicians  were  in  attendance. 
Many  ladies  were  present.  The  day  was  auspicious.  At 
length  the  whistle  of  the  engine  was  heard;  now  all  was  ex 
citement  and  animation.  In  a  few  moments  the  train  slowly 
approached  the  station ;  this  was  the  signal  for  cheers,  which 
were  increased  as  Mr.  Batkins,  on  the  arm  of  Aristarchus  Bean, 
Esq.,  stepped  from  the  car  to  the  platform.  The  band  had 
been  playing  — 

"See,  the  conquering  hero  conies!" 

"  Mr.  Batkins  looked  a  little  careworn,  but  at  the  sight  of 
his  fellow-citizens  his  face  beamed  with  smiles,  and  he  bowed 
in  acknowledgment  to  the  enthusiastic  cheers  that  awaited 
him.  As  he  ascended  to  the  raised  platform  in  the  square, 


JKFFERSON   S.    £  ATKINS.  3G7 

ladies  waved  their  handkerchiefs,  and  the  applause  was  deafen- 


ing." 


"The  Honorable  Seth  Spring,  one  of  his  competitors 
in  the  canvass  which  resulted  in  Mr.  Batkins'  election,  was 
selected  to  welcome  him  home,  and  after  the  cheers  had  sub 
sided  addressed  our  distinguished  representative  as  follows  :  — 

"  '  Mr.  Batkins,  sir.  I  am  selected,  sir,  as  the  organ  of  your 
constituents,  to  welcome  you  to  Cranberry  Centre.  Sir,  it  is 
not  given  to  everybody,  however  strong  may  be  the  will  and 
the  inclination,  always  to  perform  a  duty ;  but,  sir,  intentions 
are  to  be  appreciated  and  rewarded,  even  if  these  intentions 
fail  to  be  carried  out.  Now,  sir,  the  duty  imposed  upon  me 
on  this  occasion  is  a  pleasure,  and  yet  I  may  fail  to  perform 
that  duty  satisfactorily  to  your  constituents,  to  you,  or  to  my 
self.  At  a  time,  sir,  when  none  but  the  strongest  men,  the 
men  of  tried  ability,  were  needed  in  the  Legislature  of  the 
State,  from  the  country,  to  meet  the  constant  inroads  made 
upon  our  rights,  our  interests,  and  our  good  name,  by  the 
Boston  members,  the  sagacity  of  your  fellow-citizens  dis 
covered  in  you  just  the  man,  in  their  judgment,  for  the  occa 
sion.  I  need  not  remind  you,  sir,  that  in  honorable  rivalry 
I  was  opposed  to  you ;  that  I  was  defeated ;  but  I  bow  to  the 
will  of  the  people,  sir,  and  rejoice  that  you  have  returned  to 
give  to  them  an  account  of  your  stewardship.  (Applause.) 

"  •  Sir,'  all  know  your  modesty,  your  amiability,  your  hon 
esty,  your  distrust  of  your  own  ability,  as  well  as  your  determi 
nation  to  do  your  duty,  according  to  the  means  at  your  dis 
posal.  \Ve  know,  sir,  that  you  were  inexperienced  in  the 
wiles  and  mazes  of  political  intrigues  and  corruption.  We  did ' 
not  suppose  you  would  beard  this  lion  clique  of  city  influence 
in  its  den  with  wild  vociferation,  belligerent  harangue,  and 
vindictive  invective :  and  we  have  not  been  disappointed  in 
your  masterly  inactivity.  You  have  fully  realized  our  expec 
tations.  No  doubt  you  have  learned  much  that  will  be  useful 
to  you  in  your  retirement.  I  do  not  desire  to  anticipate  the 


368  LIFE   OF 

pleasure  my  fellow-townsmen  are  to  enjoy,  wheu  they  hear 
from  your  own  lips  the  speech  you  failed  to  secure  the  oppor 
tunity  to  make  from  your  place  at  the  State  House,  by  any 
reference  to  the  noble  sentiments  which  adorn  it,  and  which,  if 
it  had  been  heard,  I  have  no  doubt  would  have  struck  conster 
nation  to  the  enemies  of  rural  progress. 

"  '  Perhaps,  sir,  by  this  time  you  have  learned  that  a  seat 
in  the  Legislature  is  not  a  bed  of  roses  to  those  of  your  pe 
culiar  temperament,  which  renders  its  possessor  unfit  for  the 
stormy  debate,  when  veterans  are  in  the  opposing  ranks.  Your 
caution,  sir,  and  prudence,  sir,  are  to  be  commended.  Your 
expressive  silence,  sir,  when  Cranberry  Centre  was  insulted, 
showed  the  contempt  you  had  for  windy,  wordy  declamation, 
and  the  scornful  look  that  you  gave  that  representative,  who, 
by  unparliamentary  trick,  had  closed  your  mouth  was  to  him 
almost  indignant  annihilation  ;  but,  sir,  I  will  detain  you  no 
longer  from  expressing  to  your  friends,  irrespective  of  party, 
who  are  here  in  crowds  to  welcome  you,  your  own  views  as 
to  the  reasons  why  you  have  been  deprived  from  stamping 
upon  the  legislation  of  the  session  the  impressions  of  your 
genius,  talent,  learning,  knowledge,  and  patriotic  force,  for 
which  supposed  latent  qualities,  still  latent,  yet  to  shine,  you 
had  been  selected  by  your  townsmen's  votes.  Every  part  of 
the  district  will  rejoice  at  your  return,  and  as  the  cheers  of 
your  friends  strike  your  ear,  the  hill-tops  and  the  rocks,  if 
they  could  speak  with  tongues,  would  join  their  mighty  voices, 
and  the  name  of  Batkins  would  startle  the  sun  in  its  noon 
day  splendor.  I  have  now  the  pleasure  to  introduce  to  you 
Mr.  Batkins,  fellow-citizens.' 

"At  this  point  the  applause  was  deafening,  and  loud  cries 
for  Batkins  were  heard  above  the  din.  Mr.  Batkins  was  a 
little  nervous,  and  after  bowing  in  recognition  of  the  welcome, 
the  band  played  — 

"  '  Hail  to  the  chief ! ' 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  3G9 

"  When  the  inspiring  notes  of  the  band  had  died  away.  Mr. 
Batldns  advanced  to  the  front  of  the  platform,  and  the  cheers 
were  renewed.  At  length  silence  prevailed,  and  Mr.  Batkins 
began  his  speech  :  — 

"  '  Mr.  President,  Mr.  Moderator,  Mr.  Chairman,  and  fel 
low-citizens  :  Notwithstanding  my  objections  to  this  demon 
stration,  it  appearing  to  be  the  wish  of  my  fellow-townsmen,  I 
consented,  and,  fearing  to  trust  to  my  memory,  I  began  to 
write  a  speech,  which  I  intended  to  read  to  you  as  the  sponta 
neous  reply  of  my  heart  to  the  spontaneous  welcome  you  have 
given  to  me,  on  my  return  to  my  native  town  after 
my  sojourn  in  Boston,  through  your  chairman,  the  Hon 
orable  Seth  Spring,  who  was  my  predecessor.  I  thank  you, 
Mr.  Chairman,  I  thank  my  fellow-citizens,  for  this  noble  wel 
come.  Mr.  Chairman,  you  said  a  seat  in  the  General  Court 
was  not  a  bed  of  roses.  No.  sir,  if  you  are  disposed  to  serve 
your  country,  it  is  a  bed  of  thorns.  Sir,  you  have  heard  of 
the  toad  under  the  harrow,  trying  to  get  away  from  the  three- 
cornered  machkie  filled  with  rows  of  iron  teeth,  as  it  ran 
through  the  gravel  and  rocks  of  cultivation.  In  just  such  a 
spot  I've  been.  No  toad,  under  any  kind  of  harrow,  is  in 
greater  danger  than  is  a  representative  from  the  rural  districts 
who  undertakes  to  oppose,  as  you  observed,  sir,  the  lion  clique 
of  Boston  members. 

"  '  I  shall  repeat  here  what  I  would  have  said  to  those  ar 
rogant  representatives  and  senators  of  that  Boston  clique. 
Yes,  sir,  go  back  to  Rome,  if  you  have  read  its  history  in  the 
days  of  Caesar,  Cicero,  and  Romulus  and  Remus.  Rome, 
sir,  originally  was  not  like  this  favored  country  of  ours,  the 
home  of  its  aborigines  ;  if  I  have  read  its  history  aright,  sir, 
it  was  a  rural  district ;  its  dwellers  dwelt  in  peace  and  hap 
piness  ;  but,  sir,  in  my  early  days,  the  "  Life  of  Charlotte 
Temple"  fell  into  my  hands,  and  upon  the  title-page  were 

24-      ' 


370  LIFE    OF 

some  verses,  one  line  of  which  I  chiefly  remember.      This 
was  its  beginning  :  — 

"  '  She  was  her  parents'  only  joy; 
They  had  but  one  —  one  darling  child/  — 

and  the  ending,  sir,  was  thus,  if  my  memory  serves  me  :  — 

"  '  But,  ah,  the  cruel  spoiler  came! ' 

"'So  was  it  with  Rome,  when  emigration  was  made  the 
policy  of  the  people,  thieves  and  murderers  came  to  it  from 
all  tongues,  all  nations,  and  swelling  the  number  of  its'  in 
habitants  until  it  fought  and  conquered  half  the  world  in  the 
European  hemisphere. 

"  'I  want  to  see  no  such  fate  for  Cranberry  Centre;  yet 
what  sad  forebodings  had  the  governor,  of  some  parts  of  the 
State,  when  he  said,  in  three  years  the  cells  of  the  State  Prison 
would  be  full.  And  this  is  Boston  influence  !  Sir,  I  may 
say  of  Cranberry  Centre, — 

" '  Sho  was  her  parents'  only  joy; '  -»- 

her  parent  the  State  ;  and.  sir,  I  hope  it  may  be  a  long  day 
before  either  I  or  my  successor  shall  have  it  to  say  :  — 

" '  Alas,  the  cruel  spoiler  came! ' 

11  'But  it  may  come.  If  it  does,  it  will  come  in  the  shape 
of  Boston  influence.  Ah,  sir,  money  is  the  sinew  of  war, 
money  is  the  engine  of  destruction.  It  is  this  we  have  to  fear  ; 
money  will  be  the  spoiler  if  the  spoiler  comes,  and  in  cities 
money  gathers  and  grows.  A  city  is  a  gigantic  money  monster ; 
money,  evil  as  it  is,  derives  much  of  its  power  for  mischief, 
because  it  is  a  necessary  evil.  A  sufficiency  is  well ;  but  what 
does  a  Boston  member  know  of  a  sufficiency  ?  Sir,  I  had  not 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  371 

time  myself,  but  a  friend,  by  his  assistance,  in  part  enables 
me  to  thus  portray  the  power  of  money.  No  wonder  the 
proverb  has  it,  it  is  easier  for  a  camel  to  pass  through  the  eye 
of  a  needle  than  for  a  rich  man  to  enter  the  place  established 
for  a  different  class  of  citizens ;  but,  sir,  Boston  has  money, 
and  what  does  my  friend  say  money  will  do  ?  For  money, 
man  works,  toils,  digs,  performs  all  menial  offices,  braves  all 
dangers,  and  sometimes  when  I  say  man  I  mean  woman,  as 
I  usually  do  in  speaking  of  a  race. 

"  l  But,  perhaps,  my  fellow-citizens,  I  weary  you  ;  if  so, 
I  will  pursue  the  subject  no  further.' 

"  Here  Mr.  Batkins  was  interrupted  by  cries  of  '  Go  on  !  ' 
and  loud  cheers.  He  bowed  gracefully,  and  proceeded :  '  I 
was  speaking  of  the  money  power,  Mr.  Chairman,  and  you 
did  me  but  justice,  sir,  when  you  referred  to  the  noble  senti 
ments  which,  as  you  were  pleased  to  say,  adorned  my  speech,  and 
which,  if  it  had  been  heard  in  the  State  House,  would  have  at 
least  expressed  my  views,  whatever  its  effect  may  have  been 
upon  the  case-hardened  despots,  who  were  determined  not  to 
listen  to  it ;  but,  sir,  I  have  not  forgotten  that  hour  nor  that 
stifled  speech.  In  conclusion,  my  fellow-citizens  shall 
hear  it  now.  I  should  have  said,  had  I  been  allowed  to  pro 
ceed,  among  other  things  this :  What  does  a  great  writer 
say  of  cities?  That  they  are  huge  sinks  of  iniquity,  sores 
upon  the  fair  skin  of  civilization;  sinks,  sir,  into  which  are 
drawn  all  that  is  pure  and  lovely  from  the  rural  districts  to 
mingle  with  the  luxuries,  wealth,  and  dissipatiqn,  which  fill 
the  gilded  temples,  made  and  furnished  to  tempt  our  youth  to 
ruin.  Such  are  cities.  Boston  is  a  city.  A  city  is  a  tyrant. 
It  puts  its  chains  on  the  rural  districts  by  its  money  power ; 
but,  sir,  whatever  city  is  nearer  geographically  to  Cranberry 
Centre  than  any  other,  I  say  to'the  representatives  of  that  city, 
it  shall  never  put  the  manacles  upon  Cranberry  Centre, so  as  to 
prevent  its  representatives  from  being  heard,  while  the  green 


372  LIFE    OF 

hills  of  the  Commonwealth  shall  keep  their  verdure,  or  the 
native  bird  of  freedom  builds  its  nest  upon  the  trees  of  the 
forests  that  crown  their  snow-white  crests,  teaching  its  young 
eaglets  to  soar  above  the  steeples  and  chimneys,  towers  and 
domes  of  the  American  Athens,  flapping  their  wings  in  warn 
ings  to  its  inhabitants,  the  would-be  usurpers  of  the  people's 
rights !  ' 

"  After  this  brilliant  peroration  the  applause  was  tumultuous. 
Mr.  Batkins  was  congratulated  on  all  hands  and  many  wished 
that  it  could  have  been  heard  in  the  State  House. 

"  The  band  now  played  the  '  Star-spangled  Banner  '  closing 
with  'Yankee  Doodle,'  that  inspiring  national  air,  in  compari 
son  with  which  '  God  save  the  King '  appears  to  be  a  psalm- 
tune.  A  splendid  barouche,  drawn  by  four  white  horses,  now 
drove  up.  In  this  Mr.  Batkins  was  seated,  and  with  some 
members  of  the  committee,  they  were  driven  rapidly  to  the 
homestead  of  Mr.  Batkins,  senior,  the  residence  of  our  dis 
tinguished  representative  and  honored  guest.  The  crowd  dis 
persed,  and  thus  happily  closed  these  interesting  ceremonies, 
and  so  far  as  we  have  heard  no  accident  occurred  to  mar  the 
general  joy  of  the  occasion." 


JEFFERSON  S,    B ATKINS.  373 


CHAPTER  XLVIL 

AFTER-THOUGHTS. 

AFTER  my  arrival  at  the  homestead,  I  was  welcomed 
by  my  father,  Aunt  Dolly,  and  a  few  friends,  without  the 
formality  of  speeches.  I  retired  to  my  room,  which  I  had  some 
what  improved,  and  which  I  intended  to  convert  into  a  library 
when  all  my  books  arrived.  I  began  to  think  on  what  I  had 
spoken.  The  Hon.  Seth  Spring's  address  to  me  differing  some 
from  what  I  expected,  my  written  speech  did  not  generally  fit 
the  case.  I  did  not  know  but,  in  endeavoring  to  make  selec 
tions  from  other  speeches,  trusting  to  my  memory,  I  should 
fall  into  the  same  error  that  I  did  in  trying  to  bring  in  the 
eagle  over  the  speaker's  chair,  you  understand,  in  my 
State  House  speech.  I  felt  pretty  well  on  the  road,  but  when 
I  heard  the  band  playing  I  asked  Mr.  Bean  what  tune  it  was. 
He  told  me  it  was  — 

"  See,  the  conquering  hero  conies  ! " 

I  felt  a  little,  as  the  saying  is,  like  sinking  down  in  my  boots. 
Then  again  when  they  played  what  I  was  told  was  — 

"  Hail  to  tho  chief !  " 

I  became  quite  nervous.      Was  I  a  conquering  hero  ?     Was  I 
a  chief? 

The  incidents  of  the  rest  of  the  day  were  not  of  importance 
enough  for  me  to  take  any  notice  of  them.  I  was  under  an 
impression  that  Mr.  Spring  did  not  put  things  in  just  the  light 


374  '  LIFE    OF 

he  ought  to  have  done.  It  appeared  to  me  as  if  he  was  mak 
ing  an  apology  for  what  I  did  not  do,  rather  than  praising  me 
for  what  I  had  done. 

I  retired  at  an  early  hour  to  .rest ;  but  my  dreams  were  not 
of  a  happy  nature,  although  composed  of  a  mixture  of  Spring, 
Bean,  the  four  white  horses,  my  speech,  Miss  Feathergilt,  and 
a  variety  of  other  promiscuous  and  incongruous  subjects.  I 
had  undertaken  to  read  over  my  speech,  and  that  may  in  part 
account  for  the  antics  my  brain  was  playing,  as  I  lay  upon  my 
bed  upon  which  I  had  had  so  many  nights  of  sweet  repose. 
The  crowing  of  the  cocks,  the  neighing  of  the  horses,  the 
bleating  of  the  sheep,  the  lowing  of  the  cows,  the  grunting 
of  the  pigs,  and  other  well-known  rural  sounds,  to  which  I 
had  been  so  long  a  stranger,  roused  me  from  my  disturbed 
slumber,  and  I  felt,  for  the  first  time,  I  was  at  home  again. 
After  one  of  Aunt  Dolly's  famous  breakfasts  I  walked  about, 
in  conversation  with  iny  father,  asking  him  his  opinion  of  Mr. 
Spring's  speech  and  my  reply  thereto. 

My  father  said,  "  Jefferson,  Seth  Spring  is  an  artful,  long 
headed  fellow,  Jeff,  —  a  scholar,  Jeff,  —  and  them  scholars 
handle  words  so  that  they  sound  smooth  and  nice,  but  cover  up  a 
lot  of  sly  hints,  dry  knocks,  and  sharp  digs  at  an  opponent. 
Now,  to  be  candid,  Jefferson,  I  do  not  think  your  reply  to 
him  was  just  the  thing;  but  we  shall  understand  it  better 
when  we  read  it  in  the  "  County  Gazette."  I  walked  about 
the  farm,  but  did  not  mingle  that  day  much  with  my  fellow- 
citizens.  In  the  afternoon  I  received  our  copy  of  the  "  County 
Gazette, ;'  my  father  having  been  one  of  the  original  sub 
scribers  to  that  venerable  journal.  Among  the  first  articles 
that  met  my  eye  was  the  following  :  — 

"  We  have  devoted  a  considerable  space  in  our  paper  to-day 
to  the  account  of  the  reception  of  our  representative,  Jeffer 
son  S.  Batkins,  Esq.  We  have  heard  many  remarks  made  as 
to  the  singularly  ambiguous  style  of  Mr.  Spring's  address,  as 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  375 

also  to  some  of  the  points  in  Mr.  Batkins'  reply.  We  defer 
offering  any  opinion  in  this  day's  issue,  reserving  what  we 
may  have  to  say  upon  the  subject  to  a  future  time." 

I  went  to  my  room  with  the  paper.  I  read  the  speech,  and 
the  editorial  remarks,  with  which  I  agreed  in  the  main.  Mr. 
Birch  called  in  the  evening,  and  together  we  studied  over 
Mr.  Spring's  address.  Mr.  Birch  said  it  was  one  of  the  best 
specimens  of  ironic  praise  it  had  ever  been  his  fortune  to  read, 
and  as  it  was  delivered,  emphatically  so.  He  -said  it  was  the 
perfection  of  scientific  lip  labor.  After  this  interview  with 
Mr.  Birch  I  confess  I  did  not  have  so  high  an  opinion  of 
my  powers  as  I  had  encouraged  myself  to  believe  I  had  from 
the  applause  given  to  me  by  my  constituents  on  the  day  of 
my  arrival. 

I  am  free  to  say,  at  this  time,  I  did  not  think  my  speech  in 
reply  was  a  very  brilliant  affair,  but  in  conformity  with  my 
plan  to  publish  my  blunders  as  well  as  my  successes,  and 
inasmuch  as  it  had  been  printed  in  the  newspaper,  I  have  given 
it  to  the  world  at  this  late  day  as  a  specimen  brick  out  of 
which  my  fabric  of  reputation  was  erected. 


376  LIFE   OF 


CHAPTER  XLVIII. 

POPULARITY. 

NOTHING  of  especial  interest  occurred  for  some  time  after  the 
nine  days'  wonder  of  my  reception  had  passed  away.  I  had 
completed  my  library,  had  shelves  made  to  hold  my  books,  and 
maps  were  adorning,  the  walls.  I  was  fast  preparing  myself 
for  a  second  term  at  the  State  House,  assisted  by  Mr.  Birch, 
who  transferred  the  stores  of  knowledge  from  his  mental  gran 
ary,  the  brain,  to  mine,  in  return  for  which  labor  I  transferred 
various  products  from  the  farm,  in  the  shape  of  mutton,  beef, 
vegetables,  butter  and  cheese,  with  now  and  then  a  keg  of  our 
Old  Orchard,  which  he  declared  was  superior  to  much  of  the 
imported  liquor  under  the  designation  of  wine.  I  had  much 
assistance  from  Mr.  Birch.  His  family  made  no  objections 
to  a  present  now  and  then,  from  Aunt  Dolly,  in  the  shape  of 
some  nice  mixtures  of  her  preparation. 

I  began  to  have  more  faith  in  the  saying,  "  Learning  is 
better  than  house  and  land ;  ' '  but  I  was  not  quite  convinced 
of  the  full  truth  of  this  old-fashioned  proposition  on  my  mind ;  it 
is  still  open  to  discussion,  and  I  believe  a  fair  share  of  both  would 
be  better"  for  an  individual ;  but  I  am  yet  inclined  to  think  that 
if  I  could  have  but  one  of  these  blessings  I  should  choose  the 
house  and  land,  and  take  my  chances  for  the  other,  or  do  with 
out  it  altogether.  Socially,  I  had  increased  the  number  of 
my  acquaintances ;  with  the  exception  of  a  few  visits  to  the 
neighboring  towns  on  business  I  divided  my  time  with  my 
books,  my  sheep,  and  other  matters  of  agricultural  interest. 
Occasionally  Hon.  Seth  Spring  called  on  me ,  but  somehow  I 


JEFFERSON   S.    £  ATKINS.  377 

had  a  suspicion  that  he  had  other  than  friendly  motives  when 
he  came  to  the  homestead.  He  appeared  to  me  to  be  my 
Brutus,  although,  you  understand,  I  did  not  think  I  was 
exactly  like  Caesar. 

The  "County  Gazette"  gave  notice  of  my  movements. 
My  name  was  suggested  as  a  candidate  for  the  office  of  pres 
ident  of  an  agricultural  society.  On  one  occasion  this  infor 
mation  was  given  :  "  Our  friend,  Mr.  J.  S.  Batkins,  we  under 
stand,  is  studying  law,  with  a  view  to  practice  in  that  arduous 
profession."  The  town  had  procured  a  new  fire-extinguisher, 
and  the  name  given  to  the  machine  was  in  my  honor;  painted 
upon  its  red  sides,  in  gold  letters,  the  people  could  read  "  J. 
S.  Batkins."  The  railroad  corporation  had  proposed  to  honor 
me  in  a  similar  way,  by  fixing  my  name  to  the  next  new  loco 
motive  to  be  put  upon  the  track. 

A  place  had  been  opened  for  the  sale  of  oysters  and  other 
fishy  refreshments,  as  was  stated  upon  the  sign,  though  it  was 
said  ale,  cider,  and  stronger  drinks  could  be  had  privately, 
although  against  the  provisions  of  the  newly  made  liquor  law. 
This  place  was  called  the  "  Batkins  Arcade." 

A  society  of  ladies  had  been  formed  for  some  purpose  of 
moral  reform.  I  was  gratefully  remembered  by  them. 
Perhaps  the  name  of  this  charitable  assemblage  of  ladies  will 
give  some  insight  as  to  the  purposes  of  this  organized  female 
institute:  "Batkins  Association  for  the  Prevention  of  Pau 
perism,  and  Needle-woman's  Refuge."  This  was  painted  on  a 
sign  over  the  door  of  their  rooms.  Although  I  never  at 
tended  a  meeting  of  these  benevolent  ladies  working  under  my 
name.  I  had  been  frequently  invited.  So  far  as  appearances 
could  be  relied  on,  I  was  the  popular  Batkins,  and  was  fre 
quently  told  so  by  my  friends.^ 

During  the  summer  and  early  autumn  a  project  was  started 
for  annexing  a  part  of  Leadenville  and  West  Cranberry  to 
Cranberry  Centre,  and  this  was  to  be  the  great  question  at 


37S  LIFE    OF 

the  fall  elections.  I  set  myself  to  work  to  master  the  sub 
ject.  I  had  expressed  an  opinion,  however,  that  it  would 
end  either  in  Cranberry  Centre  being  annexed  to  Leadenville, 
and  called  Leadenville  or  West  Cranberry,  or  the  joint  ter 
ritory  be  called  Cranberry  only,  annihilating  the  Centre. 

I  was  laying  out  my  work,  and  told  some  of  iny  friends  that 
after  my  next  term  I  should  decline  politics  altogether]  and 
follow  the  governor's  example,  to  promise  <:  to  work  with 
greater  zeal,  in  private  life,  for  the  good  of  the  Common 
wealth  ;  ;'  but  to  tell  the  truth  I  do  not  think  I  meant  all  I 
said.  I  remember  in  the  "  History  of  Rome,"  which  I  was 
still  reading,  how  Caesar  pushed  away  the  crown  three  times, 
that  he  had  been  working  a  long  time  to  get  upon  his  head, 
before  he  accepted  it,  to  hide  his  ambition,  and  got  the  prize 
at  last.  I  do  not  know  that  this  matter  of  history  was  in  the 
governor's  mind  ;  but  as,  doubtless,  he  was  better  acquainted 
with  Roman  history  than  I  was,  it  is  not  unlikely  it  had  some 
effect  upon  him.  I  confess  it  did  on  me. 

Now  and  then  I  had  a  chance  to  show  off  my  education  to 
the  minister  and  Dr.  Slawter.  Hon.  Seth  Spring  was  too 
many  guns  for  me  ;  when  I  tried  to  prove  to  Bean  how  fust  I 
was  becoming  a  learned  man,  he  only  laughed. 

The  more  I  listened  to  Mr.  Birch,  and  talked  with  Seth 
Spring,  the  more  hungry  I  got  for  the  logic  and  the  rhetoric. 
I  used  to  cram  my  head  with  book-learning,  until  I  had  a 
dyspepsia  of  the  brain,  as  Dr.  Slawter  called  it.  He  said  it 
was  not  right  for  children  and  old  people  to  put  too  much  in 
digestible  material  into  the  brain,  any  more  than  it  was  to  fill 
the  stomach  with  all  sorts  of  mixtures,  at  short  notice,  in  large 
quantities.  My  coadjutor  reminds  me  that  he  is  not  assisting 
me  in  a  medical  work,  and  that  my  views  on  dyspepsia  are 
out  of  place ;  therefore  they  subside. 


JEFFERSON  S.   B  ATKINS.  379 


CHAPTER  XLIX. 

ARISTARCHUS    BEAN. 

IN  the  earlier  account  of  Mr.  Bean's  career,  I  may  not  have 
described  him  in  such  manner  that  he  would  be  recognized. 
I  referred  to  his  style  of  dress,  his  elegant  curls,  his  habit, 
when  he  desired  to  make  a  good  impression  upon  lady 
customers,  of  setting  these  head-ornaments  into  lively  action 
by  pushing  his  fingers  through  them  in  his  peculiar  style.  He 
was  then  a  young  man  ;  youthful  vanities  had  been  superseded 
by  a  manner  more  in  accordance  with  the  position  he  now  oc 
cupied,  and  in  keeping  with  advanced  years  and  experience. 
He  was  no  longer  a  slender-waisted  dandy.  The  heat  of  his 
actively  working  brain  had  thinned  his  flowing  locks,  now 
trimmed  close,  with  here  and  there  patches  of  white  hairs,  inci 
dental  to  maturing  years.  His  head  and  face  weje  not  un 
like  an  eagle's,  somewhat  humanized  by  the  growth  of 
a  grizzly  beard,  cut  also  to  a  point  at  the  chin,  his  whole 
facial  expression  embodying  the  peculiar  characteristics  so  often 
exemplified  in  the  portraits  of  ancient  fighting  men.  There 
often  played  about  his  lips  a  sort  of  chained,  self-satisfied 
smile,  which  indicated  firmness  of  purpose  when  any  action 
based  upon  this  quality  required  its  display. 

It  is  not  usual  to  see  an  individual  to  whom  such  an  assem 
blage  of  features  belongs  excited  by  mirthful  provocation.  Yet 
the  dark  and  piercing  eye,  the  heavy  brow,  dilated  nostril, 
stern  and  rigid  lip,  —  so  threatening  when  compressed,  — 
yielded  to  the  impulse  of  the  new  emotion  made  by  wit  or 
humor,  giving  full  effect  to  the  change  in  loud  and  boisterous 


380  l.Ti-K    OP 

laughter,  with  other  extravagant  expressions  of  joy.  A 
combination  of  these  natural  conditions  evoked  sarcasm  and 
invective  at  will,  which,  when  let  loose  in  a  storm  of  words, 
overpowered  and  drove  opponents  to  the  wall,  notwithstanding 
aggressive  or  defensive  efforts  of  antagonists  of  high  intellec 
tual  power. 

Bean  was  a  riddle  to  us  all.  Dr.  Slawter  is  responsible  for" 
these  analytical  paragraphs/  who  also  gave  this  opinion  :  "As 
to  his  parentage,  if  tried  by  physiological  tests,  a  union  of  two 
strong  contrasts  must  have  produced  these  singularly  alter 
nating  characteris'tics."  Was  he  like  father,  or  mother?  Both 
being  to  me  "  unknown  quantities  "  I  shall  leave  the  matter  to 
some  professor  of  algebra  to  cipher  out.  Whatever  his  ori 
gin,  Bean  was  a  power  in  Cranberry  Centre,  and  had  steadily 
risen  to  the  position  he  now  occupied.  He  never  spoke  to  any 
one  of  his  birthplace  or  his  parents. 

He  had  been  heard  to  say  that  in  time  he  would  hold  Cran 
berry  Centre  in  his  hands;  usually^  in  his  projects,  he  was  in 
advance  of  his  time,  and  though  shrewd  men  would  speak  of 
his  plans,  when  first  proposed,  in  derision,  they  were  found  at 
last  engaged  in  seconding  his  views.  Whatever  he  under 
took  succeeded.  He  never  sold  a  foot  of  land  once  in  his  pos 
session.  Whatever  scheme  he  engaged  in  he  still  preserved 
an  interest  sufficient  to  control  the  actions  of  those  who  were 
associated  with  him. 

Bean  &  Co.  was  still  the  firm  name  at  the  store,  where  I 
first  experienced  his  talent  for  financiering.  No  one  knew 
who  were  his  partners.  That  he  should  influence  many  of 
the  business  men  of  the  town,  of  means  and  ability,  in  whose 
concerns  he  had  managed  to  become  more  or  less  connected, 
is  not  strange,  but  that  he  should  be  able  to  control  the  ac 
tions  of  such  men  as  Hon.  Seth  Spring  and  Peter  Feather- 
gilt  could  not  be  explained  by  any  course  of  reasoning  open 
to  ordinary  sagacity  and  intelligence.  He  obtained  a  reputa- 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  381 

tion  for  eccentricity  in  his  movements  and  the  selection  of 
agencies,  as  in  my  case.  It  was  noticeable  that  some  persons 
who  had  suffered  by  his  sharp  practices  were  employed  by  him 
in  other  services  which  were  usually  made  by  Bean  as  profit 
able  to  his  agents  as  to  himself.  He  was  liberal  in  gifts  of 
money  for  benevolent  purposes,  yet  economical  in  his  personal 
expenditures  ;  an  unostentatious  bachelor,  living  in  a  simple, 
and  as  far  as  was  known,  proper  manner,  with  the  exception 
of  some  gossip  as  to  the  sea-captain's  wife. 

After  my  return  from  Boston  I  learned  that  the  means  used 
to  make  my  name  popular  for  the  next  election,  by  its  use  on  the 
fire-extinguisher,  the  arcade,  and  similar  pjaces,  were  all  ar 
ranged  by  Mr.  Bean.  The  broad  avenue  leading  to  the  large 
woollen  mill,  called  the  Angola  Woollen  Works,  erected  by 
Bean  &  Co.,  was  called  "  Batkins  Avenue,"  in  honor  of  me. 
We  frequently  had  conversations  upon  the  approaching  politi 
cal  canvass.  I  had  expressed  some  fears  of  a  combination 
against  me,  which  he  laughed  at,  saying,  "Leave  your  case 
to  me.  I  shall  say  who  shall  be  elected :  and  who  I  say,  will 
be  elected.  Put  yourself  in  my  hands,  or  rather  leave  yourself 
there,  for  you  are  in  my  hands  already.  Do  as  I  tell  you, 
Batkins.  Bean  and  Batkins  are  a  match  for  Cranberry  Cen 
tre."  As  I  thought  I  knew  him  so  well  I  felt  secure  on  pol 
itics.  When  we  parted  at  one  of  these  interviews,  he  said, 
"  Batkins,  I  shall  come  to  the  homestead  on  Friday  evening, 
and  by  ourselves  we  will  talk  the  matter  over." 

Friday  evening  came.  At  the  appointed  time  Bean  came 
also.  He  looked  about  him  as  he  entered  my  "study,"  as 
the  room  was  now  called,  even  by  Aunt  Dolly,  who,  having 
been  enlivened  by  my  success  and  popularity,  was  influenced 
by  her  molecular  changes,  and  was  as  pleased  with  my  politi 
cal  success  as  my  father  or  any  other  of  my  friends  and  well- 
wishers.  She  expressed  her  opinion  now  on  all  occasions  that 


LIFE    OF 

she  "  always  thought  Jefferson  would  come  out  right  in  the 
end." 

After  Bean  had  satisfied  himself  with  a  general  survey  of 
my  collection  of  books,  maps,  images,  pictures,  and  a  terres 
trial  globe  I  had  bought  of  Mr.  Birch,  for  two  turkeys,  he 
threw  his  hat  upon  the  table,  seated  himself  in  my  grand 
father's  arm-chair,  which  adorned  my  study,  and  was  fre 
quently  an  object  of  admiration  to  visitors,  in  consequence 
of  its  somewhat  antique  style.  It  was  leather-covered,  and 
decorated  with  large  brass  nails.  I  had  often  speculated 
upon  the  number  and  quality  of  the  persons  of  both  sexes 
who  had  been  seated  in  that  old  arm-chair,  either  in  the  way 
of  ordinary  use,  or  out  of  curiosity  to  know  how  it  felt.  It 
was,  indeed,  a  comfortable  chair ;  I  am  not  to  mention  any 
other  person's  experience  than  my  own.  Bean's  opinion  coin 
cided  with  mine,  for,  as  he  stretched  himself  out,  with  a  hand 
on  each  arm,  he  said,  "  Batkins,  this  chair  is  fit  for  a  king  to  sit 
in,  —  a  royal  seat.  A  sovereign  is  in  it  now,  '  every  inch  a 
king.'  " 

For  the  sake  of  the  joke,  as  I  supposed,  I  said,  "  Yes,  or  a 
queen  either,  and  every  inch  a  queen." 

"  Queen  ?  "  said  Bean.  "  What  do  you  know  about  a  queen's 
inches  or  necessities?  Kings  and  queens  are  humbugs,  Bat- 
kins  ;  so  we  independent  sovereigns  ought  to  think  and,  so 
thinking,  speak.  Never  mind  the  kings  and  queens ;  let 
us  talk  business,  Batkins.  What  are  your  views  on  annexa 
tion  ?" 

"  Well,  Mr.  Bean,  I  have  not  exactly  made  up  my  mind  as 
to  that  subject.  There  are  two  sides  to  it." 

"Yes,  there  generally  are  just  two  sides  to  everything, 
when  there  are  riot  more  than  two.  Batkins,  are  you  a  Whig 
or  a  Democrat?  " 

"  Mr.  Bean,  I  don't  know  as  we  need  talk  about  that."     . 


JEFFERSON   S.    E ATKINS.  383 

"Why  not?  You  intend  to  run  as  representative  for 
Cranberry  Centre  this  fall,  don't  you?" 

"  Yes,  but  I  calculate,  you  know,  to  be  nominated  by  the 
'  Honest  Men's  and  Independent  party." 

"  Moonshine,  Batkins  !  that  party  died  with  you.  I  made 
that  party ;  it  has  gone  up.  In  this  election  only  two  parties 
will  run  candidates,  Whig  and  Democrat.  Annexation  will 
be  the  local  issue;  which  side  do  you  take?  " 

I  remember  how  carefully  I  put  this  question:  "  Bean, 
which  side  do  you  think  will  win?  " 

"That  will  depend  somewhat  on  the  candidates.  With 
a  good  man,  I  think  the  Whig  ticket  will  win  ;  but  it  will  be 
the  last  time  in  Cranberry  Centre,  if  it  does." 

"  Well,  had  I  better  go  on  the  Whig  ticket?" 

"  You  can't  get  there,  Batkins.  Seth  Spring  is  booked  for 
that." 

"Well,  then,  I  must  go  on  the  Democratic  ticket." 

"You  can't  do  that." 

"Then  what  shall   I  do?" 

"  Stay  at  home,  Batkins.  I  have  done  all  I  could  for  you. 
In  politics  you've  been  a  noodle,  Batkins.  Your  popularity 
is  all  gone." 

"  All  gone,  Mr.  Bean?  "  said  I,  astonished.  "  Then  what's 
the  use  of  my  name  on  the  town  fire-squirter  and  other  places  ?  " 

"  Capital,  to  retire  on.  Keep  your  name  before  the  people. 
You  killed  yourself  by  not  making  a  speech  in  the  Legislature, 
and,  as  if  that  was  not  enough,  you  buried  yourself,  by  your 
reply  to  Seth  Spring  on  the  day  of  your  reception,  fifty 
fathoms  deep." 

"  '  The  County  Gazette  '  praised  my  speech,  Mr.  Bean." 

"  I  told  them  to  do  so.     Seth  was  too -much  for  you,  in  his 
reception  speech." 
.  "You  selected  him  to  make  it." 

u  Of  course  I  did.     I  knew  he  could  smash  you  in  a  better 


LIFE    OF 


style  than  any  other  man  in  town,  Batkins,  without  your  see 


ing  it." 


"Mr.  Bean,  what  does  all  this  mean?"  I  looked  at  him 
with  an  assumption  of  dignity,  mixed  indignation  and  sur 
prise.  "  I  thought  you  were  my  friend." 

11  So  I  was;  so  I  am.  I  made  you  ;  I  will  do  it  again,  if 
you  trust  to  me.  Political  manoeuvring  is  an  art,  a  science,  a 
trade.  You  know  the  story  of  the  pig's  peculiarities.  According 
to  Irish  authority,  when  you  desire  he  shall  go  in  any  particular 
direction,  you  must  make  him  think  your  desires  are  in  the 
opposite  way.  I  don't  compare  you  to  a  pig ;  you  are  not 
obstinate  at  all ;  you  will  go,  not  where  I  drive  you,  but  where 
I  lead  you.  Batkins,  before  you  can  run  again  for  Cranberry 
Centre,  you  must  get  married.  Legislators  should  be  moral 
men.  Bachelors  will  be  suspected.  The  representative  from 
Cranberry  Centre  must  be  like  what  you  have  read  in  your 
"  History  of  Rome  "  about  Caesar's  wife,  —  "  above  suspicion." 

u  But,  Mr.  Bean,  —  I  acknowledge  you  know  more  of  poli 
tics  than  I  do.  —  has  it  not  been  always  considered  something 
like  a  stain  on  the  character  of  a  man  to  be  only  a  yearling, 
as  they  call  it?  and  that  will  be  my  case,  if  I  do  not  go  to 
the  State  House  next  year." 

"  Not  in  your  case.  Your  party  is  dead.  It  cannot  give 
you  a  nomination,  and  if  it  did  it  could  not  elect  you  ;  they 
are  bound  to  kill  you  off,  Batkins,  both  parties  ;  and  they  will 
do  it,  because  it  is  my  interest  that  it  should  be  done.  I  con 
trol  both  parties'  nominations,  Batkins.  I  am  Cranberry  Cen 
tre  in  this  election." 

"Well,  Mr.  Bean,"  I  began  to  expostulate.  He  put  nis 
hand  over  my  mouth. 

"I  know  what  you  mean.  You  shall  be  let  down  easily. 
You  shall  have  a  nomination  from  both  parties,  and  then  you 
shall  decline.  I  will  secure  that,  and  that  is  much  better 
than  to  be  defeated." 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  385 

"This  course  will  not  prevent  me  from  accepting  a  nom 
ination  at  some  future  time,  will  it?  "• 

"Certainly  not.  Nothing  prevents  anybody  from  doing 
whatever  they  please  in  politics,  if  they  have  the  means.  Fol 
low  my  advice,  Batkins ;  keep  cool.  You  shall  go  to  the  Sen 
ate,  you  shall  go  to  Congress,  and  you  may  yet  be  President 
of  the  United  States." 

"  No,  Mr.  Bean,  that  would  be  impossible." 

"Nothing  impossible  in  a  free  country.  How  many  years 
is  it,  Batkins,  since  I  swindled  you  out  of  a  part  of  your  stock 
in  the  store,  dissolved  the  firm,  and  became  sole  proprietor? 
That  was  my  first  financial  operation." 

"Mr.  Bean,  you  could  not  have  done  as  you  did  then  but 
for  an  accident  that  involved  an  injury  to  my  moral  character. 
I  was  afraid  of  you  then.  I  was  under  your  thumb,  as  the 
saying  is." 

"Were  you?" 

"Yes." 

"Oh,  I  see.  You  mean  the  sea-captain's  wife,  Matilda; 
the  wagon  accident,  Batkins;  that  was  a  success.  I  have 
held  you  by  that  ever  since ;  but  you  did  a  good  thing  for  me. 
That  store  was  the  stepping-stone  to  my  fortune.  I  have  done 
good  things  for  you,  and  I  am  going  to  do  more,  only  I  must 
work  in  my  own  way.  I  have  Cranberry  Centre  under  my  thumb 
also.  I  am  king  of  Cranberry  Centre.  Seth  Spring,  the  aris 
tocrat,  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring,  moves  when  I  pull  the  wires.  The 
wealthy  old  Feathergilt  will  do  the  same,  with  your  assist 
ance,  Batkins ;  and  what  would  give  me  control  of  this  town 
would  give  me  control  of  the  State,  of  all  the  States  politically , 
arid  make  you  president,  Batkins." 

I  supposed  him  to  be  joking, — a  faculty  he  indulged  in 
often :  yet  still  I  asked  him  how  it  was  to  be  done.  I  give 
his  reply  according  to  my  recollection,  as  I  have  in  similar 
cases,  as  regards  people's  sayings  :  — 

25 


38 6  LIFE    OF 

"  Batkins,  I  have  no  doubt,  in  clearing  up  land,  you  have 
found  rocks  that  your  two  yoke  of  cattle  did  not  or  could  not 
move." 

I  replied  that  such  had  been  my  experience,  and  I  could 
show  him  the  land.  He  said  that  was  unnecessary,  and  asked 
me  what  I  did  then.  I  told  him  I  took  more  cattle  and  put 
on. 

"Yes,"  said  he,  interrupting,  "and  then  the  rock  moved." 

I  assented. 

"  That  is  all  you  have  to  do  in  any  case  of  power  applied  to 
obstacles.  Use  the  multiplication  table.  As  the  power  of 
resistance  increases,  so  increase  the  moving  power.  This,  car 
ried  out,  is  clear  ;  the  only  difference  is  between  Cranberry  Cen 
tre  and  the  United  States.  Money,  Batkins,  money  and  brains. 
I  have  the  money,  and  I  can  buy  the  brains,  either  with 
money  or  its  equivalent,  of  enough  politicians  to  do  the  job." 

"  Mr.  Bean,  you  will  excuse  me  if  I  differ  from  you.  It  is 
a  majority  of  the  people  who  rule,  and  they  cannot  be  bought." 

"Nonsense,  Batkins!  Some  people  can  be  bought  just  as 
well  as  the  politicians,  only  the  trade  has  to  be  made  in  a  dif 
ferent  way.  A  drove  of  cattle  start  for  market,  Batkins ;  they 
are  a  majority,  and  ought  to  rule.  How  do  the  parties  stand  ? 
Perhaps  thus,  —  I  have  seen  it  so :  fifty  cattle  are  driven  to 
market,  a  majority,  by  a  man,  a  boy,  a  dog,  a  horse,  — that's 
a  minority.  At  the  end  of  the  journey  the  cattle  are  at  the 
butcher's.  The  man  has  their  value  in  money,  the  boy  a  new 
pair  of  boots,  the  horse  his  oats,  the  dog,  perhaps,  a  new  col 
lar,  and  an  extra  bone ;  do  you  see  it  ?  " 

"  Not  exactly." 

"The  cattle  represents  the  people,  a  majority  ;  the  other 
party,  the  politicians,  is  a  minority.  That's  the  way  it  is, 
Batkins.  Do  you  see  it  now  ?  " 

I  told  Bean  I  thought  he  was  exaggerating,  using  what  Mr. 
Birch  taught  me  were  rhetorical  figures  on  a  large  scale. 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  387 

"All  true,  Batkins  ;  the  largest  number  of  the  people, 
after  a  life  of  toil,  when  their  last  day  comes,  have  not  enough 
left  of  money  to  bury  their  bodies.  The  worn-out  ox  is  worth 
something,  —  his  hide,  his  hoofs,  his  horns,  his  bones,  and  other 
parts  that  may  be  sent  to  market  or  turned  to  a  profit  in  some 
other  way.  Money,  Batkins,  is  power,  and  the  only  power 
that  can  give  a  minority  the  power  to  rule.  Money  is  king ; 
money  is  emperor ;  money  is  president.'' 

'•  Mr.  Bean,  honesty  —  " 

"  Honesty  —  bosh  !  —  I  say  it  to  you,  Batkins,  I  took,  that 
is,  I  stole  your  money  at  the  start,  in  a  scientific,  financial  way. 
I  put  a  small  commission  of  that  stolen  money  in  the  contribu 
tion  box  for  a  thanksgiving  dinner  for  the  poor.  Do  you  think 
the  man  who  furnished  the  plums  for  the  pudding  of  the  poor, 
discovered  anything  wrong  in  the  money,  provided  the  deacon 
did  not  subtract  enough  to  pay  for  his  own  turkey,  on 
the  ground  that  upon  his  own  estimate  of  his  pecuniary  re 
sources  and  outgoes  necessary  to  sustain  his  official  position, 
he  was  as  poor,  comparatively,  as  any  one  at  the  poor-farm,  or 
elsewhere,  of  pauper  indications?'' 

Bean  rose,  and  put  on  his  hat.  "  Now,  Batkins,  as  a  friend 
I  have  spoken  freely.  You  know  the  programme.  Spring 
will  be  elected ;  next  year  after  he  will  go  to  Congress.  You 
keep  studying  books.  I  have  employment  for  you  in-  a  more 
pleasant  way  than  politics.  Batkins,  you  must  get  married ; 
you  are  old  enough,  and  I  have  a  wife  selected  for  you." 

As  we  walked  downstairs  together,  I  asked  him  who  the 
lady  might  be.  He  said,  "Miss  Amanda  Feathergilt." 


LIFE   OF 


CHAPTER  L. 

FEMALE    STRATEGY. 

MR.  BEAN'S  programme  had  been  carried  out;  the  elec 
tion  was  a  thing  of  the  past.  Hon.  Seth  Spring  was  elected  by 
a  handsome  majority,  as  was  recorded  in  the  "  County  Gazette." 
My  letters  of  declination  of  the  nomination  of  both  parties  for 
a  second  year  to  the  State  House  were  also  published  in  the 
"  County  Gazette."  Many  persons  professed  to  be  indignant 
at  my  course,  and  were  determined  to  run  an  independent 
ticket  with  my  name  upon  it,  —  to  which  course  Mr.  Bean 
made  no  objections,  as  he  could  thereby  ascertain  how  many 
independent  voters  it  would  be  necessary  for  him  to  buy,  or  have 
their  employers  send  out  of  town  on  some  important  business, 
on  election  day.  The  result  was  in  accordance  with  his  views. 
I  was  honored  with  a  place  among  the  scattering,  having  six 
votes,  which  determined  the  strength  of  the  independent  ticket, 
and  my  personal  friends,  who  were  not  trammelled  by  party 
discipline,  or  proof  against  Bean's  attacks  upon  the  rights  of 
free  suffrage  in  various  forms. 

Whether  it  was  the  excitement  growing  out  of  my  declining 
the  nomination,  my  father's  occasional  indulgence  in  extra 
amounts  of  old  "Medford,"  to  show  his  contempt  for  the  pro 
hibitory  law,  or  the  natural  infirmities  of  age,  I  do  not  know ; 
but  Aunt  Dolly  was  visited  with  some  severe  ailment  which 
required  the  attendance  of  Dr.  Slawter,  frequently,  for  a  few 
days,  a  professional  nurse,  and  a  reasonable  amount  of  physic, 
of  a  considerably  active  kind,  as  I  was  informed.  Aunt  Dolly 
was  willing  to  receive  the  visits  of  the  minister,  which  my 
father  thought  was  pretty  good  evidence  that  she  thought  at 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  389 

last  her  time  to  go  had  come.  As  my  father  had  been  a 
coroner  and  a  justice  of  the  peace,  he  should  have  understood 
the  value  of  evidence  ;  but  either  the  "  Medford  "  had  un 
settled  his  powers  of  judgment,  or  he  did  not  get 'all  the 
facts  in  the  case,  I  do  not  know  which,  for  his  mistake  was 
apparent  in  Aunt  Dolly's  comparatively  speedy  recovery, 
confessing  that  she  never  felt  better  in  her  life,  and  hoped 
she  should  live  to  see  Jefferson  put  down  all  his  enemies. 

I  had  something  to  relate  as  to  what  occurred  in  Aunt 
Dolly's  chamber ;  but  as  it  was  mixed  up  with  some  things 
that  had  happened,  and  some  that  had  not,  I  am  in  some  doubt, 
at  this  moment,  where  would  be  its  proper  place  in  this  nar 
rative.  I  have  decided  to  omit  it  for  the  present,  and  will 
narrate  some  other  matters  of  contemporaneous  history  con 
nected  with  my  own  affairs. 

Simms'  Folly,  now  called  Swansdown  Terrace,  was  the  res 
idence  of  the  Feathergilt  family.  Mrs.  Feathergilt  was  suf 
fering  from  some  difficulty  which  prevented  her  from  being  seen 
in  public.  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  had  gone  to  Europe.  A 
new  house-keeper  had  been  installed.  Miss  Amanda  had  made 
frequent  visits  to  the  homestead  during  Aunt  Dolly's  illness, 
bringing  to  her  nosegays  of  beautiful  flowers,  arid  fruits  from 
the  conservatories  and  hot-houses  of  her  father's  splendid 
establishment. 

Miss  Feathergilt  and  myself  were  on  friendly  terms; 
we  occasionally  met  in  the  streets,  and  at  the  houses  of 
mutual  friends.  She  had  never  renewed  the  suggestive 
proposition,  made  to  me  incidentally  at  Mrs.  Hambleton 
Squiek's  party,  as  to  matrimonial  matters.  I  had  never 
started  any  subject  in  conversation  with  her  which  might 
naturally  lead  to  such  conclusion.  I  had  intended  some  time 
to  feel  a  little  into  Aunt  Dolly's  present  views ;  but  some 
thing  always  interfered,  and  this  event  of  her  sickness  post 
poned  the  .subject  indefinitely. 


390  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  LI. 

"A  SCENE." 

AFTER  a  very  slight  explanation  I  shall  yield  to  my 
friendly  assistant,  who  says  that  some  of  the  series  of  inci 
dents  involved  in  a  visit  to  Swansdown  Terrace  will  be  bet 
ter  developed  in  dramatic  form  than  in  narrative.  Accord 
ing  to  the  best  of  my  memory,  with  what  documentary  evidence 
was  at  hand,  or  that  has  been  placed  at  my  disposal,  it  will 
be  found  as  near  the  truth  as  possible  after  the  lapse  of  so  many 
years. 

I  will  state  here  that  upon  a  verbal  message  from  Miss 
Feathergilt,  brought  to  me  by  Mr.  Bean,  I  was  invited  to 
spend  an  evening  at  Swansdown  Terrace  on  this  occasion, 
with  a  hint  from  that  gentleman  as  to  my  slow  movements,  in  the 
following  words  :  "  Batkins,  don't  fail  to  secure  Miss  Feather- 
gilt's  acceptance  of  your  proposal  to  marry  her,  which  you 
will  make,  and  have  the  day  named,  or  the  sea-captain's  wife 
will  make  you  a  visit  at  the  homestead  that  may  not  be  agree 
able  to  you.  It  is  my  wish  that  you  should  marry  Miss 
Feathergilt ;  it  is  for  your  interest.  Before  your  interview  is 
finished  I  will  call  at  Swansdown  Terrace,  —  having  business 
with  the  father  of  the  lady,  who,  I  trust,  is  hereafter  to  bear 
your  name."  I  accepted  the  invitation.  Bean  was  satisfied 
with  this  explanation. 

If  the  reader  will  imagine  himself  looking  into  one  of  the 
windows  opening  upon  the  garden  in  the  rear  part  of  Swans- 
down  Terrace,  he  will  perceive  an  elegantly  furnished  apart 
ment;  a  cheerful  fire  burning  in  an  old-fashioned  grate, 


JEFFERSON  S.  Ii ATKINS.  391 

screens  and  furniture  proper  to  its  control  and  management, 
of  highly  polished  steel,  not  inferior  to  any  modern  style  of 
fireplace  decorations. 

Candelebra,  filled  with  wax  candles,  lighting  the  splendid 
draperies  which  conceal  the  doors  and  windows  from  ordinary 
view.  Elegant  tables,  chairs,  couches,  divans,  cabinets,  and 
bronzes,  adorn  this  apartment.  Mirrors  of  large  size,  reflect 
ing  in  sections  of  the  apartment,  give  the  appearance  of  an 
extensive  suite  of  rooms,  opening  into  one  grand  saloon. 
Upon  a  table  of  exquisite  workmanship  are  books  and  objects 
of  art,  of  unique  character  and  intrinsic  value,  composed  of 
gold  or  silver,  with  precious  stones.  "  Robinson  Crusoe," 
"  Charlotte  Temple  "  and  "  Eliza  Wharton,"  are  filled  with 
different  colored  ribbons  used  to  mark  selected  pages  for  easy 
reference.  Miss  Amanda  Feather  gilt  is  standing  with  one  foot 
upon  the  polished  steel  fender  before  the  fire,  in  a  superb  cos 
tume  for  evening  dress.  Jewels  sparkle  in  her  ears,  her  hair, 
and  about  her  neck. 

Amanda  (after  a  glance  at  a  mirror  with  a  look  of  impor 
tance).  "  Why  don't  he  come?  " 

(At  this  moment  the  draperies  part;  through  the-  doors 
which  they  concealed,  Mr.  Featliergilt  enters.) 

Mr.  Featliergilt.  Amanda,  my  dear  girl,  you  do  look 
charming.  I  am  sure  he  cannot  decline  the  honor  we  intend 
him,  sustained  as  it  will  be  by  so  much  wealth. 

Amanda.  Father,  I  should  think  not;  do  you  like  Mrs. 
Kinderdeck,  our  new  house-keeper  ? 

Mr.  Featliergilt.  She  came  well  recommended.  Mr.  Bean 
knows  all  about  her.  I  think  everything  is  right;  how 
ever.  Amanda,  this  affair  must  be  settled.  I  am  getting  old. 
Your  mother  is  infirm,  and  you  ought  to  be  married,  and  be 
protected  by  some  one  who  will  have  a  legal  right  to  be  in  the 
position  to  do  so. 


'392  LIFE    OF 

(A  servant  enters,  who  announces  Mr.  Batkins.) 

Mr.  Feather  gilt.    All  right. 

Amanda.  Show  him  into  the  reception-room,  Jane,  and 
when  you  hear  my  bell  let  him  come  in. 

Mr.  Feathergilt.  That  is  right.  I  have  some  business  with 
Mr.  Bean  ;  that  done,  Mr.  Batkins  and  myself  will  decide 
upon  your  wedding  ceremonies. 

(Mr.  Feathergilt  and*  Jane  go  off  through  the  draperies. 
Amanda  stands  at  the  table  in  a  picturesque  attitude,  taking 
from  the  table  "  Robinson  Crusoe,"  which  she  appears  to  be 
reading.  She  then  touches  a  bell.  Through  the  draperies 
Mr.  Batkins  enters,  Jane  leading  the  way.  She  retires  at  a 
signal  from  Miss  Feathergilt.) 

Miss  Feathergilt.    Good-evening,  sir.     Be  seated.     . 

Mr.  Batkins  (after  looking  about  with  some  surprise). 
Good-evening,  Miss  Feathergilt.  Well,  I  declare  you  are 
dressed  up  better  than  ever  I  saw  you  before.  Mrs.  Ham- 
bleton  Squiek  or  Mrs.  Swamscott  could  not  hold  a  candle  to 
you  now.  What  book  is  that  you  are  reading  ? 

Miss  Feathergilt.  My  favorite  "Robinson  Crusoe."  (She 
hands  it  to  him.) 

Batkins.  So  it  is,  and  there  is  a  picture  of  "  Man  Friday." 
How  I  used  to  read  that  book  ! 

Miss  Feathergilt.  I  know  you  did.  and  you  asked  me  once, 
Mr.  Batkins,  if  I  should  not  like  to  be  your  "  Man  Friday." 

Batkins.  Oh,  no.  You  said  you  should  like  to  be  my 
li  Man  Friday,"  if  we  were  on  a  Desolate  island. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  Did  I?  Well,  if  I  did,  I  have  not 
changed  my  mind. 

Batkins.  Miss  Feathergilt,  I  did  not  come  here  this  even 
ing  to  talk  about  "Robinson  Crusoe."  Since  I  have  been  a 
public  man,  my  reading  is  of  another  kind;  but  I  am  now 
in  the  condition  that  I  thought  I  might  be  some  day,  that 
is.  I  intend  to  be  married,  and  if  you  think  you  can  overcome 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  o>3 

Aunt  Dolly's  objections  to  you,  I  am  willing  to  accept  your 
proposal. 

Miss  Feather  gilt.  My  proposal,  Mr.  Batkins !  What  is 
that? 

Batkins.  You  said,  at  Mrs.  Squiek's  party,  this:  "Mr. 
Batkins,  if  you  have  no  preference  for  any  .lady,  and  you 
should  think  of  getting  married,  you  can  have  me  one  of  these 
days."  The  time  has  come  for  me.  The  question  now  is, 
has  "one  of  these  days  "  come  for  you? 

Miss  Feathergilt.  Did  I  say  so,  Mr.  Batkins  ?  Well  — 
j 

Bafkins.  That  is  what  you  said ;  I  put  it  down  in  my  book 
that  night. 

Miss  Feathergilt.    If  —  I  did  say  so. 

Batldns.  You  did,  Miss  Feathergilt.  I  have  done  some 
thing  I  was  afraid  to  do  before  now.  I  want  to  ask  you  when 
I  shall  marry  you. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  I  am  ready  any  time.  Father  said,  if 
we  agreed  as  to  the  engagement,  he  and.  Mr.  Bean  would  ar 
range,  the  time. 

Batkins.  Mr.  Bean !  Oh,  well,  if  you  are  willing,  I  am. 
I  suppose  that  is  all  there  is  to  do  for  the  present.  We  don't 
need  any  writing,  do  we,  between  us  ? 

Miss  Feathergilt.  No;  we  don't  need  any  writing;  but 
don't  we  want  to  do  something,  that  our  friends  may  know  of 
our  engagement  ? 

Batkins.  Well,  no,  Miss  Feathergilt.  I  thought  we  would 
not  want  anybody  to  know  anything  about  it  until  we  were 
almost  ready  to  get  married. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  Just  as  you  please,  Mr.  Batkins. 
What  shall  you  call  me  after  we  are  married  ? 

Batkins.   Call  you  ?  —  my  wife,  Mrs.  Batkins. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  Yes,  of  course,  before  folks ;  but  when 
we  are  alone  ? 


o9i  LIFE    OF 

Batkins.  Just  the  same.  What  do  you  want  me  to  call 
you  ? 

Miss  Featliergilt.  I  want  you  to  call  me  Amanda ;  and 
begin  now. 

Batkins.  Well,  there  is  no  harm  in  that,  Amanda. 

Miss  Featliergilt.   Not  in  the  least,  Jefferson. 

Batkins.  Jefferson  ?  Well,  I  don't  know.  That  does  for 
father  and  Aunt  Dolly  to  call  me ;  but  is  not  that  a  little  too 
much  like  boys  and  girls  for  us,  —  Jefferson  and  Amanda  ? 
By  the  way.  Amanda,  this  engagement  depends,  after  all, 
upon  Aunt  Dolly's  agreeing  to  it ;  for  you  know  I  told  you 
that  that  was  part  of  the  bargain. 

Miss  Feather  gilt.  I  will  take  care  of  Aunt  Dolly's  con 
sent.  There's  my  hand,  Jefferson,  to  seal  the  bargain. 

Batkins  (takes  her  hand).  Amanda,  how  do  we  seal  the 
bargain,  —  shake  hands  on  it,  as  we  do  sometimes  on  a 
horse-trade,  or  when  we  make  a  bet? 

Miss  Featliergilt.  Don't  you  know  by  instinct  ? 

Batkins.  Instinct,  it  is  only  animals  that  know  things  by 
instinct.  Dr.  Slawter  says  reason  is  man's  gift  to  control  his 
instinct. 

Miss  Featliergilt.  Jefferson,  what  does  your  reason  say  ? 
Did  you  never  hear  about  the  delights  of  courtship  ? 

Batkins.  Yes,  I  have  heard  them  say  it  was  better  than 
getting  married  ;  but  we  are  not  courting,  are  we  ?  I  never 
s$vr  any  courting. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  You  ought  to  know,  Jefferson.  Don't 
you  remember  the  play  of  the  "  Silver  Spoon  "  ? 

Batkins.  Yes;  when  that  other  Batkins,  they  called  me, 
was  trying  to  court  the  house-keeper  he  did  do  something. 
I  laughed  at  that  fellow.  But  that  was  Mr.  Warren,  you 
know,  not  me  ;  that .  house-keeper  was  a  cunning  woman  too. 
She  asked  Mr.  Warren  to  hold  the  yarn  for  her,  and  it  got 
into  kinks,  and  she  put  her  head  so  close  to  him  while  she 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  395 

was  clearing  out  the  kinks,  that  I  rather  thought  then  if  she 
did  not  look  out  that  fellow  would  kiss  her. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  And  he  did,  I  believe,  Mr.  Batkins  — 
Jeiferson. 

Hatkins.  Yes,  he  did.  If  you  ever  saw  the  play  you  know 
he  did. 

Miss  Feathergilt.  Yes,  he  did,  Mr.  Batkins ;  would  you 
hold  some  yarn  for  me  ? 

Itatkins.  Yes ;  but  I  am  not  sure,  Amanda,  I  should  dare 
to  do  what  he  did.  I  will  try  on  your  hand  first,  to  bind  the 
bargain. 

(Batkins  kisses  her  hand,  takes  both  her  hands,  is  about  to 
embrace  her  when  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  the  house-keeper,  enters 
from  a  concealed  door.) 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Good-evening,  Mr.  Batkins. 

Hatkins.  The  sea-captain's  wife  ! 

This  is  about  as  I  gave  the  idea  to  my  coadjutor.  I  am 
not  sure  that  it  is  not  an  improvement  upon  the  way  I  told 
the  story  to  him. 


396  LJFK    OF 


CHAPTER  LIL 

ANOTHER   SCENE. 

IN  another  apartment  in  Swansdown  Terrace,  the  following 
scene  was  being  enacted,  while  Miss  Feathergilt  and  myself 
were  arranging  our  matrimonial  affairs ;  its  connection 
with  my  personal  history  will  be  discovered  when  the  reader, 
you  understand,  is  better  acquainted  with  it.  This  being  in 
the  dramatic  form  also,  I  claim  no  merit,  either  for  the  method 
of  its  introduction,  or  for  its  literary  quality;  in  this 
form  of  story- telling  you  are  supposed  to  see  the  people  and 
the  place,  whether  in  a  wood  or  a  parlor,  —  as  in  the  Museum 
theatre,  or  any  other  place  where  plays  are  acted.  No  descrip 
tion  further  will  be  given,  except  to  say  that  this  scene  is  in  a 
drawing-room,  near  the  house-keeper's  apartments.  Aristar- 
chus  Bean  and  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  are  seated  at  a  table ;  mate 
rials  for  writing  are  upon  it. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  (speaking  in  a*  subdued  tone)..  That  is 
the  whole  of  it;  and  now,  Aristarchus  Bean,  you  must  marry 
me,  and  quickly  too.  Do  you  hear  me  ?  You  must  marry 
me. 

Bean.    I  am  a  magistrate.     I  can  marry  you  ;  to  whom  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  You  must  marry  me  yourself.  I  must 
hereafter  be  known  as  Mrs.  Bean,  with  all  the  perquisites  of 
such  a  place. 

Bean.  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  did  I  ever  promise  or  propose  to 
you  any  such  thing  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.    Perhaps  not,  in  so  many  words.      You 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  397 

said  if  anything  happened  you  would  satisfy  me.  Something 
is  going  to  happen,  and  you  can  satisfy  me  in  that  way,  and 
no  other. 

Bean.    What  has  happened  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Miss  Feathergilt  has  given  me  notice 
that  my  services  will  no  longer  be  required  as  house-keeper ; 
that  she  is  going  to  be  married,  and  I  know  who  she  expects 
to  marry. 

Bean.  Indeed  !  (Bean  plays  with  the  pen  upon  the  table.) 
Who  is  the  happy  man,  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdecty.    You. 

Bean.  Me?  I  never  dreamed  of  such  a  thing, —  not  in 
accordance  with  my  plans  at  all. 

Mrs.  'Kinderdeck.    I'll  "spoil  your  plans. 

Bean.  Spoil  my  plans  ?  Nonsense  !  that  would  spoil  yours, 
if  you  have  any ;  all  women  do  have.  I  am  not  going  to 
marry  Miss  Feathergilt,  though  I  think  I  know  who  will, 
Matilda.  You  have  assisted  me.  If  I  cannot  keep  you  in 
this  house  after  Miss  Featbergilt  is  married  I  will 'do  something 
for  you,  as  when  my  plans  are  all  accomplished  I  may  have  a 
desire  for  foreign  travel.  In  money  what  will  satisfy  you  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.    Fifty  thousand  dollars  ;  give  it  to  me. 

Bean.    Fifty  thousand  dollars  !   why  should  I  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  That  is  the  sum  I  think  you  are  worth 
to  me ;  that's  my  price.  You  told  me  that  everybody  had  a 
price,  —  that  is  mine. 

Bean.    Too  much  ;  too  many  dollars,  Matilda. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Then  I  will  expose  you.  Marry  me,  or 
give  me  fifty  thousand  dollars,  or  I'll  expose  you. 

Bean.  Expose  me  ?  Eh,  well,  Matilda,  I  will  promise  to 
marry  you. 

Mrs  Kinderdeck.  Give  it  to  me  in  black  and  white,  in 
writing,  a  regular  document,  one  that  will  stand  in  law ;  and 


398  LIFE    OP 

then,  if  you  do  marry  Miss  Feathergilt,  I  shall  know  what  to 
do. 

Bean.  When  I  go  home  I  will  write  you  a  letter  of  prom 
ise. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  the  case  of  Bar 
bara  Slokum. 

Bean.    No.      (Bean  still  plays  with  the  pen.) 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  I  did.  A  good-for-nothing  fellow,  a 
lawyer  too.  He  wrote  in  a  letter  he  would  marry  her  some 
day,  and  went  off  and  married  another  woman,  —  an  old  wom 
an,  for  her  money ;  just  as  you  might  do..  When  she  brought 
the  case  into  court,  it  would  not  stand  in  law  ;  I  don't  know 
why.  Now,  I  want  something  that  will  stand  in  law  ;  and 
you  know  what  I  want. 

Bean.  Yes, — either  me,  or  fifty  thousand  dollars;  you 
don't  care  which. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Well,  yes,  I  do.  I  would  rather  have 
you,  for  I  like  you,  Bean,  and  if  I  am  your  wife  you  will 
support  me  in  good  style  ;  and  if  I  am  your  widow  I  think 
you  will  leave  me  more  than  fifty  thousand  dollars.  I  should 
do  better  by  marrying  you, 

Bean  (playing  with  the  pen).  How  long  will  you  leave 
the  alternative  action  at  my  disposal  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  I  don't  know  what  you  mean,  Bean,  by 
that ;  speak  plain  English. 

Bean.  How  long  will  you  give  me  to  decide  between  your 
two  very  business-like  propositions  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.    Three  months. 

Bean.  Well,  I  will  write  an  agreement  then.  (He  writes 
with  great  caution,  speaking  as  he  writes.)  "  In  three  months 
from  date,  I  promise  to  marry" — yes,  your  name  is  "Ma 
tilda—" 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.    Yes,  Matilda. 

Bean  (writing,  after  a  pause).     Kinderdeck? 


JEFFERSON   S.    E ATKINS.  899 

Mrs,  Kinderdeck.  No,  you  know  better.  That's  a  name 
you  gave  me ;  that's  the  name  of  my  husband  that  was  sup 
posed  to  be. 

Bean.  Oh,  yes,  the  sea-captain;  I  had  forgotten.  Your 
name  is  — 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.    Matilda  Glimp. 

Bean  (repeating  as  he  writes).  "  Glimp,  or  in  default,  pay 
to  her,  on  demand,  fifty  thousand  dollars  after  that  time." 
—  How  will  that  do  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Let  me  read  it.  (She  takes  the  paper 
and  puts  on  glasses. )  Let  me  see,  —  "  Marry  Matilda  Glimp." 
No,  I  don't  like  that.  You  promise  to  marry  me  ;  but  you  make 
no  statement  as  to  who.  I  prefer  the  words  "  marry  her  myself." 
No,"  that  would  be  no  stronger  ;  "to  make  her  my  wife," — 
yes,  that  will  do.  (Reads.)  "Or  in  default  to  pay  her,  on 
demand,  after  that  time."  I  don't  like  that;  this  paper 
don't  state  how  long  after. 

Bean.  Why,  yes,  it  does,  —  on  demand ;  that  is,  any  time 
after  three  months. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Well,  put  in  "  immediately;  "  any  time 
is  no  time.  I  mean  business,  Aristarchus  Bean,  as  you  call 
yourself.  You  are  a  slippery  kind  of  chap.  I  know  you,  and 
that's  more  than  anybody  else  does  in  this  town.  You  are 
not  going  to  cheat  me  after  all  these  years,  and  what  I  have 
done  for  you. 

Bean  (writing).  Done  for  me?  What  great  things  have 
you  done  ? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  I  have  held  my  tongue  for  you,  while 
you  have  made  a  fortune. 

Bean.  Well,  I  acknowledge  my  error  ;  it  is,  indeed,  a  great 
thing  for  a  woman  to  hold  her  tongue;  and  now,  if»you  keep 
doing  so,  see  what  will  be  your  reward.  Now,  listen.  (Reads.) 
"  Three  months  from  date,  I  promise  to  Matilda  Glimp,  to  make 


400  LIFE    OP 

her  my  wife,  or  to  pay  her  immediately  after  the  three  months 
expires,  fifty  thousand  dollars." 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  That  don't  seem  quite  right  yet.  (She 
reads  it  to  herself.)  I  know  what  it  wants  :  add,  "  For  value 
received."  (She  lays  the  paper  on  the  table,  striking  it 
with  the  end  of  her  middle  finger  as  if  to  give  emphasis  to 
her  words,  "  For  value  received.") 

Bean.  That  is  not  necessary  ;  this  is  not  a  promissory  note. 
It  is  not  usual  to  promise  to  marry  for  value  received. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Put  it  in,  Bean  ;  it  will  do  no  harm.  I 
mean  that  this  document  shall  stand  against  you  in  the  courts. 
Do  you  suppose,  if  you  were  to  dispute  it,  anybody 
would  believe  that  you  would  promise  to  marry  me,  or  pay 
fifty  thousand  dollars,  unless  I  had  done  something  worth  the 
money  ? 

Bean.  What  have  you  done  ?  It  is  what  you  have  left  un 
done  that  I  am  under  obligation  to  you  for.  A  woman  always 
will  have  her  way ;  so  I  will  put  in  "  Value  received,"  to  please 
you.  (He  writes  and  gives  it  to  her.)  There,  will  that  do? 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  (reads).    Yes.  so  far. 

Bean.    Then  I  will  sign  it. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  No,  not  yet.  I  must  have  a  witness  to 
see  you  write  your  name.  I  will  call  John. 

Bean.  No,  no  John.  There  is  an  old  friend  of  yours  now, 
with  Miss  Feathergilt,  in  the  parlor,  who  is  going  to  marry 
that  lady  ;  so  your  mind  can  be  made  easy  as  to  any  designs 
I  have  upon  her.  We  will  join  them,  and  either  or  both  of 
them  can  witness  my  signature,  —  a  totally  unnecessary 
addition,  but  which,  to  please  you,  I  am  satisfied  to  make, 
Mrs.  Kinderdeck. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  Matilda,  Mr.  Bean ;  no  lawyer's  tricks 
with  me. 

Bean.  Either  way ;  permit  me  to  escort  you.  (As  he 
passes  her  before  him,  —  to  allow  her  to  pass  through  the 


JEFFEKSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  401 

door,  he  plays  with  the  pen,  which  he  takes  with  him,  saying, 
"  Before  this  claim  is  made  upon  me,  I  may  have  business  in 
Spain."  As  to  what  he  meant  at  that  time  was  known  only 
to  himself.  The  reader  will  permit  time,  which  does  all 
things  well,  to  develop.) 

I  now  resume  the  narrative  in  explanation  of  the  two  scenes. 
At  the  close  of  that  between  myself  and  Miss  Feathergilt  Mrs. 
Kinderdeck  came  in,  surprising  herself  as  well  myself.  At  that 
time  the  reader  was  left  in  suspense  as  to  the  object  of  her  visit. 
Now  it  is  known,  I  have  only  to  say  that  we,  that  is,  Miss  Feather- 
gilt  and  myself,  witnessed  the  signature  of  Mr.  Aristarchus  Bean 
to  an  agreement,  as  he  said,  with  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  in  relation  to 
the  disposition  of  some  of  her  husband's  property.  This  done, 
Mr.  Bean  and  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  retired  from  the  apartment, 
leaving  me  to  the  society  of  Miss  Feathergilt.  I  have  only  to 
say  that  I  remained  until  a  late  hour.  It  is  not  necessary  to 
recapitulate,  at  this  late  day,  the  incidents  of  that  evening, 
only  I  consider,  and  so  may  rny  readers,  tha-t  this  was  the 
first  time  I  ever  sat  up  with  a  lady,  "sparking,"  as  they 
called  the  custom  at  Cranberry  Centre,  "courting,"  or 
whatever  other  name  may  be  given  to  this  method  of  spending 
an  evening  with  an  interesting  and  agreeable  lady,  no  matter 
what  her  age  or  condition,  with  a  prospect  of  matrimony 
sooner  or  later  to  come. 

I  am  willing  here  to  say  that  I  have  no  doubt  the  earlier  in 
life  you  practice  this  sort  of  humanity,  the  better.  I  regret, 
in  rny  own  case,  that  I  abstained  so  long  from  the  enjoyment 
of  this  universal  source  of  innocent  and  rational  amuse 
ment. 


402  LTFK    OF 


CHAPTER  LIIL 

A    DISPUTED    TITLE. 

NOTWITHSTANDING  the  friendly  relations  between  Bean 
and  the  Feathergilt  family,  a  dispute  had  arisen  about  the 
right  of  way  over  a  bridge  crossing  the  river  a  mile  or  so 
from  Feathergilt's  mill.  The  road,  of  which  this  bridge  was 
a  part,  shortened  the  distance  a  mile  or  so  from  this  mill,  and 
the  village  in  which  it  was  situated,  to  Swansdown  Terrace, 
formerly  Simms'  Folly.  Though  not  a  highway,  no  objec 
tions  had  been  made  to  public  travel  under  occasional  re 
strictions.  Bean  had  purchased  the  estate  adjoining  Swans- 
down  Terrace.  This  he  had  called  Batkinsdale,  in  my  honor, 
as  he  said.  Occasionally  he  would  close  the  bridge,  post 
signs  at  either  end,  on  which  was  painted:  "  This  is  a  dan 
gerous  way."  "  Private  passage."  At  night,'two  lighted  red 
lanterns,  were  suspended  at  either  end  of  the  bridge,  at  some 
distance  from  it,  thus  to  warn  travellers  of  their  rights  and 
liabilities  as  well  as  his  own.  This  course  had  disturbed  Mr. 
Feathergilt,  and  he  had  frequently  asked  Bean  to  dis 
pense  with  this  method  of  securing  his  rights,  and  had  gone  so  far 
as  to  offer  to  purchase  this  estate  of  Batkinsdale,  at  Mr.  Bean's 
own  price.  This  Bean  always  declined,  saying,  "  You  know, 
my  friend,  I  never  part  with  my  real  estate,  and  besides  it  gives 
to  whoever  has  the  fee  of  it  the  control  of  the  bridge  road." 
To  the  inquiry  why,  for  any  purpose  of  protection  of  title,  he 
should  so  frequently  exercise  his  right  of  closing  the  road 
to  travel,  his  reply  was,  "I  don't  know  what  may  happen, 
and  I  intend  to  keep  on  the  right  side  of  the  law." 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  403 

At  this  part  of  the  river  I  was  in  the  habit  of  going 
to  practise  my  oratory,  after  the  style  of  Demosthenes,  in  my 
primary  studies  to  accomplish  myself  for  the  State  House. 
Just  where  the  bridge  crossed  the  river,  there  was  a  descent 
of  the  water,  and  as  it  fell  upon  the  rocks  in  its  course,  a  name 
had  been  given  to  it,  —  "Indian  Cascade."  A  story  of  some 
romantic  nature  had  this  scene  for  its  development.  It  was 
one  of  the  sights  for  visitors  to  Cranberry  Centre,  perhaps 
not  equal  to  Niagara  Falls,  or  the  cataract  of  the  Ganges,  — 
an  exhibition  of  which  I  once  saw  in  a  theatre  ;  still  it  had  its 
attractions  to  strollers,  particularly  lovers,  as,  with  the  excep 
tion  of  a  shanty  below  the  falls,  or  cascade,  there  were  no 
houses  for  some  distance. 

This  road  and  bridge,  or  the  title  to  it,  caused  considerable 
irritation  at  Swansdown  Terrace,  and  Mr.  Feathergilt  had 
gone  so  far  as  to  say  he  was  determined  to  try  the  validity 
of  this  title  in  the  court,  in  a  -friendly  way,  of  course.  Both 
parties  talked  with  me  on  the  subject,  and  I  was  expected  to 
take  sides  one  way  or  the  other.  As  usual  with  me,  this  was 
difficult.  I  could  not  be  expected  to  hold  contrary  opinions  to 
my  father-in-law  that  was  to  be,  and  by  this  time  you  under 
stand,  my  reader,  I  did  not  dare  to  appear  to  be  in  opposition  to 
my  long-tried  friend,  Bean,  to  whose  offices  I  was  indebted  for 
all  that  was  in  expectance  from  the  paternal  guardian  of  her 
whom  I  now  called  my  dear  Amanda. 

I  must  say  here  that  the  reason  for  my  sometimes  attaching 
the  word  dear  to  the  given  name  of  my  wife  to  be,  was,  that  it 
was  generally  understood  that  we  were  to  be  married,  Aunt 
Dolly  having  been  so  changed  by  her  sickness  as  to  say  to 
me,  "  Jefferson,  I  did  not  like  that  Miss  Feathergilt  at  first, 
she  appeared  to  be  so  forward ;  and,  besides,  it  appeared  to  me 
that  you  ought  to  have  a  wife  who  knew  about  house-keeping 
and  dairy-work ;  but  then,  Jefferson,  that  was  before  you  went 


404  LIFE    OF 

to  the  State  House,  and  made  speeches,  and  that  makes  it  a 
different  sort  of  thing." 

I  said,  "  Yes,  Aunt  Dolly,  it  is  so;  everybody  says  I  ought 
to  have  a  lady  for  a  wife,  for  if  I  go  to  Congress  she  might  do 
more  for  Cranberry  Centre  than  I  could.     Her  parties  would 
have  more  influence  than  my  speeches.     I  hear  sometimes  that 
it  is  so." 

"Well."  said  Aunt  Dolly,  "  I  don't  know  any  thing  about  poli 
tics,  and  I  never  pretended  to.  I  always  leave  them  things  to 
the  men.  the  same  as  I  do  killing  the  hogs,  holding  the  plough, 
and  finding  the  groceries ;  but  I  was  a  little  mistaken  in 
Amanda's  notions  of  pride  and  upstartness  ;  she  has  none  of  it." 

This  was  the  first  time  I  had  ever  heard  Aunt  Dolly  call 
Miss  Feathergilt  Amanda,  and  so  I  told  her,  and  asked  her 
what  had  produced  this  change  in  her  mind. 

"  Well,  Jefferson,"  said  Aunt  Dolly,  "it  was  my  sickness. 
She  used  to  come  to  see  me  every  day  in  that  pretty  pony  car 
riage,  and  read  to  me  such  pretty  things,  I  really  think  she 
did  me  more  good  than  the  minis-ter,  after  I  began  to  get  bet 
ter,  even  when  he  read  the  lamentations  of  Job  to  me." 

II  Did  she  read  '  Robinson  Crusoe  '  or  '  Charlotte  Temple'  ?  " 
"  No,  she  did  not  read  <  Charlot-te  Temple.'  "     Aunt  Dolly 

would  pronounce  this  name  as  if  divided  into  three  syllables. 
"  I  do  not  know  what  the  books  were ;  but  her  sweet,  pretty  voice 
used  to  put  me  to  sleep,  Jefferson,  and  in  one  of  the  dreams  I 
had,  I  thought  you  was  married  to  her,  Jefferson,  and  I  said 
to  myself,  1 1  should  be  thankful  to  Providence  if  it  could  be 
brought  about.'  And  then,  Jefferson,  such  pretty  flowers  as 
she  brought  to  me,  and  nice  grapes,  and  peaches,  and  oranges !  " 

"Ah,  Aunt  Dolly,"  I  said,  "  how  easy  it  is  to  be  mistaken  ! 
and  you  can't  always  tell  by  the  outside  what  is  in  the  inside." 

"True,  Jefferson,  some  women  are  like  a  chestnut  burr  to  look 
at,  which  says  to  you,  you  had  better  keep  your  hands  off,  when, 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  405 

after  all,  there  is  a  sweet  meat  inside,  and  I  used  to  be  fond  of 
chestnuts  in  my  young  days,  Jefferson." 

"  Yes,  Aunt  Dolly,  I  dare  say,  with  some  nice  young  man 
to  clear  the  nut  of  the  burr." 

"  No,  Jefferson,  it  was  my  idea,  though,  it  was  a  good  deal 
with  the  chestnuts  as  with  some  other  things, —  wait  until  a  little 
frost  come,  and  the  burrs  would  open  themselves,  and  getting 
at  the  nut  would  not  prick  your  fingers." 

"  I  see,  Aunt  Dolly,  what  you  are  driving  at,  if  you  liken 
Miss  Feathefgilt  to  .the  chestnuts ;  but  I  am  glad  to  hear  your 
opinion  of  Amanda,  Aunt  Dolly,  for  now  I  can  tell  you  a 
secret :  we  are  going  to  be  married." 

"  And  bring  her  to  the  homestead  to  live?  " 

11  That's  my  notion  about  it." 

"  I  am  glad  of  it,  Jefferson  ;  but  as  you  are  the  only  one 
left  of  the  Batkins  name  I  don't  know  but  you  ought  to  have 
married  sooner.  Miss  Feathergilt,  I  know,  will  make  you  a 
good  wife;  still,  she  is  so  much  past  thirty  that —  Well,  we 
can't  always  tell,  and  we  must  do  in  this  as  we  are  obliged  to 
do  in  many  other  things,—  do  the  best  we  can,  and  leave  the 
rest  to  Providence." 

I  agreed  with  Aunt  Dolly,  but  did  not  give  her  my  private 
opinion,  nor  Dr.  Slawter's;  nor  shall  I  do  either  now,  you  under 
stand,  but  let  time  do  its  work. 


406  L1FK    OP 


CHAPTER    LIV. 

ABOUT    MY    MARRIAGE. 

IT  had  been  arranged  by  Mr.  Bean  and  Mr.  Feathergilt 
that  our  marriage  should  take  place  at  the  end  of  a  year,  pro 
vided  Mrs.  Feathergilt's  situation  at  the  time  would  permit, 
and  after  a  wedding  tour,  either  to  Europe  or  the  West,  I 
should  return  to  politics.  It  had  been  decided  that  Hon.  Seth 
Spring  should  go  to  Congress,  if  the  annexation  scheme  was  dis 
posed  of,  and  I  should  represent  Cranberry  Centre  in  the  Leg 
islature  again,  with  the  opportunity  to  settle  old  scores  with  the 
Boston  members.  It  was  agitated,  also,  to  have  a  plurality 
elect  instead  of  a  majority,  by  which  means  a  minority  can 
didate  was  as  likely  to  be  chosen,  when  three  or  more  candi 
dates  were  in  the  field,  as  a  majority  was.  I  do  not  know  who 
proposed  this  change.  It  could  not  have  been  Mr.  Boutwell, 
because  Mr.  Winthrop  received  a  large  plurality  of  the  popu 
lar  vote,  and  the  Legislature,  following  the  expressed  will 
of  the  people,  elected  a  different  man.  I  think  this  election 
had  something  to  do  with  the  change,  and  in  private  life  I 
favored  the  change,  and  so  gave  out. 

Bean  was  scheming  in  a  new  direction.  As  I  never  did 
understand  his  game,  this  time  I  did  not  attempt  to  inquire 
his  motives.  He  said  to  me  one  day.  when  I  was  visiting 
Swansdown  Terrace, —  which,  of  course,  I  often  did, and  so  did 
he, —  "  Batkins,  I  want  to  talk  to  you  on  a  family  matter  ;  it 
concerns  you  as  much  as  any  of  the  rest.  What  do  you  think 
of  running  your  brother-in-law,  that  is  to  be, — Horace  Feath 
ergilt,  —  for  Congress  next  term?  " 


JEFFKRSOX  S.    £  ATKINS.  407 

"Does  he  want  to  go?" 

"  No,  of  course  not.  Nobody  wants  to  go  to  Congress 
before  they  are  elected.  Do  you  want  to  go  to  Boston  next 
year?" 

"What,"  says  I.  "to  the  General  Court?  Well,  Mr. 
Bean,  I  don't  know,  if — " 

"  There, stop;  you  can't  come  the  Caesar  over  me.  Horace 
Feathergilt  must  go  to  Congress.  He  is  coming  home  in  a 
few  weeks,  and  must  go  in  training, —  that  I  will  take  care  of. 
But,  Batkins,  your  mother-in-law,  that. is  to  be,  will  not  live 
long,  and,  between  you  and  I,  if  she  dies,  her  husband  will 
soon  follow,  —  often  the  way  with  old  folks  who  have  lived 
a  long  while  together.  Now,  I  have  been  telling  him  that  he 
ought  to  make  you  and  Horace  his  agents  in  business,  and  take 
his  ease.  I  will  assist  you  ;  in-  fact,  Batkins,  I  will  take  all 
the  work  off  your  hands.  Horace  is  no  great  financier,  and 
you  are  not  quite  fit  to  be  a  secretary  of  the  treasury,  and 
perhaps  without  some  help  from  me  would  not  do  so  well." 

I  said,  "Bean,  I  do  not  desire  any  such  addition  to  my 
work." 

"Well,  Batkins,  you  can  approve  it  if  the  old  gentleman 
should  ask  your  opinion ;  for  you  know  he  thinks  a  great  deal 
of  your  opinion." 

I  promised  I  would  think  of  it,  and  we  parted.  Time 
passed  rapidly,  and  Miss  Feathergilt,  my  reading,  my  recit 
ing  with  Mr.  Birch,  visiting  cattle-shows,  and  occasional 
journeys  to  Boston,  kept  me  in  a  reasonable  state  of  activity. 
Amanda  had  a  desire  for  a  pair  of  ponies  that  she  had  heard 
of;  and  one  day  when  I  proposed  to  make  her  a  birthday 
present,  partly  to  ascertain  her  age,  she  said  if  I  could 
purchase  that  pair  of  ponies,  she  should  be  delighted  to  accept 
them  as  a  birthday  present. 

As  my  father  expressed  great  satisfaction  at  my  approaching 
marriage,  and  saw  what  he  called  good  points  in  Miss  Feather- 


408  n in-:  OF 

gilt,  and  as  he  was  reckoned  the  best  horse  man  in  our  part  of 
the  State  I  concluded  he  would  make  a  better  job  of  the  pony 
business  than  I  should.  I  therefore  communicated  my  views 
to  him  on  the  subject,  and  he  engaged  to  look  after  the 
matter.  Miss  Feathergilt  had  already  practised  somewhat 
with  ponies,  and  used  them  with  good  effect  on  her  visits  to 
Aunt  Dolly,  who  used  to  look  out  of  the  window  when  she 
arrived  and  departed,  and  expressed  great  admiration  at 
Amanda's  skill  in  driving.  Since  her  removal  to  Swansuown- 
Terrace  she  had  visited  Saratoga  and  Newport,  and  was  in 
clined  to  introduce  the  fashions  of  those  gay  places  to  Cranberry 
Centre.  It  is  scarcely  worth  the  time  to  load  this  narrative 
too  much  with  other  people's  doings,  and  I  shall  only  remark 
that  my  father  was  successful  in  the  pony  trade,  and  in  con 
sequence  of  the  difference  in  the  stepping  arid  general  ap 
pearance  between  the  new  ponies  and  the  old  ones,  a  new 
phaeton  was  indispensable.  This,  with  an  elegantly  mounted 
harness,  was  procured,  and  Amanda  was  the  envy  of  the  rest 
of  the  girls,  whose  fathers  could  perhaps  afford  to  give  their 
daughters  such  a  turn-out,  but  did  not  do  it. 

This  was  said  to  have  been  a  present  from  me  ;  it  was  not ; 
Lean  ordered  it  from  New  York.  He  thought  New  England 
could  not  furnish  such  a  piece  of  workmanship,  and  talked  of 
a  style  in  Paris  for  a  family  coach.  Bean  appeared  always 
to  be  fond  of  Amanda,  and  I  often  wondered  why  he  did  not 
marry  her.  I  asked  hjm  one  day  in  a  sort  of  way  that  I 
thought  would  elicit  a  square  reply.  He  looked  at  me,  and 
said,  "  Batkins,  fools  ask  questions  that  wise  men  cannot 
answer." 

I  said,  "I  have  heard  so.  Do  you  mean  I  am  a  fool  ? 
I  know  you  are  a  wise  man." 

He  said,  "  No  ;  but,"  with  a  curious  look  that  I  remembered 
well,  but  did  not  attach  much  importance  to,  as  he  often  said 


JEFFERSON  S.    D ATKINS.  409 

queer  things,  "  Batkins,  a  man  may  not  marry  his  —  grand 
mother." 

I  said  "No;  but  Amanda  is  no  relation  to  you,  and 
certainly  not  your  grandmother." 

"  I  do  not  refer  to  Miss  Feathergilt's  age,  Batkins  ;  but 
merely  to  convey  the  idea  that  if  some  things  can  be  done  as 
well  as  others,  there  are  other  things  that  cannot  be  so  well 
done  as  some.  I  spoke  only  in  figure,  Batkins,  when  I  said,  in 
relation  to  your  question,  that  a  man  may  not  marry  his 
grandmother." 

"  Yes,  rhetorically,  as  Mr.  Birch  has  it,  eh,  Bean?  " 

"Yes." 

Bean  did  not  appear  to  be  in  his  usual  good  spirits.  I  was 
waiting  for  an  opportunity  to  speak  to  him  about  the  title  to 
the  road-way,  and  I  wanted  it  to  come  in  accidentally.  Our 
conversation  had  taken  such  a  turn  that  I  hardly  knew  how  to 
get  at  it.  In  some  sermon  or  play  I  have  read,  I  remembered 
this  line:  "A  little  flattery  does  well  sometimes."  So  I 
thought  I  would  try  that.  I  said,  "Bean,  I  have  been 
waiting  for  an  opportunity  to  express  my  gratification  at  the 
taste  you  exhibited  in  the  selection  of  Miss  Feathergilt's 
phaeton,  and  the  exceeding  liberality  displayed  in  presenting 
it  to  her." 

"Nonsense,  Batkins!  She  thanked  me;  that's  enough. 
What  do  you  want  now  ?  " 

"Nothing.  I  was  going  to  drive  her  over  to  the  mill;  it 
naturally  enough  came  into  my  mind  to  think  of  your  gift. 
I  thought  I  should  like  to  express  my  thanks  to  you  like 
wise." 

"Is  that  all?" 

I  said,  "  That  is  all  about  the  phaeton;  but  one  day,  as  I 
was  walking  along  that  way  with  Mr.  Feathergilt,  he 
said  it  was  strange  you  would  not  sell  him  the  estate  the 
other  side  of  the  fails." 


410  LIFE    OF 

11  Did  he  ?  I  never  sell  real  estate.  He  wants  the  right 
of  way,  Batkins.  No,  not  a  foot  of  the  land ;  no  title  in  the 
right  of  way.  I  will  shut  it  up  when  I  please." 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  entered  the  room  at  this  moment.  We 
exchanged  looks ;  we  always  did  when  we  met.  I  supposed 
she  was  thinking  of  my  interview  with  her,  referred  to  in  the 
earlier  part  of  my  narrative,  —  I  always  was,  —  but  as  yet 
we  had  not  exchanged  a  word  upon  that  extraordinary  event. 
She  said,  with  a  smile,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  Miss  Feathergilt  is 
ready  for  you." 

I  thanked  her,  saying  to  Bean,  "  You  will  excuse  me?  " 

He  said,  "Of  course." 

I  left  the  room.  How  long  they  remained  together  I  never 
knew,  or  what  was  said  on  the  occasion.  The  ponies  and 
phaeton  were  at  the  door,  and  in  a  few  seconds,  with  my  wife 
to  be,  we  were  dashing,  as  she  called  it,  down  the  avenue 
leading  to  the  road.  This  ride  was  quite  a  contrast  to  the 
ride  in  the  shower.  "VVe  laughed  at  that  ride  as  I  brought 
it  to  her  recollection. 


JEFFERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  411 


CHAPTER  LV. 

A    DISAPPOINTMENT. 

I  SHALL  have  to  compress  the  events  of  two  years  into  a 
space  to  correspond  with  my  plan  as  agreed  upon  with  the 
printer ;  but  I  shall  not  omit  any  important  matter  on  that 
account.  I  shall  only,  in  a  degree,  refrain,  you  understand, 
from  remarks  explanatory,  unnecessarily  too  minute.  I  shall 
leave  to  the  intelligence  of  my  reader,  in  a  greater  degree, 
the  collecting  of  the 'threads  of  my  story,  and  weaving  them 
into  the  whole  cloth,  believing  now  the  task  not  to  be  a  diffi 
cult  one.  As  to  the  affairs  of  public  interest  I  will  only  say 
that  matters  at  the  Centre  went  along  about  so.  The  annexa 
tion  project  failed,  I  do  not  say  in  consequence  of  my  not 
being  in  the  Legislature.  They  said  Seth  Spring  sold  out  to 
Boston.  Boston  would  agree  to  it  if  the  consolidated  towns 
should  take  the  name  of  Leadenville,  thus  abolishing  West 
Cranberry  and  the  Centre.  Abolition  was  beginning  to  be  a 
power.  Conservatism  was  beaten.  Conservatism  said,  that, 
as  Leadenville  had  originally  been  set  off  from  Cranberry 
Centre,  if  there  was  to  be  a  change  in  name  and  an  annexa 
tion,  it  all  should  be  called  Leadenville ;  these  were  said  to  be 
Young  America's  views  as  they  were  flashed  over  the  wires' 
from  the  State  House.  In  the  "  Centre  "  there  seemed  to  be  a 
conflict  of  opinion,  and  as  yet  I  had  not  made  up  my  mind 
for  the  future. 

The  prohibitory  law  was  enforced  just  about  as  Mr.  Bout- 
well  said  he  thought  it  would-be,  in  his  veto  message,  and  pro 
ductive  of  predicted  results.  The  fact  of  his  afterward  having 
signed  the  bill  did  not  seem  to  have  much  effect  upon  the 


412  LIFE   OF 

law-abiding  people  of  Massachusetts  in  general,  or  Cranberry 
Centre  in  particular.  His  work  of  "equal  zeal  and  greater 
freedom  in  private,  for  the  welfare  and  honor  of  the  Common 
wealth,"  did  riot  seem  to  have  much  effect  upon  the  law-loving, 
sin-hating  population  ;  for,  according  to  statistics,  —  figures, 
which,  on  Mr.  Bean's  principle,  never  lie, — more  alcoholic 
liquors  were  sold,  and  more  drunkards  made  since,  than  be 
fore,  the  passage  of  this  transcendent  invention  to  legislate  the 
people  up  to  the  proper  moral  standard. 

In  my  own  domestic  affairs  there  had  been  changes,  which 
at  this  time  I  shall  only  refer  to.  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt 
had  returned  from  Europe  ;  he  had  not  disapproved  of  my 
alliance  with  the  family.  He  had  been  nominated  and  elected 
to  Congress,  and  had  received  almost  the  unanimous  vote  of 
Cranberry  Centre.  Leadenville,  and  West  Cranberry,  neither 
of  which,  at  first,  were  in  our  district.  In  order  to  effect 
this,  however,  these  three  towns  were  added  in  a  new  ar 
rangement  of  affairs.  It  was  thought  easier  to  do  this  than  to 
have  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  move  into  the  other  district; 
it  was  thought  that  might  lose  him  his  settlement  in  Cranberry 
Centre,  if  such  a  matter  should  ever  be  of  importance  to  him 
in  any  claim  he  might  make  hereafter  upon  the  town  for 
support. 

I  suggested  to  Bean  that  I  thought  that  was  looking  a  little 
too  far  ahead,  as  with  his  wealth  it  was  hardly  possible  he 
should  ever  need  pauper  support.  Bean  said  it  was  a  free 
country,  and  in  a  free  country  everything  in  politics  was  pos 
sible.  "  For,"  says  he,  "  carry  out  your  free-and-equal  pro 
cess,  and  there  is  no  reason  why  a  pauper  on  the  town-farm 
should  not  be  a  candidate  for  the  presidency.  The  policy  of 
nominating  such  a  man  is  another  thing,  and  that  would  be  the 
question  of  the  politician.  The  notion  used  to  be  that  the 
government  was  the  people's  government;  it  is  not  so,  —  it  is 


JEFFERSON  S.   It  ATKINS.  413 

the  office-holders'  government.  The  people  pay  the  bills,  and 
progress  will  extend  this  principle  indefinitely." 

Now  and  then  Bean  would  indulge  in  talks  on  politics ;  but  I 
I  had  never  heard  him  put  the  matter  exactly  in  this  light  before. 

"  But,"  he  continued,"  Batkins,  you  have  a  great  deal  to 
learn  yet ;  and  the  next  time  you  visit  the  poor-farm  you  ask 
Old-sledge  Slideout,  as  they  call  him,  about  these  things:  and 
he  will  tell  you  that  he  has  been  in  Congress,  and  how  he  got 
there ;  and  he  is  a  good  representative  of  a  class  that,  if  they 
are  not  fed  and  clothed  by  government  offices,  must  be  pro 
vided  for  in  the  almshouse  or  penitentiary,  as  the  case  might  be." 

Just  as  the  preparations  for  my  marriage  were  completed 
Mrs.  Feathergilt  died,  —  rather  suddenly  at  last,  but  at  her 
supposed  age  I  cannot  see  how  a  death  can  be  called  sudden. 
This  event  put  all  the  family  in  mourning.  I,  not  yet 
being  in  the  family,  was  not  expected  to  wear  black.  This, 
of  course,  put  an  end,  at  least  for  the  present,  to  my 
marriage  and  contemplated  tour.  It  is  not  important  to  de 
scribe  the  funeral ;  of  course  it  was  a  handsome  one,  —  an 
undertaker  from  Boston,  I  think  his  name  was  Grave,  assist 
ing  Mr.  Sodder,  our  sexton,  who  had  been  singularly  appropri 
ately  named  in  the  ceremonies  of  the  occasion. 

For  a  time  the  people  in  the  house  were  silent,  and  walked 
on  their  toes  slowly  about  the  rooms,  as  if  fearful  of  disturb 
ing  the  good  old  lady,  who,  if  she  had,  lived  long  enough, 
would  have  been  my  mother-in-law.  After  a  while,  however, 
their  steps  were  quickened,  their  heels  touched  the  floors,  and 
sounds  of  hilarious  enjoyment  ascended  from  the  kitchen  and 
other  rooms  of  the  lower  part  of  the  house.  I  did  not  think 
Amanda  looked  so  well  in  black ;  but  she  put  it  on ;  so  did 
her  father  and  Horace,  and  when  all  together  I  could  liken  them 
to  nothing  but.  a  trio  of  crows.  This  condition  of  things  did 
riot  interfere  with  business  or  politics,  which  went  on  as  usual. 
Horace  was  excused  from  making  stump  speeches,  in  conse- 


414  LIFE    OF 

quence  of  his  recent  domestic  affliction,  as  was  stated  in  his 
organ,  the  "  County  Gazette." 

In  politics  there  was  something  mysterious  going  on.  A 
new  party  was  forming.  It  appeared  suddenly  in  force,  carry 
ing  the  day,  and  all  its  candidates  into  the  State  House,  with 
few  exceptions.  As  I  was  not  then  in  public  life  I  cannot,  of 
my  own  knowledge,  throw  any  light  upon  their  doings,  and 
upon  hearsay  evidence  I  am  not  in  the  habit  of  forming  any 
opinions.  I  am  aware  of  nothing  that  is  left  to  remind  us  of 
this  party  success  in  making  laws  for  the  public  good,  ex 
cept  that  one  compelling  railroad  trains  to  stop  at  bridges  and 
crossings.  If  my  readers  desire  further  information  they  can 
ask  the  conductor  the  next  time  they  ride  on  a  steam-power 
railroad  ;  I  believe  it  does  not  extend  to  horse-power  carriage. 

I  think,  with  this  explanation,  my  reader  will  understand 
the  drift  of  things  conveyed,  in  part,  in  dramatic  form.  I 
hope  his  imagination,  or  strong  perceptive  faculty,  will  give  a 
more  lifelike  vigor  to  the  action  than  if  a  narrative  were  pro 
ceeding.  I  take  it,  a  good  deal  of  the  effect  of  story-telling 
depends  upon  the  story-teller,  and  if  my  reader  does  not  keep 
my  embodiment  "in  his  mind's  eye,"  Batkins  to  him  is  any 
body.  I  have  no  objection  to  any  person  who  has  seen  Mr. 
Warren  in  the  "  Silver  Spoon"  supposing  me  to  be  like  him 
in  personal  appearance.  To  those  who  have  not,  my  physiog 
nomy  must  be  left  to  their  imagination,  as  well  as  my  manner, 
shape,  and,  as  Mr.  Birch  called  it  in  French,  "ensemble." 


JEFFERSON  S.    JiATKlXS.  415 


CHAPTER  LVI. 

A   FINANCIAL   JAR. 

I  REFERRED  to  the  proposition  of  Bean,  that  Mr.  Feather- 
gilt  should  retire  from  the  active  business  matters,  and  that  he, 
with  myself  and  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt,  should  act  in  his  be 
half.  Bean  had  succeeded,  and  Mr.  Feathergilt,  senior,  gave 
the  proper  authority,  which  was  accepted  at  the  banks  and  by 
others  who  had  financial  interests  in  this  connection.  Mr. 
Bean  did  the  work,  consulted  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  and  my 
self,  but  usually  acted  upon  his  own  judgment  whatever  opin 
ions  we  might  have  advanced  in  an  opposite  direction.  Fi 
nance  was  Bean's  hobby,  and  he  rode  it  to  win,  and  I  should 
say,  "won  his  spurs." 

Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  had  enlarged  views  so  far  as  per 
sonal,  enjoyment  was  concerned.  A  residence  of  some  months 
in  Paris,  or  upon  the  continent,  had  not  demolished  his  fast 
American  views.  He  had  rather,  added  to  his  extravagant 
ideas  a  foreign  eccentricity  incompatible  with  general  economy. 
He  made  no  pretence  to  business  knowledge,  but  relying  on  his 
father's  talent  of  coming  gold  and  silver  out  of  cowhide,  calf 
skin,  wooden  pegs,  awls,  and  waxed  ends,  when  manipulated 
by  skilful  workmen,  he  did  not  disturb  his  brain  with  any  pro 
found  study  as  to  how  the  thing  was  done.  It  is  not  singular 
that  he  should  be  willing  to  trust  that  able  financier,  Aristar- 
chus  Bean,  to  manage  affairs;  particularly  when  he  had  used 
his  influence  with  the  senior  of  the  firm  to  permit  him  to 
abstract  from  its  resources  money  in  sufficient  quantities  to 
purchase  a  place  in  Newport,  or  villa,  a  house  in  Boston,  a 


416  LIFE    OF 

yacht  for  coast  surveys,  and  the  needful  outlays  to  secure  a 
nomination  and  election  to  Congress.  Miss  Feathergilt  coin 
cided  with  her  brother's  views,  and  sometimes  I  thought  she 
was  getting  a  little  more  fond  of  Newport  than  was  desirable 
for  a  lady  destined  to  be  the  wife  of  a  farmer,  who,  to  be  sure 
had  been  a  representative,  and,  as  Bean  had  it,  was  eligible  to 
be  President  of  the  United  States,  or  any  other  office  in  the 
gift  of  the  people,  or,  as  Bean  said,  the  politicians. 

I  do  not  fix  dates  :  I  have  only  to  say,  "  about  this  time,"  as 
I  had  so  often  seen  in  the  old  "  Farmer's  Almanac,"  "  a  storm 
may  be  expected."  A  storm  did  come,  and  again  Cranberry 
Centre  was  agitated  as  it  never  was  before,  and  never  will  be 
again;  and  here  I  must  repeat  the  old  adage,  "Truth  is 
stranger  than  fiction." 

One  of  the  most  perfectly  appointed  apartments  in  Swans- 
down  Terrace  was  the  library.  It  had  been  so*  in  the  days  of 
the  occupancy  of  this  palace  by  "  Mrs.  Siinms'  man,"  when 
it  was  called  Simms'  Folly.  I  have  no  knowledge  of  the  num 
ber  of  books  it  contained,  nor  what  their  character,  but  it  was 
said  to  be  a  very  fine  collection.  How  many  of  these  were  ever 
read  I  do  not  know.  A  library  was  considered  a  necessity,  in 
the  establishment  of  a  gentleman,  of  equal  consideration  with 
a  billiard-room,  though  generarlly  not  so  much  used  when 
persons  of  the  style  of  Peter  Feathergilt  were  occupants. 

Something  had  occurred  which  the  following  dialogue  in  the 
library  may  serve  to  explain.  Mr.  Feathergilt  had  been  look 
ing  over  some  books,  and  appeared  to  be  in  a  similar  situation 
to  that  I  have  referred  to  when  I  was  examining  the  trial-bal 
ance  of  the  books  of  the  firm  of  Batkins  &  Co.  Bean,  self- 
possessed  as  usual,  stood  at  the  table,  with  his  hat  in  his  hand. 
Feathergilt  rose  from  the  table,  walking  about,  giving  evi 
dence  of  a  not  over-tonic  condition,  as  Dr.  Slawter  used  to  say. 
He  at  last  came  back  to  the  table,  where  the  impassive  Beau 
stood,  as  if  anticipating  his  question. 


JRVFRRSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  417 

Feathergilt.  Well,  Mr.  Bean,  what  arrangement  did  you 
make  at  the  banker's  ? 

Bean.    None,  sir  ;  the  proposition  is  under  consideration. 

Feathergilt.  Consideration  ?  When  before  did  a  proposi 
tion  for  an  accommodation,  with  the  name  of  Feathergilt 
signed  to  it,  require  consideration  at  any  bank  in  New  Eng 
land  or  New  York ;  and  that  bank,  too,  that  I  have  saved  from 
bankruptcy  more  than  once  ? 

Bean.  It  is  so.  There  is  no  doubt  you  have  an  enemy  at 
work,  a  political  enemy  possibly  of  the  junior  partner  of  the 
firm.  The  principal  of  the  banking-house  hinted  to  me  as 
much.  He  says  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt' s  mode  of  life  can 
scarcely  be  supported  by  the  business  of  the  firm,  added  to 
losses  he  knows  your  house  has  made.  He  alluded  to  his 
city  residence,  his  villa  at  Newport,  his  stables  of  horses,  his 
elegant  yacht,  and  your  son's  magnificent  but,  as  he  calls  it, 
prodigal  hospitality. 

Feathergilt.  Well,  as  I  find  the  money,  I  think  he  can 
afford  to  live  in  that  way. 

Bean.  So  I  told  him,  sir ;  still  for  ready  money  we  are  in 
a  state  of  temporary  embarrassment ;  then  there  are  the  expenses 
of  the  election  to  Congress. 

Feathergilt.    Are  they  not  paid  ? 

Bean.  It  was  thought  politic,  sir,  during  the  canvass,  not 
to  have  any  disbursement  proceed  from  your  house,  sir,  nor  to 
have  any  clue  which  hereafter  might  lead  to  a  discovery,  if 
any  curious  committee  should  be  appointed  to  inquire  as  to 
the  purity  of  elections.  The  money  was  advanced  by 
friendly  parties. 

Feathergilt.    Who  advanced  the  money  ? 

Bean.  Myself,  Batkins,  and  some  friends.  The  sum  is  not 
paid ;  neither  Mr.  Batkins  nor  myself  are  anxious ;  others  are. 

Feathergilt.  I  will  give  you  a  check  for  the  amount  at  once  ; 
I  do  not  desire  to  have  any  such  demand  made  upon  my  execu- 


418  LIFE    OF 

tors,  or  to  have  it  charged  in  the  books  of  the  firm.  Give  me 
the  check  book ;  what  is  the  sum  ? 

Bean.  Gross  amount  appropriated,  fifty  thousand  dol 
lars. 

FeathergiU.  Fifty  thousand  dollars  for  a  seat  in  Congress  ! 
What  was  such  a  sum  ever  expended  for  ? 

Bean.  Organization,  newspapers,  rearranging  the  district, 
bands  of  music,  torch-light  processions,  stump  speakers  and 
their  tavern-bills,  votes. 

FeathergiU.    Votes  ? 

Bean.  Yes,  sir  ;  when  we  begun,  things  looked  black.  The 
canvass  showed  fifteen  hundred  majority,  at  least,  for  our  oppo 
nent.  Votes  are  things  that  elect.  You  said,  and  so  did  Mr. 
Horace  Feathergilt,  that  you  would  not  coerce  your  operatives 
and  dependents  in  their  votes ;  so  that  the  only  way  to  do  was  to 
buy  them.  We  had  the  money,  it  was  judiciously  applied  in 
the  district,  and  thus  the  election  of  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt 
was  secured,  and,  as  we  told  the  voters,  and  had  it  printed  in 
the  newspaper,  the  safety  of  the  country  at  the  same  time  was 
preserved. 

Featliergilt.    Do  you  think  this  is  honest? 

Bean.  In  politics  it  is  so  considered.  At  any  rate  that's 
the  way  it  is  done ;  it  was  done  on  the  other  side,  only  we  had 
the  most  guns. 

FeathergiU  (taking  up  the  check-book).  Have  I  fifty 
thousand  dollars  in  the  bank  ? 

Bean.    I  think  not. 

FeathergiU.-  Where  is  my  son  ? 

Bean.    He  has  gone  to  Washington. 

FeathergiU.  I  will  go  to  the  bank  myself.  Mr.  Bean,  you 
alarm  me  ;  certainly  we  have  in  the  firm's  name,  and  on  my 
account,  abundance  of  property. 

Bean.  Yes,  but  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  has  drawn  heavily 
lately ;  within  the  year,  sir,  a  very  large  sum  to  take  from 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  419 

the  business.  But  I  had  supposed  you  were  aware  of  it.  As 
you  say,  you  have  property,  but  much  of  it  not  available  on  a 
sudden  call. 

FeatJiergilt.    Show  me  the  list. 

Bean.  Sit  down,  sir ;  I  will  read  a  statement  of  your  assets. 
I  have  prepared  everything,  sir,  in  case  of  any  emergency. 
Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt,  sir,  has  a  house  in  Washington,  which 
cost,  with  furniture  and  plate,  one  hundred  thousand  dollars. 

Featliergilt.    A  house  in  Washington  !     What  for  ? 

Bean.  He  intends  to  marry,  sir.  I  was  requested  to  con 
sider  that  a  confidential  affair ;  but  the  present  condition  of 
your  business  must  be  my  excuse  for  communicating  this  fact 
to  you.  Your  house  in  Boston,  —  one  hundred  thousand ; 
Swansdown  Terrace  is  valued  at  two  hundred  thousand,  —  the 
improvements  exceeded  the  estimates;  Mr.  Horace  Feather- 
gilt's  villa  at  Newport  fifty  thousand;  yachts,  horses,  car 
riages,  pictures,  and  other  articles  of  value,  say,  one  hundred, 
thousand. 

FeatJiergilt.    What  is  the  total  ? 

Bean.    Five  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  dollars. 

Feathergilt.    What  was  the  cost  of  the  mill  ? 

Bean.    Five  hundred  thousand.     * 

FeatJiergilt.  How  much  have  we  in  bonds,  notes,  and  other 
securities  ? 

Bean.  But  a  few  thousand  dollars  available.  I  have  been 
obliged  to  use  a  large  sum  to  make  both  ends  meet  in  the 
necessary  financial  operation  of  your  somewhat  extended  busi 
ness. 

Feathergilt.    And  what  are  our  liabilities  ? 

Bean.  I  have  not  yet  completed  the  list ;  to-morrow,  sir, 
I  shall  be  prepared  to  show  you  an  exact  account  of  tha 
affairs  of  the  firm  and  its  resources. 

Featliergilt.    Mr.  Bean,  am  I  bankrupt  ? 


420  LTFE    OF 

Sean.  No,  sir ;  to  attempt  to  realize  on  Mr.  Horace  Feath- 
ergilt's  investments  would  be  to  sacrifice  at  least  one  half  of 
their  value.  It  may  turn  out  that  you  are  not  a  niilliori- 
naire ;  but  you  are  not  a  bankrupt. 

Feather  gilt.    And  this  comes  of  politics. 

Bean.  Not  entirely,  sir.  I  think  I  shall  be  able  yet  to 
have  things  all  right.  Leave  it  to  me ;  do  not  go  to  the 
bank.  I  have  some  resources,  they  shall  be  used. 

I  entered  the  library  at  this  moment.  Perceiving  that  Mr. 
Feathergilt  was  somewhat  agitated,  I  inquired  the  cause.  Mr. 
Bean  said,  "A  little  disappointment,  nothing  more;"  and 
together  they  left  the  library.  Bean  saying,  as  he  went  out, 
* '  Mr.  Batkins,  do  not  leave  until  I  return.  I  wish  to  speak 
with  you." 

I  had  come  to  see  Amanda,  who  had  just  returned  from  a 
visit  to  some  friends  in  Boston.  I  had  promised  to  read  to 
her  some  of  my  speeches,  which  I  had  composed  for  different 
occasions.  Under  the  instruction  of  Mr.  Birch  I  still  em 
ployed  myself  in  this  way,  and  had  something  of  a  collection. 
I  used  to  carry  them  about  with  me  in  a  large  envelope,  such 
as  were  used  at  the  State  House  for  government  purposes,  and 
which,  with  a  knife,  gold  pens,  and  other  supplies  of  station 
ery,  I  had.  received  for  the  Commonwealth's  use  when  I  was 
representative.  Upon  this  I  had  my  name  entered  in  full,  and 
marked,  upon  the  outside,  "  Private  and  Confidential."  While 
Bean  was  absent  I  thought  I  would  make  a  selection  of  the 
one  I  would  first  read  to  Amanda.  While  thus  engaged,  Mrs. 
Kinderdeck  entered  the  library,  I  thought  some  what  agitated, 
and  said,  "  Mr.  Batkins,  Miss  Feathergilt  will  see  you  in  half 
an  hour." 

I  told  her  I  was  much  obliged  to  her.  We  were  on  speak 
ing  terms,  yet  I  could  never  forget  the  nankin  suit  and  the 
bill  for  groceries.  I  was  always  suspicious  of  her,  and  never 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  421 

cared  to  be  alone  with  her.  She  approached  ine.  "  Mr.  Bat- 
kins,  you  can  do  me  a  favor,  will  you?  " 

"What  is  it,  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  ?  "  I  asked,  very  politely, 
but  with  some  timidity. 

"You  remember,  more  than  two  years  ago,  you  and  Miss 
Feathergilt  witnessed  a  paper  upon  which  Mr.  Bean  signed 
his  name?  " 

"  I  remember  it." 

"It  was  an  agreement,  Mr.  Batkins,  between  Mr.  Bean 
and  myself." 

"  Yes,  he  said  so;    about  some  property." 

"He  will  not  keep  the  agreement;  that  is,  he  puts  it  off; 
and  when  I  tell  him  I  will  go  to  court  about  it,  he  laughs  and 
says  if  I  go  to  court  I  cannot  prove  his  signature.  Now,  you 
and  Miss  Feathergilt  saw  him  sign  it,  as  you  both  witnessed 
it." 

"We  did,"  I  said. 

"The  favor  I 'have  to  ask  is,  will  you  go  to  court  with 
Miss  Feathergilt,  and  testify  to  it?  " 

"  I  will,  Mrs.  Kinderdeck.  I  cannot  answer  for  Miss 
Feathergilt." 

"1  have  asked  her;  she  is  willing." 

At  this  moment  Bean  returned  and  fixed  his  eye  upon  Mrs. 
Kinderdeck.  She  left  me,  saying  with  a  smile,  "  I  am  much 
obliged  to  you.  Mr.  Batkins;  "  and  left  the  room. 

Bean  watched  her  off,  then  turned  to  me.  "  Batkins,  what 
have  you  been  saying  to  the  sea-captain's  wife  ?  None  of  your 
old  tricks."  He  looked  at  me  with  such  a  ferocious  mixture 
of  scowl  and  laugh  that,  for  the  moment,  I  could  not  speak. 
He  continued,  "  I  know;  she  has  been  asking  you  about  that 
agreement." 

"Yes." 

"  Well,  what  do  you  know  about  it  ?  " 

"  Nothing,"  I  said.   "  She  asked  me  about  your  signing  it." 


422  .  LIFE    OF 

"  She  is  a  fool.  I  shall  make  it  all  right  with  her.  She 
has  been  threatening  me  with  a  lawsuit.  Nobody  can  do  any 
thing  with  me  that  way."  He  took  from  his  coat-pocket  a 
packet,  and  handing  it  to  me,  said,  "Here,  keep  that ;  it  is 
sealed,  —  confidential  and  private.  Sign  this,  —  a  receipt 
that  you  received  it  from  my  hands." 

He  turned  to  the  table,  wrote  a  receipt,  which  I  signed ;  he 
put  the  receipt  in  his  pocket,  and  gave  me  the  packet. 
"  Take  care  of  it,  Batkins,  and,  if  you  have  any  fears  of  its 
safety  at  your  house,  take  it  to  the  bank.  Put  it  into  their 
vault,  and  have  it  ready  when  I  call  for  it."  He  looked  at 
me  with  one  of  his  gimlet-like  expressions,  saying,  after  a 
pause,  "Batkins,  don't  mind  anything  old  Feathergilt  says. 
There  will  be  hell  to  pay  in  Cranberry  Centre  before  you 
are  ten  years  older." 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  came  in  to  say  that  Miss  Feathergilt 
would  receive  me.  I  followed  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  Bean  going 
out  with  us,  repeating  close  to  my  ear,  in  a  shrill  whisper,  the 
singular  emphatic  caution  given  as  above.  I  had  not  the 
slightest  idea  of  its  meaning ;  but  repeated  it  to  myself  as  I 
walked  through  the  hall.  It  made  a  strong  impression  upon 
my  mind,  as  everything  did  when  Mr.  -Bean,  in  a  serious 
manner,  emphasized  his  remarks  upon  it.  I  was  going  to  the 
lady  who  was  to  be  Mrs.  Batkins,  and  intended  to  read  her  a 
speech  that  I  had  made  for  a  debating  club,  of  which  I  had 
been  made  a  member.  One  of  the  great  questions  of  the  day 
was  being  settled  in  Cranberry  Centre,  as  to  whether  a  meat 
or  vegetable  diet  was  most  conducive  to  health,  mental  activity, 
and  human  longevity.  As  usual,  I  adopted  a  middle  way, 
and  found  ancient  authority.  Bean's  strong  language  rather 
deranged  my  ideas.  I  did  not  read  it  to  Amanda,  but  I  will 
refer  to  the  matter  in  another  chapter. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  423 


CHAPTER  LVII. 

PYTHAGORAS. 

NOT  having  abandoned  my  idea  as  to  going  again  to  the 
State  House  in  Boston,  under  the  instruction  of  Mr.  Birch,  I 
was  endeavoring  to  learn  something  upon  those  topics  out  of 
which  sermons,  speeches,  and  lectures  were  composed.  I  could 
get  some  information  from  the  minister,  rather  more  from  the 
doctor,  and,  I  repeat  it  again,  from  the  theatre  plays.  I  heard 
a  learned  man  speak  about  the  transmigration  of  souls.  As 
things  were  going  on  in  Cranberry  Centre,  I  was  not  pre 
pared  to  determine  how  this  transmigration  squared  with  the 
doctor's  seven-year  changes.  Some  people  said  all  such  ideas 
were  chimerical,  and  this  one,  started  by  an  old  heathen  phi 
losopher,  by  the  name  of  Pythagoras,  was  the  most  absurd  of 
all.  On  one  of  my  visits  to  Boston  a  friendly  acquaintance, 
that  I  made  there  when  I  was  in  the  Legislature,  invited  me 
to  go  to  the  theatre.  He  said,  on  the  "  blending  instruction  with 
amusement "  plan  I  could  learn  more  of  the  duties  of  legisla 
tion  than  I  could  at  temperance  lectures,  or  the  circus  show. 
Both  of  these  institutions  I  occasionally  found  it  pleasant  to 
attend  and  patronize,  when  it  was  no  expense  to  me.  As  I  have 
before  related,  I  had  been  to  the  Museum  playhouse  a  number 
of  times.  I  was  pleased  always  to  enter  that  instructive  tem 
ple.  The  sensations  created  within  me,  on  the  occasion  of  my 
first  visit,  to  this  day  have  not  been  obliterated.  I  mean  the 
visit  to  the  playhouse  part,  not  to  the  collection  of  animals,  the 
mermaid,  and  the  waxwork,  although  I  was  pleased  and 
instructed  at  that  time  with  the  natural  curiosities. 


424  LIFE    OF 

I  understood  a  little  better  the  workings  of  things  on  the 
stage  at  this  time.  I  thought  the  people,  as  they  came  into 
the  theatre,  —  I  did  not  put  the  name  into  my  book,  and  I 
have  forgotten  it,  —  were  of  a  different  pattern.  They  were 
all  dressed  up  nice,  more  as  if  they  were  going  to  meeting ;  they 
looked  more  serious ;  and  though  they  smiled  at  each  other 
when  friends  met,  still  it  did  not  appear  to  me  that  they 
expected  to  laugh  much.  I  did  not  think  there  was  so  much 
smell  of  peppermint  and  allspice  as  I  had  noticed  in  other 
places ;  when  the  ladies  moved  about  or  stirred  their  hand 
kerchiefs,  the  air  appeared  to  be  filled  with  a  rose-water 
smell.  I  shall  not  describe  the  theatre  ;  it  was  full  of  people 
when  the  picture  on  the  stage  rolled  up.  The  name  of  the 
pjay  was  Damon  and  Pythias.  I  have  been  told  there  really 
were  two  such  men,  and  that  they  were  great  friends.  I  was 
somewhat  doubtful,  you  understand.  I  had  never  heard  of 
them.  I  obtained  some  political  ideas  from  this  play.  I  do 
not  intend  to  enumerate  them.  I  wish  I  had  heard  this  play 
when  I  was  in  the  General  Court. 

The  name  of  the  actor  who  was  representing  Damon,  as  Mr. 
Warren  represented  me,  I  supposed  without  ever  seeing  the 
real  Damon,  was  Mr.  Edwin  Forrest.  He  was  in  the  Legis 
lature  of  the  town  where  he  lived,  —  it  appeared  in  the  upper 
branch.  Either  his  credentials  were  not  right,  or  he  was  not 
going  to  vote  right ;  they  ordered  him  to  leave  ;  he  declined  to  do 
so.  and  eventually  they  called  the  militia  of  the  place -to  put  him 
out.  I  shall  never  forget  what  Mr.  Forrest  said,  and  how  he  said 
it :  "I  stand  a  Senator,  within  the  Senate  house."  He  folded 
his  arms,  and  looked  at  them  with  disdain  and  dignity. 

I  will  relate  at  this  time  what  occurred  at  a  town-meeting. 
When  some  of  the  people  wanted  to  put  me  out  of  the 
building,  the  image  of  Mr.  Forrest  came  to  mind  then. 
I  looked  about,  and  spoke,  not,  perhaps,  with  his  muscular 
attitude,  nor  his  stentorian  voice,  but  to  the  astonishment  of 


JEFFERSON  S.   B ATKINS.  425 

my  former  constituents.  I  said,  "  Mr.  Moderator,  I  stand  a 
citizen  of  Cranberry  Centre,  as  I  once  stood  a  member  of  the 
General  Court  in  Boston  State  House,  and  now,  as  then,  I 
demand  my  rights."  The  people  clapped  their  hands  for  me 
as  they  did  for  Mr.  Forrest,  and  no  one  undertook  to  put  me 
out.  The  "  County  Gazette  "  gave  an  account  of  the  meeting, 
and,  in  reference  to  it,  said  as  follows  :  u  Our  esteemed  friend, 
the  ex-member,  Mr.  Batkins,  created  a  great  sensation  by 
this  unexpected  outbreak  of  concealed  and  suppressed  indigna 
tion.  It  was  a  natural  burst  of  original  eloquence."  I  assure 
my  friends  I  did  not  pay  the  "  County  Gazette  "  anything 
for  its  insertion  in  their  impartial  columns,  nor  did  I  ever 
give  a  hint  to  anybody  where  I  got  the  idea,  you  understand. 

Perhaps  many  of  my  readers  have  seen  this' play,  and  can 
call  to  mind  how  Mr.  Forrest  looked,  and  can  form  some  idea 
of  my  appearance  in  the  town  meeting.  The  politics  of  the  play 
was  instructive  to-  me,  but  something  altogether  diiferent 
turned  the  current  of  my  thought  into  a  channel  of  classical 
learning. 

I  heard  some  of  the  performers  say  that  Senator  Damon  was  a 
11  poor  and  talking  pedant  of  the  school  of  dull  Pythagoras  ;"  and 
I  thought  if  Mr.  Pythagoras  could  turn  out  of  his  school  such 
men  as  Damon  I  would  hunt  up  his  history  and  have  a  talk 
over  it  with  the  school  committee  of  our  town.  So,  if  I  know 
anything  about  the  transmigration  of  souls,  this  was  the  way  I 
got  on  to  the  track  of  useful  knowledge  in  that  direction.  If 
the  doctrine  he  taught  has  made  any  impression  on  me  it  will 
be  discovered  in  my  description  of  men. 

It  does  appear  to  me  sometimes  that  some  men's  souls  have 
had  a  course  of  instruction  in  the  bodies  of  other  animals,  they 
partake  so  much  of  their  characteristics.  But  for  myself  I  am 
unable  to  recognize  in  my  own  case  any  prebodied  life.  My 
first  recollections  are  of  Batkins,, and  my  thoughts  continue 
in  this  affinity  up  to  the  present  time.  But  I  want  to  observe, 


426  L1FK    OF 

you  understand,  just  at  this  time  and  place,  that  I  began  to 
consider  that  to  get  a  certain  amount  of  learning,  if  a  good 
memory  was  in  the  case,  was  not  a  very  difficult  matter.  It 
was  no  uncommon  thing  after  a  member  had  made  a  great 
speech  founded  upon  a  classic  history,  and  introducing  anec 
dotes  of  Julius  Caesar,  Hannibal,  Christopher  Columbus,  and 
Cicero,  when  I  came  to  ask  him  some  question  as  to  the 
case  in  hand,  he  knew  very  little  more  then  he  had  expressed 
in  his  speech.  I  will,  in  justice,  say  of  some  others,  who  sel 
dom  made  any  reference  to  these  heroes,  while  discussing  a 
question  of  Massachusetts  policy,  and  who  did  not  use  any 
quotation  from  historical  memoirs,'  that  they  would  give  me  at 
once  a  satisfactory  answer,  and  in  language  as  easy  to  understand 
as  the  stories  in  the  primer,  or  my  favorite  "  Robinson  Crusoe." 

Now,  I  have  read  a  good  deal  about  Pythagoras,  but  I  do 
not  propose  to  give  his  history,  as  I  assume  that  most  of  my 
readers  know  all  about  him  ;  still,  as  a  celebrated  lecturer 
said  in  a  speech,  "  for  the  benefit  of  the  scholars  of  the  Sun 
day  school,  who,  perhaps,  have  not  yet  arrived  at  that  state  of 
learning  which  includes  the  lives  of  heathen  philosophers,"  I 
will  state  that  he  was  born  about  five  hundred  years  before 
Caesar's  time  as  Pythagoras,  though  he  remembered  himself 
as  somebody  else  a  long  time  before.  When  and  where  he 
died  is  not  known.  In  consequence  of  this  omission  of  his 
biographer,  I  have  no  doubt,  in  accordance  with  the  spirit  of 
progress  which  "  goeth  about  seeking  whom  it  may  devour," 
some  one  of  these  agents  of  progress  will  prove  yet  that  no 
such  person  as  Pythagoras  ever  lived. 

It  is  not  easy  to  explain  how  different  events  in  the  lives  of 
great  men  will  make  impressions,  more  or  less  distinct,  upon 
the  different  minds  of  different  individuals ;  and,  while  I  con 
fess  to  great  admiration  for  many  of  the  propositions  and 
teachings  of  the  great  ancient  philosophers,  one  struck  me 
as  a  singular  illustration  of  the  saying  that  "there  is  nothing 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  427 

new  under  the  sun,"  and  that  one  I  used  on  the  occasion 
when  a  question  of  philosophy  was  being  discussed  as  to 
which  was  better  for  health,  a  flesh  or  a  vegetable  diet.  And 
I  assure  my  readers  I  received  credit  on  that  occasion  for  my 
classical  learning.  I  said,  "Pythagoras  forbade  his  dis 
ciples  to  eat  flesh,  and  everybody  knows  who  Pythagoras 
was."  The  applause  bestowed  upon  me  was  convincing  proof 
that  they  did  all  know  who  he  was ;  and  the  vegetarian  side 
of  the  house  welcomed  the  new  supporter  of  their  doctrine. 
When  the  echoes  of  their  approbation  had  died  away,  I  con 
tinued  :  "  Pythagoras  also  forbade  his  disciples  to  eat  beans." 
This  caused  a  sort  of  subdued  expression  of  dissatisfaction  by 
the  bean-eaters,  as  may  be  supposed  when  I  add  the  discussion 
was  going  on  in  the  presence  of  a  New  England  audience, 
who  had  listened  to  the  production  of  ancient  authority 
against  the  use  of  our  almost  national  Sunday  dinner. 

I  have  been  asked  why  Pythagoras  denounced  beans.  Of 
course  I  do  not  know,  but  suppose  it  had  something  to  do  with 
the  transmigration  of  souls,  he  thinking  beans  were  formed 
of  the  same  material  out  of  which  man  was  originally  created, 
and,  therefore,  to  encourage  their  use  as  food  was  truly  to  en 
courage  cannibalism,  and  make  of  us  all  man-eaters.  If  so, 
what  nonsense  was  it  to  send  missionaries  to  the  Feegee 
Islands  !  I  referred  all  curious  questioners  to  history  itself 
to  settle  for  themselves  this  question ;  and  I-  do  the  same  to 
my  friendly  reader. 

My  coadjutor,  after  reading  this  chapter,  informed  me  that 
whether  Pythagoras  thought  as  I  represent  it,  or  not,  he  was 
correct.  I  repeat  what  he  said,  without  being  responsible  for 
modern  science,  or  the  discovery  of  its  facts.  I  give  his 
words:  "Mr.  Batkins,  vegetable  and  animal  life  proceed  from 
the  same  cell-formation ;  and  if  the  cell  of  a  man,  a 
woman,  an  elephant,  a  fish,  a  bird,  a  pea,  or  a  bean,  were 
placed  in  the  field  of  a  microscope  of  any  known  power,  the 


428  LIFE    OF 

observer  would  be  unable  to  distinguish  one  from  the  other." 
I  commend  the  consideration  of  this  matter  to  the  lovers  of 
baked  beans,  though  I  hardly  believe  we  shall  see  the  day 
when  such  a  transformation  will  take  place  as  this,  —  that  the 
beans  will  eat  the  individual.  Yet  such  is  the  astonishing 
progress  of  modern  science  that  I  should  not  dare  to  say  it 
will  not  be  discovered  to  have  happened.  My  coadjutor  says 
such  changes  actually  do  take  place.  I  cannot  follow  the 
subject  further  at  this  time;  but,  as  to  the  friendship  part  of 
the  play,  I  think  the  race  of  Damons  and  Pythiases  are  ex 
tinct  ;  and  here  again  I  wish  to  remark  that  ;i  there  is  noth 
ing  new  under  the  sun." 

I  have  thought  of  Mr.  Forrest  a  great  many  times  since, 
and  I  have  seen  him  play  several  historical  characters. 
I  don't  think,  however,  that  his  scene  in  the  Senate  House, 
where  he  was  trying  to  talk  the  senators  into  not  voting  to 
make  a  king  out  of  a  general,  will  ever  be  obliterated  from  my 
mind.  I  thought  to  myself  if  we  ever  in  this  country  get  any 
such  sneaking  fellows  for  senators  as  they  had  in  the  town  or 
kingdom  where  Damon  and  Pythias  made  it  their  home,  they 
would  do  just  about  the  same  thing  as  they  did  there. 

But  I  want  to  say  this  for  Mr.  Forrest.  If  I  never  see  him 
again,  and  if  he  reads  this  life  of  mine, —  I  want  him  to  read  it, 
—  first,  I  want  to  apologize  to  him  for  asking  Mr.  Warren  if  he 
made  as  much  fun  as  he  did.  I  think  Mr.  Warren  is  a  master 
actor  in  his  part  of  the  trade,  or  art  as  some  call  it.  I  have 
seen  him  acting  an  old  man, —  I  can't  remember  what  his 
name  was, —  and  I  felt  the  tears  coming  down  my  cheeks 
when  there  was  no  wind  or  dust  in  them,  just  as  if  it  was  all 
real.  Now,  I  hope  Mr. Warren  will  not  feel  affronted  if  I  give 
my  opinion  that  I  really  do  not  think  he  could  play  Damon  as 
Mr.  Forrest  did,  if  he  was  dressed  up  just  like  him,  although, 
as  far  as  size  goes,  he  might  make  a  good-looking  senator  of 
that  period,  whenever  it  was  ;  and,  on  the  other  hand,  I  hope 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  429 

Mr.  Forrest  will  not  be  affronted  if  I  give  alike  opinion  to  this 
effect,  that  I  do  not  think  he  could  play  Mr.  Warren's  parts 
and  create  as  much  amusement,  if  I  am  a  judge. 

But  I  came  to  this  conclusion,  from  what  I  have  heard  and 
what  I  have  seen,  —  that  these  two  gentleman,  when  they  are 
on  the  stage,  come  nearer  to  my  idea  of  brain-acting  than 
any  other  performers  I  ever  saw,  no  matter  what  country  they 
came  from.  Of  course  I  have  laughed  until  I  almost  split  my 
waistcoat  at  the  clowns  in  the  circus,  and  at  a  very  comical  set 
of  Frenchmen,  that  did  cut  up  amusing  didos,  without  speaking 
a  word.  I  have  seen  monkeys  do  that;  but  that  is  not 
exactly  the  kind  of  holding  up  the  mirror  to  nature  that  I  fancy, 
nor  the  kind  that  Mr.  Warren  holds  up.  If  there  are  any 
young  men  that  think  of  learning  theatre  work  for  a  living,  I 
advise  them  to  see  Mr.  Forrest  and  Mr  Warren  ;  they  are  mas 
ters  at  the  trade.  If  any  country  in  the  world  can  furnish 
anything  better  than  these  two  Americans,  I  say,  send  them 
along.  I  am  under  obligations  to  both  of  these  gentlemen, — 
Mr.  Warren  for  representing  me ;  Mr.  Forrest  for  giving  me 
an  idea  of  a  patriotic  senator  a  true  friend,  and  making  me  ac 
quainted  with  the  history  of  the  philosopher  whose  name  heads 
this  chapter. 


430  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER    LVIII. 

FAMILY    SECRETS. 

BESIDES  writing  speeches  I  frequently  enlarged  with  mj 
pen  upon  matters  I  found  against  the  dates  in  the  "  Farmer's 
Almanac."  I  used  to  do  this  in  my  study,  or  library,  at  the 
homestead.  I  remember  once,  after  I  had  made  an  official 
visit  to  the  poor-farm,  I  put  down  on  paper  my  views  on 
crazy  people,  growing  out  of  conversations  I  had  with  a  woman 
who  had  a  notion  that  she  was  queen  of  England,  and  was 
always  riding  in  a  chariot  with  ten  horses,  and  yet  at  the 
same  time  she  was  dressed  in  a  most  singular  fashion  for  any 
body  with  a  pretty  good  idea  of  a  queen's  style.  The  town 
used  to  furnish  good,  respectable  calico  dresses  for  Martha,  — 
that  was  the  name  she  went  by,  —  but  she  would  never  wear  a 
dress  as  it  was  made  for  her.  She  would  tear  it  up,  and  with 
her  blanket  or  coverlid  over  her  shoulders  act  the  queen. 
Now,  with  her  way  of  putting  on  these  rags,  not  hardly  suf 
ficient  to  cover  up  anybody's  nudity  if  it  was  any  ways  cold, 
she  presented  an  appearance  that  I  never  saw  before  or  since, 
except  once,  when  I  was  in  Boston  at  the  theatre.  I  went  to 
see  a  girl,  —  a  lady,  I  suppose  I  should  say.  Her  name  was 
printed  on  the  play-bills,  Miss  Charlotte  Cushman.  She 
seemed  to  be.  however,  quite  an  old  lady,  and  had  on  some 
thing  such  a  looking  dress  as  Martha  had  on  when  she  was 
acting  out  the  queen  of  England.  If  any  of  my  readers 
have  seen  Miss  Cushman  in  this  ragged  woman's  part,  they 
can  form  an  idea  how  Martha  looked,  and  if  they  have  not. 
they  can  ask  somebody  who  has,  for  there  were  many  people 


JEVVKRSOIT  S.    RATKJXS.  •  431 

in  the  theatre  the  night  I  saw  the  play,  and  I  have  been  told 
that  she  has  played  in  this  play  several  times  in  the  course  of 
her  career.  I  am  bad  at  describing  ladies'  dresses,  and  this 
reference  must  suffice. 

Martha  had  lived,  when  she  was  a  girl,  at  our  homestead, 
before  the  death  of  my  mother,  and  although  she  had  good 
offers  of  marriage  from  thrifty  young  farmers1  sons,  and  well- 
to-do  mechanics,  she  preferred  a  fellow  who  went  round  with  a 
circus  show,  dressed  out  in  spangles  and  feathers,  which  put 
out  of  her  mind  all  her  more  reputable  admirers.  She  went 
off  with  him  to  Canada,  and  was  married ;  in  a  year  or  two 
she  returned,  said  she  was  a  widow,  and  associated  with  the 
people  of  Gypsy  Village,  and  earned  with  them  a  precarious 
living,  by  basket-making,  fortune-telling,  and  other  less  rep 
utable  practices.  Some  folks  thought  then  that  she  was 
crazy.  She  was  always  talking  about  riding  in  chariots,  and 
being  queen,  which  the  doctor  said  was  a  sort  of  delusion 
growing  out  of  Bthe  circus  business,  in  which  she  said  she  had 
been  engaged.  As  she  was  harmless,  for  many  years  she 
was  allowed  to  wander  about  in  this  way,  refusing  to  go  to 
the  poor-farm  until  later  in  her  life  she  was  compelled  to  do  so. 

Martha  had  some  knowledge  of  "  Mrs.  Simms'  man,"  which 
she  frequently  mysteriously  referred  to,  and  said  if  she  should 
tell  what  she  knew,  some  folks  in  Cranberry  Centre  would 
not  hold  their  heads  so  high ;  but  as  she  never  mentioned 
names,  no  clue  had  yet  been  discovered  as  to  the  truth  or  fal 
sity  of  her  assertions,  and  they  were  considered  as  the  mere 
ravings  of  insanity  and  were  little  heeded.  As  I  had  talked 
with  Dr.  Slawter  often  about  insanity,  and  hereditary  dis 
eases,  I  was  much  interested  in  Martha's  case.  There  were 
at  this  time  some  curious  stories  afloat  about *Mr.  Feathergilt 
when  he  lived  in  Leadenville.  Some  thought  he  was  insane, 
and  as  I  was  to  marry  into  the  family  I  did  not  desire  to  have 
any  mixture  of  this  disease  in  the  Batkins  blood,  in  case  the 


432  LIFK    OF 

marriage  of  Amanda  and  myself  should  result  in  offspring,  — 
a  thing  so  much  desired  by  my  father,  who  often  said,  you 
understand,  that  the  name  of  Batkins  had  always  been  on  the 
voting  fist  of  Cranberry  Centre,  and  he  hoped  it  would  never 
be  otherwise.  These  reports  induced  me  to  visit  the  poor- 
farm,  and,  if  possible,  ascertain  the  truth  from  Martha,  who 
was  said  to  be  implicated  in  some  scandalous  stories  in  connection 
with  Mr.  Feathergilt,  whether  true  or  false.  I  had  not  arrived 
at  the  end  of  my  investigation  before  other  stories  were  circu 
lated  as  to  the  soundness  of  mind  of  Mr.  Feathergilt  in  rela 
tion  to  financial  matters.  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  had  re 
turned  from  Washington,  at  the  advice  of  Mr.  Bean.  Dr. 
Slawter  had  been  consulted,  who  recommended  that  a  distin 
guished  physician  of  an  asylum  for  the  insane  should,  with 
him,  visit  Mr.  Feathergilt.  and  determine  what,  in  their  judg 
ment,  was  his  condition  of  mind. 

The  visit  was  made.  The  result  of  the  doctor's  inspection 
was  an  opinion  that,  though  Mr.  Feathergilt  was  somewhat 
depressed  in  spirits,  he  was  by  no  manner  insane,  nor,  in  their 
judgment,  likely  to  be.  The  doctors  advised,  however,  that  he 
should  not  be  disturbed  by  business  matters,  and  it  was  decided 
that  he  and  Amanda  should  go  to  the  other  side  of  the  river 
to  a  friend's  house,  for  a  few  days,  and  then  it  was  thought  a 
voyage  to  Europe  would  be  beneficial.  To  consider  these 
matters  Mr.  Bean  had  suggested  that  himself,  Mr.  Horace 
Feathergilt,  and  myself,  should  look  over  matters,  and  then 
decide  upon  future  movements. 

The  library  at  Swansdown  Terrace  was  selected  as  the 
place  of  meeting,  and  on  the  day  and  hour  appointed  I  was 
there.  Bean,  as  usual,  did  pretty  much  all  the  talking,  and 
explained  to  us  the  situation  of  the  firm  as  shown  by  the  books, 
and  other  records  of  the  business  of  the  firm.  Mr.  Horace 
Feathergilt  expressed  himself  as  astounded  at  the  result,  and 
began  at  first  quietly,  and  afterwards  with  some  spirit,  to 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  433 

doubt  Mr.  Bean's  statement  of  affairs,  expressing  also  great 
surprise  that  his  father  should  have  allowed  Bean  thus  to 
manage  his  business. 

Bean,  as  placid  as  a  picture  of  an  angel,  after  listening 
to  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt,  remarked,  if  Mr.  Feathergilt, 
junior,  had  attended  more  to  business  and  less  to  his  per 
sonal  enjoyments,  he  would  have  known  more  of  his  father's 
condition ;  and  that,  in  fact,  his  neglect  had  more  or  less 
influence  in  producing  the  state  of  mind  his  father  was  now 
suffering  from. 

Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  thought  Mr.  Bean  had  better  with 
draw  from  the  management,  and  let  Mr.  Batkins  and  himself, 
with  the  advice  of  Mr.  Seth  Spring,  adjust  the  affairs  of  the 
concern,  and  in  so  many  words  communicated  these  ideas  to 
Mr.  Bean,  and  appealed  to  me  as  to  my  opinion  upon  the 
matter. 

Bean  laughed  loudly.  l  i  A  pretty  trio !  Mr.  Horace  Feather- 
gilt,  you  are  a  member  of  Congress,  —  I  made  you  so  ;  Jef 
ferson  S.  Batkins,  ex-member  of  the  Legislature  ;  —  I  made 
him  so  ;. son-in-law  expectant  of  Peter  Feathergilt,  —  I  made 
him  so  ;  and  Seth  Spring,  a  friend  of  the  family,  who  will  do  as 
I  say.  And  you  would  restore  the  credit  of  Feathergilt  &  Co., 
that  I,  Aristarchus  Bean,  have  destroyed,  and  for  a  cause." 

"  You  ?  "  said  Mr.  Horace,  —  "  you  ?  " 

I  thought  as  I  supposed  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  thought, 
and  felt  as  I  supposed  he  felt ;  but  I  was  silent,  as  Bean 
held  up  his  forefinger,  shaking  it  at  me,  which  action,  to 
gether  with  a  threatening  glance,  deprived  me  at  the  moment 
of  the  power  of  speech. 

"Yes,  I;  and  I  have  been  a  long  while  at  it,"  was  Bean?s 
response.  "  I  have  told  your  father  why,  and  I  will  tell  you  ; 
perhaps  to  satisfy  you  I  must  say  more  to  you  than  it  was 
necessary  to  say  to  him." 

".Well,  sir,  I  will  listen;  but  what  my  father  could  have 


434  L1FK    OF 

done  to  so  injure  you  that  you  should  retaliate  by  robbing 
him  of  his  money  and  destroying  the  peace  and  happiness  of 
his  home,  I  am  at  a  loss  to  surmise." 

"There's  bad  blood  in  the  family,  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt. 
Your  father  robbed  my  mother  of  her  peace  and  happiness, 
and  made  me  the  inheritor  of  her  name  and  shame.  I  am  your 
half-brother,  Horace  Feathergilt,  on  the  worst  side ;  half  your 
father's  wealth,  inherited  and  acquired,  should  be  mine.  I 
should  have  been  your  equal.  Instead  of  being  an  indepen 
dent  gentleman,  as  you  have  been,  I  might  have  lived  a 
bastard  outcast,  a  hireling  drudge ;  by  my  own  efforts  I  have 
avoided  this  condition,  and  not  from  his  sympathy,  or  sense  of 
right." 

"  If  this  be  true,  which  I  do  not  believe,  it  is  no  excuse  for 
treachery,  robbery,  and  perhaps  greater  crime." 

Mr.  Horace  was  angry,  and  a  proud,  defiant  look  brought 
Mr.  Bean  speedily  to  his  side.  I  feared  there  might  be 
violence,  yet  I  hesitated  as  to  any  interference. 

Bean  replied,  "  You  may  not  believe  me,  sir,  but  when  the 
time  comes  I  will  furnish  proof." 

"  When  did  this  devilish  scheme  enter  your  mind?  " 

"I  will  tell  you."  Bean  appeared  to  be  making  great 
efforts  to  suppress  his  passions.  "Long  ago.  Years  have 
passed  since  your  father's  father  —  my  grandfather  — 
suddenly  came  to  his  death,  thrown  from  his  carriage  at  his 
own  door.  You  and  I  were  boys ;  perhaps  you  may  not  re 
member  the  funeral.  I  do.  I  followed  into  the  church  this 
train  of  mourners.  I  listened  to  a  discourse  about  the  pa 
triotism,  benevolence,  and  worth  of  the  departed,  and  a 
prayer  that  these  virtues  might  descend  to  the  son.  Did 
they  so  ?  Where  was  I  then  ?  Sneaking  like  a  beggar  into 
an  obscure  seat  in  the  gallery,  boarded  off  for  the  parish  poor. 
Your  father  —  with  your  honest  mother,  leading  you  by  the 
hand  —  passed  down  the  carpeted  aisle,  while  the  swell  of  the 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  435 

organ  echoed  the  funeral  dirge  from  the  roof  above.  The 
thought  then  came  to  me,  where  is  my  mother?  Why  does 
she  not  lead  me  to  our  grandfather's  funeral  with  them  ? 
At  the  thought  the  hot  tears  burned  my  eyes ;  my  teeth 
tightened  like  a  vice  ;  my  hands  clenched  while  the  nails  were 
piercing  the  skin  of  the  wounded  palms,  filling  them  with 
blood.  I  swore  an  oath  in  whispered  words,  but  with  deter 
mined  will,  that  if  I  lived  I  would  be  revenged  on  your  father 
and  on  you.  I  have  been  in  part ;  I  will  be  in  full." 

Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  was  endeavoring  to  subdue  the  pas 
sion  excited  by  Mr.  Bean's  statement  and  concluding  threats. 
He  replied  with  firmness,  evincing  more  manly  qualities  than 
I  had  thought  he  possessed  :  — 

"  Mr.  Bean,  I  am  not  responsible  for  my  father's  frailty, 
even  if  what  you  insinuate  be  true ;  I  do  not  perceive  why 
my  sister  or  myself  should  suffer  for  sins  of  which  others  are 
accused  ;  but,  sir,  I  deny  your  charge,  and  will  resist  your 
efforts  to  complete  the  revenge  you  threaten,  and  that  you 
have  succeeded  in  part  in  accomplishing." 

Bean  appealed  to  me  :  "  Sir,  unless  you  have  something  to 
advance,  I  think  this  conference  better  terminate  here." 

I  signified  that  I  had  nothing  to  say.  As  yet  Bean  had 
not  proposed  to  do  me  any  harm,  but  after  I  had  spoken  he 
came  to  me.  "  Mr.  Batkins,  you  are  interested  in  this  matter, 
in  consequence  of  a  proposed  alliance  with  the  family  by  mar 
riage.  You  shall  not  suffer  in  any  pecuniary  way  by  the 
bankruptcy  of  the  firm  of  which  your  prospective  father-in-law 
was  the  principal.  I  would  have  married  Miss  Feathergilt  my 
self,  but  a  man  may  not  marry  his  sister,  as  I  was  about  to  say 
to  you  upon  an  occasion  which  you  may  remember,  when  you 
asked  me  why  I  did  not  marry  Amanda  myself." 

I  said  I  did  remember  the  occasion,  and  he  did  say  "  A  man 
may  not  marry  his  grandmother,"  instead.  He  paid  little 
attention  to  my  reply,  but  advanced  to  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt. 


436  LIFE    OF 

"You  were  pleased  to  say,  sir,   that,  in   your  opinion,   this 
conference  had  better  terminate  here.     I  agree  with  you." 

"Leave  my  house  then." 

"Whose  house?" 

"My  father's." 

"Ah,  for  the  present  it  is.  I  shall  dispute  the  title  to  it 
before  long,  and  may  require  you  to  leave  it  with  as  little 
ceremony  as  you  consider  necessary  to  use  with  me.  When 
you  know  better  who  I  am,  you  will  regret  this  indignity,  Mr. 
Horace  Feathergilt.  '  Pride  will  have  a  fall.'  I  wish  you 
a  good-evening,  and  peace  of  mind  until  we  meet  again.  My 
services  are  yet  unrequited  that  made  you  the  Hon.  Horace 
Feathergilt."  This  was  spoken  in  that  ironic  tone,  accom 
panied  with  a  sneer,  for  which  Bean  had  a  peculiar  delight, 
and  which  struck  Mr.  Horace  with  all  the  force  the  insult 
was  intended  to  produce.  I  felt  almost  like  doing  something 
myself.  Mr.  Horace  started  forward,  exclaiming,  "  You  are 
a  villain  and  liar!"  then,  restraining  himself,  said,  "I  can 
not  blame  the  men  of  fiery  blood,  who,  when  deceived  and 
wronged  as  I  have  been,  seek  for  justice  with  their  own  hands, 
nor  wait  the  chances  of  retribution  upon 'the  guilty  from  the 
slow  and  doubtful  action  of  courts  of  law.  Leave  my  house, 
sir,  or  I  may  commit  a  murder." 

Bean  passed  his  hand  lightly  over  his  hat,  as  if  displacing 
some  obtrusive  object,  and  .put  it  upon  his  head,  saying, 
"  You  will  not  commit  a  murder:  you  are  too  respectable  for 
that.  You  are  a  full-blooded  Feathergilt;  I  only  a  half- 
breed.  I  might  commit  a  murder,  and  I  would,  if  it  were 
necessary  to  complete  the  task  I  have  set  myself.  Mr.  Batkins, 
you  will  accompany  me,  sir ;  I  have  some  unsettled  business 
yet  with  this  family,  in  which  you  may  be  interested." 

I  was  in  an  awkward  position,  but  I  decided  to  comply  with 
Bean's  request;  so  I  followed  him,  saying,  as  I  left  the  room, 
"  I  will  call  on  you  to-morrow,  Mr.  Feathergilt;  in  the  mean 
time  I  will  hear  what  Mr.  Bean  has  to  say." 


JEFFERSON  S.   £  ATKINS.  437 


CHAPTER    LIX.  ^ 

MYSTERIES. 

Otf  my  way  home  with  Mr.  Bean,  he  questioned  me  as  to 
any  conversation  I  might  have  had  with  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  in 
respect  of  his  agreement  with  her.  At  that  time  I  had  no 
knowledge  of  its  nature.  He  inquired,  also,  if  Martha,  the 
lunatic  of  the  poor-farm,  was  still  alive,  as  it  had  been  reported 
she  was  ill  of  some  dangerous  malady. 

I  gave  him  all  the  information  in  my  power  as  to  Martna's 
condition,  and  asked  him  why  he  was  interested  in  her,  as  I 
had  never  heard  him  say  anything  about  her  since  the  time 
she  used  to  visit  the  store,  selling  brimstone  matches  and 
baskets. 

"  Batkins,  that  woman  Martha  knows  who  were  my 
parents,  and  if  these  Feathergilts  are  troublesome,  I  shall 
have  to  prove  what  you  heard  me  say  as  to  my  paternity." 

"  But,"  said  I,  "  Bean,  what  sort  of  a  witness  would  a  crazy- 
woman  be  in  a  court?  " 

"That  depends  upon  circumstances,"  he  said;  "she  might 
not  be  a  legal  witness,  but  if  her  story  corroborated  other  tes 
timony,  and  agreed  circumstantially  with  other  incidents  in 
the  case,  morally  it  would  have  weight.  Batkins,  I  have 
done  it.  I  always  told  you  I  would  do  it.  I  am  the  greatest 
man  in  Cranberry  Centre,  and  I  have  put  down  the  Feather- 
gilts,  all  but  your  wife,  that  is  to  be.  If  she  marries  you, 
you  shall  lose  nothing  in  a  pecuniary  way ;  but,  Batkins,  you 
must  stick  to  me.  I  have  trusted  you ;  you  must  trust  me. 


438  LIFE    OF 

I  came  to  this  town  to  do  a  work,  —  a  slow  job  ;  but  I  have 
done  it." 

I  said,  "Bean,  where  did  you  come  from?  You  were 
not  born  in  Cranberry  Centre." 

"  No,  the  first  that  I  knew  anything  about  myself  I  was  in 
Canada ;  then  I  came  to  the  town  where  old  Feathergilt's 
father  lived,  and  there  I  saw  the  funeral ;  then  I  went  into 
another  State  ;  there  I  became  acquainted  with  Aram  Andriss. 
He  brought  me  here,  and  placed  me  in  Deacon  Smoothe's  store ; 
there  I  was  introduced  to  you,  and  from  that  time  to  now  you 
know  how  things  have  been  with  me.  But  it  is  come  ;  my 
work  is  almost  finished.  When  it  is,  what  will  people  say  of 
Aristarchus  Bean?  " 

He  seemed  to  be  in  a  good  humor  for  talking  ;  so  I  thought 
I  would  inquire  a  little  further  into  his  history.  I  continued, 
u  Bean,  where  did  you  go  to  school?  " 

"  In  Canada.  Don't  ask  me  anything  about  what  I  did 
before  I  knew  you.  It  gives  me  a  headache  to  think  of  it." 

I  saw  it  would  be  useless  to  go  on,  so  I  changed  my  con 
versation.  I  asked  him  if  he  thought  Mr.  Feathergilt  was 
deranged. 

He  said:  "No.  It  is  a  tough  family;  the  old  man  can 
stand  a  good  deal  of  rough  handling ;  but  'for  a  fall  from  his 
carriage  his  father  might  have  been  alive  now;"  and  with  a 
strong  oath,  which  it  is  not  necessary  to  repeat,  "  I  will 
fix  his  flint.  He  goes  driving  about  every  day  in  that  phaeton, 
that  either  you  or  I,  or  both  of  us,  gave  to  Amanda ;  don't 
he?" 

"  He  does,"  I  replied. 

"  Alone  over  the  bridge  road  ?  " 

I  told  him  he  did  not ;  usually  Miss  Feathergilt  attended 
him. 

"I  will  not  take  the  phaeton  from  her,  nor  the  ponies,  but 
I  will  skin  the  old  fellow  and  the  member  of  Congress  before 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  439 

«• 

I  am  done,  unless  the  old  man  acknowledges  me  as  his  son, 
and  then  I  will  divide  equally  with  my  brother  and  sister,  and 
between  us  the  old  gentleman  shall  be  well  cared  for.  My 
mother  shall  have  a  monument  over  her  grave,  as  well  as  the 
mother  of  the  other  two.  Is  not  that  fair,  Batkins  ?  You  see 
you  are  one  of  the  family." 

I  said  I  thought  it  was  fair  enough,  if  Mr.  Eeathergilt 
would  agree  to  it. 

"  He  must  agree  to  it,"  said  he ;  "  and  you  must  tell  him 
so.  Do  you  go  where  he  is  ?  " 

I  told  him  I  did. 

"  Then  you  tell  him  he  must  come  alone,  and  meet  me  in 
the  evening  of  a  day  I  will  appoint,  and  bring  with  him  the 
papers  he  talked  about.  He  must  meet  me  alone  ;  you  may 
be  present,  but  he  is  not  to  be  so  informed.  If  we  fail  to  come 
to  terms,  then  I  will  strike,  and  when  I  strike  Cranberry 
Centre  will  think  an  earthquake  has  visited  it,  Batkins.  Vesu 
vius  will  be  like  the  explosion  of  gunpowder  in  a  cooking-stove 
to  it." 

We  had  now  reached  that  part  of  the  street  where  it 
divided ;  my  way  to  the  homestead  was  in  a  direction  opposite 
to  that  which  led  to  the  residence  of  Mr.  Bean.  As  we 
parted  he  said,  "Batkins,  where  is  the  package  I  gave  you 
for  safe-keeping?  " 

I  told  him  it  was  at  the  homestead,  in  the  same  place  that 
I  kept  my  valuable  papers,  —  in  an  iron  box. 

"  All  right,"  he  said ;  "  if  I  do  not  arrange  affairs  with  my 
father,  Batkins.  — •  I  call  him  so  to  you ;  I  have  not  said 
as  much  out  of  the  family,  —  I  shall  want  that  package." 

I  said  he  could  have  it  at  any  time.  We  separated ;  he 
said,  "Good-night,  Batkins,"  and  went  his  way.  whistling 
some  merry  tune. 

I  did  not  know  what  to  think  of  affairs  as  they  stood. 
Some  of  Martha's  talk  seemed  as  if  she  kn$w  something  about 


440  LIFE    OF 

this  story ;  but  when  I  tried  to  make  her  answer  categorically, 
as  the  member  wanted  me  to  in  the  State  House,  her  replies 
were  vague  and  unsatisfactory,  and  that  is  precisely  the  con 
dition  I  was  in  when  I  attempted  to  fathom  Mr.  Bean's  sea 
of  mysteries.  Since  the  affair  of  the  sea-captain's  wife,  he 
never  invited  me  to  his  residence,  and  I  could  never  discover 
that  he  had  given  an  invitation  to  any  other  person.  He  had 
the  reputation  of  being  a  queer  old  bach ;  this  was  given  as  a 
reason  by  persons  discussing  the  question. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  441 


CHAPTER  LX. 

MY   STUDIES. 

I  WAS  in  my  library  a  few  days  after  our  meeting  at  Swans- 
down  Terrace,  which  terminated  so  abruptly  and  with  no  very- 
happy  results.  The  business  of  the  firm  was  going  on  as 
usual,  under  the  direction  of  Mr.  Bean,  who  had  arranged 
matters  at  the  bank.  Mr.  Horace  Feathergilt  submitted  to 
this,  under  the  advice  of  his  father,  as  the  only  way  to  pre 
vent  the  condition  of  aifairs  being  made  public. 

I  was  preparing  a  speech,  or  lecture,  I  was  invited  to  read 
at  the  lyceuin  of  the  town  of  Leadenville.  My  subject  was 
free  government,  and  the  advantage  it  is  to  some  people,  and 
the  disadvantage  it  is  to  others,  as  almost  everything  human 
is.  I  was  to  send  this  to  Amanda,  with  some  other  com 
positions,  to  read  to  her  father  a«  a  relaxation  to  his  some 
what  uneasy  mind.  Amanda  was  kept  in  ignorance  of  the 
true  state  of  affairs,  and  did  not  guess  the  true  cause  for  the 
change  in  domestic  matters.  I  found  much  information  and 
amusement  in  a  book  of  mythology,  by  which  I  learned  much 
about  Jupiter,  Hercules,  Venus,  Vulcan,  Juno,  and  all  the  gods 
and  goddesses  of  those  times.  A  queer  set  they  were,  if 
their  histories  are  true  !  I  thought  I  would  put  some  of  them 
into  my  lecture  on  free  government.  I  tried  a  little  rhetorical 
flourish  on  my  own  account,  which  was  corrected  afterwards 
by  Mr.  Birch.  I  prefer  to  preserve  this  specimen  as  originally 
written.  I  had  been  talking  about  those  patriotic  people  who 
are  so  willing  to  serve  their  country  even  when  government 
pays  small  wages.  I  asked  one  woman  one  day,  when  I  was 


442  LIFE    OF 

at  a  neighboring  city,  how  her  husband  could  live  in  such 
style  upon  the  pay  he  received,  which  was  nothing,  as  an 
alderman,  and  he  had  no  other  business.  She  said,  it  was 
the  pay  he  got  for  his  votes  when  any  job  was  under  way.  I 
did  not  exactly  understand  it  then,  you  understand ;  but  I 
give  my  idea  upon  it  generally  in  the  following  extract  from 
my  lecture :  — 

u  There,  Mr.  Chairman,  is  the  municipal  government,  like 
a  great  cow,  with  a  hundred  teats,  and  these  slinky  calves, 
with  as  many  mouths  in  their  heads  as  the  hydra  of  old,  and 
as  many  hands  as  the  giant  Briareus,  to  hold  on  to  the  teats, 
while  the  hundred  mouths  were  sucking  the  government 
milk." 

I  was  reading  this  over  to  myself  when  Mr.  Bean  came  in. 
I  was  enjoying  the  figure,  and  asked  Bean  what  he  thought 
of  it. 

He  said  he  did  not  care  to  express  an  opinion  on  any  such 
stuff.  He  came  on  business  ;  first,  he  wanted  to  meet  Mr. 
Feathergilt,  this  evening,  at  nine  o'clock,  at  the  homestead ; 
and  I  must  see  him  and  ensure  his  keeping  the  appointment. 

I  told  trim  I  would  do  asjie  requested. 

II  In  the  next  place,  Batkins.  give  me  the  package  I  handed 
to  you." 

I  opened  the  iron  box,  in  which  I  had  placed  it  with  my 
valuable  papers,  among  which  were  my  speeches,  and  handed  to 
him  the  package.  He  gave  me  the  receipt,  and  after  saying, 
"Here,  Batkins;  at  nine  o'clock  p.  M.,"  hastily  left  my 
library.  I  continued  engaged  in  my  speech-writing.  After 
a  while  Aunt  Dolly  entered  the  room,  saying  Miss  Feathergilt 
was  at.  the  door  in  her  phaeton,  and  desired  the  parcel  I  was 
to  send  to  her  father.  I  told  Aunt  Dolly  to  ask  Miss  Feather- 
gilt  to  come  in,  and  let  one  of  the  men  watch  the  ponies. 
Aunt  Dolly,  pleased  at  my  invitation,  left  the  room  with  my 
message.  I  had  spoken  to  Mr.  Feathergilt  about  this  meeting 


JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS.  443 

with  Mr.  Bean,  to  which  he  made  no  objection.  I  concluded 
I  would  write  him  on  the  subject.  I  did  so,  in  the  following 
words :  — 


"  Mr.  Bean  appoints  this  evening  at  nine  o'clock  for  tho  meeting  at  ray  house.     I 
have  promised  him  that  you  will  come  alone. 

"  J.  S.  BATKINS. 
"  P.  S.     If  anything  occurs  to  prevent,  send  me  word." 


I  had  just  finished  when  Amanda  came  in,  dressed  in  — 
Well,  I  never  could  describe  a  dress,  although  I  did  see  a  lady 
once  at  the  theatre  who  had  on  something  like  it,  but  cannot 
remember  the  name  of  the  play,  or  the  lady  that  wore  the 
dress.  It  was  very  becoming,  inasmuch  as  it  did  not  conceal 
some  parts  of  the  ''human  form  divine"  which  are  consid 
ered  attractive,  and  suggestive  of  the  "ex  pede  Herculem  " 
principle,  which  men  are  said  to  admire  very  much,  and 
which,  in  some  cases,  I  am  told,  are  extended  by  artificial  and 
artistic  means.  I  have  to  apologize  for  the  foreign  language, 
used  against  my  principle,  you  understand ;  but  Mr.  Birch 
thought  I  might  use  it  once  in  my  speech.  I  did  not,  and  have 
put  it  in  here.  I  think  it  fits  just  as  well. 

My  coadjutor  remarked,  in  relation  to  the  dress  referred  to  as 
displaying  Miss  Amanda's  form,  that  there  were  many  plays,  in 
which  ladies  who  had  been  riding  or  driving  were  represented, 
that  in  some  degree  were  like  that  I  described  to  him.  He 
asked  me  if  I  could  remember  anything  about  the  play, 
and  where  I  saw  it.  I  told  him  I  thought  it  was  at  the 
theatre  in  Howard  Street,  and  that  there  was  an  old  gentle 
man,  who  was  quite  a  beau ;  he  looked  fixed  up,  like  a  young 
man  who  had  had  the  gout  and  lived  high.  He  was  trying 
to  be  on  good  terms  with  the  lady,  who  had  a  very  small  hus 
band.  I  remember  one  thing  about  him.  She  said  when  she 
wanted  him,  she  always  whistled,  and  he  came.  My  coadjutor 
smiled.  It  was  usually  the  men  that  whistled,  he  said,  but  the 


444  LIFE    OF 

women  did  not  always  come.  "Mr.  Batkins,  the  play  you 
refer  to  was  'London  Assurance,'  and  the  lady  was  Mrs.  Jane 
Barrett,  who  was  representing  an  English  type  of  womanhood 
called  Lady  Gay  Spanker." 

I  take  his  word  for  it,  and  those  who  have  seen  Mrs.  Gay 
Spanker  will  get  some  idea  how  Amanda  was  dressed  on  this 
occasion.  I  know  this,  after  the  usual  compliments  of  the 
day  had  passed  between  us,  I  looked  first  at  her  reflection  in 
an  old-fashioned  mirror  that  was  hanging  against  the  wall,  which 
I  was  told  my  mother  used  to  take  great  delight  in  viewing 
herself  in,  —  as  Aunt  Dolly  had  it,  —  before  and  behind,  and 
both  sides.  I  judged  from  this  that  my  mother,  whom  I  have 
not  referred  to  often,  had  in  this  regard  the  same  idea  that 
other  women  have  had  since  calico,  satin,  and  velvet  have  put 
aside  the  original  fig-leaf  costume  of  the  first  dress-makers. 
This  reflection  of  Amanda  pleased  me  much,  and  the  thought 
did  actually  come  to  my  mind  that  she  was  created  probably 
purposely  for  me.  In  fact,  as  she  grew  in  stature,  or  rather 
in  plumptity,  I  thought  I  was  more  fond  of  contemplating  our 
union.  Now,  on  my  part,  mine  was  not  a  love  at  first  sight, 
if  it  was  any  love  at  all ;  but  time  and  circumstances  had 
changed  my  first  indifference  into  such  a  sort  of  respectable 
affection  for  Amanda  that  I  could  not  resist  telling  her  so  on 
this  occasion.  I  shall  not,  however,  pretend  to  recollect  the 
language  used.  I  dare  say  it  would  seem  silly  to  my  readers, 
and  perhaps  to  Amanda  and  myself,  if  repeated  at  this  day. 
Amanda,  at  this  time,  wore  large  yellow  leather  gloves,  and  I 
thought  to  kiss  her  hand  at  this  time  would  be  a  ridiculous 
affectation,  and  so  I  told  her.  Amanda  laughed,  said  I  was 
improving,  and  with  a  sort  of  curious  expression  in  her  eye, 
as  nearly  as  I  could  see  it,  she  said  it  would  be  more  difficult 
to  take  off  her  gloves  than  to  remove  her  veil.  This  she  did  ; 
the  expression  of  her  eyes  was  more  distinct,  and  now  impli 
cated,  I  thought,  her  lips ;  so  that  I  felt  a  sort  of  emotional 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  445 

twitter  around  ray  mouth.  I  was  about  to  decide  as  to  my  trans 
lation  of  the  mute  language  of  Amanda's  eyes  and  lips,  and 
was  approaching  her  for  the  purpose  of  a  closer  study,  when 
Aunt  Dolly  came  in,  without  knocking,  as  she  usually  did, 
and  my  decision  was  deferred  for  another  "session," — the 
old  idea  coming  up  again,  —  for  another  meeting.  Amanda 
dropped  her  veil,  and  appeared  to  be  doing  something  with  the 
end  of  the  long  whip  she  had  in  her  hand,  upon  the  ceiling. 
I  do  not  know  exactly  what  I  did.  I  suppose  I  whistled,  — 
an  accomplishment  I  was  not  expert  in,  but  generally" relied 
on  when  I  was  in  a  quandary,  or  did  not  know  exactly  what 
else  to  do. 

Aunt  Dolly,  though  not  naturally  suspicious  of  me,  and 
changed  in  regard  of  Amanda's  artful  advances,  appeared  as  if 
she  thought  she  had  interrupted  something  confidential,  and, 
after  a  pause,  said,  "  Jefferson,  am  I  in  the  way?  " 

I  said,  "  Certainly  not,  Aunt  Dolly;  only  we  did  not  hear 
you  come  in,  and  I  was  a  little  surprised/'3 

Aunt  Dolly  said  she  wanted  to  know  if  Miss  Feathergilt 
would  stay  long,  as  the  ponies  had  better  be  put  into  the  sta 
ble.  * 

Amanda  said  no  ;*  she  had  some  calls  to  make,  and  if  Mr. 
Batkins  would  be  good  enough  to  give  her  the  parcel  for  her 
father,  she  would  not  remain  any  longer.  I  said  I  had  not 
quite  finished  one  of  the  pieces  I  was  to  speak,  but  I  would 
brino1  it  with  me  when  I  came  over.  I  handed  to  her  the 

o 

packet,  the  note  I  had  written,  and  some  loose  sheets,  and 
requested  Amanda  not  to  open  the  packet  until  I  arrived,  as 
I  wished  to  read  my  old  speech  to  her  father  myself. 

Aunt  Dolly  asked  Amanda  if  she  would  have  a  lunch,  or 
anything.  She  declined.  I  attended  Amanda  to  the  phaeton, 
saw  her  safely  seated  therein,  and  with  the  papers  by  her  side 
she  started  the  ponies,  and  at  a  handsome  trot  she  drove  them 
down  the  road,  and  was  soon  out  of  sight.  I  returned  to  my 


446  LIFE    OF 

study,  and  was  engaged  busily  upon  my  lecture  on  free 
government.  My  table  was  covered  with  books,  from  which  I 
obtained  the  information  I  was  to  give  my  listeners  at  the 
lyceum,  — and,  after  all,  that  is  the  way  most  people  write  books, 
histories,  speeches,  and  lectures,  and  I  suppose  that  is  the 
reason  why  so  many  of  all  kinds  are  like  to  some  others.  The 
pith  of  the  thing  comes  from  the  same  source,  whether  the 
writer  is  a  learned  man  from  a  college,  or  a  self-made  man, 
on  his  own  hook,  that  is,  in  his  education. 

In  an  hour  or  two  after,  Amanda  left,  and  while  I  was  in 
a  most  perplexed  condition  about  one  of  the  heathen  gods  who, 
it  appeared,  did  not  pay  much  attention  to  the  prohibitory 
law,  if  there  was  one  at  Olympus,  —  I  believe  that  is  the 
name  of  the  place  where  Bacchus,  the  ancient  gentleman  I 
refer  to  resided,  —  Mr.  Bean  entered  my  study.  I  never 
before  saw  him  so  excited ;  he  held  in  his  hand  the  packet 
I  had  given  him,  with  the  seals  broken.  "  Batkins,"  said  he, 
"you  have  not  given  me  the  right  packet."  He  passed  it 
into  my  hand. 

"No,"  said  I,  "Mr.  Bean;"  and  upon  examining  the 
contents,  I  discovered  I  Had  given  him  my  original  speeches, 
that  I  had  not  spoken  at  the  State  House,  with  several  others. 
I  said,  "  This  is  a  mistake,  Mr.  Bean;  if  I  had  known  this 
I  should  have  felt  exceedingly  troubled,  for  I  set  a  high  value 
on  those  productions." 

"I  don't  know,  Batkins,  as  you  are  in  the  family,  but 
you  intended  a  fraud.  Where  is  the  packet  I  gave  you  ?  " 

"  Well,  Bean,  now  the  speeches  are  safe  I  feel  like  laugh 
ing.  I  was  to  have  sent  the  speeches  to  Mr.  Feathergilt,  and 
of  course  Amanda,  who  was  here  this  morning,  has  taken  your 
package  instead.  The  old  gentleman  will  be  surprised,  if  he 
should  open  it,  when  he  sees  the  mistake.  He  will  not, 
however,  until  I  come,  as  he  cannot,  without  difficulty,  read 
my  writing." 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  447 

He  threw  my  speeches  down  upon  the  floor.  "  Do 
you  know  what  that  packet  contains  you  sent  by  Miss 
Feathergilt?" 

"  I  do  not." 

"  Bring  it  to  me,  with  the  seals  unbroken.  Where  is  the 
receipt  I  gave  you  for  it?  "  The  receipt  was  lying  upon  the 
table  where  I  had  left  it.  I  pointed  it  out  to  him.  •  He 
seized  it,  saying,  "  Batkins,  bring  that  packet  to  me  before 
nine  o'clock,  with  the  seals  unbroken,  or  there  may  be  a 
murder  for  you  to  answer  for."  He  rushed  from  the  room. 

I  wrote  a  few  sentences  of  my  lecture ;  but  I  found  my 
ideas  on  free  government  were  stagnated,  and  I  thought  I  had 
better  follow  Amanda  and  rectify  the  mistake  I  had  made. 
While  preparing  to  do  this,  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  entered  my 
study,  shown  in  by  Aunt  Dolly,  who  complacently  left  the 
room  with  the  brief  remark,  ' '  Yes,  he  is  at  home,  and  there 
he  is."  I  could  scarcely  believe  my  own  vision.  Mrs.  Kin 
derdeck  at  the  homestead  !  and  this  time  I  felt  no.  fear  at  the 
interview,  whatever  might  prove  to  be  the  cause  of  it. 

"  Mr.  Batkins,  I  do  not  know  what  has  come  over  Mr. 
Bean;  but  I  think  he  intends  to  do  some  mischief,  and  I 
must  see  some  of  the  family  and  warn  them.  I  have  done 
with  him.  He  has  defied  me  to  do  my  worst.  I  will  not  do 
that,  but  I  will  do  my  best  to  defeat  his  schemes,  whatever 
they  may  be." 

I  said,    "  Mrs.   Kinderdeck  what  has  happened?" 

"  He  says  unless  he  regains  something  that  he  has  lost  he 
will  kill  old  Mr.  Feathergilt." 

I  did  not  dare  to  trust  to  anything  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  said. 
My  first  acquaintance  with  her  and  the  yellow  nankin  suit, 
the  bill,  and  the  recollections  of  early  days  were  not  wholly 
eradicated,  and  as  she  had  grown  older  her  looks  indicated 
more  than  ever  that  she  preserved  the  characteristics  fore 
shadowed  by  her  physiognomical  portrait  when  young.  Her 


448  LIFE    OF 

face  would  remind  you  of  a  pickerel,  if  the  head  of  the  fish 
were  placed  at  a  right  angle  with  her  neck,  and  the  shoulders 
of  the  fish  were  increased  in  breadth.  She  was  slender  at  that 
time,  and  it  was  on  that  category  of  likeness  to  fish,  flesh, 
or  fowl,  that  I  rather  fancied  as  illustrative  of  human  peculi 
arities,  that  I  had  classed  the  sea-captain's  wife.  Now,  after 
years  of  activity  and  opportunity  I  think. if  the  upper  fins  of 
the  fish  were  enlarged  to  the  capacity  of  human  arms,  and  dra 
peries  of  appropriate  character  were  properly  arranged  upon 
the  fish,  placed  in  a  perpendicular  attitude,  with  a  head-dress 
of  modern  style  to  cover  the  dome  surmounting  the  structure, 
I  think  a  shark,  not  of  the  man-eating  species,  fcowever,  would 
give  a  tolerable  idea  of  Mr.  Kinderdeck's  present  appearance. 
I  do  not  pretend  to  believe  that  there  was  any  resemblance  be 
tween  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  and  the  costumed  shark  below  the 
shoulders,  of  course,  and  therefore  do  not  ask  my  reader,  you 
understand,  to  extend  his  imagination  any  further  than  this 
anatomical  line  would  suggest.  I  do  not  have  faith  in  mer 
maids,  arid  as  far  as  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  was  concerned,  her  pro 
portion  and  outline  below  the  waist  were  discernible  upon  or 
dinary  and  casual  inspection.  As  to  mermaids,  the  only  spec 
imen  of  that  family  of  semi-humans  that  I  have  ever  seen  was 
at  Mr.  Kimball's  Museum,  and  I  am  not  sure  of  what  sex  that 
specimen  is,  as  I  have  misplaced  the  description  of  it  in  an  ad 
vertisement.  I  had  thought  of  inquiring  of  Mr.  Agassiz,  as  I 
understand  he  knows  more  about  fishes  and  animals  than 
anybody  else  ;  but  as  my  happiness  does  not  depend  upon  the 
acquiring  any  knowledge  upon  this  point  more  then  I  now 
possess,  I  have  deferred  the  inquiry  to  some  future  occasion. 
To  save  long  stories,  I  will  simply  inform  my  reader  why  I 
had  looked  into  this  department  of  natural  history,  and  refer 
him  back  some  pages,  where  it  will  be  brought  to  his  mind, 
that  I  was  appointed  by  Mr.  Speaker  Banks  upon  the  com- 


JEFFERSON  S.    £  ATKINS.  449 

mittee  on  the  fisheries  and  flats.     Hence  my  interest   in  the 
mermaid  question. 

I  had  listened  to  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  who  also  informed  me 
that  she  had  spoken  to  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring  as  to  the  agree 
ment  made  with  her  and  Bean,  to  which  agreement  I  was  a 
witness,  with  a  view  to  carry  it  into  court,  and  was  then  going 
to  see  that  gentleman,  who,  as  she  understood,  was  on  friendly 
terms  with  the  Feathergilts.  notwithstanding  political  differences. 
She  said  she  was  going  to  Rosewood  Villa  for  instructions  from 
Miss  Amanda,  and  desired  to  know  what  she  had  better  do. 
As  Mr.  Bean  had  always  spoken  very  highly  of  Mr.  Bat- 
kins,  she  thought  she  would  ask  his  advice  before  her  inter 
view  with  Mr.  Spring. 

I  said  to  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  "It  is  true.  Mr.  Bean  has 
spoken  favorably  of  me ;  but,  as  you  are  aware,  I  am  to  be 
more  closely  connected  with  Mr.  Feathergilt's  family,  and 
should  feel  their  interests  to  be  substantially  my  own,  provided 
they  did  not  interfere  with  the  Batkins'  interests,  which  have 
certain  claims  upon  me,  in  virtue  of  their  priority."  I  asked 
Mrs.  Kinderdeck  what  she  would  have  me  do,  and  whether 
she  thought  Mr.  Bean  really  meant  to  kill  Mr.  Feathergilt, 
senior. 

In  regard  to  the  killing  she  thought  he  might  do  it  if  the 
provocation  was  great  enough,  as  Mr.  Bean  had  a  violent  tem 
per,  which  usually  was  kept  under  control ;  and  she  thought,  if 
I  should  advise  him  against  violence,  he  would  listen  to  me. 

I  asked  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  what  effect  it  would  have,  in  her 
judgment,  to  advise  the  wind  not  to  blow.  She  thought  not 
much.  I  said  that  was  my  idea  of  advice  to  Mr.  Bean,  unless 
there  was  something  more  than  advice  behind  this  moderate 
way  of  attempting  to  change  strong  action. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  said  she  thought  she  had  something  behind, 
but  did  not  know  exactly  how  to  use  it,  and  that  was  the  rea 
son  for  her  making  this  call  upon  me. 


450  LIFE    OF 

I  replied,  rather  cautiously,  that,  as  I  did  "not  know  what 
that  something  was  that  she  kept  in  the  rear,  I  could  not  en 
lighten  her  upon  the  proper  method  as  to  its  use. 

She  said,  for  the  present  she  must  keep  her  power  a  secret, 
as  she  knew  from  experience  she  must  be  cautious  in  any  deal 
ings  with  Mr.  Bean,  as  perhaps  Mr.  Batkins  would  coincide 
with  her  when  he  questioned  his  memory  as  to  his  meeting 
with  Mr.  Bean  at  her  house  on  the  evening  he  was  thrown 
from  the  wagon. 

This  nettled  me.  I  was  chagrined  at  the  reference  at 
this  late  day  to  that  incident  of  my  comparatively  juvenile 
experience.  I  said,  "Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  it  is  not  necessary  to 
go  back  so  far  as  that  in  order  to  decide  what  shall  best  be 
done  in  the  present  emergency.  As  to  your  personal  relations 
with  Mr.  Bean  I  have  no  curiosity  to  inquire,  and  as  to  your 
power  behind,  you  will  use  it  as  you  please.  I  can  only  say, 
you  and  Mr.  Bean  must  skin  your  own  skunks." 

She  said  she  had  no  skunks  to  skin,  and  did  not  understand 
my  allusion.  I  thought  she  seemed  offended,  and  I  told  her  I 
was  only  using  a  rhetorical  figure  of  speech,  natural  enough 
in  the  mouth  of  a  farmer.  I  did  not  suppose,  literally,  she 
had  any  skunks  to  skin,  and  I  supposed  a  fisherman  might, 
under  the  same  circumstances,  be  justified  in  saying  let  every 
one  skin  their  own  eels  ;  and  if  she  had  no  objection,  I  would 
withdraw  the  word  skunks  and  substitute  eels. 

She  said  eels  were  less  offensive  in  idea  than  skunks,  but  as 
she  had  none,  either  of  the  quadrupeds  or  the  finny  tribes,  to 
flay,  she  would  prefer  plain  English,  which  she  supposed 
simply  meant  that  Mr.  Batkins  had  no  interest  in  any  affair 
between  herself  and  Mr.  Bean ;  but.  as  her  business  related 
to  Mr.  Bean  in  connection  with  Miss  Amanda's  father's  well- 
fare,  she  had  supposed  Mr.  Batkins  would  be  interested.  "  How 
ever,  Mr.  Batkins,  I  will  not  disturb  you ;  I  will  give  my 


JEFFERSON  S.    Ji  ATKINS.  451 

views  to  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring,  and  act  in  accordance  with  his 
directions." 

I  said  I  thought  it  might  be  the  part  of  wisdom  in  her  to 
do  so. 

"  Good-morning,  sir,"  said  Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  and  departed, 
looking  more  like  a  shark  than  ever,  paying  but  little  atten 
tion  to  my  gentle  repetition  of  the  adieu  she  somewhat 
tartly  tendered  to  me. 

The  fact  is.  I  was  afraid  to  have  any  connection  with  her  in* 
this  matter,  though  I  was  in  a  degree  excited  and  alarmed  at 
the  object  of  her  visit  to  me,  as  she  communicated  it.  ,  I  re 
gretted  the  interruption  to  my  literary  labors,  as  a  great  deal 
was  expected  from  me  as  to  my  lecture  on  free  government  from 
my  stand-point.  I  thought  my  allegory  of  the  cow  and 
the  calves  a  good  kind  of  rhetoric,  coming  from  the  develop- 
in  cr  mind  of  an  agriculturalist.  I  desired,  before  I  lost  the 

O    .  O  '  • 

idea,  to  complete  the  picture,  and  had  made  a  note  of  it  before 
the  first  interruption  by  Mr.  Bean.  I  subjoin  the  finish  :  — 

"  And  we  find  in  a  free  government,  where  the  people  shall 
by  their  voices  say  who  shall  serve,  that  is,  rule  the  rest,  — 
that  is,  who  shall  apply  his  official  mouth  to  the  public  udder, 
that  is,  the  treasury,  and  thus  provide  himself  and  his  rela 
tions  with  the  nutritive  principle,  that  is,  the  money,  —  there 
is  this  provision  made,  that  every  one,  in  his  turn,  has  a  right 
to  a  chance,  for  in  rotation  we  find  the  principle  which  is  to 
sustain  and  preserve  liberty  and  its  institutions.  Hence 
politics,  hence  party." 

I  put  by  my  writing  materials,  and  hastened  to  be  informed 
upon  matters  of  interest  to  the  family  of  the  Feathergilts,  being 
constantly  reminded  by  something  that  I  was  soon  to  be  one 
of  them. 


452  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  LXI. 

THE   PLOT. 

IT  was  late  in  the  day  before  I  arrived  at  the  villa  to  be  in 
formed  of  what  had  occurred ;  it  is  necessary  to  the  proper  un 
derstanding  of  this  extraordinary  episode  of  my  life,  that  my 
reader  should  have  at  least  a  part  of  the  information  imparted 
to  him  as  it  had  been  to  me.  It  is  not  necessary  to  state  the 
manner  in  which  I  alleviated  Amanda's  distress  at  the  condi 
tion  of  things,  although  she  did  not  know  what  the  principal 
points  of  confusion  were ;  that  is,  the  ticklish  financial  basis  of 
the  firm,  and  the  assumed  right  of  Bean  morally  to  be  called 
Feathergilt,  with  a  division  of  the  property,  at  a  proper  time, 
so  as  to  leave  her  in  possession  of  a  third  instead  of  a  half. 
Legally  he  had  no  right  to  either,  and  this  part  of  the  case 
had  been  entrusted  confidentially  to  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring, 
who  was  prepared  to  meet  this  claim,  when  made,  in  a  proper 
way. 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  had  also  seen  Mr.  Spring,  and  that  gen 
tleman  appeared  to  be  particularly  pleased  with  the  revelations 
she  had  made,  and  assured  all  parties  that  everything  would 
come  out  right,  and  develop  a  most  extraordinary  phase  of 
human  intellect  not  to  understand  nor  comprehend  what  was 
an  every-day  incident  of  human  life. 

I  listened  to  this  lawyer's  statement,  and,  not  in  any  way 
comprehending  its  meaning,  was  about  to  ask  Iwm  for  some  ex 
planations  ;  but  recollecting  his  address  to  me  on  my  reception, 
as  given  in  the  newspaper,  I  concluded  I  would  not  give  him 
any  opportunity  before  the  family,  and  particularly  in  the 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  453 

presence  of  Amanda,  to  show  up  my  inferiority  in  the  way  of 
learned  speeches.  So.  after  a  little  what  we  call  "  beating  about 
the  bush,"  I  said,  "  Mr.  Spring,  I  understand  Mrs.  Kinderdeck 
has  communicated  something  to  you  of  great  importance." 

He  looked  at  me  a  moment,  arid  said,  "Mr.  Batkins,  that 
depends  upon  how  it  is  used.  Evidence  is  evidence  \  when 
properly  introduced,  we  shall  see." 

I  said,  "  Yes,  Mr.  Spring.  She  proposed  to  communicate  it 
to  me  ;  but  I  told  her  I  thought  she  had  better  see  you." 

"A  wise  conclusion,  Mr.  Batkins." 

I  asked  him  if  there  would  be  any  objection  to  his  inform 
ing  me  what  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  had  revealed. 

He  said  he  did  not  know  who  would  make  the  objection, 
and  asked  me  if  I  would. 

I  said,  "  Certainly  not." 

"  Very  well,"  he  said  ;    -'no  other  person  has'rnade  any." 

II  Then,"  I  said,  "  Mr.  Spring,  you  can  inform  me." 

Mr.  Spring  said  he  could,  but  at  present  he  thought  it  not 
advisable.  "You  know,  Mr.  Batkins,  what  persons  may  say, 
without  explanations,  might  involve  the  person  repeating  in  an 
action  for  slander.  We  are  to  deal  with  an  astute  rogue,  Mr. 
Batkins,  and  we  must  weigh  carefully  the  value  of  words." 

I  wondered  if  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  had  told  Spring  of  my  en 
counter  with  Bean  in  her  house.  Spring  and  his  cautious 
manner  frightened  mo  from  asking  further  questions  about  Mrs. 
Kinderdeck's  testimony ;  so  I  inquired  for  the  packet,  arid 
explained  the  mistake  of  the  exchange.  Mr.  Spring  said  it  was 
decided  not  to  open  the  packet,  as  it  had  upon  the  wrapper 
the  name  of  J.  S.  Batkins,  and  therefore  should  not  be  opened 
by  any  other  person,  and  perhaps,  under  the  circumstances, 
not  by  that  person,  except  in  presence  of  witnesses ;  and 
further,  as  a  matter  of  law  and  right,  which  here  go  together 
it  ought  not  to  be  opened  except  in  the  presence  of  Mr.  Bean, 
without  his  permission,  as  he  had  understood  whatever  were 


454  LIFE    OF 

the  contents  of  the  envelope  it  was  admitted  to  be  his  prop 
erty. 

I  agreed  that  he  was  correct  in  that  assertion,  but  that 
Bean  had  opened  the  packet  containing  my  speeches. 

Mr.  Spring  said,  "  Yes,  upon  the  presumption  that  he  was 
handling  his  own  property.  Upon  a  question  of  damage,  how 
ever,  in  either  case  it  would  be  necessary  to  prove  the  value 
of  the  papers  enclosed.  In  your  case  we  are  presumed  to 
know  the  value,  being  merely  a  quantity  of  political  speeches, 
usually  of  not  much  account  even  to  the  o\vner ;  but  in  the 
case  of  the  packet  now  in  the  possession  of  Mr.  Feathergilt 
we  are  in  ignorance  of  its  contents.'' 

I  said,  "Mr.  Spring,  I  have  agreed  to  return  the  packet 
to  Mr.  Bean,  and  he  very  forcibly  added  to  his  request  to  do 
it,  this  evening,  a  demand  that  the  seals  should  be  unbroken. 
Now.  if  you  will  return  the  packet  to  me  I  will  fulfil  my 
agreement  with  Mr.  Bean." 

"  Mr.  Batkins,  I  feel  that  I  should  be  pleased  to  comply 
with  your  request,  first,  from  the  relation  between  us  as 
fellow-townsmen  and  neighbors,  and,  secondly,  from  your  pro 
posed  relations  to  Mr.  Feathergilt,  my  client's  family ;  but  as 
I  now  view  the  matter,  and  as  the  legal  adviser  of  Mr. 
Feathergilt,  I  should  recommend  that  Mr.  Feathergilt  retain 
the  packet  at  present,  and  therefore  I  must  decline  to  advise 
him  to  hand  it  to  you." 

"  But,  Mr.  Spring,  I  should  not  dare  to  go  to  Mr.  Bean 
without  the  packet." 

"  Why  not  ?  "  said  Mr.  Spring. 

"  Because  I  promised  to  rectify  the  mistake." 

"  It  is  in  our  hands  by  mistake,  Mr.  Batkins;  but  posses 
sion  is  something,  and  we  shall  retain  it  as  long  as  we  can. 
There  are  legal  ways  to  dispute  our  right  of  possession,  and 
means,  if  we  have  no  right,  to  dispossess  us." 

"And  what  are  those  ways?"   I  asked,  for  I  felt  nervous 


JKFFKRSON   S.    B ATKINS.  455 

as  to  what  Bean  would  do  when  I  informed  him  of  Mr. 
Spring's  statement. 

Mr.  Spring  said,  "  Mr.  Bean's  lawyer  will  inform  Mr. 
Bean  how  to  proceed." 

I  said,  "  Mr.  Bean  does  not  employ  lawyers.  He  is  his 
own  lawyer." 

"  Very  well ;  let  him  try  then.  I  have  only  to  say  to  you, 
Mr.  Batkins,  when  a  man  is  his  own  lawyer,  he  is  apt  to  have 
a  fool  for  his  client.  This  is  an  old  proverb ;  I  do  not 
know  that  it  will  apply  in  this  case.  " 

I  said,  "No,  Mr.  Bean  is  no  fool.  I  have  thought  some 
times  he  might  be  a  rogue ;  but,  Mr.  Spring,  he  is  a  deep  one, 
and  I  do  not  want  his  enmity.". 

"  Mr. Batkins,  I  do  not  know  upon  what  Mr.  Bean  relies  to 
carry  out  his  plans.  As  you  say,  he  may  be  a  deep  one  ;  he 
appears  to  have  well-laid  and  partly  concealed  plans ;  but  the 
accident  which  has  placed  that  packet  in  Mr.  Feathergilt's 
hands,  although  we  are  ignorant  of  its  contents,  gives  us  a  clue 
by  which  I  think,  legally,  we  may  defeat  him.  if  we  fail  to  come 
to  a  compromise.  The  packet  in  our  hands  is  an  advantage ; 
so,  indirectly,  your  speeches  have  thrown  light  upon  the  subject 
of  Mr.  Bean's  plans,  and  have  done  more  good  than  would 
have  been  accomplished  by  their  legitimate  use  in  the  direction 
intended." 

I  told  Mr.  Spring  I  did  not  think  he  was  complimentary 
to  my  efforts,  but  if  by  accident  they  had  contributed  to  any 
good,  I  was  delighted  to  know  it. 

41  In  this  case  they  have  had  that  effect,  and  you  had 
better  return  to  Mr.  Bean,  and  say  that  by  your  advice 
Mr.  Feathergilt  will  keep  the  appointment  this  evening,  and 
bring  with  him  the  packet  unopened.  As  I  understand,  you 
are  to  be  permitted  to  be  present  at  the  interview,  Mr.  Bat- 
kins,  and  this  condition  will  ensure  that  no  harm  shall  come 
to  Mr.  Feathergilt,  as  the  interview  is  to  be  in  your  house." 


456  L1FK    OF 

I  coincided  with  Mr.  Spring,  but  told  him  I  must  see  the 
packet  with  the  seals  unbroken  to  satisfy  Mr.  Bean  until  the 
time  of  the  interview. 

Mr.  Spring  said  he  saw  no  objection,  and  together  we  en 
tered  the  parlor  where  Mr.  Spring  had  left  Mr.  Feathergilt  and 
his  son  and  daughter.  A  consultation  in  general  on  subjects 
connected  with  the  family  was  going  on,  which  we  joined. 
After  a  few  words  of  private  talk  with  Amanda  in  the  hall,  I 
left  the  villa,  and  found  Bean  waiting  for  me  on  my  arrival  at 
the  homestead. 

I  acquainted  Bean  with  the  decision  of  the  family,  through 
Mr.  Spring.  He  seemed  thoughtful  a  moment,  then  said, 
"  Batkins,  bring  Feathergilt  yourself  as  far  as  the  turn  be 
fore  you  cross  the  bridge ;  then  let  him  drive  over  the  bridge 
alone  until  you  have  seen  me.  You  can  then  get  into  the 
carriage  again  and  drive  to  the  homestead.  Will  you  do  it?  " 

I  said  I  would. 

"  And  be  sure  he  has  the  packet  unbroken." 

I  said  I  would. 

"  They  are  playing  their  game;   I  will  play  mine." 

Bean  left  me.  I  began  writing  on  my  lecture,  and  after 
dinner  went  back  to  the  villa  and  remained  there  until  the 
evening. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  "          457 


CHAPTER   LXII. 

THE    DANGEROUS    WAY. 

As  things  were  understood  at  the  villa,  Mr.  Spring  had 
advised  Mr.  Feathergilt  to  comply  with  Mr.  Bean's  re 
quest.  He  said  I  might  do  as  I  pleased  about  driving  the 
ponies  in  the  phaeton,  or  being  at  the  east  side  of  the  bridge 
with  Mr.  Bean  at  the  time  Mr.  Feathergilt  would  arrive 
there.  He  thought  that  would  be  the  better  way :  but  was 
not  sure  that  he  might  not  change  both  his  strategy  and  tac 
tics  by  sundown-;  that  depended  upon  the  discovered  movements 
of  the  enemy.  '.'At  any  rate,"  he  said,  "Mr.  Batkins,  you 
may  be  sure  of  this,  that  Mr.  Feathergilt  will  be  at  the  place 
appointed,  and  the  ponies  and  the  phaeton  will  be  in  readiness  to 
convey  you  back  to  the  villa  when  the  interview  is  over." 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  had  been  instructed  by  Mr.  Spring  to 
carefully  watch  the  movements  of  Mr.  Bean,  and  follow  him, 
if  she  could  do  it  undetected,  to  the  bridge  where  the  meet 
ing  was  to  take  place.  Of  this  I  was  not  informed  by  Mr. 
Spring,  who  either  did  not  have  such  an  exalted  opinion  of 
my  competency  to  work  in  the  dark  as  he  had  of  Mrs.  Kinder- 
deck's,  or  chose  rather  to  trust  to  my  willingness  to  obey  his 
directions ;  and  I  will  say,  as  the  event  proved,  Seth  Spring's 
judgment  was  good. 

Bean  had  been  at  the  homestead  in  the  afternoon,  and  I 
thought  he  was  rather  more  irritable  than  usual,  and  talked 
considerably  about  the  mistake  of  the  change  of  the  papers; 
said  he  felt  uneasy  about  the  packet  until  it  was  again  in  his 
hand.  He  said  he  had  no  doubt,  if  Mr.  Feathergilt  kept  the 


408          .  LIPK    OF 

appointment,  after  to-night  there  would  be  no  trouble  between 
them.  He  said  to  me,  "  Batkins,  I  have  begun  to  think  your 
old  friend,  the  sea-captain's  wife,  carries  two  faces.  If  she 
deceives  me,  I'll  have  her  locked  up.  Nine  o'clock,  Batkins, 
will  settle  all  things."  He  then  left  the  homestead. 

As  soon  as  it  was  dark,  Bean,  with  two  men  in  a  wagon, 
left  his  residence  carrying  with  them  two  lanterns  and  two, 
signs.  Upon  the  signs  was  painted,  "  No  passage."  "Dan 
gerous  way."  In  a  few  minutes  they  arrived  unnoticed,  by 
the  lower  road,  at  the  Indian  Cascade.  Here,  by  Bean's  direc 
tion,  the  men  placed  the  signs  at  either  extremity  of  the  bridge, 
a  few  rods  from  the  wooden  part  of  the  structure,  which  rested 
upon  stone  embankments.  One  of  the  lanterns,  lighted,  was 
placed  upon  the  posts  that  supported  the  signs.  The  bridge 
was  not  of  a  character  for  heavy  travel ;  it  was  usually  used  as 
a  carriage-way.  Timbers  of  sufficient  size  for  the  purpose 
completed  the  span ;  in  the  centre  an  upright  timber,  resting 
upon  a  rock,  gave  additional  support.  Some  light  planks  cov 
ered  the  timbers,  a  railing  of  sufficient  height  rendered  the 
bridge  safe  enough  for  all  the  purposes  intended,  and  even  to  per 
mit  the  passage  of  a  farm  w'agon,  with  an  ordinary  load,  in  safety. 
The  distance  from  the  bridge  floor  to  the  water  was  about 
twenty  feet,  and  at  some  seasons  the  flow  of  water  over  the 
stones  was  so  large  as  to  make  the  falls  a  picturesque  object, 
particularly  on  a  moonlight  night,  as  was  the  case'  upon  this 
one  referred  to.  Mr.  Bean  gave  directions  to  the  men  to 
saw  the  timbers  close  to  the  embankment,  which,  after  an 
hour  of  labor,  was  accomplished.  He  then  directed  the  central 
support  to  be  loosened  and  detached,  but  not  to  be  removed. 
He  said,  "I  do  not  desire  to  let  the  bridge  fall  until  daylight, 
when  I  will  call  for  your  services  again.  Perhaps,  parties  may 
come  to  my  terms,  and  then  I  will  open  the  way,  and  shore  up 
the  bridge,  but  if  they  do  not  I  will  let  people  see  that  I  am 


JEFFE11SON  S.   B ATKINS.  459 

to  be  deprived  of  my  rights  by  no  Peter  Feathergilt,  Seth 
Spring,  or  J.  S.  Batkins." 

This  discourse  was  with  the  men  who,  knowing  the  contests 
that  had  been  had  about  this  right  of  way,  attached,  no  especial 
importance  to  this  night  arrangement  for  what  they  supposed 
a  morning  demonstration. 

The  men  laid  some  planks  upon  the  rocks,  and  Beau  walked 
upon  them  to  the  centre  support,  to  examine  the  condition  in 
which  it  had  been  feft,  and  being  satisfied,  returned,  and  dis 
missed  them,  telling  them  to  come  to  his  office  in  the  morning, 
and  after  assisting  him  in  demolishing  the  bridge  he  would  pay 
them  for  their  labor,  in  the  mean  time  cautioning  them  not  to 
say  anything  of  his  intentions.  The  men  disappeared,  leaving 
Bean  to  complete  his  designs  himself.  He  opened  the  door  of 
the  shanty,  from  which  he  took  a  rope,  and  recrossing  the 
plank  attached  it  to.  the  centre  support  of  the  bridge  ;  the  other 
end  was  attached  to  the  door  of  the  shanty.  He  then  ascended 
the  embankment,  extinguished  the  lanterns,  and  removed  the 
signs. 

While  engaged  thus  he  was  watched  by  a  person  concealed 
in  the  shrubbery,  who  had  witnessed  all  his  actions  and  lis 
tened  to  his  conversation  with  the  men  while  at  their  work. 
It  was  clear  to  the  mind  of  the  concealed  witness  what  Bean 
intended  to  do,  when  Feathergilt  was  on  the  bridge.  He  would 
pull  the  rope,  the  centre  support  would  give  way,  and  bridge 
and  carriage  would  be  precipitated  upon  the  rocks  beneath. 
How  was  it  to  be  prevented  ?  To  escape  and  give  the  alarm 
was  the  natural  suggestion  of  a  first  impulse ;  but  while  gone 
for  that  purpose  the  carriage  might  arrive,  and  the  mischief 
be  done. 

Bean,  after  a  survey  of  the  bridge,  looked  at  his  watch,  and 
retired  to*  the  shanty  to  await  the  arrival  of  his  victim  and 
accomplish  his  design.  The  person  concealed,  Mrs.  Kinder- 
deck,  left  her  place  of  ambush,  and  was  moving  on  the  lower 


4GO  LIFE    OF 

thus  passing  the  shanty,  to  ascend  the  embankment  without 
being  observed  by  Bean,  his  object  being  to  stop  any  person  ap 
proaching  in  the  direction  from  which  Mr.  Feathergilt  was  ex 
pected  to  arrive.  As  she  was  moving  slowly  off,  Mr.  Feathergilt, 
enveloped  in  a  cloak,  came  along  the  path.  When  Mrs.  Kinder- 
deck  discovered  him  he  was  about  to  speak  ;  she  restrained 
him.  At  this  moment  I  arrived,  somewhat  flurried,  and  asked 
Mr.  Feathergilt  what  he  had  done  with  the  phaeton.  He  said 
he  had  changed  his  mind,  and  rode  down' with  Dr.  Slawter. 
Amanda  was  coming  with  the  phaeton.  At  this  moment  the 
crack  of  a  whip  was  heard.  Mrs.  Kinderdeck  exclaimed, 
"  Stop  her,  or  she  will  be  killed.  Bean  has  destroyed  the 
supports  of  the  bridge,  — sawed  off  the  timbers.  He  meant 
to  kill  you  in  that  way.  Look  !  " 

I  saw  the  rope  fastened  to  the  supporting  timber,  jerked  it  from 
Bean's  hand,  crossed  the  plank,  and  steadied  the  centre-piece. 
Amanda  drove  over  the  bridge  in  safety  ;  the  bridge  yielded 
a  little  to  the  motion  of  the  carriage,  but  did  not  fall. 

Bean  came  from  his  place  of  concealment,  walked  up  to 
Mr.  Feathergilt,  with  the  utmost  composure,  asked  him  the 
state  of  his  health,  congratulated  him  upon  his  escape  from 
an  accident,  and  said  he  would  be  very  happy  to  attend  him 
and  his  family  to  Swansdown  Terrace,  and  spend  the  evening 
in  considering  matters  for  the  benefit  of  the  family.  He  told 
Mr.  Feathergilt  it  was  a  little  singular,  considering  that  his 
father  died  from  the  consequence  of  an  accident  to  a  carriage, 
that  he  should  have  had  such  a  narrow  escape ;  at  the  same 
time  he  said  to  Feathergilt  in  a  sort  of  whisper,  "Keep  my 
secret,  or  I  will  not  keep  yours." 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  461 


•  CHAPTER   LXIII. 

GETTING   AT   THE    TRUTH. 

THE  attempt  made  by  Bean  to  destroy  Mr.  Feathergilt 
rendered  some  decisive  action  necessary.  The  delicate  matter 
of  arranging  the  affair  was  entrusted  to  the  Hon.  Seth  Spring, 
who  for  a  time  advised  that  no  public  attention  should  be 
attracted  to  his  plans.  He  had  several  interviews  with  Bean, 
who  was  carefully  watched.  On  the  last  interview,  arranged 
with  a  view  to  settlement,  Bean  threatened  that,  unless  the 
packet  was  returned  to  him,  he  would  shoot  Mr.  Feathergilt 
in  his  own  house. 

Upon  this  threat  Bean  was  arrested;  not,  however,  until 
Mr.  Spring  had  received  some  information  from  Mrs.  Kinder- 
deck.  He  was  taken  before  a  magistrate  ;  Bean  asked  the  cause 
of  his  arrest.  The  complaint  was  read  to  him,  charging  him 
with  being  a  dangerous  person,  and  with  threatening  the  life 
of  a  citizen,  causing  him  bodily  fear. 

Bean  laughed.  "I  cause  Peter  Feathergilt  bodily  fear  — 
nonsense  !  "  The  magistrate  asked  him  if  he  wished  to  con 
sult  counsel.  Bean  replied,  "  No ;  I  will  defend  myself  against 
all  the  Feathergilts  and  Seth  Springs  in  the  United  States." 

There  were  no  persons  in  the  room  except  the  witnesses,  it 
being  desirable  that  the  examination  should  be  conducted  as 
privately  as  possible.  The  men  who  had  assisted  him  at  the 
bridge  were  called  to  testify  as  to  their  knowledge  of  Bean's 
action. 

When  asked  if  he  had  any  questions  to  ask  of  the  witnesses, 
he  said,  "No;  I  have  a  right  to  cut  down  my  bridge,  and  if 
people  will  ride  over  a  dangerous  way,  where  they  have  no 


4C2  LIFE    OF 

right,  they  .must  look  out  for  breakers,  eh,  judge?  I  do  not 
dispute  the  fact  of  the  bridge.  Is  that  the  way  I  am  to  be 
proved  to  be  a  dangerous  man  ?  I  am  dangerous,  judge,  if 
my  rights  are  not  respected." 

Mrs.  Kinderdeck  was  called,  who,  until  this  time,  had  been 
kept  in  another  room.  When  she  took  her  place,  in  answer  to 
her  name,  to  be  sworn,  Bean  roused  himself.  Mrs.  Kinderdeck 
smiled,  looking  at  him.  "Mr.  Magistrate,  I  object  to  that 
woman's  testifying.  I  ask  for  a  postponement  of  this  case 
until  I  am  prepared  with  objections,  — legal  objections." 

The  magistrate,  as  Was  supposed,  partly  in  consequence  of 
the  position  of  the  parties,  and  partly  perhaps  as  a  matter  of 
justice,  postponed  the  hearing  until  the  next  day.  Bean  was 
satisfied  ;  Seth  Spring,  on  the  part  of  the  Feathergilts,  not  ob 
jecting.  The  magistrate  said  he  should  require  security  for 
Bean's  appearance. 

11  Certainly,  judge,  that's  right;  that's  law;  half  Cranberry 
Centre  for  bail,  if  you  require  it." 

I  had  kept  out  of  sight,  as  I  thought,  but  Bean's  keen  eye 
lit  upon  me.  "  Batkins,  judge,  has  always  been  my  friend, 
as  I  have  been  his ;  will  he  be  satisfactory  as  my  surety  ?  " 

The  judge  said,  "  Certainly."  The  necessary  papers  were 
arranged.  "Now,  Batkins,  as  you  are  surety  for  my  appear 
ance,  I  consent  to  be  your  prisoner  at  the  homestead  until 
to-morrow." 

We  started  for  the  homestead.  My  reader  can  judge  how  I 
felt  at  this  turn  of  affairs.  On  my  way  home,  Bean  said  he 
had  a  little  matter  of  business  to  transact  with  the  town-clerk, 
and  wished  to  see  Mr.  Fairtax.  At  his  request  I  accompa 
nied  him  to  the  office.  Whatever  his  business,  it  was  soon 
settled,  and  he  came  out  of  the  town-clerk's  office  in  great  glee, 
saying,  "  Batkins,  it  is  all  right;  stick  to  me,  and  I  will  stick 
to  you."  I  did  not  dare  to  say  otherwise,  so  I  said,  "  Bean, 
so  long  as  all  is  right,  I  will."  , 


JEFFERSON  S.    KATKJXS.  463 

"I  knew  you  would.  The  sea-captain's  wife  grows  hand 
some,  don't  she?  " 

I  said  she  was  good-looking.     It  is  of  little  consequence 
to  refer  to  what  happened,  or  what  Bean  said  to  me  after  we 
arrived  at  the  homestead.    The  next  day,  at  the  hour  assigned, 
all  parties  were  in  the  magistrate's  room.    Mrs.  Kinderdeck  was 
asked  to  state  what  she  knew  about  the  case.      She  hesitated. 

Bean  rose  up.  "  I  objected,  your  honor,  to  that  woman,  as 
a  witness  yesterday.  I  repeat  my  objections  to-day." 

"On  what  ground?"  inquired  the  magistrate. 

"  She  is  my  wife." 

"  Is  this  true,  madam?"  asked  the  magistrate,  evincing 
some  surprise. 

ii  It  is  true,  sir." 

II  When  were  you  married?  " 
"This  morning." 

"  Am  I  right,  judge,  in  my  objection?  "  said  Bean. 

u  Where  is  the  proof  of  the  marriage?  " 

Bean  quietly  removed  from  the  pocket  of  his  vest  a  paper, 
which  he  handed  to  the  magistrate.  "There  is  the  certificate, 
judge." 

The  magistrate  examined  the  paper,  said  it  was  correct, 
adding,  "The  court  cannot  receive  the  testimony  of  a  wife 
against  her  husband.  Under  the  circumstances  of  this  case, 
Mr.  Spring,  what  do  you  propose?  " 

Spring  said,  "  Nothing."  The  magistrate  dismissed  the  case. 
Bean  exulted  in  a  loud  voice,  .saying  to  Mrs.  Kinderdeck, 
or  Mrs.  Bean,  "Come,  home  with  me.  Spring  —  my  wife 
—  Mrs.  Bean  ;  thank  you,  judge."  They  left  the  court-room 
together,  and  a  more  bewildered  set  of  people  than  those  left 
in  the  court-room  I  had  never  seen  before,  myself  included. 
The  magistrate  and  Mr.  Spring  had  some  conversation  to 
gether,  after  which  our  party  went  home. 

It  was  not  long  after  this  event  before  an  outbreak  of  Bean's 


4G4:  LTFK    OF 

in  consequence  of  some  disagreement  with  his  wife,  placed  him 
in  a  position  which  rendered  the  interference  of  the  law  impera 
tive  in  his  case. 

Upon  a  proper  examination,  the  following  facts  were 
proved :  that  Martha  was  Bean's  mother ;  that  he  was  left  in 
a  foundling  institution  in  Canada ;  that,  subsequently,  he  was 
brought  to  the  place  where  Mr.  Feathergilt's  father  resided. 
There  he  attended  school  for  some  time,  and  here,  either  as  an 
act  of  insanity  or  of  mischief,  he  was  told  that  Mr.  Peter 
Feathergilt  was  his  father  by  Martha.  After  the  funeral  was 
over  he  had  shown  such  evidences  of  derangement  as  to 
cause  the  authorities  of  the  town  to  place  him  in  an  asy 
lum  for  the  insane ;  he  had  lucid  intervals,  and  while 
in  this  state  read  a  great  many  books;  but  generally  was 
brooding  over  his  imaginary  wrongs  and  those  of  his  mother, 
and  talking  frequently  of  what  he  would  do  when  he  came  to 
his  right  mind.  A  great  desire  for  money  and  revenge  was 
the  result  of  the  delusion.  A  man  visited  the  asylum  occa 
sionally,  who  had  a  wife  under  treatment.  He  asserted  that 
Bean,  who  was  there  known  as  James  Ropez,  was  not  insane, 
and  threatened  to  complain  of  the  officers,  who  kept  him  con 
fined  against  his  will.  Rather  than  be  subjected  to  annoy 
ance  by  this  man  and  his  threats,  and  believing  Bean  not  to  be 
a  dangerous  person,  they  discharged  him  as  better,  but  riot 
cured.  Upon  this  evidence  as  to  his  early  history,  and  his 
conduct  in  relation  to  his  attempt  to  kill  Mr.  Feathergilt, 
Bean  was  adjudged  to  be  a  lunatic,  and  was  sent  to  an  asylum 
as  an  incurable  case.  This  decision,  made  in  accordance  with 
medical  certificates,  opened  a  variety  of  questions.  Bean  was 
wealthy,  and  the  question  came  up  who  should  inherit  his 
property.  Was  the  marriage  of  Matilda  Glimp  a  legal  one  ? 
It  was  not  difficult  to  believe  that  Martha  was  Bean's  mother, 
but  as  to  the  father,  —  always  an  uncertain  matter,  —  none  had 
been  named.  Martha's  husband,  the  circus  performer,  was 


JEFFERSON   S.    B ATKINS.  465 

known  as  Signor  Ropez.  It  was  thought  the  individual,  known 
as  "Mrs.  Sirnms'  man,"  might  claim  the  rights  of  paternity, 
from  certain  circumstances ;  but  as  he  was  not  present,  nor  were 
his  whereabouts  known,  this  was  left  among  the  doubtful  things 
for  a  hereafter  to  settle.  It  was  certain  that  this  individual  placed 
him  in  Deacon  Smoothe's  store ;  from  that  time  he  assisted 
him,  and  partly  by  his  influence  he  became  my  partner,  and 
eventually,  the  whole  firm  of  Batkins  &  Co.  From  that  time 
he  more  or  less  influenced  my  whole  career,  as  I  'have  related, 
and  my  reader  will  perceive  how  much  I  owe  to  the  acts  of  a 
lunatic,  of  whose  unsoundness  of  mind,  until  this  attempt  to 
murder  was  made,  no  one  had  the  slightest  suspicion. 

As  usual,  when  the  fact  was  proved,  many  people  remem 
bered  certain  sayings  or  doings  of  Bean,  that  caused  them  to 
think- he  was  a  little  out  of  his  mind.  Dr.  Slawter  analyzed 
the  case,  and  said  it  was  not  an  uncommon  one  ;  but  in  view 
of  all  things  it  was  probable  the  lawyers  would  find  more 
occupation  from  the  results  of  Bean's  delusion  than  the  phy 
sicians.  Mrs.  Bean  said  she  should  defend  her  position  as  his 
wife.  Among  the  papers  in  the  packet  was  a  will,  in  which 
"Mrs.  Kinderdeck,  or  Miss  Matilda  Glimp,  or  by  what 
ever  name  she  may  be  known  at  my  death,"  in  the  words 
of  the  instrument,  was  handsomely  remembered.  I  and  my 
children,  if  I  had  any,  were  also  on  the  list  of  devisees.  A 
large  sum  was  left  in  trust,  if  any  person  or  persons  would 
furnish  a  similar  amount,  for  the  purpose  of  making  a  contin 
uous  communication  across  the  Atlantic  Ocean,  by  bridge,  or 
otherwise,  from  continent  to  continent,  in  order,  as  the  will 
had  it,  "to  prove  there  was  nothing  impossible  with  an 
adequate  amount  of  brains  and  money." 

Bean's  books  and  accounts  were  accurately  kept,  and  no 
difficulty  was  experienced  in  finding  the  exact  condition  of  his 
business  affairs.  Many  securities  were  the  property  of  Mr. 
Feathergilt,  and  they  were  all  marked  as  such.  He  had 


406  LIFE    OF 

anticipated  the  possible  necessity  of  leaving  America,  and  had 
written  a  letter  explanatory  of  his  motives  to  me.  I  suppose 
the  probable  contingency  was  the  death  of  Feathergilt, 
if  his  plan  had  succeeded.  I  have  only  to  say  that  this 
strange  case  of  financial  mania,  founded  on  a  delusion  caused 
by  a  fortune-teller's  story,  told  to  a  lad  inheriting  insanity 
from  one  or  both  parents,  is  not  without  precedent,  though  the 
manifestations  were  not  the  same. 

That  a  crazy  man  should  control  a  town  as  he  did.  may 
seem  strange  now  that  the  story  is  told.  But  for  the  fear  of  the 
failure  of  his  long-cherished  scheme,  which  led  him  to  the  hom 
icidal  attempt,  under  the  bad  impulses  of  his  nature,  it  is  diffi 
cult  to  say  by  what  exploits  in  politics,  finance,  or  speculation, 
he  might  have  become  nationally  famous,  to  be  classed  with 
other  bold  operators,  who,  perhaps,  are,  or  were,  as  "mad  as 
he," 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  467 


CHAPTER  LXIV. 

I   AM    READY    TO    BE    MARRIED. 

MR.  BEAN'S  mental  catastrophe  at  first  caused  some  con 
sternation  in  Cranberry  Centre ;  all  those  who  had  had  busi 
ness  transactions  with  him,  finding  no  pecuniary  loss  likely 
to  fall  upon  them,  joined  in  lamenting,  with  his  friends  and 
the  friends  of  improvement,  his  sudden  disappearance  from 
the  scenes  of  his  former  activity. 

I  am  not  of  the  mood  of  those  persons  who  are  given  over  to 
melancholy  reflections  and  future  speculations  when  any  such 
development  concludes  the  mental  career  of  a  genius,  either  in 
science  or  art.  I  do  not  understand  how  the  material  out 
of  which  the  body  is  composed,  on  the  molecular  theory  of 
seven-year  changes,  can  continue  in  good  working  order  while 
the  mind,  so  called,  shall  proceed  to  partial  or  complete  de 
struction.  Upon  inquiry  as  to  Bean's  condition,  in  the  hospital, 
the  doctor  informed  me  that  he  was  in  good  health,  and  was  pur 
suing  a  theory  to  prevent  men,  who  spent  more  than  they  earned, 
from  getting  into  bankruptcy,  and  also  to  prove  how  persons 
living  in  countries  that  were  taxed  the  heaviest  were  the 
happiest  people,  because  the  majority  of  them  could  not 
accumulate  riches,  which  is  the  bane  of  human  happiness,  and 
should  be  suffered  by  only  a  few,  the  true  end  of  government 
being  to  ensure  the  greatest  good  to  the  greatest  number ;  and 
in  a  free  government  this  policy  may  be  always  carried  out, 
as  the  majority  can,  properly  educated  up  to  this  idea,  by 
their  votes  determine  that  they  will  not  submit  to  this  inflic 
tion  upon  them  of  wealth,  and  the  comforts  and  luxuries 


468  .  LIFE    OF 

which  are  at  its  disposal.  This  financial  idea,  to  be  sure, 
has  been  carried  out  in  part,  without  the  promulgation  of  the 
theory  upon  which  the  practice  is  based.  I  commend  it  to 
future  legislators,  with  such  commentaries  as  may  be  fur 
nished  by  lunatic  financiers. 

Bean's  practice  had  made  money  for  others.  My  twenty 
house-lots  had  turned  out  well,  and  added  to  my  means  to 
enable  me,  if  it  should  come  to  such  an  issue,  to  endure  the 
pangs  of  competence,  and  not  to  envy  my  poorer  neighbors, 
who  were  not  cursed  with  too  much  of  this  world's  goods. 

While  other  people's  affairs  throughout  the  world,  and  in 
Cranberry  Centre,  were  progressing  bringing  to  them  nearer 
the  time  that  their  existence  upon  the  planet's  surface  would 
cease,  mine  were  pursuing  the  same  course,  until  the  day  fixed 
for  my  marriage  with  Amanda  had  arrived.  The  prelimina 
ries  gave  me  very  little  concern.  I  was  to  have  a  new  suit, 
a  wedding  suit;  the  style  I  left  to  the  taste  and  judgment  of  a 
Boston  tailor.  I  will  not  mention  his  name.  He  kept  his 
shop  near  the  old  State  House.  My  outfit  included,  of  course, 
a  new  hat.  new  gloves,  and  other  less  expensive  articles. 
Amanda  visited  Boston,  and  was  having  prepared  for  her  an 
outfit  not  to  be  despised  by  any  belle  of  New  York.  There 
was  a  great  deal  of  talk  about  the  matter  in  Cranberry  Centre, 
and  the  occasion  was  to  be  attended  with  such  ceremonies,  so 
the  gossips  had  it,  that  it  would  be  long  remembered. 

It  is  strange  that  there  are  some  public  necessities  which 
interfere  so  frequently  with  private  comforts,  and  there  ap 
pears  to  be  always  at  work  some  active  brain  to  invent 
machinery  to  produce  these  unpleasant  inroads  upon  private 
arrangements  in  social  life.  If  my  reader's  memory  is  of 
average  retentive  quality,  I  need  not  remind  him  what  I  have 
related  as  a  peculiarity  in  the  Batkins  family,  and  perhaps  it 
may  have  been  the  same  with  some  other  families,  that  is, 
a  determination  that,  if  possible,  no  clue  should  be  given  as  to 


JEFFERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  469 

the  age  of  any  member  thereof.  With  the  Batkinses  this 
arises  from  no  desire  to  appear  any  younger  than  we  are,  — 
for  it  is  my  theory,  that  it  is  not  a  question  of  years,  an  ar 
tificial  division  of  time,  but  a  question  of  power,  that  decides 
the  stamina,  or  enduring  quality,  — but  from  a  reserved  right 
we  would  like  to  enjoy,  to  know  something  of  ourselves  that 
our  neighbors  do  not,  and  keep  our  own  reckonings  accordingly. 

Every  person  who  has  had  much  to  do  with  horse-trading 
knows  that  the  age  of  the  animals  is  made  one  great  question, 
and  they  also  know  that  it  is  the  usage  and  the  work  that 
make  young  horses  old,  and  old  horses  as  good  as  young,  if 
not  so  salable.  I  have  seen  old  horses,  that  had  the  "  tough  " 
in  them,  —  if  it  was  never  there,  age  will  not  make  it,  —  that 
would  show  more  speed  and  endurance  than  young  ones.  Dr. 
Slawter's  idea  was  that  there  was  but  little  difference  in 
this  respect  between  human  beings  and  other  domesticated 
animals.  There's  a  good  deal,  of  course,  in  feeding  and  driv 
ing,-  whether  it  is  mankind  or  beast.  In  mankind  there  is 
not  much  judging  by  their  teeth ;  in  colts  and  horses  they 
"tell." 

These  thoughts  were  naturally  enough  eliminated,  you 
understand,  in  consequence  of  the  necessity  of  a  certificate 
from  the  town-clerk,  of  our  purpose  of  marriage,  in  accordance 
with  the  statute,  in  which,  among  other  things,  the  age 
of  the  parties  must  be  given.  In  consultation  with  Amanda 
as  to  what  her  opinion  was  of  this  law,  she  said'  it  was  im 
material  to  her,  as  she  was  not  exactly  sure  how  old  she  was. 
and  had  not  given  herself  the  trouble  to  ascertain,  since 
coming  to  her  legal  age. 

I  said:  "Amanda,  it  does  seem  odd  for  me  to  be  talking 
about  such  things,  but  we  must,  have  a  certificate,  or  the 
minister  will  not  marry  us,  and  we  must  have  the  years  put 
on  the  record  to  prove  that  we  are  both  of  lawful  age,  and  have 
right  to  do  such  a  thing." 


470  LIFE    OF 

Amanda  said,  "  If  that  is  all,  there  can  be  no  need  of  it. 
Anybody  can  see  that  we  are  old  enough  to  be  married." 

I  said  :  "  That  will  not  do;  it  is  not  a  question  of  seeing. 
We  must  tell  the  town-clerk,  and  get  the  document.  I  really 
should  not  feel  like  telling  a  wrong  story  to  friend  Fairtax, 
who  has  known  me  ever  since  I  was  born." 

Amanda  said  I  might  do  as  I  pleased.  She  was  sure  she 
was  thirty. 

I  suggested  to  her  that  the  law  had  a  penalty  of  two  hundred 
dollars'  fine,  if  any  person  wilfully  gave  a  wrong  age  ;  and  as 
I  had  been  a  legislator  I  did  not  want  to  break  the  law. 

She  said :  "  Two  hundred  dollars  is  no  great  sum;  but  I 
rather  think  this  law  was  made  not  to  be  enforced.  I  never 
heard  of  anybody  being  prosecuted,  for  breaking  it,  in  Cran 
berry  Centre.  I  know  when  Almira  Jenks  was  married,  she 
told  me  she  was  just  thirty-nine.  About  half  an  hour  after 
wards,  I  asked  ma  to  ask  her  how  long  her  father  had  been 
dead,  and  she  said,  forty-four  years.  Now,  I  don't  believe 
that  she  ever  paid  any  two  hundred  dollars." 

I  told  Amanda  I  would  inquire  around  a  little,  and  fix  it 
some  way ;  and  I  did  so.  I  told  her  I  would  send  one  of  our  men 
from  the  farm,  with  a  request  to  the  town-clerk  to  send  me  the 
certificate.  Amanda  said,  "Do  what  you  think  best,  Mr. 
Batkins.  We  had  a  cute  sort  of  old  fellow  from  Vermont, 
who  used  to  say,  when  matters  were  sometimes  left  to  his 
discretion,  'A  nod  is  as  good  as  a  wink  to  a  blind  horse.'  ' 
After  a  little  banter  about  the  ages  of  horses  and  cattle. 
I  asked  the  man  if  he  could  guess  about  what  my 
age  was.  He  said  he  thought  he  could  set  it  within  a  year 
or  two.  I  told  him  to  try,  and  he  did;  he  made  a  very 
good  guess.  I  handed  a  slip  of  paper  to  him,  with  the  name 
Amanda  Feathergilt  written  on  it.  Says  I,  "  You  know  Miss 
Feathergilt?" 


JKFFERSOtf  S.    B ATKINS.  471 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  squire,  I  do.  That's  the  lady  you  ex 
pect  to  marry?  " 

I  told  him  it  was,  and  asked  him  how  old  he  thought  she 
was. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "I  have  seen  her  about  some  time ;  but 
some  girls  begin  to  go  about  amongst  folks  so  young,  there's 
no  knowing  for  certain ;  but  I  should  think  she  was  a  little 
rising  thirty,  say  thirty-one,  or  two,  or  three,  or  thereaway." 

"You  are  pretty  good  at  guessing,  although  I  don't  know 
her  age.  If  the  town-clerk  asks  you  for  our  ages,  I  think 
you  might  say  Miss  Feathergilt  was  thirty,  and  my  age  about 
as  you  said,  forty  years." 

He  said  he  would  do  it,  and  he  did,  —  and  in  less  than  an 
hour  I  had  the  certificate,  which  I  showed  to  Amanda,  who 
smiled,  said  she  guessed  she  was  thirty,  and  certainly  did 
not  care  who  knew  it ;  still,  she  thought  such  a  law  was  a 
temptation  to  some  people  not  to  be  too  exact  in  telling  their 
age. 

We  were  now  "  equipped,  as  the  law  directs,"  as  it  used  to 
be  on  the  notice  for  May  training,  in  the  old  militia  days.  I 
have  never  mentioned  anything  about  my  military  experience, 
and  I  do  not  think  I  shall,  at  this  period  of  my  life,  when  I 
am  about  to  enter  into  the  bonds  of  wedlock. 

Amanda  and  I  joked  one  another  about  this  marriage,  and 
what  we  said  was  well  enough  between  us  two ;  but  if  I  could 
recollect  the  identical  words,  I  do  not  think  it  would  be  proper 
to  repeat  them,  and  have  Amanda  read  them  in  my  book. 


472  LIFE    OP 


CHAPTER  LXV. 

MY   MARRIAGE.  * 

I  AM  now  approaching  delicate  ground,  and  do  not  propose 
to  be  particular  in  the  description  of  the  ceremonies  of  this 
great  event  of  my  life  and  subsequent  transactions.  I  will 
just  observe,  I  grew  less  observant  of  my  bachelor  practice  of 
keeping  a  journal.  As  to  the  noting  of  ordinary  matters,  I  will 
say  this,  when  the  day  appointed  for  our  marriage  arrived,  I 
was  dressed  as  a  bridegroom,  and  when  I  gazed  at  myself  in 
the  looking-glass,  I  was  a  little  nervous.  I  had  seen  prize- 
oxen  dressed  up  with  ribbons  at  cattle-fairs.  I  queried  then 
whether  the  cattle  were  thinking  of  what  was  to  follow.  I  had 
not  made  up  my  mind  exactly  that  I  was  to  be  a  victim  for 
slaughter  even  in'  a  rhetorical  sense.  My  nervousness  was 
rather  a  pleasant  kind  of  sensation,  and  being  encouraged  by 
Aunt  Dolly,  who  had  no  experience  in  such  matters,  I  was 
prepared  for  the  worst,  and  that  was  whether  I  should  behave 
in  a  becoming  manner. 

I  had  commenced  erecting  a  new  house,  and  until  it  was 
finished  we  were  to  reside  at  the  homestead.  The  ceremony 
was  to  be  private,  with  the  exception  of  the  members  of  both 
families.  Aunt  Dolly  and  my  father  rode  over  to  Swans- 
down  Terrace  in  an  old  chaise.  I  followed  alone  in  a  carriage. 
My  wedding  suit  was  a  little  more  in  the  fashion  than  was 
comfortable.  I  am  not  going  to  describe  it ;  I  only  mean  to 
state  that  the  straps  that  held  the  trousers  over  my  boots 
rather  fretted  me,  when  I  was  in  a  sitting  posture. 

When  I  arrived  at  Swansdown  Terrace  I  was  received  joy- 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  473 

fully,  found  Amanda  dressed  in  her  bridal  robes, -and,  as  she 
appeared  to  me  then,  not  a  vestige  of  the  rat-like  look  was 
left  in  her  face ;  but  she  did  not  display  any  sort  of  nervous 
ness.  As  I  entered  the  apartment  where  she  was  waiting 
with  her  bridesmaids,  she  said,  in  a  pleasant  way,  "Good- 
evening,  Mr.  Batkins." 
•  "  Good-evening,  Mrs.  Batkins,"  said  I,  "  that  is  —  " 

"  Not  yet,"  she  said. 

All  present  laughed,  supposing  I  had  thus  addressed  her  as 
a  sort  of  joke,  allowable  at  weddings.  I  did  not  intend  it  as 
such,  but  smiled,  after  my  old  fashion,  and  let  it  pass. 

There  was  some  stir  in  the  hall  where  the  small  party  was 
assembled.  I  had  no  friend  to  stand  up  with  me,  much  to  the 
disappointment  of  the  bridesmaids  ;  if  Bean  had  not  been  in 
the  lunatic  asylum,  I  suppose  he  would  have  insisted  upon  do 
ing  the  honors  in  that  way.  At  last  somebody  asked  if  we 
were  ready.  Amanda  said  yes  before  I  had  an  opportunity 
to  reply.  She  took  me  by  the  arm,  and  we  passed  to  the  great 
parlor,  where  the  minister  was  waiting  for  us.  In  the  usual 
way  we  were  married.  The  minister  said,  "  I  pronounce  you 
man  and  wife."  It  sounded  odd.  I  looked  at  her,  and  said, 
"  Amanda,  it  is  Mrs.  Batkins  now  ?  " 

"Yes,"  she  said,  "Jefferson,  forever  —  and  ever." 

We  had  wine  and  cake,  kissing  among  the  girls,  and  jokes 
among  the  old  folks.  Horace  had  to  stand  a  little  guessing 
as  to  its  being  his  turn  next.  Father  and  Aunt  Dolly  were 
among  the  first  to  depart.  The  minister  followed,  taking  his 
share  of  cake.  Amanda  retired  with  her  bridesmaids,  leaving 
me  for  the  present  with  her  father  and  brother.  .  We  were  not 
to  go  on  any  bridal  tour.  She  was  to  go  to  the  homestead  to 
spend  the  honeymoon,  as  my  mother  did,  when  she  left  off  the 
name  of  Withaspoon. 

I  suppose  the  honeymoon  is  a  rhetorical  figure,  and  therefore 
may  not  always  be  a  full  moon.  I  suppose  ours  was  passed  in 


474  LIFE   OF 

pretty  much  the  same  way  as  other  people's  that  stay  at  home 
and  do  not  go  off  to  hide  themselves  from  their  friends,  as  if 
they  had  been  doing  something  they  were  ashamed  of.  Every 
body  seemed  pleased  at  Mrs.  Batkins'  way  of  getting  along, 
and  it  did  tickle  Aunt  Dolly  amazingly  to  have  my  wife  in 
quire  the  ways  of  housekeeping. 

"  It  is  astonishing  to  me,"  said  Aunt  Dolly,  "  that  any  person 
can  be  so  innocent  of  every-day  work ;  but  I  will  say  this  for 
your  wife,  that  she  is  willing  to  learn,  and  before  the  year  is 
out,  if  nothing  happens  to  prevent,  she  will  be  a  considerably 
good  house-keeper.  Why,  Jefferson,  she  made  a  plum-pudding 
yesterday,  with  a  little  of  my  help,  and  it  is  not  everybody 
that  can  make  a  pudding  with  plums  in  it,  and  have  it  prop 
erly  done.  If  she  had  begun  a  little  earlier,  I  think  she  would 
have  made  as  good  a  dairywoman  as  any  of  them.  But, 
Jefferson,  there  is  no  need  of  that;  with  so  much  money  as 
will  come  to  her,  what  is  the  need  of  working?  But  then  I 
stick  to  my  old  notion,  that  no  one  can  keep  house  and  have 
hired  help  do  right,  unless  they  know  how  to  do  things  them 
selves." 

I  used  to  feel  pleasant  to  listen  to  Aunt  Dolly's  discourses, 
and  it  did  me  good,  when  folks  inquired  after  the  health  of  my 
wife,  to  be  able  to  answer  the  question  according  to  circum 
stances,  you  understand. 

It  was  something  true,  as  Aunt  Dolly  said,  she  did  not  talk 
so  much  about  "  Charlotte  Temple  "  and  such  like  books  ;  but 
there  was  more  dictionary  and  history  about  her  than  I  thought 
of,  and  she  took  pride  and  pleasure,  as  she  termed  it,  in  assist 
ing  her  husband  in  his  literary  labors.  She  was  very  fond,  I 
thought,  of  calling  me  husband  before  folks,  and  I  would  state 
more  as  to  her  good  qualities,  but  as  she  looks  over  the  page  as 
I  write  sometimes,  I  am  fearful  she  would  object  to  any  flatter 
ing  notice  of  her  domestic  qualities,  beyond  what  I  have  stated, 
being  printed  in  this  book. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  475 

What  with  my  wife's  modesty  on  one  side  and  the  pertinacity 
of  my  coadjutor  on  the  other,  I  am  restrained  very  much  in  my 
flow  of  words,  and  restricted  in  the  complete  development  of 
my  thoughts,  therefore  to  the  imagination  of  the  reader  must 
be  left  much  that  I  would  gladly  discourse  upon,  with  a  view 
to  influence  as  many  of  my  readers  as  possible  to  enter  into 
matrimonial  engagements,  thus  doing  something  to  equalize  the 
disproportion  in  the  census  between  marriageable  males  and 
females. 

Example,  it  is  said,  is  better  than  precept.  I  have  mar 
ried  late  in  life  ;  but  better  late  than  never.  Bachelor,  go 
thou  and  do  likewise  ;  maiden,  when  you  see  an  inclination  on 
the  part  of  some  friend  of  the  opposite  sex,  do  not  let  the 
chance  go  by,  by  reason  of  no  encouragement  on  your  part. 
I  think  one  of  the  first  steps  towards  equalizing  the  rights  of 
women  is  to  permit  them,  without  detriment  to  their  modesty, 
to  ask  a  man  to  marry,  as  well  as  to  wait  to  be  asked.  No 
one  need  die  because  of  a  refusal.  Aunt  Dolly  used  to  say 
"  There  are  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  were  caught." 

My  experience,  so  far,  rather  corroborates  these  views  for 
ameliorating  the  condition  of  unmarried  females.  As  to 
unmarried  men,  their  opportunities  and  privileges  in  this 
respect  being  ample,  I  have  no  sympathies  to  throw  away 
upon  their  sufferings,  whatever  they  may  be.  or  from  whatever 
source  derived. 

I  have  only  to  add,  I  was  more  engaged  in  the  raising  of 
sheep  than  formerly;  but  employed  a  reasonable  amount  of 
time  in  increasing  my  store  of  useful  knowledge. 


476  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER   LXVI. 

THE    COMING   MAN. 

A  YEAR  had  passed  since  our  marriage.  I  had  been  a 
great  part  of  my  time  occupied  in  superintending  the  new 
house.  I  voted  at  the  election,  but  took  no  part  in  the  can 
vass.  I  was  not  so  much  in  the  house  as  formerly,  and  on 
one  or  two  occasions  visited  Boston,  and  remained  over  night, 
accepting  the  hospitality  of  my  friend  Wilson.  My  wife  went 
with  me,  and  made  a  good  impression  on  such  of  my  friends 
as  became  acquainted  with  her.  Now, and  then  she  was  a 
little  indisposed,  and  our  old  friend  and  physician,  Dr.  Slaw- 
ter,  thought  she  had  not  better  disturb  herself  about  the  fur 
niture  and  other  matters  for  the  new  house.  At  one  time  I 
began  to  feel  serious  misgivings  that  I  should  lose  Amanda,  as 
she  really  did  appear  to  me  to  be  quite  unwell,  and  I  went  to 
the  doctor  to  inquire  if  she  was  in  any  danger.  He  said, 
"  Keep  at  work  on  your  house,  Batkins.  I  should  not  be  in  a 
hurry  about  moving  in,  until  everything  is  dry  —  paint, 
plaster,  and  all."  At  the  time  I  had  some  hard  thoughts  in 
relation  to  the  deception  the  doctor  practised  upon  me ;  but 
when  I  came  to  understand  his  reason,  I  properly  appreciated 
his  consideration,  and  the  delicate  way  he  managed  to  keep  me 
in  the  dark  as  to  what  was  soon  to  transpire. 

It  is  among  the  irreconcilable  occurrences  of  my  life,  that 
in  view  of  what  was  passing  before  my  eyes  daily,  I  should 
have  been  so  stupidly  ignorant  and  undiscerning.  I  saw  — 

One  day,  when  I  had  just  returned  from  the  new  house, 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  477 

thinking  it  was  about  ready  for  occupancy,  I  found  the  house 
in  great  commotion.  Aunt  Dolly  was  unusually  mysterious 
and  silent.  I  inquired  for  my  wife,  and  was  going  to  her 
room,  when  Aunt  Dolly  stopped  me,  saying,  "Jefferson, 
your  father  wants  to  see  you." 

"  I  will  go  to  him.  Where's  Richard  ?  "  that  was  our  hired 
man,  who  stated  our  ages  to  Mr.  Fairtax. 

"  He  has  gone  after  the  doctor  and  Mrs.  Green." 

"The  doctor,  Aunt  Dolly?  Has  anything  happened  to 
my  wife  ?  " 

"No." 

"Who  is  Mrs.  Green?" 

"The  nurse." 

"Doctor!  nurse!  Aunt  Dolly?" 

At  this  moment  Dr.  Slawter  came  in.  He  was  smiling, 
said,  "  Good-day,  Mr.  Batkins.  I  do  not  suppose  I  am 
needed;  but  better  too  soon  than  too  late;"  and  passed 
along,  without  waiting  to  reply  to  my  question  as  to 

At  this  moment  I  was  attracted  by  the  entrance  of  Mrs. 
Green,  —  a  chubby,  fat-faced  lady,  —  who  was  followed  by 
Richard,  carrying  in  his  hands  a  bandbox,  a  carpet-bag,  and 
bunch  of  herbs,  as  I  thought,  partly  sticking  out  from  the 
paper  that  was  rolled  about  them. 

I  confess  I  did  begin  to  surmise  something,  and  began  to 
scold  Aunt  Dolly  for  not  telling  me  all  about  it.  Mrs. 
Green  had  followed  the  doctor,  when  my  father  entered  the 
house,  saying,  "  Jeff,  I  have  the  smartest-looking  colt  in  the 
stable  I  have  seen  for  many  a  day.  I  want  you  to  come  and 
look  at  it ;  handsome  as  a  picture.  I  never  laid  eyes  on  his 
beat  for  his  age."  I  was  about  to  decline  the  visit  to  the 
stable,  when*  the  old  gentleman  said,  "Jeff,  I  know  how  you 
feel ;  but  at  such  times  as  this,  it  is  best  to  keep  out  of  the 
way,  and  leave  matters  to  the  doctor  and  the  women  folks," 


478  LIFE   OF 

I  said  yes,  but —  I  went  to  the  barn;  I  saw  the  colt;  but 
my  niind  was  in  no  condition  to  estimate  on  the  good  points 
in  this  juvenile  specimen  of  horse-flesh.  I  agreed  to  every 
thing  the  old  gentleman  said,  and  as  soon  as  possible  returned 
to  the  house.  Aunt  Dolly  had  prepared  my  dinner.  I  sat 
down  and  tried  to  eat.  I  was  listening,  and  every  time  the 
door  opened,  I  expected  to  hear  something. 

After  what  seemed  to  me  a  month  of  time,  though  in  real 
ity  not  more  than  an  hour  of  anxiety,  the  doctor  came  into 
the  room.  He  was  smiling.  I  assumed  almost  an  air  of 
indifference  in  my  endeavor  to  appear  calm,  and  I  said, 
"  Doctor,  how  is  the  —  "  hiding  my  face  with  a  towel  which  I 
was  pretending  to  use  about  my  lips. 

"  As  well  as  could  be  expected,  and  —  " 

"What  is  it,  doctor?  " 

"A  boy." 

I  am  —  a •  .     * 

*  If  my  reader  can  make  out  all  that  is  necessary  for  him  to  know  from  this  chap- 
tor,  I  am  satisfied.  My  coadjutor  says  my  detail  of  feelings  and  expressions  can  bo 
omitted.  According  to  his  idea,  the  subject  is  so  commonplace  it  did  not  deserve  a 
chapter,  he  said.  The  reader's  power  of  anticipation  used  at  the  beginning,  would 
enable  him  to  know  what  was  coming,  and  when  the  announcement  was  made,  it 
has  come,  that  would  cover  all  the  ground. 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  479 


CHAPTER  LXVIL 

CONDENSATION. 

FOUR  elaborate  chapters,  covering  the  actions  of  as  many 
years,  are  to  be  condensed  into' one  by  the  advice  of  my  merciless 
coadjutor.  .  First,  my  wife  did  well ;  so  did  the  young  Batkins, 
who  was  named  Jefferson  F.  Batkins,  —  F.  for  Feathergilt, 
for  family  reasons.  He  was  suckled,  weaned ;  some  said 
looked  like  his  father,  some  like  his  mother ;  had  the  measles, 
and  was  vaccinated.  His  grandfather,  on  the  maternal  side, 
gave  him  a  silver  cup.  spoon,  and  other  articles.  It  was  getting 
to  be  the  fashion  to  have  coats-of-arms  on  teaspoons,  chairs,  and 
back  doors,  as  well  as  on  the  pannels  of  carriages.  Batkins.  jr., 
must  be  made  thus  distinguished.  My  old  heirloom,  as  rep 
resented,  was  sent -to  the  artist  to  copy,  who  discovered  that 
it  was  a  deception,  the  work  of  some  waggish  itinerant,  who  thus 
imposed  upon  my  great-grandfather.  If  my  reader  will  turn 
back  to  the  "  fac-simile,"  carefully  read  the  artist's  name,  arid 
the  day  of  the  month,  he  will  perceive  wherein  the  joke  is,  if  lie 
did  not  discover  it  at  the  first  reading.  Put  another  o  in  place  of 
the  u,  add  an  e  between  the  I  and  d,  and  the  story  is  told.  I 
wonder  if  the  heraldic  devices  on  some  American  noblemen's 
carriage-doors  are  not  founded  upon  similar  impositions.  I 
still  keep  the  picture ;  but  it  is  not  honored  with  a  conspicu 
ous  place  at  the  homestead. 

I  had  omitted  to  state,  in  its  proper  order,  that  we  moved 
into  the  new  house.  Although  suggested  by  friends  that  we 
ought  to  have  a  girl,  and  not  objected  to  by  myself  and  wife, 
none  appeared ;  and  though  it  is  not  anticipating  anything  origi- 


480  LIFE    OF 

nally  mentioned  in  the  four  condensed  chapters,  I  will  say 
we  never  did  have  another  addition  to  our  family,  and  Jeffer 
son  Feathergilt  Batkins  reigned  supreme. 

Very  few  of  our  friends  died  during  this  time.  I  was  en 
gaged  as  usual  in  literary  pursuits.  The  subject  of  making 
Cranberry  Centre  a  city  was  in  agitation.  Being  now  a  mar 
ried  man,  I  was  eligible  for  the  office  of  mayor.  I  en 
couraged  the  idea,  but  I  had  political  enemies  among  the 
shoemakers.  I  missed  Bean  much,  as  to  advice  in  politics. 
He  was  in  a  State  lunatic  hospital.  I  visited  him  once.  He 
did  not  care  to  be  liberated,  and  was  engaged  in  financial 
problems. 

Mrs.  Bean  was  living  in,  retirement,  on  a  handsome  allow 
ance.  A  guardian  had  been  appointed  for  Bean,  in  order  to 
settle  matters  in  a  legal  way.  It  was  anticipated,  at  his 
death,  heirs  in  abundance  would  appear.  It  will  be  remem 
bered  my  son  was  interested  in  the  validity  of  this  will. 
Lawyers,  in  several  States,  had  been  furnished  with  copies,  in 
order  to  look  up  authorities.  Medical  experts  in  psychologi 
cal  science  had  been  consulted  also  as  to  precedents. 

Seth  Spring,  Bean's  guardian,  sagaciously  suggested  this 
shrewd  forecast  and  cautious  action,  Bean  having  but  recently 
recovered  from  a  sudden  attack  of  brain  disease,  which  the  med 
ical  faculty  thought,  if  recurrent,  would  kill  him. 

I  had  introduced  here  my  own  views  upon  insanity,  particu 
larly  that  of  Bean's,  what  I  called  common-sense  ideas  upon 
the  transmission  theory.  My  coadjutor,  for  reasons  best 
known  to  himself,  discarded  them,  and  as  his  pen  marked  out 
the  passages,  he  almost  inaudibly  said,  "Pooh!  nonsense —  . 
there  are  no  common-sense  views  of  insanity ;  of  what  use 
is  guessing  in  the  calculation  of  eclipses?  " 

I  remarked,  "I  am  to  understand  you  do  not  attach  much 
importance  to  the  use  of  common  sense  in  the  affairs  of  life." 

u  I  do;    and  wish  there  were  more  persons  influenced  by  it 


JEFFERSON  S.    EATA'INS.  481 

What  has  that  to  do  with  the  solution  of  the  problems  of  science  ? 
Common  sense  may  appreciate  and  apply  them,  but  not  work 
them  out." 

He  gave  examples  which  I  would  have  introduced. 

The  points  are  the  answer,  the  language  expunged. 

I  desired  to  have  my  son  commence  his  education  early,  to 
obviate  the  short-comings  in  my  own  case,  and  proposed  to 
place  him  under  the  tutelage  of  Mr.  Birch. 

Dr.  Slawter  dissented.  "Let  him  pick  up  his  alphabet  as  a 
matter  of  amusement;  educate  him  in  things,  not  books,  while 
his  brain  is  developing.  His  mother  is  his  best  instructress 
while  his  teeth  are  coming."  Here  was  added  some  idea  of 
the  folly  of  putting  too  much  work  on  the  brain,  the  doctor 
showing  that  thought  was  a  blood  product,  as  well  as  muscu 
lar  strength  ;  and  a  hard  day's  work  for  the  brain  was  more 
exhaustive  than  a  hard  day's  work  of  ploughing  or  digging. 

Mrs.  Batkins'  ideas  were-  discussed  from  her  new  experien 
ces  as  to  these  matters. 

But  my  coadjutor  says  my  autobiography  should  not  be  made 
a  vehicle  of  medical  opinion  nor  nursery  literature,  though  he 
does  not  disagree  with  Dr.  Slawter's  opinion  on  the  whole. 

More  points.  These  represent  quite  an  account  of  Mr. 
Horace  Feathergilt's  political  progress,  and  some*  gossip  as  to 
his  intended  marriage  with  one  of  the  minister's  daughters, 
with  some  anecdotes  of  the  minister. 

Without  reference  to  chronological  unities,  I  am  advised  to 
terminate  this  chapter  with  the  statement  that  after  an  ex 
citing  presidential  contest,  in  which  I  took  no  active  part,  a 
war  of  seceded  States,  against  those  known  as  the  United 
States,  succeeded  this  change  of  administration,  and  while 
this  war  was  progressing  my  son  had  arrived  at  his 
seventh  birthday  anniversary,  finishing  his  first  age  of 


482  LIFE    OP 

development  in  the  molecular  way.  I  had  endeavored  to  com 
pare  his  state  with  my  own  at  the  same  period,  making  proper 
allowance,  of  course.  I  do  not  know  that  I  care  to  note  the 
result.  It  is  my  intention  to  educate  him  well,  at  any  rate, 
and  as  soon  as  the  doctor  agrees  to  it,  Mr.  Birch  is  to  take  him 
in  hand.  An  odd  coincidence,  father  and  son  being  educated 
by  the  same  teacher !  It  has  not  come  to  that  yet,  but  stranger 
things  have  happened,  and  may  again. 


JEFFERSON   S.    B  ATKINS.  483 


CHAPTER  LXVIL 

AN    INTERREGNUM. 

I  HOPE  my  reader  may  not  be  frightened  at  the  word  at  the 
head  of  this  chapter ;  it  is  taken  for  granted  that  he  understands 
that  it  is  a  foreign  word,  and  knows  its  definition.  I  had  un 
dertaken  in  a  few  chapters  the  task  of  proving  to  my  readers  how 
rapid  had  been  my  advancement  in  the  acquirement  of  learn 
ing.  With  the  history  of  Rome  as  my  chief  authentic  source. 
I  proposed,  while  I  recorded  the  doings  of  politicians  in  our 
republic,  to  show  the  tendencies  in  the  policy  directing  our  ac 
tions  to  destroy  this  home  of  freedom  %  as  Imperial  Rome  was 
destroyed  by  such  practices.  I  proposed,  also,  to  compare  the 
Ciceros,  Catilines,  and  Caesars  with  similar-conditioned  individ 
uals  of  our  own  times.  I  proposed  to  show  how  easy  it  was  to  be 
come  a  great  statesman,  a  historian,  or  any  other  professor  of  any 
high  calling,  —  formerly  supposed  to  require  experience,  ob 
servation,  and  study  for  a  long  time,  — in  a  short  period  of  work 
ing  at  it,  if  you  are  allowed  to  decide  the  matter  for  your 
self,  or  if  your  friends  and  relations  are  to  do  it  for  you. 

I  had  written  a  somewffat  abridged  history  of  our  Civil 
War,  to  show  how  we  copied  the  doings  of  the  Romans  in  re 
warding  the  generals  who  lost  battles,  if  they  were  useful  on 
political  grounds,  and  punished  those  who  won  them,  if  it  in 
terfered  with  other  ulterior  plans;  with  many  other  useful 
reflections  and  inferences  from  my  stand-point,  important,  of 
course. 

I  also  interspersed  here  and  there  my  domestic  experiences, 
and  how  I  was  affected  by  'the  consequences  of  the  war ;  how 


484  LIFE    OF 

suddenly  some  of  my  neighbors  grew  rich,  and  how  our  min 
ister,  now  somewhat  advanced  in  years,  had  changed  his  lamb 
like  views.  My  readers,  perhaps,  will  not  forget  his  accident 
at  Simms'  Folly,  and  how  quietly  he  retired  to  his  home,  that 
the  needle  and  thread  of  his  wife  might  be  used  in  repairing 
the  damages  his  garments  had  sustained.  During  the  war. 
though  in  sheep's  clothing,  he  became  a  wolfish  and  sanguinary 
parson.  Mr.  Dovedrake  would  not  have  minded  that  rent  in 
his  trousers,  if  he  had  been  preaching  a  war  sermon,  nor 
stopped  until  he  had  finished  if  the  rent  had  been  double  the 
size  of  that  referred  to  above. 

I  had  also  introduced  my  wife's  views  on  the  war,  and  the 
growing  propensity  on  the  part  of  the  junior  Batkins  of  our 
household  to  decorate  himself  in  military  apparel,  and  flourish 
swords  and  pistols,  much  to  the  discomfort  of  the  female  por 
tion  of  the  family. 

I  was  endeavoring  to  prove  in  this  part  of  my  history  how 
this  young  scion  inherited  warlike  elements.  According  to 
Dr.  Slawter's  theory  of  transmission,  bellicose  molecules  were 
not  in  my  composition.  Mrs.  Batkins,  during  her  visit 
to  the  homestead,  may  have  seen  my  grandfather's  mili 
tary  coat,  as  I  described  it,  hanging  on  a  peg  in  our  best 
room  ;  but  I  declare  I  am  faithless  in  the  supposition  that  war 
like  qualities  can  be  engendered  in  that  way  in  a  time  of  peace. 

The  following  opinion,  sent  to  me  in  writing,  will  account 
for  the  absence  in  the  printed  pages  of  what  occurred  during, 
the  years  thus  transferred,  so  far  as  my  readers  are  concerned, 
to  that  state  called  oblivion,  rhetorically  used  frequently,  not  al 
ways  correctly,  for  my  reader  cannot  forget  what  he  never  knew. 

"  I  think  chapters objectionable.     lam 

not  assisting  you  in  writing  a  history  of  the  civil  war,  as 
you  term  it ;  our  views  are  not  in  accord  either  as  to  the  so- 
called  facts  or  the  conclusions  drawn  from  them.  I  do  not  be 
lieve  a  strictly  impartial  history  of  the  military  and  political 
events  of  the  past  ten  years  can  be  written  by  any  person  on- 


JEFFERSON  S.    BATKINS.  485 

listed  on  cither  side  of  the  great  contest,  even  if  possessed  of 
your  well-known  conservative  qualities,  Mr.  Batkins ;  in  jour 
written  life  these  grave  matters  are  out  of  place. 

"  As  to  your  wife's  views  on  the  war,  I  think  they  had  better 
not  appear.  Domestic  belligerent  powers  and  rights  are  ac 
corded  to  women,  but  as  there  is  no  international  code  to  define 
these  rights  accurately,  I  do  not  feel  like  being  a  party  in 
opening  the  question  as  to  what  is  the  duty  of  neutrals  in  a 
given  case.  I  think  this  had  better  be  deferred  until  woman's 
political  condition  is  Constitutionally  determined. 

"  As  to  young  Batkins  and  his  military  propensities,  it  is  un 
likely  that,  outside  of  his  immediate  family  circle,  they  would 
be  regarded  with  much  interest.  If  it  is  desirable  to  have  the 
offspring  of  the  present  generation  inherit  military  qualities, 
and  the  force  of  imagination  is  to  assist  in  this  consummation, 
there  are  abundance  of  military  uniforms,  in  the  homes  of  retired 
generals  and  other  officers,  to  serve  the  purpose  of  the  striped 
rods  recorded  in  sacred  writ,  as  to  the  lambs  to  be  allotted  to 
k  Jacob's  share.  Mr.  Batkins,  junior,  may  desire  some  day  to 
write  his  life.  I  do  not  think  it  fair  for  you  to  compile  a  history 
of  his  early  days,  and  introduce  it  in  the  last  days  of  your  own. 

1  i  As  to  your  making  your  life  instructive  as  well  as  amus 
ing,  that,  to  be  sure,  is  your  affair.  Amusing  books  please 
both  public  and  publisher;  books  of  instruction  are  for  schools, 
not  for  parlor  tables.  Your  fondness,  as  you  term  it.  for  Roman 
history,  is  evidence  that  you  are  of  the  past ;  and  the  idea  of 
studying  history  to  avoid  the  mistakes,  blunders,  and  errors 
of  friends,  governments,  and  peoples,  is  an  absurdity  never 
once  thought  of  by  modern  statesmen ,  although  sometimes 
referred  to  in  speeches  as  evidence  of  former  reading. 

' '  When  a  disagreeable  accident  has  occurred,  either  on  a 
railroad  or  on  the  ocean,  it  is  not  the  accepted  policy  to  dis 
cover  or  to  publish  the  cause  as  a  basis  of  preventive  treat 
ment.  It  is  more  quieting  to  travellers  if  it  remains  unknown. 
Trains  and  ships  can  be  run  on  the  chances  that  lightning 


486  LIFE    OF 

and  cannon-shot  rarely  strike  twice  in  the  same  place.  In 
creased  knowledge  of  atmospheric  phenomena  and  improvement 
in  gunnery  have  somewhat  damaged  this  aphorism  since  the 
colored  gentleman's  day,  who 'originally  had  credit  for  this  con 
servative  opinion. 

"  Once  more  to  refer  to  your  friend  the  doctor's  theory  of 
transmission.  It  appears  to  me  that  the  present  race  of  those 
who  are  to  undertake  the  duties  of  fathers  and  mothers,  for 
the  most  part,  have  absorbed  so  much  of  the  new  idea  of 
things,  that,  if  their  children  do  inherit  the  progressive  quali 
ties  of  the  period,  schools  will  not  be  required  for  instruction 
in  either  art  or  science,  nor  books  need  be  written  except  to 
amuse  the  new  race. 

"  The  future  infantile  Cicero,  Alexander,  Aristotle,  Homer, 
Galen,  Hippocrates,  and  their  after-types,  of  whatever  name 
and  profession,  will  develop  their  mental  qualities  by  natural 
forces,  as  well  as  any  other  natural  organization  its  peculiarities. 
u  What  education  is  required  to  cause  a  mustard-seed  to 
develop  through  all  the  processes  of  growth  until  a  new  crop* 
of  seeds  is  ready  to  produce  a  new  set  of  plants  ? 

"  No  method  of  education  can  change  the  mustard-stalk  to 
a  rose-tree,  or  give  to  its  pungent  spherical  formation  the 
aroma  or  appearance  of  a  rose.  Artificial  culture  might  les 
sen  the  pungency  of  this  famous  condiment  and  rubifier,  and 
in  so  much  deprive  it  of  its  characteristic  usefulness. 

"  To  create  a  '  new  atmosphere  '  involves  hazardous  experi 
ments  upon  all  natural  living  organizations,  animal  and  vege 
table.  There  is  still  among  us  a  great  desire  for  a  new  mission 
in  all  the  attributes  of  life.  A  cannon  may  be  cast  from 
old  and  worn-out  stewpans,  if  the  metallic  combination  and 
composition  are  equivalent  to  the  duty  involved  in  a  new  con 
struction  ;  explosive  power  being  introduced  and  properly  fired, 
the  new  form  will  eject  shot  and  shell  as  effectually  as  the 
brazier's  old  patterns  did  dumplings,  when  properly  served 
by  that  domestic  gunner,  the  cook. 


JEFFERSON  S.    J3  ATKINS.  487 

"  Is  it  not  on  this  principle  of  recasting  old  metal,  giving  it 
new  form,  that  so  many  original  '  geniuses'  are  present  in  the 
world  pushing  their  claims  to  wealth  and  notoriety  ?  No  per 
sonal  reflection  intended,  Mr.  Batkins. 

"If  the  processes  of  old  book  changes  into  new  were  per 
formed  by  fusion,  as  in  the  case  of  the  metals,  the  inherent 
value  would  be  preserved,  with  only  a  proper  discount  for  dross 
in  the  melting  process.  In  literary  alchemy  chemical  action 
is  necessary  to  the  transmutation  of  thought,  —  a  mental  proc 
ess.  As  in  metals  the  old  and  new  are  mixed,  without  affinity  in 
some  combinations;  instead  of  fusion,  it  is  patchwork  —  a 
word-mosaic ;  modern  cement  and  gilding  conceal  the  badly 
matched  joinings  ;  a  peculiar  varnish  being  applied,  the  coun 
terfeit  passes  often  for  the  true. 

"  To  conclude,  I  have  only  to  say  I  do  not  think  it  advisa 
ble  for  you  to  write  a  history  of  the  war.  Many  like 
occurrences  of  your  life  have  been  the  lot  of  other  men.  You 
tell  your  story  in  your  way ;  it  may  appear  to  others  like 
other  stories  ;  it  is  resemblance,  not  copy.  No  two  persons  are 
exactly  alike,  yet  there  is  similarity,  and  similarity  includes 
many  shades  of  difference.  I  am  free  to  express  my  belief  that 
there  are  incidents  in  your  written  life  not  in  any  other, 
hitherto  published,  that  has  come  to  my  knowledge. 

"It  is  not  for  me  to  say  how  much  instruction  blended 
with  amusement  there  is  contained  in  your  pages.  I  do  not 
think  I  can  be  any  further  useful  to  you  in  carrying  your  life 
to  its  conclusion,  —  I  mean  the  biography.  I  hope  the 
'question'  of  your  death,  if  not  'enrolled  in  the  capitol,' 
will  be  an  open  question  for  many  years  to  come." 

I  am  inclined  to  abide  by  this  advice  of  my  coadjutor. 
"That  the  rude  scene  may  close  ""with  decency  and  in  order, 
I  will  contrive  briefly  to  make  some  parting  prospective  and  ret 
rospective  remarks,  in  my  own  language  in  part,  and  upon  my 
own  responsibility.  With  many  thanks  to  my  coadjutor  for  his 
assistance,  I  close  this  chapter. 


488  LIFE    OF 


CHAPTER  LXIX. 

PROSPECTIVE    AND    RETROSPECTIVE. 

AN  artist  in  Cranberry  Centre,  whose  skill  in  representing 
animal  life  was  not  equal  to  the  French  painter's,  —  whose 
name  I  have  forgotten,  or  if  I  could  recall  it  to  my 
mind  I  should  not  dare  to  write  or  speak,  lest  I  should  dis 
play  my  ignorance  of  the  fashionable  language  used  by  that 
steady-minded  nation,  the  French  people,  —  was  hired  to 
paint  a  sign  for  the  new  temperance  tavern  in  Cranberry  Cen 
tre,  with- the  request  that  he  should  make  a  man  driving  a 
flock  of  sheep,  and  they  to  appear  to  be  in  motion.  When  it 
was  finished  and  hung  up  on  the  post,  the  landlord  gave  a 
treat  of  lemonade,  spruce  beer,  and  crackers  and  cheese  in  his 
great  hall.  Some  said  that  in  another  room,  upstairs,  ardent 
and  inspiring  beverages  could  be  obtained.  I  have  no  knowl 
edge  of  this,  participating  myself  only  in  such  libations  as 
camu  from  the  pitcher  of  lemonade. 

There  was  much  talk  over  the  picture  on  the  sign:  a  dispute 
arose  as  to  whether  the  animals  were  hogs  or  sheep.  Some  could 
see  the  wool,  some  could  see  the  bristles  ;  the  artist  was  recom 
mended,  however,  to  paint,  on  the  bottom  of  the  sign,  "This 
is  a  flock  of  sheep,"  which  he  declined  to  do.  I  suppose  this 
critic  had  read  or  heard  the  anecdote  of  the  cow  on  a  picture, 
under  similar  circumstances  of  ambiguity. 

I  do  not  intend  to  give  all*  the  remarks  of  those  connoisseurs, 
—  I  think  that  is  the  word,  — either  in  the  art  of  painting  or 
sheep-driving.  One  said  the  tails'  showed  they  were  sheep ; 
another  that  they  were  all  going  one  way,  —  a  style  of  trav- 


JEFFERSON  S.    ft  ATKINS.  489 

elling  not  considered  proper  by  swine  in  their  migratory  jour 
neys. 

There  was  considerable  merriment  at  the  expense  of  the 
American  artist,  as  there  usually  is,  if  he  or  his  work  are 
brought  into  competition  with  foreigners. 

I  am  not  critic  enough  to  say,  of  my  own  judgment,  who 
was  right ;  but  I  think  if  the  artist  had  painted  "  These  are 
sheep,"  under  the  animals,  I  should  have  concluded  they  were 
sheep,  if  they  had  been  hogs  instead.  I  should  have  taken  it  for 
granted  the  painter  knew  best ;  though  I  think  the  explanation 
given  as  to  the  manner  of  the  animals  when  travelling  would 
have  had  weight  in  my  mind  and  led  me  to  doubt.  My  impression 
is,  from  what  I  have  heard  of  picture  shows,  that  more  people 
are  better  judges  of  the  frames  than  the  pictures.  But  why  I 
allude  to  this  subject  is  to  show  how  some  people  will  laugh  at 
and  ridicule  things  they  do  not  know  more  of  than  others. 

On  a  visit  to  a  city,  —  I  leave  out  the  name,  and  then  no 
body  will  be  offended,  —  I  observed  something  which  led  me 
to  infer  that  some  official  persons  had  a  not  very  high 
estimate  of  the  general  intelligence  of  it's  citizens.  I  had 
supposed  that,  however 'difficult  it  might  be  to  remember,  or 
even  to  know,  the  difference  between  different  patterns  of 
pleasure-carriages  under  so  many  different  names,  every 
body  understood  what  was  a  cart  and  what  was  a  wagon  ;  yet 
I  saw  painted  on  a  sign,  and  nailed  on  to  this  species  of 
city  property,  "  city  cart,"  "city  wagon."  Brass  letters  on 
the  blinders  showed  the  city's  claim  to  the  harness  by  the 
word  "city"  alone.  I  queried  over  this  state  of  things,  and 
came  to  the  conclusion  that  perhaps  it  was  the  painter's  doing, 
as  that  would  just  about  double  the  price  of  the  job ;  but  as 
that  did  not  seem  to  be  patriotic  on  the  part  of  the  painter,  I 
relapsed  into  the  uncertainty  surrounding  many  municipal 
arrangements.  All  I  have  to  say  is,  whoever  did  it,  in  relation 
to  the  •  intelligence  of  the  people  as  to  their  knowledge  of  the 


490  LIFE    OF 

machines,  should  not  laugh  at  our  Cranberry  Centre  painter  as 
to  the  sheep. 

My  reader  may  ask,  what  has  this  to  do  with  the  title  of 
this  chapter,  or  the  past  and  the  future  ?  Nothing ;  only 
it  was  an  omitted  incident  of  my  life,  which  should  have  been 
recorded  earlier  in  my  history,  and  illustrates  the  fact  of  my 
habit  of  superfluous  use  of  words. 

I  am  more  forcibly  struck  with  the  changes  in  the  fifty 
or  more  years  since  my  remembrance  of  matters  recorded  in 
the  earlier  chapters  of  my  life,  and  I  ask  myself  at  this 
moment  if  I  have  so  far  fulfilled  my  mission.  I  am  free  to 
say  I  do  not  think  I  have  injured  any  person  intentionally.  I 
do  not  believe  I  have  ever  spoken  ill  of  my  neighbor,  or 
cheated  him  in  any  way,  unless,  perhaps,  in  politics,  when  I  have 
allowed,  on.  some  occasions,  men  to  give  me  credit  for  knowl 
edge  I  did  not  possess.  I  think  Dr.  Slawter  did  not  flatter 
me  when  he  said  I  had  some  mother-wit  and  common-sense,  if 
it  was  cultivated ;  and  at  this  late  day,  from  what  I  know  of 
colleges,  where  there  are  teachers  and  professors  of  all  kinds 
of  sciences,  it  would  be  better  for  many  of  the  students  and 
pupils,  if,  in  addition  to  the  present  faculty,  there  should  be 
established  a  professorship  of  common  sense,  to  add  this  prac 
tical  quality  to  the  Latin  and  Greek  ;  and,  if  I  am  not  mis 
taken,  I  heard  a  professor  of  a  college  say  something  like  this 
himself,  which  is  an  evidence  of  progress  and  improvement 
that  learned  men,  in  my  youthful  days,  would  have  believed 
to  be  impossible;  and  scouted  the  idea. 

As  I  look  back  upon  my  speeches,  it  does  not  seem  possible 
that  I  should  have  seriously  thus  expressed  my  ideas ;  in  fact, 
they  were  not  my  ideas.  I  thought  making  speeches  was 
evidence  of  knowledge.  I  spoke  for  the  sake  of  speaking. 
I  hope  I  shall  not  be  accused  of  self-conceit,  if  I  state  I  think 
I  could  make  much  better  speeches  now  than  then.  I  have 
seen  my  name  in  newspapers  with  such  reference  to  one  and 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  491 

my  doings,  as  caused  me  to  query  to  myself  whether  the 
Batkins  of  then  is  the  Batkins  of  now. 

Though  out  of  politics,  I  have  not  been  unmindful  of  the 
events  of  the  times.  There  is  one  question,  woman's  rights, 
that  I  wish  had  been  as  far  advanced  in  my  day  as  now, 
although,  at  that  time  being  a  bachelor,  I  was  less  calculated 
than  now  to  expatiate  upon.  Woman  suffrage  has  been  in 
troduced  into  politics;  it  is  discussed  in  my  house  by 
both  sexes  in  a  friendly  way ;  my  opinion  has  been  asked 
in  a  speech,  and  I  will  give  it  out'  at  this  time  in  a 
characteristic  way.  I  hope  no  offence  will  be  taken  either  by 
the  ladies  or  their  friends,  because,  if  you  want  to  come  into 
politics,  you  understand,  ladies,  men  will  not  talk  so  much 
honey  to  you  as  now,  particularly  if  you  claim  the  privilege 
to  take  the  stump,  though,  when  election  is  over,  you  will  be 
only  women  again,  and  all  your  fine  arts  and  fascinations 
will  be  used  and  appreciated  as  before. 

In  the  first  place,  as  to  the  right  to  vote  as  citizens,  or  as 
inhabitants,  I  should  say,  logically  and  constitutionally,  as 
things  stand,  if  the  women  want  to  vote,  they  should  be  al 
lowed  to  do  so.  I  do  not  think  there  is  anything  to  say  in 
regard  of  some  of  the  flimsy  objections,  such  as  that  it  will 
"lower  the  women  in  the  social  scale,"  or  that  women  will 
"want  all  the  offices,"  and  in  legislation  would  talk  too 
much  :  or  that  if  they  demand  the  privileges  of  voting  citizens 
they  should  accept  the  cumbersome  duties  which  their  male 
fellow-inhabitants  are  compelled  to  perform.  An  opponent 
asks  if  they  would  do  militia  duty,  and  how,  when  on  many 
occasions  paramount  duties  would  render  training  under  arms 
incompatible  with  their  comfort  and  usefulness  in  a  maternal 
way.  Many  other  whimsical  objections  are  made.  I  dismiss 
them  without  noticing  them,  being  willing  to  leave  all  such 
matters  to  the  good  sense  of  female  citizen  majorities  when 
the  time  comes. 


492  LIFE    OF 

But  there  is  one  objection  prominent  in  my  mind :  if  the 
ladies  are  as  tenacious  as  they  are  said  to  be  in  retaining 
secret  one  important  fact  in  their  lives,  namely,  their  birth 
day,  that  is,  as  to  being  registered  to  vote  at  the  age  of 
twenty-one  years,  their  ages  will  thus  become  a  matter  of 
public  record,  and  curious  people  will  be  able  to  date  from 
that  time,  and  keep  the  run  of  years  ever  after.  However, 
this  is  a  question  for  the  women  to  decide,  and  perhaps,  if 
they  are  allowed  to  have  equal  rights  with  men,  their  ages  will 
be  considered  a  less  important  matter  hereafter,  and  they  will 
not  object  to  be  called  veterans  when  superior  wisdom  and 
knowledge  are  attached  to  the  rightful  use  of  this  term. 

Woman's  suffrage  is  no  subject  for  ridicule,  and  in  fact  has 
risen  above  it.  History  is  a  "  knocker  "  of  idols,  as  my  old 
young  friend  Joseph  of  the  State  House  had  it.  Women  have 
worn  crowns  as  queens  and  empresses,  and  do  wear  them, 
if  they  behave  themselves,  to  this  day.  One  notable  in 
stance  exists  at  this  time,  and  republican  dignitaries  have 
found  no  difficulty  in  bending  their  spinal  columns,  as  Dr. 
Slawter  calls  the  backbones,  and  crooking  their  knees,  when 
opportunity  occurs  to  pay  political  homage  to  a  female  "  sov 
ereign  queen."  This  being  so,  and  as  we  are  a  nation  of 
sovereigns,  I  do  not  see  any  impropriety  from  this  stand 
point,  of  giving  American  women  a  voice,  you  understand,  in 
making  laws,  and  female  officers  to  execute  them.  I  dare  say 
at  first  there  may  be  some  joking  and  fun-poking  about  petticoat 
government.  Well,  there  is  now ;  but  no  more,  perhaps,  than 
when  some  men  go  to  working  in  new  places,  as  in  my  own 
case  and  others  that  might  be  mentioned. 

I  have  in  advance  joked  Mrs.  Batkins  about  it,  and  referred 
her  to  my  speeches,  which  she  might  use,  if  she  should  be 
elected  member  from  Cranberry  Centre.  I  do  not  at  first  sup 
pose  the  ladies  would  consider  it  a  compliment  to  be  called 
"  old  war-horses,"  and  perhaps  my  wife  would  not  try  to  "  win 
spurs:  "  but  I  am  serious  when  I  declare  I  think  she  could 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  493 

make  the  "  eagle  scream  "  as  well  as  a  male  representative  ;  for 
I  have  heard  it  hinted  at,  in  pretty  positive  language,  that  in 
the  use  of  the  tongue  the  women  of  all  countries  excel  the 
men  in  an  eminent  degree.  I  observe  some  politicians  who 
have  opposed  this  step  of  progress,  or  been  a  little  shaky  on 
the  question,  now  come  out  easy  and  moderately  for  woman 
suffrage ;  it  is  a  change  either  from  conviction,  or  for  votes. 
Now  my  opinion  is  this,  that  it  would  not  be  fair  to  have  a  man 
and  his  wife  on  opposition  tickets,  nor  have  two  of  the  same 
family  represent  a  district,  rural  or  otherwise.  I  think,  how 
ever,  these  objections  had  better  be  left  for  time  to  settle,  in 
presence  of  the  actual  facts.  If, —  and  I  am  not  making  a  bid 
at  my  age  for  votes, —  if,  I  say,  I  was  to  represent  Cranberry 
Centre  in  the  next  Legislature,  and  it  was  proposed  to  alter 
the  constitution  in  favor  of  woman's  suffrage,  if  it  appeared  to 
me  that  the  time  had  come,  —  for  I  favor  it  at  some  time  or 
another.  —  I  think  I  should  be  inclined  to  give  the  matter  a 
favorable,  impartial  consideration,  and  vote  in  accordance  with 
the  dictates  of  my  conscience,  which  is  usually  of  flexible 
character  and  of  elastic  tendency,  for  the  public  good. 

I  think  I  have  fully  expressed  myself  on  the  marriage  ques 
tion  ;  my  views  are  unaltered  and  undisguised. 

The  changes  of  half  a  century  throughout  the  globe,  as  well 
as  at  Cranberry  Centre,  are  many ;  notwithstanding  the  num 
ber  of  revolutions  made  by  our  planet,  the  earth,  our  abiding- 
place,  around  the  sun,  with  all  the  obstacles  of  resistance  in  its 
path,  whether  of  storrn  or  pestilent  atmospheres,  but  few  of 
those  persons  with  whom  my  narrative  commenced  have 
been  shaken  from  its  surface.  My  father,  a  venerable  man, 
survives  to  prove  cider-drinking  in  his  case  is  no  bar  to  lon 
gevity  ;  Aunt  Dolly,  not  yet  in  dotage,  to  prove  that  marriage 
in  wTornen  is  not  necessary  to  long  life.  Seth  Spring  walks 
erect ;  law  and  politics  have  sent  him  to  no  early  grave. 

I  do  not  believe,  from  a  retrospective  glance,  that  I  have 


494  LIFE    OF 

given  to  Dr.  Slawter  sufficient  acknowledgment  for  the  in 
sight  he  gave  me  into  natural  philosophy,  and  enlarging  its 
domain  so  as  to  be  perceptible  to  the  eyes  of  common  sense. 
I  did  not  always  quite  comprehend  his  applications,  and 
sometimes,  in  a  sort  of  oblique  rhetoric,  he  beat  the 
school-master,  also  one  of  my  great  props.  The  idea 
I  caught,  however,  from  the  doctor's  language  as  to  the  preser 
vation  of  life  is  about  like  this  :  "  To  be  cheerful  and  con 
tented,  to  waste  no  energy  in  struggles  for  wealth,  fame,  or 
station,  is  to  ensure  longevity  to  the  human  organization,  prop 
erly  constructed,  according  to  original  design.  'The  human 
passions  are  great  destroyers.  Of  these  mysterious  yet  tyran 
nical  powers,  Joy  should  be  king;  Mirth,  his  prime  minis 
ter  ;  Laughter,  his  prophylactic  —  a  hard  word,  but  I  put  it 
in  —  agent.  Apart  from  State  affairs,  let  this  monarch  rule  over 
the  kingdoms,  empires,  and  republics  of  the  earth,  and  war 
would  be  heard  no  more,  diseases  decrease,  disorders  be,  with 
less  difficulty,  removed,  and  physicians  and  undertakers  — 
useful  and  necessary  evils,  if  you  please  —  would  be  less  busy 
in  their  day  and  generation,  and  their  services  be  only  required 
to  take  charge  of  worn-out  machines,  instead  of  filling  the 
soil  with  the  abortions  and  imperfections  of  a  noble  race." 

The  doctor  still  lives,  retired  from  the  practice  of  his  art. 
after  counting  more  than  fourscore  years. 

My  respected  father-in-law,  at  an  advanced  age,  —  over  three 
score  and  ten,  —  is  an  example  that  dealing  in  leather  does  not 
necessarily  shorten  man's  life. 

Mr.  Dovedrake,  the  youngest  of  all  my  early  acquaint 
ances  referred  to  as  living  at  this  day,  exists  in  feeble  health. 
As  his  daughter  is  the  wife  of  Mr.  Horace  Faathergilt,  —  a 
man  in  his  youngest  prime,  —  the  prospect  is  that  he 
may  endure.  By  comparison,  however,  it  would  appear  that 
divinity  is  not  so  conducive  to  health  and  long  life  as 
the  other  professions  called  liberal,  or  the  farmer's 


JEFFERSON  S.    B ATKINS.  495 

calling,  the  most  ancient  of  all,  the  first,  from  Adam  down. 
Many  others,  of  different  ages,  are  living  still.  Bean,  my 
mentor  in  trade,  in  politics,  is  dead;  he  died  as  he  lived,  a 
lunatic.  My  customer  of  the  nankin  suit,  the  sea-captain's 
wife,  survives,  and  is  in  the  hands  of  the  doctors,  lawyers, 
and  disputants  of  the  madman's  will.  I  wish  her  no  harm, 
as,  after  all,  she  did  me  none ;  I  hope  she  will  settle  that  old 
account,  now  outlawed  for  many  years. 

Seth  Spring  insists  that  Bean's  will  will  stand.  The  clause 
with  reference  to  the  ocean  bridge  is  no  proof  that  he  was  in 
sane.  The  cable  laid  upon  the  Atlantic  bed  makes  a  commu 
nication  from  continent  to  continent,  as  he  stated  could  be 
done  with  money  and  brains;  the  word  "otherwise"  in  rela 
tion  to  the  communication  covers  the  ground.  When  the  tele 
graph  line  was  proposed,  those  who  believed  in  its  practica 
bility  were  not  considered,  by  many,  sound  of  mind.  My  son 
is  mentioned  in  Bean's  will ;  when  the  case  is  settled,  if  it  be 
so  in  his  lifetime,  and,  if  he  follows  my  example  in  the  autobi 
ographic  line,  I  leave  to  him  to  make  the  communication  to 
the  public  in  that  or  any  other  form  it  may  suit  him  best. 

Mr.  Birch  is  still  alive.  Myself  or  my  son  will  record  his  de 
mise  if  we  survive  the  sturdy  old  school-master,  who  has  done  so 
much  for  me.  My  written  life  to  this  date  is  about  to  close. 
I  may  write  more,  to  be  called  my  last  days,  and  the  record  may 
perhaps  be  finished  by  my  son.  Among  my  State  House  friends 
who  still  exist  are  Mr.  Boutwell,  Mr.  Banks,  Mr.  Wilson, 
and  Joseph,  the  page.  Col.  Silk,  with  my  sixty  dollars,  went 
to  the  war,  not  to  fight,  but,  like  some  other  political  generals 
and  colonels,  to  prove  that  they  knew  more  of  appropriations 
than  field  duties  and  dangers.  Silk  was  not  killed,  and  as  for 
the  rest  I  have  nothing  evil  to  say  of  the  dead. 

Of  Mrs.  Swamscott  I  can  say  nothing  but  that  she  married  a 
German  prince,  and  disappeared  from  her  native  soil.  My 
wife  corresponded  with  her  for  a  time.  She  may  be  alive,  to 
yet  read  this  unfinished  account  of  her  fate. 


496  LIFE    OF  JEFFERSON  S.    B  ATKINS. 

I  perhaps  need  not  add  that  my  friend,  and,  as  Mr.  Birch 
called  him  in  the  Latin  tongue,  my  "alter  ego,"  Mr.  Warren, 
is  still  a  living  proof  that  play-acting  is  not  an  "idle  trade," 
nor  injurious  to  morals,  health,  or  life.  I  have  not  forgotten 
his  parting  words  after  our  first  interview,  nearly  a  score  of 
years  gone  by ;  I  shall  use  them  at  a  proper  time. 

To  my  enemies,  if  I  have  any,  I  apologize  for  my  short 
comings,  and  with  due  respect  to  my  family  and  relatives 
would  say,  if  I  have  acted  perhaps  not  wisely,  yet  too  well  for 
everybody's  good,  let  them  remember  that 

"  Men  are  such  stuff 

As  dreams  are  made  of,  and  our  little  life 
Is  rounded  with  a  sleep," 

and  so  forget  and  forgive. 

To  my  friends,  who  may  have  said  that  the  torch  of  my 
genius,  to  use  a  common  phrase,  would  "  never  set  the  river  on 
fire,"  I  may  admit  that  I  have  not 

"  Bodimined 

The  noontide  sun,  called  forth  the  mutinous  winds, 
And,  'twixt  the  green  sea  and  tho  liquid  vault 
Set  roaring  war,"  — 

which  I  suppose  means  about  the  same  thing  in  better  words. 

If  my  speeches,  my  opinions,  or  aught  else  that  is  written 
here  with  no  bad  intent,  should  give  offence,  I  will  write  no 
more.,  and  as  to  my  pen,  I  will 

"  Bury  it  certain  fathoms  in  tho  earth, 
And,  deeper  than  did  ever  plummet  sound, 
I'll  drown  my  book." 

"  Au  revoir,"  my  friends. 

JEFFERSON  S.  BATKINS. 

Cranberry  Centre,  June,  1871. 


Two  COLLEGE  FRIENDS. 

By    FRED     W.    LORING, 

h-or    of*  "The    Boston.    Dip,"    and.    otlier    verses. 

Handsome  Cloth.    Price,  $1. 

"  Two  College  Friends,"  is  a  truly  exquisite  story,  from  the 
pen  of  an  author  who,  it  is  evident,  understands  all  the  beauty 
and  pathos  of  true  friendship,  and  is  not  afraid  to  confess  that 
he  understands  it.  In  these  times  of  cynicism  and  doubt,  it  is 
refreshing  to  read  a  story  which  so  glows  with  all  the  enthusiasm, 
faith,  and  affection,  which  makes  youth  so  beautiful. 

It  appeals  to  the  best  part  of  human  nature,  and  stony 
hearted  must  the  being  be  who  can  read  it  without  emotion.  It 
will  harmonize  with  the  feelings  of  the  young,  and  make  the  old 
sigh  over  their  lost  illusions.  The  heroes  are  of  the  ideal  Ameri 
can  type,  to  which  we  devoutly  wish  more  could  be  found  to 
correspond.  They  are  two  jolly,  true-hearted  college  boys,  who, 
through  the  influences  of  the  war,  are  developed  into  a  noble, 
earnest  manhood.  They  are  vividly  drawn  and  well  sustained. 

The  mere  machinery  of  the  story  is  also  capitally  done.  Its 
whole  progress  is  easy  and  natural ;  its  spirit  pure  and  noble. 
We  know  of  no  book  which  furnishes  better  reading,  or  exerts 
a  higher  or  more  refining  influence.  E.  M. 


MARION   B  ERKLEY. 

By  LAURA    CAXTON.         With  Six  Illustrations  by  the  Author. 

Handsome  Cloth.    Price,  $1.50. 

MARION  BERKLEY,  an  only  daughter,  tenderly  brought  up 
under  the  loving  influences  of  a  happy  and  luxurious  Boston 
home,  is  returning  after  the  summer  vacation,  to  a  boarding- 
school  where  she  has  already  been  a  pupil  for  three  years. 
Her  life-long  friend,  Florence,  is  her  companion  and  fellow-pupil. 
The  book  is  principally  devoted  to  a  history  of  her  boarding- 
school  life,  anc\  abounds  in  stirring  and  comic  incidents. 

Marion  is  the  central  figure  of  the  group  of  thirty  scholars, 
who  form  the  little  community.  A  chaining  heroine  she  makes 
with  her  lovely  dark  eyes,  wavy  and  abundant  blonde  tresses, 
and  the  air  of  regal  dignity  she  knows  so  well  how  to  assume. 
The  action  of  the  book  hinges  on  the  arrival  of  a  new  scholar, 
and  Marion's  unworthy  jealousy  of  the  love  of  Florence  for  its  new 
comer.  Some  of  the  scenes  are  brimful  of  fun,  abounding  in  a 
true  perception  of  the  comic,  and  excellently  well  drawn.  Such 
is  the  one  portraying  the  advent  of  the  French  teacher,  and  the 
quick-witted  and  disrespectful  answer  which  Marion  makes  to 
the  stern  and  uncompromising  principal  of  the  school.  Her 
apology,  before  the  assembled  school,  challenges  our  admiration 
for  its  ability,  even  while  it  merits  our  disapproval  for  its  boldness. 
"  The  Thanksgiving  Supper  "  is  an  admirable  pen-picture.  We 
think  all  readers  will  heartily  join  in  drinking  a  foaming  glass -of 
the  contraband  champagne  to  the  health  of  the  generous  giver 
and  getter  up  of  the  feast. 

Neither  is  the  book  all  fun.  Its  charm  is  in  the  healthful 
spirit  it  displays.  There  is  manifest  spiritual  growth  among 
the  little  flock.  Miss  Christine's  gentle  influence  develops  the 
moral  nature  of  her  pupils  in  the  right  way.  Marion's  struggles 
with  the  pride,  jealousy,  and  waywardness  of  her  impulsive 
nature,  result  in  slow  victory,  and  reveal  the  real  integrity  and 
high  principle  of  her  character.  The  picture  of  the  girls  eman 
cipated  from  school  restraints,  and  undergoing  the  ordeal  of 
fashionable  life  in  Boston,  is  also  an  interesting  one. 

We  like  the  book.  It  is  a  good  one  to  put  into  the  hands  of 
young  persons,  for  its  characters  are  human,  and  erring  like 
those  we  meet  in  e very-day  life.  But  the  author  knows  how  to 
weave  her  materials  into  scenes  full  of  comic  incident,  earnest 
experience,  with  right-doing,  and  wrong-interspersed  in  the  right 
proportions.  We  shall  not  spoil  the  story  by  telling  any  more 
of  it,  but  recommend  the  book  as  just  the  one  for  pleasant 
summer  reading,  fresh  and  sparkling  as  the  green  fields  and 
gurgling  brooks  of  country  homes.  K.  M.  c. 


DAISY  WARD'S  WORK, 

By  MARY  W.  McLAIN, 

Handsome  Cloth  T-  Illustrated— Price,  $1.25, 

Is  the  title  of  a  fresh,  pure  story,  interesting  to  all  who  possess 
a  love  for  the  ideal  and  its  embodiment  in  Art.  It  gives  many 
good  hints  on  the  subject  of  moulding  in  clay  and  casting,  and 
awakens  a  lively  sympathy  with  the  heroine's  enthusiasm  for  her 
life-work.  It  calls  out  the  quality  of  disinterestedness,  and 
incites  to  work,  for  its  own  sake  j  it  teaches  us  that  results  are 
to  be  left  with  destiny,  while  it  only  lies  with  us  to  work, — 
to  work  steadily  in  the  direction  which  life  or  genius  points  out. 

The  author  has  entered  upon  the  field  with  flying  colors ; 
and,  while  making  a  welcome  addition  to  literature,  has  enhanced 
the  glory  of  the  fine  arts,  by  her  discriminating  analysis  of  their 
intimate  connection  with  each  other,  and  by  her  characteriza 
tion  of  Art's  devotees,  with  their  enthusiasms,  their  hopes,  and 
their  grand  despairs. 

Her  diction  is  easy,  her  style  graceful,  her  purpose  whole. 
She  has  given  us,  in  "DAISY  WARD'S  WORK,"  not  only  a  few 
hours'  pleasant  reading,  but  many  earnest  thoughts  and  en 
couragement  to  work  in  the  future,  for  the  sake  of  the  Ideal 
within  us. 

In  saying  this,  we  feel  that  we  award  the  praise  most 
pleasing  to  her,  as  proof  that  she  has  accomplished  her  purpose 
in  writing,  which  was  evidently  to  inspire  others  with  an  earnest 
and  disinterested  effort  to  realize  the  Ideal,  in  whatever  direction 
their  speciality  may  lead  them.  E.  M. 


T 


HE     MILLS   OF    TUXBURY, 


BY  VIRGINIA  F.  TOWNSEND. 

Four  Elegant  Illustrations.'by  Merrill.    Handsome  Cloth.    Price  $1.25. 

It  is  a  book  of  great  power  and  pathos,  and  one  which  if  you  begin  to 
read  at  nightfall  will  be  likely  to  make  you  very  late  to  bed,  as  you  cannot 
possibly  lay  it  down  till  it  is  finished.     Bead  the  book  by  all  means.  — 
Western  Rural. 

Miss  Townsend  has  created  precedents  for  herself  which  will  make  the  pub 
lic  exacting  toward  her.  But  evem  measuring  this  book  by  the  standard  of 
her  best  previous  efforts,  it  seems  excellent.  We  abstain  on  principle  from 
telling  the  story  of  a  novel,  for  it  seems  to  us  very  like  "  stealing  geraniums 
from  your  friend's  flower-pot  to  put  in  your  own  button-hole."  But  we  can 
assure  novel-readers  that  they  may  buy  this  one  without  fear  of  disappoint 
ment.  —  Henry  Ward  Beeclier's  Christian  Union. 

We  have  seldom  seen  a  pleasanter  combination  of  the  lights  and  shades 
• 
of  life  in  a  New  England  factory  village  than  Miss  Townsend  places  before 

us  in  "  THE  MILLS  OP  TUXBURY."  The  higher  and  lower  impulses  of  hu 
manity  are  interwoven  by  a  hand  evidently  familiar  with  the  secret  springs 
of  human  action,  and  skilfully  it  touches  a  responsive  chord,  making  us, 
under  the  influence  of  the  author's  fancy,  and  under  the  power  of  her  will, 
now  pay  our  tribute  to  the  noble  strength  and  resolution  of  Marjorie,  now 
to  the  rustic  grace  of  Berry,  now  to  the  manly  love  of  Whitmarsh,  and 
now  with  throbbing  hearts  and  streaming  eyes  stand  around  the  death-bed 
of  Handy,  listen  to  his  confession,  and  accord  to  him  the  pardon  which  his 
true  repentance  deserved.  —  Boston  Transcript. 

The  book  is  not  as  painful,  neither  does  it  go  so  deeply  into  the  sub 
ject,  as  Miss  Phelps'  "  SILENT  PARTNER,"  but  it  touches  on  the  dark  side  of 
factory  life,  and  shows  how  dreadful  evils  may  dosely  follow  on  the  short 

pay  and  sudden  dismissal  of  the  hands. 

19 


nHE    HOLLANDS, 


j 


/ 

Br  VIRGINIA  F.  TOWNSEND. 

Four  Spirited  Illustrations  by  Merrill.-  Handsome  Cloth.    Price  $1.25. 

Miss  Townsend  certainly  writes  better  than  many  women  who  have 
much  more  reputation  than  she ;  the  atmosphere  of  her  stories  is  simple 
and  wholesome,  and  that  is,  in  these  days,  cause  of  gratitude.  —  Scribncr's 
Monthly. 

Miss  Townsend's  Hollands  is  a  charmingly  natural  story.  The  brother 
and  sister,  who  were  all  the  world  to  each  other,  fought  manfully  with  their 
hard  fate,  though  friendless,  poor,  and  proud ;  and  at  last,  by  patient  en 
durance  through  manifold  struggles,  won  appreciation  and  love  with  hap 
piness.  The  story  is  pleasantly  told,  the  characters  graphically  sketched, 
and  we  are  in  love  ourselves  with  the  true  woman's  heart  and  bewitching 
grace  of  Jessamine,  and  the  manly,  heroic  spirit  of  Ross.  The  subordinate 
characters  cluster  around  the  principal  one  like  shining  stars  of  lesser  mag 
nitude. —  Boston  Transcript. 

A  very  pure,  sweet  book,  —  a  violet  among  the  passion-flowers  of  mod 
ern  romance.  It  cannot  fail  to  have  a  healthful,  bracing  effect  in  every 
household  where  it  should  enter. 

We  are  glad  to  be  able  to  say  that  an  American  Woman  has  produced 
a  novel  so  strictly  local  in  color,  and  quite  equalling  the  best  productions 
of  modern  English  lady-writers. —  JY".  Y.  Journal  of  Commerce. 

Jessamine  and  Ross  Holland,  the  two  central  figures  of  this  charming 
novel,  are  characters  that  will  win  the  admiration  of  every  reader.  — 
Tribune. 

A  book  for  girls,  worthy  to  stand  next  to  "Faith  Gartney's  Girlhood" 
—  on  the  book-shelf,  and  in  their  thoughts.  It  is  for  them  a  safeguard 
against  worldly  and  frivolous  influences.  This  simple,  pure  story  holds  up 
to  criticism  and  contempt  that  slipshod,  passive  virtue  which  is  the  result 
of  habit  only,  and  falls  before  the  power  of  a  great  temptation.  Young  and 
old  will  read  "The  Hollands  "  with  lively  sympathy,  and  ponder  its  truths 
with  earnest  thought.— E.  M.  . 

18 


ZERUB  THROOP'S   EXPERIMENT, 

By    MRS.    A.   D.  T.    WHITNEY. 

Handsome  Cloth.    Price,  $1. 

This  story  is  written  in  the  author's  quaintest  vein,  and  pictures 
New  England  life  with  her  usual  felicity.  It  abounds  with  her 
unique  and  delightful  ideas,  one  of  which, — Caroline's  way  of 
teaching  Astronomy, — is  at  once  tersely  and  charmingly  set  forth. 
It  is  more  than  graceful,  it  is  pathetic.  Also,  the  scene  between 
Dimmy  and  the  Doctor,  is  inimitable.  Nothing  could  be  more 

• 

graphically  drawn,  and  the  Doctor's  mode  of  treatment  at  least 
affords  food  for  thought.  New  England  gossip  is  also  hit  off 
with  racy  strokes.  The  ghostly  way  in  which  the  story  turns, 
is  capital  both  in  conception  and  writing,  and  is  particularly 
'  suggestive  to  those  disposed  to  discuss  special  Providences. 

The  "Experiment"  seems  to  have  been  eminently  successful. 
The  only  fault  we  can  find  with  it  is,  that  it  is  too  short,  and 
just  tantalizes  us  with  a  taste  of  "  richness."  However,  it  makes 
up  by  being  spicy,  and  its  pungency  will  leave  a  lasting  impres 
sion  on  its  readers. 

Mrs.  Whitney  has  counted  on  an  amount  of  the  organ  of 
marvellousness  in  the  American  mind,  which  we  feel  sure  will 
not  fail  her,  as  we  read  with  gusto  all  the  doings  of  the  black 
cat,  who  is  perhaps  as  prominent  as  any  of  the  characters,  and 
we  find  ourselves  so  far  carried  away  as  to  study  profoundly  the 
question  as  to  whether  or  no  she  was  "  possessed "  or  "  influ 
enced  " !  At  any  rate,  Mrs.  Whitney  has  at  least  dreamed,  in 
her  philosophy,  of  some  of  the  strange  things  in  heaven  and 
earth. — E.  M. 


The  Portent. 

A  story  of  the  Inner  Vision  of  the  Highlanders,  commonly  called 
the  Second  Sight. 


ZDOIET.A.IIIID- 
Handsome  Cloth.    Price,  $1.75. 


MAC  DONALD  is  always  good,  and  always  great  with  a  greatness  of  hia 
own,  but  in  "  The  Portent"  there  is  a  quaint  charm  that  has  touched  us 
more  nearly  than  anything  else  he  has  written.  There  is  an  intensity,  a 
rapid  plunging  into  mysterious  situations,  a  vivid  portraiture  of  scenes 
and  persons,  that  entrances  the  attention  and  charms  the  fancy.  The 
dedication  itself  deserves  praise  as  a  specimen  of  most  delicate  and  grace 
ful  writing.  The  opening  chapters  form  a  model  of  the  descriptive  style, 
photographing  on  the  mind  the  picture  of  the  craggy  mountains  upon 
which  the  boy  looked  forth  from  his  hill-side  retreat.  Weird,  romantic, 
and  vividly  imaginative,  we  see  in  this  story  the  germs  which  in  the  fer 
tile  soil  of  his  rare  and  peculiar  mind  grew  and  developed  into  the  rich 
fancies  and  quaint  conceits  of  "  Phantastes,"  and  the  profound  meta 
physics  which  form  the  basis  of  his  other  works.  In  all,  he  impresses 
the  reader  as  a  singularly  broad  mind,  and  as  possessing  a  poet's  soul. 
At  one  time  you  feel  that  it  is  George  Herbert  writing  prose,  again  it  is 
Spencer,  and  again  it  is  a  writer  of  the  day,  imbued  with  all  the  spec 
ulative  thought  of  our  time.  His  style  is  pure  and  elevated,  and  the 
occasional  breaking  out  into  the  rude,  forcible  speech  of  the  Scotch, 
affords*  a  delightful  variety. 

The  character  which  gives  "The  Portent"  its  title  is  old  Margaret,  a 
clairvoyant;  but  she  is  not  so  profound  a  study  as  Lady  Alice.  That  a 
mind  could  become  so  subjected  to  almost  idiocy  by  a  merely  uncon 
genial,  social  atmosphere  seems  almost  impossible,  but  Mac  Donald  is  too 
deep  a  student  for  us  to  dispute  his  data,  and  lias  doubtless  found  facts  in 
his  researches  stranger  than  the  fictions  he  builds  upon  them.  Mac  Don 
ald  never  crowds  his  narratives  with  multiplicity  of  character  or  incident. 
Every  situation  tells,  and  every  character  illustrates  something  in  the  aim 
of  the  whole  story.  Few  writers  preserve  so  well  the  unity  of  their 
works,  and  are  betrayed  into  so  few  by-paths,  from  the  main  course  of 
their  story.  He  stands  at  the  head  of  the  school  of  literature  he  con 
tributes  to,  and  indeed  has  no  competitors.  E.  M. 


Adela  Catheart. 


GKEOIRGKE    IMI-A.a 

Handsome  Cloth.       Price,  $1.75. 

After  the  transcendentalism  of  "  David  Elginbrod  "  and  the  earnest 
questionings  which  are  stirred  in  the  soul  by  reading  "  Bobcrt  Falconer," 
and  the  strange  dance  through  Fairyland  which  "Phantasies"  led  us, 
encompassed  by  all  its  weird  scenery  and  subtle  meanings,  the  mind  set 
tles  down  to  a  more  tranquil  enjoyment  in  the  perusal  of  "  Adela  Cath 
eart/'  Thoroughly  ^English  in  tone  and  deeply  religious,  it  is  varied  by  a 
genial  humor,  and  is  not  without  a  vein  of  sarcasm  at  the  expense  of 
the  commonplace,  as  typified  in  Mrs.  Cathcart. 

Each  successive  publication  of  Mac  Donald's  reveals  some  new  side  of 
a  mind  which  is  possessed  of  a  wonderful  breadth  and  varied  imagination. 
In  the  midst  of  rare  social  qualities  he  preserves  his  consciousness  of  the 
earnestness  of  life.  Gay,  appreciative  of  fun,  there  is  still  always  a  grave 
undercurrent  which  is  in  sympathy  with  the  spiritual  clement  in  all  things, 
and  recognizes  the  struggles  and  tears,  the  perplexities  and  heart-aches 
which  are  everywhere  agitating  the  inner  life  of  humanity. 

The  tales  which  compose  the  greater  part  of  "  Adela  Cathcart"  cover 
a  wide  ground  of  moral  teaching  and  metaphysical  knowledge.  He  has 
not  repeated  himself,  though  he  loves  best  to  speak  of  lives  purified  by 
disappointment,  of  souls  made  rich  and  strong  by  perpetual  high  endeavor. 
It  seems  to  us  he  has  reached  very  far  down  into  the  true  value  of  things 
when  he  says,  "Perhaps  the  highest  moral  height  which  a  man  can  reach, 
and  at  the  same  time  the  most  difficult  of  attainment,  is  the  willingness 
to  be  nothing  relatively,  so  that  he  attain  that  positive  excellence  which 
the  original  conditions  of  his  being  render  not  merely  possible,  but  imper 
ative.  It  is  nothing  to  a  man  to  be  greater  or  less  than  another  ;  to  be 
esteemed  or  otherwise  by  the  public  or  private  world  in  which  he  moves. 
Does  he,  or  does  he  not,  behold,  and  love,  and  live,  the  unchangeable,  the 
essential,  the  Divine?"  What  a  blow  to  false  ambition,  and  to  all  envy 
and  strife,  and  uncharitableness  !  How  it  strikes  away  supcrficials,  and 
sets  up  a  standard  of  true  greatness  !  Mac  Donald's  nature  is  positive, 
vital,  life-giving,  like  his  conception  of  the  Armstrong  brothers  in  the 
book  before  us.  There  is  in  "  Adela  Cathcart,"  as  in  his  other  stories, 
a  painstaking  spirit,  an  endeavor  to  utter  such  truths  as  will  help  others. 
to  realize  their  best  aspirations.  His  stories  recommend  themselves  to 
all  lovers  of  a  pure  style  of  literature,  to  all  those  of  cultivated  mind  and 
taste,  and  are  deeply  suggestive  to  those  fond  of  discussing  abstract 
truths.  "  Adela  Carthcart"  is  not  so  great  a  book  in  scope  as  "  Phan- 
tastes,"  but  for  this  very  reason  will  be  more  widely  read,  and  will  possess 
a  great  power.  Both  have  come  at  a  good  time  for  our  summer  reading, 
for  which  they  are  peculiarly  adapted.  E.  M. 


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